#this is borderline homocidal i hate it

[fardf150]

anyways aggressive thoughts that keep me awake at night. i guarantee you do not want to read this.

i wish i had just fucking looked at him and walked away. why did i say anythiing? i hated him back then and i hate him now. why did i cry ehen the ambulance came? why did i pray and pray and pray for him to live? WHY DID I SAY ANYTHING? why didn't i walk away? why? because i wanted to be a hero? because 'he's still my brother'? because other people would be sad?

BULLSHIT. i've thought and thought and thought about what would happen if he died for real. what i would say at his funeral. how dosgusted they'd all be with me. i haven't felt a thing for him. i haven't been sad at the idea. maybe i'll be sad when it does happen. but maybe i won't? i don't know.

all i know is that he'd better pray his life doesn't rest in my hands ever again. i won't make the same mistake twice.

...or at least i tell myself that. i'm not that strong. no. i'm weak. i'm just some weak, stupid little kid who can't even help himself. i can't even talk loud enough for someone standing a few inches away to hear. my voice gets lost in an empty room. no. i'd save him again because i know they'd cry. because i know i'd blame myself no matter what i did. because i'm stupid like that.

[themanyfacesofkat]

Just a “small” vent

I hate it when I’m brushed off as if my problems mean nothing, my step brother just always HAS to have it worse than me.

I was talking with him earlier and I don’t remember why but I was prompted to say “I have severe anxiety” because I DO. It’s mostly for social situations, of course I have anxiety about other things like grades and doing good, but my MAIN hangup is social situations.

Immediately he invalidates it by saying “at least you don’t have anxiety as bad as me” then proceeds to tell me about how he’s anxious about everything and the general fear of fucking up. He could have said that without fucking brushing me off as if my problems didn’t matter.

I know he probably didn’t really mean it like that but it hurts. It fucking hurts.

I’m worried that I annoyed several people into stopping communication with me

I’m still hung up over something stupid and disgusting I said in third grade and how it effected that person’s view on me even though its possible they dont even remember it

I’m still hung up over a small tantrum I threw in fourth grade because I didn’t fucking understand how to play scrabble

Whenever I talk about one thing in particular for an extended amount of time I’m worried I’m boring the other person

Whenever I go on a tangent I’m worried the person’s not happy I began talking about something unrelated to what we were previously talking about.

I’m worried I’m being too loud or too quiet

If I’m talking to someone I feel the need to respond as soon as humanly possible and I feel bad if I have to tell them I’m busy doing something at the moment

Whenever someone’s flirting with me I just feel like they have some ulterior motive

For some reason I’m convinced the former friend I have who’s now in Germany is still mad at me for “fucking up” a toxic relationship he had with two of my other friends even though I haven’t spoken to him since high school and our mutual friend tells me he’s indifferent towards me

I feel bad when I take a long time to type shit because often times people think I’m about to go on a full on fucking rant, I’m not, I’m just trying to figure out how to say something properly and I take a while to think. I use the time to type as thinking carefully over my words, something I’m unable to do IRL because when I talk it’s near unfiltered

I had a fucking breakdown in the car while trying to learn to drive because I was so stressed out from seven minutes behind the wheel because I was going too slow, my step mom paniced and grabbed the wheel when she thought I was too close to the edge, I didn’t even want to be there

I’m concerned that my method of making friends is fucking weird when it’s observing how a particular group or person acts, determining if my general personality is compatible with theirs, and acting in a manner that helps me properly mesh with the dynamic until I find a way to comfortably exsist within it

I’m worried I’m too inconsistant with how I act and behave, it’s erratic depending on who I’m talking to, what time of day it is, how I’m feeling, and what room I’m in. I’m much nicer at night while in the morning I’m borderline homocidal and during the day it can swing either way, my dynamic with the person in question matters too.

I’m still hung up over sophmore year when I had to call my dad to come get me and ditched my date at prom because I didn’t want to be there in the first place but he was the friend of a friend and his promposal was in front of a large window while kids were coming into the school and the rest of the rotunda had people going along and the rest of my friend group was there so I felt like I had to accept and he went off to hang out with friends because I was boring while I was left sitting at a table alone because I literally didn’t know anyone else there and wasn’t having any fun and thus led to me adamantly refusing to go to my own Junior and Senior prom.

I’m convinced I’m a shitty sister, friend, daughter, aquaintance, I don’t know how people stand me, I’m annoying as shit, I’m violent, a terrible talker and conversationalist, I don’t even know how I have friends at this point, it’s a mystery. Maybe I’m the friend people just tolerate because they feel bad for me

People in school were always surprised that I knew how to swear and be loud, meanwhile immediate family was always surprised when I shut the fuck up for more than five minutes.

My art’s not good, I’m ugly as shit, my grades are shit, I’m 87-90 pounds, I’m weak, I’m too emotional, not emotional enough, not exhibiting the right emotion or behavior and a particular thing, my sleep schedule is broken, my opinions might be wrong, people are watching me, everyone will remember everything I do, am I coming off as a narricist? Am I coming off as a know it all? Am I talking about myself too much? Am I annoying them? My writing’s shit, I’m singing wrong, I forgot, I don’t put in enough effort, I’m a functioning disaster, am I not being clear enough? Did I accidentally upset someone? I lost track of time, I fucked this up for this person and it’s my fault. The instructor/professor forgot I needed help again? Do I need help too much? Do I ask too many questions? Am I a terrible person? Did I make the wrong choice? I’m not worth it.

I’m my worst critic, I critically judge every single thing I do and tell myself I can do better, I can be better, I’m not supposed to fuck up. While I’m in the process of fucking up, I am 100% aware of what I’m doing most of the time but I can’t stop it and I don’t know why. I don’t need to hear “mine is worse than yours” when you don’t even know the things that eat away at me every moment I’m conscious.