#this one? this one? the assignments drive me insane. gonna murder several people at the end of this. no im not. but emotionally

[kulliare]

this is the first time i've violently disagreed with everything on a course topic but. uhm. it's making it very hard to do the work

[azumasoroshi]

HELLO HI YOUR LONDON SIDE DLC POSTS HAVE ME DYING I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VANLOCK THOUGHTS BEFORE THESE LOSER DIVORCEES FUCKING KILL ME

YOU WROTE THE VANLOCK DANCE OF DEDUCTION THING OH MY GOD A VANLOCK ICON HAS VISITED MY HUMBLE CHAMBERS

words cannot express how much i love vanlock like i got into it for the exes energy at first in dgs 1 and then it all spiralled from there and i started reading fanfiction (there's this one really good author i absolutely adore) bro dude i was there when there were 36 vanlock fics on ao3 and 18 of them were in chinese i have remained devoted and i will continue to remain devoted to these gayasses

most of my thoughts ive already posted about them, some of them i plan to make into fics once school stops kicking my ass with a vengeance and im writing one right now but lemme try to highlight everything i like about their dynamic uhhhh

there is so much potential post-dgs2 for their dynamic because found family and [cOUGHs in dgs2 spoilers] and literally how are they NOT gonna have to be in contact 24/7 they are going to be married in 10 years if iris has anything to say about it.

we dont know ANYTHING about their history even though they clearly have a history which is just a green flag for headcanons to go wild, i mean im already deadset on the idea that both of them at least minored in theater with how fuckin flamboyant they are so van zieks majored in law while herlock majored in either chemistry, engineering, or the art of driving everyone insane. or everything idk

they must have done a stage kiss at least once that was extremely fraught with actual romantic/sexual tension that everyone but them noticed and was extremely awkward about. benjamin/albert happens to be with van zieks when they both see herlock in the present and albert is like "oh hey i remember him you guys did that really awkward stage k-" and van zieks is like "please stop talking"

i said this in another post but it is so unclear what their relationship is that you could assign so many things to it. exes, divorcees, one night stand, several night stands, coworkers with benefits, secretly married, what are you i could write so much fanfiction about you there are so many potential complex emotions and conflicted feelings and regret and i live for that shit

I NEED BAROK TO WALTZ WITH HERLOCK IN A DANCE OF DEDUCTION PLEASE GOD

i'm pretty sure herlock DOES trust van zieks to some extent and my memory is fuzzy but i don't think he's ever really indicated that he actually thought van zieks was The Reaper despite calling him shinigami-kun/reapy/mr. reaper and such?? correct me if im wrong but he seems to subtly guide ryuu into realizing that barok is not in fact a murderer

the london dlc case literally has me reeling like sholmes used his very questionable connections to find out van zieks' birthday and then both he and iris snuck into his office to do nice things for him what the fuck like this was a family project?? they straight up adopted him and he didnt notice

i read this one addition to my post where someone talked about how barok and sholmes are a lot nicer to each other in private and sholmes says "barok" instead of reapy and i havent seen much of 2-5 but i dont even care if it's true or not im making it canon in my head im so down bad for the enemies in public softer in private dynamic like shizaya or dabihawks

the way the public actively avoids both of them, one of them because he's annoying and the other because he's supposedly a murderer is good flavor i enjoy that and i enjoy people gawking at them being in public together interacting normally i read this one fic where barok was used to observing the thirteen foot distance between him and the crowd and then herlock joined him and he was like oh. it's fourteen feet now ahskdGSDGSHKkjhdsjh

gina iris and the apprentice teasing/exposing barok for his crush on herlock is also very fun, and vice versa

them being like "my masked apprentice is better" "no ryuunosuke is better"while said apprentices are making out

they qualify for my "teachers that have tried to kill each other at least once and are also probably married and students have no idea what their relationship is" au that i lovingly bestow on all my older people ships

there's probably more but i have to get back to work ahjdkGHJSJ anyway vanlock supremacy

[i-watch-too-many-movies]

5 Favorite First Viewings of July 2021

Quick note: Hi everyone, I'm back, things have honestly been getting better for me, and I'm glad to be on this site full of cinephiles, people that are too horny, and cinephiles that are too horny. I'll be more active on here. But anyway, let's talk about some movies.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) (dir. Russ Meyer)

CW: Abortion mention

What a picture. What a gorgeous, sexy, horrifying slice of what Hollywood and star life can do to a bunch of bright-eyed young people looking for success. Also is a critique of how macho nature can ruin friendships and romantic relationships with total ease. I was obsessed with the scene transitions, like Pet pouring pancake mix onto a plate after the abortion scene, or Kelly singing after someone screams before their murder in the opening scene.

Great, campy flick with exceptional music too.

Deep Cover (1992) (dir. Bill Duke)

Laurence Fishburne plays Russell Stevens, a Cincinnati police officer who hopes to do well by the community, to make a difference. He’s traumatized by the death of his substance-abusing father, and wants to make sure that he can help the people of his own town. He goes undercover on assignment as a drug dealer, where his boss orders him to take down the kingpin. Stevens realizes the police’s own failings while on assignment. The racist abuse he takes from Agent Carver, and the realization that the police department is protecting drug kingpins like Gallegos and Barbossa. Giving drugs to Black kids and Latinx kids so there will be less of them. The cops are no different than the drug kingpins looking to make filthy amounts of money.

Fishburne’s performance is excellent, as Stevens feels he has to maintain a stone face so he doesn’t get caught by Jason or Barbossa or any of his cronies, but also he maintains a stone face to try and hide his emotion, his trauma. But when he gets pissed, Fishburne acts it beautifully, as is when he has to deliver a funny quip to counter Jason’s douchebaggery. And the production design, holy fuck, the sets and the lighting.

A perfect neo-noir for the HW Bush years, arguably one of the most timeless commentaries on the era, as well as the police as a whole.

Fast Five (2011) (dir. Justin Lin)

I was torn between including this or Furious 7, but I ultimately went with Fast Five because it felt like an important turning point in the series, it's a great heist film, and it reached the same chaotic highs and genuinely excellent filmmaking that I had been waiting for since 2 Fast and Tokyo Drift.

Fast Five opens where Fast & 4ious left off. Dom is hauled away to prison on a bus. Mia and Brian drive in their high-tech cars and knock the bus over, helping Dom escape. The title drops. Fast Five. It’s such an intense yet short action scene, and dropping the title immediately after it lets the viewer know that this movie is not fucking around. It’s arguably gonna be more intense and insane than the previous one.

And it is. The filmmakers made the decision to use a lot more practical stunt work for the film, and as a result, it leads to, so far, the best action in the entire series, since 2 Fast and Tokyo Drift. It’s not just how it’s shot or edited, it’s the geography of the locations, the rooftop chase echoes the rooftop chase of Jackie Chan’s masterwork Police Story, particularly the way each character bounces from top to top.

And of course, there’s the silliest moment in the movie, the one that matches the intensity and kineticism of a film like 2 Fast, which is driving the Reyes’ bank vault throughout the street, getting chased by corrupt cops.

I know we make fun of Vin Diesel for saying “family” all the time in these films, but there’s a reason we remember him saying all of these impassioned monologues. Because he’s unbelievably sincere, and has so much love in his heart for every single person in the room. Anytime he delivers a speech to any of them, it’s genuinely heartwarming.

This is the film that finally shows La Familia in their best environment, which is working together, in a movie genre that allows them to work together, which is a heist film. And a great one at that.

Last Days (2005) (dir. Gus Van Sant)

CW: Mention of suicide

Several films have been made about legendary rock artist Kurt Cobain, and for good reason. He is one of the most tragic figures in rock and roll. A tortured genius who has written and performed classic song after classic song with his band Nirvana. He was called the voice of a generation, and helped change the face of mainstream alternative rock music as we know it. But with that fame, and all of those expectations came a worsening depression and further drug abuse, and his eventual death. But most of the films about Kurt Cobain ask one question which gets under my skin way too much:

“Who REEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY killed Kurt Cobain?”

It was him. He did. And it’s okay, I’m sad too. Thinking that Kurt Cobain was murdered is completely ignoring the depression that he faced. And despite Last Days being more inspired by the death of Cobain rather than actually about it, it feels much more honest than the conspiracy documentaries on his death, wanting to leech off of his dead body.

This is the last installment of Gus Van Sant’s “Death Trilogy”, the previous two installments being Gerry (2001), and Elephant (2003). While I have not seen Gerry, I have seen Elephant though, and love that film for its minimalist, raw nature, and its boldness for not romanticizing the school shooter or the lives they had taken. Last Days falls into that trap once, as I don’t agree with the shot of Blake’s soul climbing up a ladder, that always struck me as cheesy in a film that is anything but.

Last Days is similar to Elephant in terms of the way it is filmed. Its usage of long takes, and still shots of characters doing various things, such as Blake playing his guitar behind a drum set. The way these moments are shot is similar to a Chantal Akerman film, particularly Jeanne Dielman. Where the acts of the mundane are the stars of the film. Blake wanders around an empty house, and the viewer can feel the pain, not just through Michael Pitt’s acting, but from the house itself. Its decay, its paint peeling from the walls, from the soft glow of the lamp that lights his face.

I say this is the most honest film about Kurt Cobain, because, despite the characters technically being fictional (the main character who looks, walks, and acts like Cobain is named Blake), this film focuses on the mental state of a person before they eventually take their own life. They’re still working, still making music, still trying to talk to friends and bandmates, but the depression lingers on. Not once does this film try to make you believe that someone else killed him, because you can see the signs of his own suicide taking place just through the film’s excellent cinematography by Harris Savides, showing his mental state only growing worse through the production design.

And it’s empathetic with him. There’s no judgement for leaving rehab, there’s no finger-wagging at him or the people he was with, there’s just a silent prayer at the end of the film, hoping that he is in a better place than he was.

Sometimes you don’t need to show every event that led you to where you are, all you can show is the moment, which also makes this better than most biopics as well, as it never feels messy or muddled, just showing one moment of Blake/Kurt’s life.

I really loved this film, and I’ll be writing about it in full soon.

The Village (2004) (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

The Cracked.com/Channel Awesome audience stuck in 2012 will tell you that this was the beginning of the end for Shyamalan. That this was when people stopped taking him seriously, that this was when he became more of a punchline because of his twist endings.

But why?

The Village was released in 2004, deep in the Bush administration, during the early stages of the Iraq War. The leaders of the time were talking about imaginary boogeymen, terrorists that would attack the civilians if they could. Because of 9/11, politicians could get away with these false ideas with the majority of Americans fully believing them. The boogeymen in The Village are “The People We Don’t Speak Of”, monsters attracted by the color red. Yet we find out that they are all costumes made by the Elders of the land, designed to prevent people from going outside the land. They rule by fear disguised as love. They’ve gone through their own traumas through the deaths of their family members, but they’ve decided to completely abandon the lives that they’ve had and have their children living lies.

9/11 impacted American life by teaching citizens to live primarily by fear, to not trust anyone but their own people. And yet, post-9/11, all that increased was not “coming together”, but hate crimes against South Asian people. The rage white Americans had felt led to conservative politicians pushing fear-mongering agendas, and said white Americans blindly accepted. The outside world was progressing, but too many people were fine with living with further conservative politics only regressing American life further and further back, all for the illusion of safety. Meanwhile, the only threats to them were not the brown citizens outside of America they were so afraid of, but the white elders, the white politicians.

The Village explores these fears so eloquently, all while having a terrifying atmosphere, an enchanting score, and brilliant sound design. I enjoyed this movie very much.

Other viewings I enjoyed:

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) (dir. Mike Judge) (re-watch)

Blow Out (1981) (dir. Brian de Palma) (re-watch)

Clueless (1995) (dir. Amy Heckerling) (re-watch)

Furious 7 (2015) (dir. James Wan)

The Long Goodbye (1973) (dir. Robert Altman)

Lupin III: The First (2019) (dir. Takashi Yamazaki)

Unbreakable (2000) (dir. M. Night Shyamalan) (re-watch)

Velvet Goldmine (1998) (dir. Todd Haynes)

The Visit (2015) (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

[ziracona]

What happens in Far Cry 5? I literally only know about it through your posts

Uhhh, okay so this is gonna be a little long but here goes. So, Far Cry games are always you (some PC, changes per game) vs some dictator/cult leader/mass gang leader type sitch. Apparently 4 also ends with an unhappy ending no matter what, but no other game ends remotely like 5 does, and 5 also is the only one to take place in the US or vs Americans.

So, Far Cry 5 takes place in Montana. Basically, there’s a doomstay offshoot-‘Christian’ extremist cult calling themselves Project at Eden’s Gate, following a white dude named Joseph Seed and his siblings (biological brothers Jacob and John, and adopted [kind of – more like recruited to fill a cult role] sister Faith). You play as a rookie deputy from rural Montana, going on this assignment with Deputies Pratt and Hudson, Sherriff Whitehorse, and US Marshal Burke. You begin the game headed to the cult’s center to arrest their leader, Joseph, because a guy in the cult livestreamed a little of a service secretly to try and expose them, was caught, and had his eyes ripped out by Joseph and then was killed on the stream, so you’re there to arrest him. Mostly law enforcement are afraid to go in because it’s several thousand radical insane Americans with SMGS in a cult in the middle of fuckall nowhere Montana, so yeah. Anyway. You show up and arrest Joseph, but a bunch of his followers (PEGies for project at eden’s gate) swarm the helicopter and you crash and the correspondent at the sheriff’s office is working with the cult, so all of you get grabbed initially, except the PC, who gets grabbed not by the cult but by a stranger. You wake up tied to a bedpost and confronted by the stranger who debates a second then decides to let you go and try to fight the cult instead of turning you in, and introduces himself as Dutch. He gives you a breakdown of what stuff is like here, which is, uhhhh, bad. Basically, the people here are trapped because they’ll get kidnapped trying to leave, but the cult comes for everyone eventually. John physically abuses/tortures people into accepting the whole cult “power of Yes” thing and confessing their ‘sins,’ which he then tattoos on their body, then cuts the slab of skin off their chest to staple to his wall, which is part of their initiation into the cult, as is the torture, forced baptism, and implied sexual assault by him as well. Joseph has given your coworkers to a sibling each, respectively, sans the Sheriff, who was sent to one but escaped like you did. John has Hudson, the only female deputy (unless the PC is playing as woman as well). Faith has the Marshall and was supposed to get the Sheriff, and Jacob has Pratt. You want to save your friends and Dutch wants to help, but also asks you to help the people in the community, so you do.

Basically, the cult has many ways of converting people, but also kill a fuck ton of civilians. There’s a lot of times you’ll be driving down a road and see a civilian tied up with their hands behind their back on their knees and two cultists about to execute them (usually someone who tried to flee whose car they ran off the road), and you have a very failable but potential chance to save them. A lot of these people can become your NPC companions as well and help you fight the cult if you do. I’ve gotten very good at sniping, because if a cultist sees you coming, they’ll execute any prisoners so you have no chance to save them. Definitely saved hundreds of people at this point, but it wasn’t easy. Anyway. Also you’ll see vans of prisoners being carted off (usually one or two from a house at a time), and you can shoot the driver and save them if you’re careful. But a lot of the time you show up to try to help people to find them already murdered, or hung up like a scarecrow in a field with flowers stuffed into their emptied stomach, being used for target practice. On an alter, or hung from a ceiling with deer horns tied to them. Staked through on the side of the road with a cult cross. Starved or shot to death in cages. It’s pretty grim.

Anyway, so you go around answering calls for help, doing your best to slowly track down your friends, but also help all the poor suffering people being murdered and abused by this awful cult. There are random NPCs who can be companions, plus specialists, who are more quest-designed-to-be-met characters. These include Jess, Dutch’s niece, who you find in a cage to be shipped to Jacob for psychological torture and brainwashing (I’ll get to him), a puma I loved named Peaches, a pilot named Nick who is just trying to get his family out of town and resist the cult’s attempts to steal his property or buy it out (they stole or bought land and stuff from /everyone/ and took advantage of/ransacked the whole community), but will stay to help you, and a puppy named Boomer whose family called for help that came to late and were shot to death in front of him. You find him in a cage being kicked at by cultists and save him, and watch him go cry over his dead family, then take in as your own.  

Stuff goes better, though, and you make progress. There’s a lot of strongholds you can help protect, like a little town where the resident preacher and the bar owner lady are trying to keep the whole place from being overrun by the cult, and a jail up east where the sheriff and a bunch of survivors/rebels are holed up trying to survive Faith. Basically the area is broken up into three districts, and whichever you complete missions in, you get closer to a fight with that Seed sibling (also you get kidnapped and have to listen to them monologue so much. Kill me).

So John will kidnap you and force baptize you, tie you to a chair and tell you how he’s going to torture (and implied assault) you until you scream out your sins, then you escape but he does all that to Hudson, who you can’t save for another chunk of time, and he punishes brutally and is super fucked up by the time you finally rescue her. She tells you that Joseph (the leader—thinks he is God’s chosen prophet and calls himself “the Father”) would come and watch her and the others be tortured and they’d beg for mercy and he’d just stand there and watch. She’s super messed up but alive, and you’re able to get her out and kill John, but not before he kidnaps you and the preacher, bar lady, and Nick the family man, then forces Nick to confess his sins (under threat of awful shit happening to his wife and infant daughter if he does not), and then be held down and have his chest flesh cut off by John and stapled to a wall. You get forcibly tattooed with a sin but escape before suffering the same bc the preacher keeps a gun in his bible. Anyway. Digressing. You eventually kill John and rescue Hudson.

Over in Jacob’s territory, people are inducted into the cult by being kidnapped, psychologically and physically tortured, and straight up mind-controlled to go into fits of rage at a specific song being played. They are pitted against each other in some eugenicist “only the strong survive, sacrifice the weak” bullshit. There’s a militia called the Whitetails there, fighting back. Before you meet them, though, you’re kidnapped by Jacob and strapped to a chair, then subjected to psychological torture to try to condition you to kill the weak. You wake up days later, barely alive, left for dead having seemed to resist/fail his trials, still strapped to a chair. Among a ton of other dead bodies. Some of the Whitetails show up, looking for survivors, expecting none, and find you. Though everyone else protests it is too big a risk and you might be brainwashed, one guy, Eli, orders the others to take you anyway and says he won’t leave you to die. You pass out and wake up again on a couch in a bunker, and a lady screams about you being a risk and needing to go, but Eli defends you again, then gives you something to drink and takes care of you/nurses you back to health and defends you from the more paranoid members. When you’re up again, he introduces you to the militia fighting Jacob’s people, and asks for your help rescuing some people in the same situation you were in. You then start to work with the Whitetails.

Periodically, your PC gets kidnapped by Jacob again and tortured each time/brainwashed. You escape with help from the militia and from Pratt, later, who was kidnapped and broken by Jacob, but isn’t gone, just terrified and fucked up. Deputy Pratt risks his life to rescue you when you’re in trouble and you try to escape together, but the brainwash song plays and he shoves you onto a convoy so you can escape, but doesn’t make it himself before snapping into a rage, and is recaptured, brutally punished and tortured by Jacob, and then left tied to a chair to starve to death in a cell for what he did. The player is captured again, and railroaded into, in one of the brainwashed fits of rage, killing Eli himself. : (  They then snap out of it, and infuriated and anguished, go to kill Jacob and save Pratt. Pratt is still alive, but super psychologically scarred. You kill Jacob.

I should note here that you can do the sibs in any order—for example, I did Faith’s first—but I am listing them in their kind of ‘suggested’ order. John, Jacob, Faith.

So, Faith. The way she gets people is drugs. She uses a compound she calls “Bliss” to drug people out of their minds. After you are drugged up enough, you suffer irreparable brain damage and cannot be cured. She does this to hundreds of people so that the cult can have “happy little slaves” to do all the hard work and meat-shield shit they need without ever fighting back or questioning it. You are kidnapped by her as well, multiple times. Or something??? With Faith you always hallucinate, so it’s really unclear and kinda bullshit. Anyway. You help the Sheriff and everyone holed up in the jail fight off a wave of cultists, keep doing your rescue poor civilians from awful deaths or lives as drugged up vegetable slaves. Faith keeps trying to win you over and get you to do her awful pilgrimage where people climb up a giant statue of Joseph and trust-fall jump off his bible to their deaths. This whole game and cult is really horrific. Eventually, you find the Marshal and save him, but he is really far gone. He’s hospitalized in the jail for a while after. Faith gets pissed at you after that and quits trying to win you over. Just drugs you and shows you how she’s mind controlling the Marshal, who is still under too much of her brain damage and control, into murdering one of his friends, then opening the gates to the jail so her people can get in, and then shooting himself in the head. The Marshal always does so and dies, as does one of his/your friends. And a ton of people at the jail. You run to try to save the Sheriff after helping the survivors at the jail, and fight Faith, who whines about how none of this is her fault the whole time after making the Marshal murder your friend and himself with her own hands while giggling at you about how it’s all your fault five minutes ago, and tries to get you not to kill her. You do, though, and she monologues about Joseph being the real deal, then dies. You find the sheriff almost drugged to the point of no return in a cell, going to hang himself to death while singing Amazing Grace while you can’t do shit to get into the room to stop him, but awake and himself enough inside to plead with you to shut off the gas pumps for the drugs before he hangs himself, before going back to smiling and singing and pulling up a chair under a noose. You run to shut off the gas, save him, blow up the bunker, and get out.

Joseph then kidnapps all your ally characters and drugs them with Bliss into being on his side and rants at you about how all their torture and death is your fault and you are awful for murdering his siblings, then offers to let people go if you walk away. You can do so, in which case your allies get in a car with you, only for the son that triggers rage and homicide in Pratt and the PC to play, implying before the cut to black that the deputy (and Pratt maybe) kill all your friends/each other.

If you resist Joseph, he shrieks at you about not all problems being solved by a bullet, and you have a boss fight where you save your friends/snap them out of it, then defeat Joseph.

Once he’s in cuffs, a nuclear bomb goes off because apparently in this world North Korea bombs the US just then or some shit, and you try to make it to Dutch’s bunker in time. You’re in a car crash and all the other deputies and the sheriff are instantly killed. You are unconscious and dragged away by Joseph. You wake in the bunker tied to a bed with Dutch’s body on the floor, and Joseph tells you he was a prophet and was right about the collapse and you’re his family now because his old one is dead and the game ends.

 That’s it.

And in the DLC for it, that makes not only that the canon end, but that the Deputy joins Joseph and is converted to a cult follower by him, and Joseph is now an ally character leading the remnants of his cult.

 Needless to say, I am pissed. This is the /only/ Far Cry game where the villain wins regardless, as well as the only one where they suddenly decide to …??? stan??? the torturing abusive brainwashing serial killer? And of course it’s the one in America where the enemy is a hyper-religious Christian-offshoot cultist brainwashing vile serial torture murdering messiah-complex gaslighting abusive white man who thinks he’s God. I am beyond disgusted by that choice in this game and glad I found out before finishing it; wish I had never played any at all. I cannot adequately describe to you how horrific the cult shit is, and how like, gaslit by the company I feel for having played this game and being thrown that. I think this is legitimately the most upset I’ve ever been about a video game’s writing choice. What the actual fuck. Like, I cannot describe to you enough how fucked up this is you’d have to see the shit they do that’s getting pushed in a face-heel turn by the company as somehow justified and sympathetic like. As someone who has firsthand both experienced and seen trauma from an over-religious area of the US, and just a tiny % over-religious-lead-terrible-actions? I cannot emphasize enough how disgusted and enraged I am.

[withoutbringingmedreams]

Eyewitness fic pt. 15

Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10 | Pt. 11 | Pt. 12 | Pt. 13 | Pt. 14 or AO3 

Has time always moved this slowly? Lukas’ leg bounces up and down, shaking his whole desk. His pencil rolls off the top and clatters to the floor. He leans over, picks it up, and stares back at the clock. Only thirty seconds have passed.

Fucking hell.

No one’s said anything yet. Not out loud, anyway. But it’s still everywhere. His casual conversations have reached peak awkwardness. Eyes dart away from him too quickly. Whispering stops when he passes by. And he didn’t miss the collective stare of what felt like the entire school when he and Phillip walked in together.

What are they saying?

Did you hear Lukas is screwing that Phillip kid?

Lukas is a freak.

Lukas is a fag.

His leg jerks up too high and slams it into his desk. He lets out a stifled groan of pain and his pencil falls again. Someone behind him giggles.

If only he could text Phillip for help. Go to their special place, laugh about stupid things, hold hands, kiss—just relax for a damn minute. But he can’t risk being followed. Who else will “accidentally” stumble upon them? Who will wait behind a barely-open door to snap a picture—hard evidence, proof—that all the rumors are true? They’d be legends. It’d be the biggest thing to hit the school since…since he released his own not-quite-sex tape. 

So texting Phillip is not an option.  He settles for Rose instead. She’s his only source of information, and not knowing is obviously chipping away at his sanity.

      What else have you heard? Is it bad?

      Depends on what you mean by bad. I’m just not sure, am I supposed to be denying it if people ask me? What do you want me to do?

“No phones in class.” The teacher passes by his desk with a stern look. That’s a relief, actually, because he has no answers. If Rose keeps defending him and the truth comes out anyway, she’s going to look like the dumb one. And after all he’s put her through, she doesn’t deserve that.

On the other hand, if she says nothing, it’ll make everyone even more suspicious. And the rumors will grow and grow until they swallow his life whole. It’ll drive him insane, and insane Lukas has never been a very good boyfriend to Phillip.

And Phillip is all that matters.

He’s back to square one. Stuck in class, losing his shit, and with no idea what to do.

The girl next to him passes him a note, but of course it’s really from Simone, sitting two rows to the left. She grins over at him. Looks like she decided to go old school to get around the no phones rule. 

      What’re you doing today after school? We should hang. Wanted to ask you something.

Would that something be, are you gay? Or worse, wanna hook up?

He’s so screwed.

He doesn’t respond to her. Just sort of gestures to the teacher and shrugs. Hopefully that’s enough to buy him…what, a few minutes of peace? Class is almost over, and then it’s going to be a lot harder to avoid her.

Maybe he can text Rose and have her intercept? She’s always up for some passive aggressive pleasantries.

Yeah, maybe he can just continue to have his ex-girlfriend fight his battles for him. Real classy.

The bell rings. There’s a homework assignment on the board, but if he waits to copy it down Simone will definitely have him cornered. He’ll just have to ask another classmate later, if he has the balls to talk to them without breaking into a sweat and blurting out I love Phillip in response to “what’s up.”

Huh. There was that love word again.

“Lukas?” Simone calls out to him as he slings his bag over his shoulder and crosses into the hallway.

“I gotta, um…uh…” Ah, hell. “I gotta find Phillip.”

She stops short, and he darts into the oncoming stream of students.

Way to go Lukas. Why don’t you just kiss him in front of the whole school and be done with it. He’s running out of lies, and if his stupid inner voice is any indication, he’s going to crack at any second. That now-familiar tightening in his throat and chest starts up again.

But Thank God, there’s Phillip, standing by the doors to freedom. 

“Hey, man.” He walks toward him too quickly. And exactly how many feet should he keep between them to seem…not gay?

“Hey.” Phillip pinches the bridge of his nose. The dark circles around his eyes are back.

“You okay?” Lukas steps closer. And shit, he is definitely standing way too close now.

“Yeah. I mean, okay-ish. Just kinda tough being back here. I feel like everyone’s either pitying me or avoiding me… more than usual.” Phillip offers up a sad little smirk.

Lukas clenches his jaw shut. If he tells Phillip about the rumors now, it’ll only make things worse. What he needs to do is grab Phillip, get to his bike, and get them the hell out of here. Without actually grabbing Phillip, of course. 

“You wanna, um…” He slams his hands into his pockets and points with his elbow toward the parking lot. He’s not over today’s awkwardness, apparently, because he can’t make eye-contact with Phillip for long.

Phillip follows his lead, stuffing his own hands in his pockets as well. So they’re just two friends, walking along with their heads down and a totally normal amount of space between them.

Lukas is staring so hard at the ground he doesn’t see the group by his bike until it’s too late. Fuck, he’s led them right into a trap.

A trap, or friends with questions—whatever. They’re practically the same thing. Eric and Carter and Rose and even Simone are there now. When did she slip around him? Eric’s leaning on his bike, the fucker. If Lukas could afford to waste his air, he’d chew him out.

“Simone’s got the house to herself tonight,” Eric announces. “Gonna be a pretty chill party, though. Just gonna drink and hang. You in?”

“Uh…” He takes too long exhaling. Bad idea, when inhales are getting harder to manage. 

“C’mon, man, you need to just relax, right?” Eric play-punches him in the shoulder, and he stumbles back. “After everything, you deserve it. You’re wound up way too tight. Jake’s coming…you guys can clear the air.”

Rose’s eyebrows are little zigzags of worry, but she can’t help him now. And Phillip…Phillip is back to memorizing all the spots of dirt on his shoes. He’s made himself invisible, even while standing in the middle of this whole conversation.

Because that’s what Phillip does. Makes himself, makes what he wants, totally invisible while other people’s needs take center stage. He did it with his mom, with Lukas, and maybe he’ll even do it with the next guy he ends up with.

But there can’t be a next guy. There just can’t.

“I dunno.” He bumps Phillip with his shoulder. “What do you think? Wanna go?”

Phillip’s head jerks up and he blinks several times, like he’s just gone from darkness to sunlight. “I…um…”

Eric stares at both of them, eyes sliding back and forth warily. “Oh. I mean, I guess Phillip can come, if it’s okay with Simone.”

“Sure, yeah.” Simone can’t possibly look less interested as she nods, eyes glued to her phone. 

“Great.” Lukas tries to step around Eric. “Maybe I’ll see you guys later, then.”

Eric stands slowly, but doesn’t move aside. “So…” he begins, and that one stretched-out syllable makes all the hairs on Lukas’ neck stand on end. “Are you and Shea like, best friends now? After the whole kidnapper-murderer thing or something?”

Well, damn. That was a nice little lie, right? They’ve been through some crazy shit together. They’ve bonded. They’ve defended their lives together and now they’re comrades in arms…blood brothers. Lukas and Phillip, badasses and best friends. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. He can totally work with this.

“Lukas?” Rose says softly, drawing him back into the moment. Phillip’s returned to his shoe inspection, and everyone else is still staring at him, waiting.

“We’re…” He shakes his head. “We’re more than friends.” 

Rose clamps a hand over her mouth and it’s the last face Lukas really sees before he grabs—yes grabs—Phillip’s arm and yanks him toward the bike. Eric and everyone else scatter. He tosses Phillip his helmet and they’re roaring off within seconds.