#this semester we present our flag means death

[yesmissbzzz]

It’s time for the Dream Show Challenge 3.0 (*audience cheers*) organized by @singledarkshade

I’ve got this cast for : Kirsten Vangsness (Criminal Minds). Goran Visnjic (ER… sorry I didnt get creative in another nationality but the real one of him), Dina Meyer (DragonHeart), Ice T (Law and Order SVU), Rupert Everett (My Best Friend Wedding), Rhys Darby (Our Flag Means Death), Carol Kane (The Princess Bride) and because this is a Rip Lovers Place, imagine who will appear without a request.

CROATIAN STARS

Sinopsis: Evangeline tries to start a new life, and find a new love, a year after her husband passed away. She gets on a Europe Press Tour promoting her new book and getting in dates with not the best results. Finally gets back to London with her former family, a place she really don’t wanted to get back, never… why?

Characters:

Evangeline Reed – Kirsten Vangsness

A writer and journalist. She wanted to stay at his husband country, but Croatia is Nikola, and she can’t bare feeling him in every inch. Allysa, her publisher and best friend, decides that is the moment for a Press Tour of her new book and throw a challenge to her about dating with men again.

Nikola Kerr - Goran Visnjic

We meet him in flashbacks of their marriage. Evangeline remembers him and tries to figure out what he could say and do in most of situations.

Allysa Miller – Dina Meyer

The perfect publisher. The perfect best friend. The perfect adventures companion. Allysa will say yes to everything in the Europe Press Tour.

Donald Sieger – Ice.T

At Amsterdam, they met this suave American guy, and Evangeline decides to taste the yankee love.

Santino Fontes – Rupert Everett

They say that a girl in Italy will fall in love each 5 minutes, but Evangeline gets to the practical side: choose the most handsome, with the finest italian suit at the Editorial Party.

Ernest Reed – Rhys Darby

Evangeline’s brother, who host her little sister back in London. Evangeline is disappointed that passing time with men to get over his husband just managed to make her miss him more, and he push her to one more try.

Dinorah Reed -- Carol Kane

She is old fashioned only in the using of getting his husband family name, but this woman is far from the traditional granny. Ernest kids will get loads of delivery food and 80’s slashers on DVD instead of baked handmade goodies and old rhymes.

Jerome Twight – Arthur Darvill

Evangeline meets this guy singing the same song her late husband used to sing a lot.

Yes, I wrote the song lyrics, and they are cheesy lyrics, because I tought I would get a better development of the plot, using it, and make wordplays with stars and space.

You

And I

Stars crossed

Before beginning of love

As love was created for those bonded stars

In a crossed faith

In an eternal bright

The stars

The stars

Brights of love

Burns of desire

All trough the sky

Night by night

Lovers meeting

Lovers dancing

Lovers brights

Lovers burns

I don’t know how to make poetry, I never did. But I wrote the bloody song and I won’t keep It hidden forever :p

Episode 1.

Evangeline Reed feels his deceased husband everywhere.

At this episode we know how the couple met in flashbacks from places she moves on a normal day.

One night at the University Library, he came to ask her for conversation because they are the only students left in there and he doesn’t want to get asleep.

Surviving the end of semester, they started proper dating.

Back to present, at the end of a normal day she decides to move, and calls her best friend to accept a Press Tour of her new book which publication was delayed when she became a widow.

Episode 2.

Berlin. Allysa makes her best efforts to distract her friend and have fun. But everything makes Evangeline remember Nikola (oh yes the flashbacks).

By the end of the episode, Allyson decides to challenge her friend to get on dates, even without a romantic interest, just for meeting more men than the one in her memories.

Episode 3.

Amsterdam. Evangeline picks the first dude to date: finding him checking the underground movies from the Book Store where she signed books. He is an american tourist using his life savings for a worldwide trip. She has fun for a couple of days, until he has a train to ride.

Episode 4.

Rome. After a deep evaluation, Evangeline decides to pick up the man with the most elegant suit at the Editorial Party, finding that he is the main investor from the Editorial. Santino gives her three days of luxury, fashion, limousine rides, dinners at the best restaurants, just to find that they have zero chemistry when they try to kiss.

Episode 5.

Another round of dates at different cities, where she get fun but can’t stop thinking about Nikola. In the meanwhile, she is trying to persuade Allysa to erase the last stop from the tour or at least set her mind for it: London.

Nope, she don’t succeed, next and last stop: London.

Episode 6.

Meet the Reeds!!! Ernest is the kind of older brother that won’t let her sis to stay at a hotel, because she needs their childhood homemade dinners and a familiar room to pass the night, also her nephews don’t leave her side all day.

Dinorah is the kind of mother that never cooked and survived with delivery and his son cooking after becoming a widow 5 years ago.

Evangeline is happy with her family, until the adults insists that she needs to get out of the house and roam by London as an adult, because she left for University and met London only as a child and teenager.

She founds that the Cafe with her favorite sights to the city is still working, and she sits in there, looking at the early morning, wishing that Nikola were there.

Suddenly she thinks that he gots allucinations or she is still dreaming, because she hears Nikola singing the tune he always sang. She looks around and by the next table, there is a man, singing the same song, and now that she is totally aware of being awake and in the real world… he doesn’t look or sing like Nikola at all.

Episode 7.

The man looks at her, with the “Do I have something at my face?” expression that most of people fix when a stranger is locking their eyes on you.

She apologizes, introduces herself and explains.He also introduces himself: Jerome Twight, who is very happy because he likes her books. They roam the city, talking about how a lot of things had changed and how others stays just the same.

Evangeline is enjoying herself, not even thinking about Nikola, until… it starts to rain.

Episode 8.

Evangeline starts running, asking strangers to let them in their houses for sheltering from the rain that is becoming a storm very quick.

Jerome understands that she is getting a panic attack, and the complete scenario gets to him while she begs in panic to the lady entering her house to let them in, or the man holding her hand will die just like his last husband did.

He finally finds a shelter, a thin roof just enough for them both. Evangeline hugs him, crying and swearing at London and the rain.

This is why she did not wanted to came: Nikola had a weak inmune system and got pneumonia when a little kid from the Croatian Town where they lived went missing, and refused to get back when the rescue groups wanted to stop the search by a storm.Jerome tries to comfort her.

Yes… GETTING IN LONDON AFTER THE RAIN KILLED YOUR HUSBAND was a horror, but after some minutes of making her sure that himself won’t die for just some rain, Evangeline calms herself enough to wait until the rain stops.

She walks her back home, gives his phone number, but she is so ashamed that makes clear meeting again has very very low possibilities to happen.

Some days pass, until Jerome gets a call on his phone, by an Unknown Number.

He picks it up, and the last thing we see is his expression when the voice from the other side is Evangeline greeting “Hello. Do you know the chances of rain for today?"

[ephemeral-fae]

Just finished my third watch through of Our Flag Means Death and also was rewatching The Good Place today and something struck me about why I love both these shows so much and their central message. In the final episode of OFMD, we see both Ed and Stede attempt to go back to who they were before they met each other, and we see them both become much much worse version of themselves. In a similar sense, in Good Place, every time the four’s memory gets wiped, we see all the progress they’ve made be erased. 

When Stede goes back to Mary, it’s to try and finally become who he thinks the world wants him to be. A good, supportive husband, who helps raise his kids and look out for his wife, even if he doesn’t feel the love he’s supposed to for them. And he resents them for it. He resents the whole world and himself for it. And finding Mary and the kids so displeased by his return only serves to make him resent everything more. He’s doing his job, so why does everyone still hate him? And he gets worse. He drinks too much, he tries to shove the glories of his pirate life on anyone who will listen, he crashes Mary’s showcase and threatens Doug. And this is way different from the Stede we’ve seen for the rest of the show so far. This isn’t the Stede who reads bedtime stories to the crew and offered up his library to them and paid them fair wages. This isn’t the Stede who tucked a piece of silk into Ed’s shirt under moonlight and told him he was lovely. This is Stede in a situation he hates, surrounded by people who hate and resent him for one reason or another.

The same goes for Ed. Izzy reminds him that who he was before Stede is who he’s supposed to be, and Ed realizes that that’s what the world wants him to be. The world wants him to be history’s greatest, most fearsome and bloodthirsty pirate. And he decides that if that’s what they want then that’s what they’re going to get. He makes Izzy eat his own toe, he throws Lucius overboard, he erases every trace of Stede and ditches all the members of the crew except for the ones he deems useful. And he hates it. We see him cry about it, cry about Stede, and we watch the mask of who he’s supposed to be slip to show who he is. The Ed who played along with Stede’s adventure, who gave up killing and was content to fold socks in the royal army. This is Ed in a situation he hates, driven by someone who wants him to be one specific thing so they can use him for it. 

This is the two of them without love and acceptance. And it harkens so strongly back to the Good Place’s message of People grow when they get external Love and support and how can we hold it against them when they don’t? (I forget who originally said that but if I find it I’ll tag them). Without love and support, and stuck in situations we hate, we become the worst versions of ourselves. It’s not stated explicitly in OFMD, but it’s patently clear in the actions of Ed and Stede with each other and their crew versus apart, and I really hope season 2 explores this more.

Anyways that’s all, thanks.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Hello. I am, as you know, an American. I turned eighteen in 2014, voted in my first presidential election in 2016, and voted in my second presidential election last week via early voting in the state of Texas. 

I’m reflecting right now on the difference between those experiences. This is going to be a very self-indulgent essay. 

The 2016 election was in my third and final year of undergrad at Texas A&M University. At the time, I was living with a roommate who grew up in a town of 2,000, all of them members of her church. I loved her very much, but she was the most sheltered person I’ve ever met. 

I was only a few years ahead of her. My home growing up was deeply liberal about many of the things that counted, but deeply conservative on equally important things. For me, leaving for college was a radicalization speed-run.

I, a good Memphis girl, moved to Texas and encountered for the first time in my life white homogeny and everything that comes with it. I made most of my friends at A&M through a Christian orientation camp that I attended, then worked at. I went to school at a history department that was overwhelmingly male and war-obsessed. 

My second semester, I was randomly sorted into a writing seminar on the American Civil War and Reconstruction. There were eight other students in that class, all of them Texans. By day two I had gotten into a open fight with one of my classmates after he used the phrases “one of the humane parts of slavery” and “the secession declarations are moving and beautiful appeals, if you read them,” and “well I’m not going to criticize my own state.”

We got into at least one yelling match per week from that point forward. It was a formative experience for me-- not just him but the seven other students that took his side every time because they just couldn’t conceptualize anything outside of their own experiences, and frankly, I couldn’t either. 

It rocked my world to be surrounded by people who told me, among other things, that their high schools flew the Confederate battle flag or Lee was their all time role-model (because he actually didn’t want to secede! He didn’t believe in it, but Virginia did, so he put his own qualms aside and served his country, and that’s what we all have to do). I ran a survey once by knocking on every door in a dorm hall and asking the two people inside why the Civil War happened. 

I feel like you can guess the most common answer I got. Only two said slavery. Six didn’t know what the Civil War was. 

The last week of the semester, my class read a collection of recorded oral accounts of freed slaves during Reconstruction. My nemesis told me that he “didn’t realize black people actually had it bad.” At the same time, I was struggling with my sexuality, my relationship to my religion, my relationship with my parents, and a handful of newly-diagnosed but long-existing mental illnesses. I wasn’t having fun. 

Over the next three years, I tried my hardest to humanize the people that said disgusting things about minorities, poverty, and me personally. I barely won on that one, and I’m actually really proud that I did, even if it took me a few years. I can trace the biggest change in me directly to my nemesis from the history department, the kid that made me so mad that I started arguing back. I was too scared to do that before. 

By 2016, I was in full existential spin-out-- a very suddenly liberal kid fighting my whole family, all of my classmates, and most of my friends in an explosive political climate, the first I had ever participated in. 

I voted by Tennessee absentee ballot in 2016. On election night, I ordered takeout for me and my roommate, who I knew had voted red. Confident, like pretty much everybody, that Clinton would win, I was trying to show her that I didn’t hate her. She went to bed after dinner, also so certain that Clinton would win that she didn’t bother to stay up. 

I sat in front of my laptop sewing a birthday present for a friend (Kenza, actually), while the votes came in. I wasn’t super alarmed when the map turned red. I just figured the blue states hadn’t finished counting yet. 

The map didn’t get any bluer. By 1am, I knew what was about to happen. They called it an hour later, while I was sobbing on my floor. I threw up in the bathroom out of pure anxiety. I got two anonymous messages telling me the asker was going to commit suicide. Neither of them responded to my replies. I don’t actually know what happened to them. 

I remember riding the bus to class the next morning and distinctly seeing that most of the racial minorities there had swollen eyes from crying. The girl with the pride stickers all over her laptop didn’t show up that day, and I’m kind of glad she didn’t, considering the way some of our classmates in the back were loudly talking about “the gays.” Hope she’s okay.

My roommate came home completely unaware that Clinton lost. I was crying in my room when that happened. I remember showing her a demographic map of who voted which way. She got visibly upset when she figured out what races how. I think she really did feel guilty. 

That Thanksgiving, one of my cousins tweeted, “I can’t wait to go argue with my liberal cousin today. The wins. Keep. Coming,” an hour before he walked into my house. Inauguration day was January 20, 2017. I decided to go to law school a week later, the day the president signed the Muslim ban. That’s when I figured out for the first time just how much power the courts have. The last three years have only enforced that. 

I got angrier and angrier during law school, egged on by a few friends but more than anything just... finally conscious of exactly how the American system works and exactly who’s behind it. I still live in Texas, farther west now, and I’m working my first legal job. I’m going to be a licensed attorney next week. 

I went back and forth for months about how this election was going to shake out. I knew there wasn’t going to be an overwhelming red majority this time, but my big fear was an election close enough that the Supreme Court could take it. That fear doubled last month, at RBG’s death. 

I was hoping for a blue enough victory on election night that there wouldn’t be a week of uncertainty, but that was unlikely, and it didn’t happen. I obsessively refreshed my election map all of Wednesday and Thursday, aware that at least some states would flip after mail-in ballots came in, but unsure which would. 

Again, my great fear was a blue victory held down by only one state. Given (I would say “any” chance here, but I don’t mean “any” chance because genuinely jurisdiction or facts or legal merit don’t matter to the Supreme Court) an opportunity to make one (1) decision that hands over a red election, please know that a conservative supermajority would take it. I cannot emphasize enough how true that is and how important it is for all of us to grasp that. 

Watching Georgia flip was one of the best experiences of my life, and it’s a little hard for me to articulate why, but I’m going to give it a shot here. I’m southern. I’m from the South, and for this conversation it’s really important that I’m from Memphis, a black city and a center of black music and culture. 

When people think about the South, they think of the white South, and on some level, they should. It is absolutely essential to understand the white South in order to understand American history. Let me be 100% clear here. That is not a good thing. American majority history is not good. We are not a good country. 

It’s near-impossible to understand why that’s true without knowing exactly what happened in the white South and exactly what is still happening there now. With that, however, is another truth that most folks don’t get. 

The SouthTM is white and needs to die. The South as it actually exists is partially white yes, but it is also everyone else that lives here, particularly black folks. Southern culture is black, not white. Georgia flipped because the people that have always, always been there finally got to crack apart the conservative machine holding the South hostage. 

That’s amazing. It’s fucking mind-blowing. I watched it happen at 3:30 in the morning days after Election Day, and holy shit holy shit, Georgia flipped. Atlanta won. Holy fucking shit. 

I would be terrified right now if only Georgia flipped, because SCOTUS would have found a way to throw out a few thousand votes. Inevitable. Absolutely certain on that one. 

With a few states of buffer, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I really do think it’s over. 

I came home after work on Friday and immediately went to sleep because I hadn’t really done that since Tuesday. I woke up at noon today, checked the map, checked my messages, and saw what happened while I was gone. After that, I went back to bed until 5:30pm. I’m really just getting up now, after most of 24 hours asleep. 

I don’t know if I would say that I’m happy right now, but I am overwhelmingly relieved. I’m under no illusions that a Biden victory will solve everything, but I also do think this is a real thing to celebrate. I’ll take suggestions on how to celebrate right now, actually, since I’m finally awake. 

I’ll be angry forever, I think, but this is a good thing, and I’d like to enjoy it. If you’re happy right now, hey, tell me about it. I’ll be thrilled with you. I want to hear it. Congrats to all of us. Love y’all. 

[anarchistbitch]

hi hi hiiiii

your taste? immaculate (im watching our flag means death as soon as it's holy week (it's a national holiday here)) im glad you enjoyed your rest despite how short it may have been, here's to hoping that you'll get another break soon

hills are pretty as long as i don't have to walk them lmao, it sounds really lovely btw :'3

my col got over very quickly, only lasted like a day and a half thankfully, mask mandates haven't been lifted here actually and i think what i got sick with was not sleeping well enough, letting night dew fall on me (idk if that's a thing outside here but they say that can make one sick) and then spending the rest of the day in the sun bc of a class, also im thankful the cold didnt last long bc i absolutely hate drinking warm water, maybe it's bc im from the coast and it's always hot as balls so i always drink ice water but i seriously hate drinking warm water and i know drinking cold water is bad when one's sick but that's one thing im completely childish about and cannot bring myself to do (sorry for the rant lmao)

camping was really so hilarious, i feel kinda bad for seri bc taesung could not care less about her in that way, taesung on the other hand has his plan working, haebom may not know that taesung is trying to hit on him, but he's falling anyway and re the firewood scene, i do agree <33

im on the floor crying every time im reminded that it's only 8eps, the world is so cruel, at least heartstopper is coming soon and i really do hope we get s2 them being adorable together kills me in the best way possible

at this point i dont have a sleep schedule, i sleep as much as i can, whenever i can *sigh* but im getting a small break soon, two weeks i think to holy week

you're going fully offline then?? cause rn we're just doing it for the classes that need it the most, theorical classes like history are still online for us

i only have two classes offline so there's not much schedule to memorize but after a certain point the routine will set into you and you'l be able to remember itwithout needing to read the schedule and get you jshk wallpaper!

they were soaked in the river of talent much like achilles in the styx i swear to fuck, and their songs hit so hard, i cannot listen to lie by jimin without feeling literal chills, and dionysus is my go to pick me up bc as soon as it plays i want to dance and scream the lyrics, it fills me with so much energy, rumor has it they'll be releasing some new songs soon and i cant wait :'3

holy roller is neat indeed, i really liked it! my own rec is emily by san fermin

arroz con pollo 🤝 biryani

discourse about how to make it that is ultimately useless bc mom's the best

i hope they do watch it!! im also trying to get more people to watch it, i need to see it succeed, and yes! yasmin is stunning, im sure she'll do Elle right :'3

i havent watched turning red yet bc im gonna watch it with a friend and our schedules havent aligned yet, it's hard to coincide when we're on different majors and specially when those majors are one a trimester career and the other a semester one but everything i've heard about it is good things! i also saw the 4 town in universe guide thingie around here and we laughed bc Jesse having two kids reminded us of the 'theories' that RM is married to that one guy from his pics, and that they have a kid together im laughing as i type this bc skdlfkdfhfjsdf

promare is such a beauty, visuals and audio are absolutely stunning, i hope you like it!

jfhgjhgkjsj battinson is such an inspiration, his makeup 👌🏻✨ a friend and i were talking about going to the movies to watch it again but he's got all his classes on the day that im free and when he's free i have class at 5pm so we'd come out too late and im too akward to ask him to take me home, not to mention that i doubt my parents would like me being out until 9pm with a guy they dont know, ah the pains of being female presenting in a latinamerican country

thanks for the tws!! i dont think any of that would bother me but it's always good to have a warning, i also saw it was a sequel, should i watch the first one??

hjfsfjdf i get heart eyes everytime i see you've replied 🥰

sending you lots of love and hugs and i hope you have a nice, relaxing weekend!! stay hydrated and eat lots of good food!!

HIIIIIIIII💗💗💗💗💗

OMG OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH!!!! it started out as a fun comedy show and now has my whole heart like the acting?? the crew dynamic?? it being found family🥺🥺🥺🥺[and whoever made blackbeard's beard. god bless].

bro im literally christian and still forgot that holy week is coming up😭[🧍‍♂️ my baptism is in two months too....]. anyway hope you enjoy your week off!!

i really love hills so much cause the scenery and yk when you do a long trek and your so freaking tired but then you go to the top and see the view and its like "oh" and the entire trek was completely worth it because you get to see the world in a completely new perspective and its just. mindblowing right?

im glad it wasnt smth more serious and not in the exact terms but i think it is a thing here too. stay safe tho!! dude i grew up near the coast too!! the summer months were hell and it still is kinda where i live but its milder here . for now😭. until its summer my mom BANS making ice cubes/ ice water cause i get sick easily and im more used to drinking hot water cause of that. BESTIE I LOVE RANTS ILY PLS DONT HESITATE TO TALK TO ME🗣🔊🔊🔊!!

im waiting until thursday to watch ep5 cause *gestures at schoolwork* but the way taesung had that one picture of them as kids in his wallet🥺🥺🥺 childhood friends to lovers trope is so *clenches hand*

the way april for me is literally scheduled around schoolwork and the release of my fav series💗 ALSO . are you gonna watch kinnporsche!!! i saw the first trailer a while ago and 😳😳 and the final trailer too,,

my daily routine atm is just: sleep->study->school-> scroll on tumblr and boy is it tiring. im trying to early bird kills the worm and all but im just tired tired tired about it. but bro you gotta sleep properly!! you already got a cold!! at least 7 minimum per day!!

we went fully offline and its better in a way but the commute with my heavy ass math book is so grueling like my math book is SO fucking thick im literally carrying my other textbooks in my hand so i dont pull my back T T

theres a new schedule coming out so i just wrote down my schedule on my journal and changed my wallpaper into a whale one(its purple. like smth else.kfbrhoi i hope you get it)

theyre collabing with THE snoop dog AND ITS SO *excited noises* and bighit said theyre not confirming right now so we know its basically confirmed. i was watching bts american hustle and it literally amazes me cause their talent comes from a place of hardwork and practice and they keep improving each comeback and that thing about other artists pushing their schedules when bts perform like theyre on another level entirely btw ur feelings on ddaeng ?

emily by san fermin was nice!! but the song's cover reminded me of this one horror book and listening to it with a horror vibe😳 changed everything .

arroz con pollo🤝🏾biryani 🤝🏾 us eating our mom's food while everyone else argues about

i cannot wait to see heartstopper and yasmin finney! is !so ! freaking! beautiful!!

no see the thing is I get it okay. i get the hype for 4*town. like if i was in the turning red universe i'd undoubtedly be a fan of them[and everyone having nobody like u on their on repeat *victoria justice voice*i think we are ALL 4*townies][also one of the members being based off jimin is so *waves hands around* like they didnt say it out loud but we all knew]

halloween outfits this year is gonna be lit🖤 hope you get to watch it battinson soon!! i feel you about parents being weird with other male friends😔

its not exactly a sequel its more just inspired by(they have the same actors) i havent watched it but its a hindi remake of the tamil film that i have watched(its basically about a guy trying to find solutions for his erectile dysfunction.yes you did read that correctly) . theyre both thematically very different movies with no context dependent on e/o so you dont need to watch but if you wanted to i did hear it was p good.

placing good vibes, good health and lots of free time forward in ur way (u cant refuse i put a clause in the T&C)

[waywardfangirl]

Write This Down

General Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply

Baz Pitch/Simon Snow | 3,305 words | Complete

Summary: Inspired by Write This Down by George Strait - Baz and Simon love each other, and they know it. But, Baz came close to losing Simon once, and he doesn't intend to let that ever happen again.

***A big thank you to @foolofabookwyrm​ for editing this for me literally the second I finished writing it! I love you!!!***

Baz

The first time I told Simon I loved him, tears were pouring down both of our faces and we were absolutely miserable. It was one of the worst days of my life, and I hated the fact that every nice thing Simon and I have, every special moment and milestone in our disaster of a relationship, is marred in some way by tragedy. We kissed for the first time in the middle of a burning forest when I was so deep in the throes of self-hatred I couldn’t find my way out without Simon to save me. Instead of the honeymoon phase that every other couple gets, Simon and I received death and destruction and trauma, and then hearings and interrogations before the Coven. When we tried to go on vacation, to take a break and do something to pull Simon out of the pit of depression he had spiraled into, we almost died multiple times. When I finally propose to him I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that dark creatures can’t find us, the weather can’t ruin us, and even our well-meaning but nosy friends can’t disturb us.

But I’m getting too far ahead of myself. I can’t start planning for a proposal just yet, because I’m still not sure that I won’t lose him one day. He told me he loved me with tears streaming down his cheeks, and then he tried to break up with me.

I had started crying around that time too; I wanted to be in control, I wanted to shut off my emotions so Simon wouldn’t be hurt by my own anguish, but instead traitorous tears came streaming down my face and I started babbling out every thought I’d ever had – please don’t leave me and I’m not happy without you and no no no don’t go, Simon, please don’t and eventually I love you, I love you too, I love you so much, there’s nothing for me if you aren’t here, I love you. So, no, it was not one of our better moments.

Once I finally convinced him that breaking up with me would, in fact, not help me at all, we agreed to put serious effort into working on our relationship. This has also meant that both Simon and I found ourselves going to (separate) therapists, and coming together once a month for couple’s counseling too. Put together, we’re utilizing three-quarters of the magical word’s mental health resources. (It’s helping.)

(Read the rest on AO3, or under the cut)

I don’t know exactly what Simon discusses with his own therapist (although I could probably make a few guesses), but my therapist has been encouraging me to work on my own anxieties as of late among other things. I haven’t been able to shake my fear that Simon might decide to leave again, and that crying amidst declarations of love won’t fix things this time. So, since I can’t control the actions of others, I can only control what I think and do myself (yes, thank you Amy, the once-weekly sessions are working and I now hear your voice in my head when I evaluate my own thoughts), I’ve decided on a course of action that will help both Simon and myself.

I start by stealing his phone. He only uses the notes app to write down things he wants to bring up in therapy, so I ignore all the existing memos and start a new one, just three words – I love you.

(The numpty never bothered setting a passcode, I should modify his phone more often. He needs a new lock screen.)

 Three days later, Simon emerges from his bedroom after his appointment, face blotchy and tear tracks drying on his cheeks. Every muscle in my body pulls to gather him up in my arms and give him shelter in the form of an embrace, but I know in moments like this I have to let him make the first move. Luckily, he walks straight over to where I’m putting the dishes away and immediately buries his face in my neck. His arms cinch around my waist, and I waste no time in pulling him closer to me, carding one hand through his curls.

“Alright, love?”

He nods, pressing in closer, then mumbles into my skin, “I love you.”

Ah. He found the note, then. Good.

“I love you too.”

*****

The next week, I walk into Simon and Penny’s apartment after classes, only to find Simon asleep on the couch. Netflix is playing some action movie on the tv, and Simon’s face is twitching slightly, still reacting to the sound even while fast asleep. I know he was up late last night preparing for a big presentation, so I let him rest. As I pull my laptop out of my bag to study at the kitchen table, I grab a sticky note as well, and attach it to the center of the television screen.

I love you

An hour later, I hear the tv shut off. Simon wanders into the kitchen, sitting down at the table and scooching his chair over until it’s pressed up next to mine. He kisses me on the cheek, and then on the mouth when I turn my head.

“Hi love, how was your day?”

“Good. Better now.”

*****

Finals are upon us, and of course the worst academic weeks of the year are also the time when Simon and I decide to try spending the night together again. (Just sleeping, but sharing each other’s space for that long, being there together when we wake up the next morning.) I feel like all of this should be so much easier, like other couples just make it look so effortless – we love each other, why can’t we show it? Why is it so hard to turn those emotions into actions and words? I don’t ever want to be beside anyone else, how can I prove that to him?

After the first few nights, it starts to feel normal. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling of Snow’s arms wrapped around me, his muscles relaxing as we both fall asleep, but I don’t want to get used to it. I want it to be novel every single time, I always want to feel this in love with him.

Tonight, though, I can’t let myself lie down until I finish this last essay. I’ll edit it tomorrow, but I can’t stop writing until I’m done or I know I’ll lose momentum. Simon went to bed at least half an hour ago, and that’s all the incentive I need to keep my fingers flying across the keyboard; the sooner I’m done, the sooner I’ll be back beside him.

I close my laptop at half past midnight, and attempt to straighten the academic mess on the kitchen table before breakfast ruins a textbook tomorrow morning. Snow has left his books in a perilous heap, on the verge of teetering onto the floor, so I straighten the stack, then pick up the top book.

It’s a textbook, An Introduction to Social Services, because my brave and caring boyfriend wants to continue saving the world in any way he can. The first half of the book is filled with bookmarks and flags, highlighted passages and scribbled notes in the margins. He’s been attacking his studies with a vigor he’s never shown for academia before, and I’m so proud of him. I pick up a pen and add a note of my own under the practice review he’s flagged with tomorrow’s date (when did he get to be so organized? He’s wonderfully full of surprises even now) – You’re absolutely brilliant, love.

I leaf through the book to the next practice exam, this one flagged for three days from now. You’re the most caring man I’ve ever met, you were born for this work. The review in the middle of the book gets a simple (true) I’m so proud of you, and then I start leafing through the pages I assume Simon will be using next semester. I don’t let myself question the future, I don’t let uncertainty and anxiety creep in, I just write notes on random pages, to be discovered in the middle of lectures or homework or studying.

My darling

You’re the only sunshine I need

Have I told you lately how handsome you are?

I adore you

You’re my perfect other half, I’m so happy we match

Finally, I leave an index card mixed in with the ones he’s been using for review.

Q: How much do I love you?

A: More than I can possibly say.

*****

Simon Snow can still go off. He’s less physically destructive now, nothing in the flat gets burnt to a crisp and he doesn’t leave craters behind, but sometimes his emotions get stopped up until they come out in a flood of yelling and crying, and he erupts.

We’ve both been trying to be better about handling our outbursts, and trying not to take bad days out on the other, but sometimes it still happens. I don’t know exactly what happened today, but from what I can make out it seems like small things just piled up until I rolled my eyes when Simon suggested watching Star Wars, and that became the straw that broke the camel’s back. Old habits die hard, and we both still give as good as we get when fighting, so fifteen minutes later Penelope came home to find a screaming match in the living room and neither of us even aware of what we were saying or fighting over anymore.

She made us sit down and go through all the skills we’ve learned (use “I” statements, list your emotions, say what you admire about the other person – fine, thank you Amy, your voice is still in my head) until finally we had calmed down enough to be there for each other again.

I held Simon as he cried into my shirt, and we crawled into bed together still holding hands. We kissed before falling asleep and the last thing I remembered was Simon’s breath ghosting over me.

Now though, I’m awake, pulled from sleep and my boyfriend’s arms because I needed a glass of water, and I suddenly can’t stop reliving our argument. We’re fine, I know we are, we’re going to be okay. All couples fight, what matters is that we sat down and talked about it afterwards. We’re both sorry and we both love each other.

I can’t help the voice in the back of my head though, the voice that insists that Simon still thinks I don’t love him and that he might leave me again. I ignore it, then tell it how wrong it is, before finally giving in to my anxiety and tearing a blank piece of paper from the notepad on the fridge. I leave the note on his bedside table, so he’ll see it first thing in the morning, when he inevitably wakes up before I do.

Simon, my dearest, I love you so much. I promise, I love you, no matter what.

*****

“Baz! Did you get it?”

Simon Snow is bouncing on the soles of his feet like a toddler crossed with a golden retriever, and if anyone else were acting like this I would make a point of ignoring them, but because it’s Simon I just kiss him quickly and pull the book out from behind my back.

“Yes, love, I got it. Hot off the press, specially for you.”

Simon’s never been much of a reader, but after discovering ‘the best book in the world’, as he puts it, he’s been devouring this series. The newest one was released today, and I promised him I would pick it up from the bookstore on my way home. (I’ve read them too, and they are quite good, although Simon is definitely more enchanted with them than I am.)

“Can we start reading it right now?” He’s got it clutched to his chest like a child, and—no, that’s dangerous territory to enter, I can’t let myself start thinking of Simon with a baby or else I won’t leave this flat until I’ve proposed to him, and he deserves a nicer proposal than whatever happens to fall out of my mouth right now. Besides, I don’t even have the ring with me, it’s still hidden in my sock drawer back in Hampshire.

“Are you suggesting skipping dinner?” I hold up the bags of takeaway I’ve brought. He looks anguished.

“Can’t we do both?”

He’s a disaster. I love him.

“Alright you bottomless pit, you can eat your dinner and I’ll read to you, will that work?”

He kisses me again in response, a proper snog that’s only interrupted when Bunce wanders through to the kitchen, remarking loudly to Shepard, “They have their own room and everything, but they still insist on doing this sort of thing out here in the open.”

Simon good naturedly flips her off, and I pull away to smirk.

“He’s far too attractive for me to confine my affection to only one room in the house, Bunce. It’s not fair to expect me to restrain myself when my boyfriend is so criminally handsome.” I take Simon’s hand and tug him into the living room to settle against me as I start to read.

When all the food has been devoured and my voice is starting to lull Snow to sleep, I grab a scrap of paper, scribble I love you on it, and then insert it in the book to mark our place.

*****

Simon has been baking up a storm. He’s determined to figure out Cook Pritchard’s recipe for sour cherry scones, because she won’t give up the secret and he hates having to wait for Pitch family gatherings to eat them. He’s going through butter like a fiend, and all of our neighbors adore us because he keeps giving batches away.

When he leaves the kitchen to go retrieve something from his bedroom I slip a note into the fridge, to be discovered the next time he picks up the butter.

I love you

 Three days later, I find the note affixed to the freezer door.

*****

“It’s so empty!”

Simon’s voice bounces off of the walls, and it almost echoes. The house really is empty, at once both exciting and intimidating – this is ours, this is where we get to keep building our life together, this is where we’ll make more memories, this is where we’ll start our family.

“The rest of our furniture will be here tomorrow, love, the movers said they could have it in before nine.”

I hear running footfalls, and then Simon comes sliding down the hall in his socks, crashing into me and almost knocking me over.

“Maybe we should keep it like this, and we can use the first floor for sock races!” He’s laughing, and so happy, and I adore him.

“Mmm, perhaps not,” I say, pushing his curls back from his face. “As enchanting as that idea may be, I expect you’d be sad if Penny and Shepard stopped visiting us because they had no place to sit. And I’m sure you would miss having a dining room table, too.” I kiss him on his nose, because it always makes him laugh, and then I lean back, grab his hands, and spin him around in circles in our empty living room.

Once we’re both too dizzy to stay standing, we collapse on the floor together, struggling to swallow our giggles. Eventually, I pull Simon back up to standing, and nudge him to start unpacking what we can. Dishes go in the cupboards, and sheets go in the linen closet. One of the boxes I open has a hammer and nails, and Simon finds the box that we put our pictures in. Some have to be set aside until the furniture is arranged, but we hang a few in the kitchen and the entry hall. Right before we blow up the inflatable mattress and go to sleep for the first time in our new house, I lead Simon back into the living room and pull out one last photo to hang.

The picture itself is quite large, a candid shot taken during our engagement party. Simon was laughing at something I’d just said, and he’s as bright and radiant as ever. I’m gazing adoringly at him, looking every bit the lovesick fool I am. Penny and Shep are in the background, along with Fiona and the rest of my immediate family, and everyone looks so happy to be celebrating the two of us. It’s one of my favorites, enlarged to sit in a frame over the mantle, where everyone who enters our home will be sure to see it.

It’s a bit of a struggle to get it to hang straight, but eventually we manage it.

“That looks lovely. I didn’t even know you’d had that one framed, I like it.”

I kiss his neck, and wrap my arms around his waist, hooking my chin over his shoulder and holding my wand out in front of him.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

We watch together as three words start to curve around our bodies in the portrait, shiny gold cursive tethering us to each other and stating simply, I love you.

Simon leans back into me, turning his face up for a kiss. “I love you too,” he whispers when we pull apart, “Show-off.” Then he’s walking backwards down the hall, leading me towards the stairs, and going to break his neck if he tries to go up the stairs without first turning around. I’ll tell him tomorrow that the spell I cast will only show those words if they’re true and if I still mean them. (They’re going to be there forever.)

*****

We go ring shopping together. We want our wedding rings to match, and to also complement the engagement rings we gave each other, so we block off an entire Saturday to find the perfect bands. (It turns out that the perfect rings are hiding in a jewelry store just a few blocks from Simon and Penny’s first apartment, which I think has a lovely symmetry to it.)

The rings themselves are simple, gold bands that compliment both of our complexions with a delicate scattering of engraved stars barely visible on the surface. We know immediately that these are our rings, we hardly need to glance at each other to confirm it.

As we’re being sized and filling out all the necessary information, I hand over a folded slip of paper.

“I would like this to be engraved on the inside of his ring, please.”

Simon’s mouth falls open for a moment, then he reaches into his jeans pocket to pull out his own slip of paper.

“I’d like this engraved inside of his too, please,” he says, and I can’t help but loop my arm around his waist.

“I suppose great minds think alike, don’t they Snow?”

He wrinkles his nose.

“You’re going to have to start calling me Pitch before too much longer, you know.”

I wasn’t prepared for this argument, and I’m far too in love with him to have a satisfactory response ready.

“No I won’t. Pitch will be your last name, and Snow will become your middle name. You call me by my middle name already, so we’ll match,” I add, as a happy afterthought.

The jeweler chuckles.

“You really do. You want the same engraving and everything.”

I feel like he maybe should have understood that those messages were meant to be a surprise, given Snow’s obvious shock, and the folded pieces of paper, but I’m a little too happy to care. Our wedding rings are going to match, inscription and all.

I love you

[thebestpirate]

The Longest Sail EVER (Uruguay to Cape Town)

On January 13th, 2017, the Gulden Leeuw left for a grand adventure of our 34-day sail. The thought of starting this voyage scared me half to death because I am the biggest family’s girl you’ll ever meet. My family is full of my best friends and I didn’t want to leave them for a month. However, with the help of my newly found family on the ship, I learned that even a 34-day sail can be full of fun and adventure. Moving back on the ship was surprisingly very easy. I thought it would be a stressful process, but it took maybe an hour. Also, the boys and girls got to switch sides in the dorms, which means we get the better air conditioned side! I can use my blankets every night… I bet the boys can too because the South Atlantic is SO COLD, but still… It’s such a nice feeling. Also, last semester, my bed was one of the closest to the ceiling. When I raised my elbow, it would hit the ceiling, so there was NO WAY I’d possibly ever be able to sit up and most nights I’d hit my head on the ceiling. But no longer do I suffer with a tiny sleeping area. My bunk this semester is still a top bunk, but the ceiling is higher and I can actually move as I please. It’s heaven.

We met our new maritime crew the day we came back to the ship on the 10th of January. They’re a group of amazing people and so many of them are from the States. I haven’t been around so many Americans in a very long time. I very much enjoy being around people from all over the world (it’s probably the coolest thing about CAF), but it was cool to meet people who live closer to me than others.

Our watch groups were changed this semester and man do I love Watch 6. Svea, Elizabeth, Haylee, Brody, and Klaus are some of the best people to hang out with on watch at 4 to 6 in the morning.

On the 18th of January, I was writing in my journal saying “…we’re on our way to Tristan! I really hope we get…” And I just stopped writing because I then wrote, “AAAAND I totally lost my train of thought because there were a bunch of pilot whales SO close to the ship.” That’s the cool thing about Class Afloat. You’re excused from class when there are whales, dolphins, sharks, turtles, etc. It’s a crazy thing to think about and I can’t imagine what living on land is going to be like after experiencing this. Anyways, what I was going to say in my journal was I really hope we get to make it to Tristan Da Cuhna. (Spoiler alert… We made it to Tristan! But I’ll talk about that in a bit.)

On Jan. 21st, a bunch of us were watching High School Musical 2 and you better believe we sang our hearts out. I’ve never met a group of people who understand my love for HSM. Watching the second movie brought me back to when we were in UNEDCO in Spain and we watched the 1st movie in the building we had our classes in. It’s crazy to think that we had a month off the ship and now it’s been a month at sea (with a short stop in Tristan). Before watching HSM2, it’s Megan’s clumsy story of the day… I had just gotten out of galley and I was taking the massive container of rags to the laundry room to start cleaning them. I was walking and the second I stepped on the tile floor, which was super slippery that day, my right foot slipped right across my left leg and I tripped myself. I landed ONLY on my right knee with not only my own weight, but with this darn container of rags. It hurt SO bad, but I ignored it while watching HSM2 because that felt more important at the time. The next day I realized I couldn’t bend my leg… Whoops. I went (limped) to the Medical Officer, Chris, and he put me on the “less physical work board” because walking was a struggle for a solid 48 hours. It took longer than that for the swelling to go down, but I could walk like a semi-normal person after the 1st 2 days. For the time I was crippled, I was walking like a had a peg leg. It was kind of funny, but extremely painful.

The next day (the 22nd), there was an all hands call for a job on deck and, even though I was still injured, I just did an easy job. But… It happened to be Sunday Dinner that day and we were all dressed nice. My skirt was NOT happy in the strong wind outside. It takes skill to haul on a line and hold down your skirt at the same time, but the girls managed it really well so props to us.

On the 24th, we saw at least 4 sperm whales. They were beautiful (and insanely close to the ship). Seeing marine mammals never gets old. Later that day, there was an announcement over the loud speaker that simply said, “big whale on starboard side.” I had been having a rough couple of days in terms of mental health so it’s things like that that make me cheer up a bit. I hadn’t gotten out of bed that quickly in a whiiiile. Also, don’t worry family… I get a little down every now and then because I get impatient waiting to talk to you guys. I cheer up when crazy stuff happens, but sometimes you just want to call your family. The Southern Atlantic, however, does not have cell service. I also found out that morning that I got accepted as a Teacher’s Apprentice for the Anthropology 12 class. Everyone can apply to whatever they want to be on the ship as an apprentice and I knew being a teacher’s apprentice would be more my speed compared to something maritime related. I’m so proud of my work for Anthro!

JANUARY 27TH! My 19th birthday! I am now a 19-year-old and it happened on a ship in the middle of the Southern Atlantic Ocean. How cool is that?! Lindsey, I’m definitely not 8 anymore. In fact, I’m now DOUBLE that. I know, it’s crazy to think about. I got bucketed like what normally happens on peoples’ birthdays and oh my gosh it was cold. I have a video of it because I didn’t want to get bucketed with cold water and not be able to make fun of myself later on.

Time to talk about TRISTAN. Some sailor’s only dream of making it to Tristan because sometimes the wind/weather doesn’t let you anchor outside of their small, isolated home. But we made it! With a lot of hard work, we got to anchor outside of Tristan on the 29th of January, which was earlier than expected, but that’s the window of good weather we had and this crew made it happen. I went aloft (to just below the lower topsail) with John, Kyle, and Liz. I was a little scared, but the waters were calm and we were anchored so I felt confident enough to make it up there. The view of Tristan was breathtaking. We actually went onto Tristan on the 30th and I saw a ROCKHOPPER PENGUIN the second I stepped onto the island. I was in love. I sent some post cards to my family that I hope make it there soon. We visited the school that very few kids attend (considering there’s only about 280 people on the whole island). We got the chance to play ACTUAL BASKETBALL with a few of the kids and I didn’t realize how much I missed throwing things and running around, two things that are prohibited on the ship. We got the chance to climb the volcano that erupted in 1961 and I got some BEAUTIFUL pictures. We only had one afternoon on Tristan so it was over way too quickly, sadly. We made our way back to the ship on the dinghy and set sail the next day on the 31st.

In the beginning of February, I began to prepare my lesson for the Anthropology lesson I would be teaching regarding Sex and Gender. Being the teacher’s apprentice for Anthropology has been a blast and when the time came to teach my 55-minute lesson, I felt 100% prepared. It went extremely well because not only did I work hard on the presentation, but sex and gender is a topic I know a lot about (self-taught because little Megan and current Megan are constantly curious about how that stuff works). Everyone told me that I did a good job and they feel like they learned a lot about sexual orientations, romantic orientations, and gender versus sex.

On board, mostly throughout this long sail, a game known as Jungle Speed has been spreading like wildfire. It’s a hit amongst individuals on the ship who have to get some pent-up energy out. It’s a game that involves a lot of yelling. We’ve actually drawn blood playing this game because it’s so intense when you have to be the first to grab something. It’s harder to explain through text, but consider playing it one day. I’m for sure going to force it upon my family.

In mid-February, we had a handover day, which means the students take over the ship while the maritime crew gets the day off. They keep an eye on us just in case, but I think we were pretty successful that day and the other handovers that have happened throughout the year. Every handover day (at the time I’m writing this, we’ve only had two, but another one is coming up), we fly the huge pirate flag that we have onboard. It’s the small things that make things like this fun. Even though I wasn’t acting as a maritime crew member, because I was a teacher’s apprentice, it was still fun for me to watch my friends be captain, 1st and 2nd officer, engineer, ABs, and bosun. You get a really strong proud feeling when your student crew can take over the ship for a full 24 hours.

On February 13th, we anchored outside of Cape Town and all anyone could think of was “FINALLY!” This was a parent port so many of us had been anticipating seeing our families. I had not seen my sisters since I left in September. We had to anchor until the 16th and I was growing impatient having to wait for 3 days to see my best friends. My siblings are my best friends so seeing my sisters was a big deal. I cannot thank Chris enough for bringing them with him to Cape Town because, not only did I get to see them, they got to experience something outside of our normal life in the United States. Travelling is something I believe everyone should do and I am so glad my sisters got to go to Cape Town, one of my favorite ports.

I enjoyed our long sail, but we sometimes tend to go a little crazy waiting for land to appear on the horizon. One of the most interesting things I’ve learned is that you can smell land when you approach it after so many days at sea.

Thank you for reading this VERY LATE (sorry about that) and very long post. I’ve been putting off typing about this passage for quite some time because of the length I knew it would be, but here it is!

<3 - Megan