#this isn’t a vent post btw i just had this thought a couple weeks ago and i thought

[shoel4ced]

i would make a great boyfriend if not for the horrors

[kc-krill]

Time to Vent

Alright so. This is the only way I can really vent anonymously. I don't want to post on Instagram or some shit like that. I'm not even sure if anyone is actually gonna read this shit but here goes.

I feel shitty. Like really shitty. Like I dont want to be here in this world shitty. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that. Don't Comment numbers to suicide hotlines because I'm honestly not going to call them. But I don't want to be here anymore. I lost the fucking love of my life and I hate everything.

It all started back in October. Yes. I know most of you are thinking "why are you so broken up about a girl you met 3 months ago". But she was different. It didn't feel like 3 months. I 100% she is my soul mate. I 100% believe we were together in a past life. And we've found each other again. I don't open up a lot. Not ever actually. My best friend of 6 years gets angry with me because I don't open up. But it was so easy with her. I never felt like I had to hide or lie or act any other way than myself.

When I first met her, let's call her K, she invited me to a party. I thought she was dating someone at the time so I didn't really think past "this girl is pretty awesome. She'd be an awesome friend". She was single I come to find out. The next week she invited me universal horror nights with her friends. We are inseperable the whole night. It's our night. We laugh and joke and it's the start of something extraordinary.

As time goes on she says she believes in an concept of soul mates. That there are about 7 people on this Earth who you are destined/scientifically researched to be the most compatible with. And we talk and talk about how we are each other's 1 of 7's. This becomes our main cute thing.

But she tells me she just got out of a relationship and though she really likes me she says she wants to be 100% I'm not a rebound so we have to wait a while. And she wants to experience being single a little bit because she's been tied down time after time for the past few years. I think that's pretty reasonable so why not.

So she goes on a date with this guy. Let's call him T. They go to Knott's scary farm Halloween night. It just so happens im going with my friends that night too. So during that night we meet up with them. She didn't realize it was a date apparently until halfway through. He seems cool enough. She said she didn't really see a future with him aside from a couple dates and possibly a cool friendship.

So fast forward to Nov 25. I take her out for her birthday. We go to Disney. We have an amazing day. It was magical. The very next day. I get into a car accident. My car is totaled. I get a concussion. Nothing serious enough for an overnight stay at the hospital. You know how they say life flashes before you're eyes right before you think you are gonna die? I didn't see my life. I saw her. Only her. So that night, I tell her about the crash and she is so worried about me she sneaks out and comes to my house. I tell her I'm in love with her. This isn't out of nowhere btw. We have been basically dating this whole time. Kissing. Cuddling. Having sex. The whole shabang. Anyway. The next day or the day after that. She says it back.

So she's still seeing T. They've gonna on a couple dates here and there. Nothing serious. But he's starting to really like her. I ask her about it and she says that she's not that into him but she just like the chillness of not being tied down right now. She says they won't sleep together. A couple nights later they get drunk and sleep together.

So I'm heartbroken. She says it was a mistake and that she was drunk. I try to look past it because we weren't together so I can't really be mad. She didn't cheat on me. But I'm still there for her. I told her I would never leave like everyone else in her life. No matter what happens im gonna be there. Even if we don't end up together. We keep having our thing. And here's where I fuck it up and you all hate me.

So I have an anger problem. I punch walls. I break things. I wouldn't ever slap or hit a woman. But when I get back I don't realize how much force I'm using. So a couple times I've grabbed her arm or her thigh and she said it hurts. I've since stopped doing that. But that's not the bad part. I also have a really bad habit of hitting myself when I get angry. I have no release so I take it out on my own body. So during one really really intense fight I grabbed her hands and started punching my face with them. Her hands hurt for days after that.

Yes yes before you comment how much of a piece of shit I am I understand. I 100% know I'm a horrible person. I get it. You don't have to remind me.

This fucks everything up. That week I was staying with her while her parents were away. The next night she is hanging out with T and she texts me she is really furious with me and can't see me tonight and I can't stay there. She tells me T won't spend the night there with her. She tells me to come the next morning. I arrive the next morning and blow up her phone that I'm there. No response. So I come inside and go to her room. What do I find but them naked in bed together. So I knock on her door loud AF and we have an argument. She tells me they were going to have sex but didn't. And I believe her because despite all of this we are 100% truthful to each other. That and since I knew they were hanging out I took the lube. Because I bought it and I'm not ok with him using something I bought to fuck the woman I love. She tells me that me fucking up like that brought T and her closer and he's not just some guy anymore.

Anyway. I, of my own volition realize that I'm a fuck and go to anger management. I can't have a healthy relationship if that part of me is there still. So I'm working to get rid of it. I told her if I ever touch her again while angry I will walk away no questions asked.

Side note. This whole time she is trying to get me to go on holiday for New year's with her and her family. They first try to go to Saint Lucia in the Caribbean but my dad won't let me. Then Hawaii but my dad takes too long to give an answer.

So I'm in Texas for Christmas and she tells me she's taking T on holiday. They are going to Colorado. I feel horrible. She says she went to therapy and the therapist told her not to be with me. That she shouldn't have this anger in her life. The next few days are a bit awkward because she basically just told me she's not gonna choose me. But we get back into our flow. Flirting. Sexting. We talk about all the "fun"we're gonna have when she gets back. Cut to today

She tells me he told her he loves her. Gave her key to his apartment. She hasn't said it back. But they are official now. She says they have an expiration date. She doesn't think it's gonna last past may/june. But for now, they are together.

Believe it or not that was the quick version. That's why I feel shitty. The one person in this world who I think doesn't think I'm a total fuck up, I lost. I fucked up the only thing I've cared about. This has been one shitty shitty shitty year and this is a fucking Grand ol way to end it.

I'm pretty positive no one read this whole fucking thing. If you did thank you so much.

TL;DR - I fell in love and fucked it up and I just want to die.