#theyre qll back now

[lesbiten]

HAPPY FIDDLEFORD FUCKING FRIDAY EVERYONE

[futanaritalizorah]

Please...let me sleep... *hugs shiba kiba inu tight* my body refuses this medicine...i just feel exhausted all the time as a result...ans tonight in particular i canr shut my brain off...just long enough to stop being sick... I pray harder...i told connor i used to pray to god...angry but...i founf myseld being more thankful...this was months ago...now i find myself just praying for forgiveness...praying for more...more for us...there has to be more...i prqy until i fall asleep...cause i dont want my mind to wander...i pray cquse i have to believe theres some purpose to it all... i pray Cause if you cant give closure...rhen god certainly will...im in his hands.... So i pray now...cause im scared...and lonely...and tired...and exhausted...and just wanting resf from being sick every other time....i pray xause all i have is shiba kiba inu. And i hope nemo still looks out for you as shiba kiba inu does for me on nivhts like these. Or mornings im a wreck and wont haul my ass out of bed. Im a mess This fever has me so emotional too so gr9 Ugh i just wanna know whag i did wrong When theres a liar right in your face. Theyre nor even rral. They xatfiahed a person...they told ypu i banned them feom ts when i didnt do sucg a thing....why am i still the one thats the liar t.T i pointed oit they mighr use uou and...so what...now im at fault? We all got played yet i feel like im mpre wrong for knowing it than the person eho was actually responsible...t.T Wpply that to wvery other sitition. I wasnt responsible for people leaving. Thwy left xause of their own accord t.T im tired of being blamed I wanna be blamed for beinf stupid for stayibf tgis lonf. I want jose eric ans savid to slap me causr i stayed when they told me i need to looj out for myself t.t i wanna slap myself xause i was nice and stupid and dis things out of love for you but...where was thay love foe me. Why didnt i love myself enough to know i deserve better. Self respect. Why. Connor. Ufh. Connor. I told connor i prayed kinder things now. He left me as well. He left me as well. But i dont vlame him. I wouldnt wanna see me in this rut either. Hugs shiba kiba inu hugs harder* :c i dojt vlame people for wanting to leave me Please god just let me sleep T.T my mind is tired tonight. Please never let him feel this way. Ever. Cauae its so crippling to live this way. I hate crawling our of bed in the afternoon T.T i hate aleeping angry. Confusrd. Sad. Lonely. Betrayed. Usrd. I haye not beinf comfortable in my own skin because every ounce of love was misconstdued and tuened against me. That kell hoe catfished and im still cwlled manipulativw. Fun fact: kell lied. Not me. Kell lied about his/her/ their life. So they lied avout whay thwy told uou. Aris has photos. Gold has experience. Val has screen shots. Kevin streamed it all. Theres picture qns video peoof. And you chose fqke eveeu time. Thats not on ME cwuse YOU chosr fqke. I cant bring myself to be around you cause im not gonna be confused as one of those fake friends. You treat those frienda you,have well. They...are a solid 100% bunch. I was fown and shit on myself and...each one...showed up...they sgowed up abd made sure i was ok. You have great friends. Dobt confuse a pretry fucking catfishing face as a friwnd Because i lost a friend too when i found about kell. She promisrd she woildnt hurt me. And look who cobtrivuted to mwking a mockery of my,life. Kell fucked me up in ways you wont understand. All you see is a pretrt xatfishibg giel thay rwjected ypu. Worse? She played with youe fwelings. But i could have told u thay. Elligator (that fucker you were fihting with in allies?) Also had a thibg going on with kell before ann. Surprise. Ik that cwuse kell played innocent but i didnt judge. Not until she stwrted making you into one of hee toys too. You idiot. I looked out for you. Kelsrara? U told the gm not to t2ll me cwus3 im crazy. And im your ex. You idiot. I knew long befoee becwuse kelsara kept harassinf me.i have ss of thay as well. In fact keyrus had to step in becaus3 kelsara just wouldnt stop harassibf me T.t you wnna se eharasment?? You fucking see the shit i had to deal with because od the lies *you* made and the mistakes *you* made. I had to deal with the afteemath abd i had to d3al with youe byllshit when u went aeound and told people slander aboht me. I knew! And i didnt *hate* you. What made me not stqnd yoy was your lies about me! Ask kell! I knew about kelsar! I knew! Ask aris! Yet i didnt fucking attack you qbout it when you cqme back to the gqme. I knew and i didnt bothee you qbout it T.T i deqlt with it. Like a fuckong human. I dealth with it So dont yoy fucking say you didnt hurt me. Cause you hqve no right to sqy you didnt hurt me. Cwuse thqts qll ive felt. Alll i wanted to hear was a solid stoey od what i did to you. Not one of them hqd stoei3s vexauae you hqve none. I loved you. With qll my heart. I cared too muchm that is called love So fuckinf decide if you want real or fake. Cquse i gave you real stories that are long lasting. Your lies will run out. You wre more thwn thia so stop lyinf. You left the pawn shop cquse you didnt like tueninf people away. You wanted to help. Stop calling me crazy and every othee shot when i speak the world of you despite qll this shit you keep pilinf on me. Knoe who made tge mistakes. I didnt fuckinf do shit with kell or kelsarq. Those were your mistakes. Not mine. In fact i told everyone rlse the sqme shit. I told them to ruck pff you xause you made mistqkes vut you dont deserve to be crucified. We qll deserve bettee *hugs shiba kiba inu* Im tired of sobbing qnd nobody hears a thinf. Fuxkinf do me a favor and log into swtor. Fuckinf app is too nuch of a pussu to tqlk to you avout liquidatinf. He wants to sell the fuild. If you dobt log in > he gets gm > he sells the guild O am i mqnipulativw again? No you fuck. Peoplr have disappointed me relebtlessly. I am the burxen of bad news. Why? Cause i fucking tqlk 5o them. I listen. That is how i know. So fucking get online and kick or whatever or discuss it witha pp. O hate hes doinf this when he could just discuss it. Ill hqte myself foe tellinf u thos cquse youll find a way to say i wqs reaponsible foe it. And ill hqte you for blaming me again. And then ill hqte myself cause i let you blame me agaib. I warned you cause youre a friebd...or...once a friend...idk...you said we werent driensa...you tell me Ik where i wanna stand. Im tired of feeling lost like an animal looking dor a home. I sound angey tellinf you this but underatand where im coming feom. My options are thin. You dobt teust me for God knows what reason. Here, lets say app doea get the guild and aella it...youre fonna blame me xquse i simply *knew* about it. But im hoping you know bettwe than to do that cause i pointed it out before it happened. I cqnt even comfortably talk to app abymore ever aince he admitted to wanting to liquidate shit. So i cant. I cqnt wqtch this unwind in front of me. I cqnr watch a supposed friend of yours liquidate the guild. And what? Youll come back homeless? I cqnt watch cause your "friend" is reaponsible for that Lets say i could have warned you. Could i have? Could i prwvwnt this feom hqppenibg? Or will you blow it in my face as me teykng to mqnipulatw people This was apps idea. Npt mine. Im simply relaying tge msg. I never hated you. So get your fucking eggs in a line. Cause im not th3 one fucking you,over. Kell, kels, and now...possibly app Thats what im deqlinf with even tho,youve been gone. I wish app wpuld just discuss it with you. He thinjs youre gone forever. Nah. I doubt it. Othwrwise that fuild would be gone officiaply. God just fix your shit before you blame me for it. I gried so hard. You kee0 nlaming me for wbeeythinv goinf weonf in your life. I only remember being ypue biggest supportwr next to your mom. What the fuck ever. I warned you...so please...dont hate me for knpwing...he might npt liquidate it if you come back to the game...itll give him a reason to play...but...sigh...im tired of beinf the bad person...i try to avoid peoppe from seeinf u thay way...uve just had toufh days...but...u uraeld paint me in that light... So ..self respect... whats wronf with me

[futanaritalizorah]

The more i know...the less i wanna write...cause here i am with answers to offer you...but... Knowing all this leaves ME with more questions...that will remain unanswered. This blog wasnt intended to spill out secrets... If you remember, it was initially a blog for both of us to share things we loved...or would love...we used to share artwork on this blog...but now its to express my emotions and...of my love for you...that never really went away but grew stronger.... But its a bleeding heart...and its rare...and i want it to heal....cause idk what we are...i dont even know if you think of me as a friend.... Granted, i blocked you on fb...but it was because it hurt to see you surround yourself by people (yep, plural...)that tell you one thing but tell me another...there are some genuine keepers there but a couple just...talk to you to gossip and not to listen to you.... I know im your friend: *i* will always hold dear memories of you and i will *always* be here if you need me...be it 3 months or 3 years from now if you need someone...no matter how long we havent talked...i will be here to lend a hand or we can just be quiet together cause....sometimes there are just no words... One of the things i learned was that...just spending quiet time with you...was enough...the silence used to make me uncomfortable...but you were around and you didnt shut me out...and you just needed silence at the time....as long as i could just hold you tighter when your words were failing you and you were pushing away more....from depression....i just wanna hold you tighter and kiss your forehead...and rub your upperback underneath your tshirt....no word uttered... But with that being said...i dont know what i am to you...its been unclewr for the past 6 months...a friend ig, a friend in rl, an ex gf, someone you care about, someone you dont wanna care about... Ik youre depressed but...its no excuse to treat anyone this way...i just wish i knew...just one thing... I know youre depressed but some...clarity would be nice...to help someone move forward....but sometimes i think you dont want me to move forward....idk...i dont know.... I just wish i knew if you care for me at all... Its easier to believe the "rumors" of people telling me you wished i was gone or would fuck off...but youve done your own share of hanging out with me...and youve done your own share of protecting me too... I just...want clarity...even the words..."i dont know how i feel cause i cant connect to you emotionally cause i cwnt even connect to mine" would help....that ring a bell? Yep...its...the reason why we broke up...that was the reason...im just wondering if thats really why we broke up anymore....or if it was me... I feel hated....with what everyones telling me about what you said...BUT when you interact with me...its so different from how you interact with others...we have genuine talks...no meme talks....god knows ive learned enough memes from connor...but we have conversations like we used to when we would just lay down next to eqch other in bed....not even conversations youve had with others... you still tell me your fears...and stuff youve improved on...and trust me that was difficult for you to express 6 months ago...you still open up to me cody... So i see wjhat people say....but how you act...i see you want distqnce feom me...but i see you gravitate towards me...and open up to me naturqlly.... your actions show me you care and dont want to see me hurt...if you mqde me guess...id say youre guarded...imo lies spread faster than the truth so...i believe we still care for each other....maybe i dont need an answer as to if you still love me always...ik we're gonna be good friends...we've been friends for YEARS...we're gonna be friends for a lifetime....but sometimes a girl needs to know if you CARE Cause you brought up children and weddings and...i was more than willing to move to the east coast...we talked about living in buffalo, what we would want for our children, when we would have children, ...we touched a lot of subjects...i just need to know if im that girl anymore...i dont thimk youve wver gone this serious with anyone else...you wont have the answers now...but one day i hope you get clarity...you sift through ut qll and see the grnuinr truth behind all i did... But my heart will need a break...from its heart strings being tugged one too many times from people who chose to...involve themselves or...feom you...from pushing me away and pulling me back...im not saying this was one sided...god knows i had my own issues leaving...mqinly because i wanted to know youre ok.... But i will always wonder...if you still love me...and care for me like thqt night you visiter in PA...that hug you gave me when i got off the bus...i just keep remembering how you couldnt believe it was happening....and your hands were trembling... I cant ask this of you when youre trying to find yourself....but i hope, if its in the cards, that you come back to me....when youve straightened up...no more mind games....to talk...and get clarity... I wouldve loved to be on this journey with you but...with the lifestyle you had back in VA...YOU need more control of your life... I feel like you thought i was controlling because you projectee your home life to me...i never told you to tqke medicine cody...in fact i didnt give you an answer at all...i simply said id stand by your decision... I made you pick up old habits (drums, keyboard, editing, reconnecting with old friends) but....cody dont hate me for that...yknow it was at your best interest.... So yes i feel as if you are projecting your home life (your mom.wnd sis told you to tqke meds and theyre always on you about cleaning up) to me...its convenient...but thats not the truth...i think we both remember the last week of our break up VERY differently... I remember you throwing up constqntly....me worried sick about you not eating but constantly throwing up...having chest pain...neck pain...just a lot of pain....if that week was torture for you...it was hell for me...cause im here helpless and i cant do shit.... Ik i wasnt personally experiencing all that but...i love you so much that distance had nothing to dull the pain away. I didnt like seeing you under wo much pain and stress. If you know me at all, ill blame myself for it. I didnt wanna see you hurting...i couldnt stand it...im a fucking medical field for christ sake...i dont wanna see you hurt...physically or emotionally...or mentally... Its why all i wanna do here on out...is take your shoes and socks off when you get home...you know why...i meant it when i said i would.... But thats...what i wish i had answers to...but i wont expect too much...if i cant get answers now...or ever...sigh... Right now i just...want us to get better...yes, us. Im not perfect cody. I need to improve as well. Hope you eat your 3 meals little dipper...i told you how depression affects your hormones and you dont think youre hungry....and thatll in turn affect your sleep schedule...im not controlling...i care. Take cwre of your body. Feed it properly. Itll help you mentally at the same time.