#this wasn't today's mood but actually a different day's mood. just clarifying

[alsojnpie]

today's mood

[studentbyday]

hello, i drafted an aesthetic studyblr post for today, but didn't feel like posting it bc today is an ugly rant kind of day. (more kermits under the cut)

AAAAHHHHHH STUPID FREAKING WINDOWS- 😩😫😭🤬🤬🤬 so i was working on my laptop for these past few days which uses a different ms office version from the computer i switched to today and all my work was LOST!! 😭😭 all the notes i took on OneNote (at least it was just the psyc notes i had done on the laptop - idk what i would do if biochem or mol bio notes were lost. i'd probably cry for real) and all the work i did on that biochem paper? GONE!! my brother uses LibreOffice so i finally switched to that (altho their UI isn't that nice). at this point, i might as well switch to linux (unless that would cause unforeseen problems if i still sometimes do work on windows? idk) 😅 any recs for free notes apps that have a small learning curve and are OneNote-like?

the STRANGEST part is, some of the notes and lost files came back as i was working?? i didn't do anything and i *swear* i wasn't seeing things, so like, WTF??? not that i'm complaining. i hope the entire week of psyc notes i lost comes back. if not, i'll probs rewrite them if i have time. i hope i have time. i really hate this.

also, good thing i didn't like the way i wrote the biochem paper so far. i rewrote the thing in a google doc instead just to be safe and i like the way it flows much better now. AND!!! it's super annoying that i had to do this, but my handwritten notes on the main article i'm basing my paper on were confusing me. like, in terms of the flow of the biochemistry. so i basically rewrote those notes, doing this huge web in paint and idk if i could've done that on the first read instead of the way i did it. i hate feeling like i've done double work.

after rewriting the paper (i'm not even done yet - there are several things i wanna add yet and some facts i wanna clarify) and my notes on the article for said paper, i was exhausted. i tried to switch gears by reading the instructions/background for the biochem discussion post due tmr (that i was supposed to write today 😒) but i don't get it. it's like i didn't cover lipoproteins at all! i don't remember anything! what am i here* for if i can't remember anything?!

update: i answered 1 question for the discussion post. i still have to answer 1 more but i need to finish reading the background info first.

ALSO! i was supposed to study for 6+ hours today. i have no idea how long i actually studied bc i kept stopping and starting the study with me video and i worked through the breaks anyway, so the dinging timers were just annoying.

*"here" as in at uni, studying, although if in the right mood, it could also expand to my entire existence 🙂 (luckily i'm too angry rn to feel philosophical 😒)

okay, let's try not to end so sour. good things that happened today:

physio exercises ✅

skincare ✅ (i have added lip balm to the list asides from lotion bc the chapped state hurts 🙁)

mol bio quiz ✅

journal ✅

tomorrow will be better. and if it doesn't start out right, imma fight it until it is and i won't be defeated 😠

[figs-and-cigs]

I keep thinking about clarifying with kiddo the difference between needs and wants. You don't NEED candy or a new toy, you WANT them. You might not WANT to go to bed, but you do NEED to go to bed.

I then keep thinking about my ex who expressed a lot of needs over the course of our few months of a relationship. She needed consistent communication - in the form of daily phone calls, and texts. She needed consistent time together - expected at least two dates a week. She needed me to understand her dietary restrictions. She needed me to communicate date plans at least two days in advance. Etc.

I had agreed to attempt to meet those 'needs'. A daily phone call, planning two dates a week, catering to her diet were things that were mostly things I wanted, was willing, and able to do. Mostly.

Then a day came where I had one of my fibromyalgia flares and I didn't call or text. Memory issues, disorganization, family issues, made me plan dates at the last minute. We went to a acai bowl place for lunch - and while it met her dietary needs she wasn't in the mood for fruit.

And every time she'd reiterate her "needs". I'd apologize, explain why I wasn't able to meet those "needs" this time but also feel chastised for "failing". Then when I expressed I could no longer meet a "need" (scheduling two days a week because my family schedule changed and takes priority), things fell apart.

Thinking about the topic today. She was expressing wants and desires but prioritized them as needs.

In my mind needs are things required to make the relationship work long term, but my individual needs are mine, and mine alone to meet.

Communication, understanding, trust, quality time, and intimacy are the main needs within in a relationship. When it comes to how that looks we have to work with each other. We can express our desires (a daily phone call), but demanding and expecting someone to meet that desire becomes an issue.

Consistent communication is one thing, it is a requirement.

However it should not be a requirement for your partner to meet a specific task in order for you to feel validated, reassured, and safe. Yes, your partner should make you feel those things - because they're your partner - but not because of an arbitrary daily phone call. Basing our relationship around these desired tasks being carried out meant that if I didn't meet expectations, she was never going to feel ok within the relationship. Even when I WAS meeting the desired tasks 9 times out of 10, she still didn't feel ok.

When my actual needs conflicted with her desires, things fell apart. When my need for rest because I had a fibro flare meant I didn't call one day - she questioned how much I valued her. When I desired understanding for my memory issues, she questioned how much effort I was willing to put into the relationship. When I needed to change my schedule... Well she didn't handle that well.

I don't know. I'm rambling and processing thoughts.

Yesterday my husband asked me to do the dishes todah. I expressed to my husband I needed to rest so the dishes didn't get washed. I wanted to say, "I need YOU to do them." Wahhh. That's not true though, I'm capable of getting them done. He's currently washing some of the dishes. There was no expectation for him to do that. I didn't request it. I could have made the request, but it was my turn to do them.

But the message it sends is that he understands my health conditions. We're in a partnership and don't "need" either of us to meet tasks. We just do what feels natural as individuals who try to understand each other and try to work with each other - not FOR each other. We aren't need fulfilling machines.

I might make another rant about boundaries and expectations another time. I'm praying for my ex, I hope she finds inner peace and fulfillment. I don't know. I wanted a relationship with her, but I didn't need it.

[the-era-of-shadow]

Innate Affiliation

Written by Ash Rose Red

Cover Art by Ash Rose Red

Chapter 5: The Rough Road to Recovery

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS: Swearing, mention of a dismembered body part

[Previous]

[Next]

As Amy, Tsunami, Whisper, Big and Froggy made their way back to Ms.Vanilla's home, they could just ever so slightly hear the sounds of a great commotion going on from within. The rest of the Freedom Fighters seemed to congregate in and around the cabin, talking amongst themselves as they waited for the five of them to arrive. 

Amy stared off into one of the house's windows, and saw that Sonic, Tails and Sally were having a discussion, but she also noticed that Sonic was wearing his glasses.

Sonic doesn't always wear his glasses, in fact, as of recently, he usually doesn't. But when he does, Amy has noticed that he seems to almost transform into a completely different person. He's nicer, he's more soft-spoken, more weird and nerdy. To be completely honest with herself, Amy liked Sonic more when he wore his glasses. But Amy wasn't sure that such would still apply after everything that had happened the week before.

Regardless, she entered the cabin.

As she expected, Sally approached Amy as soon as the two's gazes met, requesting that Amy join her and the others in their discussion. Amy was quite frankly tired of hearing anything coming from Sonic's mouth, and felt a bit betrayed by how Tails decided to buddy up with him rather than her for today's vacation. Deep down, Amy just wanted to have a nice, calming day with her friends, whether they be old or new to her.

Regardless, she agreed to Sally's request.

When Amy and Sally arrived at the room where the discussion was to be held, Amy saw that Tails and Sonic seemed to be rather melancholic; this discussion, certainly, was going to be a serious one. While it wasn't villainous aliens disguising as her friends to lure her into their lair, this was still most definitely going to be a mood killer, an early end to her good day.

Regardless, she entered the room, and sat down in one of the chairs within.

"Amy..." A voice of sympathy and regret came from Sonic's mouth.

"Are you finally apologizing for lying to me all these years?" Amy asked bluntly.

"Y-yes, and also-" Amy was stunned, astonished, even.

"Wow! Those glasses really do make you a better person!" She exclaimed.

"That's... uh... What we wanted to talk about, actually..." Tails interjected, which confused Amy.

"What are you talking about?" Amy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"There's been something... else... that Sonic has been hiding from you-" Sally said, causing Amy to flair up in anger.

"OH OF COURSE HE FUCKING HAS! WHY AM I EVEN SURPRISED?!" She yelled, looking like she was ready to kill Sonic right then and there as she shot up from her seat, but Tails took hold of her by the shoulders in order to try and prevent anything of that sort from occurring.

"It's not about you this time, i-it's something about... them..." They clarified, which only made Amy angrier.

"TAILS YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS BIG OF A FUCKING DEAL OVER SONIC CHANGING THEIR DAMN PRONOUNS-!!" She shouted.

"I-I... Well, Sonic did change pronouns, but that's not what I'm talking about!" Tails tried to explain, feeling bad that they had to raise their voice.

"Th-then what the hell IS this about, Tails-??" Amy questioned sternly.

"WE'RE A FUCKING SYSTEM, OKAY??" Sonic suddenly shouted, eyes full of tears, and seemingly rather pissed off.

"Wh... What...?" Amy asked, startled and confused.

"... I-I'm so sorry, I swear to Chaos I thought I had xem under control now, they weren't supposed to be able to yell at Amy like that-" 

"It's alright Nicky, I know you've been away for a while..." Tails assured them quietly.

"N-Nicky?? I... I thought that was your deadname??" Amy questioned, now more concerned than angry. 

"Amy... you don't know what "being a system" means, do you?" Sally asked sympathetically.

"No??? I... I don't understand any part of what's going on here???" Amy hastily responded.

"Well, in that case... Tails? Would you do the honors?"

"Of course, Sal. I told you, so I don't see why I shouldn't be the one to explain the situation to Amy as well!" Tails accepted with a tired, but genuine smile.

From there, Tails gently explained to Amy that Sonic/Nicky have a complex dissociative disorder, meaning that they had experienced repeated trauma throughout their early childhood, which resulted in a singular identity being unable to be formed. The system, that being the term for the alternate identities, or alters for short, within the body as a whole, isn't just Sonic and Nicky, as Tails clarified. It's just that those two are the two hosts of the system, or the alters who are present the most.

"The reason why you notice a difference between when they wear glasses versus when they don't is because it is, in a sense, a physical marker of who's present. Nicky prefers to wear glasses, while Sonic prefers contacts." Sally added.

"Our system name is "Genesis Overdrive", but I'm sure you can just ask who's in front and they'll just tell ya," Nicky interjected.

"... "In front"?" Amy questioned.

"Oh, sorry! That's just a more simplified way of saying that a certain alter is present at the given moment." Nicky answered awkwardly.

"So... Since we have that out of the way..." Amy said just as awkwardly, now feeling bad for blowing up in the way that she did.

"You're wondering what Sonic's new pronouns are, aren't you?" Tails assumed, to which Amy nodded, "Knew it! Anyway... you see, Nicky told me that Sonic hadn't really been... "grooving" with the he/him, and Nicky guessed that Sonic was just going with the he/him because of Nicky -" 

"My pronouns are he/they, by the way!" Nicky interrupted suddenly, feeling bad for the interruption right after, "S-sorry, I got excited..."

"It's fine, really!" Tails assured, "Anyway, as I was saying, Sonic felt like experimenting with their pronouns, and decided to start going by they/them and the neopronouns xe/xem to see how those felt!" 

"Ah! Well, thanks for letting me know. Even if I kinda hate them at the moment, I still want to gender them correctly!" Amy remarked with a smile.

"Uhm, Mr... Nicky, can I ask you -" Tsunami suddenly appeared from behind Amy, spooking Nicky practically out of his seat.

"Oh good Chaos! Sorry about that, Nicky!" Amy quickly apologized, "This is Tsunami, my mother. Did Sonic not tell you about her?" 

"Sonic... didn't really tell me about much of the stuff that happened recently, just that you... chucked us out a window?" 

"Oh... yeah, sorry about that, too! I wouldn't have done that if I knew it wasn't just Sonic in there!" 

".... What did Sonic do this time?" Nicky asked, sounding exasperated.

"Well, it's a looooong story, really..." Amy warned, sitting back down in her chair. Tails and Sally both rolled their eyes, both of them having taken part in this song and dance before. Nicky didn't mind that, however, and thus, Amy once again retold the past week's events - as if her life was stuck in some sort of terrible cycle of events.

"After Amy's done, may I ask you... why is it that this sort of thing happens?" Tsunami inquired of Nicky.

—------------------------------------------------------

Shadow paced about the floating temple grounds, not sure what they should do, now that it was finished with their Hi-Bloosiæne studies for the day, and that its tussle with Dr. Ivo Robotnik had passed as well. Looking down for just a moment, Shadow noticed something on the temple's floor that hadn't been there before.

"The Doctor's ear that Mom sliced off?" It muttered to themself as they picked the ear up, "Well, I mean, it did have to land somewhere, I suppose..." 

As they inspected it further out of curiosity, they suddenly felt the sharp wind of someone quickly passing by it sweep over them. It would seem that the Black Arms' trusty scientist, Eclipse, was in need of something, and fast.

"Where are you heading, Eclipse?" It asked.

"Shadow, you must understand, I am no good with robotics." They responded, seeming to completely skip the question.

"So you're...?" Shadow inquired further, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm going to take that two-tailed fox prisoner and have them explain to me how that sort of thing works." Eclipse answered bluntly, leaving Shadow stunned.

"... I-I would have... thought that you of all people would have realized how completely moronic that sounds by this point..." Shadow sputtered, trying to collect its thoughts, "I have nothing else going on right now, I at least know Omega better than you do, let's just figure out how to get him hooked up to the hivemind together!" 

"... Ah. I accept your offer, my liege." Eclipse said, feeling embarrassed.

The two walked quietly to Eclipse's laboratory, Shadow silently hoping to be able to check up on the progress of the new Dark Arms as well as their own Project Midnight. It felt bad that they hadn't been able to help with development as of late, with all the duties it has been given as the Black Arms' new leader, but it knew that Midnight was in good hands with Eclipse and Relic keeping tabs on her progress. Shadow began to ponder if this was how Black Doom felt during Shadow's own creation, he too carried the responsibility of leadership, as Gerald watched over Shadow aboard the ARK. Did Doom similarly trust Gerald to that level as well? Or was there distrust towards him for his humanity? But this was before G.U.N raided the ARK, so why did Shadow have that feeling?

"Do... do you not remember...? Just before our battle..." Doom muttered, sounding somewhat pained.

"Remember...? What is there to remember...?" Shadow inquired, confused.

"Pardon me...?" Doom responded, shocked.

"I... I don't remember our battle in itself all that much... Just the moment of regret... A moment that came far too late..." Shadow explained.

"I... I see..." Doom replied, both concerned and intrigued by this discovery.

But the time for speculation of any sort, or for checking up on any laboratory projects, was cut short, as when Eclipse and Shadow arrived at the laboratory, they both saw Yuki sitting on the table, seemingly waiting for them both to arrive.

"Yuki, don't you believe it's a bit early to be preparing to rest?" Eclipse asked, as recently Yuki and Harazuki had been sleeping in Eclipse's laboratory, like they had in the nursery on the New Black Comet.

"It would be, blarjikære*, but that is not why I'm here." Yuki clarified, "With yesterday's failure to capture Amy, I have decided to instead look into finding the location of Trixie and her partners for now. As for why I'm here, I thought you two could help me out with that." He then explained.

*Translation Note: Close friend within the Black Arms

"I know of a Trixie, but I don't know how helpful that would be..." Shadow responded.

"Please tell me regardless, you never know." Yuki told them.

"Trixie Rose! Member of my favorite pop punk band, Roses & Renegades! She's a black cat mobian with a pink streak in her fur!" Shadow explained, Yuki and Eclipse looking at it in shock. "...Did I say something wrong?" 

"Trixie Rose is the exact name of the person we're looking for." Eclipse informed them.

"And pink is like... her signature color!" Yuki added.

"Oh. I guess that would explain the strong Black Arms vibes I always got from their music." 

"... Kæ' Blak Doom ducsie, Shahdo…*" Yuki and Eclipse both groaned in unison.

*Translation Note: “Dear Lord Black Doom almighty, Shadow…”

"Wait! You said a band, right? Shadow, can you tell me about the other members?" Yuki said.

Shadow did as it had requested, revealing that the band had three members in total. Along with Trixie, there was with her Stella Primrose, a tan hyena mobian with purple streaks in her fur, and Max Rosemary, a dull red octopus mobian with darker maroon tips at the ends of his tentacles that served as hair.

"Yep, that adds up. Those descriptions match decently well with Trixies dearest partners; Rai and Aikshlin Rose." Yuki noted simply, while Eclipse wrote everything that Shadow had said down in a spare notebook they had lying around.

"Oh! Rai! Father and Aunt Sendrir taught me recently that rai means star in Hi-Bloosiæne! And stella means star in Italian! I think that should count as another point for suspicion!" Shadow informed the two.

"I don't know if that's clever or stupid..." Eclipse muttered, garnering a chuckle out of Yuki and Shadow.

"Okay, whatever you say, Doctor Ezrieal Clysdale." Shadow teased, to which Eclipse scoffed and rolled their eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

"Aikshlin... It seems that he is alive and well... Oh how glad that makes me...!" Doom interjected suddenly.

"That pleases me as well... He always lended me a helpful hand when I needed it. If I were truly a Black Arms leader beyond the hopes of some of the hivemind's people, he would have certainly been considered a loyal attendant to my side..." Eclipse recollected.

"I see... He was once one of my attendants before our failed invasion. A truly skilled and loyal soul born from a rather peculiar human boy..." Doom replied.

"Perhaps that should be a priority of ours? To search for and bring home these lost Black Arms?" Shadow suggested.

"I'm down for that." Yuki responded. "I will mention, there's at least one other lost Black Arms other than those three." 

"Is there now?" Eclipse questioned curiously.

"Yes. I remember in the chaos that was the crumbling of the New Black Comet, I came across a maiden I simply knew as Blossom, I believe she worked as er... something like what you'd call a librarian in this land's tongue? They organized and kept check of all the information stored in the Black Arms hivemind at any given time. When I saw her run past me to one of the escape pods, I read only one thought from her mind... She desired to make sure the Black Arms story would be kept safe and maintained..." Yuki explained.

"Hello Mama! Hello Uncle Yuki!! Hello Shadow!! I noticed you all are talking... plotting... Do you want some tea to accompany you?" Rhygenta implored of the three, appearing suddenly from below the table.

"That would be splendid, deary!" Eclipse replied happily. "Thank you so much!" 

"No problem!" Rhygenta said as she scurried off to prepare the teas, continuing to listen to the three converse as she did.

—------------------------------------------------------

After Amy and Nicky were done talking, they, along with Sally and Tails, left the room and integrated themselves within the rest of the lot at the party. There were a lot of people in Ms. Vanilla's house tonight, it would seem that all of the Freedom Fighters were in attendance, not to mention the addition of the Chaotix and Big. Though, still, it was far less than the amount of people at Amy's birthday party just a few weeks earlier, which Amy did indeed find entertaining. Sure, it was her Sweet Sixteen, it had to be a big party! But despite that, Amy still found the juxtaposition between her own larger than life party then and Knuckles's more low key party now intriguing. It was mainly Knuckles's idea for Amy to have such an extravagant party, after all. Amy was almost in a way like a daughter to him, and he wanted to make sure that Amy is given the best life she can have, which is why he seemed less than pleased to see Nicky, who he still believed to be Sonic, enter his line of sight.

"You've got a lotta nerve turning up here with those glasses of yours with how you've been acting lately!" He snarled.

"Knuckles, I understand your concern, but why don't we settle down for now? It's your b-day, big guy! You deserve to enjoy it." Tails said to Knuckles, hoping to gently soothe him down. They would've told him about the system thing if it weren't for how busy the whole house was at that moment.

"Oh alright, I guess you're right..." Knuckles obliged, Tails could hear Espio chuckling from close behind.

As Tails and Nicky were occupied with Knuckles, Amy slipped away and trudged through the crowd to locate Whisper, wondering if she had found the other Freedom Trainees, or if she had been essentially stranded amongst the chaos. Eventually she noticed that the Freedom Trainees and Big had snuck away with Cream into her bedroom in order to avoid the mass of people. Understandable, Amy's a social gal, and even then, things were starting to feel a bit uncomfortable for her. Perhaps it was the fact that Vanilla's home was not really built to house so many people? Or maybe it was just from her worries about everything else as of late.

As Cream, Big, Tangle and Lux cleaned and prepared Cream’s tea sets for the big dinner that night, Amy watched the other partygoers go about, with Whisper, Tsunami and Jewel by her side. She did consider the thought that such behavior could be perceived as weird, or even off putting, but Amy came to the conclusion that she didn’t quite care. As much as she hated it, she had the feeling that something could go wrong at any moment, and she wanted to be ready for when that would happen.

She saw Nicky go to grab something from his pocket, only to realize that whatever it was that they were looking for was not in there.

“I’ve been thinking about what Nicky said…” Tsunami said as the aforementioned Nicky scurried off into the crowd, and out of Amy’s sight.

“What part are you thinking about?” Amy asked Tsunami telepathically, not wanting to be heard by the partygoers, some of them surely still unaware of Tsunami’s existence.

“The part about that whole… dissociative disorder thing… he has… being caused by childhood trauma..” Tsunami answered sheepishly.

“... Why that, specifically?” Amy quiered, unaware of where Tsunami was going with this.

“Well… I said it already before, but it bears repeating; I was not a good mother to my first two children… I would often abandon them along with the rest of my responsibilities… That is not to say that there was no one looking after them at all, no… But while Trixie found herself often in Doom’s care, Yuki was often looked after by my brother, Black Death… His temper was abhorrent, but I had figured back then that he would at least fare decently well as a caretaker in my absence, as he had been sufficient enough with such responsibilities in the past… But the times had changed… He had grown colder, more angry, more violent… I can realize in hindsight that such company was not fit for poor Yuki… As it was Death who would, funny enough, see to it my end…” Amy looked at Tsunami, completely stunned. Big, too, had paused, hearing Tsunami’s tale. “When I would look after Yuki, I noticed that… He seems to experience the same woes Nicky does… And now I can’t help but wonder… Is it my fault that Yuki is now afflicted with such a disorder…?” 

That was most certainly a difficult question, and one that seemed to weigh on Tsunami heavily. Amy, however, seemed to come to an answer rather easily.

"I wouldn't say so, personally��� Sure, maybe abandoning your children wasn't the wisest choice… But I'd definitely argue it was ultimately your brother's fault for the trauma Yuki sustained, as he was supposed to care for him in your absence. Your brother betrayed the trust you had in him by hurting Yuki… That's just my opinion, though." She said. "Besides, you realize now that what you did was wrong, so why dwell on it, instead of trying to grow from it?"

"Mr.Big, are you feeling alright…? You've become very quiet all of a sudden…" Cream asked, causing a pit to form in both Amy and Tsunami’s stomachs.

"I'm not keen on keeping secrets around here… Big is a Black Arms too, but he's a nice one… Got it…?" Whisper explained to the others.

"The Black Arms? Aren't those the scary aliens that invaded our planet a couple of years ago..?" Cream asked.

"Uh… yes…?" Amy sheepishly answered, for she had been hoping that she could keep Cream away from all this Black Arms nonsense.

"Oh! Is that the past mistake Ms.Tsunami is trying to atone for? Well, I do believe that having another familiar ally on your side is a very lucky thing to have, yes yes!" Cream surmised, which significantly calmed the nerves of all three of the previously Black Arms affiliated members of the present party.

"... I guess now would be a good time to mention that Amy is also part Black Arms then, huh?" Tangle suggested with a nervous smile.

"Really?? I didn't know that!!" Cream replied.

"Neither did I! Sonic kept it a secret from me until just last week, when xe had to clear things up after it was dropped on me like a bombshell by the jackass that also drugged Whisper." Amy remarked, too bitter over the situation to care about Vanilla possibly becoming cross with her for swearing while talking to Cream.

“That’s not very nice of Mr.Sonic to do!” Cream reacted, shocked.

“Mx.Sonic, I’m pretty sure. I was told that they wanted to start shying away from masculine terms.” Amy quickly told the young girl.

“Oh, okay! My mistake!”

“So, you’re gonna be a part of the Giving Those Black Aliens An Ass Whoopin’ Crew, then?” Lux asked Big.

“Ah… I’d rather not fight… But I do want to help make them stop hurting people…” Big answered.

“Good enough for me!” Lux exclaimed, leaning into Big for an embrace.

As the others chit-chatted, with the air less tense, Amy returned to watching the party. She saw Nicky return with what seemed to be a piece of paper in his hand. It can’t be… can it?

“Hey, I uh… found this letter at the doorstep after my talk with Tails and Sal.” He said awkwardly.

Amy's body froze as she overheard Nicky's words. Amy had spent her entire day running from the current events of her life, not wanting to put up with it, and yet, another fucking letter?? Did they not learn from last time?? Amy felt herself becoming enraged, but as soon as she noticed that rage, she tried to suppress it. To be so angry would be to be like how Shadow was, it would prove Sonic right, and she didn't want that in any sense of the word.

The Freedom Trainees noticed Amy's tense aura and all looked at her in concern. None of them were there for when Amy had last faced The Black Arms, they were in the Sky Patrol playing board games while she fought on the streets of Starlight City with Knuckles, Tails and Espio. They had no idea about the truth of that letter she received yesterday.

Despite the stress she was under, Amy told them the truth. She told them who the letter from yesterday was truly from.

"... Figures..." Whisper snarled, looking like she was ready to kill every one of those black aliens right then and there.

"... Maybe this is different? Nicky didn't even say the letter was for you..." Jewel suggested, trying to calm Amy down.

Jewel was right, it wasn't for Amy, it was for Knuckles.

Is that better?

Amy couldn't quite tell.

“Uhm… Thanks, I guess?” It was clear that Knuckles felt just as uneasy as Amy did, which was a comfort in some sense.

“Y-you don’t have to read it right now, I know you’re busy with the party and all, just figured that it’d be important to bring this to your attention, that’s all…” Nicky explained, which was followed up by Knuckles asking where this meek attitude had come from so suddenly, still thinking it was Sonic that he was talking to. Amy would probably have to explain the system thing to him later, if Tails wasn’t already planning on doing that themself.

“Whatever… I guess I should skim through it real quick to get it out of the way…” Knuckles surmised, giving Amy a glance of understanding through the window.

“Shit, he knows I’ve been watching-!” Amy suddenly exclaimed in her thoughts, which were picked up on by Big and Tsunami.

“He doesn’t seem mad, though…” Big pointed out.

“... I guess he doesn’t, huh?” Amy responded, feeling better.

“Perhaps we should go to his side to see what this letter says?” Tsunami suggested.

“Good idea, it’s never a bad thing to be prepared, right?” Amy remarked, getting up from the spot she had been sat upon. “Be right back.” She then said to all of those not in the hivemind.

Knuckles noticed Amy heading over to him and paused his reading of the letter, waiting for her to get close enough to view it with him, letting her take grasp at the paper once she had reached his side so that both of them could view it.

Dear Knuckles,

I write this note with a heavy heart, as I have the worst feeling about my fate as I make my return to the Black Arms’ base.

So, with my final moments, whether that be of sanity or of life, I’d like to get some things off my chest, and give you some much needed apologies.

I had known of Relic’s betrayal for some time now, long before you did. When I’d talk to Shadow back in their wishy-washy days, they’d often bring Relic - and her fascination with Eclipse and the Black Arms - up, even when she still would come along to our missions as if she was still with us.

I kept that from you, Knuckles, because I had realized what a mistake I had made in dragging you into this mess of ours. I wanted you to have thought you had won, while scaling back and making this a purely Team Dark mission once more. 

But that didn’t quite work out, did it?

I suppose this is goodbye, then. I wish you the best of luck, my old friend.

- Rouge L’Amour

A considerable feeling of a knot being formed in both Amy and Knuckles’ stomachs appeared as they read the letter, feeling uneasy, and unsure of what was the “correct” way to approach this issue. Though, regardless of not knowing the “correct” answer, they both certainly found an answer for each of their own selves rather quickly.

“Sounds like a her issue.” Knuckles said plainly, crumbling the letter up in his hands.

“But shouldn’t we do something regardless? She sounds unsure of her decision… Maybe there’s still time to stop her? We could invite her to the Freedom Fighters! She did help out a lot back when we were The Resistance!” Amy argued.

“She definitely did, but that was back then. Just like you’ve made the decision to stick by us and defend Aerth, she made the decision to defend the Black Arms back last week. Rouge can deal with the mess she made with that decision herself.” Knuckles argued back, throwing the letter in the trash. “Let’s not worry about her. It’s our time to have fun without those alien scum!”

Amy thought of arguing back once again, but she realized that he had a point. All this time that she had been wishing for a day of peace, a day of rest, and she was about to give that up for some grown adult who should be mature enough to sort her own shit out? Well, she shouldn’t. That’s what Knuckles was trying to get across, that's what Amy had now realized.

Soon enough, the big party dinner had come and gone, with many different flavorful foods to eat, of both the savory and sweet variety, and lots of talking to be had.

As Amy had one part expected and one part hoped, Tails explained the whole system situation around Nicky and Sonic to everyone else in attendance that hadn’t already known. There were many questions asked, and many of them answered by either Tails or Nicky, and in the end, everyone had come to a better understanding of their dear friend, or, friends, as it were.

One of the questions that was asked, more towards the end of the discussion, was why Nicky was the one fronting now in the first place, when it had been Sonic who had been the one out and about for so long. To this, Nicky explained that he had noticed how much harm Sonic was doing to the body and their relationships with everyone that was a part of the Freedom Fighters, so he had pulled xem aside to talk about it.

Sonic hadn’t always been a host, Nicky said, they used to simply be the primary protector of the Genesis Overdrive collective, fronting to fight Doctor Robotnik, and then letting Nicky have control over the body again once the battle had been won. That’s how it was back when they had lived in South Island, with their mother and siblings. But things began to change when they moved to Mobotropolis. Fights became more frequent, and so did the amount of time Sonic spent in the front. It came to the point where everyone had known the body as Sonic, so Sonic believed that playing into that, by being the one who was in the front the most, would be the easiest course of action for not having to out themselves as a system before they were ready.

But since Sonic was originally formed to protect, that mindset began to extend out to people they knew outside of the system, too. Sonic wished to protect everyone, though, of course, that didn’t always go as planned. Xe especially began to go overboard with it all after Shadow left G.U.N to rejoin the Black Arms. In the time Sonic had been the one out most often, they had formed a crush on Shadow, and had made it their mission to protect it from its own ties to the Black Arms. But Shadow hadn’t taken such advances very well, and while they never said it, it was clear they did not reciprocate Sonic’s feelings towards it.

Despite this, Sonic was the last Freedom Fighter Shadow had spoken to before its sudden leaving of G.U.N.. It had come with xem when they went to Starlight City to pick up their wisp Yacker from Doctor Ezrieal Clysdale’s clinic. Xe noticed that Shadow had stayed behind in the clinic, but in the moment, Sonic hadn’t thought anything of it. As time went by, however, and the news of Shadow’s resignation spread throughout the Freedom Fighters, Sonic began to put together what had truly happened that day, though it wasn’t until last week that xe finally had all the details.

In the end, Sonic felt sorry for treating Amy the way that they had, and hoped that one day, their relationship could recover. But Nicky understood that it would be a rocky road ahead, and the two mutually decided to let Nicky be the one in the front for a while.

As the discussion of the Genesis Overdrive had met its end, Tangle decided that it would be her that would reveal Big’s true identity. The announcement had seemed to come from nowhere, and shocked all who weren’t previously aware. Jewel and Whisper had even given her glares of judgment from how sudden the announcement was. But ultimately, after some questions and discussions, everyone was understanding, and thankful that Big had decided to stick by Aerth, even though it wasn’t where he had originally come from. Knuckles even had remarked that it was good to have someone on their side that’s familiar with the Black Arms’ tactics, since Amy had lived with mobians all her life, and Shadow had relapsed into the hivemind.

Eventually, the birthday cake was cut and eaten, and things began to settle down.

Tails and Rotor still had work to do on repairing the Sky Patrol, so they advised against anyone sleeping in there that night. With that being said, the Chaotix made it clear that they planned on bunkering with Knuckles on Angel Island that night, and most of the Freedom Fighters decided to join in on that idea. 

“It’ll be like we’re camping!” Nicky had remarked.

Amy, Big, and the Freedom Trainees, however, had instead opted to stay at Vanilla’s house for the night, liking the idea of having a sleepover together, and with Cream, and as the sunset turned to twilight, and twilight to night, the Freedom Trainees all went to sleep, one by one.

But even as the hours inched closer to midnight, Amy couldn’t do the same.

She just couldn’t go to sleep, no matter how much she tried.

[h0tch-r0cket]

Infatuation (18+) {a.h.} : chapter 5

summary: you needed a job. aaron hotchner needed a babysitter. the rest was inevitable.

word count: 5.5K

warnings: explicit language, drinking alcohol, smoking, building tension : )

table of contents

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

"Y/N?" Jack called out from the kitchen of the Hotchner home. You had picked him up from school, like always, and he was working on his homework as soon as possible.

"What's going on, Jack?" you asked as you placed your finger in between the pages of your copy of The Centaur which you brought with you to keep you occupied.

"I need help with my math," he said softly.

You put your bookmark in the novel and headed into where the little Hotchner was awaiting your help. You sat down across from him and glanced down at the papers that were sprawled out in front of him. "What do you need help with?"

"Well, Ms. Kingston showed us today how to add and subtract with three digit numbers like 100 and all that stuff. I get confused when you have to borrow from one of the other numbers when you subtract," he said as he tapped the pencil on the table, a habit you noticed Aaron did as well when he was working on his own work.

"Alright, let me take a look here," you said as you grabbed the paper from him.

After a few minutes of explaining the way you go about subtracting the numbers to Jack, he got it pretty quickly. "Thanks, Y/N!"

You ruffled his hair as you stood up from the table. "You got it. If you need me, I'm just going to be in the living room, okay?"

"Okay," he said as he moved on to the next parts of his worksheet.

You settled back onto the couch, bringing your knees up to your chest as you read the novel. You were just reaching one of your favorite parts, your attention glued to the pages in front of you. It was the part where George, the father of the story, had spent his very last dollar to bring home a sandwich for his wife even though he and his son were stranded for the night because their car broke down. There was something about the sentiment, the idea that he would give up his very last dollar, that always warmed your heart.

Just as you finished up the chapter you were on, the small pitter patter of feet coming into the living room interrupted you continuing on with your reading. You looked up from the book to see Jack coming towards you, taking hard steps as he walked.

He plopped down on the couch next to you and let out a low sigh. "What's the matter, kiddo?" you asked as you placed the book neatly on your lap.

"I want dad to come home already," he said quietly as he swung his legs against the side of the couch.

"I know you do, Jack. But hey, he should be here soon. Want to watch a movie in the meantime?" You weren't sure what else to do for him. It was the first time that Jack had ever expressed that sentiment to you.

He nodded his head lightly, not saying anything to actually answer your question verbally. "Alright. As long as you finished your homework," you told him. He simply nodded yet again, his face more somber than normal.

You tried to figure out why he had the sudden mood change from when you picked him up from the bus. You thought maybe he was just tired or perhaps he wasn't feeling good. You knew that most kids always wanted their parents around when they were sick.

As the different possibilities ran through your head as you looked for a movie that the two of you had yet to watch, Jack's small voice piped up from next to you. "Y/N?"

You turned your head to look at him to already be met with his gaze. "Yeah Jack?"

"Can I sit with you?" he asked softly.

You nodded your head and straightened yourself up more on the couch so he could sit on your lap. As he quickly scooted into your lap, your copy of The Centaur fell underneath the couch.

"Sorry Y/N. I'll pick it up," Jack said as he went to reach down and grab it. You pulled him back up towards you and let his back rest against your frontside.

"It's alright. I'll get it later. Pick out a movie to watch," you told him. You passed him the TV remote and let him scroll through the different family movies, hoping that he would find something to occupy his thoughts until Aaron got home from his lectures.

------

As much as he tried, Aaron Hotchner could not focus on the lecture that he was giving in his class. As he sat at his office desk at the university, he flipped through his notes which to anyone else other than him would not have made any sense at all with the way that the thoughts were not cohesive and the exhaustive amounts of abbreviations that littered the pages.

He planned the day's lecture to be about Orpheus and Eurydice, lovers tragically torn apart, but he couldn't gather his thoughts cohesively to provide his students with what he deemed to be the proper lesson.

His thoughts were foggy. Jarbled. He thought he would have shaken the thought of the way your hands touched the day prior. But it was all he found himself thinking about. He wasn't quite sure why. It was a simple accident.

A simple accident that made him want to rethink the way he had been so closed off with you. The way he was always curt. He craved more, despite the fact that he knew he shouldn't pursue anything with you.

He rubbed his temples, sighing in defeat. At that point, the lecture was going to be what it was going to be.

Aaron gathered all of his things in his satchel and headed down to the auditorium before his students filed in. He shed himself of his suit jacket, leaving him in a baby blue dress shirt and tan slacks. He organized his notes yet again and placed them in order on the podium that was in the center of the room.

His students filed in soon after, a chorus of Good afternoon, Professor Hotchner, How are you Professor Hotchner? coming from them.

Aaron gave everyone a few minutes to settle in before glancing at his watch for the time. He clapped his hands together once loudly to get the attention of the class. The side conversations slowly died down, only a few soft murmurs being heard through the crowd.

"Alright folks. Let's settle in. I know today is Friday and you all are eager to get out of here so I'll try to make this as quick and easy as possible," he said, projecting his voice so that everyone could hear him. "I'll run through attendance quickly and then we'll get started."

After taking attendance and marking the absentee students, Aaron grabbed the textbook for the class from out of his satchel. "If you all could open to page 265 that would be absolutely fantastic." Synchronous opening of textbooks and flipping of pages filled the auditorium as the students quickly followed Aaron's instructions.

He began to walk in front of the room, arms crossed over his chest as he glanced out into the sea of students. "Now, does anyone have any ideas as to what the story of Orpheus and Eurydice is about?" He looked into the crowd, being met with blank stares, eyes glazing over, and even a few students nodding their heads back as they fought the calling of sleep during class.

Not one student raised their hand. He caught the students glancing at one another, hoping that someone, anyone, would have the answer. But there was no such luck.

Part of him wondered if you knew the story. You probably would know the tale like the back of your hand, being that you seemed to be meticulous with whatever it was that you set your mind to. He was curious to see just how much you knew about mythology.

He decided that the next time he saw you, he would try to find out just that.

Focus, he thought to himself.

Clearing his head of you as much as possible, he rolled his sleeves up and walked to the whiteboard, uncapping the black Expo marker that laid next to it. "Orpheus," he said as the marker squeaked on the board as he wrote the name down, "is the son of Apollo and Calliope. Well, that is according to some accounts. Some people say that Orpheus had a different father," he clarified. Aaron turned his attention back to his students, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "Can anyone at least remind me as to who those two figures are in mythology? Apollo and Calliope?"

A hand rose in the middle of the auditorium slowly. "Yes?" he said, letting the student know that they could answer the question.

"Well, Apollo is considered to be the god of poetry and music. Calliope on the other hand, was one of the nine muses. She was the muse of history," the girl answered.

Aaron shook his head, placing his hands on his hips and he continued to pace back and forth in the front of the room. "Close. Calliope is actually the muse of poetry. Clio was the muse of history," he explained. "But I'm sure you knew that, right Ms. Sinclair?" he said with a small smirk on his face.

The girl nodded and scribbled down some more notes in her notebook, frantic to capture each and every word that Aaron uttered throughout the rest of the lecture.

Aaron took a brief pause and scanned through the crowd yet again. When he noticed one of his students clearly scrolling on his phone rather than focusing on the lecture, he debated about whether or not he should say something. But when the student started to show his phone around to those near him, he knew he would have to address the obvious distraction from the lecture.

"Mr. McMillan, if your phone is more important than listening to the rest of this lecture, which does cover a large part of your final, please be my guest and take the rest of the day for yourself," Aaron said as he raised his hand towards the door, suggesting that the boy leave the auditorium. He watched as the boy's face turned a shade of pink as he slipped the phone into his pocket. Aaron mouthed a small thank you to the student and continued with the lecture.

"As I was saying, with the help of Ms. Sinclair, Orpheus is the son of Apollo and Calliope. Eurydice," he said as he wrote the next name down on the board and drew a line connecting the two names together, "on the other hand was a beautiful Spartan princess. She married Orpheus. He played her beautiful songs on his lyre, which is just a smaller version of a harp. Orpheus was an exceptional musician. But that makes sense considering who his parents were."

He leaned back against his desk, partially sitting on top of it. He crossed his feet and rested his hands on each side of him on the desk to hold himself up. "However, tragedy struck the young couple. Eurydice was bit by a snake and died. Orpheus was heartbroken. So much so that he only played the most somber and melancholy songs on his lyre. "

Aaron paused for a moment, letting his students jot down their notes onto their paper. "But that didn't discourage Orpheus from fighting for his true love."

Aaron pushed himself off the desk and started to pace again, rubbing his thumb against his pointer finger as he walked. "He was not willing to give up so easily. So, he came up with a plan."

He walked over to the whiteboard again and wrote the word Underworld on the board. "Now, what are some things you know about the Underworld?"

"It's Hades' domain," a student called out.

Aaron drew an arrow from the word and wrote Hades underneath it. "And Hades is?"

"Zeus' brother," the same student replied.

"Very good. What else do we know about this Underworld, the realm where the souls of the departed end up in Greek mythology?" Aaron probed.

"River Styx!" another student called out enthusiastically.

"Mhm." He added another line to the diagram and turned to face the student that answered. "What about the River Styx?"

"I don't know. I just know it's there," the student laughed.

"Fair enough," Aaron said with a small smile. "We'll be covering that within the next few lessons so I won't worry about drilling it into your heads for the time being. One thing that I do want to mention is Cerberus, the three headed dog that guards the entrance of the Underworld. That will be important for the rest of the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice."

Aaron paused yet again, settling back onto the top of the desk but this time he was fully seated on it, his legs dangling off the side. "Now, Orpheus, being heartbroken at the loss of his wife, came up with a plan. He decided to travel to the Underworld to try to regain his love."

"That's crazy. Who would want to go to that place? I mean, I get it he loved the girl but is that even possible?" a student asked.

"It was a wild plan, I will give you that. But Orpheus succeeded. He traveled to the Underworld and managed to strike a deal with Hades after playing his music for him. The ruler of the Underworld was so moved that he granted Orpheus his wish to bring Eurydice back to the land of the living. Hell, the stories even say that Cerberus, the ferocious guardian of the entrance of the Underworld, was howling in despair of the pain Orpheus' music suggested."

A hand rose amongst the crowd. Aaron took his glasses off, gently biting down on the end of the arm of them. He raised his eyebrows at the student, allowing them to speak.

"There's no way that he got her back that easily. Greek mythology seems to, for the most part, at least stem from some kind of tragedy," the student said, clearly not believing that the tale would end happily ever after.

Aaron took his glasses out of his mouth and shook them in the direction of the student. "Excellent observation, Mr. Roth. That brings us to the next part of our tale. Hades gave Orpheus a stipulation; his wife would be brought back to the land of the living as long as Orpheus did not look back at her while they were still in the Underworld."

He hopped off his desk and hooked his glasses onto the collar of his shirt as he continued with the lecture. "Orpheus made the journey back to the light, but he turned around too soon, full of excitement to be reunited with his wife. She vanished before his eyes and he was heartbroken yet again."

"So the moral of the story is to be patient and have trust in the situations that you find yourself in?" a voice called out.

"Precisely," Aaron said, his voice soft. He glanced down at his watch. "I think that's enough for today. For the next class, think of a time in your life where this story applies. A time where you were impatient and lost something that you worked so desperately hard to get. Class dismissed."

The students filed out of the room quickly, allowing Aaron to follow behind them with his satchel tucked under his arm, the same fervor coursing through his veins to get home. He wanted to see Jack.

He wanted to see you.

————

"Oh! You sank my battleship!" you hollered dramatically as Jack managed to get another one of your ships clear off the board.

"Yes!" he shouted, throwing his fist up in success.

You were happy to see him going back to his normal, happy self. Whatever was bothering him earlier had managed to subside by the time you were done watching The Lion King.

The familiar car alarm chirped in the driveway, causing loyal Buster to run to the door in anticipation to see his owner.

You felt almost the same degree of excitement flowing through your body. It was the first time you were seeing Aaron since his touch was embedded into your head. You were wondering if things would be different. If he would be different.

As the front door opened, Jack ran over to his father and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. "Hey buddy," Aaron said with a small chuckle as he patted Jack's back.

"I missed you today," Jack said quietly as he looked up at his father.

"I miss you everyday," Aaron said with a smile. His gaze turned to you and he kept the smile plastered on his face. "How's it going, Y/N?"

"Pretty good. Jack just sunk my battleship...again," you joked, feigning annoyance.

Aaron's smile grew a bit wider, the dimples on his face making another appearance.

You couldn't help but smile at him. His smile was contagious and gorgeous. You felt like it was such a rare occasion that he smiled, even though he was smiling more often around you, that you always studied the way his face looked so you would never forget it.

Aaron headed into the kitchen with his things with Jack following close behind. You followed a few moments after, ready to gather your things and head home.

When you came into the kitchen, you saw Aaron place a hand on his hip as he looked down at Jack who held his hands together tightly in a pleading motion.

"Come on, Dad! It will be fun," Jack begged. He put on a big smile for his father, trying to convince him further to whatever idea he had planned.

"Alright, Jack. I wouldn't mind that. Ask her," Aaron said as he turned his attention towards you. You felt yourself get nervous, not sure as to what it was that Jack was about to ask you.

Jack took a step forward and planted himself in front of you as he looked up at you with big, puppy dog eyes. "Y/N, do you want to stay and have dinner with us?" Jack asked excitedly.

"Oh," you said with shock. Your stomach fluttered at the thought of actually staying and spending time with Aaron, even if Jack was still there. But the rational part of your head was yelling at you to leave. You already were thinking about Aaron too much and you were sure you would be even further doomed if you were subject to his charm and wit for the night. "Maybe another time, Jack. I think Esmé was planning on making a nice fancy dinner tonight."

"Please, Y/N," Jack pleaded. "Stay with us and eat." He held his hands firmly together again in a similar fashion to how he was begging his father to go along with the idea in the first place.

You clicked your tongue and scratched the back of your neck, unsure as to what other excuse you could come up with. "I don't want to intrude on the time you and your dad have together, buddy."

Aaron crossed his arms across his chest and you saw him raise his eyebrows for a quick second behind his glasses. "Stay, Y/N. I'm a pretty good cook," Aaron said with a smirk growing on his face.

You felt your stomach twist further into knots at the thought that one, Aaron wanted you to stay and two, that he was going to be cooking some sort of meal for you.

Aaron, on the other hand, felt desperate. He wanted—no, he needed you to stay. He wanted to learn everything there was about you. He wanted to know your passions, your fears. As his eyes searched yours, he saw the battle that was going on in your head as to whether or not you should stay or go.

He was hoping you couldn't see the way he crossed his fingers together subtly, a silent prayer that you would stay.

He didn't know what was coming over him. All he knew was that at that moment, he didn't want you to leave the house. He had tried to push you out of his head all day, but seeing you here at his house and your gorgeous smile, it was taking everything in his power to keep his composure as he felt himself succumbing to his desire to want to be close to you.

You weren't sure what it was but the way Aaron was staring at you, his eyes soft, it was as if he was subtly begging you to stay.

You knew you shouldn't. You already were feeling things that you never thought you would for the man. But a part of you was curious to try to figure out if he was feeling something similar.

"Alright, fine," you said defeated, throwing your hands up in the air. "I'll stay." Jack let out an excited yell before running back into the living room.

You could have sworn you saw Aaron exhale deeply once you came to your decision, as if he was relieved that you were actually staying. "But I'm telling you now Hotchner, if you're not as good a cook as you say you are, there will be hell to pay," you teased as you pointed your finger in his direction.

And to your surprise, Aaron laughed. He genuinely laughed. It was a sound that was pure music to your ears, something that you wished you could have turned back time to get it on a recording.

"I promise. I am a good cook," he said as he turned around and began to take out some different pots and pans.

You walked next to him and leaned up against the counter. "What exactly are you planning on making?"

He turned his gaze to you, a smug look growing on his face. "Well where's the fun in that? It's a surprise," he said quietly, leaning closer in your direction.

You caught a quick whiff of his cologne, the smell of cedar quickly filling your airspace. You bit down on your bottom lip, the closeness to him becoming almost too much to handle.

His warm honey eyes darted down to your lips and back up to your own eyes. He cleared his throat and stood back up straight, starting to pull some random ingredients out of the cabinet in front of him.

You shut your eyes for a second, disappointed by how quickly he stood away from you. "I'll be in the living room with Jack," you said. He nodded silently, making his rounds in the kitchen to cook.

As you made your way into the living room, you couldn't help but think about how close he was. You could have reached your hand out and stroked his cheek. You could have been putty melting in his hands.

Aaron watched you walk out of the kitchen, knowing that you wouldn't see his eyes raking across your body. Your perfume lingered in the space where you were in the kitchen, reminding Aaron just how close his face was to yours, how he could have pulled you by your cheeks to brush his lips against yours.

He wanted you. And he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold back.

———-

"Oh my god," you sighed in content as you took a bite of the food Aaron prepared. He made fettuccine alfredo with chicken. All from scratch.

His eyes shot towards you as he heard the sound of satisfaction fall on your lips. He raised an eyebrow at you, taking a bite of the chicken that rested on his plate. "So, did I live up to your expectations?"

"Mhm," was all you could muster as you took another bite of the pasta.

You watched as Jack twirled the pasta around his fork. He popped it into his mouth and gave his dad a thumbs up. "It tastes good, Dad. I could eat the whole pot!"

"That's an awful lot of pasta," you joked as you took a small sip of the chardonnay that Aaron had poured for the two of you. He insisted it made the meal but you were wondering if it had different indications than what he led on.

"Yeah it is but I could eat it," Jack said. Aaron rolled his eyes jokingly at his son's active imagination.

A few minutes passed and you all were eating in content. This time, there was a much more comfortable silence that fell between you all, something that you could easily get used to.

"So, Y/N, what made you pick up an interest in Greek mythology?" Aaron asked, clearly ripping off the bandaid he had been gripping to all day. He had to know. He wanted to know more about you.

"I took a class in high school, actually. And from there, I've done most of my learning on my own. I don't know," you laughed softly.

God your laugh. Aaron would never get over hearing it. He took a sip of his wine and glanced at you over the rim of the glass, watching you absentmindedly twirl your fork around in the pasta.

"I just find it interesting that there's so many stories that they came up with and they all have some sort of deeper meaning to them."

Aaron nodded in agreement, finding himself entranced with your words. You were right of course. There were so many things those stories explained, like the natural world or even as something simple to not be selfish.

"That's why I like them so much. The interpretation of them all varies and you can learn so much," he added.

"I like the ones with Jason and the Astronauts," Jack interrupted. Small laughs from you and Aaron filled the space between you at Jack's mispronunciation.

"Argonauts," you and Aaron said at the same time, correcting the young Hotchner.

Jack scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. "What's the word?" he asked.

"Argonauts," Aaron repeated.

"Astronauts is cooler," Jack concluded as he took another bite of his chicken. "Can I be excused?"

Aaron glanced at his plate and pointed his fork in the direction of his son's food. "Eat another bite of chicken and you can be."

Jack scarfed down the chicken quickly and left the table.

Realization hit you rather quickly.

It was just you and Aaron. A tinge of pink fell across your face at the fact that you were alone with Aaron.

You cleared your throat and shifted in your seat, sitting up straighter. "So, how did your lecture go today?" you asked.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders and kept his gaze on his plate. "Could have gone better, I suppose."

"What did you talk about?" You took another drink of your wine and this time, it was you glancing at him over the rim of the glass.

"Orpheus and Eurydice."

"That's a good one. Heartbreaking in the end but I like the story of it all," you admitted.

Of course you knew it. Aaron figured you would. He wished you could have been in his class. You clearly knew so much about the subject matter and he was becoming impressed the more you spoke.

"It's definitely one of the sadder ones," he agreed.

You placed your fork down on your napkin, full from the delicious dinner you just ate. "I think it's one of the best representations of agape in Greek mythology that there is," you added, running your finger along the rim of your wine glass.

Aaron felt his nerves go wild.

Agape?

How the hell did you know about that?

You certainly kept him on his toes.

"And you know about agape, the Greek word for the concept of self-sacrificing love. I have to say, Y/N, I really wasn't expecting you to be so well versed in the subject," he admitted. "But figures, a smart girl like you would go above and beyond to learn about whatever you set your mind to." He took another sip of his wine and his eyes were looking at you more intently.

You definitely felt your face blush at his words. You tried to keep your composure as best as possible, but how could you when he was being so fucking charming and looking at you the way he was?

"I am just full of surprises," you teased, making your voice almost a whisper.

You watched as Aaron licked his lips and raised his eyebrows. "You most certainly are," he agreed, his words coming out with an exhale. "Question for you though."

"Hm?"

"What makes you think that the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice is full of agape?" he challenged.

You took a moment to try to cohesively get your thoughts together. Well, as best you could with the way Aaron was looking at you.

"Well for starters, the man literally went to the Underworld to try to get his wife back. It was an unheard of feat. And the fact that Orpheus was willing to do whatever it took to get her back just shows how much he couldn't live without her. How much he loved her."

Aaron nodded slowly, finishing the rest of his wine. "You make a good point there," he said after he swallowed the chardonnay.

You nodded in agreement. You couldn't believe that you were engaging in such a deep conversation with Aaron. But it felt so natural. So right.

You glanced at the clock, seeing that it was almost 9pm. "I think I better get going," you said quietly. You pushed yourself away from the table and placed your dishes in the sink.

When you turned around to go grab your things, you bumped into a solid mass.

Aaron.

He grunted lightly at the contact, a flicker of his smile dancing across his lips.

"Sorry," you said quickly as he looked down at you. You stared at him for a second, as he did to you, before pulling yourself out of your trance and stepping around him to grab your belongings.

"Not a problem," he said as he placed his and Jack's dishes in the sink. "Let me walk you out." You nodded silently and watched as he grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the counter.

He patted the bottom of the carton against his palm before taking one of the cigarettes out, resting it between his lips as he walked with you towards the door.

He opened the door for you and you turned to say your goodbyes.

As much as you truly didn't want to.

"Thank you for dinner," you said with a smile.

"Don't worry about it," he assured as he leaned against the doorframe, the cigarette bouncing between his lips with each word.

"Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Aaron."

"You too, Y/N."

You headed to your car, settling into the driver's seat quickly, your brain still reeling from the events of the night.

You glanced back towards the Hotchner home and saw Aaron still leaning against the door frame, the faint orange glow of the lit cigarette piercing through the darkness of the sky.

You pulled away from the house and headed back home, watching as the Hotchner home disappeared from your rear view mirror.

Once you got home, you opened the door and pressed your back against it, still shocked with the overwhelming feelings that were still in your stomach, your head. Everywhere.

Esmé turned her head around towards you from the couch. When she saw your shocked and speechless expression, a shit-eating grin grew rapidly on her face. "Spill...the...details...now," she demanded as you sat down next to her on the couch.

As you were retelling the way you and Aaron had a few more moments that night, your phone dinged.

"Don't be a fool! Answer it!" Esmé hollered, smacking her hand gently on your leg.

Your heart fluttered when you saw the name of the person texting you.

                                                   Aaron Hotchner

-You left your book here. I found it under the couch when I was straightening up.

                                -Oh, I totally forgot about it! Sorry! I'll grab it on Monday.

-The Centaur, huh? You really are a bit of a nerd when it comes to mythology aren't you?

                                            -Maybe. But it's also just a good book in general.

-I'll have to give it a read then.

                    -I'm going to test you on it if you do read it, just so you're aware.

-I'll be counting on it.

-Goodnight, Y/N.

                                                                                            -Goodnight, Aaron.

You sighed loudly, trying to ignore Esmé who was staring at you with wide eyes. You clutched your phone tighter in your hand and turned to look at her.

"I'm in such deep shit," you admitted as you leaned back on the couch, resting your head on the headrest.

——

authors note:

i hope you all enjoyed this chapter! i also hope the lecture part wasn't too boring. i figured it was a good change of pace.

thanks for reading! i appreciate the support <3

see you next chapter!

-jordyn

[cozywine]

Title: My Type pt. 1

Summary: A fluffy piece based on a dream I had. F!Reader feels self conscious about her body size and he makes her feel better.

Pairing: SpencerxF!Reader

CW/TW: mention of general challenges with dieting and body image. No description of eating disorder though.

................................................................................

The case the team was currently on had been twisty turny in the worst way. They had been brought to Chicago after human remains had been found within 3 churches that were recently demolished. The remains were posed the same way and had been hidden in the same manner- beneath the baptismal font. They had been there over a week and were still trying to figure out who was responsible for the crimes. They'd had a suspect but it had led to nothing... Starting over was always the worst.

"Ok, let's go back to the beginning... What do we know about the victims?" Rossi instructed paternally.

"All females between the ages of 21 and 35." Y/N stated quickly. "No ties to the churches they were found within."

"All of them were college educated and single," added Emily. "And they were attractive... physically fit, well dressed and likeable types. Popular on Tinder and their other social medias."

Y/N always felt uncomfortable when profiling someone based off their physical traits... Bluntly put, she wasn't slim. In a profile, that would make her considered less sexually appealing for the majority of UnSubs. Statistically, it was a fact. Yet it always felt like there could be some subjectivity when her colleagues brought up the stature of those they worked to avenge.

All of her female colleagues were slimmer than her. She often found herself donning bulky sweaters in dark colors, hoping they would disguise the softness of her belly and the rolls on her back, just below her bra line. In magazines she'd read that she should emphasize her face and cleavage, as if that would distract anyone from the parts of her body she disliked.

Of course she was physically fit and capable of passing her field tests... She just didn't have the same body type as her colleagues. Where they were lean, she was voluptuous. Over-full. Despite lifelong diets and general misery around food, her body size remained a pain point until finally after working with a therapist, she discovered intuitive eating. Y/N now felt more connected to her body, appreciated it's cues for the type of fuel it needed, and generally struggled less around her eating habits. But the body image challenges... Those continued. Some days worse than others... And today was one of those.

She knew it wasn't necessarily intentional, but Derek never made flirtatious comments toward her. She sometimes sensed that Rossi put all of the vegetables closer to her end of the table. Hotch usually signed her up for desk work if it was an option. And Spencer, pipe cleaner that he was... Never gave her a second glance. They were all great friends, especially Y/N and the younger Doctor... Both intellectual, sensitive and intuitive, they got along famously. But Y/N knew it would never be more than that... Someone as beautiful as Spencer Reid would never give her the time of day.

"With no ties to the churches, being buried beneath the baptismal font could indicate our UnSub as someone looking to cleanse them of their sins of life." Y/N added, snapping out of her negative thoughts to focus on the case. "What would make someone want to do that?"

"If I'm the UnSub, these churches mean a lot to me.. So I'm religious. I would be repulsed by their lack of virtue... Yet possibly attracted to them. What would that make me do?" Morgan added. "I might feel that this is the only way to feel holy again."

"So we need to go back to the church... We already figured that this UnSub would need access to the facility but there must be someone we missed." Rossi said.

Rossi and Morgan went back to the church while the rest of the team worked with Garcia to pinpoint any specifics of who might be the culprit. Limited social media use by the UnSub made it tricky, but you eventually tracked down Joseph Knight. He was a current seminary student placed at one of the many Catholic churches in Chicago. In his mission work, he organized events for young professionals to volunteer as tutors for lower income students. As it turned out, all three victims had been to at least one tutoring session, each in a different neighborhood.

"So there's our connection, my furry friends. And wouldn't you bet the next event is tomorrow night?" Garcia said.

"If we send someone in who fits his type, we could draw him out..." Emily added. "What do you guys think?"

Y/N took a deep breath. "Yeah, I think it could work. You or JJ rock paper scissors for it. I'm going for a coffee refill... Anyone need anything?"

Y/N pushed away from the table, pushing up the sleeves of her navy blazer and wrapping the strap of her wallet around her wrist. She adjusted her jeans quickly, making sure they still sat at the narrowest part of her waist and ensured that her striped tee wasn't clinging anywhere. She felt a little flustered, her outfit not doing as much as she'd hoped to make her feel confident. The local coffeeshop around the corner had friendly baristas and a little positive human interaction would definitely improve her mood.

"I'll join you," Spencer said quickly. "If that's all right. I could use some fresh air."

They walked in silence to the coffeeshop in the brisk September air, Spencer holding the door for Y/N with a small smile. He did this for everyone, so Y/N paid it no mind. The shop smelled delicious, roasty and warm. They hopped in the short line, and Y/N perused the drink list. In their week there, she'd tried a few specialties but mostly stuck to plain coffee.

"Okay genius... Which has more caffeine, black coffee or an Americano?" She asked, trying to lighten the mood.

His eyes shone, excited for the opportunity to talk about something other than work.

"Contrary to popular belief," he explained, his hands moving as he spoke, "One 2 oz double espresso shot has about 80 milligrams of caffeine. Whereas a 12 oz brewed coffee has about 120 milligrams. So actually there is more caffeine in an average cup of drip coffee than in espresso. If you really want to go crazy you could get a red-eye, but I wonder if the post-caffeine crash is really the best idea for you today."

"What do you mean? I'm fine." She said. "Frustrated that I had to board Millie for a second week, but I know we're getting closer to solving this." Thinking of her sweet lab mix made her smile.

"Fair. I just mean, you seemed a little touchy when Emily suggested sending in someone as bait."

"Yeah, I don't know. They'll figure out who's the most attractive. It will probably work. It's good, for sure."

"The most attractive to that UnSub, you mean?" He tried to clarify, not totally sure why she sounded so down talking about it.

"Oh yeah, yeah... Of course." She shrugged. The line had dwindled. She smiled at the barista, who was wearing a hand drawn name tag. "Hi Jenny, how are you?... Great thanks. Can I please have a medium plain latte with an extra shot? Thank you so much. Spence, what's your order?"

He flushed, clearly feeling a little awkward. "Oh, a large pour over... The Guatemalan single origin, if you have it."

The barista nodded, and Y/N chuckled lightly at his very specific order. She paid, tipping Jenny generously, and they went to stand near the pickup counter.

"Single origin, huh? Getting fancy, Dr. Reid." Y/N teased. Her brief conversation with Jenny had brightened her day.

"Yeah, they tend to be more interesting than a blend so I like to try them when I can... Thank you for buying by the way... next one on me, ok?" She nodded in response, and he continued.

"Did you know that Guatemala is one of the top ten coffee producers in the world, producing more than 204,000 metric tons of coffee beans a year?" He looked delighted, a far cry from his usual down turned look when they were on a case. He looked... Great.

Y/N tried not to focus too much on the happy crinkles around his eyes or the way his large yet delicate hands gestured as he spoke. She knew he would never consider her equally lovely.

Their coffees came up quickly and they returned to the station ready to plan for the next days effort.

A/N stay tuned for part 2... Just thought this was getting a little lengthy!

[sometimesmybrainhurts]

Me

So I'm a bit fucked up, I have been for a while, I can't help it. Sometimes it goes, sometimes it stays. Just recently it's come back but a shit tonne stronger, it's so weird. I've been getting so angry so quickly to the point of just wanting to run away, I can't stay in my house for too long because it pisses me off. The other day, I've only been told this but, another voice came out of my mouth and my eyes were so much wider when I was talking, this was to my ex who will probably be spoken about at some point, 'I' told her that I wasn't ***** or *** anymore, 'I' was the protector because I'm done with all the shit. There was more but I can't remember.. all I remember is waking up in front of some flats with her sat in front of me when literally a couple of seconds ago she was next to me and I was crouched down.. so fuck knows.. my heads just been so shattered lately, all my thoughts have just been scattered everywhere.. I wanted to write this to try help but I'm sat here writing it asking myself what's the point, you need to sleep it's 1:38 and you start at 10:00.. but I'm not tired, I can't sleep. My minds always really busy, I think about running away to the fields and living how the hippies do, self sufficient, tired of living in brick cages in concrete mazes, I'm tired of having to work for things that used to be free, we made this world and all we are doing is fucking it up with the idea of money, power like wtf is that at the end of the day? I just really fucking hate people.. everyone is just so fucking aggy man..

Sometimes I just need to be in one of them moods to write how I feel, I'm tryna force myself to get into one of my moods where I just feel so connected and I know what I want but right now I ain't got a fucking clue, I'm laid here having casual suicidal thoughts because nothing ever seems to work out the way you want it to, laid here thinking about what a monster I've been in the past and wondering why she would ever forgive me, let alone wanna be with me again? Tryna forget out how she got over it all and how she's literally so happy and bubbly all the time.. and then on the other hand wonder how sshe is

I should probably point out the she and sshe are two different people same reference will be applied with her and hher.. she - her one person

sshe - hher one person. I don't want to speak about them too much in this part but I guess they are taking up some space about me so..

So things with her are so complicated but could be so easy, if sshe went home and wasn't still living at mine me and her could actually move on so easily. Problem is I tried, I tried get hher parents to come and get hher but sshe didn't wanna go, which my best mate then goes on to tell me that it's because I didn't say bye to hher sshe was ready to leave.. I dunno I find that utter bollocks tbh.. I know sshe has gone down the path so badly ATM, but family would help hher.. I really just wanna get my life back on track with her, we were amazing for so long and I really wish everything that happened didn't, but it made us who we are today and I fucking love her so much. It's crazy. I can't get over her eyes. Her smile. Any of it. Makes me feel so bubbly just thinking about it.

Just to clarify if anyone is reading, she is the girl I'm seeing but was with for two years and it ended really badly, like really bad. Sshe is my ex that I broke up with recently that I was with for 6 months, I ended things because my head was exploding all of the time and sshe wasn't there to support me but I was for hher when hher head exploded, I haven't been there recently and sshe's got really bad and I feel awful, but I can't be around to help hher for two reasons, 1. I don't want to be with hher, so if I'm around hher to help hher get better to then just leave again when sshe is for hher to fall again.. I don't think so.

2. I can't be around hher issues because my issues are very similar and they get triggered, I don't want to do that shit anymore. I have my scars and that's it. I just want to be happy again, I don't need triggers.

I keep getting scared of shit, like all of the time. I'm scared to see where things go with her because of how they went last time. I'm scared of hher losing it properly because nobody deserves that. I'm scared of Him taking control of me again. I'm scared of the voices that I hear sometimes, I'm scared of the whispers when I'm alone at night, I'm scared of the lack of money but the amount of debt, I'm scared of tower block flats, knives, tablets, doctors, family, friends, her. I hate how my skin crawls, how much weight of lost, idk I'm tired