#three years strong motha fuckaaaaa

[fraudulence-paradox]

5/15/18

“Jesus christ, it seems like the only time I update this thing is when I’m talking about a girl”

Buckle up, fuckers.

This past semester I’ve become more active in [college]’s Philosophy Club. It’s been a really good experience so far. I’ve been doing a fair amount of the media for the club by way of making fliers and so forth. The meetings mostly consist of someone presenting a philosophical topic, and the group having a Socratic discussion about it. Somehow, and I really have no idea how, I was nominated for the position of vice president, and by an even stranger turn of events, I won. As a result, I began attending more events only tangentially related to the club’s activities: outreach, advertising and so forth. The other newly elected members did as well, which is where I met A-----.

Because I’ve spent the last twelve or so weeks debating various philosophical concepts with a group that included her, I have a pretty decent understanding of where she stands on most major issues. The weird thing is, despite how polar opposite we are in terms of beliefs, it seems like we have a genuine connection. I should preface this by saying I’m being optimistic. In this situation, it can only go one of two ways. It could go turn out that our differences are too great, and we’ve just overlooked them in the midst of the fog that is early relationship fodder. She is after all, very conservative. She’s Catholic, doesn’t use drugs, and seems very innocent. On the other hand, she’s fascinating. She’s going to school to be a criminal psychologist (who isn’t, but she seems really passionate about it after a year of it), as a result she has a fascination with serial killers. She’s also this odd straight-edge punk rock chick. I’ve met people like her before who I always crushed on, but she’s the first one who showed any interest. She likes local music, arts, and seems far more cultured than I. The alternative, that I hope ends up being the case, is we can make it work, based only on how much we like each other as people.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself. We’ve been on two “dates” that we didn’t call dates, but for all intents and purposes, were dates. We’ve really only known each other for a few weeks, but she definitely has a crush on me. She’s so innocent and young though. She doesn’t know about all the shit I’ve done. She has no idea what a horrible person I am, or at least, what a horrible person I think I am. I’m worried if she gets to know me she’ll entirely lose interest, but I also don’t want to lie to her. Bojack Horseman said it best, “Do you ever get the feeling that to know you more is to love you less?” I do.

So I find myself in this predicament. I can allow something to come of this, or I can cut it off before it’s too late and we all get hurt. I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, as one who is more or less addicted to being in a relationship, I miss the rush that comes with a girl laughing and touching your shoulder like a junkie misses the needle. On the other hand, if I do pursue this, and something bad happens, the one group of friends I actually met organically, and enjoy being around, the Philosophy Club, becomes a weird place where I have to face an ex.

I should be more optimistic, but I’ve just done this too many times in the past. Good things never last, and bad things always remain, you can just forget about them for a little while.