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gastricpierrot · 2 years ago

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Title: Marble to dust

Series: Banana Fish

Relationship: AshEiji / EijiAsh

Rating: T

Warnings: referenced violence and panic attacks

Also on AO3

Ash Lynx was known as many things.

He was an angel carved from marble, ethereal in his beauty. He was a devil formed from crusted blood and rotting viscera. He was a wild cat, a leopard in the snow, a beast in all its glorious ferocity.

He was but a child. A child forced onto a pedestal too high beyond anyone’s reach. Larger than life. Held up solely by his unyielding pride of having survived, again and again and again.

Aslan Callenreese was only a boy.

It took Eiji much too long for that to sink in. Ash was only a few months from turning merely eighteen when they first met. A boy who, in another life, would’ve been at the age to only have to worry about his first crush, passing his finals and graduating high school. Maybe he’d be even fretting over prom, Eiji had the impression that it was a big thing in America.

Yet there Ash was out in the streets, fighting a war far too large for any teenager to be leading. There he was, holding the mafia itself at gunpoint. There he was, wounds carved deep into his flesh, blood marring his skin like acid.

Eiji too, was still a child by his own right. Barely out of school and only a year into college, still coddled and soft. Far too soft. Perhaps if he had strength, had the fortitude to aim a gun and pull the trigger without hesitation, had the brains for strategy or the skills to do anything, anything that could’ve helped Ash and ease his burden—then he could’ve made somewhat of a difference. As miniscule and insignificant as it might be. At the very least, perhaps less people Ash cared for would have died protecting him. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to be the weakest link, the Archilles Heel.

Eiji wished for violence, for the first time in his life. Carnally, desperately. Helplessly. He wanted to destroy everyone and everything that had hurt Ash, wanted to burn them in hellfire until they're nothing, nothing, nothing. Wanted to be stronger, be more. Just—more. So that he could do something, anything.

For Ash, he would’ve done anything.

And yet, what had he really been able to do?

Meanwhile, Ash spent every day dying. Each time he stepped foot into the streets, Ash killed another part of himself. Eiji came to understand that it was the only way he knew to keep going.

Contrary to popular belief, Ash Lynx was not made of marble. Often he bent instead of breaking, twisted and deformed through gritted teeth and the force of sheer will. As though he had a heart of titanium, a soul ablaze with defiance.

But whenever he finally broke, he shattered.

Like bullets shot through glass; sudden, violent, jarring.

Away from prying eyes, Ash cried. He cried in a silent and trembling bundle, folding into himself, hand clasped over his mouth. Sweating and trembling from persistent nightmares, unimaginable in their horror.

He cried; save me, save me, save me.

Eiji had been arrogant. He’d thought he could’ve protected Ash, in some meaningful, wishful way. Perhaps it was a twisted saviour’s complex deep down that drew him to him, that drove him to stay despite all the danger, the violence that inevitably followed.

And Ash looked at him like he truly did save him. He looked at him as though he was made of galaxies, wondrous stardust. He touched him with the reverence of a worshipper. His light, his salvation.

But Eiji was well aware that he was no god. He was painfully, frustratingly, and only human. Unable to even chase Ash’s terrors away, to scream at them to stay back, don’t come any closer. Don’t hurt him anymore.

Eiji did not know what to do the first few times. He had barely even heard Ash, jolting awake from nothing but a horrible feeling deep in his gut. He’d sat up, finding Ash awake, his hunched form a shadow against the darkness of their room—and he’d known, immediately, that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

Eiji had since learnt to sleep lightly, even before noticing Ash’s nightmares and panic attacks. It merely came as a package of staying by Ash’s side. There was always a possibility for an ambush, an inside job to capture and take out the only weakness. Eiji may be naïve, but even he knew this much was common sense when it came to being part of this world.

He came to understand too, why Ash preferred to exhaust himself to the bone every single time before he decided it was time to rest. Passing out seemed much preferable to falling asleep. Passing out meant there was no chance for his brilliant mind to turn against itself with scarring memories that should be left buried and forgotten.

Ash did not like being seen in his raw, shaking vulnerability, so Eiji did not look. He would only sit close by his side and face slightly away, still keeping him within his peripheral sight and making sure Ash was able to see him in turn. And then he would count in silence, an attempt to keep his own panic under control. He would count, because if he didn’t distract himself then he’d only be too aware of his own crumbling heart.

Eiji always trusted that if Ash wanted to reach out, he would. And he did, sometimes. Once he got his breathing under control, he would tap Eiji’s shoulder or arm with trembling fingers. A signal. Ash did not speak during his breakdowns.

And Eiji would go to him, keeping his every movement slow and predictable. He would coax him into drinking some water, would use a damp cloth he’d prepared beforehand to wipe his face, his hands. Then he would drape a towel over him, one that’s not thick enough to suffocate but simply there to be a buffer between their bodies—and carefully, tenderly, he’d hold him in his arms.

He would hold him, not a single word leaving his lips—and he would pray.

Japan was the land of eight million gods and it was so, so far away. Yet Eiji prayed, prayed for even one of them to heed his pleas and grant Ash their fickle blessings. To keep him safe, ease his pain. Heal him. Gods, please help him. He would pay any price. He would give up his flesh, his bones, his beating heart. Please, do all that is beyond his power.

All Eiji could do was hold him, his meagre, mortal body all he had to shield Ash from a world far too cruel towards a boy barely eighteen years of age. Promise him he loved him no matter how broken, tainted and blood-soaked he is. No matter how much he thinks he is undeserving of love. Eiji would love him, a billion times over.

All Eiji could do was love him.

#banana fish #okumura eiji #ash lynx #asheiji #eijiash #haha guess who rewatched banana fish and got Destroyed #honestly this is just me projecting my emotions while watching this show into eiji haha #:'))#that ending shouldve stayed in the drafts yall;;

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