#this is what happens when you juggle hyperfixations...at least for me....

[ryrybread]

im not quite there yet in my hank pym reading, but *looks at my current astro boy/pluto hyperfixation* *looks at my current hank pym hyperfixation* im going to be deeply unwell about ultron, huh....

[ckret2]

I know you semi hyperfixation is/was on samurai jack, and ppg was only related for the au, but do you have any hcs on ppg you want to share?

Okay sure. PPG was my show when I was like, nine—there's a distinct possibility I read more fanfics about PPG than about any other fandoms except Invader Zim & Transformers—plus I just rewatched the entirety of PPG in a failed effort to distract myself from Samurai Jack, so I've got a few fresh ones:

— There has been at least one wild one-night stand between Prof. Utonium and Him. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it's happened, and then they just tacitly agreed to never talk about it. No emotions involved, purely just sex. They both enjoyed it, they both regret it, and they'd both do it again.

so, now that I have your attention,

— Most of the people who live & work nearest to Mojo's volcano are like, weirdly fond of him.

Sure if he comes into your store there's a 50% chance he'll steal his weekly groceries but there's also a 50% chance he'll forget he's supposed to be evil and actually pay for them. He's either DELIBERATELY a menace because that's his thing, or else he's grumpy yet extremely formal and polite. And he has such interesting stuff at his garage sales. And he HAS saved the world a few times, he's not so bad! And let's be real: a chimp walking around in a little suit and a little cape is ADORABLE.

When you're that close to his lair you see him just going about his normal daily business WAY more often than you see him doing his supervillain stuff (and you might even be comparatively safe there, since if he's got some new giant robot, he usually won't start kicking down buildings where they might fall on his own lair), so everyone just sorta got used to him.

Now they miss him when he's in jail. When he comes back to one of his regular haunts after a long absence people will go "Hey, Mojo, you're back! Didja break out again or get out early for good behavior?" "What an asinine question that is, the answer to which would be obvious if you stopped for a moment to consider the personality and temperament of the person to whom you are addressing it, which is me. I BROKE out!" "Haha, that's our Mojo!"

Mojo has NO idea the neighbors like him.

Also I like writing his dialogue.

— I don't think conquering/ruling the world actually appeals to Him that much. Yeah, it's CURRENTLY his goal; but I think he just wants as many people to suffer as possible, and recognizes that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. If that means he needs to wear the crown, then so be it.

But if somebody else sufficiently evil conquered the world first and made everybody sufficiently miserable, he wouldn't intervene, he'd just sit back and let 'em rule. This is great. Free buffet.

— When I first watched the show as a kid, I was inexplicably fascinated by Him. Something about Him just compelled me in a way that was instinctively familiar—familiar in the sense of part of the family—but that I was incapable of expressing in words.

This is because, at 9 years old, I did not know about queer people. But even so, in my heart of hearts, I already knew that demon was queer as hell.

But now it's 2025 and we can get a lot more specific than that.

I don't think anybody's gonna be surprised if I say I headcanon Him as having some kinda genderfluid-genderfucky nonbinary thing going on. He strikes me as the exact polar opposite of the agender, genderless, androgynous side of the trans umbrella; he's like, maximum gender. As much gender as possible. Not always the same gender but at LEAST one gender at all times, often more. Primarily juggling male and female but if you hand Him a fresh new gender he'll try it on for a few days to see how he likes it. However if you hand Him a neopronoun he'll toss it in the trash. He uses he/Him pronouns ONLY, regardless of what his gender is up to.

No idea what his orientation is. Only that it includes Prof Utonium.

— Just to cover both sides, I feel obligated to mention that Prof Utonium is 99% sure he's straight.

Was 99% sure he's straight.

— Trace amounts of Chemical X sometimes get in the water and/or food supply. (Not due to Prof. Utonium; he's getting his supply from somewhere else and that's where the accidental poisoning comes from too.) Chemical X can build up in the body like heavy metals.

Unlike taking an acute short-term dose of Chemical X, which gives you powers then wears off quickly, long-term low-grade Chemical X poisoning that results in bits getting permanently incorporated in the body can cause symptoms that include, most commonly, turning people green; but at the low doses you'd get from ingesting tiny bits of it slowly, it typically doesn't grant any power, you just get weird symptoms. And this is why there are just,, randomly some green people running around in Townsville. Hence: the Gangreen Gang.

Obviously, Mojo's also green due to permanently having Chemical X in his biology, but he DID get a big enough dose to get (brain) power. The girls are about the only people with Chemical X permanently in their system that AREN'T green, due to their other ingredients balancing it out.

— this isn't an actual current headcanon but when I was nine I convinced myself that Snake was, like, cool & smart & actually had charisma. lol. lmfao. this is what happens when you're a small child who really likes snakes: you see a snake and you WANT him to be cool.

— I think as adults the Powerpuff Girls have grown fingers and toes. Their bodies are still pretty weird in other ways, like they still have the bug eyes and disproportionately short torsos compared to their arms/legs, but for some reason missing fingers/toes strikes me as a juvenile trait.

Unfortunately, this means that when their normal classmates are dealing with puberty symptoms like zits and hair growing in weird places and bra shopping, THEY'RE dealing with puberty symptoms like weird little nubby fingers and toes. You know how babies teethe and it's a miserable painful affair? That's how the girls get fingernails. It's uncomfortable and soooo embarrassing. They're wearing mittens to class in August.

Buttercup is in her edgy preteen phase and going HEY YOU WANNA SEE WHICH ONE OF MINE'S THE LONGEST NOW?? 🖕

That winter for the first time they get gloves with fingers, and are confused that they don't also get socks with toes.

Their handwriting is horrible for the next few months.

— If you stick all the local villains together in a big room, eventually Mojo and Him will drift over to each other and start shit talking everyone else in the room.

— All three girls go through a supervillain phase before they reach adulthood. Like, actual voluntary supervillain phase, not like when Bubbles knocked her head and thought she was Mojo.

Buttercup's comes first, to nobody's surprise. Let's be real, she's already having micro-supervillain phases as a kindergartener, and the local villains have the dental records to prove it. She might even have more than one villain phase.

Lotta things could triggered it—hanging out with a bad, "cool" crowd? Greed? Just, angry at the world? Frustration with their recurring villains and deciding to deal with them more permanently? Got in a fight with Prof. Utonium and shouted "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!" and flew out of the house and an hour later half of downtown's on fire? Side effect of that demonic bargain she performed to become Mange? Why does nobody ever talk about that demonic bargain.

— Bubbles has hers next. Her love of cute animals progressively expands to include a broader and broader range of animals, until it includes the kaiju of Monster Isle. She starts refusing to fight them, then fights Buttercup and Blossom when THEY fight them, and THEN she just flies to Monster Isle, declares that she's moving there and joining them, and says from now on she's protecting them from ALL threats. Including Townsville. Naturally, they run rampant.

Bubbles's supervillain phase lasts the longest of the girls. She remains close friends with the monsters after that. She still refuses to fight them, but now if she goes "pllleease stop destroying the city, if you do and I don't stop you I'm gonna get in troubllle 🥺" they'll usually go all right okay fine. If the monster's in town specifically looking for a sparring match with the girls they'll willingly relocate out of town for the fight, now that the monsters can just ask for a match rather than have to goad the girls into it.

She might get a job working with the monsters after graduation.

— Blossom's supervillain phase is the last and most devastating.

She tries to take over the world.

She's the smartest, she's the best leader, she knows what it would take to make the world a better place, if everybody would just listen to her then she could make everything perfect, AND IF THEY WON'T CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO HER, THEN MAYBE SHE SHOULD FORCE THEM TO.

Mojo's like "Now YOU understand how I feel EVERY SINGLE DAY!"

He's genuinely impressed by the planning and intricacy of her evil scheme. He thereafter starts calling her up to workshop his own evil schemes before he executes them and she always goes "Mojooo I gave up villainy, I'm NOT gonna help you with your plot" and then she helps him with his plot. Because if somebody's doing something wrong she's irresistibly compelled to correct them.

It's 50/50 whether she then tells his scheme to the other girls.

— Now, I don't say this very often. I consider this a high honor that I award only to the most worthy and well-qualified. But I think there's compelling canonical evidence to support the theory that Mojo Jojo is an AuDHD king.

— You know how sometimes the kinks that people develop are a response to the traumas & taboos that happened to be twisting around in their heads when their libidos were developing, and so they end up with kinks that either lean into or buck against the fucked up stuff they dealt with as kids and being able to reinterpret that part of their life in a safe sexual context helps them reclaim a little power over those situations?

On a completely different topic, you know that one episode with that super sweet and charming substitute teacher Mr. Green who loves children and brings cookies to class and is always kind and caring and patient, and also he's a fanged horned green monster who dresses like an evil wizard? And he kindly and caringly and patiently teaches the Powerpuff Girls—right after they tried to attack him—that you can't judge people by their appearances, even "icky" "ugly" monsters? Remember him?

You think he's probably been getting treated like that his whole life for being a nice monster?

So anyway Mr. Green has a super secret very embarrassing erotic fantasy about being a noble knight in shining armor slaying a terrible evil monster. Sexually. With his "sword." And also a literal sword.

Which he feels horribly guilty about. He knows how awfully monsters are treated! He is one! Why would he get off to leaning into the worst propaganda? But hey, you don't get to choose what kinks your brain hands you.

So on weekends he hangs out around Townsville's gay scene quietly searching for a huge terrifying-looking monster who likes to bottom and has a humiliating erotic fantasy about being slain by a hero.

— way back in 2002, Mojo's sob story to manipulate the girls in the movie totally worked on me too. I forever after believed deep in my heart that Mojo should become a good guy and reconcile with the Powerpuff Girls. (AND LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT. LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT! 9-YEAR-OLD ME VINDICATED, BABY!!! sorry I only just saw Powerpuff Girls Rule for the first time like three days ago and I'm still riding that high.)

Anyway, over 20 years later, Mojo's sob story in the movie is STILL working on me. And I'm STILL heartbroken that Prof Utonium rejected his accidental simian son even though Mojo was just trying to manipulate him, too. I want that chimp to get unconditional love and acceptance poured on him until it seeps through the aloof supervillain shell he's built around his heart, and I want it NOW!

And even if he stays a villain, I want the Utonium family to fully acknowledge him as their weird estranged son & brother! He should get invited to family dinners, dammit! He should get a birthday party with the girls! Technically he wasn't born that day, but I doubt anybody kept hold of the records of when Jojo was actually born, so it's close enough!

[nyandereneko]

I made an update like this on twitter a few days ago but forgot to do it here, so now I’m going to make up for that! I’ve made what I consider to be some significant updates to my carrd, most notably to my self insert, f/o, and bio pages!

The biggest changes are that 1) I think I’ve decided to add the starry accent to Nova’s character/appearance permanently, or at least I’m trying that out for a little bit because I’ve grown quite attached to that look of hers. It’s reflected in most of my self insert ref portraits (and in some of my icons and things now lol) but it’s a tedious process to add the effect to every image, so it may take me some time to convert them all to her “new” look. The biggest thing I want to get across is that I’m going to try portraying Nova with starry accents in her hair/fur in most verses from now on, for the foreseeable future at least!

2) I’ve also added some new f/os...well, new in a way. New in that I’m going to try talking about them more consistently/publicly and post more content for them, because they happen to be my main focuses at the moment! Hei from Darker Than BIack and Naofumi from The Rising of the Shield Her0. Hei I’ve actually been into, talking about, and making content for for a couple of months now, but I want to get a little more active about sharing/talking about him...and Naofumi isn’t technically a new f/o, I liked him when I first watched the show a couple months back but I never fully committed to adding him to my list or whatever, and then he kind of just fell off the radar until I rewatched the show a couple weeks ago and decided I wanted to make him another main, too! 

For the record, all of the mains listed on my mains page are still...well, mains, and I am still interested in and like to talk about them and be asked about them and things, it’s just kind of hard for my brain to actively juggle more than, like, 2-3 characters at a time, and due to some hyperfixation things outside of my control, Hei and Naofumi are at the forefront. I’d say the closest behind them are Dazai, Alastor, Desair, and Tsuchigomori...but that’s not really super important, the point is I’m going to be talking about these other characters that I haven’t really talked about that much a little bit more frequently on my self insert accounts, and I wanted to make that development known!

I posted the recent commissions I've received with them separately because I wanted people to be able to like and share the art without having all this nonsense tacked on, but if you're interested in learning more about the basics of these ships, you can feel free to check out my bio pages for them (DTB verse | Shield Hero verse) or just send me an ask because I kind of love talking about them lol...I can't get enough :P

Thank you for reading and I plan on trying to make a new/updated promo to use as a pinned post sometime soon, since I've seen more people doing that and I think it would be pretty useful lol

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[gardenghost420]

i like to be liked by people and i like to try to make people happy and i don’t like when people i love feel lonely because i hate when i feel lonely so i try to be there for people as much as i can especially during a time like this when i’m worried about a lot of people not having an immediate support system in their environment so i try to say yes to everything but then i spread myself too thin and then i get irritable with the person closest to me even though he’s the only one seeing me try to juggle it all and understands and then i get ghosty and airy with other people and turn into mist and stop trying to explain myself as much because it gets so tiring doing my best but then feeling guilty at the end of so many interactions anyway just from hyperfixating on whether one piece of one thing i said came across in a way that was potentially hurtful and then also sometimes getting annoyed at myself when i feel like i’ve talked too much and people have stopped paying attention so anyway i disappear for a bit and i feel guilty about that too but not as much

and i’ve been thinking about how certain types of people i’ve met lately, mainly middle aged psychology types, always end up completely baffled by me because in a professional setting my aquarius midheaven and gemini rising take over and it becomes ridiculously easy for myself to come across as cool as a cucumber in literally any situation and that seems to frustrate people who love to overanalyze so they search for something deeper, some deep dark problem that i’m hiding that’s making me put walls up, but really it’s just that work stuff does not get to me because being a therapist comes naturally to me and it’s a place i feel comfortable and confident and almost enjoy keeping my cool about (at least when reporting back after the fact, not in the room itself when the magic is happening)

and with the people i’m closest to my heart is on my sleeve and it’s absolutely impossible for me to maintain a poker face because every emotion dances across my face and stays there no matter how hard i try so sometimes maybe that’s why i drift away into misty ghostland in real life when everything’s getting a bit too tough, i’ve learned the hard way if i’m already feeling off but keep trying to overextend myself anyway it just becomes obvious that i’m annoyed and then i’m no help to anybody, and it’s never that big of a deal to bother explaining it, it’s just an airy disappearing act i have to do every now and then to retreat to home and my earthy comforts and the world where i don’t feel as guilty if someone can tell something’s up with me because it’s his job to be able to tell and he’s scarily good at it so it never takes any time at all

and i’m excited to start working in a place where my weird ability to hold everything someone needs to be held without cracking in half or making it about myself will especially come in handy, and my boss there has already spent a year trying to figure out if i have any deep dark secrets and determined that for some reason i actually am as chill about this stuff as i say i am and has accepted it for the strength it is without making things weird, unlike the two virgos at school one of whom spent our entire supervisory relationship trying to figure out if i’ve been through trauma or need to see a therapist just because people kept confessing their trauma to me and because i would get slightly nervous before doing a live session in front of our entire class (surprise bitch i’ve already been through mad therapy and i’m medicated for my anxiety!!! But I don’t need you trying to force that out of me because you’re my teacher and that’s mad inappropriate!!! And the only reason people tell me their trauma is because I straight up ask, and I’m their therapist so they tell me!!!) anyway just some thoughts as of late, people in this field are fucking weird and have pretty major boundary issues despite how important boundaries are in this line of work, i guess in the end this whole thing has been about boundaries and the weird ways i skate around trying to make use of them without hurting anybody’s feelings in the process, what a weird world we live in!