#they went on a whole ass date just to prove each other wrong lmao

[youare-mysonshine]

gangsta || oscar diaz

Summary: one of the santos doesn't realize that the reader is oscar's girlfriend and shoves her in front of him. Requested: yes. "could you do a story of someone in the santos yelling at "y/n" and/or shoving her in front of Oscar and how he reacts? if so, thank you!!" Pairing: oscar diaz x reader Warnings: cussing, drinking, violence. Word Count: 2.9k A/N: SHE'S BACK! I took a break from writing because I wasn't feeling it. I lost my groove for a bit, i just didn't have the motivation but I'm slowly getting back into it again. I've missed you all, I've missed writing and I've missed Oscar lmao. the season 3 release date has me hyped as fuck and i couldn't leave you all hanging any longer. this isn't my best work, i'm a bit rusty so pls be nice lmao but HERE WE GO! Send me an ask if any of you wanna be tagged in future work of mine!

________________ "you coming?" oscar's deep voice came out through the speaker on y/n's phone, which sat on her dresser as she finished getting ready, swiping one last touch of lip gloss on her plump lips before putting it back in her make up bag. she looked at herself in the mirror, running her finger through her y/c/h hair. "si, i'm just waiting for angelica to get here. so impatient. i'll be there soon baby." her lips curved up in a tiny smirk as she heard her boyfriend let out a little scoff at her words. she and oscar had been dating for nearly a year now - they had met each other at a party and immediately hit it off. people had warned her to stay away from spooky, that he was no good, nothing but trouble - and sure, she initially had her reservations about dating him given his lifestyle, but she couldn't deny her feelings for him the more time they spent together. their relationship was passionate, intense, fiery. people had doubted that they'd last but there they were, proving everyone wrong. that didn't mean their relationship was always great - they had fights, disagreements. she hadn't agreed with his treatment of cesar, kicking him out and essentially leaving him homeless, but she realized it really was out of his control. "yeah alright. i'll see you mamas." just then, she heard a honk come from outside her home. angelica was there. saying she'd see oscar soon, she ended the call and made her way out of her home, locking the front door behind her and walking over to the car parked beside the sidewalk. inside was her friend angelica and all her friends - she and angelica went to school together and stayed in touch even after they both graduated. it was y/n that had invited angelica to the little party that the santos were throwing. getting in the car, the young female greeted angelica and her friends and with that, they were off, driving down the familiar streets of freeridge to the party. "so you and spooky are still together, huh?" one of angelica's friends, mariana, questioned. at the mention of her boyfriend, the y/h/c haired beauty felt a smile tug at her glossy lips. it was an instant reaction at this point. "oh yeah she is. look at her, she's blushing!" one of her other friends, yesenia, remarked, a wide, amused grin on her face. y/n rolled her eyes, but wore a smile on her face nonetheless. "ay ya cayense. yeah we're still together. it's gonna be a year soon." she told them. "a whole year. and some people thought we wouldn't make it past a month." "so i'm guessing you're not gonna need a ride home after the party?" "oh girl you already know what she's gonna be riding after the party. tu ya sabes." ____ the drive lasted only about a few more minutes before they finally arrived at their destination. mariana parked the car in front of the car and all four ladies climbed out. y/n immediately spotted her boyfriend's cherry red car and she got excited, wanting nothing more than to just see him already. together, all four ladies walked side by side down the driveway of the house and into the backyard where the party was just barely getting started. the sun was still out and the backyard wasn't as full as she knew it would become. she knew once the moon was out, that's when shit would get cracking. y/n's y/e/c eyes scanned the group of santos for her own santo until she finally saw him. he had just turned and walked away from who she recognized to be ruby and his older brother mario. mario who just so happened to be angelica's ex boyfriend. but that went to the very back of her mind when oscar's dark eyes landed on her, when a smile pulled at his lips and showed off those dimples she loved so much. her feet moved on autopilot, carrying her toward her tall boyfriend until both of them were standing in front of each other. "hey mamas." he greeted. he leaned down ever so slightly, hands on her hips, pulling her body flush against his muscular one. the butterflies in her stomach were going wild and she wasn't ashamed to admit that oscar always had that effect on her. "hey papito." she leaned up as he leaned down and finally closed the space between them, their lips meeting in a kiss that took her breath away. in the midst of their lip locking session, y/n felt oscar's large hand sliding away from her hip, moving to her back and down to her ass, giving it a firm squeeze. she let out a small gasp followed a breathless laugh against his lips, resulting in a smile pulling at his lips. both of them pulled apart, her hands resting on his chest and his hand still holding onto her hand, meanwhile the other was on her hip. "you look good." he commented, glancing down at her body. y/n smiled, removing one hand from his chest and lifting it up to his face. with her thumb, she wiped away from of the shiny residue of her lip gloss from his lips, knowing for sure that her own lips were now smudged with the clear gloss. "you don't look so bad yourself baby. thanks." she snatched the beer right from his hand and took a drink from it, giving him an innocent look. "damn, so you just gonna come up in here and take my drink?" he asked, face hardening, though she could see the humor shining in his eyes. he wasn't serious and she knew that. one thing that she loved about their relationship was the different sides she saw to oscar - she saw his vulnerable side, the side no one really saw, and his goofy and silly side. sure, oscar was a serious man but with her it was as if he was comfortable enough to be what he couldn't be in front of everyone else. "mhm. what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine." she took a drink from the beer to drive her point home, laughing after she had swallowed the alcohol, laughing because oscar gave her ass a soft smack. "alright smart ass. let's go get another beer since you wanna be taking mine." with oscar's arm now wrapped around her, they walked toward the cooler, y/n greeting the santos that she was familiar with. most of the people that were there already knew her or had heard of her - it wasn't a secret that spooky had a girlfriend. "so, mario is here. angelica is here - that's not gonna end well, you know." she commented, glancing over to her clueless friend who had absolutely no idea her ex-boyfriend was at the same party with his little brother. mario on the other hand had seemed to notice angelica and was doing everything in his power to avoid being seen by her. "shit, that ain't my problem. i was just trying to help little man out." ____ the sun had gone down and now the moon (along with some lights) was illuminating the party which was in full swing. there was a dj booth set up, more people now occupied the backyard. music was playing, people were drinking, playing beer pong and having fun. y/n was among them - oscar was standing a few feet away with his homies while she stood with some of her own friends, some of them were also girlfriend's of santos. the young female held a drink in her hand, her body slightly swaying to the music that was playing loud through the speakers, a smile on her face as she listened to one of the other girls animatedly tell a story about the time her boyfriend got shit faced drunk. it all happened so quick. one moment y/n was laughing, tipping her head back, and the next her shoulder was accidentally being pushed by someone walking by her. it wasn't hard enough to hurt but it was hard enough for her to lose her balance and trip on her own feet. she crashed into a body beside her own, her drink spilling down their shirt and regret and embarrassment immediately took hold of her entire being. "shit! shit, i am so fucking sorry!" she apologized profusely. it was a guy she had crashed into - she recognized him as someone who had recently been initiated into the santos. she thought she had heard some of the guys refer to him as carlos. his eyes were on her and he looked anything but happy. his nostrils were flaring and his eyes held anger. surely he understood that it had been an accident right? "i can get you some napkins-" "you dumb bitch! watch where the fuck you're going!" before y/n could even react or have time to process what was happening, she felt her body being shoved backwards roughly, the air leaving her lungs for a brief second. she collided with the cold hard ground rather harshly, her palms breaking her fall - she could already feel the sting of the scrapes she was sure that she had. her ass hurt too from the sheer force in which she had fallen. she could feel the tears stinging at her eyes but she refused to cry, not in front of all these people who now had their eyes on the scene which was unfolding. "you stupid hyna. that'll teach you to watch where-" he never got the chance to finish what he was saying because a fist collided with his face and sent him falling to the ground similarly to y/n. it was oscar and he held nothing back as he leaned over carlos and began punching the absolute shit out of him, anger radiating from every inch of his body.

oscar hadn't seen what had led up to her getting shoved to the ground, but he had seen carlos laying his hands on her and pushing her to the ground and he saw red. nothing but red. he was protective over those he loved and cared about and there was no exception when it came to y/n. he wasn't about to let some pinche desgraciado disrespect his lady like that, he wasn't about to let him get away with putting his hands on her and pushing her to the ground.

all anyone could do was stare as oscar, who no doubt was now spooky, lay into carlos' bloody face, face contorted in anger. people knew better than to try and stop an angry oscar. "you fucking put your hands on my girl? huh?!" y/n had seen oscar get mad before, but she had never seen him get that mad. she had never seen him become that enraged. and while it was certainly a frightening sight, she couldn't help the way that it made her feel - he was defending her. "i should fucking kill you for laying a hand on her puto. i should fucking kill you!" meanwhile carlos was whimpering beneath oscar that he hadn't known she was his girlfriend and that he was sorry. that was when y/n sprang into action, pushing herself up and ignoring the sting she felt in her palms. she knew that if she didn't stop oscar, or at least try to, he'd definitely kill carlos. she knew what that tear drop tattoo meant, but that certainly wasn't how she wanted the night to end. "oscar! oscar baby, stop. stop!" she looked over at two santos and gestured for them to stop oscar and they did as told, each of them grabbing oscar by the arms and pulling the tall man away from the now bloodied carlos. he gave a wheeze, spitting out some blood, turning on his side and curling in on himself from the pain. oscar shoved the two santos off of him and leaned down, harshly pulling up the bloodied man by the collar of his shirt, getting in his face, lips curled like a rabid dog ready to bite. oscar was certainly ready to strike again, the only person stopping him was y/n and his need to make sure she was okay. "you're gonna apologize to her. and then you're gonna fucking leave. i don't wanna see you because if i see you, i'm gonna fuck you up again. don't ever put your hands on my lady again. that goes for everybody here!" his voice boomed, eyes looking around at the crowd that had gathered around the scandalous scene. "if any of you ever put your hands on y/n, it'll end the same way it did for this puto desgraciado." he spat. then his focus was back on carlos, shoving him in the direction of y/n, who was gently rubbing at her palms. "you're fucking lucky i didn't kill you. apologize. now." carlos, genuinely fearful, looked at y/n as best as he could with one of his eyes already closing shut. "i-i'm.. i-i'm sorry.. i'm r-really.. sorry.." each word he spoke seemed to be painful for him to get out. but y/n didn't care. all she was focused on was oscar. after the apology, oscar shoved carlos in the direction of the driveway, everyone watching as he stumbled off by himself. the crowd dispersed, chatter now erupting all over the backyard once more, everyone no doubt discussing what had just happened. everyone knew to give oscar space, leave him be because he was still seething with anger. but while everyone moved away from the angry santo, y/n moved closer to him, gently reaching for his hand that was bloody. she couldn't tell if it was his blood or carlos' blood. "os.." she spoke softly. his eyes met her own and they softened ever so slightly before he looked away, looking anywhere but her. she sighed, pulling him along with her inside the house. with his hand in hers, she walked them inside the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. the young female put the toilet lid down and sat him down on it. she grabbed a towel and wet it with some water before reaching for his hand, wiping away the blood. the white towel became red, and she realized all the blood was from carlos' face. oscar suddenly reached out and stopped her actions. her took the towel from her hands and turned them around so her palms were facing him. they were scraped up and some little pebbles from the ground had embedded themselves in her skin. it wasn't bad but it certainly stung, especially now that the adrenaline she had felt earlier was starting to die down. oscar gave a deep sigh, bringing her hands up to his lips and pressing a kiss against her skin. "i'm sorry, mamas." he still wouldn't look at her. "i'm sorry this shit happened to you. lo siento. i never wanted you to see me like that." it made sense to her now. oscar was ashamed of y/n seeing him like that, seeing him lose control and beat someone to a bloody pulp. he had never wanted her to see that side of him - she knew being with oscar wasn't gonna be a fairy-tale, she knew what his lifestyle was like and what he did, who he was. but she loved him regardless. "oscar, hey. look at me." she spoke in a soft voice. "look at me." she removed her hands from his large ones and placed them on his cheeks, getting him to finally look at her. her eyes fell on the teardrop tattoo resting below his eye, and her thumb smoothed over the black ink, then their eyes met once more. the dark eyes she loved so much stared deep into her own and it was like she was swimming in pools of chocolate. "you don't have to be sorry. what happened, it was fucked up but i'm fine, alright? really. it's just a few scrapes. nothing bad. and.. i'll admit, seeing you like that.. it definitely took me by surprise." she admitted. oscar's jaw clenched, and he tried turning his head but she wouldn't let him. "it took me by surprise but it also made me realize how safe i am with you. i remember when we first got together, you told me that being with you was dangerous but.. you protect me better than anyone. don't be ashamed, not with me. i know you, os. and i love you." he perked up at those words, the shame leaving his eyes, being replaced with something else entirely. for a few seconds he was silent, but his hands slipped around her waist and tugged her forward. he rested his forehead on her stomach, shutting his eyes. "i love you too preciosa. i'd do anything for you. anything." when oscar looked back up at her, eyes shining with an emotion he rarely showed around anyone else, she leaned down, capturing his lips in a kiss. his lips that were spewing nothing but hate at carlos were now moving soft against her own. "you know.." y/n murmured softly against his lips, pulling away slightly. she rested her forehead against his own, their lips still brushing together. "it was actually kinda hot seeing you like that.. seeing you defend me like you did.." oscar's lips curled up into a smirk, his hands now sliding down to her ass where he grabbed two handfuls, fingers lightly digging into her ample, clothed flesh. "oh yeah? how about we get outta here, baby girl? you can, uh, repay me for defending you.." "yeah alright. i do need a ride."

[welcometothemxdhouse]

BEARD

(Gif is not mine thanks to whoever made it lmao)

My second time trying to write, yall know it had to be the loml Chilton again. Especially Chilton with facial hair cause that shit ✨hurts✨

The way tumblr keeps RUINING the formatting UGH

Warnings: smut

Frederick had been away for two weeks on business and you missed him more than anything. It was the first time you had been apart properly since you started dating a few months ago. You called each other every day and texted between his schedule but it wasn’t the same as being able to cuddle him or kiss his adorable cheeks or even hold his hand whenever you wanted.

On the day he was due home you decided to set up a surprise to greet him-you knew he’d be stressed from two whole weeks of trying to prove he was superior to everyone else in the room. You lit the candles on the dining room table, ventured into your boyfriend’s large and wholly unnecessary wine cellar to retrieve a bottle of his favourite then left the dinner in the oven whilst you went to take a shower.

Just as you were lathering the shampoo in your hair you heard the door to the bathroom open. You temporarily froze before you heard Frederick’s soft voice say “Hello”.

“Hey baby, welcome home!” You said as you pushed open the door to the shower slightly, “You wanna join?”

Frederick stopped and stared for a few seconds, as if he was processing your question before rushing to take off his obnoxious, designer suit piece by piece and stepping into the shower. For the first time, you had the chance to take him in and holy shit did it make your heart jump. He clearly had been neglecting himself slightly without your presence and a small beard had started to grow and shape his already gorgeous bone structure. Your thoughts were interrupted by his voice,

“I’ll shave it after we’ve showered, i promise”

You lifted your eyes to meet his, surprise clearly not hiding itself on your face as you released he’d misinterpreted your reaction. You leaned forward and captured his lips with yours. The speed at which you pushed your tongue into his mouth and turned the kiss from tender to passionate made him stumble backwards until his back was pressed against the cold marble wall. You pulled away to catch your breath and placed your hands on Frederick’s chest, running your fingers through his dark chest hair.

“Don’t you dare shave. Not until i’ve felt that beard between my legs.”

Frederick’s breath hitched and you felt his dick jump between your bodies. His shocked expression was stolen when you pushed him further back so his ass was against the wall and you kissed him again.

After a few minutes, the throbbing of Frederick’s neglected dick against your stomach combined with the sound of his desperate moans gave you an idea. You pulled away from him and continued to wash your hair as if nothing had happened. Frederick reached forward and tried to pull you back to him but you resisted. You felt your boyfriend step forward and press himself into your back and take a deep breath,

“Did i do something wrong?”

“No baby, i just want to clean myself. That’s what the shower is for after all.” You smirked as you turned your head to kiss him softly, intentionally moving your ass slightly to rub against his dick. His whimper brought the same smirk back to your face. That was until you felt his hand slide downwards to grasp himself.

“If you come in this shower you’ll be waiting another two weeks to come again”.

His eyes locked onto yours as he quickly dropped his hand. You turned around and grabbed the soap, slowly squeezing it into your hand and lifting your leg to lather it on yourself. You were aware of Frederick’s eyes burning into your back and trailing downwards as you leant forward under the warm water, watching the droplets roll over your ass. You stood up again and turned around to face him, wrapping an arm around his neck and dropping the other to trace a line up and down the underside of his dick with your index finger. Frederick dropped his head to your neck and hissed at your teasing, biting and sucking your skin in between his moans. You felt yourself dripping at the noises he was making. You found his wrist and guided his hand to your core.

“I have only just washed and i’m already a mess again. What are you going to do about that, Frederick?” You tutted, wrapping your fingers in his hair and roughly pulling his head away from your neck, “how about you be a good little slut and clean up the mess you’re making”.

You use the hand in his hair to push him to his knees and towards your core. Frederick briefly looked up at you from under his eyelashes before plunging forward and sweeping his tongue across your folds, moaning appreciatively as he tasted you. The sensation of his new beard brushing against your thighs made you see stars.

“Fuck i missed you” you moaned, your head falling back against the shower wall.

“I missed you too... so much” he muttered against you, the vibrations sending jolts through to your stomach. His tongue flicked swiftly over your clit before pushing forward and into you, his beard brushing against your bundle of nerves with every movement. You clenched around him as you felt the familiar knot twist inside you-after two weeks apart you were more than desperate for your boyfriend.

“I’m gonna come, baby, i’m gonna come on your face” you stuttered, bracing your free hand on the wall behind you as Frederick lifted his hand from its grip on your thigh to push a finger inside you, curling it to hit your most sensitive spot. Between his fingers, his tongue and his beard your whole body shook as you hit your climax, crying out his name combined with a string of expletives.

When you regained your senses you stood up straight and looked down. The sight alone nearly made you come again. Frederick’s beard was dripping with a mixture of water and your come, his hair was a mess and his eyes were full blown with lust. You tapped your finger under his chin as an instruction for him to stand up. You pressed a soft kiss to his lips before giggling to yourself.

“Hurry up out of this damn shower, Frederick, i’ll wait on the bed”.

[eutaerpe]

the kim social test

pairing — jungkook x reader 

word count —  15.4k

genre/warnings— fluff, friends to lovers au. domestic!jungkook, jungkook in a towel, kissing, mentions of sex. and they were roommates! trope, namjoon is attractive (even though we all knew this), mentions of drinking because Taehyung creates the Kim Social Test while drunk and Jimin prompts to get wasted maybe more than once. who knows. rom com undertones?

summary —  “I’m moving out.” These are the first words Jungkook hears on a fatal Thursday morning, hands holding onto the kitchen counter. A mixed feeling paints his expression. “I know we haven’t talked about this, but I think we both know that it’s the right thing to do. I can’t stay here anymore.”

alternatively, “it takes more than five exhibits for you to prove that Jungkook is a zero, according to the Kim Social Test”.

notes —  i accidentally started writing this in first person. 3k words into the story i realized my mistake lmao i thought about changing it, but it would have affected the writing style of TKST which was supposed to be a short thing about jungkook and the reader shy panicking, moving in together, becoming friends and guk eventually getting a blowjob. life really be like that sometimes, huh? anyway i hope you all don’t mind because tkst is my baby ♥︎ it might be flawed and i, for myself, can already see space for improvement. reading my a smoking party draft, i can see how much i’ve improved. this style is something fresh and new for me lol i’m so excited to share something i’ve worked on since january. let me know what you think  ♥︎

THE KIM SOCIAL TEST

(or “it takes three attempts to realize that Taehyung can be, indeed, right too”)

“I’m moving out”

These are the first words Jungkook hears on a fatal Thursday morning, hands holding onto the kitchen counter.

A mixed feeling paints his expression.

“I know we haven’t talked about this, but I think we both know that it’s the right thing to do,” I add, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, “I can’t stay here anymore.”

“So, you’re moving out. Definitely,” he ruffs his own hair, voice steady and low, his typical morning voice. Even though it seems like he’d like to add more — start asking questions, clear any doubt — I interrupt him, trying to sound as firm as possible.

“Absolutely,” then he nods, slowly, “I’m moving out.”

 HYPOTESYS: JUNGKOOK IS A ONE

— 6 months earlier —

It starts like this.

“I’m moving out,” I declare, as Jimin opens a bottle of beer. “Tomorrow, as a matter of fact.”

Taehyung beams, excited, “Y/N! That’s amazing!” - he engulfs me in a friendly hug, laughing openly - “With this short notice? Fucking fantastic. Where are you going to stay, then?”

I see Jimin filling our glasses, a satisfied smile on his lips, too.

I can’t help but sigh at the sight. Things are going to run smoothly from now on. I can feel it. All according to my plan, nevertheless. God knows how much I wanted that job - (“Hello, Namjoon! Yes, it’s still me, any news on the… yes, I know, trust me, I know it’s only been a couple days, yes, they usually take a week or two to choose the interns, let alone the newcomers… That can do! What’s four, five more days? I can wait for weeks. It’s not like I have a place on the line. Or my whole life. Mhm. Yeah. Yes,” smiling sardonically, I start tapping my fingers on the desk, “Always a sweetheart. Thank you again, Namjoon!”) - wanted out of that small, reeking apartment I had, up until yesterday, to share with two guys I hope I’ll never meet again in my life (as Jimin once said, get wasted with me and you’ll forget them. As Taehyung once replied, have sex with me and you’ll even forget your own name. I agreed to the first reasonable proposal, but apparently even getting drunk with Jimin doesn’t help. Especially if, after the second Negroni, sometime before sipping from the glass Jager, you stop thinking clearly and end up at your place with a heavy Jimin partially covering your figure. Ergo, we went home. We woke up with a terrible headache just as my I’d-rather-forget roommate greeted us, more than partially naked, definitely wasted, absolutely stenching).

“I-uh, I think you know the guy? At least, mentioned him a couple of times over the years? Jeon Jungkook?”

Taehyung raises an eyebrow, tongue wetting the upper lip. “The Jeon Jungkook?”

“Roommate of Min Yoongi? The one and only?”

“Yeah, he’s leaving for an internship abroad he didn’t think would win, so he left Jungkook with such a short notice he had to actually go look for someone to pay half the rent with,” I explain, “What’s up with the tone, though? He seemed nice. Over the phone he almost sounded shy. And I’m the one saying he seemed shy. I couldn’t talk to any of you for the first weeks of high school even though we walked the same way home and had known each other for years. Me!”

“The chances of Jungkook being shy are the same as me being a virgin,” Jimin explains, rolling his eyes.

I furrow my forehead. Things don’t add up. “I don’t believe you,” My purple haired friend drops dramatically his head on his hands, “Not the virgin part, I know you won’t tell me whom you had your first time with, which, by the way, rude, but I’m pretty sure there has been one to begin with— “

“Trust me, there’s been even more than one with that same person.”

“Taehyung, gross,” I exclaim, “Not the point. I’m not interested in your sexual life— “

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” Tae shrugs. Jimin groans. I close my eyes, red staining my cheeks—See? Shy! I told them. I’m the shy one. And I can sense a shy one around me. Jungkook gives off this… timid vibe. I’m sure of it, I can’t be wrong, for God’s sake.

“I don’t believe you, at all. Twenty bucks says the guy’s a timid, socially awkward introvert too nervous to muster up the courage to even talk to me.”

They look at me in disbelief. I can’t believe them. I have good instincts. They know it, too. So what? They mentioned the guy a few times over the years. It’s inevitable—they’re friendly, outgoing, extroverts. They know people. They inevitably bump into people when they’re out partying and going to class and joining groups and going to the gym.

Apparently, there are people who can juggle between three different activities while at college. Activities that don’t include showing up to classes, calling your mother at least once a week, and searching for a job. Duh. Who knew?

People nowadays judge before getting to know others. It’s something millennials and elders have in common, every now and then.

Plus, rumours are worse than the Black Plague. You wake up and tell a friend you feel this is your lucky day, then it turns out people say you got up flexing on how you got lucky. And you had your walk of shame. While sore. And naked. Because in this fucked-up scenario, you’re born confident in your own body. And your walk of shame is very valid, even though it’s in your own house. (Read: this is a fucked-up scenario) Gasp! How rumours fly. How much stories are accurately changed and automatically deterred with a simple misunderstanding.

It’s 2019, for Christ’s sake. Give the kid the benefit of the doubt.

“Agreed,” Jimin says, a smug grin on his lips, right before Taehyung shakes my hand, smirking openly.

 EXHIBIT A

Okay, so. In hindsight, it’s 2019. Never trust first impressions. Or your superb instincts.

Jungkook? Older than me. Just slightly, however. Bigger than me. Bulkier than what I imagined him to be. Sure, he had a sweet voice but what’s the point, huh, when you’re almost six feet tall and as intimidating as Jimin when he’s dancing? Or Tae when he plays the piano?

“I call bullshit, what the fuck,” I hiss, holding onto my phone, “You agreed to this even after I told you ‘I can’t believe you, you’re fucking making this up’?”

“Especially after that,” Tae sighs, and I want to punch him, “I can’t say no to free money. Well, fairly earned money.”

“Where’s fairness in all this? You let me move in. With a guy. That is—how can I say this?”

“Hot? Very fuckboy-ish?”

I refrain myself from answering. What have I gotten myself into? So much for things finally running smoothly.

“Very Not Shy,”

“Oh, what a curious phrasing. Have you talked to him yet? Or better—proved my Kim Social Test right?”

The Kim Social Test – also widely known among your friends as the infamous Kim Taehyung’s third attempt to be right – is something he made up while tipsy (because he can’t possibly hold his liquors, although one would never hear this coming out from Taehyung’s own mouth), frowning and frustrated. It’s more like an investigation of all sorts aimed to prove one’s social skills, ranking from one, id est a nice, cute introvert who, given the chance, will surprise you, to twenty-three, as in the years Tae and Jimin had known each other when Tae made this test up. Not that I’ll ever admit it to him, but I suppose there’s partial truth somewhere in between all those steps, fuelled by the dark-haired friend of mine’s interest in psychology, reverse psychology, communication, and his instincts.

Step one: talk to the person in question.

Step one failed.

Unless Jungkook’s the one trying to test the KST on me.

“What I’m trying to say,” I begin, unsure, “Is that he smiled. Offered to help with my things. Explained how things work here – anything from the absurd no dating slash no couples! policy, to how to deal with neighbours. Turns out that the landlord is staying on the floor below ours, while the landlord’s son in on the floor above. But I’m digressing,” Taehyung snorts, the great friend, “He was being nice—borderline over friendly, then said not to mind his absence, every now and then, because he needs to de-stress, if I know what he means, and I’m always free to try his car with, uh, him, if I know what he means.”

“So, your paranoid ass is trying to tell me he hit on you twice?”

“I’m finally out of that squalid place even you promptly detested and I knock into this splendid flat – you should see how neat and spacious it is – only for it to be inhabited by some horny guy who’s keen on getting laid. Tell me how I should feel, Taehyung.”

Taehyung stays silent for a hot second, slightly worrying me that he hung up on me.

“I’ll tell you what,” – the best friend suggests, while I start twisting my ring – “Jiminie and I are coming over this evening. He’ll see us, he’ll understand, he’ll back off. In this precise order. You in?”

“Roger that, captain.”

This prompts Taehyung’s laugh, loud and dazzling, the comforting noise filling my ears.

 EXHIBIT B

Step one: talk to the person in question.

A month ago, this mere action would have terrified me. Which is a solemn hypocrite thing of me to think, now, because, as a matter of fact, it threw me off. Not one bit of me was safe and sound, after I non-talked to Jungkook when I moved in. I didn’t think I’d ever muster up the courage to converse to him—maybe just to politely decline his feeble and frantic advance.

(“Fuck, you’re so dramatic,” were Jimin’s first words when I opened the door that night. Maybe so, Park.)

However, I was substantially right. I soon realized that maybe my roommate – twenty-two, almost 6 feet tall, shows a playful tendency to wear only commonly dark clothes – really is shy. After Jimin and Taehyung came over, that very same day, he turned into a mess, avoiding altogether eye contact with me, backing away even when my friends – not anymore concerned – offered him dinner.

A spur of bravado, we agreed later on that day. Known that – understanding that maybe he was just as excited and terrified about the new intruder as I was—made us magically forget altogether about that small… incident. About the awkward spur of bravado, I mean.

“Tough Tuesday shift?”

Jungkook is spread on the couch, his long form lost among all the cushions. He’s holding what I assume are papers he needs to grade, several of them scattered on the coffee table before a mug of tea and three red pens. Being an assistant teacher suits him, in a way. He’s tidy, neat, precise – I’ll never stop repeating this sudden realization in my mind. He revealed, on a late night, the movie long forgotten, that doing the laundry calms his nerves. Can’t quite believe that this is the same person who implied he needed sex to relax.

“Let’s say Namjoon doesn’t forget easily,” I try to joke as he grins warmly, adjusting on the couch so that he faces me more comfortably. He studies me as I take off my coat, his inquiring gaze following every move I make – including me staring back at him.

“Seokjin-hyung came by, an hour ago or so,” he announces, passing a hand on the dark grey sweater hugging his torso, “Left something he prepared because he’s convinced I can’t cook. The very same person who taught me how to properly feed myself—can you believe it?”

Although his tone is teasing, tainted by almost pure disbelief, he keeps on grinning. I chuckle. “Yeah, how rich of him.”

“If you’re not planning anything, we could have real dinner together. Finish Haikyuu!’s third season on the couch. We could even just complain about your boss, really. If you’re up for it, I mean,” he rubs the nape of his neck, discarding on the coffee table the papers that moments ago he was holding.

That’s the thing about Jungkook. He’s his very own person, discreet, kind, nonetheless quiet. He does things a lazy eye wouldn’t even notice; someone uncaring would not bat their eyes at his deep, silent actions that speak more than words could ever. It’s more than just wearing his heart on his sleeve – it’s caring and being attentive not just because sometimes it’s convenient or it casually happens. There’s meaning beside his every action, led by his desire to truly be helpful. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s really not the person people make him out to be, and I mentally scoff at Tae and Jimin’s antics when I said ‘Jeon Jungkook?’ and they had answered with ‘The Jeon Jungkook?’, staining his… persona. His kind soul.

I hum, nodding eagerly.

“Yeah, it sounds amazing. I’d like that.”

His bunny smile makes a bashful appearance.

***

Step two: pay attention to the body language. Spot the differences between how the person in question talks and acts.

The first time I hear about Mina it’s on a Wednesday afternoon, and Jungkook’s not home.

Following Namjoon around for the entire day meant that the smart, charming new leader of the Publishing Department – a promotion he got a few days after I became his colleague – got, at the same time, amused by my… consistency and tired of having me as his new shadow.

He, of course, understands what it means to be new, fresh out of college and passionate about my new job and has tried, for the past few days, to challenge my abilities – perhaps soon, yes, but the glint in Namjoon’s dark eyes tells me that he sees in me the same young guy he was himself, not even a long time ago. Hence the try-doing-this-on-your-own with its thrilling sequel I’ll-be-here-when-you’re-done he’s thrown on me lately.

Which is a nice way of saying you’ve become bearable but as the new leader I’ve got more work on my hands, so I can’t guide you through this new world slash don’t make me regret trusting you. I swear, this man has a way with words Hemingway could never.

Anyway, this explains why I’m working on this novel – the debut work of a young writer Namjoon firmly believes in – in our living room, laptop on my thighs and manuscript in my hands. On a Wednesday afternoon. Alone. Because Jungkook’s Wednesdays are, in this order, full of assholes actual-professors that expect the most from him, gym, kick boxing with Yugyeom, and finally coming back home to hit the shower and fucking rest.

Apparently, however, Yoongi isn’t aware of his former roommate’s schedule, because he’s Skype-calling him, in this very moment. I’m not snooping into his stuff, not at all, it’s just that the last time they did this – having a video call like two adorable siblings – Jungkook used my laptop and forgot to log out.  Which is a very good explanation for why Min Yoongi’s eyes are staring into mine.

“Y/N?”

“Hi,” I splutter, as surprised as he sounded. “Seems like Guk forgot to log out since you last talked.”

“Oh,” he murmurs, hands in his wet, mint hair. “Is he home? I’ve been trying to get a hold of him, but the kid’s been avoiding all my calls.”

That doesn’t sound like Jungkook. Sure, he’s not winner of the year for the fastest replier ever existed, but in decent time – which can vary between two hours and two days – he gets the message (pun intended) and decides to grace his acquaintances with an answer. Or a call back.

“No—Wednesdays are usually the worst week-days for him,” as I explain, though, I can’t help but notice the deep sigh Yoongi exhales. Or the tiredness of his expression. “…but as soon as I see him, I can deliver a message for you, if you want? He’s gonna be tired, no joke, but I’ll make him call you back, I promise.”

The sympathetic smile he sends my way makes me want to punch my roommate. Which would probably hurt like hell, if the ungodly hours he spends at the gym are anything to go by.

Still: Min Yoongi being exhausted because of him is a good reason why I should at least try to hit him. Min Yoongi is Jimin’s… idol, famous in the music department with a deceiving reputation of being anything but sociable. Wrong, terribly wrong. He’s not. He’s a small loving and caring friend in the body of a small human. The amount of times he called to make sure Jungkook was okay is— truly admirable. (He even helped Jimin with a project of his, once. Hence the epithet of the one and only. I have a terrific theory of him being somehow linked to my Jimin, but no one has still dared to answer me. Jerks. Tae and him both.)

“Sure. Tell him his to talk to his girlfriend. I’m tired of having her blabbing no stop about how much of a jerk he’s turned into lately and disputing whether declining her calls means he’s cheating on her or a strategy of his that will end with Jungkook surprising her on their anniversary.”

Wait, what?

“Jungkook has a girlfriend? He’s in a… romantic relationship that doesn’t involve playing Overwatch with Taehyung on Friday nights?”

“You don’t know about Mina?”

“What the fuck is a Mina?”

He stills for a second. “I… I don’t understand. Are you shitting me?”

“I’m not. I know there’s a strict rule about not bringing your dates over and not fucking in this apartment, but I’ve never heard of her. He never mentioned her. I’ve never seen this girl, never even knew she existed before you told me.”

Yoongi begins scratching his forearms. He tilts his head, staring into the void of his room.

“What the fuck,” is the final summary of his train of thoughts. Yeah, what the hell. “I’m not sure I want to be part of this helping circle anymore. We always joked that Jungkook would turn out to be the reason why Jin-hyung will have grey hair, but I never imagined he’d be mine too. I swear, this kid.”

“I can still talk to him, though. This isn’t lying, not even sure if it counts as lying by omission but…” I shrug, “I don’t know. I’m wondering why he kept his mouth shut.”

Yoongi mutters something I can’t make out, then asks if I can still deliver the message and abruptly ends the conversation.

You live for a month with a guy and think you know him. It stings in a funny way knowing you don’t.

Jungkook finds me on the couch when he comes back home. He has tiredness written all over his face – his crinkled forehead, his sweaty appearance; I can sense it among the silent grunt and deep sighs he exhales thinking I’m not in the living room.

“Hey,” I pout, eyes on the manuscript.

My roommate turns around in a swift move, eyes wide open. “You still up?”

He’s tired. I know he’s tired. His velvet voice doesn’t betray his shape. I don’t buy it.

I hum, turning on the couch so that he can’t see my face, my eyes still on the novel. I can see him pausing and wondering what’s going on in the periphery of my sight.

“Yoongi wants to let you know you should stop ignoring him and your girlfriend so she can stop pestering him. Virtually hugs you and sends a thousand kisses, too.”

He doesn’t say anything for a while, but then I hear his footsteps and I see him in front of me, licking his lips, lost in his thoughts. His fingers move continuously on the bag he’s holding. As I focus my gaze on his face, I realise that what hurts more is that he didn’t trust me enough with this information rather than not fully knowing him, my roommate. It doesn’t concern this specific piece of information, per se, more the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable enough in sharing something that is supposed to make him cheerful and proud. Maybe I projected much, I don’t know? Just because you share a flat with someone it doesn’t mean he’s your friend.

“I didn’t mean to keep this a secret—I swear…” he trails off, and I bite back a laugh, delusion hitting me.

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Jungkook. I’m not your mom and sure as fuck I’m not your confidant. I’m just your roommate. I’m sure it would have come up, if you had to sexile me because of her. Don’t worry,” I spit out, at once regretting my harshness, “I get it.”

“You don’t, though. You don’t know me,” he begins, following me when I get up.

“I know I don’t!”

“I don’t mean it that way, fuck! Y/N!” - he grabs my wrists, eyes darting into mine – “We’re… we’re just in a bad place right now. We needed a pause, I begged for it, but she didn’t want to, so I’m—uhm, choosing not to deal with her at the moment. We’re going through a lot,” he says, pondering his words, thumbs moving on my hands. I freeze at the contact.

“Yoongi doesn’t know. Because she’s mad at me for something that happened a long time ago when we weren’t together. And, fuck, I don’t want Yoongi to think about that time. I don’t want to think about that time. I didn’t think she’d pester him, shit”

The high-pitched laughter he lets out almost frightens me. Jungkook’s fidgeting look pushes me to intertwine our hands. I don’t have time for disbelief towards my own gesture—his former, floating discomfort strays gradually from his body as I do so.

I keep the eye contact with his doe eyes—it happens then. His breathing comes back to normal, his fingers grasp firmly mine. I’m here, I want to say.

I only manage a quiet: “It’s okay. It’s okay, Jungkook” that has him nodding, sure.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” he announces.

“Sure,” I breath out, “Listen. I know I’m not probably the person you’d want to have this conversation with… but if you don’t feel like bothering Yoongi – which you’re not. Unless you call him in the middle of the night – you can always talk to me. Count on me.”

Jungkook pinches the bridge of his noise.

“Wouldn’t it bother you?”

“Of course not, you giant baby.”

He chuckles. “Alright. Wait for me?”

“I’m ready when you are.”

***

“Is there a way to turn sad stories into happy ones?”

My hands fall around the mug. “Have you always been this dramatic or did Yugyeom punch you so hard you’re not well functioning?”

He bites back a laugh. “We both know I’d need a stronger hook to lose consciousness, c’mon.”

“I don’t know,” I play pretend, “The other day Jin barely slapped you and you looked like you wanted to cry.”

“Hey!” his hot cocoa is long forgotten, “I’ll have you know he’s older than me—”

“Oh, so now age matters?”

“—and has been playing kick-boxing for a lot longer than I have. Obviously, he knows what he’s doing!”

“It was just a friendly slap!”

He scoffs, still smiling.

“You know, when Yoongi called he asked me if I knew about Mina and I answered, ‘what the fuck is a Mina?’ which, in hindsight, it’s not a very kind thing to ask.”

Jungkook bursts into a quiet laugh, back against the wall. Maybe being on the carpet isn’t a suiting position to have a talk—about serious matters, too. But Jungkook’s comfortable, and as long as he is, I really don’t care.

It was weird seeing him, even if just for a fraction of a second, losing control.

Maybe he needs a friend more than he knows.

“I met Mina a long time ago. Sophomore year, maybe? I had been dating Sowon for two years then—Sowon and I met in high school, she was my first girlfriend. A bit older than me. When I got into college, we started fighting for the most meaningless things, though. For the last months, ours was an on and off relationship. We broke up and made up all the time; it was actually a relief when we broke up for good. That somehow changed me. I dreaded for anything but a relationship. Jin-hyung likes to say that I turned up to be a handsome fuckboy,” he laughs, staring into the mug, “Yoongi-hyung says it was terrible having me around. I was always off to parties and spent most of my nights in girls’ sororities. I’m not exactly proud of that period. Sowon had disappeared from life by then. I only saw her once again, when she found out I had been sleeping around. I don’t know, she got mad. Really mad. Tried to fuck Yoongi-hyung to get back at me.”

“That’s…” Jungkook looks at me, lips parted.  I find out I don’t have it in me to continue my sentence.

“Not ideal, huh?”

“Far from ideal.”

“The hyungs helped a lot, back then. Mina, too. She was one of the girls I had been hooking up with. I can’t say what exactly changed in our relationship, or what she did to make me realize I didn’t want to be careless anymore. One day I started looking at her differently and…” he shrugs, “The rest is history.”

“Damn, and I thought for a solid second that my relationships of five months were a huge fucking goal.” He snickers. “How long have you two been together, then?”

“Two years? No, wait. Almost two years and a half. But lately she’s been hinting that she wants more. Her parents got married very young, and so did her sister. I think she kind of expected me to pop the question, half a year ago. But I haven’t. Which made her think I was cheating on her. Which I’m not. She thinks I’m twenty years old Jungkook all over again. Which, for the third time, I’m not.” He huffs. “I don’t know how to make her understand that we’re young and there’s so much we could be doing rather than worrying about getting married. Christ, I’m twenty-two. I’m barely studying for my master’s degree. She thinks I don’t love her, and it makes me so fucking mad. I begged for a pause. We need some time apart.”

“But you said she refused. Hence why you’re avoiding her.”

“Yeah.” He finishes his hot cocoa off. “Do you think I’m insane for wanting to distance myself for a while?”

“No, I don’t. It may sound cliché, but people who love each other don’t always see eye to eye. They change. Long term relationships require many compromises, and sometimes it’s hard to do that.” I throw my head back against the wall. Jungkook follows my movements with his gaze. “Sometimes you fall out of love, too. Things… happen. People change. There isn’t always a valid reason why. I think that recognizing change is brave. Forcing things to never shift it’s dangerous.”

A peaceful silence falls between our bodies. I can’t help but realize it’s very late. I sneak a look at Jungkook, who’s looking at me with his eyebrows furrowed. I’m glad he decided to trust me.

“You know, for being so short you’ve got an insane amount of wisdom inside of you.”

“Fuck off, Jeon”

He deserves every pillow I’ve thrown him.

 EXHIBIT C

 “And you expect me to say he’s not a jerk?”

“Well,” Lisa breathes out, downhearted. “I don’t think he knows the very meaning of kindness.”

As an ungainly rustle of papers fills my ears, she exhales, turning to Yuna, a scorn adorning her face.

“Look, have you seen the guy? He’s got a promotion and boom!, there he goes thinking he’s better than all of us combined. Don’t let him get to you, girl. He probably thinks that a discussion on the oxford comma is first date material. Fuck,” she then smiles, a curve void of sympathy, “The guy probably thinks he’s too good for a date. Do you recall the last time he looked as if he fucked someone’s brain out?” Yuna doesn’t answer, instead she opts for smoothing her shirt and Lisa smirks, proud. “My point exactly. He’s a poor jerk. Leave him be.”

It’s not considered eavesdropping if they’re sniping about Namjoon out in the open, right? I’m thrown aback for a solid minute, because, yes, Namjoon is a lot, a deeply wholesome and complex guy to have as your boss, but he’s not that bad. Sure, he has his moments – like any of us has – yet he’s attentive, caring, a tall mentor I’m delighted to have around.

Not to mention the fact that he’s attractive. It’s undeniable. He’s charming because he extrudes confidence when he arguments whilst gesticulating, when he talks back and smiles sharply, when his ideas are picked because original, fresh, on the spot.  He trusts and gives, in a manner that can swipe anyone off their feet when adorned with his dimples.

Namjoon’s an attractive man, period.

I frown.

I plop on my chair, coffee in my mug.

Oh my God. Namjoon’s attractive. He’s hot. He’s smart. He’s sarcastic. His humour amazes me first thing in the morning when he hasn’t had his shots of coffee yet and has to talk to people.

Stop, Y/N. Okay, so what? He can be nice to have around. I’m at loss of words – thoughts – when a picture of Namjoon wearing slacks and a white shirt pops in my mind. White shirts fit him so well it’s unreal. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

“Hey, Y/N,” a voice startles me and, as my eyes widen, I turn towards the person in question, “Mind helping me with these?”

Namjoon – fit Namjoon, Kim I’m-wearing-beautiful-glasses Namjoon - points to papers a now hidden part of me I know she recognizes, and I find myself nodding like an idiot before I can even think of an eligible answer.

Think of unattractive people. People you’re not attracted to. People you would mind undressing you. Touching you. Hugging you. Think of…Jungkook.

Jungkook isn’t… my type. He’s warm, he’s soft with his bunny smile and happy eyes. He wears dark t-shirts on a daily basis. He snorts when his students write absurdities others would cry for. He once tried to inhale six packs of ramen just because Taehyung dared him to. I mentally chuckle at the memory. Think of Jungkook, I repeat to myself.  The same Jungkook that swears when playing Overwatch. The same Jungkook that pouts when he studies and frowns as he focuses so hard.

Jungkook would never slam his partner against the door, hands in their hair. He’d never command them to go down on their knees before him. He’s only been in long term relationships. The guy’s probably not even a fan of PDA.

Jungkook is soft around the edges, and shy and cute and definitely someone I’m not attracted to.

“Sure,” I breathe out, a smile tugging at my lips, “Let me see.”

 “So,” Jimin begins in a quiet whisper that has me wondering why he can’t speak out loud, “You want to bone your boss.”

I mentally scold the office policy and its daunting, cryptic suggestion to keep a semi-formal appearance. Which translates into high heels. I have to wear high heels. They would be heels – just heels, comfortable, classy, lovely heels – if only there wasn’t what Jungkook defines as height discrepancy. Which translates into I’m short. And it’s 2019. So short people are expected to be tall, in certain circumstances. Like office attire. Even though, to be honest, it’s also my fault. My fault for being so enamoured with the classy and charming – when I told him, Jungkook sneered so hard I thought he was seconds from combusting – clacking heels make on smooth floors.  

“That’s—” absurd, I want to say, but I settle with a mellow “—right.”

He’s not wrong. I am in the wrong, though. I open the front door of our apartment building, almost soulless.

“You can’t have feelings for your boss,” Jimin sighs, and I hear in the distance a vague shuffling of clothes. “You can’t be sexually attracted to your boss, either.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” I greet our neighbours with a nod — actually, neighbour. The landlord, who is now heading out — and, as soon as she leaves, I groan loudly. With cattiness, I push the elevator button, my forehead pressed onto the wall next to it.  

“We have to do something about it. This is not happening. And this clearly refers to you drooling over someone you can’t possibly have, for perfectly good reasons.”

“We?” I ask meekly, opening our place’s door. Jungkook’s not home yet, he’s got a late afternoon class that usually drains all his energies, which only means get in the shower before Jungkook does. Ergo, translation sponsored by the creator of the roommate language, thank you very much, the roommate who had to shower multiple times with cold, freezing water, in order to avoid such fucking loathsome situation, should enjoy her roommate’s absence. Especially since he wants all the hot water in the world for himself for the following half hour. Jungkook is caring just like that, yes. I am the luckiest gal in the world.

“Well, it’s not like we can handle you being all gross when talking about this guy’s dimples while sexually frustrated because, and I quote, he’s so fucking attractive.”

“I-I never said I was sexually frustrated, though?”

“Really,” he deadpans, “You did not. So, we didn’t go through a detailed erotic novel based on how you’d call him daddy despite you not wetting yourself at the thought of calling someone your daddy—or how you’d drop on your knees—”

“I think that’s enough, Chim.”

“Yeah,” he groans, “me fucking too.”

I ponder whether asking him what’s bothering him, because there’s clearly something I can’t quite picture troubling one of my best friends. Jimin is altogether the perfect comrade one needs in their life (he’s cool, he gives great advice, he listens, he’s always giving, which applies to a wide range of things, spacing from his shoulder to more practical, capitalistic things you didn’t even know you’d need) and the worst interlocutor one could ever have (he despises talking about his feelings, his thoughts, and never shares unless something huge happens). Jimin’s a solid seven, based on the results of the Kim Social Test. Tae had nodded his head, gravely, then wrote something on the papers he had been holding the whole time he questioned his soulmate.

How I wish I knew how to properly read people like Tae does. Jimin and I once planned to get him tipsy enough to sneak into his chaotic room for plenty of time, so that we’d discover the secret papers – the KST secret papers. Needless to say, we still know shit regarding Kim Taehyung’s enigmas. One day, Chim. One day we’ll discover all of the answers Taehyung hasn’t shared about the infamous twenty-seven steps test.

The moment I take off my shoes, though, something moving in my periphery catches my attention. Something white moving. Proper phrasing, Y/N. Namjoon expects better from you.

Someone… in white… moving?

Ten points to Gryffindor.

Wait.

It’s Jungkook.

My roommate. My shy roommate. Wet. Wearing just a white towel around his waist. Can people actually have a waist this tiny? And since when Jungkook has abs? What the fuck?

“’Min, I’ll call you back.”

“Oh,” Jungkook has seen me, moved in my direction and I shoot my gaze directly on his face. Not an inch below. Nope. I won’t stare at him. (Sure, the guy goes to the gym. The guy has muscles. But abs? Shit.) “When did you come back? I didn’t hear you coming in.”

Jungkook is handsome.

“Seconds ago. Really.”

He looks at me with a lopsided grin, hand rubbing at the nape of his neck. If he notices that my posture is somewhat frozen and my gaze won’t, incidentally, meet nothing but his, he doesn’t say anything, and I’m immensely grateful for that.

It just—struck me in a funny way, I guess. Not everyday you expect your almost naked roommate to greet you like this, coming back home. Nuh-uh. Especially not a roommate you didn’t realise had abs, thank you very much.

“When did you—uhm, when did you come back, though?”

“As soon as I heard my class was cancelled. I’ve been working on those fucking essays ever since, goddamnit. I needed a break, so I hit the shower enjoying your absence very much.” He shoots me a sardonic smile and, for a second, I’m tempted to hit him. But I don’t. He’s fucking naked. His skin is glistening because he’s still wet. He’s… he’s basically a whole adult now, and he still hasn’t learned how to properly use a towel.

Fucking fuck.

He’s wetting the kitchen floor.

Oh my god, get a grip, Y/N.

Eyes up.

“You were right, by the way,” he furrows his eyebrows, adjusting his towel with a hand and opening the fridge with the other, “I had to write them a long time ago. Procrastinating is fucking me up.”

I suppress my next thought as soon as it’s formed and carved into my brain. My heart is burning at how quickly this conversation could take a turn for the worst, so I spur, without thinking, “You’re fucking me up.”

Also known as the very, exact thought that my brain didn’t manage to stifle.  Which could mean a lot of things, really! Out of context, yes, it could seem like I meant that in a… sexual way? But in reality—of fucking course not! Have you seen me? Have you seen Jungkook?

Jungkook’s eyebrows raise so much I’m afraid they faded into his hairline. Flush creeps into my face, so I hasten to add: “I’m supposed to take a shower first, you know. I deserve the hot water too. This means you only won this round.”

He grips the fridge door tighter, takes his time licking his lips and—I stop following his movements when he chuckles, his laugh almost lost in the awkward silence I brought myself upon.

“Yeah, war’s still on, shortie.”

I gasp, a loud sound that has him vibrating against the fridge. I’m seconds away from touching his back and get a hold of his attention but I refrain from doing so because—because he’s showing so much skin, smooth skin that would feel like silk under the touch. I can only imagine how my thumbs’ pads would feel, running against his bare body.

Get a grip, Y/N.

“Excuse me? What did you just call me?”

“Mhm?” – he blinks, playing pretend – “What did I say?”

I hastily grab his banana milk from his hands, shoving it away from him and barely above my head.

“Come again, you coward.”

He now faces me, the tip of his tongue wetting his upper lip.

I fucked up, I realize, eyes widening.

I probably have three seconds to surrender before he’ll say or do something that will worsen the situation. The situation being his presence – his mostly naked presence – hurting me and making me flutter and thinking things and…

“You do have a chance of winning the shower game, baby…”

I’m fucked.

“But you lost this battle a long time ago.” his velvet voice whispers as his eyes dart into mine, falling into the darkness of my pupils.  

Jungkook grabs the banana milk bottle, his fingers brushing mine and burning me while I can only stare back, mouth agape. He spares a look at his hand making contact with mine, but it’s gone as soon as it begins, because he’s back to staring into my soul and past lives and future ones.

I’m fucked, period.

I gulp when his phone starts ringing and that catches his whole attention.

More so, I feel like I can breathe again.

Jungkook blinks a couple times, his doe eyes darting to where he placed his phone last and, in that moment, I realize that Jimin is right: we have to do something about it.

We need to do something about it as soon as possible.

 EXHIBIT D(enial)

Step twelve: what kind of relationship have you established with your person in question? Let yourself find out.

Jimin shakes his purple head from side to side, his thumb stuck in mid air as he stops scrolling down his phone.

“I just don’t understand,” he frowns, smacking his lips, “What am I supposed to tell you? You declined all my plans.”

If I didn’t know him better, I’d say he was whining, the sound loud and deafening, able to soften his features and make him look a lot younger and innocent.

“I know,” it’s my turn to whine and show despair, I now get to crumble under Jimin’s scrutiny. “But I don’t want to date. I don’t want to put myself under all that stress—constant anxiety, fear of not knowing what the other is thinking, undeniable concern because our schedules wouldn’t match… and,” I add, allowing myself to breathe, “I want it to happen casually. I don’t want to force a relationship. The last time I did this it turned out to be a complete failure.”

Jimin sighs, blocking his phone and throwing it away on the couch. Taehyung and Jimin’s flat is suffocating. Hence why we avoid hanging out together at their place—one could say it’s nice, it gives off a cosy vibe and, yeah, in a way I agree. But having to shove Tae’s clothes in order to enter home, cramming into a small place both the kitchen and living room and debating whether the tiny veranda can be considered a new room is too much. (And frankly, concerning. Once, Jimin went outside to fetch underwear. Yeah, underwear.) I’d rather live anywhere but here.

My mind likes to be a bitch, because in a hot second I’m picturing Jungkook doing the most domestic and unfathomable things, like… like, laundry. I see him crouching on his knees, an attentive look offered to his dark clothes only, forehead showing, and tiredness written all over his face. He always smells so good after taking care of his clothes, the detergent’s distinctive smell sticking to his skin for longer than necessary.

“And I don’t want hook-ups. Especially not with people of your choice.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll admit that Tae and I have tried one too many times to match you with… not good fits.”

“Not good fits is a fucking euphemism, Park.”

He snorts, a hand in his hair. “Sorry, sorry. I know. Still, that leaves us…” he pretends to look at a paper in his hands, expression contorted into a delusional one. “Masturbation. Rub one off in the good, old way. Should be fine for a week or two.”

Doctor Park earns a swift prod of my elbow against his thigh, and I’m rewarded with his high-pitched laugh.

“Fucking hell, Y/N, that hurt.”

“This whole conversation hurts, Jimin.” – I sigh, slouching on the couch – “I can’t believe I’m letting you help with this… problem.”

“My dear dramatic friend,” he starts, propping an elbow on a cushion, “you’re just horny. Frustrated. And I don’t know how to help you.”

“That reminds me, you useless purple-haired good-looking friend—”

“…That’s not an insult?”

“…is everything okay with you? I mean – you live with Taehyung, so clearly something is wrong with you, but I mean emotionally? You’ve been a little off these past few days.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” my smile is inevitable, “Oh.”

Did he really think people wouldn’t notice? Me, of all people, wouldn’t realize something is wrong from his behaviour?

“No, just—same old, I guess.”

“My Jimin translator is currently fucked up so I need you to repeat what you just said in an understandable way, Min.”

Scratch that, my Jimin translator has always had problems. If it had ever worked, I wouldn’t find myself here, knees brought up to my chest, struggling to hear Jimin talking about his feelings.

He passes a hand through his locks. “I’m holding up just fine? Studying, working, hooking up unlike you.”

“Don’t make it about me, jerk. What about the person you were with, when we talked on the phone yesterday?”

“What do you mean, the person I was with?”

The look on my face makes him groan, hands now covering his eyes. “What gave it away?”

“Happy post coital Jimin is very different from frustrated but not sexually Jimin, I’ll have you know.”

“I don’t even want to know, what the fuck.”

“But I do,” I plea, tugging at the end of his shirt, “Tell me what’s wrong, Min.”

The whining tone of my voice has to do the trick, I reckon, because he’s throwing his head back and hastily grabs a cushion to hold—or to suffocate himself with, I can’t tell.

“I’m sort of—getting over someone. It’s harder than I thought.”

Oh, Jimin.

I’m dramatic, okay? Jimin knows, Taehyung laughs because of this and Jungkook finds it amusing, too. Everybody knows. So, I developed several different scenarios – a wide range of possible things Jimin would share (finally) with me, but none of them resemble in the slightest the real thing. And it’s somewhat frightening.

“You don’t have to tell me… I didn’t know you even liked someone in the first place. Really, it’s okay. I thought it was something trivial like trying to survive in this place or a fight with Tae, I don’t know.”

This makes him smile. “No, it’s—it wasn’t an unrequited crush, you know? Only, things happened, and we stopped seeing each other. Turns out it’s difficult to get over him.”

A pause, the tip of his tongue wetting his plump lower lip. “Do we know him? Me and Taehyung, I mean?”

“It’s—complicated. But it’s not a big deal, really.”

“How can you say that? Your feelings are at stake and seeing you hurt haunts me.”

He bites the insides of his mouth, eyes glinting with disbelief. “You really are dumb and dramatic, what the fuck. I’ll get over him, don’t worry.”

He throws a cushion at me, while I stare him, eyes wide and mouth agape because of his reaction, calm and composed. As if it’s really not this big of a deal.

“If you really feel sad, though… buy me a drink. Or two. Or three. Until me suffering stops haunting you.”

The audacity of Park Jimin, ladies and gentlemen.

  [15.38] you: okay min

[15.38] you: you were right. i’m horny

[15.40] jimin: what else is new bb. What did he do this time

[15.41] you: bold of you to assume he did anything in the first place. But no. he didn’t do anything

[15.41] you: Beside getting a terrible haircut. I hate it. I kinda wanna punch namjoon in the face for this, and not in the kinky way

[15.43] jimin: Is there a kinky way to punch someone? Maybe you meant spitting in his mouth? On his dick? I’ll stop with these bc I don’t want you to get worked up over my texts

[15.43] you: shut up

[15.43] you: anyway one of his friends passed by. Red hair. Mouth hearth shaped. Adonis body. 10/10 would bang or kiss or hold his hand

[15.43] you: 15/10 would prefer the banging. Anyway, I don’t have a crush on namjoon, I’m just in need of a good dicking

[15.46] jimin: I’m screenshotting this and sending it to taetae

[15.46] you: blocked and reported

[15.46] jimin: you’re my dick deprived friend and I love you. Taetae says he’s not up for dicking you good because he’s in love with a girl that is about to blow him, sorry don’t be mad I don’t make the rules

[15.48] you: what the fuck did I just read

[15.48] jimin: just say you love me and you’ll go out with us tonight. Let’s partayyyy. I’ll help you find someone to go down on you, trust me

[15.49] you: what the fuck did I just read, the reprise

[15.51] jimin: no ok ok ok. Seriously. Go out with us. Me, tae and guk. We made plans a couple of days ago. Come with us. If you’re not up for a hook up you can just loosen up a bit and have fun with us. I promise

[15.52] jimin: please

[15.54] you: I’m in

***

One thing Jungkook doesn’t notice about me straight away is the feeling of uneasiness and worry that creeps up my face.

Jungkook’s curious, mostly alcohol-hazed, look scurries away before meeting my eyes: he checks me out (I wish I didn’t have to say this—but one has to come to terms with this admission after being looked at with dark, hooded eyes for a good five minutes), tilts his head in what I assume it’s his flirting expression, comments on the dark, sometimes transparent dress Taehyung bought me online and clicks his tongue in a mocking way, when said Taehyung hits him with a can of cheap beer and a couple of dirty jokes.

I would like to wrap Taehyung like a burrito with a warm, inviting plaid instead of having him dragging us all in a packed bar, for the simple and yet abhorrent (to him, of course) reason that he’s shit at pregaming. To be completely honest, he’s shit at drinking. Can’t hold his liquor if his life depended on it. Jimin blocks his phone and groans loudly, then proceeds in wrapping his arm around Tae’s waist and escorting him outside our apartment, murmuring a regretful “I’m doing this because I need it, you shithead. Don’t make me regret I came with you.”

I chuckle, amused by the two.

It’s only seconds later that my wrist is playfully grabbed by one clearly upset Jungkook. He blinks, twice, before wetting his chapped lips. I shoot him a questioning look that I hope doesn’t feel like I’m in need to get away from him because I’m being weirded out by his behaviour.

“I didn’t know you were coming with us.” he says, even though it sounds like a realization he wrongly pronounced out loud.

“Am I gonna be a problem for you?”

His doe eyes widen at that, but he’s quick to reassure, voice steadier: “Of course not.” He furrows his eyebrows, “I just meant…” A shrug. “I thought you didn’t do this.”

“What? Hanging out with my friends?”

He’s smiling an empty smile how, lips twisting into a crude exhibit of disorientation, like he doesn’t know how to answer that.

“Right.” He nods, stopping holding my wrist. “A friends’ night out.”

He steals a glance at me, short, devoid of emotion, before grabbing his jacket and following Jimin and Tae.

‘Right?’ I’m not—I’m not interrupting a guys’ night. I am not imposing. I can be pedant and dramatic and clingy to Jimin when drunk (remember the Incident with the former roommates of mine? Or better—don’t. I don’t wanna reminisce those moments. Just acknowledge that Drunk Me can turn into a cuddly, clingy friend) but I’m sure as fuck not imposing. God. I’m not.

As I play with the short cuticles on my middle finger, I gnaw at the inside of my mouth.

It’s funny how I am the one wondering ‘Right?; it’s in moments like this that I want nothing but to shove Jungkook against a plain, stone cold surface and ask him to talk to me. This crumbling show resembles so much the Mina Thing that I am feeling uncomfortable even asking. I thought that having a roommate meant gaining a friend; now I say: maybe. It depends. I guess that sharing a house with someone means you’re bound to come into contact with this other person, and there are times when this connection turns into something deeper, like friendship. Still, it’s not the usual friendship path, so you have to be careful and make sacrifices along the way. Right now, the sacrifice I’m making is taming my – how did Jimin call it, once? Mom-friend attitude?

Tone it down, Y/N.

Especially since I know I am not nurturing the boys into spending time with me and showering me with attention.

I sigh.

The question that fails to be answered is only one…

What’s gotten into Jungkook?

***

“Plan for the night,” Taehyung smirks, hands in his now longer hair, “I’m getting wasted.”

“Very mature,” Jimin snorts.

“You’d be too, if the fuck of your life didn’t call you back.”

“Oh my god,” I groan, “It happened a long time ago. I remember I was still wondering whether asking your roommate to wash up was decent human being behaviour or not.”

“Or not.” Tae blinks, hands in his pockets, “You once told me, too. You were rude.”

“You threw up on me!” Jungkook chuckles. “Besides, it was freshmen’s week.”

Jimin nods. “Banging on freshmen’s week doesn’t count.”

“Especially if that’s a grad student sorry excuse to get wasted.”

“She is a hot grad student, thank you very much.” – Taehyung moves into the crowd stalled at the entrance and points towards the bar – “You’re gonna find me right there until the love of my life comes back.”

“She won’t—”

“Don’t ruin it, shortie.”

The audacity. “Have you ever considered that, perhaps, you weren’t the fuck of her life, instead?”

“Way to hound me, woman.”

Jimin shakes his head and pushes his soulmate out of the way. “Grab me a drink while you’re there.”

“Make it three!” my voice follows him, now definitely swallowed by the crowd.

The place is packed. Tae mentioned the location being renewed over the past week, but I hadn’t given him much thought. (I still remember the ruin pub tour in Budapest, for god’s sake. A tip for the future: never let Taehyung plan your holidays. No matter how much promising his ideas look) and I must admit that I like the new touch.

My gazing the surroundings is hastily interrupted by a now awaiting Jeon Jungkook: he looks at me with an arching eyebrow, his lower lip enveloping his upper one.

“What?”

“Again, what do you want?”

Knowing who pissed in your Cheerios?

“I,” I shrug, “What do you mean?”

“Grab her a Long Island, Guk,” Jimin’s voice cuts in between our bodies, “I take whatever Tae’s having.”

Right. The drink. Of course.

Jungkook disappears before stealing a glance at the both of us, a je ne sais quoi of unsaid still clear between us.

“I hate to ask. You know I do.” Jimin’s fingertips brush against the leather of my jacket. “But… is something off? Between you two?”

The soft indie music that welcomed us when we got in slowly turns into a more upbeat, loud mix of sounds and I spot in Min’s eyes the need to go dancing. I instantly remember that this night it’s for him as much as it is for me.

“No, Min.” I shake my head along to my words, a quick smile on my lips. “You don’t have to worry.”

“Better not, shortie.”

Dancing is a harder activity to excel at, especially when you’re not Jimin nor you haven’t got Taehyung’s confidence, somehow perfectly balanced by his carelessness – he doesn’t give a fuck about judgements and stares and what-not, and this freedom only fuels him. I find myself juggling between being either of them or, well, striving to channel either of them into my limbs and inner self.

It’s all about matter of attitude, in the end.

This matter of personality traits you-can’t-quite-inherit-unless-you’re-the-soulmates-themselves corners me in a delightful position: I’m very close to dancing without restraints in the middle of this place, still placing a decent amount of attention on the music itself and the crowd that has managed to swallow me whole in the past half hour.

I’m exhausted.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s insanely freely to disinhibit myself and let go, every once in a while, but I feel as if there are matters yet to be discussed that stop me from giving one hundred percent myself out on the dancefloor, as Jimin called it.

These disturbing matters present themselves right on my side in the form of one very attentive yet not-so-sober Jeon Jungkook, when I shake my head and decide to buy myself another drink.

His bouncy, fluffy hair is sticking in every unfathomable direction when his gaze crosses mine, and I don’t further inquire his state, despite my expression probably giving my thoughts away. He cocks his head, licking his lips.

“What’s up?”

That definitely sounded like a staggered what’s wrong? Where did I fuck up?

I cross my arms and place them on the mahogany counter, shrugging my shoulders.

“This place is starting to stink.”

“Well,” he mulls, a finger in his freshly formed curls. “I hope you weren’t expecting flowers and, fuck, I don’t know? Soap? Ginger ale?”

“Damn, there you go crashing my hopes and dreams.”

“Jeon Jungkook, professional heartbreaker at your service.”

I scrunch my nose. “Be more creative, c’mon.”

“International playboy?”

“I was thinking more of laundry fairy, though? Or black clothes enthusiast?”

He stares at me with an uncanny expression, blinking twice. He then shakes his head, the tip of his tongue poking out, his hands moving with emphasis in a c’mere, I just wanna talk gesture.

“You take it back,” he says, unable to hold back a laugh, “Take it back now.”

“You’re a fucking menace, is what you are.”

Jungkook chuckles while placing his elbow on my shoulders, enhancing his tall person privileges. “It’s still early, you know,” he mutters after a while, waiting for me to order before talking.

“For what?”

“Jimin said he promised to get you a hook-up,” he explains, eyes on the people still dancing in front of us. His voice is softer when he speaks next, and I find myself unable to look away from his profile even though he’s not even glancing in my direction. “It’s still early, you have all the time in the world.”

Oh.

Funnily enough, I had almost given up on the quest. I just assumed Jimin and I were living knowing the second part of our deal was taking place right around us, ergo us just having fun. Brushing aside the stress of the past few days.

Jungkook thinks I’m here to get laid? For fuck’s sake. My face heats up at just the thought.

“I’m not that desperate, Guk.”

“I know this.” He takes a strand of my hair between his calloused fingers. “I’m just saying… there’s nothing stopping you.”

“Stopping me?”

He’s so close his laugh resonates against my side, his little smile not disappearing from his lips.

“Fishing for compliments, huh?”

He chooses the moment I frown not so delicately to turn around and look at me. “Am not.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” he sighs, turning me around and placing an arm around my shoulders. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Oh.

How to survive from getting compliments by the one and only Jeon Jungkook, an autobiography by yours truly.

I can vaguely feel my fingers trembling.

“That doesn’t sound very convincing,” I retort, putting up the bravest smile I could muster up. “Try again.”

He hums, closing dangerously the distance between our bodies. I am flushed. Tingling. Burning. His breath is nudging my ear, his fingers playfully tapping my shoulder.

“Let me rephrase this, then,” a pause, “You could get anyone here.”

I follow his stare into the crowd, a bubbly, commercial song now playing. His deep, soft voice continues, “Literally anyone. From that guy on our left that has been staring at you for the past half hour to the girl on your right with the black straw in her mouth.”

As my eyes catch a glimpse of the people he’s mentioned, a vivid, powerful weight drops in my stomach. I swallow, frowning slightly. I just. I just don’t want them. I don’t want random people. I don’t want casual anymore. I’m throwing myself toward a better goal, a blazing direction, an ardent feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something that resembles a stable relationship. Domesticity. Tenderness. Urgency. Passion. The whole package, I can practically hear Jimin shouting. I want…

My mind must love playing tricks on me, because suddenly I’m surrounded by muffled sounds and I can only think: Jungkook. This one right here. This warm body next to mine. This kind soul.

The bubble bursts as rapidly as it had grown around me in the first place.

This Jungkook with a girlfriend. This taken man. This body that is used to warm up another girl’s sheets.

I fight the instinct to cry.

“Not interested in anyone, sorry.”

Jungkook’s tone is crushed when he speaks next, but I don’t care. I don’t even want to know why. It doesn’t even matter. I don’t want to think about it.

“Right.”

I grab the freezing drink with one hand, the other in my hair.

The cold feeling against my skin sends a shiver down my spine and I can’t help but feel as if that’s the only ending I’m getting. The only road I’m supposed to enter—the average one, the ordinary, already paved, already walked on by thousands before me.

The only time I’m thinking seriously about someone it’s—it’s about a taken one. Well played, Y/N. Good fucking job.

“See you at home?”

It wasn’t supposed to be a question, but who cares, right? I’m leaving Jungkook’s periphery before he can even form a decent answer.

Turns out I can channel one of the soulmates, in the end. It’s Jimin. It’s what the purple haired friend always does when his feelings are at stake. When he puts his defences up and plays around like me and Tae can’t fucking see he’s hurt.

I’m making sure feelings can’t get to me.

***

“Y/N? Hey, what’s wrong?”

Yoongi’s alarmed tone is the only clear sound I can properly hear. I giggle uncontrollably, hand covering my mouth.

“Ooops. Wrong number.”

My back slides against the wall, and I sigh as I sit down on the bathroom floor.

I don’t know what prompted me hiding in here.

I don’t—I didn’t think this through. Properly. I’ve never aced hide and seek, as a kid.

“Don’t worry… are you—are you alright?”

I gulp. “Yep. Yup. Positive, sir.” Now I’m hiccupping like someone who can’t hold his liquor. Someone I’m not. Taehyung in his purest form.

“Y/N,” Yoongi’s voice reverberates in my ear, “Have you been drinking?”

God. Why on earth am I on the phone with him?

“I don’t know, you’re the one who called me.” I said that out loud? Oh, shit. I burst into a fit of giggles, once again. This is so embarrassing. “Are you alone? Is Jungkook with you?”

“No, god. No.”

“Is Jimin with you, then?”

“Dunno. Might be outside the women’s bathroom. Might not.”

Have been here for the past twenty minutes, looking far worse than I sound, of course I don’t know. The freezing tiles melt me and my first instinct – my primal reaction to this unexpected, rude cold is staring at the ceiling. Not batting an eye. Throwing my head back on the wall, hoping the goose bumps will fade in seconds. Hoping the childish, irrational tears won’t wet my cheeks.

I hate this state of raw, sick vulnerability. I hate knowing it doesn’t go away with a snap of fingers, with the silent, hushed promise to myself that I’ll do better next time, I’ll take care of myself in such a good way this will only feel like a bad dream. A short-lived nightmare.

“Can you reach him? Please?”

It’s a sequence of blurs, then – getting on my feet, meeting Jimin’s worried eyes, brushing away Taehyung’s confused, warm hand. Jimin nodding, grabbing his jacket, scanning quickly the room. The buzz dissipates around me, numbing me to the point that I don’t recall going home, in the end. Neither Jimin’s precious care nor the quiet sobs that don’t stop.

Nothing but an unexpected text, bright and deadly, blurred with tears for me and myself only.

[01.26] jungkook: staying at mina’s tonight.

 EXHIBIT E

Step fifteen: when in doubt, ask for a rematch. Challenge your opponent. Scoot closer. Drop the formalities. Let that stake be higher.

I’ve been through worse.

I’ve literally shoved my fingers down Jimin’s throat so he could throw up. I’ve studied the wrong assignment more than once. Once, I only ate birthday cakes for a week. Emphasis on cakes.

Harbouring silly, illogical crushes for someone doesn’t even make the top ten list. When you’ve known Taehyung and Jimin for longer than five years, you know it doesn’t even make the top twenty stupid things you regret doing in your life chart.  

That’s why it doesn’t matter—okay, Jungkook looks good wearing black. Passing his hand through his messy locks, therefore showing his forehead. Making eye contact when he talks (that has lately turned into a reason why I’ve been blushing more around him, for Christ’s sake).

So what? It happens. It happens when people are cute. And smart. And funny.

“Morning,” Jungkook mumbles, voice drowsy and thick with sleep.

I’m thrown away by his appearance, which can only confirm the fact that he didn’t spend the night here, at home, his bedroom next to mine. He’s slouched on the couch, eyes still closed, his thick eyelashes catching my attention.

I try not to focus on the feeling in my belly, a weight in the pit of my stomach that dropped when I got his text last night and hasn’t disappeared ever since. He’s got a girlfriend and I have no right whatsoever to feel saddened by this crucial statement. Honestly, a part of me feels guilty because it’s nothing I didn’t know before yesterday. Does it make me mad, knowing that his girlfriend has been away from him for so long? That, while he pushed her away because he needed space, feelings for him started spurring in my stomach and mind and every limb of mine? Yes. Yes, ten thousand times yes. But—what can I do about them? I’m so used to dealing with feelings on my own – how many crushes did I suppress because my feelings were unrequited? I lost count – that it shouldn’t even surprise me. Yet here I am, yet here my last shred of hope flees away. I’m delusional. I’d laugh, out loud, dry, not at all sympathetic if only Jungkook wasn’t here.

As I bit the insides of my mouth, I can only hum in response, not gathering the strength to form a proper greeting.

“Tired?”, Jungkook asks as he starts playing with the rings on his fingers. I turn around, facing the kitchen counter and the mug I’ve just grabbed.

Tired doesn’t even begin describing what the fuck I’m feeling.

“Yeah.”

It’s all I can muster up.

“Mhm.”

I can hear a vague shuffling of clothes – he must be standing up, stretching his limbs, suppressing a groan. Only a glance. I spare only a glance at his tired figure that disappears from my periphery.

That’s how Jungkook retreats in his room.

I never hated Saturday mornings as much as I do now.

***

Maybe that was an idiotic hyperbole. Because, my internal voice almost stutters, this is what sucks. This is what I hate: a whole week (a whole ten days) without Jungkook. Scratch that. A whole ten days with Jungkook in it and my usual Jungkook missing from my life altogether.

He scraps his neck, doesn’t meet my eyes, doesn’t stay in the same room as me anymore. Which is understandable. I’m a rational human being, not at all baffled by emotions of any kind, of course, so I get it. An inclination of sorts erupted between us during that night out and it unequivocally brought to surface my limits (read: my feelings) and his desire to stray as further as possible away from me. I get that. I would have flirted with him and said things to him if the girlfriend package didn’t cross my mind. I have feelings and a deep, vivid imagination to support said to-be-neglected feelings and Jungkook must have sensed that. Must have had an epiphany somewhere in between this horrific, awkward week without me.

Makes sense! It’s alright! I can manage without him.

It’s the only right turn of things, after all.

As I hold the key in my hand and open the apartment’s door with a sigh, the stillness of the living room hits me at once. I don’t know whether blaming the shredded, dying light of the day breezing past the sunblinds or the overbearing tidiness of the stuff in the room. Just a glance towards the awfully tidy space, crammed with magazines precisely positioned on the coffee table, the couch, unused for days, taking up too much space, and the TV turned off since the beginning of the week… makes my stomach drop.

I’m suddenly burned out, feeling the weight of a never-ending week of work and innumerable talks with my mind crashing on me and trapping my chest. I let out a drawn out, exhausted breath, feeling for the first time in a long time like a guest just waiting to go back home.

A black mop of hair distracts me from this dying scenery, and I meet for the first time in too many days Jungkook’s big, doe eyes.

“Hi,” he puffs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Hungry?”

He’s standing with his fingers interlaced and a white tee too big for his figure that’s swallowing him fully. I can’t help but steal a glance at his bouncy, almost curly hair that look so, so incredibly soft at the touch.

“No,” I shake my head, voice low, already taking a step forward my room. “I’ve got a huge load of paperwork to do before tomorrow.”

He nods, and my heart breaks just a little because having dinner together was a thing I got used to too fast for my liking. There was something about his jokes and disparate comments on whatever show we were binging. Or about the soft chuckles he let out, the way he relaxed against the couch and, when it became too late, made sure to wake me up with that husky voice of his when I fell asleep on my end of the couch.

Upper lip between my tooth, I decide against standing like a fool in front of him when he made it extremely clear, in the past ten days, that doesn’t really want me around. Which is—hurting me, but I guess there are things I can’t control in life. One of them being his friend, right now.

As I retreat in my room, I feel so terribly stupid, without any doubt crushing once again on the wrong person.

***

Thursday morning finds me padding softly through my room, reaching the kitchen with my eyes half closed and hair purposely sticking in multiple directions to make me look like a mess in front of my roommate, because, of course. Jungkook’s in the kitchen.

It feels like a nightmare. One where I’m supposed to bump into Jungkook in the worst of times, looking desperate while he’s the very definition of boyfriend material. And I’m internally screaming. And dying, of fucking course.

He’s on the phone, humming at his interlocutor while tracing patterns on his thigh, his little dimple on full display.

“Hyung, no—”

He groans, and I can’t help but chuckle softly at the scene, his dark locks in his eyes. “I don’t know if… I mean, I hope we can make it…”

Jungkook turns fully around and faces me, his mouth agape and eyes wide, still able to melt me into a puddle of softness and quick heartbeats. I stare back like a stupid, crushing human being while I flush and he mouths a silent “morning” that steals a smile from me, anyway.

I can practically hear Jimin whispering whipped on repeat in my head and the implication alone makes my heart flutter.

(Maybe so, Park)

He stays like that in front of me, not moving, not even an inch, focusing his morbid eyes into my messy hair and brushing gently the tangles out. I freeze, unable to do something that’s not burning under his caring touch and pretending I’m not about to reveal my deep, inexcusable, unrequited crush to him.

I’m guilty once again—observing for a fraction of a second his lips, soft because of the melon lipbalm he insists on buying and when I look up, his eyes, ablaze, lock on mine and I believe there’s something resembling a flicker in them—a fervent flame shattering its surroundings.

“I’ll call you back, hyung. Yeah, yes, I know.”

As he places his phone down, he rasps, “Yoongi hyung is back. Just… just for a few days, though.” He hesitates, eyes still fixated on my bed head. “He invited me to his friends’ night out. Invited us, I mean. It’s nothing more than him pretending to be annoyed by us and being a good hyung, nonetheless. You know,” he furrows his eyebrows, “He’ll tell us we can’t hold our liquor then will buy us drinks and food. He’s gonna watch us eating like we’ve never had that much food in our lives and smile like an idiot at us bickering. It’s always the same with him. So,” he shrugs, his eyes darting to find mine, a bit insecure, “Are you free tonight?”

I blame the whole boyfriend attire. The softness of his request, the gentleness of his touch, his big eyes, my deep desire to feel a part of his life once again. Just for a night. Like the old times. Like we’d never put these barriers in between us. I want it so bad, even if it’s just for delusional fractions of a single, ordinary day.

“Yeah,” I whisper back, barely nodding, “Yeah, I’m in.”

 EXHIBIT F(ucking finally, kid)

“Okay, so, you’re being paid for doing something you love?” Taehyung look absolutely gobsmacked by the idea that in this alternate universe there’s someone being paid for that exactly. “Hyung, it seems fake. Are you sure you’re being paid? Like, have you actually checked your bank account? Counted the money? Got that bread?”

“Oh my god,” Jimin whispers to himself, grabbing Taehyung’s hand and shoving him back. “You can’t ask people that, Tae.”

The soulmates glance at each-other, and Yoongi exhales a soft chuckle. “Yeah, I did. Had to buy Jin-hyung a Yankee candle as a thanks for the airport ride.” He looks at the eldest now, a frown and a pout adorning his face, “That shit costs a fucking fortune, though.”

“Not my fault my nose is delicate. I’m allergic to most things, you should know by now.”

“Most things?” Jungkook asks, confused. “I only knew of pollen?”

“Cheapness, kid. The acrid smell of an Ikea fruity candle. Yoongi’s crappy softener.”

Yoongi quite literally stabs Seokjin with his icy stare. “When did you smell my softener?”

“It’s lavender,” Jimin nods, solemnly. “It’s not bad.”

Before I can ask wait, how the fuck did you know that?, Yoongi shakes his head and comments on something twenty-one years old Seokjin did, once upon a time, that earns him a pout and a high-pitched reply by the eldest. I’d focus on how close the two – Jimin and Yoongi, of course - are, sitting with their shoulders almost brushing and thighs just inches separated, but I decide against it when I notice the way Yoongi smiles – all gums, all eyes turned into crescents – when Jimin throws his head back and laughs openly, clasping his hands together.

Oh, my mind offers, and I bite back a smile.

When Jungkook had told me about this night out, I didn’t imagine this scenario. This well outlined scenario with the bright cameo of Jimin and Taehyung, also known by anyone but me, thank you very much, as Yoongi’s friends. Or, well – acquaintances. At least on Tae and Yoongi’s part.

I fill my glass with water, eyeing the close two – Yoongi and Jimin – with sharp eyes, enjoying the calm aesthetic of this place, promptly suggested by a very euphoric Seokjin. (“It’s my brother’s restaurant,” he had explained, pride in his eyes, “I’m almost offended to hear you didn’t give it a try yet, but I’ll forgive you because you’ve put up with Jungkook for longer than I expected you to.” He smiled a proud, dad smile, all soft and bright, and before I could ask him to explain what he meant – or tilting questioningly my head, Jungkook had complained, loudly, a whine on his easy pout, “I’m hungry. Can we go in?”)

Turns out that we, yes, can go in, but, to Jungkook’s great dismay, we’re waiting for the last two friends to arrive. Jungkook has gone quiet beside me, his rings-filled fingers tapping a melody only he knows on the edge of table. I eye him for a second – a second that turns into two or three, definitely intrusive, because he snaps out of his hazed state and looks back, orbs all inquiring and able to make me burn under his scrutiny.

“I thought you’d be moping by now,” Seokjin begins, pointing his chin at Jungkook, a hand on the back of his neck. “You know, about…”

“His sorry relationship?”

Seokjin sneers at Yoongi’s remark. “More about that… all of that ended.”

“It ended a long time ago, though.” My roommate replies, while it’s my turn to become quiet and process the words I’m hearing. Does this mean what I think it means?

I swallow.

“Hyung,” Guk says, his voice barely louder than a whisper, “You know it had to be done. Wasn’t fair for either of us. Hasn’t been for god knows how long.”

“Wait,” Taehyung snaps, the bestest of friends, “You broke up?”

“No, wait,” Jimin says, a hand covering Taehyung’s, frozen in mid-air, “You were dating?”

Seokjin snorts, then shakes his head and goes for the first alcohol bottle on the table. Mood. Fucking mood. I’d grab that bottle or snatch it from his hands myself if I weren’t completely in a desperate, freaking out mode. My mind’s running towards ends and assumptions I don’t even want to hear, for my own sake, while my heartbeat is too fast paced for a chill, night out with friends. Friends only.

Oh, god. I wish Jungkook wasn’t smart and quick-witted. I’m so hoping he doesn’t connect the dots. I don’t want him to pick up the pieces and end the whole puzzle, so that he sees beyond the longing gazes and words and touches—or lack thereof and… gets it. Gets that my crush is insurmountable. And that it broadens itself like oil, dense and clear and unavoidable.

“Fuck off,” Jungkook smiles, then shakes his head as if to shrug off his shoulders this whole conversation. “You’re both being rude.”

“Hey, I’m not!” Tae replies curtly, “I just wanted to know if I can finally tell you how idiotic our last conversations have been! You know, all those ‘hyung, I need an advice’, ‘what if she—'”

“Shut up.”

“Okay, so what about the hideous ‘I jerked off to—'’

“For fuck’s sake.”

A napkin has been thrown in Tae’s direction.

“Nice touch” I say, because I’m an idiot that only points out the most useless thing out of this whole thing – fucking hell, this gigantic conversation slash vase of Pandora.

“Glad to know Jungkook’s still a brat,” a loud, chirpy voice to our left says. Remember when I said I didn’t picture the scenario like this? Well, scratch that. It turns out I didn’t picture the scenario at all if I’m being graced with Namjoon and Red hair. Mouth hearth shaped. Adonis body. 10/10 would bang or kiss or hold his hand himself. Oh my god.

What fucked up scenario is this?

What drama am I on?

“What the fuck.” That’s Namjoon’s greeting. I would snarl, but that would ruin my shocked expression. “What the fuck.” He repeats, blinking.

My boss, y’all.

What fine elegance. What charming behaviour. What snarky attitude. You wouldn’t believe that he is an editor, writer wannabe with that cool lexicon of his. His gentle manners, his perfect choice of words.

“Y/N? Why are you here?”

“Wait,” 10/10 would bang or kiss or hold his hand says, pointing fingers and retreating them soon after that, adjusting his shirt’s buttons. “Do we know you?”

“Kind of,” I say, offering a hand to him in greeting. “I’m Y/N.”

“Jungkook’s roommate? Wait—” 10/10 pauses, eyes wide, “Namjoon’s terrible intern?”

“I’m not that terrible, c’mon—”

“—you’re Namjoon?” Jimin almost shrieks, while 10/10, in the same, terrified tone asks: “Namjoon’s terrible intern is Jungkook’s roommate?”

As Jungkook casually throws his arm around my shoulders – most specifically, on the edge of my seat, I think, flushed, crushing, that this is the story of how I meet best friends Namjoon and Hoseok, number one Yoonmin stans, lukewarm coffee enthusiasts, great friends of Jungkook.

(He’d whisper to me, half an hour later, voice husky, “I didn’t know my Namjoon was your Namjoon.”

Then, Jimin would squeal, muttering to himself, “That Namjoon?”, ignoring Yoongi’s curious stare.)

***

Jungkook has broken up with his girlfriend.

Which means that he’s, now, single. Girlfriend-less. No girlfriend package. When I think of him, from now on, I’ll only be picturing a single, tall, package. Handsome, clearly. Good. Warm. All smiling and friendly. Caring.

“Have I seen you somewhere else, though?” Hoseok asks, eyebrow furrowed, while Jungkook stops eating and joins him in a collective scrutiny directed to me. This Jungkook is… just him. No relationships involved. No girlfriend. No love interests. No love interest?

It’s seconds later that I realize I didn’t answer Hoseok’s question, so I shrug my shoulders. “Work, maybe?”

My feeble, yet vivid and convincing hope has to die down. Because… Because what gives me the right to think he’ll want to jump off into another relationship? What makes me think he’ll like me? He’ll want a relationship with me?

Taehyung snaps his fingers right in front of Jimin’s face. “Screenshoot guy? 10/10?”

This is insane. I can’t believe I risked thinking I could make a move. Me, a shy coward. I can’t even fathom into thoughts – into words – the desire to laugh out loud at myself that I feel.

Idiotic. Truly idiotic.

“Yeah, Sherlock,” Jimin says, mocking, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “Took you long enough.”

I send him back a tentative smile, that earns Hoseok’s genuine confused expression. Then I sigh, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, not noticing a pair of eyes following my actions. Not until he scoops closer and props his elbow on the edge of my seat, eyes covered with worry.

“You okay?”

It’s in these moments that I find myself wondering– what if I’m just imagining things? Just projecting? Just putting myself in the worst possible, imaginable scenario?

What if there’s more behind Jungkook’s care?

Right in front of me there are his soft lips, stuck in a pout, and I urge myself to lift up my gaze and meet his comforting eyes. “Yeah,” I nod, “Yeah.”

Jungkook’s hand then meets the back of my neck, brushing against it with a gentleness so sudden it almost makes me tear up. “Okay,” he murmurs, voice a tad louder than a hushed whisper.

The burden of my worries, as well as the unbearable weight of my thoughts, flutter away like a wave with his tiny, barely noticeable gesture and I find myself burning with affection for this soft, quiet boy.

***

“You’re drunk”

“I’m hardly drunk. I’ve sobered up,” sounding almost offended, he raises his hands on either side of his head, as if he was proving his innocence, “Would a drunk guy be able to sing a song of your choice without fucking up? Just say the name, I’ll prove it to you.”

(The chill, quiet night around us reminds me once again that right now it’s only the two of us. We said goodbye to the other guys ten minutes ago, each of us going in a different direction – ours is towards Jungkook’s car – and… I can’t help but recall Jimin’s fingers brushing Yoongi’s slender ones, crooked and willing to wrap around the younger ones. My heart. My poor heart is bursting with hope and fondness.)

Jungkook leans closer, eyes fixated on my face, causing heat to colour my cheeks. He doesn’t seem fazed by my lack of answer. My gaze moves from his exposed collarbones up to his doe eyes, eventually meeting his comforting but never questioning stare. He’s here, quiet, his presence never imposing, yet dominant.

He comes impossibly closer, chest brushing mine, a tentative hand gently caressing my jaw. I suck in a breath. His presence is numbing; the mere tracing patterns on the juncture between my face and neck is—is overwhelming. Too much.

I flush, inevitably, head ducking.

“Eyes on me,” he blinks, voice lower. “I want to…” his voice falters, just as a short circuit takes over my whole brain: his intoxicating closeness, his eyes on my lips… God.

Terribly close, yet so, so—

He doesn’t even see me exhale, nor wet my lips—my mouth meets his before my thoughts start making sense.  Jungkook shudders at my lips pressing against his, gasping, mouth parting.

He presses his mouth harder on mine, flushing his body against my own, his slender fingers at the nape of my neck.

God.

I pull him closer, so tight I let out a whine that allows him to explore my mouth, tongue demanding, hands clutching at either side of my neck.

Moaning drives him mad, makes the kiss hungrier and more urgent and I’m suddenly gasping for air, tugging at the end of his hair, pulling him to me.

This riles him up—one hand strokes my cheek, gently, as opposed to the licking of his tongue, definitely different from the digging of his fingers at the small of my back.

He draws out his name from my mouth so gently that, for a moment, I think I didn’t speak at all.

“I want you,” he mutters, eyes shut and mouth indefinitely close to mine. “Want you so bad”

“Car,” he kisses me again, “your car, Guk.”

The next actions are a blurred mess (his hand finding mine, our fingers intertwined, my body pushed between the door of his car and Jungkook’s toned torso) but also have me collapsing against Jungkook, his heat pressed against mine.

God.

“Fuck,” he takes a breath, “you’re gorgeous.”

His hands tentatively roam on my hips, descend onto my thighs, grip them, all of this while I lose myself again in his kisses.

“Shit, baby”

Jungkook’s patience runs out when he feels my pebbled nipples against his chest, because he tugs at the end of my thin sweater, then kisses me harder, and I feel him everywhere, when he grips my ass, when he grinds himself against my center, drawing a long moan out of me.

Jungkook is intoxicating.

He draws my breath right out of my lungs, fingers teasing, grinding once again against me.

“Jungkook, fuck”

I whimper, he chuckles. The glorious, idiotic kisser trails pecks all over my neck, sucking on a sweet spot beside my ear.

“Guk, please…”

I don’t know what I’m whining for, but it’s enough for him to smile and close the distance between our mouths once again, savouring me slowly, in a wet, calculated kiss.

Just as my pulsating heat meets his in another tentative grind, Jungkook’s phone brightens the calm darkness of the car.

Oh.

He takes it out, swearing.

I wish I was groaning for other reasons. Sweet, good reasons. Like Jungkook pushing my legs apart, settling between them, lowering to—

“What the fuck do you want, Tae?”

As I listen to my best friend’s voice through the phone, I push myself off Jungkook’s warm body, sliding onto the passenger’s seat, legs crossed.

God.

He looks at me with a questioning look, eyebrows furrowed, and face flushed. His lips are wet from the ministration of my hungry kisses and I instinctively bite mine.

Don’t think about Jungkook’s eating you out, don’t think about Jungkook’s eating you—

“No, we were–we were going home. Yeah, that can do. Don’t worry, give us a minute”

He sighs loudly when the call ends, throwing his head back.

The sight’s almost comical.

“I swear, I didn’t mean to answer. It’s just–the phone was vibrating against my dick and you, too, were very close to my dick and I- “

I interrupt him with a kiss. He melts into it instantly.

“One more,” he hums, “before turning up the engine? Please?”

I erupt into a quiet laugh, obliging.

(What am I gonna do, say no?)

“In case it wasn’t clear,” he rasps, eyes on the road to pick Tae up as he has probably now realised he’d been left all alone without a ride back, “I like you. Have been since managed to eat half a cake in a sitting. Or since you fell asleep on me while watching Princess Mononoke. Which, incidentally, I don’t condone.”

I hold in my breath. “Yeah?”

He waits, then offers his palm to me, “Yeah.”

I intertwine our fingers.

It’s all quiet. It’s all silent. Yet, all warm. A graceful wordless full minute that warms my heart and makes me think this is not real. This is not possible. I think, my mind says, hazed, replaying Jungkook’s kiss once or twice or thrice, this is not really happening.

Oh god. I point with my chin at the next stop. “Pull out for a minute. Just a minute.”

“Something’s wrong?”

When he does, I feel my body aching for him, alive, burning. I can’t believe this. I brush my lips against his, all swollen and tasting, despite everything, still like melon. “In case it wasn’t clear,” I say, softly, “I like you.”

“Yeah?”

I pull back. His nose is touching mine, our foreheads brushing. Jungkook chases me, cupping my cheek with his hand, tracing circles, and letting his tongue delve into my mouth.

“We gotta pick Tae up.”

“Right,” he says, not moving an inch, “Right.”

“I’m gonna trade picking up my best friend for a kiss. Or two.”

“Cockblocker,” Jungkook replies, nodding, “But deal. Wait, no. A kiss. Or two. Hundreds, of course. Along with making out in the car.”

“I’m always free to try your car with you, if I know what you mean, right?”

Jungkook groans. “Let me live.”

“Of course.” A kiss. “My best friend’s waiting.”

“You asked me to pull out.”

“You kissed me back.”

“Of fucking course, do I look dumb to you?”

 ((“I’m moving out”

These are the first words Jungkook hears on a fatal Thursday morning, hands holding onto the kitchen counter.

A mixed feeling paints his expression.

“I know we haven’t talked about this, but I think we both know that it’s the right thing to do,” I add, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, “I can’t stay here anymore.”

“So, you’re moving out. Definitely,” he ruffs his own hair, voice steady and low, his typical morning voice. Even though it seems like he’d like to add more — start asking questions, clear any doubt — I interrupt him, trying to sound as firm as possible.

“Absolutely,” then he nods, slowly, “I’m moving out.”

“Thank god,” he murmurs, hands already cupping my face, “For all the sex we’ll be having.”

“Jungkook!”

“Think about the bed,” he says, smiling like the attractive idiot he is, “The couch. Because you’re getting a couch. Think about all the places Taehyung can’t reach. Baby.”

“Jerk,” I say, kissing him lightly on the mouth.

“I’m celebrating for you, you ungrateful, amazing ass. Think about how easy blowing me will be.”

“Oh my god.”

“Think about how easy it’ll be for me to eat you out.”

I throw my hands around his neck.

“Not complaining anymore, huh?”

“Ass.”

“You love me.”

“That I do, baby.”

That I do.))

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[boy-porridge-vent]

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

[miss-pearlescent]

Friends, More or Less (M)

Themes: older brother’s best friend, morning after, face sitting (⊙ω⊙✿)

Flipping over to your side, you touch the sheets spread out before you.

Empty and cold.

You couldn’t help but sigh a little as you pushed yourself out of bed, feeling a dull ache...everywhere.

So maybe you’d been flirting with your older brother’s best friend recently. And maybe you had failed to correct him when he showed up to play video games with your brother even though you knew their little play date was actually next Thursday.

And maybe, while your brother was out of town, you invited his best friend into your bed.

You didn’t regret it, you thought as you brushed your teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. Last night was hands down the most amazing sex you’d ever had.

Jongin wasn’t a guy you knew too well, despite how many times he had come over to the apartment that you and your brother rented. You just knew he liked to play video games and read manga. You also knew he was hot beyond words.

He was tall and his shoulders were so broad. And he was always so serious. One time, he had walked into the kitchen while you were cooking and then suddenly there seemed to be a lack of oxygen as you blubbered something about chicken nuggets and then ran out.

Last night went much smoother. He made you equally breathless but never nervous. Both of you knew it was a fling and so you took it in stride. Instead of worrying about disappointing him in bed, you made the most of it by letting him know exactly where and how to touch you.

No regrets, even as you struggled to stand up straight. Every muscle was telling you to go back to bed, but you had a full day ahead of you.

The most apparent ache was the one between your legs. It didn’t go away even with a hot shower. Curse him and his agile hips.

You honestly had thought he would be the kind of guy to finish things quickly. But as you reached orgasm after orgasm, that assumption was proved wrong. He was insatiable once you got him going.

You groaned and shut off the water. The ache between your legs was turning into a totally different kind of ache.

There was no point in thinking upon it any longer. He left your bed without you noticing and the message was clear: nothing had happened between the two of you.

Yeah, it hurt. You knew it was a one-time-deal but there was a small part inside you that wished you weren’t just his friend’s little sister. You didn’t need a full-on relationship right away, but continuing the crazy sex for a little while would be nice.

You rolled your eyes at yourself when you noticed there was no towel on the rack. Your brain was obviously muddled from last night.

Stop thinking about him.

You opened the door to your bedroom and headed to the closet at the other side in search of a fresh towel. There had to be one in here somewhere.

A throat cleared behind you.

Every cell in your body turned cold and hot all at once.

No way. This was so embarrassing.

Shakily, you turned around and saw Jongin in only his jeans, sitting on the floor petting your cat on his lap.

And here you stood, ass naked.

“Hi.” You gave a nervous laugh and tried to cover yourself with your hands. It was futile, but there was no choice. “You’re still here.” Nice one, Captain Obvious.

Behind him, sitting on your bed, was your bath towel. You eyed it suspiciously, wondering if your towel set this up.

Jongin looked down, stroking another hand down Fifi’s back. “She was scratching the door at 8 in the morning so I gave her a bit to eat.” You gave your cat the stink eye, too, even as she stretched out comfortably in Jongin’s lap.

“Ah, thanks,” you drawled. “Could you, um, hand me that towel behind you?”

His curious gaze flickered up between you and the towel. “Why?” he asked.

You gave him an incredulous look. “Why? Because I’m naked?”

“I saw it all yesterday,” he said with a shrug.

“But that’s different.” You wanted to melt to the floor in embarrassment. “Please, Jongin.” You crossed your legs and held out a hand.

After a moment, he reached behind him and grabbed the towel. You went to take it from him but he held on. “Are we still good?”

Your words got caught in your throat. “G-good? What do you mean?”

“We had sex last night.” He tugged on the towel, catching you off guard and making you land on your knees in front of him. He kept his eyes on your face even though your boobs were pointing right at him. “Are we still good?”

“Of course we are!” you sputtered, holding the towel uselessly in front of you to give you some sort of modesty. “I’m not kicking you out if that’s what you’re asking.”

He stared at you for a second before letting you take the entire towel. It was pointless because you still felt exposed under his stare despite being covered. “I want to know if things changed between us.”

You couldn’t look at him. “There was nothing to change.” Which was the truth. The two of you barely knew each other before last night, and you still barely knew each other this morning.

He tilted your chin up, forcing your gaze to land on him. “I am your big brother’s best friend, so you’re going to have to take the reins here. If you want to be friends, you tell me. If you want a fuck buddy, you tell me too.”

“A f-fuck buddy?” You just knew your whole body was turning red.

Jongin nodded, a little smirk on his face. “You heard me correctly.”

You opened your mouth. Then closed it again. Then opened it one more time. “What if I want both?” you said, licking your lips.

His gaze followed your tongue and his grin widened. “Then we’ll just have to give you what you want.”

Fifi leapt to the side as Jongin rolled out onto his back on the hardwood floor.

“What are we doing?” you asked, trying not to salivate over the hard planes of his sculpted chest.

“Sit on me,” he said nonchalantly.

“Sit?” You blinked, trying to make sense of this situation. “Where?”

Jongin put his hands behind his head. “Wherever you want.”

You decided his rock hard abs were the safest bet, and you swung your leg over his waist, clutching your towel while straddling him.

He pushed down on your thigh so your core was pressed flush against his hot skin. His grin never disappeared as he watched you, kneading your legs with his thumbs.

“So,” he began, “what’s your favourite colour?”

The question was so odd that you forgot all the names of the colours. “E-excuse me?”

You felt his body shake underneath you with his little chuckle. “Mine’s blue. What’s yours?” His fingers skirted underneath the towel, squeezing your backside.

“I guess it’s red?” You weren’t exactly sure what you were talking about, especially when he began tugging at your hips so they rocked back and forth along the ridges of his stomach. “Or maybe pink when I feel like it.”

You tried to concentrate on his next question though his teasing gaze revealed he knew exactly how muddled he made you. “Cute. So what’s your favourite food, then?”

“My favourite food...” you trailed off as his thumb skated dangerously close to your core. You looked down and saw that you were leaving a trail of wetness from his chest to his belly button. “My favourite food is chocolate,” you replied breathlessly.

“Mm, sweet. I want to have a taste.” He cupped your bottom and lifted it, pushing you up so you had to support yourself with your hands. “Mine is fried chicken.”

You let out a breathy laugh at his ridiculous answer, but it got cut short when he slid down so he could look directly up at your sex.

“Fried chicken?” you squeaked out.

“Yup. Hot and juicy fried chicken.” He groaned as he craned his neck to lick one side of your slit. “Come here. I could eat it all day.”

You felt the pressure of his hands pushing your thighs down, but you resisted. “Jongin, no.” You pushed back at him even as he kissed your inner thigh. “I’m going to suffocate you.”

His grip tightened. “Let me handle the breathing.” He forced you down on his mouth, and you felt his hot tongue pierce into your core immediately. He licked and sucked, his mouth making lewd noises as he held you in place for his onslaught.

Already achy and sensitive from last night, you came right away.

You fell forward from the force of the release and thought to crawl away, but, with a growl, Jongin’s nails pressed into your ass, keeping you right where he wanted you.

You cried out as he sucked on your throbbing clit, wringing out another climax as you rocked your hips on his beautiful face. It felt sinful to smear your wetness on something so perfect, but that just made it hotter.

“Oh, Jongin,” you gasped, shaking as another climax threatened to crest over.

His hands sneaked up the towel, running along your sides before finding your nipples.

He pinched, hard.

You screamed, thrown over the edge, and lifted your hips out of the way while you had the chance.

Jongin followed, rolling the two of you over until you were suddenly flat on your back and he wedged himself between your legs, cradling the back of your head with his strong hands against the hardwood floor.

“We’re out of condoms so I’m going to fuck you like this,” he rasped, rubbing the rough fly of his denim against you. He chuckled at the way your eyes rolled back. “You like that?”

“Last one,” you muttered. “Or else I’m going to pass out.”

“Don’t do that,” he teased and kissed the tip of your nose. He pumped his hips, letting the texture of denim give you a whole new sensation. “There’s breakfast and coffee waiting for you in the kitchen.”

---

This was just something quick I whipped up after going through my drafts. I usually find the sibling’s-best-friend trope to be a little weird but I decided to give it a try because I loooove trying out random tropes lol the story started going in a weird direction with that fried chicken nonsense, but whatever LMAO I hope you guys enjoyed!

[neoyeppuda]

tattoo artist!seungcheol

a/n: okay so we talked about a lot of these in the gc and i was originally going to josh’s but now i’m doing cheol’s so lmao you can check out josh’s here - lani

warnings: swearing, mentions of needles, quickly done and fairly unedited

wow okay so seungcheol as a tattoo artist what a ride

is the owner of the tattoo parlor that all the boys work at 

has to pay a lot of rent bc it’s such a big place bc there’s so many of them

literally almost fired mingyu once bc he seriously fucked up their ink and needle orders and didn’t have enough of anything

anyways okay

cheol doesn’t really have that many tattoos

apart from his full sleeve that’s this really cool traditional japanese dragon with flowers and cool ass clouds and a cool koi fish

it wraps around his whole arm and the flowers fill in the spaces

oof 

he kinda looks weird with all the bright colours but it still looks really good

it was one that he got minghao to do bc minghao is great at traditional art stuff

and he has his parents initials on his wrists (it was the first thing he ever got done)

he also has roman numerals on the back of his neck to mark the day the parlor opened

he got his friend hyunwoo yes the monsta x hyunwoo to do it so the he was the first person to be tatted in there

moving on

there’s another tattoo parlor on the same street run by seungcheol’s friend hyunwoo

seungcheol and hyunwoo often do this thing where they do each others tattoos and lmao it’s cute and girly i love it

it’s kinda how you met seungcheol

he went in there to get a new tattoo done by hyunwoo who,,,, happened to be busy working on your tattoo

“what the fuck hyunwoo you actually got a customer”

“shut up you’re my customer too”

“shit”

the banter kinda made you giggle bc who the hell was this cute guy with a fondness for swearing

“i’ll just go back to my parlor and get one of the boys to do this tat then”

and then he looks at you

“hyunwoo is shit at the style you chose, you should’ve come and see me”

wow seungcheol moving fast

“i’ll come see you for my next one”

rip hyunwoo

so cheol goes back to his parlor and checks who is free 

and much to his dismay,,,, the only one free is jeonghan

“jeonghan,,, i need you to do my tattoo bc hyunwoo wasn’t free” :(

“this better be included in my pay”

:)))) 

the tattoo cheol was getting this time was on his chest and it was the stereotypical swallows on each pec

it was either that or ferns on his hips and honestly he didn’t want jeonghan tattooing his hips

and yes harry styles has the exact same tattoos

seungcheol is praying to god that jeonghan doesn’t fuck it up or hurt him bc lbr jeonghan and cheol have a love hate relationship

“i swear that if you fuck this up i won’t pay you”

“jesus cheol okay”

about halfway through cheol’s tattoo, you turn up

lmao cheol’s like, “jeonghan!! stop!! i gotta talk to this person!!”

so he goes out to you, without a shirt on, I might add

and he’s like, “so you took up the offer and came to my parlor?” all high and mighty and cocky n stuff

“no i just came to tell you that you were wrong and that hyunwoo did a great job on my tattoo”

:((( “well you know i’ve uh,,, done the same style on my friend and it turned out great too”

“i need proof or i won’t believe you” so,,, cheol runs back and gets soonyoung and yanks him back to you

“see!!” he yells while shoving soonyoung’s arm in your face

y/n is defeated

“let me do a tattoo on you to prove that i’m also a great tattoo artist” and he practically drags you back to his staion so that you can choose something for him to do on you

“yeah, but I just spent all my money on the tattoo that hyunwoo gave me”

“then it’s on the house, i’ll pay for it”

so you quietly choose a design and end up picking out a small water colour dandelion

“i’m sorry if i hurt you” he says quietly while seeting up the tattoo gun

and wow!! your heart kinda skips a beat because this guy??? wow super hot + super sweet what a great combo

all up your tattoo takes about an hour bc cheol keeps being so careful

but it’s great because you get to look at cheol shirtless for a whole hour

he bangdages it so carefully and goes over all the aftercare steps with you because tattoos can be painful if they’re not looked after properly

even gives you the tattoo balm that he used on you for free

and you’re like “wow this is too much i gotta pay you back for all of this somehow”

“nononononono this is on me, it’s okay”

“well then dinner tonight is on me, i’ll meet you back here, what time do you finish?”

“7:00pm”

and wow you quickly kiss his cheek and get out of there but not before yelling “see you soon!!” at cheol

he kinda just stands in station like “wtf just happened” and goes back to jeonghan so that he can get his tattoo finished

“i think i have a date tonight” :D

asdfghjkl wow i literally just did this in a few hours and it’s unedited so pls forgive me if i made mistakes - lani

[wildflowerwattpad0217]

Tortured Soul: A Harry Potter Fanfiction. My Reaction After 2 Years.

This post will be full of spoilers for my fanfiction. So here’s a link if you want to read it.

Tortured Soul

Masterlist

Each Paragraph is a about a single chapter.

I couldn't spell Lucius for the life of me. Rip into him Athens. This was probably one of the first Fanfic I was truly proud of. The twins are quite protective of her. I started it out in the second year because I felt like starting out in the first year is kind of pointless to her story.

At least they took it super well. Yes, call Lockhart out on lies. Don't you dare memory charm her.

When the Gryffindors have an attack Slytherin. Draco has been punched by his cousin. Athens is in shock over the Chamber of Secrets. The Golden Trio just found out who her father is. She just told them what was in the Chamber. She just figured out she's a parseltounge.

Hogwarts knows she's a parseltounge now. People are saying she's Voldy Moldy's daughter. And I made an oops. I had him say his name not "he-who-must-not-be-named". Ope she used Draco's full name. He's the one who told the school, that little shit. Fred just got called out for having a crush on Athens.

Athens is big depresso because since secret got out everyone has been treating her like shit, except Fred and George. Athens has been petrified. The spelling mistakes tho.

The Balisk is dead is the cure has been brewed. Okay, Dumbledore, straight to the point then. She's got scars tho and Dumbledore's worried? Why did I write that? He put Harry in abusive home and didn't even try to get him out. Her mother wants to see her.

She is officially in our third year. If I was rewriting it I probably would have separated each year by acts just to make it more organized. When Dumbledore trust Athens. Yeah that is funny a little more daughter getting along with the son of the people he killed. The twins just found out about the cruciatus curse and they're pissed. So in this chapter Fred finally asked Athens out on a date and she accepts but fun fact, this story was supposed to actually have the love interest speed Draco but then I realized that was incest and I was like oh it'll just be one of the Weasley twins, it'll be fine. Because I was more worried about the storyline and then I was the love interest.

Did I give Athens an evil twin sister? yes I did. It's spices things up. I forgot I made her have a death wish. Athens calling her cousin out on his bullshit.

Lucius lying out his ass. Her twin is alive. Samara really is an evil twin. She has the makings of a serial killer. I still hate Snape. Especially when it comes to Neville. He parents were tourtured by Bellatrix Lestrange, Athens' mother, and his boggart is his potions teacher. Athens boggart is her sister. Remus is worried af. She has proof  of Sirius's innocence. Draco is so protective of her. She had a nightmare amd woke up bloody.

How would it have even had been possible for Samara to cast to killing curse on her when she was nine? Samara got in jer head and attacked her. Like Dumbledore would actually care lmao. Bellatrix still wants to see her daughter. She's going to do it. First date with Fred.

Lucius's supervising the conversation. It's one of those join or I kill everyone you love situations. Dumbledore wants to her to become a double agent. The twins don't like the idea of it at all. Fred and Athens are dating now. Horcruxes.

She got rid of the diadem, with quite a bit of ease, surprisingly. She has a 10/10 relationship with the twins.  She knows Remus is a werewolf.

She just met Sirius and he asked her to tell the truth about him to Harry. Harry can be an idiot sometimes. Athens received a summons by the ministry.

We are starting out with emotion warning. Ron just found out Scabbers is Pettigrew. I feel bad for the boy. Snape said something he probably shouldn't have... Fred took her wand. I love Athens' respond to, "You are a disappointment to your father." "Good, I love to disappoint him." I love that. Samara just killed her sister, through her mind. Dumbledore's speech about her death though. Not Draco rallying everyone against Voldemort because Athens is dead.

So, Death in this story is kinda an OC that is also in another one of my stories, Avenging Riverdale, I had an odd idea to try and connect my stories through this singular entity. Lucius Malfoy didn't even show up to the funeral. She's a tiger. That didn't age well in the Carol Baskin era. Everyone is shook. She had a nightmare about what fully happened when she died.

Her secret is out. Sirius you did know. That I'm not Sirius I'm Athens lmao.

That nightmare, damn. And another one. Fred ad George are there after Sirius contacted them. She had another nightmare.

Why did I put so much on Athens's plate? Another nightmare. She had a meeting with her mother.

Quidditch World Cup. The first have is basically fluff. Until she gets kidnapped. Molly is turning against her.

Hi Samara. Athens has been gone a week. She escaped. There are a few things jn this chapter if I were to rewrite it.

The two other schools show up. Mad eye (Barty Crouch Jr) is about to get an ass whooping by Athens. Tbh I would pay for that.

Dobby has a glock. Dobby is Thugg. (I'm sorry. I had to Dobby appeared.) She told them because she had to. I forgot I made Samara the Champion for Beauxbatons amd for Hogwarts best make it 3 with Cedric, Harry and Athens. Athens is seeing red, thank Merlin for Harry tho. I italicize and bolded calmly. Another nightmare. I hate Rita Skeeter with a burning passion. She walked out of the interview because all she wanted to talk about was her family.

Samara admitted Athens is more powerful and Voldy Moldy wants Athens by his side more then Samara because she happens to be more powerful than him too. Samara just said that she's not going to make it out of school year alive. Draco made badges. She just found out dragons was the first task. why is she just so chill about the fact that a teacher just turned her cousin into the ferret. When Dumbledore uses you as a confidential informant. He wants her graduate early because he wants her to take the lead finding the horcruxes.

CHARLIE. Athens questioning if this is torture and the dragons. Athens turned the dragon to a bird. She partied all night with the Slytherins. Now she's hungover. Pansy making fun of Athens for being a lightweight.

Athens asking Harry not to tell Sirius about her getting drunk. Fred and Athens going to the Yule Ball together. Another nightmare. Athens giving Draco a task.

We love a prank. Wait, I don't remember who asked Samara to the Yule Ball. Athens Bertha Riddle. Samara Dean Riddle. They had an argument in front of everyone. The whole great Hall. Crabbe was the one to ask Samara to the dance. Fred is missing. Champions meeting without Samara.

She told Cedric about the nightmare. He didn't believe her and now he's dead. Voldemort is back. Letters from Athens.

Samara is dead. Dobby to the rescue. Everyone is asking about the letters.

The proper good-bye. She went to the Dumbledore's Army meeting. Yes, verbally kill Umbitch.

Christmas. Warning Sirius about his death. Bellatrix called Samara's death collateral damage. Athens is so salty. She died again, saving Sirius. Bellatrix is laughing.

Athens really just came back from the dead and was like I got to get out of here. Damn right your loyalties lie with your friends. Dumbledore deciding to bring Harry on the hunt for horcruxes. Dumbledore has accepted his death. I made an oops. So one of the Athens nightmares was Dumbledore's death and it included her sister so I kind of copied and pasted the scene for getting that her sister was in there so you have a little Cameo from her sister in there.

They are looking for the locket. It's her birthday. She received a warning from Draco.

So Samara's there? That does get annoying. Something bad happens and people immediately look at you, getting ready to point the finger. Ah yes the tiny scar. The Ministry has fallen.

Harry and Ron really under estimate Athens and Hermione sometimes. The fight at the Café. They ended up at the house where the ring was destroyed.

Athens is getting pissed at Ron. Athens just punched him in the nose. Now she plans to drink 100 year old Fire Whiskey. Another nightmare. Athens is having enough of their petty bullshit. Fred was going to propose at the wedding.

Ron is leaving. Godric's Hollow. Creepy old lady Ms. Bagshot.

Her biggest fear is her father killing Fred. Ron's back and has the sword of Godric Gryffindor. To the Lovegood house. Athens defending Luna. The Tale of The Three Brothers. Athens proving Hermione wrong and that the Deathly Hallows exist.

Murderous Athens though. Samara isn't alive. They had someone drink a polyjuice potion to freak Athens out. Athens insulting the snatchers is hilarious. Malfoy Manor. Athens being kind of worried about Draco. Athens lying about finding the sword just so Hermione doesn't get tortured. She just died from being tortured by her mother. Death is a sassy bitch. Only death she didn't see coming, Dobby's.

Fred and George are at the beach house. Athens is grieving. Athens is now Fred's fiance. Athens is right you never make a deal with the goblin. She is dreading dressing like her mother so much. When Athens inherited her mother's hair. She's scaring Ron with how good she is acting like her mother.

The thief's downfall, luckily Athens looks so much like her mother. She just scared herself. Sometimes I forget she can technically talk to dragons like she did for her first task. That Doctor who reference though. They got out safely but Voldemort knows that they broke into the bank. They are going to finish this tonight. Dumbledore's brother, Abuerfourth. Athens and Hermione are going to kill the Carrows.

Draco has been helpful. Snape knows that they're there Athens and Harry were spotted in hogsmeade. "Am I late?" I love Athens. Draco standing up for his cousin. It's time to go fight the last battle in the second wizard war.

"Fred said be careful. This is not being careful" she just killed herself to talk to death. Fred just died. She really just called her father the biggest idiot she ever met. When death raises Fred from the dead. "That is fiance thank you very much." Voldemort is dead. Athens won the duel.

When Fred, George and Draco become close because of you. The wedding. I love them so much. Athens is pregnant? Athens is pregnant. It was female twins.

Overall, it was good. One of my better books. But I should've put a trigger warning. So 7/10.

[ts-crossroads]

Episode Eight - “Get Your Head Out of the Gutter, And Maybe Get A Brain” - Bryan

holy mother of everything good in this world i cannot believe we just pulled that off and im still probably in the clear

WHAT THE FUCK!!! Ok then. So Dane is telling me that Ned was just too big of a threat. But I’m so fucking pissed still. Whatever. I’m on a 4-6 minority with me Sam and Jake. However I hope Dane is willing to flip back. But I’d still need one more...dang it. I got work to do.

My hands r so dirty rn like BITCH LOLLL. Im actually terrible. Ned could have stayed if I voted with them. Too bad he had to be fake! Sorry not Sorry! Basically that shit wouldn't have happened if Rebecka and I didn't think it needed to. And Jake and Bryan are blaming DANE AND JOHN LOL THIS IS PERFECT. I'm actually DYINGGGG LMAOOO. 

fuck john fucking liar i fucking saved his ucking ass twice and this is how he repays me fuck out of here i can’t deal with these bitches everyone who voted out ned SUCKS AND I PUT SO MUCH TRUST INTO JOHN IM LITERALLY THE REASON WHY HE MADE IT TO MERGE AND HE CANT EVEN BE LOYAL FOR ONE FUCKING ROUND 

6-5 i was SHAKING during the tribal. i owe rebecka and julia m'life. i talked to sam/ned/autumn/jake more than i talked to rebecka and julia so im shocked they were the ones to save me??? as a previous winner im gonna be a loyal hoe to those who kept me. and autumn at least gave me the heads up that i was probably leaving, and it sucked i couldn't let her know i had a plan to save myself. like she was telling me "talk to ned, rebecka, haley and we can do something" and i already did that minus ned. i loved ned sm. i hate that this happened. but like he and sam were willing to turn on haley and i SO fast. i don't like that... also haley told john and i that she and chris were dating and LOL that makes so much sense it did'nt shock me. i'm glad i always talked good about haley to chris and vise versa.

I am so emotional and not ready to write this confessional. First it started with me fucking up. I thought I could trust Dane but I couldn’t. I knew Autumn wasn't with us but I didn’t think we would lose 2 impala to the other side. Then I fucked up more by telling Ned that we are safe and not to play an idol. I gave him my idol half which he then gave back to me and then told me he had a whole idol. He asked me several times if he should play it and I said no every time because I trusted everyone. I truly let Ned down and I don't know how I am going to go through this game without him. He was the 1 person I trusted with my entire game and now he's gone. I sound so dramatic but whatever, I lost my final 2. I can have all the feelings I want. I just don't know what to do now regarding who to work with. I also hate myself more bc I had tribal in another game immediately afterwards, and Ned was in this game with me. Anyway, Ned got 4 votes, I got 3. He had a super idol, which he could have played on himself after votes were read, and he made an announcement that he wasn't playing it because I deserve to be there more than him. I literally cried so much. Ned went home in 2 games back to back because of me. I fucked up the first tribal and he went home with an idol in his pocket and he gave up his game for me the second tribal. I know that this is going to be a relationship that I cherish for a long time. I truly care for him so deeply and it goes deeper than any game ever could. If I get nothing else out of this game, at least I got to form this beautiful and magical friendship with Ned. I can figure out the rest of this game tomorrow.

Me after getting blindsided in two different Survivor orgs within five minutes of each other https://twitter.com/ricardojkay/status/945781023006105600 Owen lucky Ned gave me a pep talk on his way out cause this is some bullshit and I sure was about to cut my losses and walk #yalldontdeserveme

 Well I went from everyone having to split the votes Ryan and I which would of led me to go home. I got everyone to switch that didn't want to put Ryan or my name down which was Julia,John,Rebecka,Ryan, and Dane. It definitely shows that they all can be trusted since Ned was the one that left last night. Bryan is still targeting me for the whole Emily vote which is bullshit that vote was forever ago and why would we tell the person that invited her to tribal it was going to be her and then have Bryan go back and tell Emily. I hope all the campaigning Bryan did to work against me just showed him who really has the numbers. I'm now going to make sure if Bryan doesn't get immunity again that he goes next. 

Ok so I really don't know who to trust at this point. I miss Ned soooo much. A lot of people from the other side have come to me to clear the air, but I really don't see a way to recover from this. Yesterday was an actual mess. Julia was lowkey bullying Bryan in the merge chat. I say lowkey, because it wasn't personal, it was game related, but it was extreme overkill. Bryan had said "ok thats fine" and "I see what I did wrong, I learned from my mistakes" etc and she continued to say things like "now go shit talk me more, I know you will" and it was just really rude. And Haley cheering her on in the background definitely amplified the situation to make Bryan feel worse. I feel like the only people I can trust are Bryan, Autumn, and Jake. It's hard though, because I know Bryan is a threat who needs to go. Autumn rarely talks to me. And I recently got close to Jake, so I know he has been working with Bryan a lot longer and would choose him over me in a heart beat. Dane seems to think that him flipping to vote out Ned wasn't "picking sides" and now everyone can be on a more even playing field. At least that's what he told me. He also doesn't want to think of them as "sides," he wants to vote out Bryan next. If there are sides and I vote out Bryan, It's literally going to be down to 3 vs 6, with me in the minority. As much as I love and miss Ned, I don't want to be in that jury. I want to be at FTC with Ned rooting for me the whole time. I also don't know how to feel right now. I'm conflicted, because everyone is telling me shady/sketchy things about Ned and reassuring me that it is best he is gone because he was untrustworthy, but I really don't think I believe it. Like I know Ned is such an honest and genuine person, I really can't see him playing me like that. And of course everyone will try to justify voting him out to me, it was so obvious we were a f2, we had never separated the ENTIRE game. Literally day 1 we were on impala and stayed there. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm upset that Haley and Dane won reward, it seems like the worst people to have won. Hopefully it doesn't help them in immunity. I really want to win. I'm scared though that if I do, Bryan will leave. A lot of people are upset about how he acted last round when he was immune. I don't know how I feel, I really just need to see how the next day goes. ALSO Dane getting under 5 minutes in that maze seems toooooo good. Like I did it as fast as I could and couldn't even finish half of it in that time. It seems very impossible. 

Errybody and they mama has been in my pm's explaining themselves and I'm like lmao ok but you're still cancelled. I have a heart though so I (probably) won't come for the apologizers first on the hitlist. DID SOMEBODY SAY HITLIST?!?! Yep it's about that time/ I'm back doing what I do best https://78.media.tumblr.com/b6fa3f3b282c7314c79578a6599d56b3/tumblr_n49f6q9bH11rsrbdko1_500.gif Also shoutout to everyone who believes in me. Thank you and sorry if I scared you I was like eyeball deep in my feelings after that vote (and Athena All Stars but we won't get into). I am NOT walking because there's too much justice that needs to be served

NED!!!! If Chris was my Beth, you were my Glenn cause you're so positive and hero-like aaaaannnd because I was a wreck when you died lol. Is it bad that I couldn't stop crying? http://cimg.tvgcdn.net/i/2016/12/15/b1aca255-c49f-4f8f-be1f-853d48cd3f55/maggie.gif I really hadn't seen the vote until you asked if I flipped. Then I went to watch the rest of the tribal video and started sobbing. Did I flip? Absolutely not and if I hadn't left the call, Crossroads would have my reaction to prove it. Whew if I had seen that shit live... look I'm an ugly crier and Crossroads can only exploit what I give it lmao. Anyway we spent half the game trying to make it back to each other only for you to die 5 minutes later and that suuucks rip. THANKS JULIA! YEP YOU HEARD RIGHT SIS IS NEGAN!!! Under all the humor and cute pro pics... tragic. Bryan only killing Chris and not you? Never judge a book by its cover haha. Anyway I hate this happened to you because you deserved so much better and I hope you're in a better place in jury. Imperium is in shambles- Scrappy is out here squaring up in people's pm's, Velma has gone awol, and Scooby is in the doghouse since everyone knows he has fleas. Idk what's about to happen but you're right everyone is a snake. Ok I should go I have a lot to do if I'm gonna make it to the end because #owensucks #crossroadsisugly Thank you for like playing this whack game and believing in me when I didn't believe in myself @ everyone else: https://78.media.tumblr.com/a661740fa7785ef674d1c8ef7971f4f9/tumblr_myzplpOrQ51ql5yr7o1_500.gif NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM BEING PETTY AND SENDING YOUR ASSES TO JURY SO SAVE YOUR BREATH!!! Do you need to explain yourself? Absolutely. Will it make a difference? NOPE. If you gave a fuck about me you wouldn't have lied in the first place. Also everything you say to me can and will be used against you so y'all really need to chill. I mean it- stop checking in like we're good because you will not know the answer to that until the game ends. Thinking that we're friends doesn't make it true. But you know what is true? I will send every single one of you to jury and I cannot fucking wait

I wish Jake would send things in one or two messages and not seven or eight 

OKAY So hours before the last tribal I wanted to vote out Jake because he's lodged up Bryan's ass. However, the only person that Ryan could get enough people to target was Ned due to the amount of people that he pissed off. So honestly between Ned or Ryan to stay? I think it's pretty obvious for me to know what's better for my game. :) After the tribal council however Bryan immediately called me and started yelling at me and demanding he knows what my strategy is moving forward in the game, but I wasn't going to give it away, so now I'm playing the role of the dumb sheep and I'm starting to make people believe that I'm not worth it to vote out at the moment. Anyways! After that call I thought I would give Bryan the benefit of the doubt and I just assumed that the tribal council would be a wake up call for his attitude, but nothing changed! He immediately ran his rat ass to Ryan and started talking shit about me so now I'm pissed at Bryan again. Now here we are again hours before the tribal council again and it's a shit show because from my point of view I think the votes are going to fall between Bryan and Julia.... maybe. Julia and Bryan had a "fight" in the main chat but I honestly believe it to be fake and I think Julia flipped back to Bryan and my paranoid ass is starting to believe that they're going to conspire against me and vote me out. BUT! I do think that my social standings with Sam would help me get past this vote. With that being said though I may have to abuse Sam's kindness to further myself into the rest of the game. I was thinking with Ryan and if we get Haley on board we can vote 3 votes onto Autumn or Sam (wildcards atm) and in the case that Bryan plays his idol (BTW I FORGOT TO SAY I FOUND AN IDOL RIGHT BEFORE TRIBAL LAST ROUND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAMA) we can play one of our idols and get out Sam or Autumn. However, if we do that then we isolate ourselves as a 3 which is why Bryan, Jake, and John were targeted in the first place for.  This tribal council is going to be just as messy as the last one and I'm terrified and I don't want to waste my idol if people are telling the truth and isolate myself, but I don't want to go home with an idol in my pocket. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j4Xsc4Y0tbk

This round has just been a clusterfuck. After the Ned blindside I called John and found out that Julia was lying to my face and voted Ned which pissed me off so I exposed Julia shit talking John to me to John. After the call with John I told Bryan, Sam, and Autumn about Julia lying to us and I connected with Autumn finally. Bryan of course went and told everyone about Julia so Julia blew up on him in the main chat, gr8. Anyways I'm shook because I won the immunity and I really feel like I needed it this round for the potential of people voting me. Of course people were targetting Bryan and this twist could have changed things up, but John and Dane are too scared to make a move and there's no way we can vote Julia out this round which sucks. Idk what else to do, I tried. I just have to hope that things change soon or I'll be picked off. 

Sam pissed me off tonight. I was considering to flip to get Julia out but then after talking to her and Bryan I realise that this bottom four is getting closer. Sam and Bryan both mentioned they trusted each other. They lie for each other. I called Sam because I wanted to talk about voting Julia out the round after Bryan leaves and then when I tell her Dane & I are not flipping she goes from this happy girl with a happy voice to this sad girl and we sit in silence. Like... she was sad I wasn't flipping... like girl... why would I flip to the four fucking people who lied to me and voted for me. I want to flip honestly but not while there's that many people!!!!!!! I like Rebecka and Julia but they don't talk to me and I know they're closer to Dane & Haley as well with each other. Dane told me he got a FULL idol... cute John told me he has half the idol which I helped him get. I have my full idol. Haley has half an idol. So at least I know where these powers are going. My dream plan was to vote Julia out next but Sam kinda pissed me off. Autumn's been very real with me and Jake's been so active and apologetic in my pms. My dream is now to vote Sam off next and have John/Dane/Me/Autumn/Jake vote Julia after that. Maybe Rebecka too after. Then vote off Jake/Autumn. I'm super super tight with Haley, Dane, Coffey. I obviously know Coffey/Dane from my past but idk, I want to play and work with Haley because she's cool and new. I think I'd give Coffey 4th place. Go f3 Haley/Dane, and if it's a F2 I'll figure it out later. But i doubt I'll ever get there!! I bet Sam will win the F9 immunity ffs i hope not.

hey!! flopbecka here (@ashley the jingle jingle reindeer is anywhere hi!! thx for hating me im so happy to use the name u gave me <3 ) so i still dont know wtf is happening in the game, im in like a 6 person chat that i thought was just to get ned out, and now i think its like actually a real alliance chat? im confused af idk. I really want to work with autumn in this game and i just hope she still wants to after i didnt fill her in on the ned vote so woo go team 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOKbOoj7yo0&t=6s

[stay-neurotic]

found one of those old survey things in my journal i used to kill time with, redoing it with my new answers <3

When's the last time you ran? - ran back to the car with juan after renfest, cause we were fucking freezing and ready to go home lmao. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? - my work pants have holes from my bigass thighs rubbin against each other, but that’s about it. What are you dreading right now? - hmm. surprisingly nothing? i dunno. i guess confrontation. over the past few days i’ve come *this* close to running into certain people i don’t wanna talk to. Do you celebrate 420? - lmao hell yeah my dude Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? - usually manage to get between 6 to 7 and a half. i don’t even get a full night’s sleep on the days i sleep in cause my body clock’s been fucked up and also my cat is noisy. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - i’ve become a pretty flexible person, if someone wants to come and chill w/ me they’re more than welcome to. so long as i don’t have to entertain them i don’t mind the company. Who last grabbed your ass? - @thefacelessghoul​. too easy. next question Have you ever been on your school's track team? - fuck no Do you own a pair of Converse? - still have the black knee-high converse i mentioned the first time i answered this question. i keep em’ for cosplay purposes Did you copy and paste this survey? - yes? Do you eat raw cookie dough? - doesn’t everyone Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - vending machines have thankfully never done me wrong in the past Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? - doesn’t everyone Do you watch Trading Spaces? - nope, don’t watch a lot of TV in general. is this show even on the air anymore? How do you eat oreos? - whole, dunked in milk, the way god intended Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - oooooohhhhhhhhhhh yes. my high school days were spent staring at a computer screen, this happened often Are you cocky? - af Could you live without a computer? - lol holy fuck no Do you wear your shoes in the house? - no? people do this? Who or what sleeps with you? - a juan, a max, and a million pillows At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? - don’t remember what age I was but it was on Christmas morning lol. i had suspected for a while but my suspicions were confirmed when santa’s gift to me still had the tag from target How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? - i have one cell, juan has two. his second cell came from the lost-and-found of winn dixie, it’s out of service but can connect to wifi so it’s basically a social media/music device What do you do when you're sad? - hmm. umm. sleep a lot. starve myself. lose the ability to say ‘no.’ Who would you call first if you won the lottery? - my significant other followed shortly by my aunt Last time you saw your best friend? - well i haven’t seen her, really, we’re tumblr buddies. but the last time i talked to her was yesterday Are you in high school? - graduated in 2012 What jewelry are you wearing? - promise ring <3 nothing else because i’m in my fucking pajamas Is anyone on your bad side now? - my roommates for being the opposite of understanding/supportive with our (mine & juan’s) living situation and fixating on the money aspect. they’re still my friends but, just, could have used a little more empathy from them. also, the friend group who proved how ugly they all were when the drama started happening. (someone ask me about this if ur curious, i’d love to rant) What's the first thing you do when you get online? - check tumblr. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? - again with the tv thing.  How do most people spell your name? - usually just rachel. sometimes they try really hard but end up with racheal. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? - i wear juan’s things to sleep a lot lol. he’s also given me a few of his shirts/jackets. Where do you work? - tgi motherfucking fridays. come get ur endless apps bitch, we literally will be fired on the spot for complaining about ur nontipping ass What are you doing tomorrow? - helping juan move his stuff from storage back into the apartment <3 Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? - nobody is becoming the next michael jackson Favorite name for a girl? - i love all names that start with vowels for girls Favorite name for a boy? - papa emeritus iii Will you keep your last name when you get married? - potentially. we talked about juan taking my last name. but i’m not really that attached to it at the end of the day. When was the last time you left your house? - yesterday morning, to go to work Do you return your cart? - fucking always. literally if u dont ur an asshole Do you have a dishwasher? - yup. there wasn’t one in our first apartment, and after washing dishes by hand for a year we agreed that anywhere we move had to have one or it was off the table lmao What noise do you hear? - the fan of my computer, my cat licking his paws, roommate’s music muffled on the other side of the wall. Would you survive in prison? - the only thing i’d fear is maybe pissing off the wrong person by accident. but i feel like i’d be protected by all the allies i’ve made in my cell block Who is the youngest in your family? - technically me. i have a younger sister but she was adopted as a baby and now i know nothing about her. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? - fucking juan Do you know anyone with the same name as you? - uhh. yesterday one of my customers was overjoyed because i was the first rachael she’d met in her life who spelled my name the same way she did. does that count What's the last thing you purchased? - a sweet-ass leather & chain harness from the medieval faire. and also a lace choker. Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? - @cvnt-ish​ if she bought me a ticket to see her in portland then i could answer yes to this question <3 What brand are your pants right now? - not wearin’ any! Ever been to Georgia (the state)? - visited thomasville one day during a vacation with eden’s fam. it was super quaint! What irritates you most on the internet? - hmm. nazies. niceguys. trump supporters. no, you know what, just...people with shitty opinions/beliefs who are provided a forum where other people will validate their shitty views. the internet can be an echo chamber a lot of times and it’s terrifying What brand is your digital camera? - this survey was composed back when digital cameras were still a thing Do you watch movies with your parents? - can’t say I do much of anything with my parents. :/ What song best describes your life right now? - Do You Feel It? - Chaos Chaos Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? - nope. though i would like to make a trip some day soon to bath & body works and get some nice-smelling lotion. Are you taking college classes right now? - none at the moment. if my financial situation resolves itself before march then i will start with my architecture degree this fall, though. Do you like sushi? - do you breathe air? Do you get your hair cut every month? - i cut my own hair, mostly. right now though i’m just letting it grow. Do you go online everyday? - yall dont need me to answer this. you know. Will you pass this survey on? - yeah sure. whoever wants to reblog this and do it i guess. lmao. Boyfriend/Girlfriend Survey What is their name? - juan c: What pet name do you like to call them? - baby. babe. my sun & stars. How long have you been together? - just over three years. How did you meet? - through a mutual friend. she introduced me to the group and it was the beginning of the end, lol. What do you like the most about them? - how creative he is, how driven he can be when he finds a cause worthy of his effort, how introspective and intelligent and talented he is. how forgetful he can be and how dorky he always is. <3 What do you like the least about them? - his tendency to let his emotions get out of hand - though that’s something he’s making really great strides on recently. What is the best thing they have ever done for you? - kiss me, those three years ago on that chilly morning before work. starting us out on this journey together. Have they met your parents yet? - both my parents are out of the picture, but he’s met my aunt and uncle and grandma, which is what counts. and they love him to pieces of course. What would you kids look like if you had kids? - oh! i actually did one of those picture merger things one time to find this out...i lost the screenshot unfortunately though. they would be white/puerto rican mixed with really big noses and beautiful eyes. What is the worst argument you have had? - ooh. this one’s bad. we had two, during the breakup, that were extreme in a way none of our other arguments had ever been. during the first, he lashed out at me because i told him “you have a week to get out.” by the end of it we were screaming in each others’ faces and name-calling. it was ugly. the second one was when he told me he was gonna date the other girl. i was so livid i was seeing red and twice i tried to go up and hit him but he backed away from me and then got in his truck and drove off. i’m still ashamed of that. Do you still kiss a lot? - god. i lose track of how much we kiss every day... Who asked who out? - we went from being best friends to flirting pretty hardcore for a couple days, until he closed the gap suddenly and kissed me. so i guess you could say it was him. lol. Do you think you will get married? - the future is an uncertain thing, so i try not to look too far ahead anymore. still, i would like to, one day... Can you see yourself growing old with them? - again...taking it day by day. What is the one thing you would like to change about them? - absolutely fucking nothing. ...no, you know what, i’d like him to be able to remember that hot beverages go in mugs, not glasses <3 What do you think they would like to change about you? - hmm. my insecurities. they pop up fairly often now after all that’s happened. it takes a lot to reassure me. What is the first gift they ever bought you? - roses, i think. he made a lot of art for me as gifts rather than buying things. Do you have a favorite song together? - ohh, plenty. the first one that pops into mind is definitely Evidence - Marilyn Manson Which famous person do you think they look like the most? - OH OH I KNOW THIS ONE Would you say the two of you are a good match? - only in every conceivable way.