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screamingatanemptyroom · 5 years

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I Can’t Eat Love Side Part 5- Queen Amerande (END)

Hey everyone, this is the final side part to the I Can’t Eat Love series. Thank you to everyone who has stuck through this whole process. I have loved writing it, loved answering the asks and hearing your thoughts on the characters and the stories. I cherished each message, comment, fan art... all of it!

Masterpost is linked here.

For the last time, please Enjoy!

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In a previous life…

If I could have one wish in this life… No matter the cost, I would only use it for her happiness

“This is for you, dear. This necklace protects our family, brings good luck!” My mother smiled as she placed the golden chains around my neck. “My own mother told me that it can even grant wishes! So keep it with you in Reterand.”

I played with the small sapphire amulet, my mood which had been down becoming slightly better. “But mother, I don’t know the crown prince very well, what if he isn’t a good man?”

I hadn’t been happy since my engagement had been announced. Reterand was a good kingdom, the western neighbor to my country Giral. Even though I was a princess, and I had always known that my marriage would be political in nature … I couldn’t pretend I was excited to marry the man I had only met once before. I had even heard he had been previously engaged, and had broken off the relationship for this alliance. What kind of marriage could this be?

My mother shrugged sadly. “It’s hard to say, dear. I hope your marriage will be happy.” She seemed to be looking past me, “Find joy in other things, so that your happiness is not dependent on him. “

“…” I hugged my mother silently, wondering not for the first time if she and my father were happy.

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I was married into the Reterand royalty, and less than a year later his father had stepped down. I was the Queen of a foreign nation.

And I was very lonely.

My husband was a cold, calculating man. He was polite, never raising his voice to me, but there was a distance between us that couldn’t be crossed. It was painful, it was regretful, but I had always known this was a possibility. I tried to find happiness within other things as my mother had suggested and kept up a cordial façade. Despite the coldness in our marriage, we attended to our duties as monarchs. I quickly gave birth to an heir, a boy we named Ronan after the previous king. I had a husband, a child, a family… it should have been one of the happiest times in my life.

But it was at that time that the King broke all that remained of the good sentiment I had held towards him, by forbidding me from raising our son.

“You’re too weak.” His voice was chilling, forcing me to step back despite my panic. “You’ll drag him down. He will learn from me, and the rest can be taught by the tutors.”

“HE’S MY CHILD!” I was screaming, all thought of etiquette and calm long forgotten. “HOW CAN YOU KEEP ME FROM HIM?!”

His face didn’t change despite the rage I showed. “He’s a future king before that. You may see him once a week for tea, but that is all.”

I wish that I had left him then, sometimes. Broken ties and returned home to Giral. But I stayed, refusing to leave my child behind. Hoping the restrictions would be relaxed with time.

I could only stand off to the side and watch my son be raised by others. Fortunately he grew up healthy and happy, although he seemed a little reckless and arrogant sometimes, even for such a small child. I felt guilty. I was too weak to defend my position as a mother. And so life went on. I thought I had buried my heart, given up on those maternal feelings to protect myself.

But then I met that girl.

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“This is my daughter, Lenora.” Seline, a beautiful but cold woman, pushed a young girl about four or five years old out in front of her. I was wary at their approach. I had long since learned that she had been my husband’s former fiancé, and had married the Duke of Armeny instead. I was worried she might be seeking revenge, but as I studied her closely I was surprised. There was intense dislike in her gaze, but no hatred. She even seemed willing to curry favor with me, curtsying deeper than required by her rank.

“She is the same age as your son, Ronan.” These sly words broke me from my reverie. I looked up to see her glancing over at her husband with a haughty expression, as if expecting praise and adoration for her words. I realized quickly why Seline hadn’t been focused on me… she was too obsessed with herself. She was obviously hoping to gain favor and pampering by making her daughter the future Queen.

What a selfish woman. I opened my mouth to reject the hidden offer in her words.

“Hello!” A quiet voice caught me off guard, and I turned to face the small girl standing before me.

She had pretty features, framed by light curls. Her face was brightened by her intelligent, expressive eyes and her wide grin. She reached into a pocket in her dress pulling out something and holding it up to me with a shy look.

“Is this for me?” I asked softly, unsure of how to react. She nodded and opened her fingers to reveal a small stone.

A rock?

Lenora looked up at me, scuffing one foot against the floor nervously. “The prettiest stone I could find in our garden. I was going to keep it by my bed but…” She paused and then smiled brightly. “I want you to have it, since you’re pretty too!”

I took the rock from her, taken aback at how relieved she seemed just by me accepting her gift. How did her parents normally treat her? “Thank you, Lenora, I will treasure it.”

“YAY! I’m so happy you like it!” The small form flung herself into my arms. As the girl hugged me tightly, I felt a huge shift in my heart, the kind that left a person completely changed, never to be the same again.

I loved this girl.

“We should discuss an engagement.” I smiled down at Lenora, not caring about how Seline responded. This girl would be my daughter-in-law in the future, my family. I would stay by her, love her, and help raise her.

__________________________________

“You did well!” I patted Lenora on the back, watching her sympathetically. It had been a particularly brutal etiquette lesson. Her mother had attended, a fortunately rare occurrence but one that never failed to cause problems. Seline had watched the lesson with an impatient expression, speaking critically to Lenora over and over until Mrs. Rendler was forced to end the lesson early. I had been late, only catching the last few minutes but even that was enough to break my heart.

“It’s okay, mother is right…” Lenora stared down at her feet. “I’m useless.”

I pulled her into my arms, hugging her, “YOU ARE NOT USELESS! You are a wonderful girl, and I am so proud to have such a smart and kind daughter.” I had long since dropped the “in-law” and simply called her my own child now. It wasn’t like her real mother was around enough to care. “Keep working hard, but don’t hurt yourself. You’re doing very well.”

“Really?” The quiet hope in her face was hard to see. She should be confident, she was skilled, intelligent, and beautiful… but she couldn’t see any of it. Her family ignored her or used her, and my son hadn’t paid enough attention to notice how wonderful the girl he was supposed to marry was. Between all of them, they had buried her in self-doubt, keeping my compliments from being truly meaningful to her.

“I love you, dear. One day I will convince you how amazing you are.”

Lenora smiled, although the expression was slightly sad. “I love you too, Your Majesty.”

I felt a slight pain in my chest at the address. I wanted her to call me mother. But Seline had told the girl to never ignore etiquette and she was afraid of her disapproval. One day, however, when she married Ronan, she would be able to call me that without censure.

I looked forward to it.

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“I’m so worthless!”

The girl was sobbing uncontrollably on the floor in her room. It was her 16th birthday, what should be a happy occasion, but she was alone and sad once more. I felt another burst of irritation at that foolish son of mine. He was obviously the one who had tripped during the dance, but had blamed the fall on her! I decided to lecture him again, but I felt a stab of fear in my heart that he was too arrogant to listen.

I was no longer sure if I had chosen the right path forward. I wanted Lenora to be happy and yet… I couldn’t break the engagement now. Her reputation would be ruined. Her parents were doing their best to throw away their own wealth and dignity, and all the girl had to depend on was her status as future Queen. What would happen if that were taken away?

Ronan grow up soon, he’s still young. He can still be a reliable man, a good husband to Lenora.

Sighing, I sat down next to her on the ground and held her, one hand patting her back.

“I love you, and I always will. No matter what.” I didn’t know what else to say. After a long while she finally calmed down, and I smiled, helping her wipe away her tears. Thinking for a moment I retrieved the present I had planned on giving to her today, handing it over quietly.

The sapphire necklace, my family heirloom.

I took in her shocked face with glee. Lenora had seen this necklace as a young girl and had loved it, often asking to take it out and look at it. I had once thought to give it to her after she married Ronan, after she became my daughter-in-law, but had recently changed my mind. I no longer knew for certain what the future might hold, but I did know this: Lenora would always be my daughter, and therefore should have this necklace whether she married Ronan or not.

I hope it brings you happiness dear. If it does grant wishes, that is my only one. I didn’t say it out loud though, but kept in my heart a bright hope for what the future might bring.

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“What did you say?” I grabbed the servant’s arm weakly, looking up at him with a horrified expression.

“I-I’m sorry, Your Majesty.” He stammered, looking terrified. “But Prince Ronan has already broken the engagement with Lady Lenora at his birthday party, and announced his engagement to another.”

“How could this…?” I groaned, a stabbing pain in my stomach making it difficult to think. I had become sick the night before my son’s birthday party, and had been bedridden for the past four or five days. I had only now been well enough to ask after Lenora, and was now shocked at what I had heard.

I had tried to bring them together. Trading my weekly tea time with Ronan to the King , I only asked in return that the prince would spend that with Lenora instead. I hoped that if he saw her and spoke with her more, he might learn how wonderful she was. It was a simple thought, perhaps a naïve one, but it was all I could do.

And now it was too late

The engagement had been broken five days ago. What had Lenora suffered in that time? I knew all too well how cruel the nobility could be. Having lost her status, with no one to protect her…

I needed to see her, now.

I was still weak, every muscle in my body screaming in pain as I pushed myself out of bed. The servants tried to stop me, protesting that I was too ill to travel, but I ignored them. Pushing my way out, I struggled to stay awake on the carriage ride over.

“Your Majesty.” A grim faced young woman, who I recognized as Lenora’s personal maid, met me at the gate.

“How is Lenora?” I pushed the words out, feeling nauseous from the carriage ride.

“She is… very upset.”

“I need to see her.” I shook my head to clear it, and started to walk forwards, only to be stopped by the maid.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty.” She looked regretful. “Miss gave very specific orders that she didn’t want to see you.”

“You must be mistaken.”

The lady’s maid didn’t seem too bothered by my irritated tone. She leaned forward, whispering conspiratorially “She’s very angry, I’m afraid. I overheard the Miss say that you reminded her of Prince Ronan, and seeing you would only cause her pain.”

She doesn’t want to see me? It didn’t seem right. I wished I were more clear-headed, but the illness still had a strong grip on me. Barely able to move, I returned to my carriage and my rooms, feeling heartbroken.

__________________________________

It took weeks for me to fully recover. During that time I sent countless letters to Lenora. But they were never answered. I tried a few more times to visit, but was rejected at the gate by her maid each time. I missed her dearly, worried for her constantly, but still she avoided me.

The Duchy of Armeny was buried in debt. I was forbidden from interfering, but in return I was guaranteed that Lenora and her parents would be allowed a small place to live. At least she wouldn’t be out on the streets. I tried again to contact her before she left, but my letter was ignored as always.

I was alone, so lonely that the feeling seemed to carve itself deeper into my heart, taking over my soul. Trying to comfort myself, I tried to feel reassured that Lenora would be okay, even if she didn’t have me by her side.

Your daughter is smart and resourceful. Even if she hates you, even if she doesn’t want your help, she will find her own way.

Even if it took some time for her to heal, I would be patient. I would see her again. We could be together again. I just needed to wait a little longer.

She just needed a little more time.

__________________________________

“Lenora’s dead.”

Edith, my son��s new fiancé, gave me the news with a casual smile. I stared back at her, the words rang in my head, repeating over and over until they became nonsensical sounds.

Dead? It didn’t make any sense. Lenora couldn’t be dead. She was a perfectly healthy girl, with a long life ahead of her.

“They found her body this morning.” She continued talking, but I couldn’t hear her. My ears were ringing, darkness closing in around me. I felt two servants grab my arms, trying to support me, but I could only hang helplessly against them.

“Lenora’s dead?” The words sounded wrong as soon as I spoke them. She couldn’t be dead. My daughter, my beloved girl… gone forever? I shook my head, but the dizziness grew worse. I heard horrifying screams of agony, barely recognizing that they were coming from my own throat.

“Lenora.” I tried to call out her name, but even that sound was taken from me as everything faded into darkness.

__________________________________

My world closed around me that day.

I kept to my rooms, sitting at my window. I barred all from my presence other than the butler Hallers. At first I meant to drive him out as well, but seeing the pain and grief in his eyes, and realizing that he had known Lenora as well, I let him stay and serve me. He forced me to eat and drink, keeping me alive when I might have otherwise faded into shadows.

I couldn’t move on. I was crippled with guilt. If only I hadn’t engaged Lenora to my son, setting her up for this fall. If only I had raised my son into a man who wouldn’t toss her away so cruelly, leaving her vulnerable. If only I hadn’t been sick that day, and could have protected her. If only I had insisted on seeing her, no matter how much she hated me and tried to keep me away. If only I had forced my way in, broken down her front door even, and protected her.

If only, if only, if only…

Time passed, but I remained unaware. I ignored all requests from my husband to come out of mourning. That girl Edith came by multiple times, trying to curry favor, but I refused to see her. I couldn’t forget how she smiled the day she told me Lenora was dead. Even if I were to leave my rooms, I planned to avoid her.

Then I fell ill. I had been sick multiple times since I had secluded myself away, always small illnesses that could be resolved with a few medicines and rest, but this time…

I was dying.

I stayed in my bed, a blood stained handkerchief clutched in a weakened hand. At first I had only noticed small drops of blood in what I had coughed up, but it grew worse with each passing hour. There should have been a doctor called, but no one came even as I weakened.

“Hello Mother.”

Edith walked in with an odd smile. I tried to sit up but fell back, too weak to complete the motion, and so glared at her instead.

“I’m not your mother.”

“Really?” she didn’t seem put off by my cold tone, in fact, she smiled and brought up a chair to sit by my bed. “Didn’t you once want Lenora to call you that? Now that I’m your daughter-in-law, shouldn’t I be the one to call you that instead?”

I felt an odd sense of panic. “Don’t speak her name.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Your Majesty, as she is the reason I came here today.” She tossed an object onto my lap, and with a shock I recognized it. The sapphire necklace. The family heirloom I had given to Lenora. When I had Hallers investigate to confirm her death, he had reported that it was thought to be stolen at that time. So how was it here?

“Lenora sold it for a loaf of bread just recently.” Edith laughed, the sound odd and distorted. “She had held onto right until the end, you know? I thought she would have broken long before that.”

“Lenora…” I stared at the jewelry in my hand, a brief hope flaring within me. “She’s alive…?”

“Not anymore.” Edith laughed as my expression fell, my heart breaking once again within my chest. “She died this morning, of starvation. I saw her body myself before having them throw it into the forest to be food for the animals.”

“This morning…?” My head was spinning, it was difficult to think straight. “But she died a long time ago…”

“Oh, that was a lie. I tricked you with another girl’s corpse. She’s been lost and alone without friends and family for over a year now.”

Her voice was calm, as if discussing the weather, but the unnatural light of excitement in her gaze gave her true feelings away.

“I convinced her that you abandoned her, despised her. Lenora had always held onto the hope that you still cared about her, but even that was eventually broken into pieces.” She laughed again, and I flinched, filled with horror at her words.

Lenora had been living all this time. Starving. Thinking that I despised her.

It was too painful to bear. I gripped the necklace tightly, my thinned skin tearing against the hard edge of the amulet, bright red blood staining my palm and the jewelry alike.

“Why?” I could barely force out a whisper. I felt even weaker, as if my spirit was breaking along side my body, any will I had to move forward drained from me.

“Because she was a thief who took my place.” Her smile was terrifying, filled with madness. “I was meant to be the Duke’s beloved daughter. I should have been pampered and loved! I was supposed to be engaged to your son and you were supposed to love ME!”

She was shouting at the end, the chair she had been sitting on kicked to the floor as she leaned over me. “But you refused to even look at me after your precious Lenora was gone! I gave you so many chances, but you threw them all away!”

She drew closer, whispering in my ear. “That’s why it’s too late now. I’ve already poisoned you. So you can go join your useless daughter, just like you wanted. But just remember: if you had been smart enough to recognize that she was a fraud, that she had only stolen what belonged to me… you would have lived a long and happy life.”

Edith stepped back, a look of vicious satisfaction on her face. I stared up at her, finding it hard to breathe through the pain, but still forcing a smile, surprising her.

“My only regret in this life is that I didn’t love my daughter more, that I didn’t protect her better. As for you… you mean nothing to me.”

“...” A long silence fell between us.

“Fine.” She spat out the word like a curse. “Die like a fool.” With that she was gone.

I turned on my side, the movement agonizing. Tears filled my eyes, tracking down my cheeks, soaking my disheveled hair and the pillow beneath my head. In my hands I clutched the bloody necklace, holding it tightly to my chest.

“Lenora.” The name came out of my lips as a hoarse whisper.

I had hoped this necklace would bring her happiness, but instead she died alone and miserable.

“I’m... sorry.

I wanted to see her grow up happy and healthy, surrounded by friends and family.

“I wish….”

If I could have one wish in this lifetime, no matter the cost…

“You had another chance.”

I would only use it for her happiness.

“Lenora... please be happy next time.”

As the world faded into darkness around me, the last thing I saw was the blue jewel in my hand glowing with a brilliant red light.

__________________________________

In another life…

“GRANDMA!” I woke up, startled by the loud shout and a small form jumping on me.

It was a young boy, with bright mischievous eyes and dark curls, looking up at me with a grin.

“What is it, sweetie?” I reached out and hugged my grandson, feeling a sense of warmth in my heart.

He looked around at my question, as if looking to see if anyone else was listening in, turning back to whisper. “There’s going to be a party today!”

“A party?” I raised an eyebrow. “Is this a surprise party for my birthday?” He nodded enthusiastically and laughing, I hugged him tighter.

“Are you excited, Grandma?”

“Very. But we should probably pretend I don’t know anything about it.” He looked confused, but before I could explain the concept of “surprise party” another voice called out.

“Thomas, I told you not to bother grandmother before…” Aimee, her graceful movements showing the results of her etiquette training, halted in surprise, stopping mid-sentence. She looked between us, obviously not wanting to ruin the surprise party, unaware that her little brother already had.

“It’s alright, Aimee, I already know.” I reached out to hug her as well, enjoying having both children in my arms.

“Can you pretend to be surprised for mother?” She asked carefully, her eyes concerned. “She’s been planning this for weeks and I don’t want her to be sad.”

What a thoughtful child.

Feeling proud, I patted her head. “Don’t worry. I’ll be surprised.”

“Thank you.” Standing up and straightening her gown, she held out a hand to help me up. “Then let’s head in, Mother sent me to bring you to the party.”

Holding the two children’s hands, I walked towards the small ballroom where Aimee had said the party was to take place. Aimee opened the door for me, and as I stepped in a group of people stepped forward, shouting:

“SURPRISE!”

I pretended to be shocked, winking at Aimee. “Oh goodness!”

Lenora, looking more of a Queen than I ever had in a dark purple gown with gold trim, reached out to hug me. “Happy birthday, Mother.”

I felt a sting in my eyes as I blinked back tears. “Thank you, dear.”

The rest of the group crowded around with a cheer. Hallers smiled kindly at me before turning away to organize the servants to serve food and drinks. Rig clapped me on the back, almost knocking me over, and then grabbed Thomas to throw him up in the air to his delighted shrieks. Erica and Marile both came forward to greet me, happily showing off the gown they had designed for me to wear later that night at the formal gathering. Henry and Raewynn dragged in an enormous potted plant, all the while arguing on the best care for the species before promising to send me a set of written instructions.

Finally Nate stepped closer, dressed in his formal court robes, the awe-inspiring effect ruined by the small infant he held against his shoulder which had already spit up on him. Grinning foolishly, he grabbed a cloth to clean up the baby girl, holding her out to me after he was finished.

“Elise wanted to say happy birthday to her grandmother too.” He kissed my cheek as he handed me my grandchild, standing beside Lenora and naturally placing an arm around her.

The wide-eyed baby, now in my arms, laughed happily and blew spit bubbles, making me grin.

“Were you really surprised, Mother? “ Lenora looked suspicious as she glanced at her two older children, who suddenly appeared guilty.

I couldn’t abandon my grandchildren, so I lied immediately. “O-of course!”

“…” Lenora stared silently for a few moments, before letting out a long sigh. “Sure.”

Nate drew her closer, and kissed her. “As long she’s happy, then your party was a success.”

Seeing her cheered up by such a simple statement, I once again felt grateful that Lenora was married to a man like Nate, who cared for her so much. They smiled at each other, the love they felt evident in their eyes, briefly seeming to forget about everyone else in the room. Playing with Elise, I waited patiently for them to finish. It took some time, but finally she turned back to me, and the room’s light reflected against the blue gem hanging around her neck.

Noticing the familiar blue necklace, I looked closer, slightly confused. “Lenora, you didn’t change the gem did you?”

She shook her head. “No, it’s the same as when you gave it to me.”

I reached out with my free hand, still holding my granddaughter in the other, and lifted the jewel to look closer. “It looks slightly different.”

Perhaps it was the lighting, but the normally pure blue gem seemed to have a faint red glow within it. As I watched it seemed to flare outwards slightly before fading away, leaving a pure blue color once more. I stared at it for a few more moments, but it didn’t change again. Finally I let it down and stepped away from her, wondering if I had imagined it. “Do you remember what I told you when I gave it to you?”

“That it would bring me happiness?” Lenora grinned.

“Are you happy?”

She glanced around the room at my question, and I did too. Everyone here was a part of the family Lenora had gathered. People she cared about, who loved her dearly in return. She reached out, taking Elise and handing it to her husband, before pulling me into a tight hug.

“I’m very happy, Mother.”

I grinned, tears spilling over and soaking into the shoulder of her gown as I held her close. “Good. I love you, Lenora.”

She smiled at that, a pure expression no longer plagued by doubt or fear of caring for others, and answered without hesitation.

“I love you too, Mother.”

I thought of the life Lenora had once told me about. The one she had lived before this. Where she had died alone, betrayed, despairing. I couldn’t help but wonder about the me that had lived in that lifetime. Had I loved her then as much as I did now?

I thought I might have. After all:

If I could have one wish in this life… No matter the cost, I would only use it for her happiness.

I couldn’t help but wonder if in that life I had done just that. Stepping back, I looked at the necklace once more, and sighed. Lenora had grown up well, surrounded by friends and family who loved her. She was happy, and was creating her own future hand in hand with those she loved. It was everything I had ever hoped for and more

My wish, both in this lifetime and the last, had come true.

#writing #i can't eat love #side part #the queen #last part ever #ahh #i feel really sad that it's over #thanks to everyone who followed along with the series!

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edelmansgirl11-blog · 7 years

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‘Your answers were very well explained. Thank you for your thoroughness. For the next question for this progressive interview, please tell me three things that you would like to do if you weren’t afraid to do them.’

The first question had been complex, asking her to name ten things that she was grateful for. That question alone set the tone for the depth this interview was going to be aiming for. They weren’t questions that she’d ever been asked in an interview before. Normally they focused on things about what it was like growing up as the daughter of Lenora Beckett or how she felt about being a ‘child star’. These, however, were digging deeper, achieving a level that was hard to tap into in a face to face interview, leaving her impressed and challenged all at the same time.

This one was difficult in its own right as she didn’t find herself terribly afraid of anything. She’d try most anything once without fear, and so she would read the email there on her phone and then gave herself a couple of hours to think it over. Her time was running thin before her first business trip was to take place and her nerves were high enough. If this interview had been done a year earlier, this would have been one of her answers. Attempting to set up a charity to help people who were facing what might possibly be the hardest times of their lives. People who had been hurt in ways that no one ever should be. And yet, there she was, placing the last article of clothing into her suitcase, declaring herself packed, aside from the essentials that would have to wait until Sunday night to go into the bag.

Alex didn’t function on fear. She didn’t accept it and she didn’t give it time and space in her head. If she wanted to do something, she did. Even if she thought it impossible or extraordinarily difficult. From an early age, she learned to never let her mind limit her. The experiences she’d had growing up in the manner she did were ones that most people never did have. Everything from riding an elephant on her eighth birthday to skydiving for her sixteenth birthday, she’d done so much that it was hard to say what else she might do. It was hard to even think of what there was that she hadn’t done. She hadn’t had a child, and that was fearful enough, yet she and Jaime were actively trying to get pregnant. There were fears wrapped up in signing on with Netflix and doing something with a set schedule, as everything else she’d ever done was movies, and yet there she was, with season three releasing soon. The question was surely meant to be deep and yet she could imagine that it wasn’t supposed to be so difficult at the same time.

Late in the afternoon on Saturday, Jaime had slipped off into a nap there on the sofa against her lap and she just couldn’t bring herself to move from that spot. Running her fingers through his hair, she looked down at his face, drawing in a slow breath as she looked at the one fear she did have. Losing him. This man had become everything to her. From the time the two met in the summer of 2014, she didn’t stand a chance. He was charming and he made her laugh. The way he smiled set her soul on fire. She felt things within weeks of knowing him that she had not ever felt before. The pain of prior situations had slipped away when she met him, knowing that he was the reason that it had all happened. A year and a half later, when he asked her to marry him, she did not hesitate with her answer. Although her own parents were not married and she was raised to believe that such bonds were unnatural, it felt absolutely natural with him. Now, a year and a half later, the two were married, and enjoying newlywed life, but it didn’t mean those thoughts didn’t creep into her mind, of just what it would be if she ever did lose him. She’d seen what her life was without him already and the idea of such things now, she couldn’t process it. The woman who thought she held no fear, found her fear, and yet it still wasn’t the right kind of fear for the interview question. Ultimately, she’d fall asleep, her fingers still stroking there through Jaime’s hair until all at once, her hand came to a stop against his forehead. A half hour later, she would wake up and all at once, she knew what her answers were.

~~~

If I were not afraid, I would speak my mind when I’m hurt. I would tell the person who hurt me what it was that had hurt me and why it did so. I would tell them how to fix it. And in that moment, if they chose not to, I would walk away. I would put myself first for once and realize that a person that truly cares for you will not hurt you without trying to make it right or fix it. I would stop accepting their selfishness as a viable reason for hurting me. I would be brave enough to know that they were showing me who they really are in that moment. I would not compromise my own feelings for the sake of theirs. In past experiences, I catered to their feelings on things of the sort. If they had a solid reason for why they felt the way they did, I put away my own hurt and accepted it. But if I were not afraid, I would put myself first. Both people can’t put themselves first. That isn’t how it works. And that’s what is terrifying about it. If I am to stand for what it is that I feel, while they are standing for theirs, there is no way to continue. Ultimately, one person has to compromise their own feelings and cater to the other. I have never been the person that stood by my own feelings and took a situation and said that I would not compromise, and yet I’ve had others refuse and when they did, I gave into it because I’d rather be slightly compromised to be sure they are comfortable, even if it makes me uncomfortable. If I wasn’t afraid, I’d hold my ground.

If I held no fear at all, I would speak openly about my life. I would talk about what it was like growing up or working in the industry, without feeling as though I needed to be careful of my words. If I knew I could hurt no one in the process, the words I would say might be different than the ones I speak when asked. There’s this filter that has to exist, where you have to be careful of each and every word you say, and thus is the difference between getting an answer that is true, yet reserved, versus getting a genuine and thorough answer. I would speak out on the things that were asked of me early on in my career (independent of my mother). I would speak about how difficult it was being a child actor and the sacrifices that were made. I would go on to talk about my dreams and aspirations and goals for my own children and how I won’t do it the same way. If I weren’t afraid, I’d express myself more thoroughly.

And lastly, if I was not afraid of the consequence, I would write a screenplay. I always have these ideas that I think would play out so well on screen, although I’m not ever certain if they are a good idea for just one scene or just one season or if they would have the ability to spark and entire series or film. The idea of putting my name on something like that is terrifying to me and leaves me asking why I would even want to. I’ve had my hand in so many different things, and the natural route to take for most actors is to direct, but I have no directing aspirations at this time. I won’t say I never will, but for right now, I’m perfectly happy being where I am in that regard. But to be the person that actually wrote the material, that had the idea, that was able to sit back and watch that idea come to life on film? I think professionally, should I ever stop acting, that would be what I’d like to try my hand at, though the fear of failure there is enough to suffocate a person. As an actor, when we go into something, if it doesn’t go well, there’s this escape in our minds where we can know that we did the best we could portraying what was provided to us. But the actual story? That’s where the key lies. The greatest cast in the world can’t sell poorly written material. So if I was sure I wouldn’t fail, and fear was not a factor, I’d definitely try my hand at scripting.

~~~

As she read over her answers, she second guessed them, but she could only do so for so long before the feeling settled in on her that those answers were true and honest. She had entered into this difficult progressive interview with the knowledge that it would be challenging and in that challenge, she wanted to be as blatantly honest as she could be. She knew there could be repercussions from what she had to say, but it wasn’t the kind of interview that really gave room for the conservative answers. It needed more than that. It required a type of honesty that was often lost in such scenarios and demanded that it be acknowledged for what it was. With only the second question, she would come to realize just why it was done on this platform and in this manner, where time was given to answer thoroughly as the internal struggles it presented had the power to not only provide readers an insight that was uncommon, but furthermore, it had the power to get them thinking and perhaps even changing.

She’d find it more difficult to press the send button on this email as the answers seemed to be so much bigger than the last, though a few days ago, she couldn’t have imagined such a thing to be true, only leaving her to wonder just what the next round would include and if the questions would continue to get progressively more in depth as they went along. Pressing send on the email, she set her phone back on the side table and laid her head back against the back of the sofa once more, her hand returning to Jaime’s head where her fingers separated the strands of his hair, smoothing over his scalp before repeating the action once again.

-September 30, 2017

#edelmansgirl_11 #iwrite #30dwp #2017

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