#thoughtsdump

[mangomilkshaek]

"mihashi was a replacement for haruna to abe" this "akimaru was a replacement for abe to haruna" that. have we ever considered that, after finding out haruna was probably waiting for akimaru this whole time after claiming (lying to everyone and himself) that he gave up on him in elementary school, haruna probly thought of abe as a replacement for akimaru.

akimaru, who used to be the only one who could catch his pitches, suddenly lost interest in baseball in elementary school. and haruna, who didn't know that he himself was the cause of this change, felt betrayed and frustrated that his passion for the sport stopped being reciprocated, and so he ended up "giving up" on akimaru.

this grave misunderstanding continued into their middle school years. so when haruna sprained his knee, and akimaru avoided him even further out of fear, their already strained relationship became worse because none of them ever talked about it. haruna who was already mad at baseball, and his best friend who used to be his comrade in the sport, was ready to give up on the entire thing completely.

that is, until this catcher a year below him came along in todakita. and he found that someone out there CAN catch his pitches. someone who doesnt have to be akimaru. having realized this, he slowly regained passion for baseball. but he was still kind of a jerk vulnerable teenage boy then, so we all know how that ended. still haruna went on to become an extraordinary pitcher, ace, and captain.

akimaru followed haruna into highschool. he was content with being haruna's lackey, a "wall", someone to catch his pitches, unaware of his own identity as a person and abilities as a baseball player. haruna was frustrated with this, and regarded akimaru to be disposable as a catcher. he was betrayed and disgusted at his lack of passion (something he caused btw... stupid ass). the whole time he was in denial of his desire for akimaru to become his equal, instead of someone who serves him. unlike haruna who was able to recover from their strained friendship and relationship with baseball (through abe), akimaru didnt regain his passion for the sport, until the autumn match against nishiura.

akimaru actually has great skill as a catcher, he can see stuff about pitches that others cant. now that he's locked in, paired with haruna's pitching and with their weird telepathic communication. these two have crazy potential as a battery. heck they could even make it to koushien.

tldr: haruaki is so fucking peak of a childhood friends duo

idk it's 1:20 am and im prolly stupid and im prolly pulling shit out of my ass rn but this thought just occured to me while taking a piss and listening to fake plastic trees by radiohead and i havent thought about it a lot bc im sleepy and tired and gay and stupid and pulling shit out of my ass

[pagesiwontburn]

the start of all that was never spoken

I've spent most of my life struggling to define myself, and to understand who I am and what I am supposed to be. I've landed in other people's expectations, in my own fears and doubts, and the quiet space where I am just. here, existing. There are things too big to put into words, so I say them here. This is where I don't have to explain. Where I can simply be.

I won’t burn these pages, even if they’re messy, confusing, or incomplete. These are the moments, the thoughts, the parts of me I’ve kept hidden, waiting for a place to belong.

maybe no one will read this. maybe someone will. Either way, it’s mine.

[pencileraser1]

u were keatposting in my asks. now i must do the same in yours since my brain is so obviously filled with him. share ur keating thoughts i know theyre hiding in there!!!!!!!!

i'm just gonna thoughtsdump about this it might not be coherent?but here we go

a lot of my keating thoughts are kind of depressing uh

i think the really tragic thing about this movie (or one of them i guess) is that in the end basically everything that happened likely didn't matter enough in the long term. and one of the biggest losses is that i kind of do think that after keating left, almost none of the students would continue to apply what he taught them. the biggest exceptions to this would be todd and sort of half charlie, i do pretty much agree with the post canon idea that it's likely that todd would end up an english teacher. and i think that he's probably the only person who would genuinely continue to actually apply what keating taught him. charlie i think would continue to be rebellious for a bit longer and then eventually sort of fall in line with what his parents wanted from him in the end, the best outcome is probably that he'd go on to be some sort of artist but i don't think it's super likely that that's what he'd do long term/all the time if that makes sense. for the rest of the poets, i think they'd all go back to how they were before pre-keating. i think you mentioned that neil was really the person who understood keatings lessons the best, which i agree with, and him dying likely prevented the rest of the poets from really getting it before keating left. basically my thought about this is that at the end of the movie, todd and keating are both fundamentally changed, but the rest of the poets aren't, and how much they were able to change is not enough to create a lasting impact.

on a lighter note someone said that possibly the most impressive mark of what keating did was that hopkins stood up on the desk at the end. and while i think that the combination of todd being able to stand up on his desk first, and how keating and neil made it possible to do so is more impressive, i think it maybe comes in in close second for me (i know i just went on a tangent about this not mattering that much but it did matter a little bit and this is still very impressive. like the guy shown to be the Most skeptical stood on the desk that's a lot)

i've seen a theory floating around every once in a while that keating's experience with the first dead poets society might have been similar to what happened with neil, like he had a friend in the society who also committed suicide, and i kind of don't like that theory very much? i guess there are a few elements to it, the biggest being that if someone died the first time, i don't think that keating would even entertain the thought of restarting it. and the second is that i honestly think we could come up with something a lot more interesting.

keating went to welton during ww2, (there's a small possible plothole/timeline issue which is that nolan tells keating he taught english "way before you're time," per the annual, keating begun attending welton in 1941, when nolan was probably about 40 and i suspect not principal since there isn't really any familiarity between the two. my personal theory which i actually really like now that i'm thinking about it is that nolan wasn't at welton from 1941-1944 for some reason, probably ww2 related. not sure Exactly how, nolan's old enough that it's unlikely he would've actually fought unless he had been in the military before, but that could also be interesting, idk there's a lot of possibilities) the us joined ww2 at the end of 1941 so for almost the entire time keating was in school, that would have been going on. and i think that would have put a very unique type of stress on the school and i think it would be really interesting to think about the poet's experience during that time. what i do think happened in lieu of someone dying is probably that they got in some significant amount of trouble at some point, or possibly that they didn't exactly get in trouble but that there was some other issue related to the administration.

other interesting details from the annual: keating was varsity soccer captain and editor of the school annual, likely how he got dps under his name. also btw keating was the soccer coach during the movie if that wasn't clear since the soccer team is. just keatings class minus cameron whose doing fencing. and i only realized this after reading the book (which i do not reccomend if you want to read the book just read the old script it's got all the same stuff and i honestly think the writings better in the script)

anyways i think we should come up with more theories about the original dead poets. bc i think that could be interesting.

i think we were kind of talking about the keating/neil parallels a bit and i'm just gonna talk more about that as well bc i'm a bit insane about it. so like as previously mentioned!!! neil is the one who fundamentally understood keating the most probably (todd and charlie also understood keating but in different ways kind of??? and i think you've spoken about this before too) and there's a lot of like; keating likely starting the original dps/neil starting dps 2.0, both being editors of the school annual (sort of), both encouraging people (todd) to express themselves in ways they might not have thought possible

the way keating and neil's storylines end are also similar. they both set out with a specific goal and while they are successful at first, they are both stopped in ways that are ultimately kind of catastrophic. not fully coherent about this yet but. wanted to add it.

also just wanted to briefly mention keating and mcallister bc i really liked their relationship, all of m thoughts have already been said but i just wanted to add that

keating is in a position where he understands what his students are going through in a way that none of the other teachers do and throughout the movie i honestly think his goal was at least partially just to make their lives just a little bit better. like some of his students would get it and some wouldn't, but for all of them they have one class where the teacher is nice and not as strict or exhausting or gives them ridiculous amounts of homework. and even if keating is just. the one class that's a little bit easier. that still probably helps so much with how the environment at welton was. obviously keatings ultimate goal was probably to teach his students to think for themselves and about what they specifically want but i think the smaller impacts of like. ok here's one class where the teacher isn't a hardass is meaningful too.

[crehador]

zero out day 2 thoughtsdump:

head empty no thoughts smic hug only

[terrifying-thoughts]

I did it.

I blocked and deleted his number.

After he arrived at home he asked what we should do now and that he completely understands if I don't want him in my life anymore. I told him that I can't have contact with him anymore after all that happened. I would never be able to get over it. He understands and respects my decision and shortly before I blocked him he text

I will always be there for you. Even if you just want to punch me. If you need something you can always text me.

It hurts. It hurts really bad. He was one of the main reasons I developed trust issues and I really hoped it would get better after we got back together but he just made it worse.

[chicago-geniza]

ok REALLY need to work so thoughtsdump to purge them for later:

- what @di-goldene-oygn & @starstarship & others have mentioned re: criticism of jude’s experiences in ‘a little life’ as “unrealistic,” i.e., the amount and the types of abuse endured by this character are exaggerated to such extremes that in “real life” they would be unsurvivable, & the author’s decision to ‘lavish’ such excess on one person feels *prurient*--hence the term i hate with my life, ‘trauma porn’--because the sheer un-realism of his suffering beggars belief & reaches catharsis via alternative narrative means (not tragedy-by-active-choice that the reader watches, unable to intervene & stop, but tragedy-by-cruel-circumstance in which the character is passive, stripped of agency, very ‘book of job morality play,’ while also providing the presumed reader with a dual sense of relief that 1) this is not a situation in which they could intervene, because choice is not a variable, & 2) This Could Never Happen In Real Life); what i am thinking about is how people consider literary realism, as a genre, & define it, consciously or otherwise, by the parameters of their own “lived experience,” or the experience that *they can fathom as livable,* plausible, possible, a life that might, conceivably, exist in the same world parallel to theirs, if not perpendicular to it. & what i am also thinking about is how these incredulous remarks re: the “unrealism” of jude’s abuse sound strangely like the comments some people used to make about Token Diversity in school textbook illustrations, how representations of XYZ intersections embodied in a single person were “unrealistic” and done solely to satisfy the demands of absurd “political correctness,” how such representations were almost ridiculous in their exaggerated aggregations of minority identities. you know, like, a Black girl in a wheelchair wearing a magen david or something, & people would go, “nobody like that exists in *real life,* they’re just pandering to the PC Police!” (when, of course, i literally know...at least two Black jewish girls in wheelchairs!) but THOSE “unrealistic” accumulations are “written on the body,” so to speak; of course, abuse gets inscribed on the body too, but often in subtler ways--experience is not “legible,” socially or politically, the way that skin color or mobility aids are. something about Representation in literature & otherwise--how the line is negotiated between the body/the marginalized body in society & the novel form’s turn to interiority, where Representation is inextricably linked to one’s inner experience *of* the world; how recent aims re: political writing & a nascent politics of identity are in tension with Iowa School forms of literary prose; how critics’ responses to depictions of abuse in literature (that focus more on the author’s motives) & responses to depictions of marginalized experience (either framed by Theory & written like grad seminar papers, or “Is This Good or Bad” referenda on Pilgrim’s-Progress-style YA novels of instruction)--*especially* the whole concept of “ownvoices” & suspicion of anything that seems “stranger than fiction” (e.g., extreme abuse, extreme addiction or psychosis) if the author did not experience it themselves--reflect this tension. i’m also interested in how this intersects with, well, what i have been thinking of as a two-pronged phenomenon: a popular turn toward “healing” which never quite defines its terms, & this...bizarre strain of pop psychology i’ve seen proliferating on tiktok & twitter & elsewhere that recapitulates with startling exactness the discourse of 19th-century education reformers about imagination as pathological escapism from the Real World. (see: that one viral tweet about how “spending too much time reading” as a child was “a sign of dissociation” because you were “trying to escape from the real world.”) 

- don’t remember the second thing bc i got distracted & wrote too much lol

[jodeknows]

My mind is all...

...omg adding frozen brown bananas to smoothies is sooo good... ...this floor nurse gig is harder then I thought...like how long do I give myself to pick up on this??? ...whats up with the universe...and what about people that say god like tells them things... ...why do i always still think about certain people? ...wonder what they are doing right now... ...I srsly shouldn't text them... ...why did I let nicole to convince me to do so many lunges 2night?? ...I need green apples...and lemons ...and paper towels

Alright imma try to drift off now :)

[crehador]

zero out day 1 thoughtsdump:

n... nemu

my girl 😭😭😭

nozomin we miss u we lov u see u next time i hope!!

ok

now

i want a lore reason for why dice was wearing jiro's shirt lmao

something like jiro made him some sort of bet before 2nd drb finals and literally lost the shirt off his back

well it's the shirt he wears around his waist so. shirt off his waist

AMAZING WARDROBE CHOICES FOR EVERYONE

SAMATOKI PONYTAIL + CUTE LITTLE BRAIDS

however

if i had to pick a favorite live i think i would still go with summit

9th live staging was really cool, but sometimes just too dark for my taste (like literally not enough lights)

not that summit didn't have its like low lights moments but i think overall it was just a bit more... idk intimate? even though the stage was quite large too

i think i don't love the rectangular stage, it's not terrible and it looks very Luxurious so i'm happy for them proud of them etc!

but summit stage... think i still preferred it, esp for the shuffled line-up performance of summit

though

there's still day 2

private time

which may change my mind lol

i think i had more thoughts than this but. well. i have been livespamming the whole experience so

oh

yes

one more thing

WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[crehador]

mtr day 1 first watch thoughtsdump:

crab lore: matenro was my og fave division before ichisama something happened so i’m feeling Super Normal about this one

WHOEVER MADE THE LIGHTING CHOICES FOR HIFUMI’S SOLO TRACKS I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH

ALSO TOTTO

TOTTO’S LITTLE

eh?

BEFORE BLACK OR WHITE I’M

experiencing cuteness aggression again fr

so the enormous sparkles during hifumi’s solo tracks... probably my favorite thing about this live

BUT

a close second is sensei’s coat!! that was an amazing wardrobe choice!!!

the inner lining being that nice shade of purple

is so reminiscent of the underlights of jakurai’s hair

like the coat both harkens back to jakurai’s own long coat and presents the illusion of jakurai’s hair

honestly probably one of my favorite wardrobe choices right after rijyu shared arm warmers at summit

papillon live always fills me with so much serotonin

dj u-ichi with the inflatable dolphin... cute......

and kijima has honestly just

the nicest laugh

i am filled with serotonin and looking forward to day 2!!

[crehador]

mtc connect the line day 1 first watch thoughtsdump:

BLUE

SO BLUE

A SEA OF BLUE

ue ue ue soung of crying

the vibe is so different from an 18-man live and even quite different from summit imo

like there is something that feels so much more intimate about it

which is maybe weird? because summit had no crowd so wouldn't it have felt nice and quiet and intimate

but idk something about this was just... good, better even

and i liked summit! summit just felt idk more sanitized

anyway

KAMIO-SAN WINK

RIJYU MOMENTS

BRAND NEW HUNTING CHARM RIJYU MOMENT?!?!?! SUMMIT DID NOT HAVE THIS I THINK??????

LIVE HORSE REACTION TO HUNTING CHARM RIJYU MOMENT

i kept taking pictures of my tv screen with my phone as if it were an actual concert lmao

asanuma-san... beautiful......

the gangsta's paradise mating call moaning yowling uhhh additional noises

sounded so much less deranged here than they did at summit lmao

though i did love the deranged yowling at summit

when summit started playing here i was freaking out because like

no way

it can't just be over already? without scarface??

luckily no it did not end there

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND

asanuma-san machine gun noises how can he even be so cute

when he was like

*horse voice* ALL YOU HOS BELONG TO YOKOHAMA (or something idk i stopped learning japanese as soon as i knew enough to read arb missions lol i'm interpreting based on vibes and chinese)

then *cute voice* but it ok if u like all the divisions ehe

massive "but we stay silly :3" energy from this man fr fr

they really just let him do whatever the fuck he wanted in cross a line

AND HE KILLED IT

gonna be rewatching that

a lot

soon

no private time tho :(

[crehador]

bat day 1 first watch thoughtsdump:

can i cry

i’m so proud

i wanna cry

FIRST OF ALL THEY ALL LOOKED AMAZING

SECONDLY THEY ALL SOUNDED AMAZING

THIRD i was in no way prepared for them to open with awesome fucking party hella awesome banquet that was such a nice surprise

YUKI SHOWING OFF HIS NAIL WRAPS

ALSO WAS I HAVING AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS OR DID I HEAR TAKEUCHI CALL HIM YUKKUN

only brief ramble today bc

carpal tunnel lmao

but i love them

so much

looking forward to day 2!

[crehador]

dh day 1 first watch thoughtsdump:

SASARO!!!

KIRYU-CHAN!!!!!!

CREEPY NUTS!!!!!!!!!

enishi still slaps as severely as always

what the hell was kuroda wearing

not to old meme on main but like

literally whenever we caught a glimpse of his shoes i could not help but think

WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOSE

this is a really delayed reaction and i’m an idiot for not realizing sooner (it’s just asnm eliminates my ability to think) but

clearly the cross a line lines where the division leaders are singing solo

sound super unique from the studio version

BECAUSE THEIR VOICES ARE ISOLATED

WHEN THEY AREN’T ON THE STUDIO VERSION

obviously

iwasaki sounded really good today too!! i think i’ll love them all and lose my mind every time lmao

makes me wonder what isolated solo audio of other all-stars parts would sound like

ANYWAY SO OSAKA

their energy is so unique to them and so phenomenal

like that goes for all six divisions and it’s why it’s so hard to play favorites imo

they all have an energy of their own and i love it all

really excited to see wtf kuroda is going to wear on day 2

futsuuuuuu no fashion as he would call it (lyingly)

imagine having a dad who dresses like stoner cruella de vil smh (affectionate)

kawanishi kengo still cutest man alive

hrugnrhg also i love creepy nuts so today’s guest was such a win for me