2* the AvPD
Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.
___:
I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like
A few rbs and I thought
"if this isn't irony idk what is"
Trje
66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;
___:
me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive
avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate
66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k
___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok
66ccff:
LOL
i mean
mood tbh
___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS
66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt
___: Guilt
66ccff:
kejk;ldj;L
yes
ok that is definitely me
me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world
___:
me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}
Oh
god me
66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)
___:
hdjhdjsd
I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like
I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today
CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE
66ccff:
omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence
i was like.... no.... don't....
i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like
forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was
so
hard
i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m
i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable
agoraphobia is great!
___:
GOD yea
It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like
66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia
___:
Rip
Wish I could do that...
66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so
___:
I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS
rip
me: I'm strong
Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing
66ccff:
dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work
self harms... oops... that didn't work either
better nap again
___:
zz
Pillows keep u safe
Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like
Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD
66ccff: o h my god
___:
And I was like
"oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"
66ccff:
ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part
and then i went to school and my actual performance is like
bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better
and i just
___: samd
66ccff:
Wow
i want to die!
___:
hdjsjdjs
I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to
66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing
___:
Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD
MEEEEE
66ccff: dkja;eljd;
___:
GOD
me: ah I feel good today
Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash
66ccff: oh Mood
___: Avpd solidarity
66ccff:
honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek
it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment
___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth
66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle
___:
Me
Bhhjsfjd
66ccff:
i was like
holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot
i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe
i am Bad
___:
All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil
66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death
___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"
66ccff:
oh my god same!
i looked over my abt page and i was like
this looks fake tumblerina
___:
apologetics: so mankind is basically evil
Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world
66ccff:
me
ME
MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME
___: HHDHSBDJSHD
66ccff:
sometimes i have fantasies of like
going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed
___:
M. E
m
66ccff:
and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever
i jsut can't see how some people can be like
oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff
and not jus twant to kill themselves
___:
I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after
God. Yea
66ccff:
the joke is that people hate if you overapologize
so you jsut
damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:
___:
me: uh sorry for being sad
People: don't apologize for that
Me:
Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad
Hhhfjjejd
Me:
ME
WKJD;LKD
"can you stop saying sorry"
"sorry"
___:
me: oh God I'm so miserable
Someone: oh im sorry
Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me
66ccff: "what did i just say"
___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG
66ccff:
:smile: :gun:
MOOD
___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?
66ccff: pity is too much kindness
___:
God yea
LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like
"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"
66ccff:
someone tells you to watch where you're going
feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day
___:
m.
mebdbdhdhdjs
66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't
___: hell brain
66ccff: so i can't say what i want
___: GGG YEAH
66ccff:
be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me
>feels worse anyway
___:
Hhhhhhhhhhh me
Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe
But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s
66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me,
___:
Mebdndmdkskdjsja god
[looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou
66ccff:
tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean
MOOD
___: GOD yea
66ccff:
i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake
smh
___: God me
66ccff:
me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not
me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this
when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking:
avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless
___:
__pd isnkind of the same but like
if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL
I hate it
And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully
DOING MT SHIT
66ccff: cripes
___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
66ccff:
me in high school
UGH i'm ahving that problem right now
dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka
___:
me: I'll spend this hour scheduling
[2hours later]
Me: [stressed
nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks
66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over
___: rip
66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day
___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight
66ccff: bad coping habits
___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD
66ccff: oh mood
___:
relationship issues: occur
Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again
66ccff:
i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn
and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die
kejd;kakejd
friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them
___:
me: [perceives someone not caring for me]
me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m
MEEEEEE
avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like
In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying
66ccff:
i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30
yeah
my therapists in the past are like
why... so soon
___: Jfjdjfjdf
66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family"
___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just
66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan
___:
"why be awake longer than necessary"
Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me
66ccff:
because you hate yourself too much sleep
:^)
___:
God yea
That's true. Me rn
I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]
66ccff:
dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety)
like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse
___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but
66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation
___: my parents r so anti meds
66ccff: rrghbh
___:
also like
Internalized ableism
That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them
66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more
___:
So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people
Rifp
66ccff:
man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments
like...
i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school
.....
66ccff:
all accessibility problems are solvable
humans are so bad
___: caring ? About others ? What a concept
66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me
___:
Me
Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION
66ccff:
the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life
pay up
___: AAAA
66ccff:
yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there
w/ the "original sin" and stuff
that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc
judaism doesn't even have hell
___: it's really weird
66ccff:
i'm guessing its bc of jesus
like.... y'all binches killed him
so now this is life
- christainity
___:
Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck
Man
66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too
___: It's FUCKED!!!!!!
66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches
___: Oh same
66ccff: :^)
___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd
66ccff: oh yeah
....
66ccff:
how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else
scrumbles
___:
Me
Hdjehdsk
66ccff: ___ we are so fucked
___:
It's true
Life is fucked
We, are fucked
66ccff: existence is violence
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TUMBLR TAG GAME
tagged by @brawn-gp & @ctolisso thank you my friiiiends 💙
1. Why did you choose your url? I wanted to have an url related to the football club I support, and since kepa is part of the reasons why I started to follow chelsea plus ive always had some special admiration for goalkeepers in general so these are some really good matches!
2. Any side blogs? I don't have any side blogs but im one of the members of dailyf1
3. How long have you been on tumblr? I think I started this one in 2017, one year after euro2016 so woof, this year’s euro has some very special meaning to me!
4. Do you have a queue tag? yes I started to queue posts recently since I could be busy hence being a bit inactive for a couple of days. the tag is *く, which is a Japanese alphabet and sounds a little bit like queue. I started to learn Japanese this semester so yeah just wanna put what ive learned into my blog hahah.
5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? I remember I was searching for football pictures back in 2017 and got linked to tumblr then I created an account. I didn't even know how this place works at the beginning (I meant its kinda a bit different from other kinds of social media right?) I think I finally figured out everything (the tags, the fandoms, the asks/dms) during world cup 2018 (yeah it took me one year because im stupid *insert Charles’ voice*)
6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp? MASSSSEE Chelsea’s baby and pride <3 I was struggling choosing between the one of him holding the cl trophy and this one. but in the end I feel like this one gave me more of pure happiness vibes and the little smile with the medal around his neck is just amazing <3
7. Why did you choose your header? okay my whole tumblr theme is kinda all about Chelsea winning cl which is literally not a secret anyway but yeah the header im using right now including my fav bromance Tammy/Mason and the match winner Kai, so I literally couldn't find a better one to use.
8. What’s your post with the most notes? Lewis’ post-race interview from Abu Dhabi GP 2020 it was such a beautiful moment that I was so amazed by this man’s pure reaction and his love for this sport. im so glad to have this moment on my blog and that people appreciate it too, even until now!
9. How many mutuals do you have? idk XD but I started to have more mutuals when I joined the f1 fandom, and then found out that a lot of them are football fans too which made me extremely happy!
10. How many followers do you have? 3.6k for now. thank you all for following me ♡ (I always do the appreciation post when I reached 1k-3k in the past no matter how busy I was, so hopefully I will be able to write the next one soon!)
11. How many people do you follow? 106! I don't like dramas so I tried to make my dashboard as clean as possible.
12. Have you ever made a shit post? well I guess not. im not a funny person so im sure no one will like the shit post or bad jokes I make. but if shit post means gifs/edits getting so less notes, then yeah there are a lot XD
13. How often do you use tumblr a day? more than I should have tbh! </3 but this is the place I enjoyed the most when it comes to sports related. ive learned so much from many people!
14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog? oh my this is surly black history. and the answer is yes I did. I had fight/argument with my ex-mutuals quite a lot and all of the processes didn't go well so I was not friends with them anymore. sometimes it seemed to be ridiculous that, I mean, its just sport, but different opinions on it leads to a bad situation and bad taste between friendship. however I guess this kind of thing is unavoidable especially all the communication was through online.
15. How do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog’ posts? if its something I agree then I will definitely reblog!
16. Do you like tag games? ofc! but sometimes I forgot to do it when I was too busy.
17. Do you like ask games? yeah I do! its a good way to kill the time but also like rarely people asked me anything aksjnakjsn (im a boring person I know </3)
18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? all of my mutuals are much more famous than meeeee
19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? @ilott well do you count 👀 (jk ily)
20. Tags : @sunslittlesister @yuleneverwalkalone @kiwi-lawson @ilott @withhopeinourhearts @elpuppies @abrahamtammy @footballffbarbiex @e-durm only if you want to do it! 💙
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