#thread: silvy and maya

[silvygonzalez]

"Advise always sounds easier than it actually is," Silvy agreed. Maya continued on, stating she didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Silvy could understand that way of thinking since she often followed it herself. She was as good as anyone at bottling things up to appear stronger than she actually was. Maybe that was why she didn't want Maya to do the same, since Silvy knew how much living like that could suck!

"How about this: I categorically confirm you are not a burden to me. You ever need someone to talk to, vent at, or just sit with quietly, you've got me. How does that sound?"

Maya nodded in response to Silvy as she braved herself. It felt like Silvy was comforting her first before sh delivered the cold hard truth.

But she sat and listened. She took in the words Silvy was giving her. She was right - it did sound bad at first, but it made sense. Everyone had different experiences and reacted differently to things. She could try to explain her feelings but they would never really know. Although that was probably for the best - otherwise she would have to share her feelings and that was a recipe for disaster.

She shifted her gaze away from Silvy for a moment as she contemplated her advice. "You make it sound so easy," she laughed a bit nervously. "Asking for help, I mean. I mean, you said it yourself - everyone has their own shit. I don't want to be a burden."

[silvygonzalez]

A bit of both. Yeah, Silvy could work with that for sure. "Alright, so comfort first, then some advice, OK?"

Silvy took in a breath, to steady herself before dispensing the words of comfort she had promised Maya. It was time to channel Chief Ford a little since Silvy always managed to find so much comfort in what he had to say in times like this.

"This is gonna sound bad when I first say it but stick with me, ok? No one else can know exactly what you're going through. That's the bad part. But that doesn't mean you have to face it alone. You have friends and allies here, Maya, who are ready to help you through this. Now here comes to advice: if you need help, you have to ask for it. Most people are so wrapped up in their own shit, they might not notice what you're going through. But if you ask, if you get their attention, they'll help you get through this. Like me, for example. Although I kinda insisted on helping you today but hopefully you get what I mean."

Maya heaved a sigh and a shrug. "Honestly, I don't know." Comfort seemed to imply that there was bound to be some withholding of the truth while solutions seemed to be more along the lines of you're not going to like what I have to say. Or maybe she was reading too much into it and she needed to just hear something to make her feel like she wasn't the only one dealing with this. Her grip around her legs relaxed just a bit so she could lean back, letting her shoulders sag just a bit as she pondered which one she was looking more for. "Maybe a bit of both?"

[silvygonzalez]

This conversation took Silvy back in time to when she had just transferred over from being an EMT to a firefighter. She wasn’t the only new recruit at the time but she was the only one of the new recruits who seemed to be getting something out of her new profession. At the time, she had become disheartened by her fellow ‘newbies’ and their lack of passion. She had gone to her chief, Chief Ford, with her worries. In his serious but warm tone, he had stated: “not everyone is cut out for this and that’s OK. It’s all about adapting to your current circumstance and if that don’t work? Knowing it’s OK to walk away and try something else instead.” Silvy would give anything to have Chief Ford back but that wasn’t possible. She had to make do with her memories of him.

“I’m not gonna deny it: you’re making some good points there,” she said. It was tempting to directly quoting Chief Ford here but Silvy didn’t feel as confident in her words as Chief Ford used to be. “Do you want comfort or do you want solutions?” She asked Maya. “I can give you both or just one or the other. I just need to know which you’re going to be receptive to before I start lecturing you about seizing the day and such.”

Maya let out a long, heavy sigh. Silvy had some good points in her reply. Surely Maya wasn't the only one feeling this way, but to her, it seemed like everyone was pretty happy with their lives here, but then again, everyone seemed to have something or someone. Maya? Well....not really. "Not sure what good this life, to be honest."

Her hands rubbed her hands up and down her arms, suddenly feeling the cool breeze of the autumn bit at her skin. It might have been amplified with the calming of her emotions or it could be she was just overstimulated by everything in this moment. "I mean, the whole point of living is to enjoy every second, but it's hard to enjoy life now when there's only a single wall separating you from actual monsters. I know that the outside security makes sure we're okay but all I think about is something happening and that wall comes down and everything here just gets destroyed like before. Surviving is knowing that tomorrow is there and living for it. Existing is just being there without knowing whether or not it's worth it to see the next day."

[silvygonzalez]

"This is just pointless?... Not even surviving, just existing..."

This was a heavy topic to consider but an important one nonetheless. Silvy let out a sigh as she turned all of Maya's questions over and over in her mind.

She certainly could see how Maya had come to this way of thinking. If Silvy really let herself think about this and dug further than the surface of her psyche, she would see that since arriving at Redwood, she had only been existing, as if only going through the motions. The apocalypse had robbed her of her drive to climb up the career ladder, among other things, and she hadn't yet found a suitable way to redirect that drive other than surviving from day-to-day.

"Yes, I do," she answered honestly. "I think a lot of people are in the same boat, forced into it if you will by circumstances they've found themselves in. But the way I see it is that we only get one life so we have to make the most out of it. Which means jackshit to you right now, right?" Silvy watched Maya for a moment. "So you tell me: what does surviving, as opposed to just existing, look like to you?"

The answer was no, she was definitely not sure about being fine. But she was pretty sure that it was a stupid reason to be this upset. She sucked in a long breath, willing her shoulders to stop the trembling and steady her whole being so she could get past the pity party and go back to....well, whatever it was she was doing nowadays. Existing? Yeah, that.

Honestly, Maya didn't know what she wanted. A lot of things, perhaps. To feel wanted. Belonging. That she wasn't the only one struggling with the fact that she was essentially alone in this desolate world. Well, that answered it, didn't it? She wiped her face with her sleeve and sniffed to clear her nose of any mucus that may drain from her nose. "You ever feel like....I don't know, that this is just pointless?" she asked, looking out at the lake, "That we're basically just delaying the inevitable and just existing? Not even surviving, just existing?"

[silvygonzalez]

Maya turned away from Silvy to wipe her eyes and Silvy felt bad for intruding on this private moment. But she didn't feel bad enough to make her excuses and leave Maya all alone. Silvy wasn't going to leave Maya's side until she was sure Maya was as OK as she could be.

Silvy sat herself down on the ground next to Maya, drawing her legs up so she could hug her knees to her chest. She listened as Maya attempted to dismiss her feelings as stupid. How many times had Silvy done the same? Too many to count, that's for sure.

"You sure about that?" Silvy said, gently pressing against Maya's lie about being 'fine'. "It doesn't look stupid to me. Not that you asked but to me, it looks like you're going through something and instead of bottling it up, you're letting it out. It's better to let it out, otherwise it all just builds up inside until the pressure is too much." Silvy paused, noting how she tended to bottle things up herself. "Tell me what you need: do you wanna talk about it or do you just need someone close by? I can do either."

Maya hadn't heard anyone at first. She hadn't heard any footfalls or Earth crunching to indicate that she was no longer alone. Literally her whole mind and focus had been on this depressive, self-loathing sweep that seemed to take a firm grip on her. It was only when she heard Silvy call to her did she realize that she was, in fact, no longer alone. She sat up and turned her head so she could wipe her face clean with her palms without Silvy being able to see. God, she must look like a total idiot.

"'m fine," she muttered, the lie being so easy to utter yet she knew that it would not fly. It was obvious to anyone passing by that she was not fine. "It's stupid."

[silvygonzalez]

Silvy was taking advantage of having some free time before her next security shift by going for a run around Redwood. If she stayed home, she was going to lose her mind. Having that run-in with Ares was still weighing heavily on her. She needed to get to someone from the Council about that soon but it hadn't felt appropriate to do so after everything that had happened with Sol and Ginny. So a run might help her burn through some of that nervous energy.

She had hugged the huge walls of Redwood that loomed over her as she went before cutting through the Beckett Farm to go around the lake a couple of times. This was one of her usual running routes and so far, she hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary. That was until she spotted a familiar looking figure at the lakeside.

"Hey," Silvy called out as she got closer. When she reached Maya's side, she crouched down beside her. "Hey, it's me, it's Silvy," she said to Maya. She wanted to gently place her hand on Maya's shoulder but she didn't, not until Maya made it clear she wanted physical contact. "What can I do to help?"

Open starter!

Location: Lake on Beckett Farm

The only thing that makes you feel anything these days….it was the words now playing in her head over and over on a fucking repeatitive cycle of torment. Isaac was right - she was basically existing at this point. She had been just existing for the past few years. At least before she came to Redwood she could blame it on the fact that she was just focusing on survival. Avoiding raiders and infected and wild animals - she couldn’t feel then because that could be the difference between life and death. But now, she was safe, in Redwood with very minimal threat of death outside of the basics. Now she really didn’t have an excuse. Despite being in a town with people who, for the most part, seemed friendly, she felt alone. And there was the matter of her ex and how awkward she felt around him. Feeling nothing was better than feeling unwanted and alone and she wondered if maybe she had made a mistake in deciding to stay. Maybe it was better if she went off on her own.

To try and clear her head, she took her sketchbook to the lake. Drawing had always been her escape, even if she was getting close to having no more pages to spare. But as she sat there at the water’s edge, she couldn’t bring herself to bring the pencil to the page. All she could think was how alone she was. Outcasted. Unwanted. The pencil shook in her hand and soon, her comfort items dropped and she rested her head on her knees. Her body shook as she felt everything all at once.