#thst being ur focus but u cant help it. and its like grinding chalk into the sidewalk. i just burn out on the things i like so fast
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#today in things that stress me out. my academic interests have diverged significant from what i do in the lab#which is nice on one hand bc i am v passionately interested in something sciency again and it feels like its been a while since that#happened. but on the other hand it means that my workaholic tendencies are no longer being applied to my actual job#like im kind of just doing normal hours for like actual job stuff. which stresses me tf out bc i never feel like im doing enough#and my overdoing it has transfered over to drawing way too much in one sitting while listening to paleo podcasts and trying#to memorize the geologic time scale#so im still overextending bc im focused all the time and i dont sleep enough but its not applied to my job#and part of my brain cant handle that so it forces me to suffer no matter what. sigh. stupid exhausting brain#and i know im being irrational about it which somehow makes it worse#but idk i guess maybe its a little more healthy bc im trying to do something i like in my free time. even if im still overdoing it#like idk if i can express how exhausting it is to like something but ur brain forces u to think abt it all the time and feel guilty abt#thst being ur focus but u cant help it. and its like grinding chalk into the sidewalk. i just burn out on the things i like so fast#bc i cant regulate. im astounded that ive been on this narut0 kick for like 7months bc so often my obsession makes me so tired#but here i am. still staying strong dattebayo hahaha. nah it has been nice not to find anything new tho lol#sigh... idk i just got way way too close to like full on mental collapse with my photosynthesis measurements so im trying to get the#warmth back into my body before i have to jump back into that frozen water#i think i have at least another month before the machines get back and then ill have at least 3 or 4 projects to run samples for#was it wise of me to agree to doing all that? no absolutely not. but the data will be interesting#and itll be helpful. and literally no one else wants to do it so here i am. damaging myself for science. ay ay ay#whatever. im going off to do field work next week with my boss so maybe thatll get me out of my head#unrelated
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