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theahsokageneration · 7 years

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I Am Not He

After being inspired by @lmhersch‘s fanfic, A Warm Embrace, I wrote my first ficlet in years. It was fun to write. I hope you enjoy it.

Eli had really blown it this time.

As his shuttle docked inside the Chimera, he spent his last seconds alone with his bloodshot and baggy eyes closed, sucking in air and letting it back out as slowly as he could, determinedly stifling yawns. No use in looking like he’d been put in his place before he had.

Air hissed around him in a puff of steam as the door opened, and Eli opened his eyes and walked off the shuttle and through the hanger bay. Would Thrawn send someone for him?

No sooner had Eli wondered than someone approached him. “Commander Vanto, the admiral will see you on the bridge.”

“Thank you,” Eli said as confidently as he could muster. His breath was carefully controlled on his way to the bridge. Thrawn seemed to like him for some reason, but Thrawn was also ruthless. He wouldn’t turn a blind eye to the commander who’d let Nightswan get away clean… again. If Thrawn were Darth Vader, Eli knew he’d already be dead.

Upon his arrival on the bridge, Thrawn approached him immediately. “Commander Vanto,” he said. Cool and confident, as usual. Figures he’d start calm. He pretty much always did. Eli almost wished he’d cut right to the point.

“I see you have returned, and Nightswan has once again eluded us,” Thrawn continued. “What about your position rendered you incapable of successfully apprehending him?”

For all his attempts to look calm, Eli felt his face burn red. “I don’t know, sir.”

Thrawn rose one eyebrow and Eli lowered his eyes to Thrawn’s insignia plaque. Even so, he felt the Chiss’s glowing red eyes staring at him. “Why don’t you think harder,” Thrawn suggested softly. It wasn’t a suggestion.

“Well…” Eli began, his brain frantic. “Um, Nightswan did have a cloaking device on the ship he was using. He’s never used one of those before, and none of us expected it, so he got right by and no one saw until he was out of range of our tractor beam.” The words poured out of him like water and to his horror, he didn’t stop. “We had other ships in position, of course, but by the time word reached them that Nightswan was escaping, it was too late for them to pull him in. And we didn’t want to fire for fear of igniting the gas and blowing everything up, us included.”

“I see,” Thrawn replied. “Thank you, Commander. You may go.”

He… what? Eli left the bridge and, in the absence of any other order, walked back to his cabin in a daze. Sitting down hard onto his bed, Eli stared suspiciously at the wall across from him. Was Thrawn playing games with him?

No yelling. No cursing. Really, he couldn’t imagine Thrawn doing those things, at least, not like most people. Not like his parents. No, Thrawn’s style was more understated. He’d keep his voice level and calm as always and inform Eli he was being demoted, or something. Had let him down, at the very least.

What in blazes had that trademark “I see” meant, anyway? Thrawn saw… what, exactly? Eli grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room. Saw that he wasn’t worth talking to, probably.

He hadn’t slept in over 30 hours, and sleep tugged at his brain despite the current crisis with Thrawn. Eli let himself crash into bed and didn’t bother picking up the pillow before dejectedly falling asleep.

Some hours later, he woke. Thrawn would be off duty. Eli sat back up and stretched his neck. He wasn’t a man to let things go unsaid when it’d be easier for everyone for them to be out in the open. He had to talk to Thrawn.

As he had countless other times for less miserable circumstances, Eli walked the distance from his cabin to Thrawn’s, and knocked softly on the door, hoping the Chiss would be awake.

“You may enter,” came Thrawn’s voice from the other side. Eli pushed the button to open the door and walked inside.

Thrawn was sitting at his desk in light brown pants and a sleeveless top, a hologram of some obscure culture’s art floating in front of him. A mechanical voice speaking SyBisti told a story Eli had never heard, and with one tap on his datapad, Thrawn silenced it. “Commander Vanto. You should be asleep, should you not? Humans require roughly 8 hours of sleep per every 24, and you have only slept 5 in the last 40.”

Eli gulped. “What was that business on the bridge earlier all about?” he forced out as quickly as he could.

If he hadn’t before, he had Thrawn’s full attention now. The Chiss rose his eyebrow again, in what looked to Eli like confusion, though he deemed that impossible. “What business are you referring to? I thought it was obvious why I sent you from the bridge. You required rest.”

“Ok, but how come you don’t seem concerned with how I let Nightswan get out from under us, again?” Eli pressed, fists clenching. He was getting angry now. Angry that Thrawn was going to play this off like nothing. “You trusted me to take him in and I failed you. Don’t act like you don’t care. You don’t want nothing more than you want that Nightswan taken to justice.” Eli winced as his Wild Space drawl intensified with his vehemence.

Thrawn’s expression didn’t change. “I had thought my reasoning obvious. I asked you to explain to me what rendered you incapable of success, and you informed me of the circumstances which lead to your failure. I have taken your explanation into account, and will adjust future attempts accordingly such that the miscalculations will not be repeated.”

“I done made a mess of this whole carefully planned out operation, and you ain’t gonna say nothing on it? Make me wait for it to finally come out some other day? What I said up there on the bridge about how he got away is true but you and I both know you could have got him anyway.”

Thrawn’s eyebrow lowered. Whatever had caused Thrawn’s confusion, he now understood. “You misunderstand, Commander Vanto. Given what you have told me of the situation, in addition to what I know firsthand, I am quite confident that Nightswan could not have been caught under the circumstances we found ourselves in earlier. Not by you, nor by me. Indeed, I chose you to go where I was not because I knew that the only way in which you would fail is if success were impossible.”

“Wh- What?” Eli stammered.

Thrawn nodded as if to affirm his last statement. “Your failure is more a reflection of Nightswan’s strength than of your weakness. I had thought you understood this. As a warrior, one must be prepared to accept both victory and defeat. One will encounter each at various times. Victory is an end unto itself, or can often lead to greater victory later. Defeat is to be learned from. From yours, we have learned more of what Nightswan is capable of, as well as how not to approach him in the future.”

Eli let silence hang while he worked out Thrawn’s meaning. “So you’re not mad?” he asked more bluntly.

“Certainly not. What of my conduct gave you that assumption?” Thrawn asked in return. The question seemed genuine.

Waves of relief coursed through Eli and his fists unclenched. To Thrawn’s question, he shrugged. “Habit, I guess,” he muttered.

“From whom has this habit been learned?” Thrawn pressed. “That individual most likely was not a capable leader if he impressed such a habit upon you.”

Memories flashed through Eli’s head, and the world became blurred. He blinked it back into clarity. “My father,” he muttered again, this time in SyBisti, as he shifted his weight between his legs.

“Ah,” the Chiss acknowledged. “I am not he, Eli,” he continued in SyBisti.

It had been a while since Thrawn had referred to him as “Eli.” If he wasn’t careful, he’d start crying again. Weak as ever. “I know that, Thrawn. I did choose you, after all,” he said.

Thrawn stood, and stepped one foot closer to Eli. Gently, he patted the top of Eli’s head as he hadn’t done since… the Academy, probably. “I am and have been grateful for that choice,” Thrawn whispered.

“It was the right one,” Eli heard himself say.

“You ought to sleep, Eli,” Thrawn said, dropping his hand to Eli’s shoulder.

Before he’d stopped to think, Eli wrapped his arms around Thrawn’s waist for less than a second before releasing him and stepping back. In Basic, he said, “Yes, sir,” and pushed to open the door.

In a motion unusual for him, the corners of Thrawn’s mouth lifted. “Good night, Commander,” he said as the doors closed.

#original post #marie talks #marie writes #marie writes fanfic #thrawn #eli vanto #thranto #star wars #thrawn fanfic #fan fiction #thranto fan fiction #late night writing #hey man tonight was a bad one but i thought of this earlier and got to write it now and i'm feeling better #lmhersch #haha this is shit but i'm posting it anyway #go read hers though it was really good #the abusive parenting thing kinda rang really strong and this ended up happening

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