#this means everythingto me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aquarianlights · 6 years

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PSA to everyone who knows me and interacts with me:

I don’t know what’s happened to me or what’s happening. I don’t know if their lupus/fibro diagnosis (I’ll know which sometime this month or next) is causing this, if the meds they put me on for it is causing this, if the lack of drugs I have is causing it, if my psych meds are fucked or need to be switched or adjusted or whatever I DON’T KNOW

But I am angry. I have never experienced black-out anger as I have these past few weeks. I spent approximately 6 hours driving and in and out of stores yesterday without any memory or knowledge of it happening because I was blacked out from anger. There is proof in voice clips I sent to both Tiffy and Chelle. It was terrifying for me and those in contact with me.

Usually the only time I black out from anger is when I have weed in my system, if someone is smoking weed in the vicinity of me, or if I have ingested some sort of herbal/natural remedy (ESPECIALLY weed).

I don’t NORMALLY black out from anger without something herbal to stimulate this (normally weed). I will not get angry to the point of beating someone until they stop breathing unless there is something like weed in my system.

Yesterday....I was not in the vicinity of anything herbal. Definitely not weed. There were no chances of me ingesting anything. Yet, somehow, there are 6 hours missing from my day from pure rage.

I am scared. I am hurting myself every night. And it’s not enough. Even if I get enough blood out of myself that I’m lightheaded from blood loss, it’s not enough. No matter how deep I cut, it’s not enough. No matter how many pills I put into my system, it’s not enough. Nothing is enough.

Psychs can’t help me. All they can do is drug me. And I am never going back to anti-psychs. NEVER. And I will NEVER allow myself to be institutionalized again. NEVER.

Psychs are trained to deal with people with depression, anxiety, marital problems, autism, whatever the fuck. . . NORMAL mental illnesses. They aren’t trained for a combination of BPD, schizo-affective disorder, and socio or psychopathy. I REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THEY WROTE DOWN SOCIO AND VERBALLY SAID PSYCHO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS A DIFFERENCE AND I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING SYNONYMOUS UNTIL...until a friend told me when I was diagnosed that there’s a difference.

I’m beyond my limit. I’m to the point at where cutting isn’t enough. Seeing blood pool isn’t enough. Holding globs of blood in my hands isn’t enough. Slicing and stabbing away at myself isn’t enough. I can’t go any deeper. I can’t go any harder. I can’t......

There’s not enough drugs. I can maybe down 10-15 valium with just mild respiratory depression that won’t kill me but I don’t WANT TO EXPERIENCE RESPIRATORY DEPRESSION AT ALL but anything less than that WON’T BE ENOUGH TO NUMB THE PAIN both psychological and physical

And I don’t have enough

I don’t

There’s other things

I have a pain appointment tomorrow at a pain clinic but I dounbt they will be any help since I don’t have all my pill bottles and am mising one key bottle which will make me look like an addict, which I AM AN ADDICT but the fact is, I’m not LOOKING for this script they can give me which is narcotics as an addict. I’m looking at it for a way to FUCKING GET OUT OF BED AND FUNCTION FOR AT LEAST 6 HOURS A DAY. To drive my car, to play with my dog, to walk my dog, to go to school, to get a job, to get an internship, TO FUNCTION TO FUNCTION TO BE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Nsaids don’t work alone, narcotics don’t work alone, THAT’S WHY THIS SCRIPT COULD BE MY SAVING FUCKING GRACE but will they help me like I need to be helped? Probably not because I don’t have all my pill bottles

So wyhen I get home tomorrow after the pain clinic trip....and they deny me like I nknow they will...that will be it. That will be fucking it and I won’t be able to take it anymore

There is a spot on the human body that, if cut, you will bleed out in approximately 20 minutes, give or take, and be unconscious for about 10-15 minutes of that, give or take. But the time you are awake, you will be in excruciating pain. If you can get through that and gt to the point of passing out, you’re solid. As long as no one finds you. But if some CRUEL FCKING PERSON were to call 911 and “save you”, you’d never be able to use your hand again. And for someone with dreams of becoming a surgeon, that’s not something I can risk unless I know for sure no one is going to find me for those FULL 20 FUCKING MINUTES

But I can’t...I can’t guarantee that so I can’t do it.

I’m angry. I’m constantly angry and idk if this is normal with chronic physical pain as bad as mine is. I’m so angry I could beat someone to a pulp until they stop breathing. I won’t, but I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. And boy would it help a fuckton. But I won’t. At least, not today. Not while there’s still this stupid chance of hope I’m giving myself.

is this normal? With moderate-severe chronic pain? With a scary undiagnosed illness? I’ve never dealt with internal physical pain like this that disabled me from doing normal every day activities. I expected to be a completely able-bodied person for life.

And I’m mad. I’m angry. I’M FURIOUS. I WANT TO DESTROY THINGS AND HUMAN BEINGS FROM THE INSIDE OUT! I want to punch someone in their stomach and grab their intestines and rip them out with my bare hands and wrap them around their own throat and stand over them while they struggle to live as the life seeps out of their eyes.

They aren’t just intrusive thoughts anymore. They’re seeping into my dreams. My nightmares? They feel more like dreams because every time I kill someone in my dreams.....I wake up and feel so much more relaxed and so much better mentally.

Is this normal with chronic physical pain? Is anger normal? Are these dreams nromal? Are intrusive thoughts suddenly coming to life in dreams normal? Are intrusive thoughts becoming desires real because of physical pain?

Maybe these meds are interacting with my psych meds or my disorders themselves.

I don’t know who toeven call to help. I’m trying to get in touch with a psych BUT PSYCHS AREN’T TRAINED TO HANDLE PATIENTS LIKE ME. I don’t know who to call or where to go and I WILL NOT BE LOCKD UP AGAIN. I REFUSE. I REFUSE TO BE LOCKED UP AND I REFUSE TO SPEND 7 MORE YEARS DRUGGED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Maybe everything will resolve itself.

A lot of other major life things have just happened so maybe it’s not solely this?

I’m so angry I could kill. Not an animal, ofc. NEver an animal. But a human being? Sure. I won’t. I can’t. But I want to.

FUcking hell I just want the pain to stop. I want everythingto stop. I want to die but I can’t and I don’t even know WHY I CAN’T ANYMORE.

Does it end? Does itever end? Does the pain go away? Do the meds go away?

DOES THE ANGER GO AWAY?

This was intended as a psa to tell yu guys that when interacting with me, I will probably be mean and awful and horrible and maybe even ruthlessly cruel. But...it’s not you. You did nothing wrong.

WHEN DOES IT END!?

#personal #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #lupus #fibro

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