#this is a commercial break kinda post before i go back to my usual edits

[verthu]

photoshoot behind the scenes

[timextoxhajima]

HOSTIS, Chapter XVII.5: Inevitabilis, Inevitable

HOSTIS PLAYLIST: WONHO - LOSING YOU

Previous Chapter (XVII: Et Universum Parallel)

Member: Lee Hyunjae (tbz) 

Genre (by chapter): drama, angst

Category: Short Novel/Long Series

Dana’s A/N: this is a special piece written by @vxstarlightxv​ who has been feeding me ideas to fuel this story. i did not write this chapter, i only merely proof-read it/gave her tips etc, but otherwise the beauty of this chapter will never be able to be my own original work.

P.S: if you’re emotional, please keep a box of tissues with you 

“there is no escape from you, not now, not ever. you are inevitable.”

The day the kids at school start calling you Ares is the day Hyunjae loses faith in humanity. You are a spineless, low-life coward, who hardly deserves to be bestowed with the same title as himself. Yet here you are, acting as though you were worth being on the same plane as him.

He hates you. Oh god, he truly does.

He remembers the way you fucked him over so well and thoroughly, and in front of the whole school that too. Granted, he may have screwed with your equipment, but maybe if you didn’t suck so bad you wouldn’t have failed.

Blaming him for your shortcomings. How typical.

But showing Minhee ​that picture of the accidental kiss (that meant ​nothing​) for the sole purpose of destroying his relationship? That was a bitch move right there. So he has no regrets when he posts a cleverly edited picture of your lab teacher with his girlfriend. None at all. In fact, the sight of your tears when that himbo Younghoon dumps you is something that brings him delight.

His heart definitely did not twist when he saw you cry, because he definitely does not care. You hurt him, and it’s only fair that you’re hurting too.

Nonetheless, he is pleasantly surprised at how fast you bounce back. His breakup with Minhee was a huge watery mess, and he cannot help his grudging admiration for your strength when you power through your own with Younghoon.

It is only admiration, for he definitely still hates you.

When the time comes to choose a medical school, he chooses the one that seems the furthest away from you. But fate hates him, so after 4 years of respite, he is dumped back on your doorstep as your fellow intern in the neurology department.

Of all the fucky coincidences.

~~~

Ares is a brutal god. He is the fire of war, wild and relentless.

Hyunjae is furious when he finds out you’ve stolen his report, but he’s not surprised. Not when he would’ve done the same thing. Then again, he was kind of hoping you would leave him alone. Naturally, you’ve done the opposite. He wonders if his emotional response is a little… disproportionate, given the situation, but he’s not going to let you fuck him over like this and escape unscathed. He isn’t a fucking pussy, your thoughts on the matter be damned.

Silly little kitten. Put your paws in the fire, and watch the heat bubble your skin.

He is simmering as he bangs on your door. He hears you screaming some nonsense about your mother, but he’s too pissed to process anything. You open the door, face falling as you see him. He cannot help but reach out a hand and grab you by your pretty throat.

He shoves you into the house, fuelled by the magnitude of his anger. You’ve hurt his pride, made a fool out of him in front of Dr Kim. He wants to shred you to pieces, get you on your knees and rip the apologies from your mouth.

Tonight you will understand why the other gods fear the wrath of Ares.

 ~~~

Hyunjae replays the encounter in his head as he drives home. He has never once considered you as anything but an enemy. But today, something of seismic proportion has shifted in your dynamic.

The flutter of your lips against his, like butterfly wings on a flower. The warmth of your chest against his in a tight alcove, hiding from Dr Shin. The way you felt when you took him in, the way you cried when he hit every single spot that made your toes curl. The way you purred when he called you kitten and mewled as you fell apart on his cock.

In retrospect, he hopes that he didn’t hurt you. He usually likes to stick around for aftercare, but he didn’t want to ruin your pride even more. You’d already been dealt with a devastating blow, and he didn’t want to make it worse, regardless of how big of a dick you think he is.

(Ring, ring)

The sharp blare of his ringtone shatters the silence of his ride home. He glances at the screen, smiling when he sees the caller id.

“What’s up, Juyeonie? Are you finally back?” Hyunjae is thrilled to hear his best friend’s voice. Juyeon is very busy these days, being a commercial pilot and all, so these rare moments they have with each other are more precious than gold.

“Hey, hyung! Yes I am! On that note, are you free next Friday? Let’s get drinks and catch up!” Juyeon sounds so eager and hopeful that Hyunjae can’t help but say yes, no matter how packed his schedule might be. The rest of the conversation proceeds pleasantly, and he is happy to forget the day’s drama.

It is only when he reaches home that he realises that the thought of you has never quite left his head.

~~~

“So what happened? The last I heard, she left you high and dry in JFK.” 

He watches as feline eyes crinkle with delight at his question. His friend launches into a happy tirade about his mystery girl, going on and on about fate and chance encounters and love lost and found. Hyunjae listens carefully, admiring the way Juyeon has changed. He wonders for a moment if he'll ever experience something as profound as Juyeon has, will ever wake up one day knowing that his heart sits in the palms of another person, and will not fear the idea.

The image of your eyes dancing with wicked laughter arises unbidden, and it punches the breath out of him.

He is jostled out of his thoughts when a hand lands on his thigh. It is so abrupt, so sudden that he all but jumps out of his skin.

“Long time no see, stranger.”

Choi Minhee is standing in front of him, batting her mascara-painted eyelashes at him seductively. She is as pretty as ever, with her delicate collarbones and anime-girl eyes.

But she is not you.

The thought is so dreadful and unsettling that he cannot help but flirt with her the whole night in order to get it out of his head.

When have you become anything but an annoyance, anything but a pest that’s been shoved down his throat?

It is pleasant, talking to someone who he hasn’t met in a long time. He remembers her fondly, despite how miserable their parting was. Minhee is soft and kind, a gentle cherry-blossom compared to your ever-burning inferno. She complements him well (not perfectly, because only ​one​person does), and for a second he feels white-hot annoyance at you for fucking him over in this regard. Hyunjae cannot help but wonder if they would have been married by now had you not intervened with that photo. Would they be living the white-picket fence dream? What would their kids have looked like?

All he can see are children with your ash-brown hair and his almond eyes. The image causes his gut to clench so tightly that he wonders if something inside him might have cracked open.

“Have you and Y/N gotten together yet? I figured that after we broke up the two of you would end up going out. You were always kinda obsessed with each other.” The question jolts him out of his reverie. Juyeon, who has been listening politely so far, decides to insert himself into the conversation.

“Yeah, hyung. The two of you have always had something special, right? What was that stupid nickname we gave you? Paris and Helen?”

The irony is not lost to him. Enemies, being compared to the two greatest lovers of all time. A face that launched a thousand ships, a blaze of love that destroyed a nation. Only fools succumb to Aphrodite, the cruelest of the divine hosts.

“Ares and Ares. And for fuck’s sake, I will never be attracted to that hag. You won’t believe what she did at work last week-”

Hyunjae misses the knowing look Minhee and Juyeon exchange. He’s only seeing you.

~~~

If there is one thing that Hyunjae hates, it is surprises. So he really, really hates it when he sees you flirting with the intern as though ​he ​doesn’t exist.

The day had actually started off pretty well. He came into work feeling all pleased with himself. Not only did he break you down, but he also figured out a solid way to keep you in line. You were reacting beautifully to his taunts, and seeing you unable to walk made something vicious inside him preen.

And then, before he can breathe, you are making stupid cow-eyes at the snot-faced little intern as though he created entire galaxies in your honour.

How dare you, honestly? You’re wearing ​his ​hickeys on your neck, limping and ​sore because ​he​ripped you apart last night. How can you even ​think​of flirting with another man? Are you doing this on purpose, to get some semblance of power back?

This is not jealousy. It definitely is NOT jealousy because that would mean he would have to be attracted to your hideous hag face. No, it was an issue of pride. And no, he definitely was not deluding himself right now.

Nonetheless, watching Eric help you into his car after work makes him want to vomit.

~~~

It is the party incident that truly knocks it into his head. He spends the entire night seething over your flirtations with Eric, with even ​Sangyeon. He glares at you, but you pretend to not see, and it shoves him off the edge.

Why won’t you look at him? A room full of people, but you are the only one he sees. So why aren’t you seeing him too?

He reminds you that night, who is the only one who knows how to pick you apart, snap you in half. He reminds you who is the only one who can make your body thrum and vibrate, who is the only one who can coax tears from your eyes and pleasured sobs from your throat. But he is also tender with you after, because under that diamond-hard exterior is a heart wrapped in silks and satin. Hurting you is the last thing he wants to do.

It is only when he wakes up alone in the morning that he realises that maybe, just maybe, he wishes he could see you in his bed again, hair spilled across the sheets as your breathing slowly evens out into slumber. He wants to coo over your keening wails, drink the moans from your mouth.

A thought, fleeting and profound, surfaces.

He wants you to be his.

~~~

He goes to work on Sunday with iron resolve. He has spent the entirety of Saturday thinking hard about you, and the relationship you shared with him. The line between obsession and infatuation is a thin one, one that the two of you have been dancing on for 10 whole years. When did his foot slip? When did the late nights plotting revenge mutate into candied dreams of your lips, of your body, singing for him?

But of course, who else could it be? You have always been, will always be, his forever other half.

Ares and Ares, locked in their death dance. But when did Ares become Aphrodite? War has become Love, and Love has become War.

Somewhere along the way, something has gone wrong. At some point or the other, he has forgotten the hatred that sizzled through him like blazing poison. He has forgotten that you are annoying, that you are competitive, and that you get revenge in the sleaziest ways possible. He has forgotten everything, because all that remains is the way your smile looks like a flashing ray of sunlight, like a tendril of shimmering starlight. All that remains is the sound of your wind chime laughter, the softness of your small hands on his heated skin. All that remains is the memory of how good you are for him, how addictive the juxtaposition between your submissive sweetness in bed and your fiery heat outside of it is.

So he decides that he is going to make you his. Granted, the order of things was completely wrong, but he would fix it. He would cook you dinner, press kisses onto your cherry mouth, and then love you till morning comes. And then he would repeat it every day, till the day the two of you are cradled in the eternal embrace of death.

Surely, surely you reciprocate his feelings? How can you not, when your body weeps for him the way it does?

He likes to think you do, when he admires the way your eyes flutter closed when he steals kisses in the pantry. He likes to think you do, when you stay four hours past your shift and order takeaway for him. He likes to think you do, when you dangle Eric in front of him in order to get him to fuck you ​hard,​just the way you like it.

You are his, now.

~~~

Hyunjae’s love for you grows like tender flowers. It starts off small, but grows into something lovely and heartbreaking. You have carved your way into him, nestling against the walls of his heart and beseeching him to let you in with your stupid almond eyes.

He loves your stupid almond eyes.

He is on a cloud these days, brimming with affection that lights up his every step. He never considered himself to be one of those annoying, lovey-dovey honeymooners, but he can definitely see where they get their joy from.

Lovers alone wear sunlight.

You become his greatest delight. When you are around, even dust seems to sparkle like a thousand tiny diamonds. He loves waking up with you, your eyes half lidded and neck covered in his marks. He loves to see you in his clothes, smelling of his body wash, smelling of ​him.

(He has an extra special fondness for the days in which you are soft and pliant, allowing him to dress you like a doll. It makes his internal organs feel like they are tumbling over each other, and it makes him a little giddy. He loves taking care of you.)

But if he really had to pick a moment, he supposes he loves you most when you are with your patients, hands calm and steady and strong. It reminds him of everything beautiful there is about his profession, and he cannot get enough.

You are beautiful, in all the ways there are to be beautiful. You race through him like lightning, and he is sucked further into your orbit everyday. You carry his heart with you (inside yours), and you are never without it.

So he is overflowing with love when he picks you up and tastes your peach-covered mouth. He is overflowing with love when you smile at him with a sort of lightness that he's never quite seen directed at him before. He is overflowing with love as he goes to your favourite cafe one day to pick up the chowder you never stop talking about. Tonight, he will ask you to be his girlfriend, make this tentative little dance official.

Perhaps that is why the pain is so exquisite when he sees you with Younghoon, and hears you talking about Eric with such tenderness in your eyes.

“​He’s super enthusiastic and there’s just something about him that’s so... comforting. I see him and I think about nothing but sunshine and warmth and laughter. He’s just... so cheerful, compared to whatever i’ve been used to.​​” Something inside him shatters into a million jagged pieces when he hears the words, and every breath becomes as a blood-drenched ordeal.

Sunshine and warmth and laughter. Sunshine and warmth and laughter. Sunshine and warmth and laughter. The words ring like alarm bells.

Fool. Naive, hopeless fool. You were never really his, were you? You might be the light by which his spirit is born, you might be his sun, moon and stars, but he? He is your nothing. He is the shadow that is birthed of your radiance, forever connected and forever forgotten.

Is this is why storms are named after people? You have destroyed him in the sweetest of ways. Is this taste of heartbreak? Rust coats his tastebuds. Is this how tears are born? The agony is magnificent and all-encompassing. There is nothing left for him here. He has never been enough, never will be.

He leaves quietly, chowder forgotten.

~~~

It is truly repulsive, the fact that he can see what you adore about Eric. The intern is strong and sweet, kind in all the ways Hyunjae is not. He is soft and mellow, and will cool your scalding tantrums with gentle words. He will not stir up the embers of your fury the way Hyunjae does, hoping for a reaction. He will be tender with you, gently laying you out and coaxing your body to sing. He will not be harsh and hard and possessive like Hyunjae, claiming you with bites and bruises and writing his possession into your blood.

He has been measured, and he has been found lacking. Eric is the perfect Hephaesthus, a sweet spring dandelion, and it is no surprise that Zeus will give you to him.

Aphrodite never belonged to Ares, after all.

“Hey, Eric! Do you have a moment?” By some miracle, his voice doesn’t crack.

“Hey, hyung! What can I do for you?” Eric is as mirthful as ever, and Hyunjae wishes they weren’t fighting over the same girl because he might actually ​like the​ intern otherwise.

“Have you gotten Y/N’s number yet?” He pauses to watch the bashful amusement dance across the intern’s face, and waits for the head shake he knows is coming. “Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but she’s very into you. So here’s her number, and make sure you call her, alright?” The teasing lilt he’s going for comes off more as a hoarse croak, and he realises belatedly that he really needs to be less of a shit actor.

“Thank you so much, hyung! But hey, don’t you hate Y/N? Why are you helping her out?” The intern offers him a cheeky grin, and all Hyunjae wants to do is knock his teeth out. But he’s a ​professional,​so he offers Eric a tight smile (read: grimace) and says “Well, maybe I’m hoping you’ll distract her from work so that I’ll get the promotion first.” He tosses a wink in for good measure, before reaching out to ruffle Eric’s hair with a certain sadistic pleasure.

That’s thirty minutes in the bathroom gone down the drain. But that’s what he gets for stealing Hyunjae’s girl.

Of course, because Eric is quite literally an angel who can apparently do no wrong, he gives Hyunjae a sweet smile and rolls away happily in his chair, high off his excitement at finally getting the girl he’s been after for ​ages.

And then Hyunjae is left alone to drown in self-loathing.

Hyunjae is clearly a masochist who likes to hurt himself, so that���s why he decides to tell you to meet him at the carpark after work. One last time, he’ll be the one to drive you home, the one who kisses you goodnight.

He promises he’ll let you go after this.

~~~

The car ride is as quiet as ever. You enjoy being left alone with your thoughts, and Hyunjae isn’t about to interrupt you when he’s being pummeled by his own.

The Japanese once made up a fictional disease to describe the horrors of unrequited love. They call it ​Hanahaki​, in which flowers grow in the lungs of the victims, causing them to cough up petals when they suffer from one-sided love.

He supposes that it is the exact feeling that he feels now. His love for you coils in his chest, choking leaves and thorns that crush his internal organs. It is rooted so deep that it might never leave, killing him softly but surely. The petals tickle his throat in an insidious kiss as he chokes on his desire for you, their softness a poisonous taunt of your lips against his, a feeling he might never know again.

“Are you okay?” Your voice is a balm to his wounded heart.

Of course he’s not okay. He’s in love with you, but you’re not in love with him. He knows that he is nothing without you, and that knowledge is somehow everything.

All this time he wanted to make you his, but you have made him yours.

He cannot form words, so he looks at you, really, really looks at you. He memorises the contours of your face, the slender bone of your nose, the tilt of your eyes, the exact shade of red your lips are. He'll hold every little detail close, remember the last night you're his and his alone, because tomorrow Eric will ask you out and his Aphrodite will never be his again.

He wants to pretend like the sudden moisture in his eyes is surprising, but he can't lie to himself anymore.

Liar, liar. Ares is a liar.

Is this how Lucifer felt when he fell from heaven? You are life, you are life and light and everything bright. And he is cold, dark and alone. He has fallen from grace, and all that is left are the coiling tendrils of hubris keeping his spine straight and gluing the shattered pieces of his heart together. He is heartbroken, but he will clench his teeth and grit through it. Your joy is worth it. His ego won't let him fall apart. He's stronger than this. Isn't he?

Break my heart. Break it into a thousand pieces and then some. It was only ever yours to break anyways.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Anyways, we’re here now. Get out already.” Your scoff is musical. He is aching and he is broken, so he does not have the strength to resist the screaming in his head to steal one last kiss from you. He luxuriates in the feeling of your petal-soft lips against his, before pulling away reluctantly.

Everything is more beautiful because the two of you are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. You will never share this moment again.

“Goodbye, kitten.”

The words are far more permanent than he likes. You don’t hear them.

His tears run as he pulls out of your driveway. He allows himself one last look at you, confusion blossoming on the face he once swore was hideous but now haunts his every moment.

Love is fire. It burns as much as it warms, and he is the poor fool who allowed himself to get scarred.

~~~

Crossing the line from enemies to lovers was a wheeling drop of ecstasy and biting kisses. Crossing the line from lovers back to co-workers is a study in heartbreak, and Hyunjae doesn't know how much longer he can handle it.

How do I forget you? I've tasted your secrets on my lips and drank the whispers of your body. You are the weakness in my bones and the hollowness in my lungs. How do I cleave my soul from yours, when you are the drum that my heart beats to?

It is an awful sort of pain, feeling his chest cave in when he watches Eric roll over to you from his cubicle. You find him cute, it's obvious from the way your eyes crinkle like little stars when you regard him.

Look at me. Look only at me.

You look up, searching for his eyes like you’ve heard his prayer. You're expecting jealousy, disdain, fury. You're expecting him to drag you to the pantry, to call you ​kitten ​and kiss you till you bleed. But Hyunjae has no more poison to offer you. He is empty, and all he can do is give you a blank look. He hopes you will be happy, silently wishing you the best.

Hephaestus gets Aphrodite, and all Ares can do is watch. Bloody, brutal Ares is never the winner.

His lack of response throws you off. By now, you are used to his hissy fits, his seething rages. But who is he? What right does he have? You are not his to rage over, or his to claim. You might wear his marks on your neck, but you are definitely not ​his.

How he wishes you were. But wishes are like pixie dust, and this is no fairytale.

The rest of the day is agonising. His body is so keenly attuned to yours now, and he doesn’t know how to rewire himself. He keeps a cool distance from you, but every molecule in his being roars in fury at the forced detachment.

He misses you already.

You continue to press him, trying to push his buttons and rile him up. Hyunjae studiously ignores you, hoping his coldness will further fray the ropes holding up the fragile bridge of a relationship that the two of you have developed. You are looking at him with a strange mix of anger, disdain and annoyance. For a second, he thinks he might even see-

Is that? Could it be? Longing? Do you miss him like he misses you?

Wishful thinking. That’s what it is. But it hurts so bad that he decides that he’s just going to avoid you from now on, until he finds a more appropriate coping mechanism than simply crying like a toddler when he can’t get his way.

Maybe he should call Minhee, and try to rekindle-

He cuts the thought off before it dredges up more painful memories. All he can see when he thinks of Minhee are the one-thousand-and-one different ways you exceed her.

You’re fiercer, with more spine. You don’t give in as easily. You’re not afraid to fight with him. You have a kinder heart. You are so much smarter. Your lips are softer. Your hand fits into his so much more perfectly. You are lovely in all the ways she never was, never will be.

It is a numbing, novocaine relief when Dr Choi summons him for rounds. If Hyunjae is left for even a second longer with his thoughts, he might just spiral into a pit of depressed longing and self pity that he might never emerge from.

Mighty Ares, on his knees. Aphrodite’s laughter perfumes the air, irresistible and menacing.

~~~

He is on his final round when he meets Mrs Kang. The kind, old lady takes one look at him, eyes lighting up with knowledge that he wishes she wasn’t able to glean so easily.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Well he doesn’t, but the words explode out of his bleeding heart like ink spilling on ivory pages.

“I... I thought that it would be okay, that I could forget and let go and that it would all be fine and good but then… I saw her--” his voice cracks miserably as a lump etches itself into his throat. His heart is racing, and every inhale feels like swallowing glass shards.

“I saw her and something went terribly wrong because I couldn’t forget and my heart was remembering and I felt like I was dying but I couldn’t do anything because all I want is for her to be happy and I know that happiness isn’t with me and I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.”

Mrs Kang is silent, regarding him with a look he can’t quite decipher. He takes it as an invitation to continue.

“I wish I was him. I wish I was the one who could make her smile, make her laugh. But I’m angry, I’m jealous and I’m immature. I’m overly competitive, and I don’t know how to lose graciously. When I’m pissed, I do stupid, radical things.”

Silence. Inside, outside. It is deafening.

“Why would she want me? I don’t deserve her, and knowing that I’ll have to live my life watching her in another man’s arms is ripping me apart.”

He’s breathing hard, like he just ran a marathon. It’s a terrifying prospect, facing his feelings head on. Until now, they were swirling around his head in an ugly tangle of emotion. Verbalising them, hearing them out loud, is painful and cathartic at once. But he’s already feeling like a pathetic little sap. He wonders if you would sneer at him if you heard. Is this what it feels like to lose? Is this how you felt, lifetimes ago, on your sofa? The two of you have always been push and pull, a forever impasse. But today, you’ve finally shoved him off balance.

Who is the stronger Ares now? Your kisses are his kryptonite.

A hand comes to rest over his.

“Love always finds a way. I know you’re feeling hopeless now, but know that if you are meant for each other, you will always find your way back,” Mrs Kang finishes with a gentle smile. The pretty words do not reassure him.

If only love was as perfect as love seems to be, if only his flaws and broken edges could be hidden away. But this is a dream that will never come to life, a flower that will never grow to bloom.

She does not know who it is that he is fighting with, who it is that is slipping away from him with every passing second. She thinks that it will be okay, but she does not know that Ares has no mercy. He expects none from you. Nonetheless, he gives her a watery grin in return before standing up to complete his rounds. He may have lost, but he has enough composure to know better than to break in public.

It is a monumental effort, holding it together.

Hyunjae makes it to the lift in peace, stepping in through the shiny doors and slamming the button for the fifth floor. When they slide open, the sight before him makes his heart drop like a wineglass.

You and Eric are standing across him, hand in hand. Eric’s foot is tapping impatiently, eager to drag you off to wherever he was taking you for dinner.

For a second, he loses control over his emotions. Agony crumples his face, and you, because you’re just that smart and just that perceptive, register it. He doesn’t have the heart to pretend anymore.

Hyunjae brushes past the two of you, ignoring your questioning look, ignoring Eric’s cheerful greeting, and most importantly ignoring the writhing in his chest. He goes straight for his briefcase and shoves his belongings in, flicking the lights off and rushing to the carpark. He does not want to see anyone. He does not want to process anything.

He is empty. So, so empty, and hollow. The void inside him threatens to consume him whole.

The moment he reaches home, he goes straight to his spirits. There’s a bottle of whiskey sitting in the top most shelf of his kitchen, a birthday gift from his father. He pulls it down, slamming the glass decanter onto the kitchen counter, and the pressure nearly cracks it open.

He remembers the sight of you pressed up against this very counter, squirming under his ministrations. He remembers your lips fall open in a sigh, and then to beg. He remembers standing between your thighs, feeding you and then licking cream off your lips. Memories swirl through his head, cutting through his ribcage and slicing his heart open.

He doesn’t bother to grab a glass, pouring the scorching liquid down his throat. It claws at him, and he welcomes the pain.

Love is cruel, love is cold. When it kills, it does it slow.

He knows the tears are coming. The pressure has been building in his head for the last twenty-four hours. They fall as he walks over to the living room, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

The mirror you clutched when you moaned wretchedly, promising him that HE was the only one who could ever ruin you this way.

He lifts the bottle, forcing himself to look his reflection in the eye as he drinks a toast to Eric. ​Here’s to you, buddy.

His reflection sneers back, bloodshot and desolate. A half of a whole, incomplete. This is what he is without you.

Hyunjae sinks to the ground, bottle thumping down on the carpet. It rolls once, twice, and rivulets of alcohol splash across the floor. Another memory lunges up.

There is nothing more striking than red on white. Blood on snow. Wine on cream skin, tracing paths his eager tongue follows. A hiss of anger that softens into a sigh.

The sofa smells like you. The study smells like you. You are everywhere, and it breaks him, tearing a wail of grief out of his chest.

One day, the smell of you will fade. You will slip between his fingers like the wisp of a dream, and all he will be left with is the recollection of the fleeting seconds you were his and his alone.

Too much. This is too much. He cannot think, he cannot see, he cannot ​breathe,​without being haunted by you. You are in every orifice, in every nook and cranny and cell. You are in the water of his blood and in the porous hollows of his bones. You are in the fibre between his atoms, you are in the electricity racing across his neurons. 

There is no escape from you, not now, not ever.

You are inevitable.

(Knock, knock)

It takes him a moment to realise that the pounding is not from the blood rushing in his head, but from someone impatiently banging on his door. He picks himself off the floor, not bothering to fix his appearance.

By now, you must be in Eric’s arms. He would kiss you softly, like summer rain. You would sigh into his lips, and he would look at you like you hung the moon. He would take you home, and press more kisses into your silk skin as he whispers his love. One day, he would get on one knee and present you with a diamond. You would say yes, because Eric is sunshine and warmth and laughter. Sunshine. Warmth. Laughter.

This, this is what you deserve. Not him, not his twisted mess of anger and jealousy. He is a stinging scorpion, and you deserve more than his petty poisons. But his heart still lurches at the thought of you, nestled into Eric.

The gods have always feared Aphrodite more than Ares. He thinks he can finally understand why.

He swings the door open, and once again forgets how to breathe, forgets how to think, forgets that he kinda hates you but now kinda loves you because there you are, raindrops glistening in your eyelashes, and you eclipse every star in the sky. There is nothing but you and you alone, and his withered little heart is shooting to life because ​that’s just what you do to him. There’s so much he wants to say, so many thoughts tumbling through his head. But he’s a frightful, useless coward, so all that flies out of his mouth is:

“Why the fuck are you--”

And then your lips are cushioned against his, kissing the venom out of him. He cannot help the sigh he breathes into your mouth at the way your body slots so perfectly against his.

Home, home is in your arms. He has been running all his life, and you have always been his only destination.

Tears slip out, hot and fast, washing the festering wound inside him clean. The cracked pieces of his soul begin to lift up and fuse together.

The light of a thousand suns slices through the void in him, and the darkness melts like ice on a hot summer day.

He is shuddering, wrecked by the sheer ​force​ of the emotions in him. But you are holding him tight, so very tight. He hopes you will never let him go. ​Never ever, ever let him go.

He is yours, and you are his. Where he ends, you begin and where you end, he begins. There is nothing else, no one else, because there was never anyone for him but you. Love not at first sight, or even the second, but at last sight and at ever and ever sight.

When you finally pull away to murmur the words he would have never even dreamed of hearing from you, it’s like starlight is filling the dusty hollows of his chest, sewing the pieces that have fallen apart back into the tapestry that is you. He is surprised, he really is, but something inside him has always known, has always clung to the hope that you would choose him, despite everything.

All that matters, is that you’ve come back to him. You are the only truth he’s ever known.

~~~ 

Later in the evening, when the two of you are spent from your love-making and coiled so tightly that your breaths have become one, Hyunjae takes a moment to contemplate the situation. You have won this competition between the two of you. You have planted yourself as first in his life, and for once (​and of course, the only time ever, because he is still going to get that damn promotion before you)​, he is happy to cede to you. This is what love is, to break and to be broken, to be full and to be empty, to win and to lose. He would have it no other way. All that he is, and all that he will be, center around the axis that is you.

Do you feel like this too? Like your heart is bursting from the seams?

You sigh in your sleep, seemingly agreeing. He loves you so much, it hurts. But there is one final thing to do.

He lifts his head to the stars, who have been waiting for this collision of souls for a long, long time.

Thank you, he whispers.

And for once, Zeus smiles down on his Ares.

ENDING THOUGHTS:

First of all, a very big thank you to everyone who made it to the end!! This piece has been a wild, emotional ride from start to finish and I understand that the sudden change in style can be jarring for some. As such, I am very grateful to everyone who took the time to read it :)

Hyunjae has always been a very complicated character. We’ve seen him through Y/N’s eyes for the last 17 or so chapters, and she is definitely not the most reliable of narrators. Many of her thoughts regarding his actions and motivations are shadowed by her own negative emotions, and he has come off as a rather poisonous character, except for the rare moments of tenderness he seems to show. Hopefully this will help you get a glimpse into Hyunjae’s psyche, in a way that is untainted by Y/N. I’ve seen many of your asks about Hyunjae and his behaviour, and perhaps you will see this as a sort of redemption for him, in the sense that he is so much deeper and complex than the seething neanderthal Y/N sees him as.

Writing this was a challenge nonetheless, and I think we should all be very grateful to Dana for powering through Y/N and Hyunjae’s story, given how much of a hot mess this couple is! It’s very hard to write an enemies-to-lovers fic without it coming off as corny and shallow, and she had the double struggle of writing that dynamic in a medical setting. The fact that we’re all whipped for these two is testament to her brilliant writing, so let’s all say a big thank you for that :))

Before I end, I’d like to pay homage to some of the writers that have inspired this fic. Reading through, you will see quotes inspired by the likes of Nabokov, Cummings and Homer. If I’m not wrong, there’s a little bit of Sarah J Maas and Caitlyn Siehl in there as well. And of course, who can forget the little bits of mythology peeking out here and there? If you happened to notice these references, feel free to scream in Dana’s ask box! It’ll be fun to read your thoughts :)

Once again, a very big thank you for following Hostis so devotedly, and showering Dana with your love. I hope you’ll continue to give her all your love and support the rest of her works.

(P.S Did anyone notice Pilot! Juyeon? If you didn’t, you should 1000% check out his story too, here.)

Love Always,

V

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter XVIII: Renuntiatio

[davidmann95]

John Wick Livetweet Transcript

Spoilers, clearly

(With a couple minor spelling corrections and slight editing for clarity and to suit my usual format on here)

Tonight, with the intent of watching part 2 tomorrow and the new one on the big screen next weekend, I'm finally gonna watch the movie where the mob kills Keanu Reeves' dog and therefore Keanu Reeves must kill the entire mob.

I know 3 things about John Wick besides the premise: 1. He is not the boogeyman, he is the one you send to kill him. 2. There's a bit where he syncs his gunshots in a club with the music to go undetected. 3. Someone asks if he is back and he confirms that he is, in fact, back.

Extremely looking forward to an old dude probably muttering "Baba Yaga" in horrified awe right before Keanu Reeves shoots him in the face.

The opening radio narration is talking about a storm having passed, I assume in symbolic reference to John Wick no longer destroying fools post-retirement. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW.

Holy cow, I thought that mysterious figure in the shadows had something of a Williem Dafoe-esque shape to his jawline, I didn't know it was actually gonna be him

Still basically the opening and Reeves is doing some damn *acting*

Laughing out loud at the cereal bit

Oh shit, this music is WAY too loud and angry for it not to be the fools who are gonna kill the dog

Nice

Wait, WHAT? Is John Wick gonna be a pilot?

No, they just let him angrily drift all over the airfield all day, which makes sense because if he asked if he could there is no way they would say no. Bet he saved the boss’s family or something and he got a lifetime pass.

He and the dog have too much chemistry, they should have just maimed it so it could come back in the finale to help kill everyone

The sound design here is fantastically brutal, and I love the recurring jagged, unnaturalistic visual storytelling as he’s overcome by grief.

Ghhaaa the collar, ghaaa him scrubbing the floor so gently as he’s containing his rage

After all that he *thinks* he’ll keep the car, watching this dude be annihilated is going to be AMAZING

John Wick you clearly live in an extremely upscale neighborhood, how did you acquire public transportation while covered in blood

This car dude is AMAZING, at first because of his reaction when he realizes exactly what’s going to happen and then him cold not giving a shit. I understand already why people talk about these movies having amazing walk-on side characters.

“...oh.”

Who’s Viggo’s right hand man? Swear I recognize him, is he he dude who plays Chaos or Bad Luck or whatever it is in those insurance commercials, plus probably substantially bigger roles that are what I should be remembering?

Impressive framing with how Viggo is immediately visibly freaked out and in over his head yet still palpably a figure of Power and Menace.

BABA YAGA

The intensity of the hammering in sync with what part of the story is being told, so so good

Okay, how did he think that call was going to go

This dress-up scene is very aesthetically pleasing

Baba Yaga

Okay, that first fight slapped and made me absolutely believe this man has a preternatural capacity for violence after a half hour of understandable sadness, but the doorbell and what immediately followed was so much better

Everything looks and sounds and feels so smooth, and I do mean that on a sensory level. Like, this is a physically pleasant movie to watch.

Willem Dafoe’s got a whole thing with looming ominously in the foreground going on here, huh

This movie is killer with organically implied history, down to this latest little snarl of “Perkins”

I wonder how much of what we’ll never see has actually been worked out by the writers and actors, and how much is simply “He’s John Wick, Shit Happened”.

Lovin’ the sinister jazz

Dammit, Perkins is so gonna try and violate the rules of the Continental and thereby incur a *heavy* penalty

Ah, nevermind (for now), and whatzisface is a good egg

Surprise surprise, I absolutely thought he was just gonna use a coin to cut in line

Cackling at “Hello, Francis.” He knows EVERYONE. Honestly not surprised he was able to open up and find true love, John Wick has clearly always been incredibly sociable.

Gotta go on hold for a bit to allow buffering, but jeez,  why didn’t culture at large spend the last 5 years telling me I should watch this?

I’m back, as is John Wick even if he hasn’t dramatically declared it yet.

I’m pretty sure the intensity with which Keanu Reeves stared into that one mook’s eyes as he bled out did more to kill him than the knife.

The MOMENT Wick and the brat lock eyes and the latter finally grasps the gravity of the situation.

These partygoers are just beautifully out of it, and also beautiful: this doomed fool’s mustache.

Think I hit the shot-syncing, even better was him exasperatedly reloading to kill the guy.

That tiny bit of blood splatter on the camera for a second

Surprisingly, mustache guy’s undoing was actually his beard!

Wick yelling not really because he’s been shot but because the guy got away meaning this whole night was a bust, right before going back into it.

Love me a good ominous declaration by a protagonist over the phone.

I don’t know the murder hotel etiquette and perhaps they have history too, but I really feel like John should be thanking the guy behind the counter for his excellent service at this point.

I knew it!

There’s a clear demarcation between how John Wick’s essentially superhuman and what he’s merely very good at, and that is not going in his favor right now.

So much quality acting in the space of about 3 seconds of changes in facial expressions from Adrianne Palicki.

Not positive this church music will convert into a glorious orchestral violence soundtrack, but it seems like a safe enough bet.

That, uh, was not the slow burn I was anticipating. Kinda wish he’d responded to “Do you know who you’re FUCKING with?” with “Yeah, some motherfucker who’s not John Wick.”

Literally repressed a squeal at “Uh-huh.”

Failed entirely to suppress a laugh at “Have a nice day.”

PriiiIIIIIceless!!!!!!!

Quality villain speech, but same as with the phone call: what response exactly was he expecting?

Putting the subtitles on Baba Yaga at this point is basically a Claremontism.

HE’S BACK

Owowowowowbitingow

Aw, cool it, John.

Well, that was as satisfying as could have been hoped for, but how are there 25 minutes left?

Glad he finally said thank you.

Ah, that’s how.

Between lingering on Dafoe taking his off and how Wick wears his, wondering if watches are gonna be a thing for the end here or in the next one.

Perkins’ little silent ‘oohhhh’.

The Ominous Foreground Energy has transferred to his vanquisher.

By thine own hhaaaand

Harry’s back! I like Harry, seems real salt-of-the-Earth.

Viggo finally realizing whose movie he’s in

He’s basically using the car as goddamn body armor and the lackey is still trying to make a plan

You gotta be kiddin’ me with where he’s getting these medical supplies. Not at all a complaint, but wow.

He looks so frustrated by his own pain more than agonized.

And credits are rolling, folks! This has been a journey.

My big thought: the big villain speech about John is right, but not in the way Viggo thinks. He hasn’t changed, but that’s because his capacity for being a (by the standards of his profession) decent dude was always in there.

He’d be dead or stymied a dozen times over in here if not for the connections he built up over the years before we or likely even his wife met him, and half the time they’re willing to break the *strictly* enforced rules or go against their own interests to help him.

He’s not a monster who found and lost redemption, he’s a dude who just incredibly, unstoppably Gives A Shit, who for a time found something better to devote that to. And even now those around him respond to that and respect that.

Not that that might not lead him into ruin, but everything we see and all the ripple effects of what we don’t tell us that this is who he’s always been, in ways good and bad, and that’s what saves and damns him.

Also I’m pretty sure the lady who dropped off the dog at the beginning is literally the only character who speaks so much as a single line (other than a few yelling in a fight) who doesn’t have a visible personality. Everyone is someone in this baby.

Thinking when I watch 2 I’ll just react to that after the fact, so I’ll leave it here for now.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Morose Mononokean II 4 - 7 | Mob Psycho 100 II 4 - 7 | My Roommate is a Cat 4 - 6 | Double Decker! EX 1 | Egao no Daika 5 - 7 | Shield Hero 4 - 6 | Magical Girl Spec Ops Asuka 4 - 6 | Royal Tutor movie

Morose Mononokean II 4

Aw, another little fuzzball to steal away my heart? I’m being spoiled, aren’t I?

For some reason, this episode was meant to be really emotional, but I felt pretty restless while watching it. Probably because I was thinking about playing Merc Storia all that time.

Mob Psycho 100 II 4

Didn’t expect Shinra to be back after his previous appearance…

Notably, you’d expect Matsuo’s name to have the kanji for “pine tree” in it, but it doesn’t - it has the kanji for “demon” and then one more.

I loved it when FLCL and SGRS went into manga mode, but for some reason, the transition into manga mode didn’t land as well here…hmm.

“I’ll go inside her…With an out-of-body experience.” - That sounds majorly wronggggggggggg, Mob, y’know? Even with context.

I find it interesting Mob perceives himself to be naked…as in, unguarded. He’s fine as he is and doesn’t need to change…in some ways, anyway. He could probably do with a few more emotions, but you get what I mean.

Wha-wha-wha-whoaaaaaaaaa. You mean, Mogami just got rid of Mob’s powers??? That is a nasty cliffhanger!

My Roommate is a Cat 4

Just seeing Hiroto near Kawase’s armpit…so unfazed…it’s kinda funny, but only mildly.

Tuxedo cat…ergh. The differences between American and British English never ceases to trip me up…I mean, the term makes sense…it’s just the differences between the types of English I’m annoyed at.

If you observe the OP, you’ll see Haru has that collar…I’m not sure if that’s meant to be a spoiler then…

Haru basically has the mindset of Kaguya and Shirogane, which makes this hilarious (and yet it’s still justified due to being a believable mindset for a stray!).

S-Smug dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get out of the way of Haru-chan!

Shield Hero 4

“Draw your swords!” – Wasn’t there a rule saying Naofumi can’t use a sword anyway? Plus, Motoyasu has a spear, not a sword…

Balloon? Now, that’s funny!

Using magic to intervene is the cowardly action, methinks, Myne.

I find it interesting Naofumi sees Raphtalia as a little girl – it’s a perception of vulnerability, potentially weakness – when things are shown through his perspective.

Falling Through Starlight is beautiful, y’know that? Be-a-uuuuuuuuuuu-t-i-ful!

Magical Girl Spec Ops Asuka 4

Interestingly, Francine kinda looks like Mami (Madoka Magica).

Wait, is this woman Miura? (Sorry, I’m just wondering why Abigail – the blonde evil magical girl – would choose to use yakiniku to threaten people…)

Oh dear…it’s that train question (save one or save many).

Neding authority before you can actually do anything legal…now that sounds like Double Decker.

“Chef”? I was mortified when it came to the rusalka scene…but I think we already know why Povar is a chef…

CQC? Close quarters combat? Ooh, I’ve never heard it abbreviated before.

Well, I like how Povar and Rusalka Man (can’t spell Russian to save my life) always keep their salaries in mind. Makes them easier to see as evil.

Egao no Daika 5

Oh, this series has two moons? Kind of like Double Decker’s two suns, yeah?

I just realised Lily’s the only one with a skirt on her suit…

Morose Mononokean II 5

I don’t think I’ve seen a Fuzzy-centric episode ever since the first time we met the furball…

That hand on neck thing is apparently a CIA technique if I interpreted it right…just, it’s applied to a purple/white lion, so it’s hard to tell whether it’s the real thing…

Fluffy tadpole is best tadpole. All fluffy things are cute to me, even the lethal ones…I guess.

Seriously, if someone doesn’t call the animation of the Executive sakuga, I don’t know sakuga! That crow is some fancy animation!

Hanae’s mother is scarier than most youkai, given she can give me a nasty jump scare!

Mob Psycho II 5

This episode’s called Discord…which maks me think of the chat program of the same name…weird, huh?

Notably, it’s Dimple’s voice coming from Mob’s mouth…hmm.

That episode was real cool…it’s too bad by turning off the volume at the wrong time, I missed the Sajou no Hana song…

My Roommate is a Cat 5

Roku, Nana, Hachi…haha.

I noticed Haru has smaller eyes than Hachi…aside from the collar of course.

Aw…reunion too cute. I honestly think that this show has a fairly effective use of “filling in the gaps”, as it were, and thus making good use of cuts.

Double Decker! EX 1

Yep, we’re back with Double Decker!!! I’m glad to see it back, really.

Wait…ohhhhhhhhh. So Double Decker! doesn’t just refer to the bus in this show or the system. It means “2 Detectives” in Japanese (in a codeswitching sort of way). It was wordplay all along! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! I get it now!

This Deana assassin stuff must be a lie…

(after the commercial break) C’mon, Kirill, buddy. You’re drunk, y’know that, right…? Right??? Update: Oh, not drunk, dreaming. My mistake.

Oh, I was just saying that My Roommate is a Cat dos a nice job “filling in gaps”. Didn’t realise Double Decker did it as well. Also, how the heck is Doug unpopular with women???

So…Kirill actually got hired based on his feminine looks? Geesh, that Travis…

The thing I missed about this show was not being able to play the ED after an episode, so I’m glad to have it back!

Spec Ops Asuka 5

Having Kurumi fix up Nozomi’s arm kind of erases the consequences…but that’s what Kurumi’s for, right?

Barber Scissors…? Is this what happens when you take Kill la Kill way too seriously?

Wowee. Din’t think Sacchuu was capable of dealing nasty punches as well.

There’s gotta be some sort of parallel between Abigail and the queen vs Asuka and Kurumi…

Post-credits segment. Keep watching.

Shield Hero 5

Headbutt to the nuts! Oof!

When it comes to races, the one tune that comes to mind is one from the Dog Island (track 22 from this YouTube playlist).

I swear there was CGI during the race…on Filo.

Please don’t make jokes about Naofumi liking lolis, people. This is not that type of show…

Mononokean 6

Is it just me, or has this epiode been relying on the use of blue speech bubbles for humour more than normal?

It’s Mononokean: Sports Anime edition!

For some reason, I find the name “trashboat” hilarious. It was probably just “ponkotsu” (piece of trash) in practice, but the variation in English is really something to behold…

Ashiya sleeps like an old man, LOL. It must be cosy in that bed…

Moja is just adorable in whatever scene it appears in! Even Moja being dragged down a stream is cute~!

Relaxing your shoulders, huh? That reminds me that that’s a destress technique I haven’t used in a while. My head’s been spinning while I was trying to watch this episode, so I should probably get back to trying to do that stuff…after this episode, of course.

Price of Smiles 6

You think Spec Ops Asuka looks bad? Look at Price of Smiles melt in this “Yuni! You should recover!” scene.

For some reason, this one dude (I forget his name) being a father surprises me. He looks like the type to be single…

The female version of the name “Noel” is Noelle…get that right, people!

Layla’s right when she says one of the main causes of war is the struggle for resources and wealth.

Mob Psycho II 6

I noticed instead of a Mac or something, the computer is a “One” computer.

The board says something a lot more complicated than Saitama’s routine…which means One likes exercise. Maybe…probably.

“Codomo” phone, LOL.

The last time I heard of tofu in anime that I remember…was Boueibu. Something about Ryuu killing a man with tofu.

Somehow it didn’t occur to me until the eyecatch was over but the block…was tofu!

How do you even get drunk when there’s no alcohol in the drink??? (LOL)

Oh! Shinra again!

…Also Jodo Kirin!

Shield Hero 6

Naofumi is giving 0 f**ks about the dressmaker’s love of Filo.

Why is Filo CGI…? It looks unnerving, to be honest with you.

My Roommate is a Cat 6

Eleventh grade…16? 17? Heck, Yugo looks 27, not 17!

Notably, “Comic Polaris” is the name of the magazine that publishes the manga of this. Hence “Novels Polaris”.

Heck, Subaru. In the internet age in particular, people write to affect others. I should know, as someone who did just that just a few years ago!

Oushitsu Kyoushi Heine movie

Yay, we’re back! Crunchyroll bringing over movies is definitely increasing my workload for these commentaries, so with all the new things I’ve added to my lists of priorities as of late, I wonder if I can keep up…

Hitting us with CGI in the first minute of the movie…oh man, how far does CGI go these days???

Honestly, in my brain Wagner (Classicaloid) = the twins (this movie) = the Beppus (Boueibu LOVE! LOVE!). They’re very similar in terms of personality…

In the same way, Bruno = Schubert from Classicaloid (but swap one’s Sensei for the other’s Senpai).

Licht = Motz.

It seems like someone liked ponytail!Licht enough to keep him here. So it really wasn’t just me, huh?

Seriously, what’s this “God of War” stuff anyway???

Man, vocal exercises? This takes me back to my piano-playing days…I was a sightreader and only had to do one of the two (out of sightreading and vocal stuff), but there was someone else who had to do both.

This piano is bugging me. Its white keys are black and its black keys are white!

Somehow, Heine’s small top hat suits him. It’s probably because he wears a small beret in that same position usually.

More CGI background characters…*sigh*

Hmm…soft power at its finest(?)

Seriously though, why did that evil Duke guy appear in this movie again??? He has zero use plotwise. Sure, he was important in the first season and if we ever get a second he’ll be important there, but here? Nada!

Have you noticed Heine is in all those dance positions a girl would normally be in??? Hmm! Interesting! But still…if there’s one thing I ever missed from the anime’s experience, it would be-oh, scratch that! This is my cue to watch the cheesy live-action dance ending! I missed it so much!

Egao no Daika 7

Seriously…who is Eins talking to??? Whose emperor???

They still haven’t revealed what this new guy’s name is, even after his introduction…well, technically he was introduced at the River Deese, but we still didn’t learn his name then. (Did we?)

Spec Ops Asuka 6

Is Mia just this show’s version of Kyouko (from Madoka Magica, but American of course)???

Oooooookay, that (with the kissing and stuff) is so not what foreigners are like, people…

Oh, goodness. Have I really been living with this stuff (girl x girl teasing, with Kurumi in particular being one of the more extreme examples I’ve seen) in my magical girl anime for years now? I mean, Suite PreCure is laced with the stuff…

If ordinary rigor mortis business is at work, then I’d say the heater is to speed up the rotting of the corpse…

LOL, there’s Halloween-class…and then there’s Voorhees-class…how appropriate for Disas.

“Only one of the Magical Five would’ve known about that phrase.” – My bets are on Peipei, but we’ll find out for sure…someday.

Mononokean 7

As much as I found the pillow fight scene with Fuzzy in it funny, I swear Abeno is a bit too sadistic for my own good. What is it with some women and their sadistic kinks…?

Abeno calling Ashiya “hunk of junk” makes me think Ashiya isn’t much of a Sousuke (from Classicaloid), but they do have a lot of similar character traits, now that I think of it…hmm.

For some reason, I think Abeno knew the conditions of the deal and what the deal entailed in advance, hence the training camp.

Seiza…means sitting on the floor in the position Ashiya was in (knees to the floor etc).

Mob Psycho II 7

“Cheeseburger Tornado”, LOL.

When Reigen got angry at the TV, I was just like, “It’s Shield Hero (Mob Psycho version)!” I.e. you con the conman and not turn the conned into a conman…or something like that.

Those microphones are so obviously CGI, people…

I know I’m a fan of Yuzuru Tachikawa, but episode 5 actually didn’t do too much for me, to be honest (even though it was visual spectacle, which is Tachikawa’s strong suit). However, while episode 7 looked less punchy overall, it was miles better…

“First-press limited edition? That is the absolute best decision.” – What is that referring to??? Update: It’s referring to the BDs...or DVDs...or both.

Update: Forgot to add Double Decker to the title and tags.

[nightincider]

A Somewhat Skewed Guide to Listening to Taylor Swift

I wrote this for a friend a year ago who was interested in getting into Taylor Swift and had no idea where to start - this is by no means a formal review, but a casual personal overview on Taylor Swift that I thought would be amusing to post here. 

Warning: unfiltered, unedited rambling :’D 

Disclaimer: I confess I’m not familiar with 100% of her discography (I usually don’t listen to the bonus tracks/know all of her standalones)

Note: I will be going in chronological order of her discography even though that’s not how my journey through her stuff went

Taylor Swift (2006)

don’t listen to this if you actually hate country music bc this is defs more on the country side of her country-pop crossover (mandolins, banjos, thankfully no annoying vocal twang)

this album is a great insight to her roots as a songwriter but it’s best enjoyed if you already like her, it’s like peeking into the old diary of someone you admire

Picture to Burn - hilarious breakup song trash talking an ex about how his pickup truck is stupid (you think I’m kidding but I’m not), video is awesome and shows her band trashing his house. I once sang this at karaoke and my friend fucking died and she didn’t believe the lyrics were actually a T Swift song

Mary’s Song (Oh My My My) - a really pretty, sappy gem about a long term love

everything else I could take or leave tbh

Fearless (2008)

tbh I still don’t “get” this album bc it’s a bit immature for my tastes but I’m sure young teen me would have loved it if it came out then. But overall I feel like this album only disappoints me bc her later work is so much better. Otherwise it’s actually pretty great

Fearless - the title song for good reason, appropriate way to begin the album and starts off with the attitude of facing love with a, you guessed it, fearless outlook

Love Story - ok the Romeo & Juliet ref and the sappy lyrics are kinda cringeworthy but overlooking that it is probably one of her most well-written pop songs to date in terms of the melody, arrangement, catchiness etc and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for this

Breathe (feat. Colbie Caillat) - understated soft, sad pretty track

Forever and Always - I really love the melody in this one and the mentions of rain. This feels like the precursor to Mine (off Speak Now), except the relationship in the song didn’t actually work out

Change - notably NOT about relationships but about looking forward to positive changes and winning in life whatnot. It’s uplifting and I see it as the prequel to Long Live (from Speak Now)

everything else is not bad but doesn’t quite make my favs like this list. shoot me but I find Fifteen and You Belong With Me way overrated

 Speak Now (2010)

supposedly before writing this album Swift wanted to go with the concept “Enchanted” (which is one of the songs as well) but her label told her she needed to show she was maturing and not make an album that was basically Fearless 2.0 so she opted for the idea of “Speak Now”, which is total (sometimes brutal) honesty

This album does indeed speak her mind, in the sad, happy, and even embarrassing ways (coughs the title track is about her fantasizing about crashing her ex’s wedding and stealing him away and makes comments about how the bride’s gown looks like a pastry)

Before Red, Swift released a lot of singles w/ multiple versions, usually a US (read: more country) and international (read: more pop/rock) one.

IMO, the singles on Speak Now (Mine, Back to December, Story of Us) sound way, way better on the international edition. So please try to find those versions!

Mine - please check out the international version it’s miles better than the US version (more driving rhythm/urgency, better guitar riff, the US version is too laid back IMO)

Sparks Fly - a song about undeniable chemistry, the chorus is one of my favs

Back to December - slow, sad, and beautiful.  I almost cried over this. I prefer this to Dear John bc it’s not as brutal and more accessible (Dear John is great too but really hard to listen to that often). Again international version is better bc the mandolin part in the US version is annoying.

Mean - kind of childish but that’s why I love it, it’s the pop song equivalent of a kid sticking their tongue out at their bullies on the playground

The Story of Us - not as emotionally wrenching as a lot of the other breakup songs but probably the catchiest and I love the beat

Enchanted - love at first sight type song. I really like the song structure (especially how it builds up) and instrumentation, and the bridge stanza is my favorite

Better Than Revenge - T Swift doing Paramore 

Innocent - T Swift doing Evanescence, also I think that song was a jab back at Kanye West lmfao

Long Live - song about taking on the world, proving ppl wrong, having great adventures, I wish I could someday feel worthy of singing this song

the one dud IMO is Never Grow Up (it’s kinda boring plus I think she was too young to write well from the perspective of a parent).

Red (2012)

This was THE album that converted me to the cult of Swift and I hope it converts you too

I confess I only really noticed the beauty of Speak Now bc I went back and listened to it properly after I got tired of spinning Red during my commute

Fun fact: I only bothered to give this album a try after my white hipster bestie (whom I had a huge gross crush on at the time) rec’d it and I was like wtf at first but he was like no really give it a shot, so I did.

Red is every bit as honest as Speak Now but it’s not as bitter or playful it’s more sad and resigned and more nostalgic, wistful, you get it...

It’s painful for me to rec my favs from it bc I’d say the ENTIRE FUCKING ALBUM but I’ll. try. /grits teeth

State of Grace - those drums! that guitar! that whole “we’re on a journey and it’s beginning” feel…  this is her strongest album opening track to date (1989 totally bombed in that aspect, fuck Welcome to New York)

Red - I don’t know how a song has literally 2 unique melody lines but still manages to be so amazing. Unfair.

Treacherous - the whole excitement of falling in love with someone that you probably shouldn’t but presented in an unexpectedly tender way

All Too Well - by this point Swift has a trend of making song #5 the sad slow ballad (it’s a thing her fans have noticed). This song hits me hard on a personal level bc it reminds me of my 2.5 year relationship that ended and it’s incredibly well-written, from the lyrics reminiscing on the past to taking you back into that moment during the choruses, also the bridge just breaks me. This is probably the pinnacle of sad breakup songs and you cannot convince me otherwise

I Almost Do - All Too Well’s more timid but no less heartbreaking cousin

Holy Ground - this is kind of the banner song of the album despite not being the title track. While Red is meant to set the backdrop for this album’s themes, this song embodies the core of the album best IMO. And it has a danceable beat to boot.

Sad Beautiful Tragic - I used to skip this a lot after Holy Ground bc it’s a bit of a downer but it has an understated beauty

Starlight - want to see Swift write fanfiction? well here’s your chance. This song is about Ethel and Bobby Kennedy as teenagers. also embarrassing confession: I want to sing this at my own wedding if I ever get married someday. Best part is the piano line that evokes twinkling stars

I’m rather indifferent to the big pop singles in this album (I Knew You Were Trouble, 22, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. They’re good but, ultimately the best stuff is the album tracks)

1989 (2014)

the album that converted a lot of pop lovers to the cult of Swift

shows a lot of growth and experimentation since Red, but Red is still personally my favorite, this one’s a close second tho

Swift has said in interviews that Red was a devastating album to write but 1989 is more about moving on from that and focusing on herself and it’s overall both more optimistic (regarding life in general) and calculated and cynical (regarding romance)

1989 is the year Swift was born, btw. Coincidentally the album has 13 tracks not counting the bonus ones and 13 is Swift’s favorite number (she was also born on Dec 13)

I have this whole conspiracy theory level of analysis going on about how this is a sequel to Red and how those two albums are linked in a way that the others aren’t

let’s get it out of the way, Welcome to New York is the obvious dud. sorry to our mutual friends who love NY but the song kind of sucks in itself oops. Like it’s very uninspired and generic

for an actual good song about NY check out Vienna Teng’s Goodnight New York

Blank Space - overplayed but I love the idea of Swift parodying what her critics think of her

Out of the Woods - it’s a song about uncertainty in a relationship and the ending is left up to interpretation and I love the repetitive chorus bc it illustrates the feeling of being trapped in the woods and seeing trees flash by you. The bridge has a personal anecdote (the brakes/stitches mentioned are from a minor snowmobile accident).

All You Had to Do Was Stay - about a dream Swift had where all she could do is say “stay” in a high pitched voice to an ex and it embarrassed her lol. Typical pining song but something about those “stays” sound way more painful than comical in practice.

Shake It Off - a good pick-me-up for the slow days and the only big single of hers I haven’t gotten utterly sick of

I Wish You Would - reminds me a lot of HAIM, and it’s oddly one song that I almost never skip when it comes up on my commute shuffle despite having heard every song on this album too many times. understated but solid.

Wildest Dreams - Swift doing Lana Del Rey better than Lana Del Rey

How You Get the Girl - cute but all I can think of is her cat in the Diet Coke commercial that used this song

This Love - I feel like this is the song tying the album together, it’s the most vulnerable track and the one flame of hope amidst all the jadedness that pervades the album regarding romance. It’s kind of meta in some way like it describes not only T Swift the character in the album but also possibly T Swift the person? This song is very important to me.

I Know Places - kind of a darker sound (for her)

Clean - a song about moving on from a relationship, I’m already biased towards this bc Imogen Heap worked on it but it’s really beautiful, and I love when Heap’s harmonies come in.

New Romantics - the freakin song of our generation, the lyrics are so fucking real I can’t even

misc/standalones

Safe and Sound (feat. the Civil Wars) - from the Hunger Games OST, it’s pure folk goodness

Sweeter than Fiction - the happy ending we all want. has a bit of a beach-rock vibe to it with a very 80s production

Ronan - written for a child who died from cancer, it’s beautiful and sad

Thank you for reading if you’ve even made it this far and I hope I didn’t overwhelm you, happy listening! :D

[theworstbob]

scattered thoughts on anw9 stage one part one

because the best time to post about american ninja warrior is six days after the episode airs right (all stats from my index, which is a combination of sasukepedia and my own notes)

~So after a year in which a lot of talented dudes got dunked on by the Giant Log Grip, the producers... Removed the Giant Log Grip? I mean, I get it -- the general vibe of ANW courses is something like “bars ‘n tramps,” so the Double Dipper and the Domino Pipes are a better fit for that theme than everything that came before. (Plus, given how Ultimate Beastmaster themed its course, I wouldn’t be surprised if ANW is trying to make its courses fit into a theme; I could see them trying to turn the courses into construction sites, simply because construction workers fit into some vaguely American ideal of hard work.) This is one of the more enjoyable iterations of the First Stage in a while. (Might this be a death knell for the Rolling Log in city courses? Because real talk, the American Rolling Log is garbage. Too much rolling, not enough log. I don’t like seeing an extra 30 seconds being tacked onto runs because competitors have to recover from goddamned dizziness.)

~I do wish they’d make it shorter, though! 2:35 is a long time to be on a course, and in this episode, we saw a lot of montaged runs and a lot of segments where we only watched one person take to the course between commercial breaks. We miss a lot of the First Stage, and we even see a few clears not mentioned at all until the end of the broadcast, and interesting clears at that! Andrew Lowes, a highly notable veteran, clears the First Stage for the first time since ANW6! Cass Clawson, three years after missing Stage Two by a fraction of a second, finally gets his revenge! Michael Silenzi makes his Stage Two debut after four years away from Vegas! It’s completely understandable why they chose to show who they did, those are all Big Names with Good Stories, but man, they couldn’t even find montage space for Andrew Lowes. They gotta consider paring down this course.

~Because while this is one of the more fun iterations of the First Stage, it’s also very much an iteration of the First Stage. The new obstacles are merely variations on old themes; hold onto something and fly, run on an angled platform, and balance bridge. I don’t think anyone would complain if the First Stage were to be overhauled. People come to this show to see people fulfill their potential, and you can only do that so much jumping into the same spider every year, and it’s starting to look like people are solving this course. 36 of the Vegas entrants from last season are making a return trip, the highest number in the show’s history, and of the 20 First Stage clears on Wednesday, 14 made it to Vegas last season, and only one is in their (legit stoked to be using the gender-neutral pronoun here) Vegas debut. Obviously, experience isn’t everything (poor Karsten Williams), but it’s proving more helpful than not, and with more competitors becoming more seasoned (54/100 competitors with prior Vegas experience), it might be fun to see these cats try to solve a new course. One understands why NBC is reticent to change the First Stage, it’s obviously something that works and more clears is probably better for NBC because it gives them more footage to work with, but it’d be nice to see an actual new challenge, not just modified obstacles.

~Did they abandon the conceit where qualifiers from each region had to wear a certain color to denote the region from which they qualified? That’s lame if they did. I always liked seeing how the competitors with brands worked the color into their get-up -- I will never forget Anthony Scott’s giant red watch -- and I feel the show loses a little visual flair without forcing yellow and purple onto the dudes.

~I feel like I’m burying the lede here a little bit: ALLYSSA BEIRD! You could have given me ten guesses for “second woman to clear the First Stage on ANW” and Beird might’ve been seventh. There’s still some measure of unpredictability with the women’s runs on ANW; because each woman gets hella Hero Edit, it’s almost impossible to say which one’s going to clear any given course, so I’m still surprised when Barclay Stockett makes it all the way to the last obstacle, or when Jesse LeBreck (my pick to be the second FWIW) gets hung up on Parkour Road and barely misses. But the show’s editing also spoiled Beird’s clear; we know that ANW hates ending with failure, what with the way they opted to make Jake Murray’s corn dog the final image from ANW8 First Stage and not Geoff Britten taking the plunge on Snake Run. So when you see Barclay Stockett make it so close, then Jesse LeBreck getting closer still, and then you see Allyssa Beird (arguably a less notable competitor than LeBreck, too) on the platform, you sense that there’s a reason ANW is ordering the runs in this order. And when you can predict the outcome, it makes the moment that much less cool. Still a cool moment, I feel like I’m burying the lede a little by complaining about the way the show is edited instead of typing ALLYSSA BEIRD! a hundred times, but I wish ANW could embrace failure a little tighter.

~Like, every time Joe Moravsky runs without an extended pre-run interview package, I get a little nervous, and that makes watching him do his usual Joe Moravsky thing on the First Stage that much more fun, y’know? I get why the show is the way it is, it’s trying to be aspirational reality programming before it’s trying to embrace the randomness and chaos of Sport and I respect that, I just so wish it could change something up.

~Nick Kostreski was entirely cut from this broadcast, and understandably so; while he made it to Vegas last year and was one of the eight qualifying clears in Denver, but those are his only two accomplishments of note; if they couldn’t make room for Andrew Lowes, it would’ve been kinda shitty to cut him for Nick Kostreski. BUT. He is now notable for being the first person to clear from p15 in their city. He was the last man to qualify for Vegas in Denver, then (assuming ANW still runs Vegas in order from ‘worst city Finals result’ to ‘best’) the first to qualify for Stage Two. (I’m assuming nothing good happens for Jody Avila or whoever replaced Charlie Andrews, we saw nothing good happen for Michael Johnson and Jesse LeBreck, and Donovan Metoyer would’ve been the first man up.)

~This is ANW editing done right: I believe they showed Travis Rosen failing Snake Run before they showed Brian Wilczewski this year, just to establish that the first obstacle is dangerous, which shadows how the show used Lucas Gomes’ fall on the same obstacle to set up Rosen’s. So you kind of knew someone serious would go out on Snake Run again this season. And when they showed Brian Wilczewski failing the first obstacle in ANW5, I got absolutely giddy, because he was so going in the drink, AND THEN! And then. ANW doesn’t usually revel in failure like that, because it sort of goes against their ethos, but even if they didn’t show Rosen before B-Wil like I remember, they still set up that fall very well. “This man’s family still makes fun of the dumb this guy did four years ago. Bear witness to the nothing this man has learned.” Like, Brian. Brian. You’re now the dude who’s failed the first obstacle twice. Why would you ever want to be that guy. (Also: nice to see Chris Wilczewski on the sidelines, even if ANW didn’t explain why he wasn’t there.)

~JJ Woods has done two of the ten or so most impressive things I’ve ever seen on this course, now. I still remember this dude beasting through the last three obstacles of the First Stage in thirty seconds back in ANW6, and now here he is, skipping a step on Parkour Run. Like, of course the parkour guy’s gonna do some parkour shit on Parkour Run. (#1 for me is still honestly Jessell Boseman’s one-legged Jumping Spider. I still don’t get how he did it. And Judas Licciardello landing a flip off the Double Dipper was dope, even if it was more showy than useful.)

~Just so we have an end, the 20 clears that have been either shown or mentioned thus far: CLE16 Allyssa Beird (8.48) DEN15 Nick Kostreski (17.72) DEN14 Michael Silenzi (19.44) SAN14 Cass Clawson (22.68) LAX13 Nick Hanson (5.03) DEN9 Drew Knapp (5.03) CLE8 Mike Bernardo (24.90) LAX7 Kevin Bull (27.95) KCT6 Lance Pekus (45.48) SAN6 Andrew Lowes (6.68) DAY5 Travis Rosen (28.80) SAN4 Brent Steffensen (33.66) KCT4 Eric Middleton (23.52) LAX4 Flip Rodriguez (30.55) DAY3 Sean Darling-Hammond (6.26) LAX3 Josh Levin (14.30) DAY2 JJ Woods (16.73) SAN2 Thomas Stillings (32.88) CLE1 Joe Moravsky (42.76) DEN1 Ian Dory (7.34) So the next episode will have Brian Arnold, Meagan Martin, Jamie Rahn, Jon Alexis Jr, Mike Meyers, Dan Galiczynski, Najee Richardson, Mitch Vedepo, Tyler Yamauchi, Jeremiah Morgan, Drew Drechsel, Jessie Graff, Ryan Stratis, Daniel Gil, Nicholas Coolridge, Abel Gonzalez, Adam Rayl, and David Campbell, plus 30+ other talented athletes, so they prolly ended up with over 40 clears. Or maybe they didn’t! Maybe ANW is going to subvert all expectations and show an episode where everyone just gets completely hecked! WHO KNOWS! (They prolly broke 40.)

[takemakelove]

Wordpress October 2010

Eating out

October 10, 2010

is actually not that bad. Yesterday we went to sushi house and the boys were surprisingly well-mannered! But they usually are and I feel super lucky to have, not one, but two babies that we can take out to a restaurant and enjoy a meal. And my boys are so cute! They were staring and giggling at all our dining neighbors, and were overall pretty quiet during our long stay there (service is always slow there). They ate all the food  i packed for them, including the cheese toast croutons, plus some cheerios. They drank their whole bottle during our dessert and only shrieked/squealed super loud a few times for fun. They were so good-and I am so proud ^_^

But this post isn’t to say that my boys are so perfect when we go out– oh no. they will throw their tantrums and crying fits. We went to BJs once for a friends going to the monastary party, and demetri cried for such a long time and nothing would sooth him maybe it was molars coming in. And then when we go out to parties on the weekend and they don’t get their long 3 hour nap, they used to be so horrible! so inconsolable and crying forever and so not fun. Always cuts our outings shorter than desired.

I have to mention, though, that when we got seated in the non busy restaurant, the hostess obviously saw that we have babies and I told her we needed two high chairs. And she sat us but then she didn’t remove two seats from the tables and didn’t even bring high chairs to replace them. And she walked back to her post and I had to walk to her again and ask for high chairs. Eventually a dude/waiter came over and gave us highchairs. It might not have been her job, but she totally seemed like she forgot about the high chairs.

It’s interesting cause on my facebook for mommies, i saw a post on my twins group that a mom encountered a twins-unfriendly establishment that refused to give her two highchairs cuz their policy was like they can only give one incase another family comes in and they don’t want to run out of high chairs…. but the restaurant was very empty. They even brought out the manager and he said the same thing about their policy. The waitress even suggested the parents switch off holding one and eating while the other baby is in the high chair! The finally gave in to giving her another high chair when she grabbed all her things and was heading out the door. They even told her that they would make that exception that one time but that for future visits, they would only grant her that one high chair. This was at outback steakhouse, by the way. I dunno what state though.

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Competitive Walking

October 13, 2010

To be honest, I’m a competitive person..and kinda a competitive mom >.< I’m sorry! Please don’t judge me! It’s so deep in me that I’d like to think that I cage it well, but sometimes it’ll crawl up and I have to mention something to darrell

I think there was a baby boom around the time Aizen and Demetri were born back in September of last year. I swear: everyone’s friend was pregnant when I was pregnant. And distant friends I sorta knew in HS were pregnant. And 4 of darrell’s cousins were due the same time we were. So we all had our kids around the same time…and therefore..it’s really hard to avoid comparing all of those full term singletons to my preemie twins. I know, I know, I shouldn’t ever compare kids, and it’s hard enough trying not to compare between the two let alone with all those other singleton kids, but still – deep down, in a cage, my competitive nature come out.

My boys are always behind in their developmental milestones — compared to all the other kids. They are on time according to the Doc’s records and all, and they are especially on time when you adjust your expectations with their adjusted, prematurity age…but my heart kind of tremors ever so slightly when I see or hear that the singleton kids are already rolling over or crawling or talking or reading and especially – walking. And it also tremors when I see or hear that they are so much bigger/heavier/taller than my boys at their well baby check ups. The only thing my boys have on all of those kids combined is- the amount of teeth they have.

But I’ve come to realize something. When “they” (developmental charts, online parenting websites, doctor’s visits) say when to expect babies to walk, they always say there is a range. Most kids will hit the milestone at this age or that age but some kids will hit it faster or later and not to be worried bc all babies are unique and develop at their own rate. I realize that if your baby is born at their due date or past, then they will hit those milestones ahead of most. And that if you have a preemie, you have to adjust their prematurity age and they will hit those milestones later than the rest. That’s why there’s a range. But anyway….

I always felt like walking is such a huge achievement. It’s always in all those new parenthood commercials and videocameras and all that, that’s it’s really hyped up for me. I then I started feeling pressure that they should be walking by their 1st birthday. That didn’t happen. But once i realized that they were going to be last again in the imaginary development race, I kept saying to myself and hearing from other mothers that walking isn’t all that awesome. It gets way harder on mom and dad and that I should enjoy the non mobile phase as much as possible because, oh man, once they start walking – all hell breaks loose! They get into everything and run away and it’s all so much harder once they walk. And besides, they have all their lives to walk and run from here to there, but they only get a few months if anything (their older cousin walked at 9 months -_-) to be cute little rugrats. And man, they were fast little rugrats! but…

Aizen is walking now ^_^ He took his first independent steps a few weeks ago. I want to say on Monday Sept. 20 (i think bc their ninong came over for lunch and we all saw aizen take 2.5 steps!) And I want to say that Demetri took 1 step on his own a few days later. Then 2 weeks later, I come home from school and Darrell tells me that Aizen can now walk from the couch to the table when placed a few feet from the couch! SO exciting! I got a video posted on youtube of him doing it the next day.

We have been spending a lot of time with Darrell’s side of the family because his grandmother passed away exactly 2 weeks ago. So we’ve been all hanging out with the cousins and there are a few of the boy’s cousins who are toddlers and they all play together. (A&D are the only ones still crawling) And the aunties and uncles (lolos and lolas to the boys) are always taking the boys and holding them up so they can walk supported and it was on the night of the funeral that Aizen took some really strong, solid, slow steps on his own! No more of this rigid stepping and stumbling, now Aizen toddles and will squat and lower his knees so that get can start crawling again He’s getting better and better everyday. He now can cross half the room. Demetri is right behind him tho, still a little lazier with jellier legs, but still, he can toddle a step here and then. I have yet to get a video of Demetri and I need to get a video of Aizen walking for longer than a few steps.

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No More Bottles!

October 18, 2010

We took away all their expensive a** avent bottles and gave them sippy-straw cups.

Aizen’s doing way better than Demetri.

I’ll explain more later. If I remember to come back to this post to edit.

Aizen is on the left, enjoying his sippy straw cup, and demetri is on the right- showing how hard it is to keep his straw in his mouth.

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Butt butt butt!

October 18, 2010

I think my sons have big butts. Like..bigger than the average butt for a baby their size O_O

I’ll explain more later. If I remember to come back to this post to edit.

_______

Every since they were about 5-6 months old, whenever their grandpa (my future FIL) would hold one of them, he would always give them back after a few minutes and proclaim that they “were wet and need a diaper change” but they didn’t poop. I would smell their diapers and look inside and even pat around their diaper to feel for some fullness. I guess it felt kind of full. Whatever- I would change them cuz sure, they’ve been in their diapers for a an hour or two, and sure, it could be full. But every time I would change them, their diapers were barely even peed on. And eventually Dad and I would think “dang, what a waste of a diaper -_-”

So then one day I decided to change them right before I gave one of them to their grandpa. And sure enough, within a few minutes or 1/2 and hour, he would give them back claiming that they were wet and needed a diaper change. So again, I would smell their diapers and look inside and even pat around their diaper to feel for some fullness. And again, I guess it felt kind of full. And then I started thinking about it. So then I changed him into a fresh diaper and started patting around the diaper to feel for some fullness. And sure enough-it kind of felt full. But how? It is a fresh diaper-surely there was not time for him to pee!

And then I thought- it must be their butts! They must have big butts! And consulted with my sister and with Dad and yes. We all skeptically agree-maybe they do indeed, have big butts for their age and that is why their diapers always feel full-because of their big, squishy-apple bottom butts

The one on the floor is when they are 8months old, and the one against a window they are almost 10months. I think both times, Aizen is the one I made show off his butt