#they just ummmmmm fluctuate

[charmingpplincardigans]

IT IS TIME...to make an old-fashioned embarrassing text post like those days of yore before my old therapist started doing CBT.

So, I started an OK Cupid account. It’s kind of a big step, and also something I’ve been joking about for more than a year. Just any time something funny or self-deprecating (or vaguely dirty) came up I’d be like ‘putting that on the OKC profile!’ In the end my OKC profile is pretty tame. Maybe too tame really. I should probably rewrite my bio so I sound nerdier and more romantic or something.

ANYWAY. The point is, it’s scary, knowing that in order to be loved you must submit to the ordeal of being known or whatever, but I took a tiny step which feels like a huge step after ten eleven years of singlehood and touch starvedness. Now I just need someone to message me so I can take another small terrifying step and meet them. And so on and so on. It’s just fear all the way down with me when it comes to intimacy. IT’S FINE. I EMAILED A POSSIBLE THERAPIST THIS EVENING.

Last weekend I met with a friend who just graduated library school and talked to her about how to find a job and such. It was cathartic, and also heartening. I really do have a lot of practical skills from the work I’ve been doing for fifteen years now. She said I have experience with things they didn’t even really learn in grad school, that she’s had to learn on the job. That makes me feel a little better. I still worry about how glutted the librarian market is up here, but there really are a ton of library jobs to apply for in all different industries, so I’ll probably find something that will pay me enough and not murder me eventually.

(My Indeed email today had a listing for a Digital Archivist for the MFA but the pay only went up to $49K??? THAT’S LESS THAN THE TOO LITTLE I’M MAKING NOW. God I’d love to work at the MFA though. CAN YOU IMAGINE? Do I just apply anyway and then be like, just kidding, I want $70K, thanks.)

I’ve also been using they/them pronouns at work with select people. Mostly with my boss and within the Queer ERG channels. And I guess with my grand boss, who guessed it all on her own through a series of slightly hilarious events. I’m not demanding anything, and I still have they/she in my signature because I hate rocking boats and know that I’m femme a lot of the time so I know how people will see me and I don’t want to fight with everyone ever about it and yada yada. Maeve says that’s stupid. She’s probably right, but like. Maybe if I find a new therapist they can help me work through that. I’ve been taking up more space lately, but still not as much as a person probably should.

Like I said, baby steps.

Anyway, my boss saw me list myself as they/them in an ERG meeting this morning and during our one-on-one later she said she was proud of me for all of the hard, scary stuff I’ve been doing lately. (Which she knows about because we talk about work approximately half the time when we talk.) It feels silly to be proud of it all, because most people do this at like, 20, right? All of it. Being able to date, knowing who you are, knowing what kind of job you want. But because she’s a good person she reminded me that when I was 15 and 20 I wasn’t in places where it was safe to make some of these decisions, or even if it was, I didn’t have the support for them. So yeah, I’m proud of it all.

In the last twenty-five years I’ve gone from suicidal to ambivalent to apathetic to super depressed to figuring it out to figuring it out to figuring it out. I’m still figuring it out. But I have an excellent support system. I have people who love me and want to know the whole me. Want me to know the whole me. I have tools to help myself emotionally. I have hope.

I can lament over the lost time, or I can look ahead with a mind to make use of all the time I have left. I maybe got here a little bit after everyone else. I may still be working toward it, but I’m here and I’m working. I’m doing hard, scary things, and that’s what being alive is all about, right?

[wizisbored]

Ummmmmm so I’m sorry if this is annoying, but hi, my name is beth and I was wondering do you have any more Tiny Zazzalil headcannons or ideas or stuff in general :]

nice to meet you :)

theres a few, yeah. i plan on writing a few oneshots and putting them in a series on ao3, im going to call it the dawn of our time, i just havent gotten around to starting it yet

general headcannons about kid zaz:

- her self-image fluctuates with her growth spurts - she gains a couple centimetres and suddenly thinks shes invincible, then slowly calms down before she has another growth spurt and the cycle repeats

- despite being the smallest shes not the youngest. that’s keeri, who is about 3 months younger than zaz. shes always quick to correct people when they call her the youngest

- all of the adults and a few of the oldest kids can easily pick her up, and when she gets to be too much to handle most adults’ default respone is to just pick her up and carry her around for a bit. she looses floor priviliges.

- she had quite short hair when she was little, her dad trimmed it by snapping it with his hands or using his teeth or something

- shes sent to the tops of fruit trees since shes the lightest and can climb using the thiner branches

- the reason the kids dont really care about zaz being a runt most of the time is that her personality + general chaotic energy is much bigger than you would expect for such a small kid and compressing all that into her tiny body makes her seem almost bigger than she is. most of the adults dont really see that and continue to be baffled at the bigger kids play-wrestling with her like they would any other kid.

- smelly and zaz’s clothing is practically identical, but with the size difference between them smelly can wear his as a skirt while its big enough to be a dress for zaz

- zaz’s necklace is make up of small bone fragments and teeth that her dad brings back for her when he has to leave the tribe

[asmodeus-goodwrath]

This is my rp blog now.

My main is @just-kinda-angry

If it's cool, I'll be trying to do RPs with @not-my-brain, @matt-and-exeitor, and @gateguardianuriel. Maybe others if you want. But yeah. This is Asmodeus........ Or me.

I fluctuate between 2 forms. The others are ugly and I don't like them. Ummmmmm. That's it.

[briteboy]

answering the rest of these under the cut just because i got a lot and i do want to answer them all without spamming so heeeere we go!

to fiona!!! if you ever met a genie, what would be you three wishes?????

“ummmmmm...1.) a PUPPY!!!!, 2.) all the froot loops in the world, and 3.) for my mom to be happy.”

Hey Lou, if you were stranded on an island, what two items would you bring w you and why?

“Well, I’m a practical heart, so...a knife, definitely. Can’t go wrong. I’d say some type of device that plays music, but y’know it’ll run out of battery eventually and the day that happens, I’d go crazy. So maybe we’ll go down the practical route again and I’ll say a lighter or a box of matches. Boring, I know. But I’m intent on surviving.”

FIONA you wonderful bean! What's your favorite school subject, hon?

“does gym count?? i like to run and jump rope. umm if not i’ll say music. i’m not very good at music but it’s fun. we sang a song by these guys called the beetles in music class the other day.”

Rooney! Whats the most difficult thing and the most wonderful thing about being a mother so far?

“Hmm, well no one told me my moods would be fluctuating even more than they were while I was pregnant. I think I can owe that to the devil that is postpartum depression. I get overwhelmed very easily and it seems hopeless, but then I feel so silly when I look at Ramona and realize how innocent she is and how many people are around me to help. I’m so, so lucky. Having my responsibilities increase tenfold is hard enough, but to have my emotions unload all this ugly baggage at the worst possible time makes it infinitely harder. I know it’ll pass, and I’m trying to soak up the calm moments my brain blesses me with, basking in the pure joy that is new human life. Teaching her all these new things feels like relearning it all over again, and it’s wondrous.”

what do you usually have for breakfast fiona?

“FROOT LOOPS!!!!!! and sometimes eggo waffles.”

(For Lou and Santi) What harry potter house would you fall under?

(wow...sidenote...this pic is evil)

santi: “gryffindor. definitely gryffindor. foolhardy and stupidly rash in an excuse of being brave...das me.” lou: “I thought I’d be Ravenclaw but every test I’ve taken says I’m a Gryffindor. Heart of gold and all that. I’m starting to see it.”

hey molly ily

“Someone loves me down there? Now there’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I think I love you too.”

Hey fiona, do you believe in love?

“yeah i think so? why wouldn’t i?? love is real right? that’s always what i’ve heard. why wouldn’t it be?? i love my mom and my nan and joycie so i think it’s real. this isn’t gonna be like how santa turned out not to be real, right???”

Ro and gi, whats the cutest thing ramona has done so far?

Gianni: “Any time she smiles or lets out a laugh. It’s amazing to see how those two things are just instinctive reactions based on the influence of the people around her. There’s nothing more pure than that.” Rooney: “That, and she’s learning to communicate without words. Whenever she wants something, you’ll know because she’s started to reach out her arm and make grabby hands at whatever it is. It’s hilarious and adorable, but has the potential to become very dangerous when the thing she’s making grabby hands at is the knife I’m using to cut up watermelon.”

@ santi are u related to dave navarro

“nah im cooler than that dude. at least he can actually grow a beard tho. speaking of daves, people have told me i sound like dave franco. i see it. that guy has a douchey smile tho.”

(me: *looks into the camera like i’m on the office*)

[riotgrlpossum]

tagged by: @simon-moonroe

rules: answer thirty questions, tag 20 people you want to get to know better (< i’m not gonna do that, not because there aren’t people i don’t want to get to know better but because i get *big anxiety* tagging people in things)

Nickname: Kath, Kat 

Gender: female

Star Sign: Aquarius

Myers Briggs Personality: I /think/ i’m an infp??? 

Height: 5′2″ am short

Birthday: jan 26

Favorite Bands: mother mother, jukebox the ghost, the front bottoms, owl and mouse, cage the elephant, the wombats, kaleo, i could go on and on lol

Favorite Solo Artists: dodie, will connolly, ed sheeran, rachel bay jones (she has an album go listen to it), isaac gracie, matt maltese

Song Stuck In My Head: novels by rusty clanton

Last Movie I Watched: iron man three how basic amirite?

Last Show I Watched: shameless (hi i would die for ian gallagher?? just so we’re all on the same page)

When I Created My Blog: time is a construct but i know i was too young to be technically allowed on this website so probs 2013/2014

What I Post About: hnnnnnnnnnnngggg musicals? 

Last Thing I Googled: ummm... “what color are boxes of condoms” - if you’ve read chapter 20 of this isn’t the end you would understand 

Other Blogs I Have: @ask-godly-deh <------- dear evan hansen greek mythology ask blog go follow it!!!!

Why I Chose My URL: aesthetique (tm)

Followers: 684

Favorite Color: probably one not visible to human eyes? but also purple

Average Hours Of Sleep: nope

Lucky Number: 6

Instruments: guitar and ukulele

What I’m Wearing: my depression outfit!! old worn out beatles t-shirt and oversized pajama bottoms stolen from my father

Number of Blankets I Sleep With: ummmmmm it fluctuates depending on like my mental state and wether i need no touching at all or else death or much pressure all the blankets or else death

Dream Job: Actress

Dream Trip: london or nyc

Favorite Food: pumpkin chocolate chip cookies 

[unclehades]

thanks so much for tagging me!! it makes me really happy to be tagged ^^ @heyscience​. this is long sooo


rules: answer 20 questions and tag 20 followers you want to know better


name: andy / andrew, whichever you prefer to use


nickname: andybear, andy, little boy


zodiac sign: scoprio, i'm so bitter as fuck


height: 5"2 - i'm a tiny boy


orientation: pansexual demiromantic demiboy


nationality: polish american (polish on my mom's side)


favorite fruit: watermelon, canteloupe, strawberry

favorite flower: easter lillies, lavender flowers coz they're so small and delicate, roses for their beautiful petals


favorite scent: mint oils, cedarwood oil, japanese cherry blossom lotion/perfume, cologne

favorite animal: rabbits! buns! cotton balls! also bats, deer, cats and otters


coffee, tea or hot chocolate: if i had to pick, it'd be tea


average hours of sleep: 2-12 depending on the day or my depression


cat or dog: i prefer to have both, but i like cats just a little more


number of blankets you sleep with: one big comforter and 4 pillows


dream trip: harajuku in japan to get lots of inspiration from the fashion (i fucking love japanese fashion!!! especially cult party kei, ouji, visual kei, etc.), i'd like to go to canada for a little, korea to see where my dad was stationed, england and ireland


blog created: somewhere around junior year of middle school so like 2012 or 2013? i'm a "sophomore" in college now sooo


number of followers: i think 1,049 right now. it's fluctuating because of porn bots


favorite fictional character: uhhhhhh ummmmmm let's seeeee i always liked victor van dort from corpse bride; demiboy goals

i tag my beautiful @snowcone-dreams, @prince-dreemurrr and @thatsthat24

[miladyaelin]

11 questions

I was looking for a legit reason to take a break from cleaning out my closet, so thanks for the tag @lovingandawkward 😘 

 What is a book that you’ve finished in one sitting? I think the one thats most recent and is impressive-ish is The Hammer of Thor by Rick Riordan. Started reading it on a bus ride to a football game and it was done by the time we got there and unloaded. But the one that’s not as impressive because its really short for my standards of book length is Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi

Were you always into reading or did something spark your reading interest? I was into reading as soon as I was able to read. I had the highest number of AR points in my kindergarten class, which is a proud achievement for a 6 year old. But I think the books that really sparked my reading were Junie B Jones books, The Boxcar Children books, and The Magic Treehouse books.

Are there any songs you relate to a certain book? UGH so many songs. But I think the main ones are for my favs, so Fix You by Coldplay for Throne of Glass (mainly Rowan) and Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine for ACOTAR

In which season do you get the most reading done? There’s not really a specific season... my reading fluctuates between me reading everything nonstop and me not being able to motivate myself to read anything but fanfiction. But the most likely season to get reading done used to be Fall, because of band trips with long bus rides, however now that those times are over, it’ll be sort of whenever I feel like it.

Which book character do you relate to most? I would love to say Aelin Galathynius, but its honestly Celaena Sardothien. I’m a chocoholic, I love books, I’m not the most selfless person in the world, and I love luxury. 

Do you have any reading goals for 2017? If yes, what are your goals? I have an ambitious goal of 50 on my Goodreads, but I doubt I’ll make it, especially with this seemingly never ending reading slump I've been in for the past few months 

Are there any books that you feel like you need to read or else you will miss out on things at booklr? LOL like everything. Namely, Crooked Kingdom, The Shades of Magic series, and The Foxhole Court series.

 What is the most books you’ve ever read in a week/month/year? Uhhhhhh if I really tried (and had enough free time) I could read a book a day. But since my motivation is shit and I don't use my free time well enough, the most at the moment is probably one per week, if even. So most likely less than 50 in a year.

Is there one character everyone else absolutely loved but you despised? Nesta Archeron. I’m sorry to all the Nesta lovers, I don't care for her that much. She just grates me the wrong way... maybe that'll be fixed in ACOWAR because I’d love to be on the Nesta train.. *crossing my fingers* 

Are there any books that remind you of a certain place? Ummmmmm not specifically? BUT Iceland is literally the reality of what so many of the fantasy worlds I know and love look like in my head

How many books do you own? I don't think more than 200, but I haven't counted in a while, and I also don't count my electronic collection, so thats probably a lie.

I need to get back to cleaning now... I tag @hermajestymanon @manonblaxkbeak  @rebornasqueen and anyone else who wants to do this :)

[coddystuff-blog]

Me... Continued...

There is more to me then my fluctuation of gender.  One thing I would lake to make very clear is I am not emo despite everything I say. OK, I guess we can start with music. My taste is a bit all over the place. I love bands and singers like Diet Cig, Billie Eilish, PATD, Melanie Martinez, The Wonder Years, Lana Del Ray, Lorde, My Chemical Romance, The Killers, dodie, All Time Low, Hey Violet, Halsey, Tessa Violet, The Maine, and so so so many more. Its to the point that my entire life revolves around music. There is not a moment I am not blasting music and drowning out the world around me (Side note, right now i’m listening to Drugs & Candy by All Time Low). I’m also a sucker for classics. That is movies wise. My taste in film is about as extensive as my taste in music. Just to give you a little licker i’m a major fan of The Breakfast Club, Dead Poets Society, Heathers, and Too Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Also fun fact, my self esteem is shit so don’t expect me to say anything too positive about myself because there really isn’t anything. Oh ya! I live for photography! It is the one thing about myself that I actually like. The only Problem is that I am too shy to share it with anyone. I’m not sure what else I can say about myself. Ummmmmm, i’m anorexic. That’s something. Anyway I have to leave now. I really I hope I've peaked your interest and you decide to follow me through this tiny little adventure of mine.