#it fucking sucks that this topic is the hardest to think about. because how do I tackle any of this if just thinking about it makes me lose

[running-in-the-dark]

'fun' childhood memory time again:

when I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, my mother and I were out riding our bikes together (I think that was unusual in itself). we were outside our village where there were fields and nothing else. then the path in the direction we were going in was blocked by a 'private road' sign that said you weren't allowed to go that way.

my mother said we'll go anyway (which would absolutely be fine, everyone does that and no one would mind - which I know now). I said we can't because that's not allowed. she insisted we go anyway, and I broke down crying because I was so scared and horrified. I had no idea where we were exactly but I was so upset that I turned around and went home on my own when she refused to go another way.

that's still a funny story she likes to tell sometimes (about how I was such a little governess who wanted everyone to always follow her rules). because it's sooo normal for a small child to have a breakdown over that (I couldn't stop crying the rest of the day because it scared me so much). because if a child reacted that way in front of me I would not think 'oh you're so bossy, you always want to get your way', I would think 'this child is so anxious that she can't do something completely fine and normal because a fucking sign says it's not allowed'.

or the time she told me to go to the dentist with her instead of going to school and I cried for hours (I had to go with her, she said so. but that's not allowed and I will get in trouble and I will have to lie about it and lying makes you a bad person). or literally dozens of other examples like that. it's probably unfair but I really do resent my parents for never realising/caring that that is not normal, and getting me the help I clearly needed (because now I'm 32 and just figuring out that that's not how other people feel and getting help is hard and scary).

[katszumi]

silence immersed the room as the door clicked shut behind you. the ticking clock a reminder of how little time you have.

“you’re such an asshole, you know that?” you spewed to the male in front of you, your features displaying a look of anger.

katsuki rolled his eyes. “well, it’s not like i get called a ray of fuckin’ sunshine. what else did you honestly expect?” he crossed his arms over his chest, taking a seat atop of the long metal table.

“not much, yet you still seem to subceed my expectations.”

“subceed? seriously?” katsuki paused to let a scoff escape his lips. “you’re upset because i’m actually selling this story? the only one, might i add. this was your shitty grand idea!”

unknowingly, you took a step forward.

“the idea was to make it known we disliked each other. not for you to publicly shame and insult me!”

you, katsuki and a few other heroes were invited to attend a press conference. while the original topic was to discuss about the mission you all completed the day before, the topic began to stray away and focus on the relationship between you and katsuki.

japan knows of the hatred you and katsuki shared between each other, that was no unknown fact. the media described you two as fiery rivals considering both of your quirks contained fuel.

you two despised each other. or at least that’s the lie you fooled everyone with.

you were unsure when katsuki started to look appealing to the eye, how attractive he was when he was drowned in sweat, how you began to long for the small but noticeable glances he sent you in public. you couldn’t tell when it happened. but before you knew it, a small pool of desire that had katsuki’s name printed on it began to fill every minute of the day.

“which is no different than what we used to do. you want them to believe it? then don’t take my shit. suck it up and be a bigger asshole than i already am.” he was right. you know he was right. but it was so difficult to pretend as if you hated him.

even if you called him a bitch, or a cunt, maybe even call him out for having a small dick—which you know is far from the truth—that still wouldn’t deny the peace you felt whenever you were with katsuki. how the world seemed to stop still on its axis. how there were no rain, wind or time. just pure bliss.

fuck.

out of everyone, it just had to be him? his captivating, intense ruby irises. his brash, abrasive demeanor. only his words that could seem to sway you. the man the world deemed you to abhor.

instead of admitting the truth, you twist his words. “well, i’m pleased to know it’s so easy for you to do.”

“jesus fuck, y/n.” now, katsuki rose from his position, never once breaking eye contact with you. “you think this is easy for me? you think i like getting up there and lying through my teeth? doing this is the one of the hardest things i’ve ever done.”

he walks closer and even closer to you, minimizing the distance you established for good reasons. this is how it always happens; one of you forgets about the space you two have to maintain until words don’t seem to work anymore. instead, your lips weave together, forming a new way to communicate.

but you don’t move. you don’t want to.

“is it? all those insults feels like it comes pretty smooth to you.”

katsuki pauses as he takes a second to analyze you. his eyes scan your body then leading right up to your face.

“because those are the words i wish i could mean. every time, it burns me to say those things about you when i’d rather be up there claiming every single part about you.” he lowered to a whisper, but his voice maintained a fervent tone.

his hand raises, slow and steady. he cups your cheek, gently swiping his thumb across your cheek. instinctively, you lean into his palm, your eyes softening as you gaze into his eyes.

“you think i enjoy this?” you watch his jaw tighten, his hand dropping to your hip. “think i like watching you talk with those eager men? it takes everything in me to not beat them shitless for daring to come across you. do you know how hard it is to fight the urge to pull you in and show them that you’re not available?”

too captivated by his words, you didn’t notice how katsuki lowered his head. you could feel the heat of his body from how he gave you no room to breathe. he placed his lips on your soft skin, slowly kissing the side of your neck.

no. resist him. your mind was screaming. this couldn’t go on forever. at some point, you guys had to stop.

“what will make them back off? if i mark you up? think they’ll understand then?” he proposed the question, but to you, it seemed more like he was asking for permission.

you didn’t know what effect katsuki placed on you to have you like this. but in this moment, you didn’t care about the rumors, the consequences, your image. it was all pushed back in the back of your head. so, you slightly tilted your head upwards, giving him more leeway to continue.

katsuki gripped your hips. not too strong to leave a mark but strong enough to squeeze a small moan out of you.

“don’t you fuckin’ understand, y/n?” he leans away to look in your eye.

“what?” you meekly responded.

“i go insane when it comes to you. i’m not the kind of guy that drools over any woman’s attention. but, you… fuck.” he stops himself, from what you can only assume was to control himself with whatever he was about to say. “not being able to have you only makes me crave you more.”

you stay quiet.

“you know how many times i’ve tried to resist you?”

“how many?” finally, you spoke.

“too many fuckin’ times. i’m done fighting it, y/n.”

confusion struck your face. “what do you mean?”

“be mine. forget the press, forget our pr managers. be with me.” katsuki brings you closer with the hand placed on your hip, the action drawing you to one conclusion.

he leans in and interlocks his lips with yours. immediately, you drown in the feeling of his soft but chapped lips that you couldn’t seem to push away. somehow, you find the strength to pull back from him.

“not here. not in pub-”

“yes here.”

with his tone, you could mistake him to be aggressive in this moment. but over the months, you managed to be able to read his eyes from the forbidden glances he’s sent your way; how he really felt through the way he wore his eyes.

katsuki’s eyebrows were slightly furrowed, his soft ruby eyes shifted from your lips to your e/c irises.

there was a look behind his eyes. there were more watchful, more tender than usual. almost as if he was pleading with his eyes. like he was begging.

so, how could you say no to him in this state? him being so vulnerable with you?

but that was always the problem.

you could never say no to katsuki bakugou, no matter what.

your arms wrap around his neck, drawing him in with your eyes. he inclined his head and laid his lips on your mouth. the silence that did wrap the room ten minutes ago was replaced with the noise of sloppy kisses, your mouths powering over each other.

you can feel your heart rate increase from the action, even more noticeably so when he entangles a fist in the back of your shirt. he needs you closer, maybe within his skin if possible.

following his action, you guide your fingers through his ash blonde strands, sending a shiver down his spine. he nibbles on the bottom of your lip, pulling it just slightly.

“we really shouldn’t be doing this.” your murmur, yet his ears catches it. “this would be the hottest topic for the media.”

a snicker parted his lips. “we just can’t be caught. but the day you stop being scared, i’m ready.” his words vague and simple, yet still holding so much promise.

“i hate you.”

and you did. you hated that he was too enticing. too irresistible.

“thought it was hard for you to say things you don’t mean?” he referred from earlier. of course, that was just like him. the same him you mistakenly fell for.

“just shut up.” was all you replied with before leaning back in to connect his lips with yours, choosing to help him with your statement.

this was supposed to be like a forbidden love trope but i think i just revealed how thirsty i am😔

[changisworld]

“Why do you make me feel like this, pretty?”

fuckboy!hyunjin x reader

Word count; 5,902

Summary: After hyunjin took your virginity, you grew attached despite trying your hardest not to. You find out he hooked up with someone the day after it happened which broke your heart, making you cry.. but of course, hyunjin caught you crying. He didn’t really know what he felt, it being new to him, as he tries to refuse the silly ideas popping into his brain, he can’t ignore how much you being upset is making his heart.. hurt?? Surely he doesn’t like you too..?

18+ ONLY, MDNI, SMUT UNDER THE CUT.

©ANY translation, copy & paste, posting of my work is strictly forbidden for ANY posts/ writing i post.

main masterlist here

part 3 here

**This can be read on its own despite it probably being confusing but i highly recommend reading part 1!**

SMUT WARNINGS: spit/drool, PIV, needy reader, pet names, shyish reader, rimming( f rec), oral ( f rec), fingering (f rec), finger sucking, unprotected sex, jealous jinnie, edging???,pull out method, literally 1 spank, slight dacryphilia, jealous jinnie, soft jinnie, kind jinnie, hyunjins a tease obvs, slight aftercare, wayyy fluffier ending than last time you're welcome!!

You & Hyunjin walk off campus, you still hiding your face from him, embarrassed at the tears now staining your cheeks, your face tinged red, you also don't fail to miss the looks you & Hyunjin are receiving from other students walking past the both of you, his arm still around you & you can't help but feel judged, so you push his arm off.

"Forget the cafe, I'm just gonna go home, I feel.. sick. I'll see you later Hyunjin." you murmur, still not looking at him in the eye.

"Y/n stop being weird, just cmon. I promise to cheer you up." He replies back, reaching out to cup your cheek but you move your head before murmuring a quick 'bye' before walking away from him hastily, leaving him standing there, confused & a bit annoyed.

He watches as you turn the corner & he huffs before kicking a stone nearby. 'Why do I care she's actually upset? 'What did I do wrong?' 'I hope she's okay' & 'Shit how can I apologise' are all thoughts that race through his head, no matter how much he tries to shake it all off, he genuinely feels guilty. But why? He never feels sorry for the girls he fucks n chucks, so what makes it different? He barely even knows you? He only spoke to you for a week which is barely anything. He sighs before pulling out his phone & going onto his contacts, about to call Joy, another one of his side things, before deciding against it, instead calling his friend Jisung& asking to meet him.

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Twenty minutes later Jisung meets him at the local dog walking park & they end up sitting on a bench, talking about random stuff before the topic of you comes up, but not because of Hyunjin.

“You’re lucky you got to partner up with y/n for that assignment, I got put with Changbin so obviously i fucking failed, tryna do that presentation on the spot was absolute torture, you still talk to her? she seems quiet as hell.” Han sighs, sipping his bubble tea through his straw & Hyunjin laughs.

“Ay! I actually helped her so shut up, just because you both have no more than eight brain cells, i’m just proof there is such a thing as looks & beauty. Nah, we haven’t really spoken since, just been busy i suppose & what the hell am i meant to say to her?” Hyunjin replies, a quick chuckle leaving his lips.

“What do you mean you’re proof that looks n beauty exist, y/n basically invented it you idiot. Wha'cha mean what are you meant to say to her? Did you fuck her too or something?" Han questions, leaning forward.

Hyunjin just kisses his teeth before nodding & Han just raises his eyebrows. "fuck, I didn't think someone like y/n would get around that way. Can you do me a favour n start speaking to her again n put in a good word about me I wanna approach her but she feels intimidating, you get me?" Once Hyunjin hears these words, a bad & gross feeling bubbles up in his stomach.. is what he feeling... jealousy?

"Uhh.. you're really not her type, she's not up for dating, she told me. Go try your luck with someone else." Hyunjin says in a bitter tone, not looking at the man in front of him & Han scoffs.

"You chat shit Hyunjin, stop gatekeeping! I'll just use my charms & trust me, we'll be fucking a week later n dating two weeks later." Jisung jokes, patting Hyunjins leg but he pushes it off.

"You're ridiculous Jisung, she won't want what's between your legs." Hyunjin spits out before standing up off the bench, stretching out & sighing. "I have things to do, you can keep day dreaming, I'll see you later. choke on your boba." Hyunjin jokes with Han & he spits out a bubble as a response before he walks away, leaving Han on the bench.

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He walks through the rest of the park, thinking about Hans words & he can't get over it. 'Why am I so jealous?' 'Who does he honestly think he is talking about y/n like that?' 'They wouldn't even look good together.' are things that keep racing through his head & he is getting more pissed off as the seconds go by.

He gets out of the park & he keeps walking on the pavement, not having an actual destination in mind.. until he seen you walking out of a random convenience store across the street & a lightbulb lights up behind his brown eyes.

He picks up the pace of his walk as he follows just far enough behind you on the other side of the road until you reach your apartment complex before entering & he can't help but feel like an absolute creep, but that doesn't stop him. He screenshots his location on find my Iphone, just so he won't forget where to go later on as he walks back the way he came, heading to the main line of shops near the campus.

He strolls around for around twenty minutes, looking at random little trinkets, bookmarks with the college logo on it, which he cringes at due to the look of it, before he keeps walking until he reaches a little florist shop.

He enters it, aimlessly walking around, fingertips grazing over a few roses & tulips, admiring the pretty colours as he sets his eyes on a bouquet of lillies. He picks it up, giving himself a better look at it before deciding he is happy with it, heading to the counter.

He places them down, not paying attention to the cashier as he looks at the little vases beside the register.

"Can I get this pink vase to- ohh, I didn't know you worked here Jennie, hiya." he says, surprised. "Sure. You know, Lisa doesn't like lillies, I suggest you get her daffodils, her favourite colour being yellow n all." she responds, smiling up at him. "Ah, they.. they're not for Lisa so I'll pass. Can you fill up the vase with a bit of water too? I think that's what you're supposed to do, right?" he says quickly, hand coming up to the back of his neck, the awkwardness filling the small space.

"mhmm. £29.11 is the total." She says in a cold voice, taking the tag off the vase as she turns around to the small sink, filling up the vase 1/3 of the way. She dumps the bouquet in the vase with no care at all before pushing it towards him, giving him the card machine. He pays, a strained, awkward smile on his face before saying thank you & leaving.

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After buying you a box of chocolates & a Vanilla bean smelling candle & following the path you walked on earlier, he ends up back outside your apartment complex.

He sits on the front steps, waiting for someone to leave the building so he can catch the door & once he is inside, he begins knocking on every door, talking to each person who answers in a quiet voice, Ignoring the confused looks of other students who recognise him who are all definitely wondering why he is knocking doors looking for you, making sure you wouldn't hear him & then refuse to open the door.

He reaches the fourth floor, mouth slightly dry from all the talking he has had to do & he is beginning to doubt his memory. He knocks on the third door & takes a step back, waiting for an answer as he hears footsteps & he can't help the smile that spreads across his face as you are the one who open the door.

"Surprise, & I'm not just talking about my pretty face. Can I come in?" he chirps as he raises his arms, making sure you see what he has brought despite it being almost all you can see, not missing the chance to give you an up & down look, you wearing black tight shorts & an oversized off the shoulder graphic shirt.

"Hyunjin, I told you I was sick.. How the hell do you know where I live?" you question, honestly just confused. "Does that matter? I asked a question, Don't leave me standing here I went to like twenty doors to find you!" he pouts. You roll your eyes & begin to shut the door but Hyunjin stops it with his foot.

"Okay okay okay! I followed you, but not in a creepy way I swear! I just wanted to.. apologise? But I knew you would ghost me If I text you." he says in a sulky voice. You groan before opening the door back open, his pretty face poking through the gap. "You are a creep, you know that? Why you apologising?" you question him, crossing your arms, not amused but slightly flattered despite not showing it.

"I'm not going to broadcast my deep, heart warming words in the corridor for everyone to hear, just let me inside, pleaseee." he pouts again & you just sigh before moving out of the way so he can enter, taking his shoes off as soon as they touch your laminate flooring.

You walk into your connected living room & kitchen before sitting on your corner kitchen counter, your legs swinging off it as Hyunjin follows behind you, looking around at the cute random decorations hung up on your walls & on the mantle pieces.

He places the flowers on your coffee table before walking back into your small kitchen & leaning on the opposite counter top, still holding the chocolates & candle.

"Okay, Can I give you my apology now? I rehearsed this to make sure I get everything right." He tries to joke but you just look at him with a blank expression before nodding, encouraging him to continue. "Okay, I didn't realise how much I've upset you & I'm sorry for not trying to check up on you sooner & stopped speaking to you. I partially didn't even mean to ghost you but I also genuinely thought you wouldn't speak to me anymore since you're always so concentrated on lessons & studying, I thought you would have thought I was getting in your way. I'm also sorry for fucking with that girl & you overheard it, if I'm genuinely being honest, I did it to try wipe my mind of you. I know what we did is a huge thing & it was wrong of me to have acted the way I did, if i'm being honest, this was the first time I did what we did so I just didn't really know how to act, but I'm genuinely sorry y/n. Chocolates?"

He blurts out, not taking his eyes off you as he feels his cheeks go hot, the nerves & also the way you're looking at him making him flustered. You both sit in silence for a minute, him waiting for a response & you thinking of a response.

"Gimme the box & light the candle for me, second drawer to your right n you will find a lighter. If you felt like this all week, You've still had seven days to come n tell me this but instead you've let me feel like shit for a week, this was the exact reason I was unsure to do it with you Hyunjin, in fear something like this would have happened & instead of just growing a pair & talking to me, you fuck someone else to just try forget?" You reply, your voice getting a bit shaky without meaning it, the feelings of it all hitting you again.

Hyunjin listens as he digs into his pocket & pulling out his own lighter & lighting it before putting it on the counter & he walks the few steps over to you, handing you the chocolate before standing right in front of you, leaning his hands on the counter on the outside of your legs, caging you in.

"Please y/n, don't think like that. I know I should have swallowed my pride n apologised earlier, I was just trying to convince myself I didn't give a fuck but I do, hence why I'm here. I honestly think you used those crystals & manifested this or something." he mumbles the last part, looking away from you, his ears going red after hearing his words out loud & your legs stop swinging as you pause at his words.

"What do you mean you actually give a fuck? What are you trying to say." you reply back, resisting the urge to reach out & stroke his hair. Hyunjin sighs & shakes his head. "Don't make me spit it out y/n, It's just gonna sound like a lie to you." You get an anxious feeling in your belly before taking his chin & guiding him to look back up at you. "Hyunjin, just say it, it's only me here anyway. Just say what you gotta say." you respond in a quiet but firm voice, honestly scared.

He doesn't have much option but to look at you as he lets himself melt into your hand lightly before taking a deep breath. "I.. care about you? I don't know, it feels weird but like... I genuinely felt like shit after how I treated you n i've tried to bury it but it just won't leave, I don't really know what it is about you n honestly it scares me." he says in a quiet, quick tone & your jaw drops.

You just freeze as you both just look at each other in complete silence not including the quiet crackling of the candle & your living room clock ticking. Hyunjin can't bare the awkwardness anymore as he gets shy for the first time in years, moving his arms to stand completely upright but you pull him in by the shirt to hug him, tears threatening to leave your eyes as his arms wrap around you in return.

"This better not be some sort of sick joke Hyunjin or i swear I'll kill you, you're gonna boost my ego to a fraction of what yours is." you half laugh as he nuzzles his face into your neck, inhaling your sweet smell. "It's not, dead serious. You're just different n I don't know how to feel about it, stop casting spells to make me attached to you. I've been itching to ask to see you all week, I wish I wasn't being so stubborn." he muffles into your neck, moving his head side to side slightly, his nose tickling your neck, making you lean more into him, chuckling at his stupid joke.

"Stop with the silly magic jokes, you're ridiculous. I want to say you're not forgiven since you need to prove to me you're not talking out your ass but I do accept your indeed heart warming apology & I appreciate it just more than the flowers n chocolate." you say in a soft voice & you feel Hyunjin smile against your neck before he moves & kisses the tip of your nose, smiling like a Cheshire cat.

"That's what I wanted to hear, I wouldn't be able to handle it if you had told me to fuck off, my first ever rejection coming from the first person I've ever bought a present for that isn't my mom." You chuckle at this before hopping off the counter, grabbing the box of chocolates that were staring at you.

"Rejection? You tryna say you like meee?" you tease, taking his hands before swaying them back & forth & he rolls his eyes, chuckling. "Was it not kinda obvious? I wanted to say it without directly saying it in case I embarrassed myself but... yeahhh I have a tiny crush, I think you made us soul tied or something." you just 'tut' at his remark but your face goes bright red at his confession, cheeks hurting from how much you're smiling.

"I'm touched. Got thee famous playboy hwang Hyunjin to like like me, not sure if it's a surprise but I like you too." You kiss his cheek before leading him to the couch as you sit on it, him flopping next to you. "Enough of the soppy talk for now or I'll get embarrassed, you can choose a movie while I get us a blanket." He just nods & you hand him the box of chocolates & he begins opening them as you scurry to your room to get your favourite fluffy blankets.

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You both end up watching a recommended Netflix romcom suggestion, both of you devouring your chocolates but you pay no mind to it.

Some point throughout, your legs end up swung over his as your head lays against his shoulder, him stroking your hair with one hand as the other hand caresses your thigh.

Every few minutes or so, you focus less on the movie & more on his touch as his hand slowly rises up your leg, then your thigh & his hand is now grazing against your inner thigh over your tight shorts, giving you goosebumps, which he doesn't miss.

This continues up until Hyunjin repositions himself, pushing your legs off him so he can lay down over your thighs, his view now sideways of the TV, not that he cares, not paying the slightest bit of attention anyway as you momentarily tense up beneath him.

You continue stroking his hair, sometimes digging your fingers into his scalp a bit to scratch it, making him let out a satisfied hum. You can't help but keep looking down at the beautiful man laying on you & you can't help but smile to yourself.

As if he can feel your eyes burning into his skull, he moves the blanket down your legs enough to expose your legs enough for him to begin planting little pecks on them, slightly tickilish but you don't miss the wetness now pooling under your shorts. "Stop teasing Hyune." you speak up, your voice quiet & he just chuckles.

"If you don't want me to tease, I won't complain if you lay back." he replies, not bothering to look up at you as his hand reaches to squeeze your thigh softly as he keeps giving your legs kisses, suckling at them slightly,

You think about what he says & you would be stupid to deny the chance, your pussy clenching around nothing. You lightly push his head up off you & he takes the hint, moving & you push the side of his arm, towards the edge of the couch & he looks at you slightly confused but does what he thinks you're hinting at, getting onto the floor right in front of you, looking up at you with his pretty eyes.

You give him a shy smile before you take it upon yourself to wriggle your shorts & underwear off, leaving your bottom half completely nude, biting your lip in anticipation.

"You really got this desperate since last time I saw you?" he teases & you put your hand in front of your cunt, covering it with how shy you've just started feeling but he is quick to pull it back off, looking at the small shimmer on your middle finger before licking it off in one go.

"Don't be shy, gorgeous. I've been just as desperate if not more, can I get a taste?" he says in a sweet voice, not looking away from you, stars in his eyes. "Please.. If you want to." you respond, hiding your face in your hands but he reaches up & swats your hands away yet again as his other hand begins to slowly drag through your folds, making your hips buck.

"Stop hiding, where's your confidence gone hmm? Do I make you that nervous? trust me, there's nothing I want more." he leans in & kisses right next to your lip before smirking at you & sinking back down onto the floor, blowing cold air onto your now soaking cunt, making your legs tense up & he tongues his cheek as he watches your face twitch.

He spreads your folds open, getting a better view of your hole, clenching around nothing before he licks a long, slow strip from your hole to the top of your clit, letting out a low groan in the process. "Taste better than anything y/n, I fucking swear." he says as he looks up at you for a split second. "eyes on me, if you look away I'll stop." he voices before digging in.

You do as he says & make eye contact with him as his mouth latches onto your cunt as he begins letting spit roll off his tongue, mixing with your juices just before slurping it back up, not afraid to make as much noise as the mixes of juices allow.

You weave your hand in his hair & play with his hair & scratch his scalp for him as he suctions his tongue onto your swollen button, both of you groaning at the same time.

"Hyune, so good" you whimper out, your breath shaky as your eyes struggle to stay open & you feel Hyunjin smile against you. He brings his fingers up to your clit before rubbing it in a steady rhythm as he lets go of before his tongue find its way into your opening before beginning to tongue fuck you & you throw your head back, your moans now louder than the TV still playing behind the both of you, your legs now closing around his head, not that he pays attention to that anyway, if anything he is enjoying it.

You begin to clench around his tongue which he remembers is your tell tail sign you're about to orgasm, your moans getting higher pitched & your grip on his hair getting tighter & he chooses to worm his tongue out of your hole before pinching your clit between his two fingers & dropping a glob of spit to it before giving it one more lick, smirking.

"I wanna try something I think you might like, turn over so you're facing your back to me, hunny." You huff at the beginning of a future orgasm beginning to appear suddenly bubbling away but you do as he says, slightly confused.

You get up on your knees & rest your elbows on the back of the couch, you now looking at the wall behind you. "Why am I fac-" you're cut off as Hyunjin spreads your cheeks & begins fondling them as he begins suckling on your pussy from behind, letting out a satisfied hum behind you as you begin kneading the couch until your fingers begin to ache, biting your lip to try hold back moans.

"G-gonna cum Hyunjin, keep g-going." you whimper, pushing yourself into his face, seeking even more from him if it's even possible & he gives you a quick slap on your ass as he removes himself from your cunt again, much to his own displeasure.

"Don't bite your lip y/nnie, I wanna hear you fully, Mkay?" he speaks from behind you as you yelp at the impact & he hums as he keeps kneading your ass, giving it a few kisses. "Your ass is to die for, you know that? Gonna taste it." Before you can even process what he says, your mind too full of lust to understand, he is letting a glob of spit fall past his lips & it landing right on your tightest hole.

You try jerk your hips away from him but he is quicker & pulls you back to him, keeping a tighter grip on your ass, keeping it spread as his tongue begins to graze over your pretty pucker, his eyes scrunching together as he smiles against you, tongue now drawing patterns on it as he lets go of one of your ass cheeks, going down to your leaking cunt again before entering two fingers, instantly finding the same G-spot that made you orgasm only a week or so ago.

Your hips buck at the new sensation & you let out a long mewl, letting your face fall onto the back of the couch as your knuckles turn white from how hard you're clenching on it.

Your pretty hole is clenching & pulsating on his tongue as he lets out a deep growl at your taste, so different compared to your cunt but still enjoyable, you're moans getting to an even higher pitch as his tongue enter inside you, swirling around as much as the tight ring will allow.

"Hyun- please l-let me cum, s-so- fuck!" you basically scream out, not even being able to find the strength to lift your head up to look at the man behind you as your pussy & ass clench around his fingers & tongue but right before you cum, Hyunjin pulls completely away, again & your legs shake from the painful pleasure of yet another stolen orgasm.

Hyunjin leans over so his clothed chest is touching your back & he tilts your head so he can see your pretty face & he sees your now tear soaked cheeks & your pretty, glossy eyes.

"Awww, pretty girl couldn't contain their tears, could you? I promise you can cum now, I don't have a condom on me though beautiful so do you just want my fingers hmm? or my tongue?" he questions as he strokes your now damp hair out of your face, pouting at you.

"J-just fuck me Hyune, j-just pull out." you whiimper back to him, your breath so unstable it's difficult to even push the words out. Hyunjin opens his mouth to re ask you, just to make sure he is hearing things right but you wiggle your naked ass against him & he bucks his hips before just nodding before kissing your shoulder & then shimmying his pants & underwear down, freeing his pretty cock.

He spits onto his cock, pumping it into his hand a few times, letting out a hushed groan before he aligns his tip with your pussy, rubbing himself against it a few times to coat his tip in your juices before prodding his tip against your hole, before pushing just the tip inside.

"I'm still gonna be gentle, it's only your second time, tell me if this position is uncomfortable." he speaks behind you & as you mumble out an 'okay' while your face now being mushed against the cushion again, he pushes his hips forward very slowly until he buries himself to the hilt, you both letting out a moan in unison.

He stills inside you, trying to not cum instantly from how hot your walls feel without the restriction of the condom he wore last time, his hands coming to rest on your hips as he waits for your signal to continue.

Your breath staggers as he pushes forward, the stretch being a bit painful but no way near as painful as last time & after a minute or so, you push yourself on his cock experimentally, making you both hiss.

"You- please move, mak-make me cum Hyune, p-please." you elongate the last word, turning your head to the side so he can actually hear you. He takes a deep breath & pulls out half way before pushing back in, the both of you letting out a whine as his balls slap against your clit, making it even more intense for you.

Hyunjin sets a steady rhythm, lightly using the tips of his finger nails to add sensation to your back, tickling it but also feeling nice as you know it will leave those pretty little red marks later on. Both of your moans & whines fill the small apartment, not even thinking about how your neighbours can one hundred percent hear you.

"Y/n yo-you're too tight, s-so warm." he breathes out, lifting his leg & standing it on the couch for a better angle as he keeps rutting into you, leaning over your back again to kiss your cheek, your moans going straight into his ears.

"To- so big hy-hyune, pleas-e lemme c-cum." you whimper, your eyes scrunching closed, the ends of Hyunjins hair tickling your face as he begins to nibble on your earlobe, your cunt clenching impossibly tight around his cock, almost suffocating it.

"c-cum with me baby, h-hold on for me." he groan back as he tilts his neck into an uncomfortable position just so he can kiss your lips. His tongue instantly enters your mouth & you suckle on it, tasting the remaining taste of your juices from what he hasn't already repeatedly swallowed, making you moan in content.

Hyunjin speeds up his pace slightly & your G-spot loves this, making your legs almost give out on the spot as your brain turns into mush. "I-in my s-stomach Hyun-deep." you babble out against his lips, barely even knowing your own name at this point.

As Hyunjin stands back upright after giving your shoulder a few pecks, his phone begins to ring. Your eyes spot his phone on the other end of the couch, where he was sitting earlier but he reaches over & declines it before shutting his phone completely off, throwing it to the side, his pace not slowing once.

You don't bother questioning it, instead focusing on the noises of your slick & his balls connecting together mixed with the sweat of the both of you, sloppy clapping noises of your skin connecting filling the room, your legs begin to give out as Hyunjin worms his fingers down to your clit yet again before rubbing it frantically.

"In your s-stomach hmm? You can cum for me angel, n-not gonna last, too w-wet n tight." he squabbles, breathing frantically & this i all you need to hear as your entire body tenses up as finally, your orgasm hits you like a brick wall & you let out a squeal & Hyunjin has to grip onto your hips as his life depend on it in order for you to not flop & slip off the couch.

Your noises & the way your pussy flutters around him is just too much for him to handle & as much as he doesn't want to, he pulls himself out of your wet, hot walls as his cum spurts down your ass & back, throwing his head back as his cock quite literally pulsates as his balls empty, a high pitched whimper leaving his lips, breathing staggered.

He comes back to his body quicker than you do & he helps reposition you so you're fully laying on the couch, trying to make sure his cum doesn't get onto any other surface.

He grabs his underwear & wipes the cum off your back in a comfortable silence, slightly twitching as he wipes it off. He leans over your back again before kissing your earlobe. "Did so well, so proud of you, still so pretty for me despite being sticky with sweat." you both weakly laugh as you turn onto your back before using the ounce of strength you have left to pull on his wrist.

"cuddle." is all you say as you pull on him until he lays on top of you, half his weight dangling off the arm of the couch as he lays his head on your chest, listening to your still racing heartbeat & he can't help but feel secure.

⭑･ﾟﾟ･:༅｡.｡༅:ﾟ::✼✿　　✿✼:ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

You both sit like this for a while, talking to one another about what you both spoke about in a bit more detail & also just talk to each other about things you don't know about one another, things like family pets, favourite colours, favourite brands etc.

Hyunjin ends up powering his phone back on & you are both just scrolling through his for you page, when you remember his phone ringing. "Quick question hyune, who was it that called you? If it was important you coulda stopped to answer." you ask him, not lifting your eyes from the video playing on his phone screen, not really thinking too much of it.

"Don't stress it, it was just someone I'm not gonna be speaking to anymore." he replies in s tired voice, still scrolling. His reply slightly confusing you. "Who? I don't mean to be nosey or anything but now i'm curious." you respond back, your fingers in his hair now pausing.

Without saying anything, he switches apps, onto his call log & it's Lisas name at the top.. nineteen missed calls. He just sighs as he presses on the 'more' option before deleting her number & deleting the Imessage conversation without even bothering to read her spam of texts, yelling, crying & cussing him out before switching apps back onto tiktok without saying a word & you just blush, your hands cupping his cheeks from above, your thumbs just below his eyes.

"You're cute." you say as you squeeze them playfully & he just 'tut's but still, he melts himself into your touch.

I'm not completely sure if I want to leave this story as a two parter orrrrrr do a third n final part but to everyone wanting a happier ending here you all are!

Tags: @troublemaker02 @ismokeeweed @lmhcats @isagerada @tsunderelino

[ressonancee]

TRACK N02. KAMIKAZE - CHOI SEUNGCHEOL

I love the beginnin', the moonlight is callin' I know we'll go up, but we'll end up freefallin' You mind if I need to come kamikaze, crash into your way?

✷ wordcount: 7.734 ✷ genre: angst, break-up, smut

✷ This work is a part of "The Loviest Time Universe" - A collection of stories inspired by Carly Rae Jepsen's album

✷ Thea's note: hi everyone this is finally out - the first installment of the loveliest time, hehe. But first let me say a few thank yous. To @ssinboo for giving this a read since the first draft and enduring my thoughts on Discord 24/7. A thank you to @dalamjisung for reading this when i thought this was too sad and nobody would read this. And a special thanks to @toruro mika you are the kindest, thank you for reassuring me when I thought this sucked and was too depressing <3 , and for beta-reading ♥ I hope you all enjoy this (even if it hurts) also seungcheol-enjoyers i am very very sorry. Kkuma 2nd appearance.

I saw you in the deep end A shipwreck underwater And I know I shouldn't want that

Loving Seungcheol was not an easy task, and you learned it in the hardest way possible. 

Loving Seungcheol seemed easy. He crashed into your life - loudly, fast. Often, you thought about it like a car crash in a movie scene - the part when everything gets upside down, and even the glass pieces flying around look kinda magical.

But you guess, after a while, the movie scene was just a little bit too loud and possibly a security hazard for everyone involved. 

A part of you really wanted to give your all, to sacrifice, to just give a little bit more of yourself to make it work, but lately, you have been so fucking tired and so alone that you don’t even have the strength to try anymore.

You loved everything about Seungcheol, you loved his laugh, you loved the way that Seungcheol made everyone feel cared for, you loved how he treated you and you loved how he loved you, and knowing all that made everything worse.

But Seungcheol had that power - he made sure to make you fall in love all over again every time he had a chance. And everything would be okay after a few hours in the same space as him, you would feel loved, he would smile, he would embrace you and everything would just feel right.

The problem was that lately, Seungcheol didn't have the time to make you fall in love with him.

If you thought about it, you couldn't even pinpoint the last time you saw Seungcheol. You know he dropped by before going overseas for his tour - four months long tour, for a quick fuck but before that you can't really remember because he was already busy with a comeback and rehearsal. 

And you tried your best to keep it cool, and you tried your best to deal with it on your own - Seungcheol was a constant topic in your therapy, and you tried to understand - of course his life is more glamorous than yours, of course he has the chance to go to all those beautiful places you can only see in pictures, of course it was work.

And you tried to bite your tongue and think how much of his life he had to give up in order to be where he is now. And it is his dream, his youth, his life really - so you can't make Seungcheol choose.

You know all that. 

And you try to use your brain instead of your heart. But when Seungcheol is in the same country as you, in the same time zone, and still has a problem reaching up, it still has a problem finding more than a 30-minute time slot, you know what you need to do.

You need to let him go.

It is a Monday when Cheol arrives on your doorstep, you let him in and everything seems so normal - the majority of times you two hang out was in your house, not a lot of dating outside, not a lot of going out with your boyfriend enjoying the city. 

You tried to brush it off and pretend you didn't care Seungcheol didn't have a normal life, so you two could have brunch on a sunday or a stroll in the nearest mall. 

"Hey baby I was thinking of ordering from that chinese restaurant god I am craving the food," Seungcheol says, crashing on your sofa like it is his own house, and it settles on you that it is almost like his second house, a hideaway, every time he had a problem he would just crash on your place. He had the keys, why didn't he open the door? Why were you always doing the job? Letting him in, let him crash into your life? Why couldn't you crash into his and set things on fire? "Baby? Are you listening?" Seungcheol calls, but you know he doesn't really care because his eyes are glued to his phone.

"Cheol I need your attention for a minute," you say, looking at him, trying your best to keep it straight, to not fall on the ground and cry.

"Okay okay just let me answer a few more texts. We are scheduling the next varieties right now so everything is a bit crazy," your boyfriend says, still not paying attention. And you ask yourself - has it always been like that? 

Did Seungcheol always come into your life, create havoc, crush everything on his point of view, take everything he could get his hands on and everything you could give him to not give five minutes of his time in return? 

"Seungcheol I really need you to put your phone down," you say again and you are so pathetic that you feel the tears rolling down your cheeks, your voice cracking up - and that's what calls Seungcheol's attention, eyes big on surprise.

"Love, are you okay? What happened?" he asks and now that you have his attention, his phone is screen down on your sofa, his eyes on you, you feel all certainty leaving your body because you miss him so much and he looks so tired your heart almost breaks because you feel like to Seungcheol you are just another thing he needs to take care of, to handle, to adjust in his crazy hours.

You feel like you are a plate spinning in the little stick, and you are about to fall down because Seungcheol forgot that he needs to spin you around.

"I'm really sorry, I-" you hiccup, and god you feel so fucking silly. 

"Baby what is going on?" Seungcheol's voice is low when he tries to wrap his arms around you, scared when you don't let him do it. "Baby you are worrying me," he says again when he watches you take steps away from him.

"You don't need to worry, everything is fine."

"Clearly everything is not fine, I am back after ages, and my girlfriend is crying in the living room," he says god you wish you could get angry and pick a fight with Seungcheol but you feel so tired, you feel so exhausted.

"I-" you try to start, but you feel your legs buckle and your heartbreak. "I think we should break up."

"What?" Seungcheol because that is the only thing he can say. Seungcheol feels like he is inside a car crash like he is the one getting upside down. He feels so blindsided by your decision, did... Did you find someone when he was away, or did you just fall out of love?

"I think we should break up," you say it again, more to yourself than to him, like you are making up your own mind.

"Can-" Seungcheol paces around, he actually feels his throat close and his tongue feels like sandpaper around the roof of his mouth, he can't even bring himself to actually look at you. But he finally does, seeing you sitting on the floor, back against a wall, hands holding your own hand, elbows on your knee, and you just feel so different. Seungcheol can't actually pinpoint what seems different, but you are, and you look so tired, what the fuck happened, how could he not see this coming? "Can I ask why?"

And you scoff, Seungcheol can see your whole body moving. Everything is so clear to you and so hazed to Seungcheol is like you two are in different directions speaking through a tin can telephone.

"I don't think this is working for me I-" you try to start, trying to dry your tears with the sleeve of your shirt.

"Did you find someone else?" Seungcheol blurts out.

"What?" You ask in actual disbelief, did he-

"Are you in love with someone else?" He says it again and you can wrap your mind around it, what he wants to mean with those silly accusations.

"Thats-"

"That's ok, I can take it, you can be honest with me," Seungcheol says again, trying to brace himself for the impact, preparing himself to hear the eyes falling out of your lips.

"You know what's funny?" You say without a hint of humor in your voice, "You actually prefer that wouldn't you? You would actually prefer the idea of being cheated on, of me being guilty of falling in love with someone else than to acknowledge that may be-" you hiccup, and try to breathe even though you can't do it through your nose, "that may be I am ending things with you because i can't deal with the shit show that is your life anymore, that I can't take being a second option anymore because your life is so fucking good that only someone crazy wouldn't want to share it with you." You pick yourself up, and you feel so angry, you feel so disrespected. You look at him, and god, even though you love him you know Seungcheol can't give you what you want, he can't give you coffee dates, he can't give you holidays, he can't give you the certainty of Valentine's days and birthdays. And even though you love him, even though you gave everything you could, even though you spent months and months on videocalls or just texts, even though you felt so fucking happy when he was by your side even though it meant a delivery and a night in, he is implying that you could cheat on him, like you could find someone like you are not broken enough to think that you could never love someone again like you love him. "Guess what Cheol, you don't share anything. You just take and take until the person doesn't have any more to give you"

And he stays silent like he doesn't have anything to say. Like he is trying to understand the situation, those hazy moments after the crash when you try to make yourself come back to reality.

"I am sorry I am really tired if you could-" you start, walking to your door.

"Do you-" Seungcheol starts and when he looks at you can see the tears around his eyes and you want to take everything back, you want to say you are sorry, you want to say it was just you're feeling lonely but now he is back, now everything is okay, you can deal with going to every working related dinner or party alone and lie when people ask why your boyfriend never comes. "Do you think I could do something different?"

"No," you say voice small, looking everywhere just so you can avoid Cheol's eyes. "I really love you, I love you so fucking much, I just can't deal with your life, I just can't deal with the loneliness that comes when you go MIA between shows because you are tired, I just can't deal with whole weeks gone just because you guys are working on a new album, and I can't deal having a boyfriend only inside the walls of my apartment, it hurts so fucking much Cheol and I just have nothing else to give you." you catch your breath, and you smell his perfume, and everything looks so out of place, how can a heartbreak make you nauseated, make you feel physically ill? "And even though I love you, I wish I could bring myself to ask for it, to make you give me what I want, but I know you and I know I can't ask you for that, and I know you enough to know that if I ask for it maybe I won't get what I want in return because you can't give what I want.

When Seungcheol leaves the only thing you do is cry. Like a child, on your bed, in a fetal position, hiccuping every few minutes. You cry so much that you fall asleep while doing it. In the morning when your alarm goes off, you can feel a headache. You think you will need a lot more than a painkiller. But you pick yourself up, and go to work and you regret it. You regret it when you see a fucking bus with Seungcheol's face plastered on it - his birthday is in three weeks. You regret it when you see it again on the subway, and when you open social media the news around his new album is across it - you think you need to delete every account Seungcheol related. 

You also regret when you see Mingyu's name on your phone screen. But when Mingyu calls you for the third time you know something must be wrong.

"Hello?"

"Hey can you- ok guys shut up, hi hmm” He says in a lower voice, “can you tell Seungcheol to hurry up he is a bit late we have scheduled in like 30-ish," He says across the line.

"Hm, Mingyu I really can't do that." You say almost laughing because his friends don’t call you ever, you have Mingyu’s number registered because once Seungcheol had a dead phone and he asked Mingyu to tell you he was arriving late - that’s when Seungcheol still cared you think, after that he just arrived late without telling you his schedule was running late.

"No really like it is a really important schedule."

"Mingyu Seungcheol is not with me right now you should call him-"

"Is he not? I mean he slept with you, right? Did he leave your house already?"

"No, he didn't sleep at my place last night-"

"No?" Mingyu asks and the line is dead silent before you pick yourself up and have the courage to tell you.

"Mingyu we broke up yesterday," You say in the lowest register ever, the last thing you wanted was Karen from the sales department eavesdropping on your conversation and asking if you needed a girl time.

"Why did you break up with him?" He asks and that makes your head spin a little, how did he know?

"Mingyu that's-" you breathe loudly, you want to smash the phone against the nearest surface, but you need patience, and to be honest Mingyu didn’t do anything for you to be rude, yes, you are angry but it is not Mingyu’s fault,  "That's really personal I'm sorry"

"Ok, sorry, yeah I overstepped for sure," you can hear the faint voices in the background, "Do you think you know a place he could've gone to?"

"No, I really don't, I am sorry, just" your bite your tongue because you think that’s overstepping too, but you say nonetheless,  "Just give me a heads up if you guys find him or if I need to worry ok?"

"Yeah, yeah."

And against everything - your rational mind and your broken heart, you call Seungcheol, because he still comes first, his well-being and state. Even if he is not picking Mingyu's call that stills a part of you that says that you are special enough to him that he may answer your calls. He doesn't. But you don't even have time to worry because Mingyu sends you a message saying that Seungcheol just showed up and he is fine.

And the reality of it crushes you. You are not the person that Seungcheol will pick up when everyone calls him, you are not the exception anymore.

What really hurts is when you think that maybe you never were. 

And the feeling makes you so physically ill that when you knock on your chief's door to say you are going back home because you feel unwell and gonna try to work remotely he just says you can take a day off because you are clearly looking like a fucking truck hit you.

The first few days make you wish Seungcheol was right. You cry so much you feel dehydrated and have a non-stop headache. So you wish he was right, you wish you did cheat on him, you wish you ended things because you fell. in love with somebody else. 

You don't delete his messages but you do archive the conversation because every time you open the app it is just there and the want to hover it, to go back, to look at it, to have Seungcheol back in your life is so big you ask yourself how can you carry such a burden.

When you reach the 7 days you feel like somehow you can breathe again, now crying only 25% of the time. It's painful how you get back into your routine very quickly, it makes you feel that Seungcheol was not a big part of it. The main thing you do is to just keep your phone away, check less social media - the last time his face popped up and you almost yetted the phone. 

On week two you do all the things that you wanted to do with Seungcheol, alone or with other people. You go to the new corner cafe with a book and order a lot of sweet treats. You go to the movies after a day of work because why not. You drive yourself to the beach, and even though it’s not really summer, the weather is nice enough. In a way you think you are a masochist, experiencing all of those things and reminiscing of what could be if Seungcheol was by your side. But every time you come home and your empty place greets you with the memory of Seungcheol and his belongings you think that masochism would be locking yourself up in a place where Seungcheol was most present in your life.

Week three is a living hell. It's Seungcheol's birthday and you catch yourself entering a store just because something nice enough to be his present caught your attention. When you pick up your phone to ask him if he prefers leather or wool the reality crashes into you. It makes your world spin a little, and everything is in slow motion when you go back home. 

It doesn't help that you still have a pair of shoes, some shirts, a few pieces of jewelry, and even toiletries that don't belong to you in your own house. You feel stupid when you cry, but you pick everything up and put everything in a box - but you still don't have the strength to contact Seungcheol and say that he needs to pick up his things in order to move on.

I'm just here for the weekend A wordless kind of offer And I'm hoping that you saw that

After a month you stop crying.

Even though you don't keep tabs in a tracker you know every month that passes by, and Seungcheol's box turns into a decorative item by your door. 

In a way, everything you know about Seungcheol is stored in the back of your mind, and sometimes it comes back to your conscious mind like an intrusive thought.

To be honest, Seungcheol still pops up daily in your life, his voice plays in the nice book store, his face shows up in the make-up store and now he is the face of your favorite lip balm, he shows up in the tv and again in the subway, he shows up in the news and in your favorite variety show - the first time you don't actually binge watch. You know when Seungcheol is blond and when he is not, you know when his hair is long or shorter. And even if you don't want to, you keep tabs on him.

But in reality, you can deal with it, you can deal with Seungcheol's absence when he doesn't come back to make you fall in love with him. 

And it gets easier. 

Or you get used to not having Seungcheol in your life, seeing him from afar, or not seeing him at all. After 3 months you think to yourself that for the first time, you feel like a human again. Like your feet are back on the ground. You can walk without crunches for the first time after breaking both legs. 

When it hits the six-month mark you think it is okay to remember, it is okay to think about it, it was a milestone after all. When you think about buying a cake for the one-year mark you think that maybe that's not normal. 

But maybe that’s the path of healing, the ups, and downs of it, healing is not linear - you think that you saw an Instagram post about it. And you just accept it, you don’t fight anymore about how you remember Seungcheol in the silliest things, when you look at something on the street, or when you start binge-watching a new tv show. But sometimes you also don’t remember him, sometimes you can go a few days without conjuring him in your mind - but you always end up losing the game when you think to yourself how you did not think about him.

'Cause I see you I fall back into the feeling like we've just begun Tell me, ooh Are you tired of being alone? You're not the only one

When you see Seungcheol, two years later, you just laugh and take a sip of your drink. It is really crazy how Seungcheol's absence makes you forget that one of your closest friends knew Seungcheol - he was the reason why you two met in the first place.

And yet you feel surprised to see Seungcheol in the same space as you after a while. And god why do your legs buckle and why is he so good-looking?

At the same time you want to turn and run, you are so freaking obsessed with seeing Seungcheol with your own two eyes after such a long time. God. You need a drink, you need a glass of the most powerful poison, you need courage and you need strength. 

But before you can turn Seungcheol has his eye on you.

And you want to run and scream when you see him walking into you. 

"Hey," Seungcheol says and he too looks like he is fine with everything, and you think if it has always been like that if Seungcheol almost didn’t get a scratch when you always left with a broken heart and broken bones   "I-" Seungcheol laughs. "This is weird."

"Yeah," you say drinking the rest of your drink in one gulp "They didn't tell me you were coming so-"

"Do we need to continue doing that?" Seungcheol asks and you can feel your head tilting like a damn dog, and Seungcheol's tint smile across his face confirms your suspicion- he always thought it was endearing. "Avoid each other I mean," he clarifies. 

And you want to say yes because you feel so weak on your knees. You feel like you are getting pulled - physical traction makes you throw away all that you learned in the past year, making you forget how difficult it was, how painful.

"I don't know, it is not the ideal but what is the other option?" You ask and don't even wait for Seungcheol to answer you when you look around - you need another drink, you are not doing this sober, you feel yourself close to tears and you can't cry sober - drunk you at least have an excuse to bawl everything out.

"Not hating each other?" Seungcheol scoffs, and you do the same.

"Sometimes I think about how we spent four years together," you say, going to the bar with Seungcheol by your side, you order a mojito while Seungcheol just brushes the guy off. Seungcheol is so close that you can feel your brain start malfunctioning. 

"Come on, I swear I didn't try to pick a fight if you want I can go I already said my wishes to the host so-" 

"Is not that," You feel so fucking frustrated, you can feel your heart in your throat. "I just-" You breathe loudly, maybe you should let him enjoy the party and go - he was the one that didn't show up in two consecutive years. "Look this is not the time or the place for us to have this conversation but the point is I never hated you - I never could, and to be honest never wanted."

Seungcheol just looks at you, his eyes big and mouth agape. 

And you wish you could hate him because it would be easier. And because if you hated him you wouldn't question yourself if it was the right decision, if you hated him you wouldn't be thinking about letting Seungcheol back in your life.

"Hey, hey-" you hear Seungcheol's voice behind you. 

Fuck you forgot the uber, so you do your best to ignore Seungcheol and pick up your cell phone, trying to open the app fast enough just so a car teleports in the street.

"Come on I can take you home," He says and you want to laugh really, what the fuck is on his mind.

"And would I say yes to that?"

"Look," Seungcheol’s hand goes through his hair and you know he is frustrated, and a part of you relishes that, in the way that you still know him even after more than 24 months apart, "I don't know how you are doing, and this can be me being fucking egotistical, but I have been thinking you hate me for two years, so if here is not the place then we can find a place, I would say my place but that would make me sound like a jerk so-"

"Cheol," you almost beg.

"I really just want to understand what happened, fuck-" And when you look again you see Seungcheol in such a different light, he is so tired, he looks so exhausted, he looks older, but not just older he looks jaded,  "It is been plaguing my mind since we broke up I can't fuck wrap my head around-" 

"Your house then."

"Ok, ok. Just so you know I have a dog." Seungcheol says while guiding you to his car and you just feel a pang in your chest because you know how he went on and on about how he wanted a dog, how you two could get a dog, how if he wasn't so busy, and far away half of the time you two should get a dog.

And God you feel so sad, you can actually feel everything building up inside your body, you can feel it in your throat. 

You heard and heard about the dog and you were not there, and that’s all you can think about the entire trip to Seungcheol’s house.

"This is Kkuma," Seungcheol says holding the dog up, when he sees that you are not in the mood to greet the cute creature he gives up. "Is this a mistake?"

"Probably," you say, looking at his living room - god when you two dated he didn’t have his own house. How much did you miss? How many milestones in his life were you not a part of? 

"I-" Seungcheol starts, making you look at him, "I just thought we could go back to good terms you know, I've been keeping tabs on you," and you don’t know why but you feel so angry, you feel like there is something growing under your skin you can’t quite name it. "Don't look at me like that, I wanted to know how you were, how you've been doing, and when I asked about you this last time he said I could show up so I thought you knew"

"I didn't"

"Yeah, I'm sorry," he says, rubbing his palm against his pants in an attempt to dry it. "I mean for today and for everything I guess, I wasn't the best back then. I just thought-"

"What do you want from me Cheol?" You ask for the first time looking at Cheol's eyes, looking for the truth in it, searching for every little detail you can catch to make it make sense, but that just makes you crumble like a sandcastle against a wave, "I've been trying so hard- god"

"Hey, hey-" Seungcheol's hand close around your wrist, his fingers in contrast with your skin. "Don't cry please, don't cry, I always hated when you cried, hated every time I saw you in tears because of me." He says while getting closer to you, which just makes you cry a little bit more.

"I am so sorry, this was a bad idea, I can take you home if you want to," Seungcheol says with his arms around you - and god, you should've braced yourself from the impact, but you didn't and Seungcheol was just crashing into your life again.

"Yeah, and I was crazy enough to say yes to you," you say against Seungcheol's embrace and you are surprised when he picks up your muffled sounds.

"Why did you, say yes I mean" Seungcheol making space to look down at you.

"You know why Cheol," you say rolling your eyes at him.

"It's the same for me too, I guess," Seungcheol says tucking your hair behind your ears, "Maybe that's why I went after you today, fuck, that's why I talked to you really-" his lips find your forehead, and you can feel your heart in throat. You feel like your lungs are about to collapse, you can't breathe, "when I saw you I just-" He smells your hair like he used to do, his hand on your neck, his thumb caressing your jaw. "it just felt like nothing had changed"

I know it sounds fatal, I know we made fires The ending's real clear and it won't take us higher Tonight, I might need to come kamikaze Crash into your way (Kamikaze, kamikaze)

You know Seungcheol, you can tell, you can anticipate every step. With Seungcheol it is like you have the ability to see the future in your lids. With Seungcheol even when he crashes and burns makes you think to yourself that you can take the fire against your skin.

And you miss the feeling - to be understood even when you don't have words, when the silence speaks for you when Seungcheol just knows what you need before you ask for it. That's why you broke things up, you think, maybe you felt the most loved when Seungcheol would anticipate every and each one of your needs, and the moment he stopped you felt so unseen.

When Seungcheol's lips find your cheeks, just below your eyes, you can hear the sound of your heart-shattering. Your hands tighten against his sides. 

"I missed you," Seungcheol says, his forehead resting against yours. "I missed this, missed us."

"Cheol," you beg because it is the only thing you can do, the only thing you can master.

"Let me take care of you," You can feel the way his hand goes to your nape, making you shiver, "Let me make you happy."

You just nod, because that's what you want. You want it so much that you could change the earth's axis, you could change the future and the past for it. And when you feel Seungcheol's lips against yours you think that ending the world would seem like an easy task if it was to achieve Seungcheol's love, to have his touch against your skin every day.

When you wrap your arms around Seungcheol's neck you know you are done for - you know you fell in love all over again.

And you do it because it is him, because it is Seungcheol, and he is the only one who could break your heart.

"You will, won't you?" Seungcheol says mouth against your jaw, hand still against your nape holding you in place, "Let me love you?"

"Don't say things like that," you whisper, tugging on Seungcheol's shirt. 

"Why baby?" He says kissing your jaw, his hand caressing your cheek, "god, I missed this," Seungcheol says when his breath in on your neck, rubbing his nose on it. "missed how you smell," his hand holds your waist and you feel so glad because you almost melting, "missing the way you taste," he says when his tongue laps at your skin, giving you a small kiss on the kneck.

The only thing you can do is try to anchor yourself, one hand splayed against Seungcheol's back and another one tugging at his hair. Seungcheol's hand goes around you, caging you against his body, his hands finding the hem of your shirt and putting it under your shirt.

And it is just so much, the way his hands feel hot against your back, keeping you upright. The way his lips feel against your skin, wet, across your cleavage. The way that his body feels hard against yours. 

It's just so much. To have all that again, you almost forget how to breathe.

Seungcheol is so big - physically yes, but his whole existence is so big, it makes you feel suffocated. Seungcheol is so big that you question yourself how you used to fit him in your heart.

But you choose not to think about it, not know. You call his name while tugging his hair, blindly searching his mouth. And you focus on Seungcheol, the way that his tongue feels against yours, the way that he holds you, the way that you feel how hard he is against your hips.

"Let me," Seungcheol whisper against your mouth before his hand found the back of your thighs and picks your up - and you do the only thing you can do, letting out a surprised noise and hugging Seungcheol. And you can feel how Seungcheol's smiles spread against the skin of your chest.

"Don't laugh," you try to scold him, hand tugging his hair again - when he let his hair gets so long? It was a newfound joy for you.

"-m not laughing," you hear Seungcheol say against your skin, his fingers dipping in the skin of your ass. 

When your back hits the mattress, you feel like you can breathe again for the first time, Seungcheol's body away from yours. Until his hand is back on your hips, making your heart skip a beat and your lungs collapse.

"You are so pretty," he says when his hands travel up against your body, lifting your shirt, Seungcheol's lips find the skin of your stomach, his hand pressing on your ribcage. Seungcheol looks at you, his tongue on your skin, linking a strip of it. 

The thing about Seungcheol is that he still remembers. He still knows what makes you melt, makes you hot, makes you whimper. And he does it so right that makes your head spin.

Seungcheol lifts your shirt up, pooling it against your neck. "Fuck-" Seungcheol starts again and you ask yourself how he doesn't feel tongue-tied like you, "so pretty like this," his digits touch your chest when the lace of your bra ends, and it is just so faint, you lift your chest searching for his touch.

"Can I?" Seungcheol asks and you don't even know what he wants but you are nodding. He tugs on your bra, letting your boobs free. His forefinger and his middle finger find your nipple, tugging at it lightly, making you whimper. "Always loved how you are so fucking sensitive," he coos.

Seungcheol's lips find your skin again, and the way he kisses the underside of your boob is so soft and so tender that makes your head spin a little. Seungcheol lowers his body against yours, making you open your legs a little to make space for him between them. 

Seungcheol kisses your sternum at the same time that his hands wrapped around your throat, he doesn't put pressure on it. But the mere fact that his hand is splayed on your windpipe makes you lose it, make you whimper. "God, missed this too, the way you sound" 

"Cheol," you want to complain but you can't because Seungcheol just licks one of your nipples, his free hand holding you in place for him to latch on it. You don't even know what to do - it is just too much, the feel of Seungcheol's hands on your body, of his mouth against your skin. 

When his mouth leaves your nipple with a low pop, his mouth doesn't leave your skin. "Don't worry babe gonna give it to you," you hear his voice low and muffled, "Gonna give you everything."

"Want you-" you say tugging at his shirt. And you feel so hot all over, you ask yourself how did you survive without his touch for so long, how did you survive with your skin against yours.

"I know, I know” Seungcheol coos and you just melt against the hand he places against your face, when he kisses you again you know you are doomed. “Just let me eat you first," he says putting his lips just below your ear, his body heavy and hot against you, "Missed your pussy too, missed everything."

"Don't talk like that," you beg and you don't hear it, but you feel the way that Seungcheol's body reverberates with a chuckle - and you take the opportunity to tug at your own shirt and bra.

"I know you like it," Seungcheol says opening the button of your pants and tugging at each leg.

"I don't anymore," you say just because you feel like you need to pick a fight really. To look like it is harder to rip you apart at the seams, to make Seungcheol think it is not that easy to wreck you. 

To make Seungcheol think it's harder to have you again.

"I know you do," Seungcheol says lifting your leg and kissing your ankle, and you feel if it's not normal to feel so much. "I can see you do still like it." Seungcheol's voice drops and you can see his eyes on your pussy, his knuckle pressing on it over your panties, you can see how wet it feels, and god you feel so ashamed because you want it so much, and because Seungcheol knows.

You can feel how red your skin is. Seungcheol lies between your legs. He rearranges your position, opening more your legs, putting one of your thighs on his shoulder. "Don't need to lie to me," He says before slowly biting on the meat of your thigh, his hands holding you in place when you buckle. 

Seungcheol kisses your pussy over your panties and you bite on your tongue, you hold yourself back. "God, I even miss the way you smell," Seungcheol says and you feel faint - and you tug at the sheet almost crying, almost begging.

But before you say anything you feel him tugging at your panties and you don't move, you just let Seungcheol move your body to his pleasure, taking your panties off but putting your legs the same way as before. 

You feel Seungcheol digits against your folds and you bite your tongue again - trying to hold back. But when his thumb presses on your clit you can't resist calling his name. "Shh, it's okay baby," Seungcheol says before his tongue is on you, making your head spin.

You ask yourself again how you survived without him. 

Because with Seungcheol was just so easy. 

Seungcheol doesn't ask what you like he already knows.

Seungcheol knows how to pin your hips down, with his hand splayed, because you like how strong he is. Seungcheol knows how to lick your folds, how to suck on your clit, how to tease you with his fingers. 

"Can you-" you try to ask for it, but when you look down between your legs you see Seungcheol looking at you, seeking your reactions, trying to catch every little detail, and before you can ask again Seungcheol is nodding against your pussy, mouth not leaving it for a second even thoughyou are bucking your hips.

And then you feel his fingers against your entrance. And it is Seungcheol he knows how you like it, but he knows too much, he teases you first, just the knuckle against your hole.

"Seungcheol, please," you ask again, accepting that you lost the war, accepting that you can't pretend anymore because you know Seungcheol will only give you when you ask for it.

But you asked for it so he gives to you. 

He starts fucking you slowly with his fingers, his tongue never leaving your clit. 

You feel like you are going insane, it's just too much - his hand’s strong grounding your hips, the way that his mouth closes against your clit, the way that his fingers enter you, the way his eyes never leave yours.

And before you can say anything you are cumming against his tongue, Seungcheol laps at it like he wants to feel your taste on his tongue, like he wants every drop of it.

"Always loved your mouth." You say before Seungcheol kisses you and you can taste yourself on his tongue.

Seungcheol lifts his body, kneeling on the mattress, and finally takes his shirt off, "wait," you call for him, and you look at him. And god he is so fucking pretty all over. He always has been. You touch him, hands against his stomach, and you wish you can make him feel like he does to you. 

You sit on the bed, Seungcheol's position making him taller than you, but it is not a problem when the difference makes it easier to kiss his pecs. And Seungcheol holds the back of your neck, his eyes again, never leaving you, making sure he sees every tiny fraction of every little touch. 

You don't know if you actually forgot, or, if you just locked the memories away in a tiny part of your brain, but when you see Seungcheol so pilant against your touch - against one of your hands on his stomach, the other touching his pecs and mouth sucking at his skins it is like it's unlock something on you.

"Did you miss it?" You ask hand working on Cheol's pants, palming him in the process.

"Hun?" He asks voice low, like he didn't catch the meaning behind the question.

"The way I make you feel," you answer, hand underneath his underwear, touching his hard dick. "Did you miss it?" You ask again, looking Seungcheol in the eyes.

"So fucking much," he answers and you can see how his body reacts to every single touch you give him, you lower Seungcheol's underwear, just enough so his cock springs free - red and leaking, and God you wish you could forget how many time Seungcheol split you open with his dick, but you can't, you think you remember each and every time, "Thought about it every day."

"Can you fuck me?" You ask Seungcheol, fingers wrapped around his dick, pumping him slowly, thumb rubbing against his tip, and you can see his body twitch, but Seungcheol just lets you do whatever you want with him.

"How do you want me?" he asks.

"You know how," you say it because it is true. Seungcheol knows how to eat you, how to fuck you, how to split you open, he knows how to make you feel good, and how to make you cry. 

"Come on," He says hand on your shoulder making you lay down again, and you whine because the action made you set his dick free "You asked me to fuck you" his hands wrap around your leg and make your body turn to the side. 

And it is just so hot, how Seungcheol can manhandle you, can make you turn and move, but still cave into every and each one of your whims. You ask and he answers it. You ask him to jump and he asks how high. 

Seungcheol lays on the bed, his front pressed against your back, his strong arms around you, his lips against your neck, his dick against your ass. 

Your mind goes back to how big Seungcheol is, how he doesn't let space for anyone else.

But you come back to reality when you feel Seungcheol's dick going against your pussy. Seungcheol mumbles against the skin of your shoulder, but you are so gone that you don't actually pay attention to it. 

When Seungcheol starts fucking you you are halfway there. You hold Seungcheol's arms, your nails marking his skin. "You take me so fucking well," Seungcheol says before his teeth find the flesh of your shoulder. "Do you need-" You don't let him finish, tugging at his hair, searching for his mouth - and the kiss is messy and sloppy, and when Seungcheol's fingers find your pussy again you just moan on his mouth.

"Are you-" Seungcheol asks, and you know what he wants to say in the way his hips fall in rhythm the way his other hand tightens against your ass, the way with every stroke he goes deeper and deeper. And you nod because it is the truth, you are so close to it that you feel like your bones are melting.

And you just let it hit you, let the wave of the orgasm wash over your body. And you know Seungcheol is close by the way he pants against your neck, by the way, his strong hands hold your thigh - until you feel him cum on you.

You can feel your heart beating against your chest. You can feel the way Seungcheol's dick slips off you, and the way your back feels sweaty against his chest. You squirm a little trying to put some distance between your bodies.

"Stay," Seungcheol murmurs against your shoulder while enveloping you in his embrace, tugging you closer and you do. You stay because Seungcheol still makes you fall in love with him every single chance he gets, but your mind is still wrapped around the feeling that maybe, you two, are not meant to be, one of the lovers that could be so fucking beautiful and that marked your life, that is a before Seungcheol and after Seungcheol in your life.

But, deep down you know, that you just got tired of asking for more.

Now you don't want a lover that you need to ask for it - even though you know Seungcheol would never say no to you, but for once, you think that you want someone who gives to you without being asked for.

I love the beginning, the moonlight is calling I know we'll go up but we'll end up freefalling

[sassyhobbits]

Misery Business, 12

masterlist

~~~

During the next month, they fell into a strangely comfortable lull.

Their mission had to go mostly on pause while Elide worked to decrypt all of the most sensitive information on those drives. In the meantime, they did have work to do. Their normal duties kept them occupied. But, with Rowan now working with her, he was able to feed Aelin little bits and pieces about Maeve that she was then able to pass on to Arobynn, to make him believe his plan was working and she was using Rowan to slowly dismantle Maeve. On the other hand, she made sure to work more with Maeve, to do the tasks she asked without complaint, to make her think Rowan was charming her over to their side.

The hardest part of it all was controlling her rage as Aelin looked the two people who had ruined her life in the eyes and pretend she didn’t want to violently dismantle them and feed their body parts to feral animals. The only reason she didn’t snap was because she knew they would get what was coming to them.

She and Rowan had made their own sort of ‘domestic bliss’, if one could call it that. They had begun sleeping in Rowan’s bed every night and the spare bedroom became the glorified closet Aelin had joked it would be the first night she arrived. They spent plenty of time learning one another's bodies, of finding ways to make the other moan and come apart beneath their hands. At this point, Aelin was sure they had fucked on nearly every surface in the apartment: the kitchen island one night after Rowan had cooked them a rather spectacular meal, the dining table when Aelin had gotten down on her knees and sucked him off one morning before he left, the couch when they were watching t.v and couldn’t make it to the bedroom before sliding off their underclothes and coming together. It was a frenzy Aelin never wanted to end.

A delivery arrived for her one day consisting of a box of fancy chocolates and an expensive bottle of wine. A small notecard accompanied it and, written in the center with chicken-scratch handwriting read, Sorry. -L

Aelin frowned at the note, her husband doing the same from where he peered over her shoulder.

“Is Lorcan trying to poison me?” Aelin asked.

“Poison isn’t usually his style,” Rowan said, rubbing his chin and frowning deeper. “But neither is apologizing.”

Aelin didn’t toss them out, nor did she eat them right away. Though, eventually, after she arrived home from a rather long mission, she caved and popped one in her mouth. She didn’t die, so she decided to open the wine and share it with Rowan, which then led to a wine-fueled tumble in the sheets.

There was likely only one person that would be able to convince Lorcan Salvaterre to write an apology letter and send a gift that wasn’t meant to kill her.

Aelin had taken Elide’s offer and came over to her apartment one night. It was a strange thing, to be there for pleasure instead of business. She was certain she sat stiffly for most of the evening, preparing herself for the worst. But the worst never came. So, later that week in the spirit of continuing friendships, she invited both Elide and Lysandra over one night. They ordered take-out and drank wine and laughed. Both Aelin and Elide knew better than to broach the topic of Lorcan while the subject was so hot, but that was half a thought in the back of their minds all evening.

Aelin had a good time. And it was good practice for when they finally killed Arobynn and she could try to be a regular woman with regular friends.

She had grown rather accustomed to sleeping in the same bed as Rowan. But tonight she had a job, and wouldn’t likely return until the early hours of the next morning. A frown formed at the thought, realizing how much she now treasured waking up to his handsome face in the morning, resting her head on his chest to catch a few more minutes of sleep or kissing his neck while they enjoyed a quick morning fuck.

Aelin had a long, leather trench coat on, forgoing her normal uniform of tactical clothes and gun holsters. She would have to go undercover tonight. No use in bringing them along.

She glanced down at the emerald on her finger, slipping it off with a sigh and tossing it in a jewelry dish she had put on Rowan’s dresser. She wouldn’t be able to wear it tonight, and didn’t trust others to not steal it away while she worked.

“Should I be offended?” Rowan asked, strolling out of the bathroom. His hair was still damp from his shower, a pair of gray sweats slung low around his hips. He stopped before her, putting his hands on her waist. “Are you going to pretend you’re not married to pick up other men?”

Aelin laughed, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck and kissing him. “That’s actually more accurate than you think.”

He stiffened.

“Does it make you feel any better if I’m picking them up to kill them?” Aelin fluttered her lashes innocently. “I have to go undercover at Clarisse’s tonight.”

“Arobynn’s strip club?”

“Unfortunately.”

Rowan’s lip curled in distaste. “Is there no other way to do the hit?”

“This guy knows he has enemies and never goes anywhere without like six bodyguards following him… except for his fancy hotel room with a pretty woman who he just happens to pick up tonight.”

“I don’t like it.”

“It’s not your job to like it,” Aelin said, brushing silver hair from his forehead. “But it is my job to kill him. Simple as that.”

He released a long breath before brushing his lips against hers. “Just… be safe.”

“Aw. You’re cute when you worry.”

“And you’re a pain in my ass.”

Aelin smiled broadly. “As if you’d have me any other way.”

Rowan responded by kissing her once more.

…

Aelin didn’t like Clarisse’s.

The club was situated in a busy, expensive part of the city and generally attracted two types of customers: rich men who could afford it, and sleaze-bags wasting a month or two worth of wages to enjoy the finest women the city had to offer.

It was technically a strip-club, but everyone knew it was more of a high-end brothel. The narcs just never had enough evidence to properly shut it down.

Arobynn had been a frequent enjoyer of the atmosphere and the women, that much Aelin knew. In fact, it was the reason she had met Lysandra. Arobynn favored her, often spent obscene amounts of money to take her back to his estate for the night. One morning, Aelin had found a stunning woman she didn’t recognize lingering outside. It was just the beginning of winter, and it had been obvious she wasn’t dressed for the occasion, shivering in her trench coat with her still-bare legs pointing out.

“Why are you sitting out here?” Aelin had asked.

There was a frown on Lysandra full lips- still stained red from the previous night’s makeup, bags under her eyes. “I don’t like it in there. Too many men that are too comfortable staring. My car should be here soon… I think.”

Aelin had known what Lysandra had been there for and who had paid for her. She didn’t think she was often extended kindness, so Aelin half-expected the stranger to refuse when she offered for her to come wait upstairs in her room with her until the car arrived. But she agreed. And it was the start of what Aelin had too-long referred to as a partnership when she had really just been too much of a coward to say what it really was- a friendship. One she was profoundly grateful for.

But, as they were both aware, this wasn’t a normal sort of friendship. Which was why Lysandra was helping her pass as a stripper as a means of later killing someone. Most girl friends spent their evenings watching sappy romances. Maybe one day they would be there too.

“Look up,” Lysandra instructed, eyeliner pencil held in her talented fingers.

They were seated in a back dressing room where the girls were to get ready before they were on. Lysandra, being one of their top earners, got the luxury of a private room. She hadn’t bothered to do much in decorating, and it was instead filled with the necessities of her trade: towering heels, fancy make-up, and lots of little lacy things.

Aelin complied, allowing her friend to apply a dark, smudgy kohl around her eyes.

The tip of Lysandra tongue poked out between her red-stained lips as she worked. There weren’t a lot of people Aelin would feel comfortable allowing so close to her eyes, but Lysandra was one of them.

“This makes your eyes look amazing.”

“I doubt my mark is going to be looking at my eyes. What matters is my tits. How do they look?”

Lysandra’s gaze dropped to her chest. Aelin had to look the part, so she wore a black, lacy set. The bra was highly uncomfortable, but it pushed her boobs up to what felt like her chin.

“They look unfairly good. Why does an assassin need such a nice rack?”

Aelin shrugged. “The gods work in mysterious ways.”

Lysandra laughed and tossed the eyeliner into a bag she had resting on the counter. The movement caused the sleeve of her robe to ride up her arm, displaying the bands of bruises encircling her wrist.

Aelin’s blood turned to ice, her hand shooting out, catching Lysandra’s and pulling the sleeve down fully. There was no mistaking that it had been large hands that had caused the bruising on her wrists, and the others on her upper arm. It had taken her too long to notice with Lysandra doing her make-up.

But, judging by the look on Lysandra’s face, she hadn’t meant for Aelin to see them anyway.

“What happened?” Aelin demanded.

“It’s nothing serious.” Lysandra pulled her arm to her chest, sliding the sleeve of her robe back into place. “Arobynn’s just been a bit rough the last few nights, is all.”

“Last few nights? How often has he been requesting you?”

Lysandra’s lips were pressed into a tight line. “It’s been more often since you moved in with Rowan. I just don’t think he quite knows what to do with himself now that you’re not there to push around.”

Shame and guilt flooded Aelin, hot and acidic. “I’m so sorry, Lysandra.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ve seen the marks he leaves on you when he’s pissed. You’ve had it worse.”

“What he does to us is different,” Aelin whispered. “But both equally reprehensible.”

Lysandra gave a bitter laugh and dipped her chin. “You’re right.”

In that moment, all Aelin wanted to do was to assure her friend that Arobynn’s days were numbered, that soon she would free them both from him and that Aelin would then turn her attentions to Clarisse, to get Lysandra out of this life. But, she said nothing. Not that Aelin didn’t trust Lysandra. She knew her friend would never speak of it on her own free will but… Lysandra wasn’t trained to hold out against torture if it came to that. And Aelin didn’t trust this establishment either. It could be bugged, or there could be a eavesdropper waiting to pass on juicy information to whoever would pay the most.

Aelin simply grabbed Lysandra’s hand and gave it a firm, comforting squeeze.

Lysandra squeezed back before loosing a breath and grabbing a wig from the mannequin head upon which it rested.

“Let’s get you finished up. The sooner you get out there, the sooner you can put that creep down.”

Aelin grinned and ducked her head, allowing her friend to place the wig over her tightly-braided hair. “I’ve always wondered what I would look like with dark hair.”

“Still hot. But blonde suits you better.”

“So I suspected.”

…

It was late and Rowan couldn’t find sleep.

The apartment seemed deadly quiet without Aelin. A quiet so smothering it seemed to ring in his ears. He couldn’t remember how he had survived like this for so long before his wife had moved in. And now, the sound of her voice, her laughter, her trashy television, had become so ingrained into his home it was hard to be without it.

He sat in the living room, a glass of whisky that he was working through slowly to his side, a book in his hand. He knew Aelin had said she wouldn’t be home until nearly morning and that he shouldn’t wait up for her but… it felt strange to sleep in the bed without her now.

Rowan was struggling to focus on the scene before him when his phone buzzed on the coffee table. Welcoming the interruption of an unsuccessful night of reading, he grabbed the device, interest instantly piqued when he recognized the name that came with the message.

It was an informant he had inside the Terrasen Bureau of Investigation. It was impossible to get someone deep on the inside, to get all the details Rowan would’ve preferred, but this man listened well and provided what information he could which, when helpful, led to a fat check sent his way.

Keep your people away from downtown tonight, the message read. It’s gonna be flooded with cops and agents. They’re setting up a sting.

Rowan felt his stomach sink. Where?

The few moments it took for the informant to type were the longest of Rowan’s life. Clarisse’s. Someone let it slip that some of Hamel’s top people would be there tonight.

There was a dull droning ringing through Rowan’s ear. Aelin. Aelin was there, was likely the one the narcs were going to try and capture. And if they did that, with Aedion Ashryver as the head of the bureau… no. No, he couldn’t let that happen.

He sprung into action, sweeping into his room and clipping on his harness as well as two pistols, concealed a few knives on his being, and covered it all with a coat. He had to get downtown as fast as he could, get Aelin out before the bureau got there.

He could only hope he could do it in time.

…

Rowan had never been inside of Clarisse’s. He knew where it was located, had seen it from the outside more times than he could count. It was located in the busiest part of downtown and people tended to flow in and out of its doors all night.

He had always stayed clear of it. Up until recently, any establishment owned or funded by Hamel was somewhere he was not welcome.

It was a large, rather unassuming building with a bright red neon sign hanging over it flashing its name. There was a line of men waiting at the door, likely no one he would ever bother with. The people who mattered, who worked with Arobynn or had the money to spend on the girls, got in without question.

He strode past the line right up to the front. He could hear the music pounding from inside the building, a few men drunkenly stumbling out with wide grins on their faces. All signs that Rowan had beaten the feds here.

For the briefest of moments, the bouncer stationed at the entrance looked as though he was going to try and stop Rowan from entering. It was a possibility he had prepared for, and he had already planned to fight his way through if needed. But, the guard seemed to recognize him, had been trained enough to know who Rowan was to Arobynn, that he had wedded his heir for an alliance.

Wordlessly, the bouncer motioned for Rowan to enter. And that was that.

With his hands shoved into the pockets of his coat and his head ducked low, Rowan took his first steps into Clarisse’s. Immediately, his senses were assaulted. The drowning sound of the music’s pounding bass, the scent of cigars and alcohol, the dim lighting slashed through by the occasional beam of color light. Scantily-clad waitresses slipped through the crowd, bearing trays of expensive drinks and steaming piles of meat. Men laughed bawdily, ogling the women who served them and the others dancing for their entertainment.

For a moment, Rowan wasn’t sure where to begin looking for his wife within the madness around him. But then, he simply looked forward.

On center stage, there were two women. It was easy for him to recognize Aelin’s friend, Lysandra. She was beautiful, her luscious dark hair loose and gleaming in the colored lights, her curves highlighted by the deep green, lacy ensemble she wore. She clearly knew her craft, knew how to move to get men foaming at the mouth and vying for her attention. Most of the crowd was looking to her as she swayed.

But there was another figure on that stage. One that Rowan nearly didn’t recognize at first.

Her long, lithe, strong body was on display in a matching lacy, black set that left nearly nothing to the imagination. The bra pushed her breasts up sky high, the delicate fabric clinging to the curves of her hips, and her long legs seeming impossibly longer with the towering heels she wore. With the blunt, black bob she had her hair in, it was no wonder Rowan didn’t immediately recognize her. He watched this woman dance for seemingly a single man, one who looked at her like a meal and was surrounded by five, strapping bodyguards. The lights on the stage hit her face at just the right angle, and Rowan recognized his wife.

Her body moved entrancingly, perhaps not as skilled or honed as Lysandra’s dancing, but enticing nevertheless. Aelin’s eyes were pinned on what he realized was her mark as she danced, and the stupid fool was too horny to notice the promise of death that lingered in them.

As he was assessing the situation around him, he met Lysandra’s eyes. There was only the barest hint of surprise in them as she recognized him, but she didn’t show it. In fact, she made it look as though it was part of the performance as she closed the distance between herself and Aelin, wrapped a hand around her arm, and pressed her lips to her ear to whisper something.

It was clear what that something was when Aelin’s eyes snapped to his, lips tightening in almost imperceptible anger.

One moment Aelin was on the stage and with the next flash of light, she was gone. The man who she had been dancing for frowned, looked as though he might complain or go searching for her. That is, until Lysandra took off her top and moved closer, effectively making him forget Aelin for the time being.

Rowan looked in the crowd, scanning the dimly lit bodies and faces for the one that belonged to his wife. In the flashing lights, it was nearly impossible to differentiate between the patrons, the dancers, the servers and the security. He was sure it was purposefully designed that way, to give the customers anonymity.

In the end, Rowan didn’t find Aelin. She found him.

Two hands clamped down on his shoulders and shoved him into the nearest open seat. In a heartbeat, he was being straddled. But her weight and the scent of her perfume was all too familiar.

There was ire glowing in her eyes, her upper lip twitching in an attempt to hold back a sneer. But, she had a role to play. She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, pressed her body tight against his, and leaned in close enough until her lips were brushing against the shell of his ear.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Rowan? Do you want to blow my cover?”

“We need to leave immediately.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s a godsdamned sting.”

The words had barely finished falling from his lips when the music shut off suddenly, all the fluorescent lights flickering on at once, revealing every ounce of debauchery that had been happening under that roof. Men shouted in outrage, women gasped and moved to cover themselves. Rowan grabbed Aelin’s waist, hauling them both to the feet just as the doors burst open and feds started pouring in.

Instantly, it was chaos.

The women shouted, hurrying away from where the armed men were pouring in. While some of the male patrons were crying out in protest at their night being interrupted, others were shoving and rushing towards the door. Chances were they had warrants out for their arrests.

Rowan snatched a man’s trenchcoat off the back of the nearest chair, helping his wife shrug it over her scantily-clad body. He took the spare gun he had brought and pressed it into Aelin’s palm, leaning in close and hissing, “We need to go. Now.”

But it was as if she hadn’t heard a word she said. Aelin’s face had paled, her eyes wide and unblinking, pinned directly on a darkly-dressed man who had strolled in with the latest wave of feds.

Ice flowed through Rowan’s veins as he recognized who, exactly, had arrived.

His hair was a familiar shade of blonde, eyes the same color as the woman he had wed. Rowan had spent years dodging him, damning him, but always still slipping through his fingers. He was the biggest pain in his ass.

But to Aelin, Aedion Ashryver was so much more.

Rowan didn’t know how long it had last been since Aelin had laid eyes on her kin, but judging by her expression, it had been a great long while.

“We need to leave,” Rowan tried saying again. But still, it was as if his voice didn’t penetrate her ears. Aelin still looked towards her cousin, a tremble growing stronger in her hands. He didn’t dare say her name, real or false, in this place. So Rowan merely wrapped a hand around her upper arm, preparing to drag her away if necessary.

Aedion stopped, the waves of feds flowing around him and filling the premises. His brows were lowered, jaw set, lips tight, gaze sweeping around him. And somehow, whether by divine intervention of a particularly bad moment of luck, he looked right towards them. Right towards Aelin.

Instantly, Rowan saw his expression change. It was clear that even from the distance, even with the years that separated them and the disguise Aelin wore, her cousin recognized her. Aedion’s mouth and hands went slack, taking a nearly trance-like step in their direction, and his lips formed a familiar name.

Aelin.

“Fuck.” They were compromised. More than compromised, if he were being honest. They were screwed. “Please. Please listen to me.”

Whether it was his words or the slight tug he gave her arm, Aelin snapped out of it. She tore her gaze away from Aedion and followed his lead, falling into the chaotic waves of people rushing away from the feds.

It was a swell of bodies. Rowan’s senses were assaulted by the smell of expensive colognes and hair gels, alcohol, the shouts and squeals of both workers and patrons. Judging by the mania in which these people were trying to escape, Rowan would guess that nothing good would be waiting for them if they were caught.

Rowan and Aelin included.

A startled woman crashed into them, breaking the grip that Rowan had held on his wife’s arm. Even with turning back in her direction instantly, she was lost to the swarm. And with the people pushing and frantic, if Rowan stopped moving, he would be trampled.

He hissed out a filthy, dirty curse and pushed along with the crowd, inching closer and closer to the back door. Those going that way were idiots, there would be plenty of feds out that way waiting to catch those trying to escape. But Rowan knew better, and he knew his wife did too.

Arobynn wouldn’t frequent an establishment that didn’t have a discrete way for him to leave should the worst come to pass. Such as this shit show.

There was a door that led to a basement garage that Arobynn would park at when he would visit. Though Rowan had never seen it himself, nor had he been in this building, his years of studying Hamel and his movements proved to be more than beneficial tonight.

He managed to shove himself out of the thick of the crowd, slipping down a dark hall. Despite knowing approximately where the entrance to his garage was, Rowan hadn’t the slightest idea what the entrance looked like. It wouldn’t be a door, that would be too obvious. Was it one of the framed paintings? The shelf against the far wall? Or-?

Then he spotted it. A long, tall mirror pressed against the wall. The glass was spotless save for fingerprints on the edges and the shape of lips in the same shade of red that had painted Aelin’s mouth that night. A clue, and a message. She had gone this way.

He pulled at the edge of the mirror and with only minor resistance, it swung open and revealed a dark, long hallway. Rowan wasted no time slipping into the shadow and shutting the entrance behind him, leaving him in near-total obscurity.

Relying on little more than his instinct and whatever vague shapes his eyes could make-out through the murk, Rowan moved.

He strained his ears for any clue of where Aelin could be, hoping for the sound of her voice or the click of her heel. Anything that told him he was getting closer and that she was safe.

But he wouldn’t be so lucky.

He didn’t know how long he traveled, the cool, damp air telling him he was likely underground somewhere. Where exactly, he couldn’t pinpoint. His intel had only told him that Hamel had a secret exit, but not where it led to.

After what felt like hours, the narrow hall opened into the garage he was expecting. There were a handful of dark, nondescript black cars parked. None running, nor had the garage been opened. But there was another exit whose door was opened just a crack, pale light from the night streaking inside.

He followed that light, slipping outside and finding himself in an alley. From his vantage point, there were no obvious signs to tell him where he was. Nor any signs of his wife.

A frustrated breath hissed out through his clenched teeth, tugging on his hair. Where the ever loving fuck was she? Rowan debated just heading towards the nearest road, finding his way home. Perhaps she was already on her way there, perhaps-

But before he could further debate his next move, there was a distinctly metallic click from behind, and then the tell-tale feeling of something hard and dangerous nudging the back of his head.

“Where the fuck is she?”

Dread, cold and oily, rushed through Rowan. He knew that voice. Knew it belonged to the one person he had been meaning to avoid at all costs. Grinding his teeth, Rowan slowly raised his hands.

“I said,” Aedion Ashryver growled, jabbing the back of Rowan’s head once more with his gun. “Where is she? What have you done to Aelin Galathynius?”

He was compromised. Fucked, in all honesty. In his harried rush to find his wife, he had let his guard down. And now he was at Aedion Ashrvyer’s mercy. Not that he likely had much to give. He thought that Rowan had kidnapped his cousin, probably suspected he and his consorts were doing much worse on her given the situation in which he had found them: Aelin dressed as a stripper, Rowan’s hand tight on her arm and pulling her away. Rowan would be lucky to leave here tonight walking.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The excuse sounded lame even to Rowan’s ears.

“You bastard.”

Rowan could hear the hurt, the sorrow, the pain in Aedion’s voice. He couldn’t imagine what he was feeling. Even if he had been holding on to hope that Aelin was alive all these years, seeing her must have been an entirely different experience.

Rowan considered his options. He could continue to try and make paltry excuses to buy himself some time, but it likely wouldn’t do much. He would be taken into custody, interrogated, likely tortured for information. Especially since he had just been seen with Terrasen’s princess.

Aedion gave a low, mirthless laugh. “We’ve been looking for the right excuse, the right situation, to bring you in for years, Whitethorn. And now, we’re going to have plenty of time to get answers out of you… by any means necessary.”

Fuck. Rowan had a few moments, perhaps only seconds, before Aedion summoned backup and he would be totally and thoroughly screwed. They’d haul him away under armed guards, take him to somewhere so secure there would be no chance of escape or rescue. And although Rowan had been trained to not break under torture, he certainly wasn’t looking forward to it.

“Put the gun down, Aedion.”

Rowan froze. He knew that voice. And judging by the catch of Aedion’s breath, so did he.

Aelin.

…

Aelin willed her hands not to tremble as she pointed her gun at the back of her cousin’s head. Every fiber of her being was protesting, telling her it wasn’t right. Aedion had been like a brother to her growing up, the other side of her golden coin. Pointing a weapon at him felt wrong. So wrong.

But his gun had been pointed at her husband. Which meant she had no other choice.

“Aelin?”

Her name sounded raw and painful coming from her cousin’s lips. Hurt and confused. Aelin had to swallow hard to keep the swell of sorrow within her in check.

“Drop the gun, put your hands up, and turn around slowly,” she instructed in a low, even voice. “Now.”

Inch by inch, Aedion squatted low and placed his weapon on the concrete below before raising his hands and turning towards her.

It was a practice in self-control to keep her expression blank as she saw Aedion for the first time up close since they were children. There had been photos of him over the years, yes, but Aelin had never liked to look at them for too long, lest the ache in her chest get the best of her. But now… there was no turning away.

The years had added a harshness to his face the same way they had done to hers. They still had similar sharp jaws and cheekbones, matching golden undertones beneath their skin. Their hair was the same shade of blonde, though hers was still hidden beneath the harsh, black wig she had worn tonight. And then those eyes… Ashryver eyes, same as hers. His, however, were swimming with tears.

“You’re alive,” he rasped. “I never gave up hope but…” His eyes scanned her up and down, likely looking for injuries that she didn’t currently have.

Without Aedion’s gun pointed at him, Rowan moved to her side, his presence steadying and grounding in the whirlwind of this moment. Aedion’s eyes shot towards him briefly, filled with disgust momentarily before they were locked on hers once again.

“Aelin,” her cousin began, “you can come home. Please. Put the gun down and we can get you away from this. Keep you safe.”

“I can’t go home, Aedion. Not now.”

There was a deep furrow between his brow. “Is he hurting you? Is he keeping you here? Are others?”

“Rowan is not hurting me. No one is forcing me to do anything or keeping me anywhere.”

“Then come home. Whatever you’ve been through these years, whatever you’ve had to do to survive… it doesn’t matter. We can get through this, get you help-”

“Aedion, please.” Aelin’s heart hammered in her chest, palms slick with sweat against the grip of her gun. “I need time. I need you to trust me. There are things I have to do before I can be rid of all of this.”

There was confusion in his gaze, but he still said, “Then let me help you.”

She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Please, Fireheart.”

Aelin flinched.

Fireheart. Her mother had called her that as a child, a name that had only ever been spoken with love. She hadn’t heard it, hadn’t even dared to whisper it to herself in the dark, since the day her parents were killed. Hearing it again now… Aedion was good. Good at trying to get her to do what he wanted.

But she couldn’t.

“If you’ve ever trusted me, you must trust me now,” Aelin said. “Stay out of my way. Don’t come looking for either me or Rowan. You’ll be putting us all in danger if you do so. Do you understand?”

“I don’t understand any of this.”

“Well, you’re going to have to fucking figure it out, Aedion. Don’t come poking around unless you want to get either us or yourself killed.”

Aedion blinked, still trying to put all the pieces together.

Her heart wrenched for him, for all the hurt and confusion he must be feeling now. It wasn’t fair but she didn’t have the luxury of being fair.

“You have to trust me, Aedion. You have no other choice.”

Aelin lowered the gun and her cousin let his hands drop to his sides. He was too shocked to pose much of a threat now, judging by his body-language. So she took a step closer, close enough that she could have embraced him if she wanted to.

“I- I’ll find you after,” she whispered, lips pressing together tight. “But for now… I’m sorry.”

Aedion only had a heartbeat to look confused by her apology before she swiftly brought the butt of her pistol down on his head and knocked her cousin out cold.

…

Not a single word was uttered as they traveled back to Rowan’s apartment, keeping to shadowy places, hiding in alcoves when police vehicles sped past.

Aelin was on edge the entire time, her entire body tight and fragile, like at any moment, she would shatter. It took much effort to keep herself together, to not fall apart in relief when she laid eyes on Rowan’s building.

Rowan was just a step behind her as she pushed into the apartment, his fingers just missing her arm as she swept away.

“Aelin…”

She didn’t respond, her towering heels seeming deafeningly loud on the hard floors as she strode into Rowan’s room, making a bee-line for the bathroom. She fisted the hairs of her wig and tore it off, tossing it carelessly to the tile floor of the bathroom. The stranger’s coat, which smelled heavily of cigars and booze, was next.

Her hands were trembling as she turned on the sink, splashing bracingly cold water on her face and scrubbing roughly, hoping it would help ground her back in her body.

Aelin gripped the edge of the counter and dared to look at herself in the mirror. She looked a fright. Makeup was smeared across her face, dripping and clumping. Her hair was sweaty and frizzy and her eyes… blown wide and red-rimmed. She felt ridiculous, still wearing the matching set.

In the reflection, she saw Rowan enter, concern etched on his handsome face. He approached slowly, giving her time to step away if she so wanted. But, she didn’t. Let him place his hands on her shoulders and turn her towards him gently.

Wordlessly, he grabbed and wet a washcloth, cleaning away the ruined makeup with a tenderness that made her heart clench.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly.

There was a tightness in her throat. “I- I just didn’t expect to see him tonight. To talk to him.”

“I know.” He cleaned away the smeared, red lipstick around her mouth. “I’m sorry.”

The trembling returned to her hands, her entire body, as her eyes burned. “He… he’s going to keep looking for me, now. He’s not going to stay away. And when Arobynn finds out that Aedion knows I’m alive, he’s going to-” She couldn’t even finish her statement, the sobs overpowering her.

Rowan dropped the rag and hauled her against his chest, holding her tightly as she cried.

She lost track of time with the sorrow, not knowing how long they stood in the bathroom, waiting for her cries and shaking to subside. When her body went limp with exhaustion, Rowan gently guided her into the bedroom, urging her to sit on the edge of the bed. He went to his knees before her and removed the heels she wore before he removed the bra and panties.

Rowan had undressed her plenty of times now, but this was different. It wasn’t for the purpose of fucking her, but rather to simply take care of her. He returned with a soft shirt of his own for her to wear for the evening, helping to slip it over her head.

He pulled the covers back and they crawled into bed, instantly coming together in the middle. Aelin found solace in his arms, tucking herself into his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and praying for sleep to take her swiftly.

~~~

a/n: allow me to apologize for the long wait for this chapter! some months, the writing juices flow better than the others. still, i hope everyone enjoys! we’re honestly probably pretty close to the end of this story!

tags: @val-gon @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks​ @lattristantketchup @poisonous00​ @sleeping-and-books​ @booklover242​ @elentiyawhitethorn​ @shyvioletcat​ @charlizeed​ @swankii-art-teacher​ @nalgenewhore​ @morganofthewildfire​ @emily-gsh​ @fireheart-violet​ @fangirling-4-ever​ @leiawritesstories​ @stardelia​ @empress-ofbloodshed @fromthelibraryofemilyj​ @gwynethhberdara @rowaelinrambling​ @justreadertings​ @thegreyj​ @rubyriveraqueen​ @rowanaelinn​ 

[phaerlax]

The GaruKaru to-do list

My most important notes.

Characters I've contrived into fucking Karu

Morvay (sucked his brains out through his cocklet after refusing to let Karu top in a size queen moment)

Edmond (receives a blowjob after getting a dose of devious sex pollen poison meant for Eiden)

Olivine (gets dry-humped after curing his food poisoning)

Quincy (plows his ass after healing it from Garu's offscreen ass-plowing session the night before)

Kuya (flogs him in magical chastity until he cums on release)

Eiden (gets ass eaten in heat until he begs for cock)

A sparrow yokai (ass beaten with a switch, figged, fingerblasted, tail-stroked)

Characters I must contrive into fucking Karu

Aster. I can easily come up with Aster/Karu 'punishment' scenarios, but I'm usually more interested in Karu coping with the aftermath. I must find something interesting that Aster would want to do himself, and maybe make it a bit more sexual than strictly punishing. Just to give Karu a break from all the mistreatment I always have in store.

Yakumo. Easier to come up with Yakumo/Garu. There might be potential in Karu's 'apprentice' delulu, though. And I think it would be fun if Karu was very offended by Yakumo's crushing anxiety about his dick being too big for him XD

Blade. This one is easy, I have more than one concept lol (nosy Blade embarrassingly prodding Karu in the aftermath of an Aster/Karu punishment; Blade giving Karu and Garu the full belly rub special after they give him a cute birthday present)

Dante. God as my witness I will have Dante go OOC and wrestle overpower and spank Karu's spirit out over petty tsun bullshit. Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings + check notes.

Rei. Need a bit more canon info but I love the concept of Rei letting Karu top out of guilt, being unsure of how to handle the novel feeling of caring a lot about his partner's pleasure, and giving Karu pointers. I also love the image of Karu fucking Rei and burying his face onto him as he angrily vents about stuff that is stressing him out and Rei is like there there. Idk.

Rin. Need a LOT more canon info to make this more than generic noncon.

Characters I've contrived into fucking Garu

Aster (bullied him a little, bit his ass, and then more)

Morvay (fucked him with enthusiastic consent as part two of a birthday present after Karu's balls were empty)

Blade (gave him a handjob while they were both missing Eiden)

Eiden (bath sex after some teasing, right after Howling Cyclone room 2)

Characters I must contrive into fucking Garu

Yakumo. This feels like a gimme, I can think of infinite scenarios in which horny Garu initiates and Yakumo is like okay... ;~; and then awooga. The challenge is in picking one that doesn't feel bland tbh.

Edmond. I actually have a "Garu is working as a K9 officer to sniff out drugs with Edmond and the knights but oh no sex pollen" premise, I hope someone else writes it for me but I might do it myself eventually.

Olivine. Okay this is probably the hardest... I got nothing. I do have images of Garu and Karu being really into booba for pubby reasons, but that doth not a fic make... or doth it?

Quincy. The reference in my Karu/Quincy does not count, it needs to be onscreen! I can easily think of situations in which these two would be alone in the forest. All it would take is some essence shenanigans to get things going.

Kuya. My kuyaru fixation mostly lies in Kuya/Karu so this is harder than it may seem... it would probably begin as Garu broaching the topic of Kuya/Karu. I also like the idea of Kuya giving him a condescending bath, but again, I'd rather do that for Kuya/Karu.

Dante. I think the dynamic would work quite well, because I like to write Dante as being weak to cute things, and he would probably appreciate and praise Garu's obedience, which would really do it for Garu. The problem lies only in a good premise...

Rei. I prefer the potential I see in Rei/Karu, but maybe a simple concept of Rei having an 'episode' and Garu being the only one around to help. Or Garu getting himself into a Predicament that needs a sexual solution (these mushrooms will only leave your system once you cum six times-)

Rin. See above.

Also a more direct Garu/Karu needs to happen of course...

[calsvoid]

writing meme: about me

i got tagged by @lusthurts so thank you for that <3

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

ive been into writing for years before i got into fanfiction specifically so i guess just from reading fanfiction i guess, but if you want a longer story, i got more interested in writing from roleplaying on amino and got into fanfiction because the fandom i was in at the time got OBSESSED with this one popular work and i just HAD to check it out

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

officially, my ao3 account only has glee works rn but i do have a 911 fic im working on and i do want to venture into more fandoms, but i don’t really have the confidence to do so yet

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

i’ve been trying since 2020 to be more of a fanfic writer but never actually got anything solid until 2023 so 1-4 years depending on how you see it

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

definitely read im a slowass writer and part of that is because im too busy reading fanfiction instead of writing

5. What is one way you've improved as a writer?

overall in the years i’ve been a writer, i feel like i’m better at portraying characters as well rounded and creating characters that aren’t just one stereotype. when it comes to my time as a fanfic writer, im better at writing actual scenes rather than just random narration

6. What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

the probability of survival when falling from certain heights. also ohio the glee writers were cruel for making their show based in fucking ohio of all places

7. What's your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

i’m honestly not picky i love all types of comments, but if i really had to choose, it’d probably be any that point out a specific part or line or whatever in my writing. it makes me so happy when people have some detail stick with them

8. What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

i honestly haven’t done anything too intense in my writing i think the most out there i’ve gotten is just emotional infidelity and that’s just standard for seblaine. i do plan on killing blaine in one wip of mine, but it’s just an idea for now because i’ve got other shit to focus on

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

longer stories are literally impossible for me. i absolutely SUCK at writing anything longer than a couple thousand words and even that is hard for me. smut is also hard but that’s because i haven’t bothered to write smut, so different vibes

10. What is the easiest type?

well if you see how many hurt no comfort fics i’ve published it’s obvious fluff is what i’m best at. but yeah short vignette angsty stories are super easy for me to write. it’s just 50% projection and 50% exaggeration and 100% gay, so no problem there

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

i often write at home, on my notes app, at any point of the day, and i post all my stuff on ao3. i will sometimes edit on my laptop on google docs, but i get lazy too and so my latest fics have been mostly raw and unedited.

12. What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

smut and literally any ship that isn’t seblaine and also longer works. i’d love to be one of those writers who comes out with these multi chapter masterpieces but i’m just not right now. i’ve had ideas for other ships too, but i never really flesh them out because they’re usually stuff that would span across thousands of words and i don’t have the time, energy, nor skill level to do that yet. and again, for smut, i just never bother, and while i think im never going to be the explicit sex scenes type of writer, i love the angst potential of it

13. What made you choose your username?

acedisgrace is a name i’m like 85% sure i saw a joke about from a stolen tumblr post on instagram and i was like hey im asexual and a disappointment haha what if i change my discord name to that and then eventually when i got an ao3 account, i just went with it because i saw it was available there too. as for calsvoid, they’re my initials and i spew whatever bullshit i want on tumblr and also i wish i didn’t have a body and instead was an amorphous blob of nothingness

i don’t really know who to tag that i haven’t already seen tag so anyone who would like to do this can

[deliciouskeys]

I did that one old OTP meme for Butchlander. Opinions entirely my own lol.

Source template.

1. Who is the most affectionate?

I think HL would be the king of PDA in this pairing. However, I think Billy showers him with more physical affection behind closed doors.

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

Billy’s taller and HL has much higher need to be enveloped so this is not even a question.

3. Most common argument?

Whether Billy should take Compound V, and as a related topic, whether being a supe makes you intrinsically suck as a person.

4. Favorite non-sexual activity?

I’d like to think they’d both enjoy the outdoors, albeit perhaps in different styles. I would love to read the fic where they go on a roadtrip to camp in some national park out west, and Billy’s all into roughing it in a tiny cold tent, meanwhile HL is having none of that, this is going to be a glamping trip if he can help it. Billy’s annoyed HL decides not to change out of his suit even in the woods, and complains that using heat vision to start a campfire is cheating. HL’s annoyed that Billy thinks swimming in a lake counts as taking a shower, and turns up his nose at drinking beer— it’s illegal to bring alcohol into a national park anyway!

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

While it’s easier for HL, I can’t see Billy being into it. If HL wants to bring Billy into the air, he’s going to have to do it with an arm around the waist. I think HL wouldn’t mind being princesscarried to bed, otoh.

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

HL loves Billy’s personality, specifically his honesty, even if it comes with blunt rudeness, and his weird lack of fear, even if it’s due to some malfunction of his self-preservation instinct. Billy will admit to loving how HL feels and sounds when they’re fucking. He won’t admit that he actually loves the emotional neediness.

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

Billy has an existential crisis for a week or two. HL is unruffled, he’s been kind of taken with Billy since they met at Madelyn’s house, and doesn’t really have a problem admitting it.

8. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

HL still likes to say ‘William’ for the mouthfeel and because it sounds sarcastic. ‘Billy’ most of the time. He’ll try ‘babe’ and even ‘honey’ once in a while, usually to vehement objection. As for Billy, I’m sure in bed it’s a lot of ‘cunt’ and ‘little bitch’, interspersed with occasional ‘my good boy’, but outside the bedroom, I think he keeps on calling him Homelander. Sorry, rest of fandom, I can’t get behind Billy calling him John, it makes me deeply uncomfortable for some reason.

9. Who worries the most?

HL! He worries over himself, over Ryan, over Billy, over public opinion. And being around HL, Billy worries even less, because he’s a contrarian.

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Billy because he’s used to integrating all sorts of random details about HL into his memory repository over the years. Also, it’s always a glass of milk, even at Asian places that don’t fucking have it, so it’s memorably annoying.

11. Who tops?

I think they might switch off occasionally, but ultimately HL likes feeling wanted and occasionally just wants to be a pillow princess, and Butcher likes feeling in control of a situation, so Butcher topping is their preference.

12. Who initiates kisses?

I think Butcher might feel bolder that way.

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

I think HL would be all about that. He might even take off his gloves for it occasionally (!)

14. Who kisses the hardest?

I think they are both into rough sex. But if Butcher is Compound V-less, it has to be Butcher. HL’s not going to risk being aggressive with someone who might break.

15. Who wakes up first?

HL, because, does he even sleep, he is a wholesome, hardworking, all-American morning person. Billy does not strike me as a morning person.

16. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

Billy probably. If they’re coparenting Ryan, HL is definitely the parent who has to figure out breakfast.

17. Who says I love you first?

I think HL is oddly more in touch with his feelings than Billy, so him.

18. Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

HL with his florid little penmanship lol! It says absolutely mundane shit because HL wants to be in a NORMAL loving relationship above all else. So plenty of “Hope you have a great day! XOXO”, “Can’t wait to see you! XOXO”, “Long distance kisses from your favorite! XOXO”. Billy tries to not let anyone see these, because how fucking embarrassing, but he loves that at least one of them can be this unabashedly romantic.

19. Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

HL literally tells Ashley to put “dinner date with Billy Butcher” on his agenda when they just start out. But he waits to tell Ryan in case it doesn’t work out. Billy never tells The Boys and they find out from the news cycle. When they start bombarding him with questions he shuts down and brushes it all off with “what about it”.

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Vought’s less than thrilled with their apex supe being gay, and specifically dating Billy, who’s screwed them over before, and probably will again. But they’re not going to interfere. The Seven are relieved that HL is too busy and too satisfied with his personal life to go out of his way to torment them. The Boys are mostly distraught, nothing makes sense anymore, what the fuck is this world, but they eventually just accept it. Ryan is really happy he doesn’t have to be in the middle of an ongoing feud.

21. Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

Ha! Thanks to fanon, I keep thinking HL being into ballroom dancing is canon 😂. I still think HL is more likely to be into dancing, and less likely to be complaining about his ears bleeding from the Spice Girls.

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

I hope Billy is better, but that eating a Hot Pocket with fork and knife scene is worrying. I just assume HL has never had to spend any time in a kitchen unless he’s pilfering milk from a fridge. I assume Billy has survival level cooking skills at least. They probably get a lot of takeout though :/

23. Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Billy, because he’d do it sarcastically, and HL would get annoyed and offended at how bad they are sometimes, but ultimately it’s still a show of affection, so he takes what he can get.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Billy. I think he kind of thrives on making people uncomfortable. I don’t think HL can say anything that would faze Billy that much.

25. Who needs more assurance?

The one who needs public adoration and gets upset about memes.

26. What would be their theme song?

American Woman by The Guess Who. Spoiler, American Woman does not stay away.

27. Who would sing to their child back to sleep?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh… lol. Is there footage of either of these actors singing? I have trouble picturing it. I could see Billy being fine with singing some pop song offkey, although Ryan is going to be laughing instead of sleeping. HL’s not going to do something unless he has mastery of it. [Edit: the verdict is in, and yes it’s Billy, and yes his singing is pretty godawful]

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

Billy continues fighting the good fight against corrupt supes and Vought. HL continues to work for Vought and mostly do their bidding unless Billy makes fun of him for it. Hopefully he’s doing fewer evil sidegigs as a concession to Billy, but who knows.

(Art is something I commissioned from the talented @maxkennedy24 )

[white-weasel]

Saw Saturday came early! (Aka my friend and I are doing something else on Saturday so we got together and watched Saw III on Thursday instead) More thoughts from me about the movie

I feel like this movie REALLY made a big gore jump. Saw II already had a big jump from the original but this one… Jesus Christ. I worry that sometimes the traps get a bit too gruesome for their own good? We’ll have to see the later movies to see how my opinion develops on this topic

I was surprisingly okay with the angel trap? Idk it’s definitely a horrifying thought but I think there was just a very big disconnect in how that would feel/play out and the over the topness of it all made me able to watch it. Very creative though I will give them that.

Going along with that, rip Kerry. The start of the movie I was so ready for her to be like the dual protagonist of the movie and then she was not. I thought it coulda been kinda interesting but I get that wasn’t really the plot direction they were going with it

Generally enjoyed the character of Lynn! I wish I could’ve learned a little bit more about her before the end of the movie, but I get they were setting up the twist of her being Jeff’s wife so they had to keep things vague. At the same time, the absolute BALLS on her to threaten and taunt Amanda with that shotgun collar around her neck? She’s an icon for that

Lynn and Amanda could have been toxic yuri, if only they were given more time!!! I mean they *were* toxic yuri, but I’m saying in another life we got even more with them

Jeff sucks. Really really hated Jeff. And he wasn’t even fun to hate, I just hated him. Like dude I get you’re going through grief and fucked up because your kid died but come ON (Lynn, at this point the toxic yuri is looking like a better option for you than that sad sack of a husband)

The pig guts vat trap didn’t bother me like at all lol I’ve seen a few lists about traps and this one tends to be towards the top but it was whatever to me from both a story and shock value perspectives Like I like the idea of a psychological trap where the person being tested doesn’t have to hurt themself physically but rather has to do something insanely hard emotionally, but man. Jeff sucks so much that I didn’t even care about his internal conflict about destroying his dead son’s possessions. I was just sitting there screaming “hit the fucking incinerator button already.” Also yeah, rotting meat is gross but seeing it thinking about it doesn’t make me ill. The thing is, this was the trap my friend had the hardest time watching without a doubt. Different strokes for different folks

The hardest trap for me in this movie was the rack. I feel like I don’t need to explain why. I didn’t even attempt to watch any of it. As soon as the explanation was given, I turned my head and dutifully put my hand shield up lol. My friend was nice enough to give me the general play by play of the scene, but just listening to it was a lot

I liked seeing more Amanda in this movie and her character of someone who believes that John saved her life by putting her in a trap, but then can’t actually live and abide by that same code when it comes time to take up his work

(And she also falls into her own self destructive tendencies, despite being “saved” by John, showing how fucked up and flawed his own philosophy actually is)

Did enjoy seeing Adam again even if it was literally only in a flashback where Amanda is killing him

Also enjoyed the puppet again. He always makes me laugh and my friend finds it funny that I find him funny. Like that part where he’s just laying in the hallway with the trike? It got me so good

Curious to see where the movies go now that both John AND Amanda are dead. My guess is that John had some sort of contingency/final game that he wants to be played upon his death. This would mean that there’s at least one other apprentice running around who will carry out this game for him

There are only two people I’m aware of who we’ve been introduced to and have survived a game: Lawrence Gordon and Daniel Matthews (though he wasn’t really being tested but also he was in the death house so?? Close enough) so I think it’s gotta be one of them. I’m leaning more towards Daniel but idkkkkkk I’m not getting strong vibes from either of them that they’d join John like Amanda did. My friend is also keeping her lips staunchly sealed so I’m floundering like a fish here

Things I’m excited for/wanting to see in future installments: finding out who the next Jigsaw is, hoping for a little more focus on trap victims so I care about them getting out, the gay middle aged men (HoffStrahm), and more of the puppet

[starjxsung]

hi hi baby!! how are you?

i saw that you got ateez tickets!!! how exciting!! did you end up getting vip?👀👀👀

spirited away and howl’s moving castle are my absolute most comforting ghibli movies. buuuut i think my fav is probably princess mononoke, i just think it’s sooooo beautiful and sad. but i love them all so much (except earwig, we don’t claim her). i can literally talk about studio ghibli for hours nonstop.

i hope thinking of me when you see baku is a good thing for you bc that’s so sweet😭 we need more baku representation. i went to hot topic today and saw a wallet that had kuromi and him<3 the revolution is starting

ahhhh i didn’t know you got a bbokari & han quokka <3 we love that for you! i really want to get one of each eventually. but i really want a han quokka or dwaekki next. i love the fact that you crochet clothes for them😭

the situation with your professor too, like wtf bro. i hate professors that don’t have an ounce of empathy. they forget they’re freaking human too. i really don’t like that, in my case it really sucks because she’s a literal licensed psychologist. so she should AT LEAST as a part of her competencies comprehend that people have personal problems. she also gave us the hardest time yesterday for the work that none of us submitted (that was due at the start of the semester) because we didn’t send it in. when she was the one that didn’t open or even publish it so we could submit it. she said it must’ve been a problem with the platform (we also use the platform for our courses and it can be messy but it doesn’t just remove content just because). like, she couldn’t even admit that it was her own error too. like honestly, i hate this whole ego trip that professors live in. like, what possesses them. but yeah, whatever, she’s one of the main directors of the program so imma have like a million other courses with her so i can’t really be an asshole to her too or she’ll try to fail me probs <3

anyways bb thanks for your support! i really appreciate it so much! thanks for always giving us a safe space here. i’m feeling better now and a bit more hopeful. i love you and appreciate you, pls know that im always here for you too<3

(and fuck ch*rlie p*th <3, i feel bad for skz bc i love them but im not supporting this featuring at all either. they just get thee worst collabs like tommy hilfiger is such a shitty brand, coca cola sucks and now this bish. they can’t catch a break)

i love you darling! i hope you’re well and taking care of yourself <3

-🐈‍⬛

HI BABYYYYY ATEEZ TICKETS SECUREDDDDD I’m going to Oakland and then flying to LA the same week to see them again!!!! And then I leave a week later for lollapalooza LMFAOAOOFFJFJ IT IS GOING TO BE A HECTICCCCC WEEK BUT IM SOOOOO EXCITED 🫶

Princess Mononoke is a fucking masterpiece oh my got and the SOUNDTRACK…….. probably one of the best scores I’ve ever listened to 😭 ALSO EARWIG HOLY FUCKKKK I block that movie out of my memory because it’s so bad 😭 what were they thinking!!!! I kept thinking it was gonna go somewhere and it just never did and then it just ended HWELLOPPPO IT’S SO FUNNY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT ??!:?:?:? 😭

I love my skzoos !!!! I’ll send pics when I crochet them more clothes (in several months bc I’m lazy🫶)

Professors LOOOOOVE to sit on their high horse and act like they want you to succeed and then pull the most out of pocket shit ever that’s a literal recipe for failure. And then they wonder why so many people fail their class 😀 absolutely insane that a licensed psychologist wouldn’t think mental health to be a legitimate issue, but I digress! Professors are always right and everything they do is correct! They certainly know how to use online platforms for work submission too! 🙃 WILD. I hope she doesn’t pull that shit again and I’m so sorry you have to deal with her for more courses ☹️ I’m rooting for you so hard and you’re always welcome to shit talk her on here WE HATE BAD PROFESSORS ON BLOGGGG™️ 🫶🫶🫶

Oh my god finally someone else who also hates Tommy Hilfiger RAHHHH their founder is apparently super racist too ???? And their clothes are somehow unnecessarily expensive for being so boring and colorless. Idol fashion has gotten so boring I miss when idols would wear weird and colorful streetwear fashion 😭

I LOVE YOU BBYYYYY it’s almost the end of the week hang in there my love !!!! 🫶💓💕💗💞💖💘

[artichokefunction]

you are in a nice suit, you are dressed up all smart and proper and normal, your hair has been styled in a way that you are not allowed to mess with, and you are uncomfortable. you are wearing a less functional and less eye catching mask to match your less functional and less eye catching gear. you are limited to a single handgun, tucked away to be discreet and hard to access, and you won't even be able to print new bullets for it without getting these layers off first. this sucks.

these contact lenses feel weird. you're not allowed to pick at your face, you're not allowed to fidget 'too much'. your task is to look normal, and not make a scene. you don't even have to do the hard part, answering questions, that's what the handler's doing. your hear the person she's talking to ask him [so, how long have you and your... partner been together?] and you go back to not listening, and scanning the crowd for potential hostiles. there are none. this venue is very safe, physically. you have to be normal and presentable and not weird and not scary. you adjust your pose to look slightly more human. you keep your breathing even. you don't avoid eye contact but you don't look at anyone for too long either. you think you're pulling this off. probably. you focus on where your gun is stowed, in your calf, nestled between the synthetic and organic muscles. wait- no you don't. you're thinking about normal and non threatening things. totally. nothing to see here. the weapons scanner triggered on you on your way in but they let you in anyway, they were 'informed' of your 'special circumstances', which is already too much intel for them to have on you, as far as you're concerned.

a waiter comes around with a tray of drinks in delicate little glasses. the handler is offered one, and they take one for you as well. they hand it to you, and linger on you for a second. ah, yeah. you move your mask the minimum amount necessary to sip whatever this drink is. it tastes like alcohol, gross, but your systems don't clock any actual poison. you raise the glass in a gesture you hope looks friendly, and the handler nods slightly, and turns back to the people she was talking to. his dress swishes around her legs as she does, the soft loops of red and purple and pink twisting into each other delicately. this whole event is so weird and delicate and pretty. you feel so dangerous and strange, shadowing your friend, avoiding prolonged eye contact. you adjust your grip on this glass to be less likely to shatter it and to make sure the skin looks normal. god, if someone looks too hard at you, it's over. you fiddle with the skin of your hand again, trying to make it look like it sits on top of muscle instead of metal. you feel like it looks slightly worse now. fuck. the handler moves back to address you again, whoever they were talking to has finally left. [we were very lucky to be invited here, the networking opportunities are bountiful.] their tone is weird as hell because their primary objective is to spill nothing, to not give away any valuable information. neither of you know how much data is being collected and from where. you have a nonzero amount of data storage and processing tech in your brain and chest which is why you need to be careful of how loudly you think about certain topics. this is so weird. this all sucks.

the handler is moving towards a table with a bunch of fragile little pastries on it and an atypical heat source underneath. it's a machine. you can't tell what it does and you don't want to risk it. you take their elbow, trying your fucking hardest to be gentle and normal, and direct them to a different table of powdery little sweets with no detectable unknowns hidden underneath. she takes some for himself and offers one to you, and you decline it. you really want to avoid having that powder texture on your hands right now. you put down the fragile little glass, and you wonder if it's bad etiquette, somehow, to not leave it on a coaster or something. you can't see where other people put their glasses when they're done. maybe they're just collected up and swept out of sight. there's someone new talking to the handler now, and they're dressed in silver and white to match the walls and the tablecloths and the long tall curtains. that's something they would do if this was their venue. they're moving with a calm confidence that supports that idea. and they're smiling in a way that might be fake? that might be what faces normally look like. that might be what their face normally looks like. you're no better at reading what a face means now then when you were a kid. that's what the handler is good at, the talking and the parties and all. you can't read her face either but that's pretty normal for an interaction like this. they're talking about, like, a trade or a sale? some sort of business endeavour. that's also pretty normal. the person in silver drifts over to the table with the pastries and the unknown device, says something about how delicious these are and offers one to the handler. technically that's normal too. you stay close to them.

[We understand that you are one of the best engineers in the world when it comes to designing for modern security concerns, and we are interested in facilitating your technological developments with our resources.]

[thank you, but I am content with my current resources, and am not looking to expand or share. my designs are all proprietary, i'm sure you understand.]

[Mmm, I do understand. And I trust that you understand that by refusing this partnership, you are turning down an opportunity to be on the cutting edge when it comes to understanding what might be used against you, what exactly you need to be secure *against*.]

and they say more but you don't really listen because they've reached behind them to pick up a device from the table that looked a bit like something to pick up food but you can see now is connected to a cable that goes down through the table. and you don't like that. you step in front of the handler just in case and yYYYYYYYYYYYYYyou are on the floor. you are injured. you are injured everywhere maybe? that doesn't make sense. your face is slick with something. it might be one of those drinks. but no, it's under your mask and it tastes like metal. so it's blood from your nose. one of your eyes is non functional. you can't tell which. that's a shame, if the attack affected either the organic or the synthetic eye but not both that would be valuable intel to learn about the nature of the attack. the attack was bad, you think. you can't really move. you feel like a plastic bag full of jello. no, pudding. in a burnt plastic bag. with holes melted into it. theyre still talking, over your head. it sounds, uhh, dramatic. like from a show. where the good guy stands up to the bad guy and something something. it's been a while since you felt this bad. you don't want to focus on that. you try to listen to what they're saying above you. above? it doesn't feel like 'up' but you're pretty sure the sound is coming from 'not the floor'. it's never a good sign when your sense of direction gets busted. urgh.

[-incorrect yet again. it isn't a tool and it isn't for sale, it's a *person* and it's my *friend*. and-]

you lose a chunk of time, you think, because next the floor is gone and that was your only tethering point and you feel like your spinning wildly and exploding or collapsing or something and in place of the floor there are hands. lots of them? more then just one pair. that's weird. but people are nice sometimes, maybe. so you've been told. you really hope you're not getting blood on any of those nice formal outfits. that would be bad. you notice the handler, talking like she knows what he's doing, like he knows how to fix this, and around the same time you notice a low anxious grating noise being made in the back of your throat. you try to remember what was installed there and you fail. you try to stop making that noise and you fail less. and now she's saying something else and addressing it directly to you and you try very hard to pay attention and you're on a floor again. no wait. a table. the repairs table in the truck. and the handler is moving at impossible speeds between all the little cables connected to your various silicon maintenance panels and the control pc. or wait. maybe they're moving normally and you're just processing things abysmally slow. hm. this seems like a disaster scenario to be honest. but there's music playing. it's from the drums and synths album that you like. it's good to count. and the more you count it the less too-fast it feels. your heart rate starts to even out. and the handler laughs from over by the computer. they say something as they turn you over to access another panel but you don't catch it. but that feels more okay now. no danger. you're still in the van, just lying on your face instead of your back now. and the handler is still here and the music you like is still playing. and you feel safe.

[moccahobi]

July and August Reads

Every time I write these, I am in awe at how fast the months go by. I won't bore you all with the same conversation about wishing to have read more because it seems like the pace I have been reading is about as average of a pace I can do. Which is ok! I read a lot of books but I struggle to read on my phone anymore and I think that has been one of my biggest barriers lately. I have another tangent about a big barrier for me atm but I want to reserve that for a reblog and not clog the original post from the amazing fics that I did read these two months.

Note: While I do not have a minors DNI mention on my blog, please remember to check the authors about me and/or headers and respect the boundaries they set about who they want reading their blogs~

BTS MxR

Drunken Confessions (Seokjin x Reader) ( @hoseokhasmyheartxx)

When you go to pick your best friend up from the bar, the last thing you're expecting is a drunken confession.

Warnings: alcohol consumption

SFW 

1k

Fluff, Non-Idol AU, Friends to Something

Ahhhh! This is such an adorable fic! I love how Steph took the idea of drunk words being sober truths and ran with it with this confession scene! It's such a great play on it! Anyone who loves fluffy confessions and (rightfully) hesitant main characters will LOVE this cute little fic! Truly it left my heart fuzzy and happy! 

Period Pooh (Jungkook x Reader) ( @vvh0adie )

After a long week of work, your week can only get better with a pregnancy scare. You really don’t need this especially when you already take care of your biggest baby, Jungkook. And he seems to be taking this the hardest. Either way you two will get through this together.

Warnings: mature language, anxiety, sexual language, feelings of emotional neglect, allusions to abortion, allusions to sex, allusions to assisted masturbation, pregnancy scare, excessive eating, parenthood talk

5.6k

Angst, Fluff, Established Relationship

Note: this fic is in a series but it can be read alone.

If you enjoy raunchy humor and a vast display of love languages, this is the fic for you! I loved the ways in which Plym showed the MC and Jungkook expressing their love for each other through the various love languages! Acts of service, words, gifts, time together. Even with their suggestive humor, they’re big softies for each other and it really shines through! Although this fic deals with some heavy topics, Plym keeps the story light as the MC and Jungkook try to comfort each other. It was such a great read!

BTS MxM

Better Left Untouched (Namkook) (AO3)

With a simple touch, Namjoon can hear thoughts. Jeongguk has a very good reason to never let him touch.

Warnings: No archive warnings apply

6.8k

Idol AU, Fluff, Supernatural 

OMG OMG OMG I'm going to preface this review with saying that after I read this fic I binged a bunch of other stuff in this author's masterlist. I'm obsessed with their writing! Especially in this piece, I found myself getting sucked in to the softness and the poetic waxing of everything that was happening. They balance tension and fluff so well and I absolutely loved the amount of non-sexual intimacy that was present in this fic. So often I feel like intimacy is very focused on sexual aspects, and as an ace person that doesn't really immerse me in a story as much as those non-sexual moments of intimacy that's just full of fluff. And this fic is just absolutely talked full of that and I loved it!

Heard them Talk (Namkook) (AO3)

The guy reaches for Namjoon’s tail again and Jeongguk can’t take minding his own business anymore. Gym bag thrown to the ground, his feet carry him forward in a thoughtless fury. “Don’t fucking touch my boyfriend!” he hollers and shoves the guy’s hand away.

Warnings: No archive warnings apply, multiple sex scenes, bullying

NSFW

24.7k

Fluff, Light Angst, Smut Hybrid AU, Supernatural AU, Fake Dating

Okay! Another fic by this amazing author and I absolutely love the ways in which both Namjoon and Jungkook have parallel struggles that they're going through. As a hybrid and a mostly non-hybrid area and a person with a bunny daemon, they both face a lot of scrutiny from the town that they're in. And they're insecurities because of this really parallel each other in a way that both keeps tension going, allows them to understand each other, and really just leads to such a beautiful connection between them. It also has some really fun scenes of them learning about each other and their experiences and way of life. It was just so enjoyable. 

Pufferfish (Namgi) (AO3)

Namjoon finds a battered, unconscious mermaid on the beach one morning and takes him home.

Warnings: No archive warnings apply, sex scenes, allusions to violence

NSFW

10.6k

Fluff, Smut, Mermaid AU, 

I absolutely love mermaid centered stories! And this one had such an interesting opening plot, with Namjoon just wanting to help Yoongi and inadvertently hurting him… but Yoongi just such a flexible person and he quickly adjusts to the world of humans. Through the story we really see friendships and romance bloom and an interesting conversation about the stereotypical path of a romantic relationship and the conflict that might come into play if you don't follow that traditional path.

Unfamiliars (Sope) (AO3)

Hoseok rescues a kitty in a summer storm. Thanks to some weird magic, Yoongi is that kitty. In a tiny apartment full of plants and moonlight, a simple, aching happiness blooms. But with what Jungkook knows, how long can the happiness last?

Warnings: No archive warnings apply, loneliness, unhoused moments, depression, multiple sex scenes

NSFW

Fluff, Angst, Shifter AU, Witch AU

NVOVNEVONEOCNWOGNEOCNEOFNEOFNDODNCODNDKCK WHEN I SAY I INHALED THIS! I'm a sucker for hybrid/shifter aus. If you looked at my older stuff and looked at some of the works that I beta, I really started exploring supernatural stories through hybrid aus. I find them so fun and there's really so much you can do with them and this story is such a great example of the many things you can do with them and the many paths you can take. It was such a bingeable and excitable read and each chapter I was left hanging on the edge of my seat and needing to know more!

[quietquaking]

i’m copy/pasting a conversation i just had with my partner on mental health to here in the hopes that it might help some people. so, here we go.

*tw*: mild mentions of suicidal thoughts

my partner: i’m sorry i’m not getting better. it’s my fault.

me: there’s no reason to be sorry. and it’s not your fault.

partner: how the fuck is it not my fault

me: ok lemme try and armchair-diagnose you real quick

i’m guessing you think it’s your fault because things aren’t getting better. despite the much larger amounts of mental health representation in media these days, most of it is of people getting better. this can be good to see, but it’s also very discouraging for people still stuck in their traumatic situations, such as yourself. you compare your minimal amount of progress to theirs, and feel like you’re doing something wrong. you may also blame yourself because, quite honestly, you don’t really want to get better. maybe because you think you deserve it, or because your struggle defines your personality and you don’t think you’ll be anybody without it. or, like you said, you see the lack of progress and see what you’re doing to slow it down as well. ok. time to disprove all of those reasons.

for one, the fact that you’re not getting better is entirely expected. this is because you are still stuck in the trauma that is highschool and your household. it is quite literally impossible to get better when you are still actively getting hurt. there is no way to go about it. the main thing to do is survive, so that you have the chance to heal afterwards.

on the topic of part of you not wanting to get better, for if that’s something that applies to you. there’s really no scientific or logical way to dispel this one, so i’ll do what i can, which is offering my own personal experiences as an example. i was in that exact scenario. i came out of eighth grade a depressed, guilty, anxious, suicidal mess. for a variety of reasons. then, i started feeling a little bit better. immediately, i got so guilty and tried to make myself be depressed again. i thought i didn’t deserve the happiness, that it would prove everything i went through was just me being dramatic, and altogether fake. i also thought without my jokes about my sleep deprivation, eating habits, and suicidal wishes, i wouldn’t have a personality. i would turn bland and normal, sink into the masses of other teens who are marginally ok with everything, and disappear. well, it didn’t happen. i was slowly convinced/forced by my friends that i did deserve something better, if not happiness then at least a lack of depression. i let it go, and my issues faded, became less up-front and in my face. they’re still there now, but since i don’t hold them to close to myself, they’re much easier to handle. and, i grew a personality. you’ve seen it for yourself- i’ve grown into a flourishing young person, with lots of hobbies and talents and friends, and i actually enjoy my life, at least sometimes. it can sound impossible, and fake, and it’s easy to respond with “oh sure it worked for you, but it won’t for me”. but that’s not something you can know unless you actually give it a chance. just try. let go of your demons, and let them coexist, rather than clinging to you like an evil little thing ready to suck out all your dopamine.

now the hardest one. your own faults being magnified. you see yourself, the depressed, anxious, worn-out version that is the only one you can find. and you see the things you may be doing wrong, slowing down your own progress, digging your heels into the mountain you built out of self-hate and refusing to move forward. you connect the two, and see yourself as the problem. i won’t lie. you’re not perfect, nobody is. you’re definitely doing some things that don’t help anything, and very possibly make things worse. but that does not mean you are to blame. you are not the one that started the cycle of neglect and blame and abuse in your household. you are not the one that instigated the bullying and harassment from the assholes at school and your brother. if someone else started a fire, and you added a single log, would you blame yourself for the forest burning?

you are not the reason you are hurting. you are not the reason you’re not getting better. you can, of course, improve your own behavior, as everybody can. but you are not the root of the problem, and you have no reason to blame yourself.

(there is more if anyone is interested but i feel like this post is already long enough)

[5mcsinatrenchcoat]

25. They accidentally hurt or upset their partner. What happened? How do they respond? What do they do to make their partner feel better?

For vice/karlach?

Also fun to see another karlach! If you don't mind me asking, how did you come up with the name Vice?

Okay, finally getting to answer, sorry for the wait ahah

This is actually an interesting one, 'cause for the most part Vice and Karlach get along disgustingly well - and if something does come up then they're both as quick to simmer down as they are to anger (in regards to people they love anyway). HOWEVER, there's a certain topic which is tricky both in the headcanon realm AND is related to the moment when I received the loudest disapproval from Karlach in the actual game.

And that would be her condition, of course.

Now, Vice is doing her best to be the most supportive, present and understanding girlfriend there. Whenever the topic arises she's trying her hardest to be all 'fuck yeah's and all. She's also, however, traumatized by losing her parents and her older-sister-figure, aka the most important people of her developmental years, each and every time being utterly helpless to do anything. Which is why in actuality she's quietly losing her mind whenever thoughts of what's to come catch up to her.

Where this does leak through especially hard is in the matter of soul coins and Karlach being all 'It'll be fiiiiine' about using those. The most vocal disapproval I ever got from Karlach was when Vice tried to refuse that one vendor giving them more coins. Which leads me to this:

I think the biggest chance Vice has at truly upsetting Karlach is by treating her differently because of her engine. They're both barbarian tanks and were matching each other on the field ever since they met, so if Vice starts slowly slipping up in seeing her as more... fragile, almost, if she starts butting heads with her over the coins like she knows her engine and its limits better than Karlach herself, THAT'S gotta hurt. Because Karlach, clearly, wants to live the rest of her life to the fullest, whatever reckless behavior that entails, and not be fucking babysat. Or, got forbid, lectured or ordered on HER condition after ten years of not having any autonomy.

Is Vice well-intentioned in her worry - of course, is she somewhat right - maybe (really, Karlach, is setting yourself on even more fire wise). Does she suddenly get any authority on how Karlach should live with her affliction or what she's capable of? Hells no, of course. Not to mention that Karlach would clearly rather not be reminded of it all that often, let alone let it stop or limit her. And to get it shoved in her face by a loved one? How fucking dare.

(I'm piggybacking a lot off of my own mother, who's thankfully NOT terminally ill in any capacity, but suffers from a condition where it's recommended she stops doing any physical labor. She doesn't stop. And she does get upset and angry when we pester her about it, because she just wants to keep doing things she was always capable of doing, regardless of how unsafe it is for her now, and doesn't appreciate being reminded of the fact that she's 'falling apart'. Not the best way to treat your sudden disability, but a human and stubborn one nevertheless.)

I can see a major fight about that happening at least once, with Vice having zero awareness of where she overstepped until told upfront. She got so sucked in into the leader role of caring about the group and steering them clear from bad choices that she briefly forgot that that's not what Karlach needs at all.

She'd have a lot of stuff to grapple with. Because at the very least watching Karlach's engine was one thing she could do. If she stops doing that as well, then it's back to the helplessness again, which, as mentioned, is the worst.

She would ultimately apologize, of course. And they'd surely talk it through, because for barbarians they're really fucking great at talking about their problems and such. Perhaps they even agreed to at the very least ditch the coin usage for good, as a compromise.

Vice also probably deliberately lead the party in some another monster cave for a yet another epic fight just to blow some steam off AND demonstrate genuine effort at change in the process. The rest of the party is less than impressed, but oh well. If her girl gets inspired and hyped by kicking yet another creature's ass and sees that she's not treating her as weak at all, it's worth it.

-----

When I was creating Vice I went to read about tiefling names and was fascinated by the concept of virtue names. So I looked through a huge bunch of suggestions and examples and I really liked Vice so that's what I named her. It ended up not suiting her personality very much, but considering that she took it all the way back when she was a teenage troublemaker it makes sense. As things stand now though, her vices have also become her strengths, which in a way honors her virtue name perfectly.

[courseoflove]

Questions

You have lots of questions for Harry and he tries his best to answer each of them.

a/n: hiiiii, think it’s been almost a year since I last posted my writing and I’m finally back! thanks to @oh-honey-styles‘s new fic slam prompts, I was able to curate something I liked enough to share. usually it’d take me lotssss of drafts to be satisfied and happy with something but this one only took 2! I hope you enjoy it and pleaaaaseee be kind ⭐️😸 I’d love to hear your thoughts!

warning: this is just pureee filth. not really smut, but filthy regardless.

Word Count: 1,775

Harry’s forest eyes ogle straight at you, lips pressed in a tight line and twitching on one side to form a smirk that he tried his very best not to show.

That was definitely the last thing he expected to come out of your mouth. He thought you just needed help with something minuscule, like putting together new furniture, fixing the wifi, or help pick out an outfit; things you’ve urgently called him about before. He never, ever thought you’d call him one day and ask for this, a lesson on blowjobs out of all things.

Luckily, sex has never been a taboo topic between the two of you, considering he’s the first person you yell to when you’re letting out your frustrations about your lack of experiences, or vice versa when he just had an intercourse dilemma that continues to leave an everlasting impact on him. But when you’re asking him about giving good oral pleasure, his brain is suddenly void of any thoughts that should help the situation at hand.

“Quit smirking at me, I’m serious!” Harry flinches when you throw a pillow at him from across the other side of the sofa, instantly wiping the smirk off of his face and instead letting out a soft chuckle when he successfully catches it. You throw him an intense yet jest glare, “just. Today at work. I dunno. I just need to know. I want to know.”

“How d’you suppose I do that?” he asks cautiously, leaning forward to settle his elbows on his knees and prop his chin up with the palm of his hand, “teach you, I mean.”

You’re usually never embarrassed around Harry, despite the many weird and unusual conversations you’ve both had during sobriety and drunkenness. You don’t remember ever feeling even the slightest bit awkward or sheepish when you told him about how IUDs work, or giving him a very vivid description of how exactly you feel during your menstruation cycle. He takes it all in and listens with amusement, sometimes with a bowl of extra-buttered popcorn on his lap.

But right now, in this exact moment, you feel slightly skittish and jittery, as if blowjobs were something you’re just now learning about. He can sense it, especially with the way you’re averting your gaze from his eyes to the silent flatscreen tv nailed on your wall — thanks to him. You’re also doing that thing he constantly scolds you for whenever you’re anxious and nervous, chewing ferociously on your bottom lip and squeezing your fingers into a fist to the point your nails will sink on your palm and pop your veins.

“Stop that, you’ll bleed,” he cuts the silence off, “and answer my question.”

You unclench your fist and turn towards him again, barely making eye contact and instead looking at the lovely framed painting hung on the wall behind him, “maybe just describe it?”

“It’s really not that complicated,” was all Harry said. He leans back against your soft couch, taking both of your feet with his hands and settling them on his lap to crack each of your toes. You flinch a little on his first try, turning your focus and watching his fingers work against your skin, “think of a lollipop. Or popsicles, something of the sorts. You put it in your mouth and just… suck. Lick. Move your mouth, without the teeth.”

Suck. Lick. Move your mouth; the words that tumbles out of his lips causes you to flush, your whole body heating up and turning beet red, the color dancing across your nose and emphasizing your imperfections flawlessly.

What Harry said was pretty accurate. It’s not as detailed as you want but you don’t really know how to ask for that without feeling mortified and even more flustered. He said it exactly how it is; you just put your mouth around it, suction your cheeks, use your tongue and bob your head. But you feel like there was something missing, as if there should be more to that. Well, because there is. You want to know more.

His fingers have started to dance their way to your calf, squeezing the deep tissues there in a tender and leisure massage to try and get rid of your tensed muscles. You’re wincing in between syllables when you finally speak after a couple of seconds, “question. It might be weird. Just… just tell me if you don’t wanna answer.”

His eyes lock with yours when he hums for you to continue, a strand of curl falling over his forehead and tickling his brow while his bottom lip gets caught in between his teeth in concentration. He presses his warm hands on your leg forcefully and harder and it helps calm your nerves and neurons, your habit of overthinking in situations like this disappearing little by little the more he moves. The lack of poise you had minutes ago is lessening and your question is on the tip of your tongue, ready to burst at the seams and be voiced aloud.

With your face turning a lot redder and goosebumps developing on your skin from head to toe out of the blue, you ask with your voice a little lower than it was a while ago, “will you tell me what you like? When.. you know.”

Harry’s movements quickly halt. Another unexpected turn. Another question he never, ever thought would come out of your mouth to ask him.

He lets go of his lip and keeps his mouth agape, irises instantaneously dilating and darkening under your lemon-yellow light and turning them into an even darker shade, like a week old leaf. His brain performs a short circuit for a few moments that passes by in silence before he finally swallows and says, “you want to know what I like when I’m getting head?”

“Yeah,” you shrug, feeling even more ridiculous the more you look into his eyes and open your mouth, “I mean, you have the most experience out of the two of us. That’s why I asked in the first place, but I feel — I feel like your first answer doesn’t really — it’s just not satisfying me. There has to be more to it than just.. sucking, I dunno.”

Sure, you talk to one another about sex casually; what one undergos and encounters and what the other simply has no preconceived notions of. Harry would tell his stories in the least disgusting way possible, knowing you’ll groan out loud and tease him about it if he gives away any sort of detail, but there was almost always zero utterance on your end. No lingering and continuous curiosity. You asking about what he likes when he’s getting head is very much unforeseen and maybe even a bit… amiss, especially for you.

However, he can detect a genuine inquisitiveness in your expression. You’re probably one of the hardest people to read on the surface, but he senses that there was more to that interest than just simply wanting to know. At least, he’s hoping there is.

You cross your arms over your chest, feeling a bit weird now the more he gawks at you and doesn’t make a single move to respond. You open your mouth to backtrack when his hesitancy becomes clear, but before you can even take your question back, he’s already mouthing a three-syllable word out loud, “mouth-fucking.”

A low gasp leaves your mouth and the sound doesn’t miss Harry’s eardrums. He should want to take it back, shove the words back in his throat and never say it again despite not being able to. Still and all, he realizes that he likes what you asked and the fact he gave you an answer, a brief one but an honest and precise answer nonetheless. The way your skin warms against the palm of his hands makes him start to sweat, your bare face becoming even more flushed if possible. You don’t really know what kind of answer your mind presumed, but it obviously wasn’t that.

You’re aware of Harry’s self-confidence and boldness when it comes to sex. He has lots of it and it doesn’t come as a surprise. So when he opens his mouth again to explain exactly what he meant, you were able to hold your second gasp back and instead listen in. You can just imagine how filthy he is in bed, considering the description he gives you seems to be even more graphic and explicit, “like normal sex, but I’m doing it to their mouth. I like the sound, the sloppiness of it all, it fuels me. I like being in control, I guess, and no one wants a dry blowjob. I like it really wet.”

You startle both yourself and him when you utter, “what else?”

Harry clears his throat and looks away from your eyes, not because of discomfort because there was absolutely none, but for the reason that the more he stares the more he pictures you inside his head doing exactly what he was evoking. He blinks a couple of times in an attempt to get rid of the colorful conception, yet it just becomes even more lucid and clear-cut. He tries to distract himself by continuing to answer your questions. It definitely doesn’t help. It just drags the mental image on.

“I like it when they let me come down their throat, then swallow it. Or when — when the aftermath of pure bliss just overtakes my entire body. Like, they just pull away for a second then suck me right back in,” the skin on your legs feel sticky under his hold. You swallow at his dazed appearance and tiny smirk, as if he’s picturing it all in his head. And he is, “yeah. I like that a lot.”

Somehow it’s gotten a lot warmer inside the tiny space of your living room, every corner closing in on the two of you in your peripheral vision and you can’t exactly make out the tingling sensation on the tip of your fingers and in between your thighs. Well, you do. You know you’re undoubtedly turned on but acting clueless and ignoring it would be the best way to handle it.

You ask him one more question, the last one you’ll emit for the rest of the evening, “and how was it for them?”

Harry turns his head, connecting his darkened eyes with yours. There’s an indecipherable message written all over his handsome face. His voice is heavy, raspier and deeper with his accent when he answers for the last time, a specific implication behind his tone, “one of these days, you’ll see.”

[mentallydatingahotcelebrity]

Ok. I am pissed off over the Shitshow tonight.

Specifically:

“There’s no Thor without Loki, and there’s no Loki without Thor.”

I hate the show for its crap writing, bad acting, and shit direction (Herron sucks, I don’t give a fuck what you think; she’s bad. Might improve with time and experience, but that remains to be seen). But I’m realizing that I also hate the show because it did NOTHING to further Loki’s character personality. We learned NOTHING about his personality. NOTHING. “Oh, oh but MJ we did!!” You cry, like a moron.

No, scone, we didn’t.

“Oh but MJ, we learned he likes princes and princesses!!!”

Did we learn that? Did we really? Or were we just TOLD THAT?

Bingo—anything so-called “new” we learned about Loki we were TOLD through vomit exposition from the characters. Loki “doesn’t like killing”, he cries—and proceeds throughout the entirety of the series to have no problems wielding a knife against anyone he perceives as a threat. Loki “likes boys as well as girls”, he says softly—but all he does is moon over female characters/shittily attempt to charm them. Loki is a selfish narcissist who enjoys causing people pain, he managed to bite out after being kicked in the balls fifty thousand times—this is the same Loki who, in every previous encounter with causing people he cares for pain, sheds tears and looks as if it killed a portion of his soul to commit that violence.

The entire story of the Shitshow is telling the audience how they should properly interpret the character known as Loki—instead of showing them through the character’s behavior.

But let me come back to the fact that this entire waste of six and a half hours didn’t embellish Loki’s personality any further. It didn’t illuminate him at all or give us further internal knowledge about him. We learned nothing about what he thinks, how he feels, and what his problem-solving thought patterns are. The series completely failed to build on ANY of the foundations for Loki’s character leading up to it. In fact, the SINGULAR TIME it used previous data was simply to rerun scenes (an UTTER waste of time) to torture Loki emotionally for thirty-odd minutes (in reality it was just to torture the audience with memories of the character incarnation we liked better, but that’s a topic for another time…). But apart from that… Loki just floated. We never learned what “makes a Loki a Loki” or why Loki DOES ANYTHING. Because the show NEVER GOT INTO LOKI’S HEAD. It stayed artfully superficial. We had the APPEARANCE of getting into Loki’s emotions and mentality without actually diving in and getting to the nitty gritty. Fuck it all we got more from Sylvie-Sue than the alleged main character!!!

What makes Loki himself has absolutely nothing to do with the shit the show tried to spew, but everything to do with the fact that Loki is who he is because he cares so fucking much that it rips him apart mentally until he can’t see the forest for the trees. Loki isn’t driven by narcissism and ego—he’s driven by FEAR. The fear of FAILURE. Of being unsatisfactory. Of being insubstantial. Of being powerless. Loki is who he is because of perfectionism and anxiety and paranoia that everyone is looking at him and expecting his failure, so he has to study the hardest and endure the longest to keep the laughter that doesn’t exist at bay. Loki is always eight steps ahead because he’s insecure and consumed by the dread of mockery.

In this show, we should have established that most of what motivates Loki is fear, and longing. He wants to be good enough, to belong, to be seen, to be needed. And we should have received a resolution of him discovering that HE HAD ALL THOSE THINGS. We should have had a moment with Frigga, a moment with Odin, a moment with Thor. We should have had confessions and forgiveness. SOME GODDAMN CLOSURE, and some building on the foundations of the previous films Loki showed up in.

We should’ve had a call back to Loki knowing the paths between realms, of “the sun will shine on us again”, of “am I not your mother?”/“you’re not”, of “a master of magic”, of “we were going to use you to bring about peace between the realms… but none of that matters anymore”, of “you truly are the worst brother”, of “you think you know pain? He will make you long… for something sweet as pain”.

Instead all we got was BULLSHIT, and a bizarre as fuck toxic forced relationship struggling to pass itself off as some sort of romance?!?!???

This Shitshow could not be any more a waste of time and resources than it is. Truly the most wretched thing DisneyMarvel has done since Captain Marvel. Utterly useless and advancing to nothing except MAAAAAYBE the multiverse. And even that is on thin fucking ice.