#thought I did it the wrong way that'd just make the nightmares worse because obviously then it would definitely happen and it'd be my fault | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

running-in-the-dark · 8 months

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'fun' childhood memory time again:

when I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, my mother and I were out riding our bikes together (I think that was unusual in itself). we were outside our village where there were fields and nothing else. then the path in the direction we were going in was blocked by a 'private road' sign that said you weren't allowed to go that way.

my mother said we'll go anyway (which would absolutely be fine, everyone does that and no one would mind - which I know now). I said we can't because that's not allowed. she insisted we go anyway, and I broke down crying because I was so scared and horrified. I had no idea where we were exactly but I was so upset that I turned around and went home on my own when she refused to go another way.

that's still a funny story she likes to tell sometimes (about how I was such a little governess who wanted everyone to always follow her rules). because it's sooo normal for a small child to have a breakdown over that (I couldn't stop crying the rest of the day because it scared me so much). because if a child reacted that way in front of me I would not think 'oh you're so bossy, you always want to get your way', I would think 'this child is so anxious that she can't do something completely fine and normal because a fucking sign says it's not allowed'.

or the time she told me to go to the dentist with her instead of going to school and I cried for hours (I had to go with her, she said so. but that's not allowed and I will get in trouble and I will have to lie about it and lying makes you a bad person). or literally dozens of other examples like that. it's probably unfair but I really do resent my parents for never realising/caring that that is not normal, and getting me the help I clearly needed (because now I'm 32 and just figuring out that that's not how other people feel and getting help is hard and scary).

#like I really just thought. everyone always thinks about everything this way #and that they're just much better at hiding it #but apparently they're not!#and now I will do something fun and not let myself think about this anymore because that did not end well last time.#it fucking sucks that this topic is the hardest to think about. because how do I tackle any of this if just thinking about it makes me lose #my damn mind.#personal #(ugh. still thinking. like.. how could they not realise that it isn't normal for a 4/5 year old to have horrible nightmares about her #grandma's house exploding. every. night. and that it would be my fault. because we got those little doll thingies in kindergarten that we #were supposed to tell our worries to and then put them under our pillow. so I had to tell them that I was worried about that. but if I #thought I did it the wrong way that'd just make the nightmares worse because obviously then it would definitely happen and it'd be my fault #because I didn't do it right. like HOW could anyone think that's totally fine and normal if it doesn't go away ever???)

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