#this is a rough draft tho i wrote it in like ten minutes please be kind 😭🙏🏾

[hauntedpearl]

Lael's (inspired by @skepticalfrog's fic)

like most people, my relationship with God and religion isn't all that... straightforward. like most people I'm always trying to unentangle my own faith in the universe and people and everything from what I was taught to believe in growing up. i don't know if there's a God. i don't know that it matters. but i do feel like the world would be a better place if we believed that God was an old Guatemalan man who runs a diner in Kansas. that He is in the impressions of kindness in this world, wherever they may be. isn't that kind of the whole point of it, anyway?

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

i have an amazing idea for a book, truly could be an incredible story. one that i would love to read myself. two things tho, how tf do i write it when i suck so bad at writing and how tf do i get it all out of my brain. i wish i could just unhinge my skull and let it pour out like one does with warm laundry from the basket to the couch (for folding of course) but yet it’s stuck in there like a bird in a warehouse. i ask you because the way you churn out stories is awe inspiring and i was hoping you might have some words of advice for a dumbass 🥺 ty, ily, i hope you get to eat a brownie today 🧡

First of all nonny, thank you, I'm delighted that you like my writing so much. I'm really flattered that you want to come to me for advice. Hey @extasiswings you have an admirer!

Second of all, that is the mood of writers everywhere - wishing we could just pour our thoughts for the story onto the page and voila.

Third of all - to answer your question. The second part is easy. You get it out of your brain by writing it.

Which brings us back to the first part of the question. What if you're not great at writing yet? Well first of all - who gives a fuck? First drafts are called vomit drafts for a reason. The first draft only has to exist. That is all. It can be an utter pile of cliche shit. So long as it exists, that's all that matters. Get the story out of your head by writing it.

Many people find it helpful to voice record things instead of writing it, since they can't write as fast as their thoughts go, and they get caught up in whether or not something reads well as opposed to just vomiting out all the shit they need to. "I hate the sound of my own voice!" Tough titties, my ducklings! If you're going to let something like "I hate the sound of my voice" stop you then by all means don't force yourself, but what you're really saying is, "I don't care enough about this story to overcome my personal discomfort." Nobody's going to hear these voice recordings except you. Nobody's cringing. You just need to talk out the plot points or verbalize a really good bit of dialogue before it forever vanishes into the ether, and that's all you need.

(You will never get it entirely out of your brain until the story is finished, by the way. Welcome to being a writer.)

As for "sucking so bad..." there's only one cure for that, and nobody likes it. In fact, we loathe it.

The cure is to write.

Read books by authors whose writing you like and want to emulate. Watch well-written films and television. We practice what we are shown as examples, so give your brain good examples. And then just write! You will never, ever get good at something if you don't practice it. Not a single person woke up one day able to be a genius at [enter talent here]. Even the "prodigies" and the "natural talents" took training at some point, and quite intensive training usually.

I'm going to be honest with you, it will be a while before you write that story the way you see it in your head. It will be a while before you're satisfied. But that's okay. I've been writing for literally twenty years. That’s two decades of practice. And even I have my bad days! From roughly September last year until a month or so ago I hated every fic I wrote. My friends encouraged me to post them because they loved them. I didn’t think they were good enough. I still don’t. You mention how my friend and I can write stories for each other on demand. It took me twenty years to get to that place.

So be patient with yourself. Writing is a habit, a journey, a practice. If you really want to write a book, prepare to settle in for the long haul. The only way to get better is to write. The only way to get the story out of your head is to write it. The only way to not suck is to practice the thing you suck at. There’s no magical tricks, no secret ingredient, no special shortcuts. You just gotta write.

Of course, nobody is forcing you to do this. Please do not take this as some kind of “do this or else” message. But if you really, genuinely want to write something you’re proud of, then the only solution is to practice writing, and accept that improvement takes time.

“But what if I sit down and there’s no inspiration?” you say. Well, there’s the voice recording as I said, but also, treat writing like brushing your teeth. It’s not an art. It’s a habit that you have to practice every day in order to train your brain until it becomes automatic. Write at the same time, do the same thing every time before you write (like walk the dog) and be sure to reward yourself afterwards (get a cookie). Doing the same thing at the same time will mean that now, at 10am after you walked the dog, your brain goes “oh writing time!” and turns on that part of your brain. And because there’s a reward, your brain goes OH BOY COOKIE!!! and that motivates your brain. Start small. Don’t go by word count, go by time. Set a timer and for ten minutes write, even if what you write is “I fucking hate this shit and I’m shit and everything is shit.” Write literally anything! “They do this and then this and then this happens.” YAY! Eventually you’ll be able to fill that time, and then increase it. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. 25. 30. An hour. Don’t write for too long without a break. Twenty minutes of consistent steady writing with a break is better than an hour staring at a blank Word doc.

Again: be patient with yourself!

That’s really the only advice I can give you. Please remember, nonny dear, what you are seeing is the result of twenty years of nonstop practice. “Wow she just churns them out!” Well, sure, now I can. I couldn’t for the first ten years. Sometimes just because I can churn ‘em out doesn’t mean they’re any good. And I have my bad days and rough patches too. I have my periods where I don’t write anything at all. So be kind to yourself. Treat yourself. You and your story deserve it.

[veryfineday]

Thursday 17 November 1831

8 20/..

1 5/..

L  Ͷ  Ͷ

fine frosty sunny morning and Fahrenheit 49 1/2º at 9 - nice long letter 3 pp.[pages] and ends from Lady S-[Stuart] de R-[Rothesay] very agreeable chit chat - the whole liberatory from Tooley Street in eighty cases arrived at Poole - they are all to be at the Lodge on Saturday to stay a weeK - weather variable and latterly very cold - breakfast at 10 - read the Globe -

walKed with miss H-[Hobart] to the end of King Street then up and down the parade from 11 3/4 to 12 40/.. 1st time she had been out since her cold - out again at 1 20/.. walKed along the Rye road as far as Guestling to the little public house William iv. and returned the same way - I should thinK altogether about 6 miles - but in going and in returning did 2 or 3 little shoppings - came in at 4 1/4 - ten minutes downstairs with miss H-[Hobart] from 4 3/4 to 6 1/2 made out rough draft of index of the month of much last - dressed - dinner at 7 - miss H-[Hobart] wrote and asKed some of the Courtenays to come to us this evening - but they were engaged - In walKing this morning on the parade we met the ladies Scott - 1st time of seeing them - Miss H[obart] introduced me and all were very civil -

a little music after dinner as usual - coffee at 9 - from 9 40/.. to 10 3/4 read aloud from page 143 to 185 end of chapter 13 volume 2 Gibbon - then staid talKing till miss H-[Hobart] went up to her room at 11 1/2 and left me to finish my journal of today -

I had been in good spirits after dinner which she rather checked so I shut my eyes and dozed while she played and was very quiet afterwards just before going to bed she took from the bosom of her gown?[with a dot]  a paper containing three little curls of her hair saying somehow or other while she shewed and held them out to me she did not want them   I took the paper put it into the breast of my gown saying you will never see these again in the form you do now  I only hope I have not cheated you out of them  no was the answer and she wished good noght and kissed my cheek very gently  saying as she left the room ‘you never kiss me’  no said I because if I did you would never forgive me to the edge of doom  I think said she you need not say so when I set the example  I merely looked significantly  she is od[d] enough but surely she must like me or she never could have gone a step so far  just before I had said how independent any rational pursuit made one of society  tho I had sometimes thought I should not dislike a London life  she thought it would not suit me  oh yes it would in my way if I had Lady Gordon to manage for me  I should not go to many parties except occasionally half hour  it would be small pleasant dinner parties I should like oh yes said she directly dinner parties once a week and you with you[r] good fortune would soon have plenty of society and then I (meaning herself) would have a party of about thirty afterwards and you might go to bed or do as you liked   oh oh thought I then supposing my fortune to be good enough I may have you and good London society too if I like  I did not expect all this quite so soon if at all  I see I may presume if I like  to give as well as take a kiss and may perhaps conquer all scruples even in this case  well I did not expect a victory here  I will fight shhy [sic] a little I read her my letter from Lady S[tuart] de R[othesay] this morning  she said it was a nice letter and seemed pleased  I think she is glad of my being liked by her friend -

very fine frosty day - Fahrenheit 75 1/2 at 12 1/4 on the marble chimney piece in this room (drawing room) - went up to my room at poor [Pi-Mariana] I begin to tremble for her chance unless she plays her cards better than she seems likely to do - Fahrenheit 51º now at 12 3/4 tonight in my bedroom -