#and i know im being irrational about it which somehow makes it worse

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[volfoss]

hi teehee kof rant (mai centric bc i have a problem etc) below the cut and all that

burden of being a mai fan is having to see a million horrible pieces of content in each kof game (and fatal fury too my god) but it genuinely drives me insane how they write her in a lot of the games. like its 50% of the woah shes a conventionally attractive woman and thats all the character development and depth shes given. Any other time its just maybe 45% "kyaa andy" and 5% lets have her have a nice time w her team. now like. im biased due to hating andy (due to how he really treats her a lot of the time and just how her character is so so based around him instead of letting her be an actual character)

now i know that its like a part of her character that shes super in love w andy and SUPER feminine (other than the ending for fatal fury special where she remarks that she needs to be less masculine) but it really feels like SNK just poured all the budget and effort into seeing how sexy they could make her/the physics of her animation (again iykyk). esp considering her development section on the wiki (of heres who her boobs and ass are based off of, how when they introduced her ""swaying bosom", the developers were awestruck". like i understand fully that they are trying to yk. make her a sex symbol (which worked a little too well imo). it really bled into how a fair bit of fans treat her as just a hot body and never really consider her personality or literally anything other than how her clothes fit or how they can make her outfit worse.

but it really to me feels that the devs were like ok. 4 traits should work: mean to other women sometimes (mostly over appearance), SUPER irrational (which i dont believe but im also like. overthinking pro here, ill elaborate later if i remember), in LOVE with andy, and hot. occasionally they try and throw in a bimbo angle. i feel they really ignore a lot of things they COULD touch on (ie literally ANYTHING with her past, how she gets along w literally anyone on andys team outside of andy (we again. get tiny hints of it but rly not much), or literally ANYTHING outside of the few traits we very vaguely get.

so many of her endings are just either SO andy centric or just her getting drunk. and thats literally it. not even to get into the team stories which are normally a bit better (96's has made me INSANE for weeks tho) but esp 99, that was really disappointing. that one really felt like they were treating her as a footnote and butt of the joke (which happens a lot of people being like wow girl you are crazy about andy) but it feels like in some of the endings (2003 comes to mind, where you get a tiny hint of woah theyre putting in that she cares about her friends and then its like no lol actually its just all about andy)

again i understand how the way that she is written doesnt really allow for a really good read on her as a character (her personality section on the wiki is fucking abysmal. tldr of it is wow shes cheerful, 2 full paragraphs dedicated to how much she loves andy, shes a "traditional and ideal japanese beauty" and like. a tiny note on how she gets along w the womens team/terry and joe). but she really does have more than that of just genuinely being a very kind person and very goofy, as well as a very talented and dedicated person.

so what rly irks me (this is not number one but girls need to get their thoughts on her past out somehow and by god im doing it here) is how her past isnt really ever touched on except for tiny hints here and there. sure we get info on how her grandfather trained her and the tiniest inkling of stuff on her parents (that theyre dead) and how andy came to train with her grandfather when they were both pretty young. but they really dont ever elaborate on how her grandfather basically passing all of her training off to his friend (who is yk. a canonical creep and lecherous old man trope to a T) and training andy impacted her. we never learn how she handled her parents death. or even her grandparents death. or even the enormous weight of being the last shiranui ninja. its all focused on wow lol she fell in love w andy super early on and thats IT really. MI2 (pretty sure. might have been MI 1) does go into a tiny bit of detail on her grandfather training her to move silently and bribing her into that with anything she really ever wanted, and how that even impacted her with the beginning of MI2, where she uses training from her grandfather to throw the letter at Andy, catching him by surprise. but we really dont get a lot of introspection on that in really any of the mainline games (or manga that ive read, all of the ones ive read just have her plotlines be the same as the game (of half andy and half woah hot lady)

not to mention again in the 96 team stories, she mentions that after King says she also cannot participate in KOF, she says this:

^ which literally lines that drive me insane that they NEVER elaborate on. surely her childhood had to be lonely with her being an only child (presumably) and it not really mentioning any friends she has outside of the womens team and a TINY bit of terry and joe. which god. there could have been SO much potential with her and terrys relationship. we literally could have had besties but instead its normally used for a joke of wow mai is SO scary about andy oh nooo. and same w joe. i think tbh the fatal fury movie honestly nailed how i would have their relationship in an ideal world, with them just teasing each other and being a bit bitchy but in a fun friendship way yk?

in regards to the womens team i do normally enjoy how they handle the stuff with her and them, its VERY clear she cares about and loves yuri and king, and even chizuru (i hold the 96 ending SO close to my heart tbh) and just literally if they could pass the bechdel test for literally once in their life, it would be ideal.

mai just genuinely has a lot of potential in terms of writing and literally if u just go through her quotes its just really clear to see she doesnt get that potential ever explored (esp in some of the fatal fury stuff, where shes having to fend men off from touching her or hitting on her.)

tldr snk hire me i understand her etc

[tulpafcker]

yeah reading that webebed comic is making me think about like. growing up On Line and knowing there was something wrong with me, KNOWING i had a personality disorder and just not knowing Which One, but knowing it was most likely one of the two that people dont give much sympathy to

but then also being surrounded by people who do the same things i did and DIDN'T have those disorders

is such... a wild fucking experience. i joke like "haha more people should think theyre a sociopath growing up, it humbles you and makes you painfully aware of how people see the shit youre doing" but like, even if the people i knew thought that of themselves, they wouldnt care! theyd brush it off or think theyre one of the good ones (tm) with no self reflection!! and thats because I did it!!

like. as a teenager, i genuinley thought "its not that i dont FEEL remorse, its just that i havent done anything that was bad enough to feel remorse over!" and concluded that i didn't have aspd

like. i was simultaneously self aware and not self aware, except since i was more self aware than most, it was easy for me to believe that nothing escaped my field of view

and even to this day, it's like... why?? i was in a whole fucking group of remorseless assholes who were overly violent about people we didnt like! we were ALL quick to turn on each other, and we were just a small group of a huger group! we couldnt ALL have aspd?? and WE DONT!!! WE DIDNT!!!

some of them were just being teenagers, some of them have other shit wrong with them that they either got help for or... didn't.

its just. aaaaa!! and yes depending on who it was directed on, my anger issues and impulsivity were both used to help the group and ostracize me! my friends LIKED when i could turn on people on a dime and drive them out of the group if they did something percieved as Bad. some of them genuinley WERE horrifically manipulative people and it was good that they got out of there SOMEhow. but they got out because the server admin was too pussy to do her job and Administrate The Server so it was My job. but if the admin herself or her friends hurt me (for instance, by saying that i was selfish for wanting to kill myself,) then suddenly i was scary and irrational and couldnt be trusted. fun!

and this suuuucks but wrt the webbe comic i see myself a lot in gage in that his Go To Excuse (im traumatized!!!) was MY go to excuse back in the day. plus i struggle w like. just because i dont MEAN to be manipulative, doesnt mean that i cant BE manipulative, plus its not the other partys fault for feeling manipulated

gage is lowkey also kinda unempathetic to milo cuz he finds milo annoying at times and uhhh thats a hashtag struggle of hashtag mine

and like. id never date an actual fucking murderer (but then again i can just SAY anything. in another life i could see myself justifying it if i was in a worse spot) but the reaction towards gage vs milo by the commentors of the comic is telling imo

in that gage (as far as we know) has been thru shitty situations and we dunno how he grew up yet (or maybe we do idk im not done) and he has maladaptive, manipulative, and hurtful coping mechanisms just like milo does but in the comments milo is seen as a wrong but still sympathetic guy while gage.. isnt

and thags kind of how it felt, yk. growing up the way i did. like i wasnt the best person but neither were the other guys but they got sympathy because they *appeared* good and pitiable and soft, they were treated like flawed yet human individuals going thru it, and i was lowkey dehumanized even before i ever really thought i had Dehumanized Implicitly Personality Disorder

ALSO the "sorry for saying s*ciopath i didnt mean to offend people w aspd" part in the comic Gets Me because there are people who do say that BUT thats the begining and end of anything they say abt aspd and its kiiind of hurting it ngl

cuz like. i agree honestly! i think people should maybe not say sociopath as freely as they do anymore. for one its not used diagnostically anymore and for two; in the layperson, the word paints a picture of a very stereotypical moviefied version of someone with aspd. so not only is it not used medically, its used in a way that dehumanizes people with actual aspd- in fact a lot of people dont even know that its CALLED aspd!

and of course, Not Saying Sociopath Anymore isnt gonna solve ableism (i learned the term aspd from an Ableist Video after all) but like. it would be nice? maybe?? to have the basic decency to not be referred to by a word thats used to either treat me like a dogshit criminal implicitly OR sell a warped version of the thing i struggle with to hollywood audiences and or true crime affecionados

but because of people who ONLY say that stuff and nothing else, the notion isnt really taken seriously by anyone and is brushed off as Stupid Internet Stuff + a smattering of "if you REALLY had REAL aspd you wouldnt CARE wether or not someone called you a sociopath!!!"

which of course is ironically another example of ableism not being solved by Changing Terms but uhh yeah since the fauxtivist puriteen blogs r where a lot of people first heard of the concept its IMMIDIATLEY written off as stupid internet stuff and i just think its very very funny that milo webcomicboy said that just like. as a microcosm of him? say/do shit that sounds progressive but does stuff that actually is either a) irrelevant or b) hurts people more than it helps them

also just bc i relate to gage doesnt mean i like him theyre all pieces of shit. i like him as a character not as a person. everyone here sucks assssssssssssssss but im just. observing plus a lil like. not exactly recognition of self thru the other but "oh god that COULDVE been me if i didnt get very very very lucky" self awareness did not fix me and it did not save me but it saved me just a leeeeeeeeettle bit and thats enough babeyyy

if this makes no sense im SORRY ive been soo traumatixed also im LITERALLY neurodivergent and a minor???? ugh!!!

(nah fr fr it is late as all fuckkkkk idk if this is coherent. if its not just shhhhh let it fade into obscurity thanks i appreciste it)

[cvokhauz]

i am spiralling for multiple reasons and maybe writing it out will help. it’s very difficult to get my own thoughts under control, i have not experienced this since i was about 13. first of all, my bachelor’s thesis is due today and while it is 99% percent done i keep putting off the actual putting of it in the digital repository for minuscule reasons because once it is there, that’s IT and i cannot change it and i live in fear i will notice some glaring mistake immediately after i do that, which is irrational as fuck. anyway i gotta basically just wait for the title confirmation and upload it and then go print it. (which costs money which is another thing i am paranoid about i keep spending and costing people money and for what, being an uncertain useless fucking wreck) and then whatever will be will be.

but being in this state for so long is making me question my sanity. i can’t fucking eat, i keep hurling up everything except like orange juice and mana, i am tense and have a pit of anxiety in my stomach which makes me wish for literally anything else. passive suicidal ideation extremely common.

now, i’ve convinced myself i have ADHD or some form of neurodivergency because i fit a lot of the experiential symptoms reported by other people, mostly interest-focused attention, highly fluctuating, trouble concentrating, memory like a fucking colander, need for stimulation (always doodling, drawing, reading)

but previously (at the Bad Time when i was 13) i got diagnosed with OCD, mostly on the basis of these same spiralling catastrophic thought patterns i am experiencing now, and i distinctly remember being unable to put down a book or any other form of stimulation keeping me occupied and engage with material reality because within like 15 minutes i would start shaking and crying uncontrollably. it feels very much like i am holding on to a last tiny straw to keep myself from slipping back to that place. obviously this is due to high stress of the situation right now, but also i can’t keep going on like this and i have not found meaningful help yet. i keep self-sabotaging by forgetting my appointment dates even if i write them down immediately in several places. i dont remember, i lose my diary, i lose my phone, forget to check email. i’ve tried to pursue clinical diagnosis in a reputable center in prague bc a friend recommended it, which took a tremendous amount of energy to reach out to and communicate out all the bureaucracy, but on the day i was supposed to go there, while on the fucking train to the place, they texted me to say my appointment is cancelled due to the clinician having covid vaccine complications. so since then i haven’t been able to muster up the energy for another try but i really fucking feel like i need to because this situation is unsustainable.

this is all absolutely ridiculous because i am studying psychology and want to become a clinical psychologist myself. lol. also im wondering if the adhd-like symptoms i am exhibiting are maybe partially developed as a coping mechanism for the ocd stuff? thoughts cant spiral if you have a million of them and always jump to the next shiny thing. cant dwell if u cant even concentrate. also i’ve seen my parents this weekend and it really struck me how much of the neurosis and dwelling comes from my dad (is it genetic? is it learned bc he projected it on me when i was small?) and the hyperactivity and self esteem issues from my mum, who is quintessentially an elementary school teacher at all times.

theoretically i know what a healthy goal for my life and mental health looks like, but i can’t fucking. get there. or cant seem to be able to get there. without external support. and the worse it gets the worse i get at reaching for this support. anyway. moral of the story is - even if my bakalářka fails, i will survive somehow and do a new one and get some fucking help hopefully.

i really should see someone about this.

[mbti-notes]

hi i’m an istj. i fear the problem im going to describe is resolved by being more Te proactive and taking on more leader responsibilities and failing. just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable. anyway i get involved with groups that align with my values to get things done but it always feels like i somehow join things that aren’t as efficient as i’d want them to be or stagnate. at the same time that i have strong opinions about what to do i resent having to take on more responsibility to enact it. i want to be part of an established, moral, process/group but it seems like everything is in flux all the time. just making sure: is this Te-Ne dysfunction ?

Your question is about type development. An important aspect of type development is understanding the weaknesses and flaws of your type, in terms of the ways that your type tends to misuse functions. You seem to believe that your problem boils down to a simple lack of desire to lead in group situations (weak Te?), but it probably goes far deeper than that.

Si-Ne problems often manifest as a general aversion to change, specifically, unwillingness to change how one looks at a situation, which would then significantly alter one's approach to it. Imbalance between Si and Ne becomes a very unhealthy stubbornness when one is also prone to Si-Fi loop that thinks in terms of pure absolutes. In essence, you believe what you believe and you want what you want, and nothing and nobody can break through that mental wall. Perhaps not even you.

Auxiliary development is meant to help with Si extremes and Si-Fi loop stubbornness by making you care more about empirical facts (Te) than your frustration (Fi). It isn't always easy to develop the auxiliary function when you come to believe that it interferes with what makes Si feel most comfortable (e.g. "just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable"). If using the auxiliary function feels so "tiring", it doesn't mean that you should avoid using it. Quite the contrary. It's an indication that you haven't yet learned to use it properly, which means further development is necessary.

Te wants efficiency, that much is true. However, what separates immature Te from mature Te is how exactly one conceptualizes "efficiency". When Te is immature, one has a very rudimentary understanding of how to be efficient. For example, one is likely to believe that efficiency is achieved through assertiveness or even brute force, i.e., "making" things happen despite all the obstacles in the way. Is it any wonder that using Te feels tiring, then? You're essentially forcing yourself to swim against the current. Si doms are painfully aware that their energy is finite, so they quickly run out of steam.

However, Te isn't really about mustering up energy. This is not what makes TJs smart, strong, and formidable. Mature Te conceptualizes efficiency as reducing the amount of energy required whenever possible, which is why they have a lot of energy to take on very heavy workloads - some people call it "working smart". This is done through facing the empirical facts of a situation head on and learning to work closely with them, which makes it far easier to make them work in your favor.

Your problem requires a two pronged attack:

Are you able to change how you look at situations in order to improve your approach (to address Si-Ne imbalance)?

Are you able to face the empirical facts of the situation and work with them rather than against them (to develop better use of Te)?

Wanting to be part of a process/group that aligns with your values in order to enact some good in the world is an admirable thing to strive for. Presumably, the other people involved in the group have the same sense of mission, otherwise, they wouldn't have joined. However, what you fail to take into account is that people aren't generally single-minded.

Human beings are complex because they are motivated by a multitude of factors, whether they realize it or not. They are full of psychological conflicts, contradictory desires, irrational impulses, old baggage, and unconscious bad habits. And when you bring people together, all that stuff comes out and creates complicated entanglements. A "group" only becomes a "team" when it is able to overcome those psychological obstacles together, and it can be a very long process of learning how to maximize strengths and mitigate weaknesses in every individual member. That's why a lot of groups simply fall apart. While your intention to join the group seems simple and straightforward (because Si-Te is admirable in its ability to keep things simple and straightforward), other people's intentions might not be so simple. If you fail to take into account the irrational aspects of human nature, you will cause yourself needless suffering.

Your frustration with people is likely a manifestation of your unrealistic expectations of them. Perhaps you aren't able to understand people who don't resemble you, let alone work with them. And you will certainly be doomed to fail if the only way Te knows to deal with individual differences is to force everyone to become more like you. That's an impossible task, not because it requires the energy of a thousand suns as you assume, but because you're choosing to fight against reality. Mature Te would advise that you should first face down the empirical facts of how people operate if you hope to discover the most effective way to influence them. Your repeated experience of feeling disenchanted with groups tells you that you're missing an important piece of knowledge about groups and how they operate.

I'll give you a very simple example from my own life. I used to gather with a group of 30-50 people once a week to conduct planned discussions. The discussions never really started on time despite everyone being in their seats because people weren't focused enough at the start of the session. There was often whispering and sidetalking and such that would go on for about half an hour before the room felt settled and focused.

One method of addressing the problem arose organically. Whoever was the main speaker simply started shushing people and it became a thing. Sometimes, it would even escalate to calling people out, like a teacher scolding a student in a classroom. This definitely made the social atmosphere less inviting and more tense. Sure, people would shut up after being called out, but they became less focused due to seething with resentment. Power struggles aren't great for group morale, especially if it's supposed to be a group of equals coming together for a common cause.

It all sounds quite childish, but these kinds of judgments are useless. You can call people childish, inefficient, incompetent, etc etc, but it doesn't solve the problem. And, worse, being judgmental blocks you from understanding people better and working with them. Perhaps an ISTJ would see this as a "mess", an "inefficiency" that wastes time, and evidence of bad character when people break the rules.

However, if you change the way you look at the situation, you might not be so quick to make such judgments. Actually, it's kind of weird for a bunch of people who know each other well to enter a room and immediately sit down quietly. Humans have a natural tendency to socialize as a way to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Isn't group cohesiveness a good thing, since it encourages better cooperation? If you are able to see the benefits of their chatty behavior and how it contributes to group cohesiveness, then instead of fighting against it, you would think of ways to harness it.

The real problem wasn't inefficiency; inefficiency was merely the symptom. The more primary problem was that a lot of people joined the group not just to "get things done", but also to make friends. The structure of the event denied them from fulfilling that important need and then they were more likely to act out. This problem was discovered when people had a chance to talk about what was frustrating them, which meant that the group had to make space to conduct some uncomfortable conversations.

To address the problem, the group eventually decided that the first 15 minutes would be devoted to socializing and allowing people to catch up, with the explicit promise to get down to business when the time was up. Some people brought drinks, others brought snacks. Some even showed up early to have more time to socialize. It enlivened people and enriched their relationships. Being "officially" allowed to get the chattiness out of their system, they were better able to sit down and focus on the planned agenda. The meeting felt like fun rather than a chore. And if you're interested in a cause, don't you want to recruit more people to support it? Making things more fun is one good way to attract support. You can look at it as wasting 15 minutes OR you can look at it as a 15 minute investment.

Solutions to human problems require:

cognitive empathy: figuring out what's really going on inside people's heads (in Te terms it means working only with the empirical facts of the situation, rather than indulging negative Fi judgments)

strategy: taking the time to work with people and figuring out the best way to help them get over obstacles (in Te terms it means investing energy early and wisely to maximize your returns later, rather than putting effort into the wrong places or only stepping in to tackle mere symptoms of the problem)

creativity: harnessing natural human tendencies to produce something useful or worthwhile (in Te terms in means taking what's already there and transforming it into a NET positive, rather than getting too fixated on every little negative detail and losing sight of the bigger picture)

Te can be a great function for dealing with human problems as long as you overcome the immature aspects of it, such as impatience, bluntness, or inflexibility. Every person is unique, so every group is different. Let go of the idea that there is only one way to approach a problem/conflict and you will start to be more creative in your approach. By accepting the fact that things are always in flux and using empirical evidence to understand and predict how change works, TJs become much more effective and efficient at everything they do. When it comes to people, meeting someone different from you is an opportunity to learn how to deal with that kind of person. The more knowledge you have of human psychology under your belt, the better you get at dealing with people's weird or negative tendencies. If a strategy works, use it again. If it doesn't work, adjust it to fit their psychology better.

In your situation, you see the problem as people being inefficient, so your inclination is to step forward and do something to "make" them more efficient. Humans aren't built with the prime directive to be efficient. They're not machines. Their psychology is messy, so trying to force them to behave like a machine is to force them to go against their psychology. In other words, you're choosing the least efficient approach. The more efficient approach, though it requires more intelligent thinking on your part (you want to become more intelligent, right?), is to properly understand the more primary problem of what's really causing them to be so inefficient in the first place. That is the way to discover the right strategy. If you are able to target those obstacles at the very root, efficiency improves more naturally.

Oftentimes, working smart doesn't require you to step up and be THE leader for everyone. As an introvert, it's probably more comfortable for you to work behind the scenes to talk to people, get a better idea of what they need and/or what problems they're experiencing, and incrementally remove the obstacles that are preventing them from focusing on what they should be focused on. You can't fix everything all at once, so just do what you can to fix what you are able to fix at any given point in time. It's a process and some progress is better than no progress.

[logically-asexual]

im so annoyed about this whole remus and logan thing i can’t stop thinking about it. so a long ramble under the cut.

i finally am being able to put into words what bothers me about logan’s character development, particularly him vs the dark sides.

first of all, virgil. virgil had a whole season for his development that was kind of natural and credible. he is a nuisance in different ways, thomas recognizes he has anxiety and looks for ways to cope, which logan learns to bring up later, then virgil keeps causing trouble but makes some good points sometimes, then thomas decides to accept him for the good he brings and they all manage better. all this happens within episodes that aren’t always about anxiety. they SHOW us how the sides’ perception of him and his character have changed through the stories, instead of lecturing us about it.

with janus they kind of attempted the same thing but with a speedrun of three episodes that crammed everything together with little plot. in fact the plot is just an excuse to make every single step of janus’s developement happen, and this progress with janus is the center of the episodes. at least there is some plot, but its not as natural, we don’t see thomas struggle with him casually, we don’t see logan or patton learning information about how to deal with him. its not how a normal person would go through this. but we do see different stages of his acceptance and we see all the sides learning new things about janus gradually.

but then with remus they just pressed literally everything in one video and all the learning thomas would have to do about him and dealing with him that he did with virgil in an entire year happens in?? 40 minutes? because he (logan) somehow already knew everything and he just had to remind himself (patton and virgil) of it?

that’s how i see the dark sides’ development (?). now logan.

with virgil you could assume logan took note of what Lilly said in that first video, then logan and had thomas research about it and find strategies to later use them when they were necessary. as if Taking on Anxiety was a first step with learner’s wheels and then My Negative Thinking was thomas being able to repeat the process on his own. it makes sense. first someone teaches you and then you do it independently. you can believe there was a learning process with Logan’s help right there, beginning with Logan (and thomas) not knowing something and then researching (between videos), understanding it, to finally accepting it.

after the debate logan was still neutral about virgil, and was pushed to reflect more about his role until he disappeared, to finally come to the realization of why he was necessary, by remembering a small fact he learned while researching strategies (the yerkes dodson curve). that one isnt a streategy, so makes sense that logan just saved the info and didnt completely internalize it until it became useful. thomas learned what he was told to and then used it when the situation required it.

but with janus and remus thomas has to figure it all out on his own. except he doesn’t, because Logan already knew everything. he already knows what the dark sides represent, every single thing they encompass, he knows what the studies say about the problems they cause, he has understood, accepted, and internalized everything before the videos even start!! and then its only him telling the rest of the sides what he already learned on his own? he learned all this with the rest not being present or without it causing any emotion whatsoever? how can logan memorize all this stuff if thomas used to be indifferent towards it? you learn through connection with your emotions. it mAKES NO SENSE that logan knows all this.

also logan is defensive and gets frustrated easily. thats essential to his character. and you could see he was annoyed and bothered by anxiety in the first season. anxiety got in his way sometimes so logan also didn’t want him around at the beginning.  WHEn did logan have this development of suddently not caring at all what the dark sides do? not caring at all how remus affects thomas’s productivity while when roman does it he goes into screaming matches and even throwing stuff!!. it is stated that he does have feelings no matter how much he denies it, , then why doesn’t he feel anything At. All. when confronted by remus? why is he so calm around him? when did he learn to deal with him?

even worse: logan went through a whole arc of accepting virgil, just like the rest of them, but he still can’t even deal with Roman and Patton with whom he interacts literally every video?? he is so affected by them everytime they do something irrational, gets angry, and starts yelling about what does and doesn’t make sense. he says he doesn’t have this problem with remus because his ideas shouldn’t have an impact on thomas if they don’t let them. but when and how did he learn this? how does he know intrusive thoughts are different from other thoughts thomas has that he, as logic, doesn’t like?

logan said in the video its bad to try too hard to make sense of remus’s contributions. that sounds like something LOGIC would do. try too hard to make sense of him until (with experience and research) he realizes it is impossible and gets them nowhere, and also would end up hurting thomas more in the long run. then why can’t we see this development? how does he JUST. KNOW? how does he know before the duke is introduced what will and wont hurt thomas if this is the first time ever that thomas is hurt by him?

i can stay here complaining all day honestly. there’s so much logan as rational thinking, reason, logic, of a person (who doesn’t have any experience with therapy or believe in it, apparently) could have gone through while learning about dark sides of your personality. they dont have to show it on camera if they think they already showed enough of this process for virgil! but somehow imply that this development happened, and not just have logan suddenly be this perfect all knowing  entity that knows exactly what to do before it happens. i think logan lecturing them about intrusive thoughts for 20 minutes was a lazy decision, no matter how much work it took to write those dialogues. its lazy because it doesn’t fit with the storytelling style they chose to make Sanders Sides with, but they didn’t take the time to figure out a way to make it fit.

im going off again.again i can do this all day. but im going to stop now. sigh.

[e-milieeee]

miscalculated ingenuity—ladrien

Summary: When Adrien’s Miraculous goes missing, chaos ensues. 

Thankfully, Marinette has a little something up her sleeve. 

Notes: i suck,,, i opened rqs for ladrien june and barely did anything IM SO SORRY. and this sucks because my brain is fried. anyway this is requested by @involuntarydiaphragmspasm, @bricus27 and @gyrsaker365—Daydream and Ladynoire for @ladrienjune! Take Marinette being the mess she is. 

(Post reveal, post relationship!) 

Or read on AO3! | Kofi

Adrien’s Miraculous is gone, and if Ladybug doesn’t kill him, Adrien’s sure Hawkmoth will find out and do so.

He doesn’t know how he lost it. He doesn’t when he lost it.

What he does know are the consequences, and Adrien has thought of plenty.

First, there’s Ladybug. When Chat Noir doesn’t show up to the next battle, she’ll know—and because she knows who he is, she will inevitably come find him. Then she’ll find out he lost then. Then she’ll hate him.

That barely skims the surface of how bad it can get. If his Miraculous had been lost somewhere else, what if someone had picked it up? What if some random citizen in Paris had found his ring, put it on, and accidentally took up the mantle of the black cat? What then? Best case scenario, they find Ladybug to return it to her. But right now, it’s all worst case scenarios that are playing through Adrien’s head, and he’s certain that if something like that does happen, tragedy is going to strike. Ladybug’s going to accept a better, more responsible partner. He’ll be replaced.

Or worse—what if Felix finds it? After the whole fiasco of his cousin pretending to be him, Adrien can only imagine with mounting horror how bad that will be. It’s irrational, of course, given that his cousin hasn’t visited Paris in months—but still. Felix can be charming when he wants to. What if Felix, under the guise of Chat Noir, charms Ladybug? What then?

Then there’s the worst one yet: there’s a chance Hawkmoth finds his Miraculous. Adrien doesn’t even want what would happen if that actually transpired. All he can imagine is Ladybug having to face Hawkmoth alone, but with the power of the butterfly Miraculous and the power of destruction combined—even Ladybug, with all her wits and ability, won’t be able to take him on her own.

Adrien is going to cry if he thinks about it more. No, Hawkmoth must not have the Miraculous.

He tries to remember the last time he’d had it. The last person he saw before running home was Marinette—Ladybug—and he’d been certain the ring had been on his finger when he’d walked home. Having already scoured the entirety of the walk to school and back to the house and now confined by Nathalie to his room, even searching is not an option.

Panic nearly pulls him back under. How in the world is he supposed to face Ladybug now? Tomorrow, at school? What about an akuma attack, if he doesn’t turn up? Adrien can picture even worse scenarios, and they tumble over him like a precariously stacked house of cards.

He misses the creak of the window opening completely, but the voice that speaks is undeniable.

“Adrien,” Ladybug says, following the quiet thump as her feet hit the ground.

Adrien snaps out of his mess of thoughts.

Oh, no. She’s here. She knows he lost his Miraculous. She’s going to—what, renounce him? Disown him? He’s the worst partner ever, and he knows it. She’ll hate him.

Just when he’d thought they were getting somewhere.

But he can’t stand there forever, and perhaps there is a slight chance that Ladybug doesn’t know. Maybe he can play it cool, find the ring before she knows it’s gone, and be none the wiser the next day.

Adrien forces himself to turn around.

And screams.

It’s Ladybug’s voice alright, but instead of the red with black spots he’s usually accustomed to, she’s in a black attire. A hint of green lines the suit, the same color once-blue eyes have shifted to. Two ears sit on top of her hair, which swings behind her in a long dark braid. She’s the same; recognizable now that he knows the girl beneath the mask, but…

Adrien’s legs have turned to jelly and he’s positive he’s a second from collapsing. Ladybug—Ladynoire?—is smiling at him, although her expression is slightly uncertain. Then she holds out her hands, where a white box sways, and says, “Surprise?”

Between the choice of bursting into tears and collapsing, Adrien somehow manages to sit down on the nearest chair.

“I—” he begins, but the words catch in his throat. “What? I thought… I thought that… my ring? Why do you have Plagg? What’s happening?”

Amidst all the worst-case scenarios Adrien had daydreamed of, this is very, very good. But much more confusing than anything else he’d imagined.

Ladynoire stares at him with wide eyes. “I wanted to bring you cake,” she blurts, stumbling over her words. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I’m not… scared,” Adrien replies numbly, although that’s a lie if he’s ever told one. Not scared, terrified. Absolutely shell-shocked. “I still don’t know what’s happening.”

They stare at each other. Then she shakes her head and mutters, “Claws in.”

In a flash of green, Marinette Dupain-Cheng stands in front of him, still holding her little box. Plagg flits from the silver ring on her finger in a blue of black, and plants himself right into Adrien’s hair.

“Surprise!” he trills, voice cracking. “Oh boy, you should see your face right now. You look like you’ve seen a ghost—”

“Plagg.” Marinette’s tone is severe. She waves her hands. “Read the room!”

Plagg clears his throat. “Okay, why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost, then?”

Adrien plucks his kwami out of his hair so he can hold Plagg in front of his face. “Where did you go?” he demands, giving a little shake. Marinette winces in the background.

Plagg wiggles out of his grasp and points at Marinette. “It was her idea!” he accuses immediately, then folds his arms in front of his chest. “She wanted to surprise you because you told her you wanted to see her as Ladynoire again, and since you were feeling down, she also brought you cake. I told her it was a terrible idea, but she promised me it would only take a couple moments and you wouldn’t even realize your Miraculous was gone! Blame the Ladybug.”

He ends his tirade with a glare at Marinette to prove his point, and Marinette glares right back at Plagg. “You—you traitor!” she nearly shrieks, scandalized. “This was your genius plan!”

“My genius plan?” Plagg fires back. “Adrien won’t believe you. I don’t do plans.”

Marinette, seeming to have forgotten about him for the moment, pokes Plagg with enough force to send him back a pace. “You were the one who cornered me about using the Miraculous and surprising him. The only thing I planned was getting him cake.”

“Well, everything else was you—”

“Guys,” Adrien interrupts. His heart has ceased the hammering in his chest, even though he still feels like he’s about to burst. “I’m… still really confused.”

Marinette shoots a death glare at his kwami. Then, putting the box down on his desk, she takes a deep breath. “Plagg told me you were feeling down these past couple of days because… um, it’s your mom’s anniversary for disappearing, right? Apparently you were talking about me with the black cat Miraculous a couple days ago and how you wanted to swap again just for fun, and I thought that I could do that and maybe it would cheer you up. Then you mentioned your dad put you on a diet again and my mom was experimenting with cakes the other day, so I thought I would bring you a couple slices of that as well and then I got caught up in the bakery because I wanted to bring more than one thing and then I saw that an hour passed and I really ought to have come by before you knew your Miraculous was missing and—” She breaks off to catch her breath, waving her arms around wildly once more. “Then this happened, I guess.”

“Oh,” Adrien replies, because it’s all he can manage out. It’s still so overwhelming he can barely think. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry,” Marinette mumbles. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I got too carried away, and just like that, all the time passed. When I finally realized I ought to come find you… well, I guess you noticed it was gone. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to make you feel better, not worse.”

“I don’t feel worse,” Adrien admits. He gets to his feet, albeit still shakily. “I was scared I lost it, and I was scared you’d hate me for that and it was terrible, but now that you’re here…” he opts for a smile that he hopes isn’t wavering. “It’s okay, Marinette. I know you didn’t mean to scare me.”

She looks visibly upset now. “But I still did make you feel worse, didn’t I? I’m really sorry, Adrien. I-I should’ve thought it through better.”

Adrien shoots Plagg a look. “Well,” he points out, “you weren’t the only one with the idea, so there’s that.”

Marinette shifts her weight, and Adrien decides to change the topic. He reaches for the box she’d set on his desk (thankfully, his hands have stopped shaking) and opens the lid carefully.

Nestled inside is a pile of sweets. Enough to last for at least three days, and also more than enough sugar to give his father a heart attack just by seeing it. Adrien grins.

“I mean,” he tells her, mood now cheerier, “if this is why it took you so long, you are even more forgiven than before.”

At that, Marinette cracks a small smile. “I made sure to bring your favourite flavours,” she tells him.

Sure enough, amidst the tower of sweets, he spots Marinette’s signature passion fruit macarons. Adrien can’t help it; his face splits into a grin, the previous terror melting away. It’s undeniably sweet—she’s undeniably sweet.

“Thanks.” He reaches into the box, plucks one of the macarons, and shoves the whole thing into his mouth. “Loosen up, Mari. It’s fine. Not one of your most brilliant ideas, but it makes sense given who pitched into it.”

“Hey!” Plagg’s indignant voice pipes up.

Marinette slips the ring from her finger and returns it to Adrien. The familiar cool band of metal is calming against his fingers. He lets go of the breath he’d been holding, then reaches out and pulls her in for a hug.

Marinette is still stiff for a couple moments before she melts completely into his embrace. She smells like strawberries and vanilla and comfort all around. “Thank you for cheering me up today,” Adrien repeats, “and bringing me cake. Even if you did scare me, I know you meant well and that’s all that matters. Just as long as you don’t do it again.”

She squeezes his shoulders. “I won’t,” comes the promise. “And for what it’s worth, Adrien, even if you do end up losing your Miraculous, I wouldn’t hate you, you know. I’d never hate you for anything.”

Relief and fondness rush through him all at once, and Adrien pulls back so he can see her properly. Then he leans down and presses a quick kiss against the corner of her lips.

Marinette looks like a deer caught in headlights when she peers up at him with wide eyes, and laughter escapes Adrien. “Your face is as red as your old suit,” he can’t help but tease.

Her face goes even redder, but Marinette manages to sock him weakly on the arm. “Don’t make me take away all the desserts,” she threatens.

Plagg, who has moved to sitting on Adrien’s desk, makes a gagging sound. “Can you take your flirting somewhere else?” he demands. “I’m glad Adrien’s feeling better and all, but—hey! Tikki! It’s the truth and you kn—mmph—”

Adrien watches as Tikki drags Plagg away, a paw pressed securely over his mouth. She gives him and Marinette a cheerful little wave, then turns back to scolding the black kwami.

A little giggle escapes Marinette. “Alright, kitty.” She loops her arm through his. “Which movie are we going to watch this time?”

Notes: Check out my fics masterlist! 

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[sunareii]

wc: 2773

suna grits his teeth, the light's too strong for him to see. he close his eyes shut, having no intentions to torture his eyes at the glow infront of him that is brighter as his mothers cellphone brightness. a deafening sound screeches at his ears like metal scratching another metal, oh how annoying that sound is.

he squints his eyes slightly as if his default eyes wasn't squinted enough. he could see a person, a female he assumes by their figure alone whose back faced towards him but the luminescence made his sight blur, he couldn't identify who it is

voice echoed insignificantly, he doesn't know whose is it nor where it's coming from except the voice started to scratch him in the head displeasingly

rintarou! rintarou! rintarou!

sunas eyes blinks open once to be greeted by his mother scowling after he has bestir himself from a horrible dream. he could hear a small voice saying 'oh no' inside his head as it's definetely not the first time he woke up to an angry face

"do you have any idea what time it is?" his mother barked, her face continues to grimace at her son. suna sits up groggily and reached for his phone beside him

12:47 pm

"how many times to i have to tell you to not stay up late!" she berates before pulling his cushion up, causing him to fall a bit from his stance and gets hit with it

"ow─! you just hit me with a pillow!" suna winces, strands of his dark hair are all over the place

"better than a slipper or your face would look even worse than just messy hair" the mother threatens before leaving the territtory so casually like she had not scolded anything at his sons ears. senzo could only choke a laugh at the freaky scene that occured upon his room, he had identified his apathetic relative as a fellow who would only shrug their shoulders when being rebuked or insulted. suna is infact a 'take no shit' kind of man, he's just wholesomely a bit playful with his mother.

suna goes down the stairs slothfully as his body might not be running his blood yet and he took a bit too long to go to the dining room where his food rests on the table cold as a corpse

"if you have woken up ealier it would have been warmer" his mothers interrupts from the living room. suna rolls his eyes then sneers  at his mother from the room

'i wasn't even complaining but i am now' he thought as he opens the large plate that covers his meal, his boiled eggs as soggy as ever

he sits down at the at the table then started contemplating about his recent dream, was it even a dream? though it seems a bit vague but vivid when he was still in a slumber. suna reckons it was just another weird hallucination. he has quite plenty of those so this one is no special, except that this peculiar reverie didnt have any sort of plot unlike the time he dreamt about the miyas and some random player from karasuno that he'd only seen once have a bachelors party at a couple he had seen in a movie before while also drinking blue liquid which now is extremely questionable but that was just an example of the long list

suna hears a soft thump going down the stairs, he glance to see his cousin all dressed up for the day

"hey sen, are you going somewhere?"

"uh.. yeah, why?"

"can i go with you?"

"sure..."

senzo probably didn't sound sure himself, well that's because he isn't used to people wanting to join him to go outside or anything at all and he was receiving a small friendly treatment from a cousin he didn't knew existed and vice versa.

the two went out briefly after suna changing into some proper clothing for the day, the walk is quiet like the usual though they do give some comments here and ther. the sun sweltered upon them while two or three clouds wafts against each other.

"im going this way, is there a place you wanted to go?" senzo asks after an abrupt stop

suna truthfully didn't have a particular destination, he went with him 'cause he felt like it. they went far for him to just go back, he thought for a long minute before a specific location passes in his head.

"yes, actually

"i'll see ya later then" senzo says before walking away

suna felt awkward since his destination is far from where they had gone to

he doesn't know why he's making his way there, for fresh air? for the scenery? for someone?

suna halts as he sees a narrow space in the side of the hill, he figured it's also a path way up to the old patio he visited. he begins walking upwards and repents at his decision mid-way. the path is rocky and hard to stay still on because of the numerous inconsistent rock shapes. it doesn't help that there's a hot atmosphere around him as he continues to go up carefully.

sweat drips down his forehead, his tiny strands of bangs sticking along on it. the heat annoyed him as he reaches the top of the mountain hill, the sun beams directly at the crest where he now stands but once he finished catching his breath the brightest star seems to appear infront of him.

somehow the fieriness of this evening─the reason he's such a sweaty mess─suna doesn't seem to mind it anymore as he watches the the girl he had came across twice stand infront of him. she was there, like she had always been, tossing a ball over her head for who knows how long.

'wait, she does volleyball?'

i mean, he could see it but at the same time not so much?

though you were tad bit taller for an average height of a female and you don't look like you hold any outstanding physical attributes either but he can't really underestimate you that quickly can he?

sunas being remained unnoticed due to her keeping her concentration firmly. she tosses the ball up into the air, patently going to do a jump serve. from her evident zealousness you would be tricked that she'll actually spike or even jump with experience. she was slow and her legs looked stiff when she leaped, hell, she didn't even swing her arms in time, she barely even touched the ball.

'uhh.. that was an awkward serve' her attempt to serve was futile and funny even, suna can't help but to chortle instead of detaining it, his attempt to be discreet wasn't great either. she let's out a light gasp as soon as she heard him cackling from the side, she already was embarrassed at her shot but now that the same cute boy she saved from the market is a witness at her own frustration made her embarrassment go off the line than where it should be

"that was an impressive serve you just did" suna starts sarcastically whilst disturbingly taking little steps towards her. she could only scream her embarrassment deep on her palm, peeking her eyes through one of the gaps to see him, picking up the ball from the ground.

"how long have you been here?"

"long enough to see eveything"

"pleas erase it from your memory" she says blatantly as she finally regains her composure, suna shrugs at her as he hands the ball back to her, she unhesitatingly grabbing it back only for him to extend his arm up. the ball being too high for her too reach since the boy teasing her is intimidatingly tall.

"it's not that easy" suna replies as he looks down at the figure shorter than him giving him an irratating frown, "what do you know about volleyball?" she mumbles, her eyes looking elsewhere.

"alot of things" he remarks with a heavy stare. the girl infront of him  seems surprised and asked "do you play?" which he answers with a curt nod. the silence after that is conscious and creates a long stare-down between the two, in addition to that is the beating heat of the sun baking them from below like they weren't perspiring enough from the exercise they had done in such a time.

"i'll just take this back then" she says as her feet tip-toes close to his level, the tip of her fingers hardly brushing off the ball. suna just stands there leisurely as he watches the girl he doesn't even know struggle into obtaining her property back.

suna gazes down at her meek nature, her cheeks faintly glows a pretty shade of pink, her hair  cascading down her neck every now and then, the sun rays paints her skin too perfectly

suna smiles slightly as he pokes a little fun with her and having fun himself except to the part where he begins to feel her chest nudging his whenever she jumps and immidietly gave her her ball back smoothly. "here" he says before walking away from his agitation

she cocks an eyebrow at him when she turns around to face his retreating figure, his phone buzzed at his pocket, opening it to get a message from his mom and the second years groupchat, well maybe third years for noow on. yet suna couldn't be bothered to open either of them seeing as his mom just texted him some chores whilst the groupchat is just filled with the twins nonsense.

"could you play with me for a little while?" she asks reluctantly, dugging her nails on the air-filled ball

suna is bewildered at the instantaneous request but he figured it's better to take up on her behest than do his mothers errands anyway

turning his heel back, he meets her big eyes with his flat slanted ones and his actions seems to answer her offer

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

"what made you think playing straight under the sun was a great idea?" suna complains, panting heavily as the sun eventually plummets down. they stayed up on top for hours and instead of actually playing suna ended up teaching her the basics of volleyball for goodness sake she was an extremely slow learner.

"what do you mean? i like it up here" her tone filled with confusion as she questions him

"the sun literally fried us"

"you don't look that good to me"

"huh?" suna's brain is now all muddled by her statement causing him to give a repulsive look, she didn't seem too bothered by how she voiced her proclamation and only started walking down the stairs, suna following behind.

"you must be thirsty, i'll buy us some drinks, my treat" she announces as she holds out her baby blue colored wallet, turning left as they reached down the stairs, the vending machine is conveniently there aswell. "any preference?" she inquires only for suna to shook his head

"water is enough" he answers shortly

their drinks clank down at the bottom of the machinary and some gulping could be heard subseuquently. suna exhales lowly after drinking some refreshment. the wind passes and gives a cold whisk ontop of their skin, the sky is painted deep orange along with pale red. they soon walk in silence with the cold bottles, hers being a can of juice in their hands.

"can we play again?" she unexpectedly mutters shyly

suna glances at her, the tip of her ears turning incredibly red. "don't you have your own friends?" he mentions as he takes another sip. "i know quite a few people but only one or two are actually my friends and neither of them plays volleyball" she explains with her eyes shut

"if you're that wishful to learn the sport why not join your school volleyball club?"

she groans "i can't, my father doesn't let me join any after school activities"

"why?" sounding invasive only crossed his mind once she gave him an answer

"my dad is very strict, i need to be home before five he says" she mocks her father at the end of her sentence in a playful intention

"you're already pass your curfew, you child"

"you look the same age as me though"

"oh really?" they banter and it felt like they have known each other by a relatively long time. he enjoys her company it's fairly not too solemn and to him it feels nice to have a friendly jest with someone who won't intend to cause any issues unlike some two other people..

the usual tranquil in every interaction seem to be becoming consistent and recurring, they soon throw their bottles away in the trash bin sitting down the street like any other decent person

"so can we play again?" she asks the second time with a little more anticipation

suna didn't answer and only looks at her emotionlessly. does he really want to? she was nice but she's rather tenacious, there was a moment where he wanted to leave during the whole session. it seems the longer he stayed quiet, the more she  became impatient

"come on! the guys who plays at the public court always looks intimadating"

"and i'm not?" he snickers while his eyebrow rose

"well, i didn't have the ideal impression of you at first though but now you seem like a cool guy" she explains giving him a small thumbs up

"do you mean when you rescued me in the market?"

"no, earlier than that" suna thinks for a moment to the point of looking up on the dark sky before the memory finally getting into his head

"oh, you mean the birdnest hair? yeah i remember now" he teases with a little smile

"it's not like you looked any better with your own hair at the time"

"so─!" she starts a little louder than her monotonious voice before smiling at him keenly exactly how she eyed him the last time they met "how about it city boy!"

suna sighs and scrunched his nose at the nickname, he presumes because of his unfamiliar dialect "you're that persistent, and why city boy?"

"i never got your name after all this time, you know" nor did he ever got her name

suna looks down for a moment, he couldn't fathom what is wrong with him just telling her his name, it's not like he won't get hers when he answers.

"suna rintarou" he replies blankly

"suna rintarou?" she says questioningly, he nods his head

"suna rintarou... suna rintarou" she repeats in a breathy whisper as if engraving his name in her mind

"l/n y/n" she introduces herself back, "nice to meet you, suna" suna didn't reply much and only says "likewise" back and continuous the conversation where they have left just before the introduction.

suna rests his hand in his pocket, "you seem too willing to hang out with someone you only met thrice"

"i like you anyway so it's fine!" she beams a little too bluntly and it didn't help how she closed the proximity between them, literally doesn't intend to let him go off the question.

"sure"  he mouthed rather than openly saying it

"what?"

"i said i'll think about it" he claims as he turns his back to her to turn on the side of the sidewalks, "see you! you should know by now where to find me if you ever want to see me" she emphasized, waving her hands at him which suna imitated briefly before disappearing to her sight completely.

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

"curse you gate!"

the door slides open revealing her father staring at her expectantly waiting for her with his arms crossed just rught after she got inside the platform

"what's your excuse this time?" he awaits, his finger tapping his forearm

y/n stops her foot on the soft muck as she faces her humble abode. she struggles to open the gate as quietly as possibly but the damned steel gate really wanted her caught, huh?

"i.. was playing volleyball.." she says with all honesty as she step infront of the doorstep

"alone again?" his father assumes, he doesn't understand why she keeps sneaking out outside just to be doing things all by herself

"nope, with a newly found friend this time" y/n murmurs as she takes off her shoes before entering her home nonchalantly. she wouldn't mind getting in trouble for the day and her father takes note of her uplifted mood quizzically

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taglist (open!); @akaaaashit​ @sredamancy​

[becuzpurple]

Chapter 25, pt. 3 - My Everything

Turns out that even though Tumblr ate my queued draft, it still posted at the right time - yay!

Also...trigger warning for brief mention of multiple pregnancy losses.

I hope you all enjoy!

(previously... ch. 25, pt. 2 - Bailey’s & Ice Cream)

It was nearly 11pm when I heard his soft knock at the front door.  I took a breath to steady my nerves, then hurried over to let him in.  Once the door was open and I saw him nothing else mattered, and we were at once in each other’s arms.

“I’m so sorry, Ed, I- .”

“ -shhhh.  It’s ok.”

“No, I was awful...the things I said, and then I just left...?”

“It’s OK, you were upset and needed some time.”

I shook my head.  How could he be so kind after what I did?

We stepped apart but I didn’t let his hand go, needing his touch as reassurance. He somehow knew and gave a squeeze as we moved into the living room.

“The kids are at my parents’ for the night.”

“Ok.”

We sat on the sofa, turned toward each other.  He had a leg tucked under the other, as he often does.  I kept a toss pillow on my lap, on which our hands were still clasped.

“I’ve made a mess of everything. Ed, I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, I should’ve...I told you I’d be there for you when things get rough, but I didn’t do that, and I’m sorry.”  

“I blindsided you,” I shook my head.  “You have every right to be upset.”

“I didn’t come through for you, love.  I won’t let that happen again, I promise.”

How do I even deserve him?

“You’re really too good to me.”

“Nooo,” he murmured, squeezing my hand.  We shared a look before coming even closer together.  I needed to touch him, to feel him - a physical sign of reassurance, I suppose, and it appeared that he did, too.  I laid my head on his shoulder while he rested his free hand on my knee.  We sat together like that, tentative and hopeful, until Ed finally broke the ice.

“Hey,” he murmured, his voice soft and soothingly low.  “I…can I ask you something?”  We both were hesitant to disturb our fragile peace, but things needed to be said.  

I lifted my head and met his eyes, nodding.

“Do I...does being with me bring more stress to your life?  Because that’s the last thing I wan -”

“ - no!  You...you’ve brought happiness back to me.  I feel loved, and I’m in love, and it’s...it’s so good.  Ed, I’m really, really happy with you.”

He was quiet for a few seconds, studying me, so many questions evident in his eyes.  

“That’s good...I feel that way, too.  But, you’re so unhappy tonight, and I don’t understand why.”

“It’s...it’s all me.  I think, well, remember when I told you about...my anxiety?”

“Yeah.  I was wondering if that was it.”  

I nodded.  “It was...pretty bad today.  When it gets like this I tend to hyper-focus on...something until it’s huge in my mind - like, way out of proportion.  I don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s seriously out of control - like tonight. And then I panic and just...want to disappear, or want everything else to disappear, so that feeling will go away.  I think that’s why I was like that, like telling you you’d be better off with someone else, and when I just...left.  I was trying to make everything just go away.  God, I’m so sorry, Ed.”

I covered my face with my hands, completely appalled at myself.

“I’m trying to understand...? You wanted me to go away? Like, how?  Like breaking up?  Is that why you said I should be with someone else?”

“I - I don’t really want that, I swear.  I was panicking and saying anything to try and make that feeling - that fear - go away.  It was my stupid brain being a bitch and I didn’t mean any of it.  Please believe me.”

“I do, I believe you.  I know you, and I...whatever that was, I knew it couldn’t be right.  I promise I believe you.”

“OK,”  I nodded.  I felt like such a piece of shit.

But, love, what has you so upset?”

I took a breath while trying to sort out my thoughts.  Ed remained the picture of patience with me.

“You...you’ve become very important to me.  You’re my everything.”

He gave a hint of a smile, then, and very slightly nodded and squeezed my hand, still in his, showing me he knew exactly what I was feeling.

“I never thought I’d feel like this again.”

“But, you’re worrying about something.”

“I’m probably being irrational or paranoid or something, I don’t know.  But, since Jason died...I’m really, really freaked out about losing anyone else who’s important to me...including you, now.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Kate.”

“But how do you know?  Anything can happen, right?  We could break up, or what if something...bad happens to one of us?”

He held my face in his hands, fingers splayed out and thumbs tenderly brushing my cheeks.  “Sweetheart, you’ve been through something really horrible, and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been...and still is.  I get why you have this fear, now.  You’ve seen first-hand how tragedy is so...random.”

I nodded, glad he seemed to get it, but also pretty sure I was about to hear a counterargument.  

He affectionately combed his fingers back though my hair a few times, and then rested his forearms over my shoulders so that we were face-to-face, quite close.  “I don’t mean for this to come across as insensitive at all, but...we’re all gonna go someday.  And knowing that, wouldn’t you rather live your best life than hold back?”

“What do you mean?”

“OK.  Umm, do you ever regret marrying Jason?”

What?  “No.”

“Of course not.  The fact that he’s gone now doesn’t make you wish you’d never married him, right?  You had a good life together...a beautiful family.  And in the same vein, worrying about losing...me, or anyone you have a relationship with shouldn’t stop you from keeping that relationship.  That would lead to a lot of hurt and regret, I think.”

He was right, and I knew that, logically.  But a part of me was trying to protect myself from reliving the pain of the worst loss I’d ever experienced.  I didn’t think I could endure something like that again, and I was really scared that once he was aware of my pregnancy issues, then it was only a matter of time before I’d be headed that way again.

Still, he needed to know.

“You’re right, and I do know that, but part of me is...pretty terrified.”

He shook his head, obviously trying and failing to understand.  “Why?”

Taking his hands again, I mustered up the nerve to tell him.  “Earlier tonight you said that you want it all...with me - a family, and children, and - ”

“ - Yeah, I...I shouldn’t have dropped that on you like that, both of us being so upset.  I guess I was kinda panicking, too, though, and it just - ”

“ - it’s...no, I know - I know, it’s ok, I - I get it.  But you...did you mean it?”

He took a breath through his nose, not breaking eye contact with me, and gave my hands a squeeze.  “Yeah.”

I was so afraid he’d change his mind after hearing me out, yet my heart still swelled, because god knows, I wanted that, too.  He smiled at me then, albeit a bit nervously, and how could I not smile back?

“I...I know I did it completely the wrong fucking way, and it’s probably too soon, too,  but I - ”  

“ - Ed.  I’ve been thinking about those things, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  And I worried that it’s too soon, too, so I didn’t say anything. But, I probably should have, because it might have saved me from my damn anxiety-brain.  But, no, instead, I just worried more, and then assumed things, and everything built up, and got worse, and...god, I feel so so stupid.”

“Kate.” He murmured, shaking his head.  “Nothing about you is stupid - please stop saying that.”

“OK,” I nodded.

“Good.  And this is good, though, yeah?  We both want the same thing?”

“Yeah, but…”

“No, no ‘buts’...”

I took a steadying breath.  “I’m sure my perspective is completely...fucked up, so I need you to tell me if it’s a real ‘but’ or not.”

He kind of half-heartedly huffed out a small, uncertain laugh.  “Alright.”

I didn’t know how to start, and shook my head in frustration.  “Sorry.  OK, umm, yeah.  So, you mentioned that one of the things you saw in our future was children...babies.  Our babies.”

“Umm, yea…?” His eyebrows shot up then.  I saw surprise, and then the question in his eyes.

“Ohhh, no.  No honey, I’m...I’m not pregnant.”  

“Ahhh, ok.”  He made a small, self-conscious laugh.  “When you said ‘babies’, and seemed kinda...nervous, I thought maybe…”

“I know, but...no.  I’m sorry, no.”  Damn.  Am I sorry for inadvertently misleading him or for not being pregnant?  Both?  Jesus...

“What I’m trying to say - and doing a terrible job of it - is that...well, that’s something that might not be very easy for me - having more babies.”

He was quiet, his face etched with uncertainty.

“I haven’t told you any of this yet, but, I have a history of fertility...problems.  We - Jason and I, we - you know, we wanted more kids.  It’s weird, because I didn’t really have any trouble getting pregnant with the twins, so we assumed it would be just as easy as it was then.”  I frowned, feeling that familiar heartache and frustration all over again.

“But, it wasn’t.”

“No. We tried on-and-off for...like, god, almost 6 years?  I...well, I actually did get pregnant a few times, but I miscarried them pretty early on.”

“How...how many times?”

“Three.”  

“Oh, god, love. I had no idea...I’m sorry.”

“Thanks...yeah.  I needed a lot of help getting pregnant, but then, even when I did…” I shook my head.  “We saw specialists, did all the testing…and they couldn’t find a reason for any of it.  ‘Unexplained infertility’, ‘unexplained pregnancy loss’.  I...well, so...I think you should know all of this before you make any big...life decisions.”

He brought his fingers to his mouth and started slowly shaking his head.  “No, wait,” he murmured.  “Are you...do you think I wouldn’t want to be with you because of this?  Is this what...oh god, is this why you said I’d be better off with someone else?”

“I know how you feel about having a family, Ed, and now we’re...starting to see this as being a very permanent kind of relationship.  What if I can’t have any more kids?  I’d hate to do that to you.”

“Whoa, wait, hold on.”  He shook his head adamantly.  “How...that’s not doing anything to - fuck, love, you think...like I’d blame you?”

“I don’t know...I guess I’d blame me.  I just know how important family is to you, and I wouldn’t ever want you to...miss out on that because of me?  Or...change your mind about us down the road because of it?”

“No...how could...I’d never do that!”

“But you want kids.”

“Yeah...but I...Jesus...” He rubbed a hand through his beard, visibly disturbed. “I’m not with you for the purpose of having children.  I - I love you and want us to spend our lives together, and that is not dependent upon whether we have babies or not.”

I started to reply - about to question him on how he’d feel if he never had any children, but he cut me off before I could begin.

“- wait.”  He fervently waved his hands in order to stop me.  “You’re only focusing on what you think I want.  But, this isn’t just up to me, right?  You - you get a pretty big say, considering that you’re half of us and it’s your uterus.”

Good points...

“For all I know, maybe you don’t want more kids.  Maybe you feel like you’ve already been there, done that.”

“No,” I shook my head.  “I don’t feel like that at all, I just don’t know if I ca-”

“- stop.  Let’s not focus on the ‘maybes’ right now, OK?  I want you - you’re the one.  But what do you want, Kate?”

I closed my mouth then, realizing that I’d started to fall right back into listening to that unhealthy anxiety-monologue, focusing on the negative, and not on what was actually right in front of me.

“I’m sorry, I - ”

He shook his head slightly, watching me with a small smile.  “Stop apologizing, you’re amazing.  But tell me what you want.”

What I want.  I knew, but I was still hesitant to say it without a qualifier - an excuse or a way out for him, just-in-case.  Which I knew was ridiculous, since he’d already basically said he wanted the same thing.  Finally, with a very nervous smile, I just said it.

“I want...you - I want us.  And, if possible, I’d love to add...to us”.

There were a few beats of silence as we stared at each other, and then he let out a barely-audible breath - he’d been holding it.  I’d been holding mine, too.

“Then we both want the same things.”  He practically whispered it, and then we shared an OMFG-grin for a few seconds.

“This is...wow?”

“Kinda crazy, yeah?”

“Do you think it’s...is it too soon for all of this?”

“It’s kinda how we do things though, innit?  Seems to work for us.”

“Yeah.”

Without warning I found myself wiping tears from my eyes.  

“No, don’t cry, sweet girl.”  He cupped my face in both hands again, gently brushing his thumbs across my wet cheeks.  “I love you.”  He pulled us together and kissed me so gently, almost reverently, on the mouth.  When it ended I could see that he was pretty emotional, too.

“I love you,” I whispered back, and returned his soft kiss with one of my own.

He exhaled again, much more loudly this time, looking elated, relieved, overwhelmed, and exhausted all at the same time.

“It’s late.  You probably have a lot to do before your flight tomorrow...er, today, I guess.”

“Oh!  No, I forgot to tell you - I canceled it.”

“Your flight?”

“Yeah.  After you left earlier I...well, I didn’t want to leave without fixing this.”

“Ohhh, hon, thank you.  And I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing - this is where I belong right now.”

“OK.”  I started fiddling with his hand in mine, sliding my fingers between his, lightly tracing each one with the tips of my own.  “When do you go back?”

“Dunno, I didn’t reschedule it, yet.  I figure we’ll work that out later.”

“But you have a lot going on at home, though…?”

“It’s fine, nothing was set in stone.”  He captured my roaming fingers in both of his hands, brought them to his lips and peppered them with the sweetest, softest kisses.

With my other hand I tenderly combed through the copper curls at the back of his neck, eventually guiding those beautiful lips back to mine and whispered, “Stay tonight.”

-------

likes, reblogs & feedback are LOVE!

There will be a pt 4.  :-)

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): The Continued Brainprocessing of Fucky Shit

it’s a long one boys but they all are atm

like jinkies scoob i have been Avoiding So Much with les drogues. avoiding so much like, wow, shit, I Feel So Empty Around People Who Were In My Life. but yes, very necessary to dissociate from this shit for a period while i adjusted to the possibility of, oh, wait, this really is My Apartment? this... i can Live Here without being Disturbed or Attacked? still adjusting. but without les drogues this time.

im continually coming to terms with like... ok, so, i have been and sometimes still like... engage in emotionally and physically abusive behaviour towards my own body, and to other bodies around me? 

and also, i am coming to terms with, this does not strictly mean i am An Abuser Forever full stop (i.e. Bad Person, Irredeemable, Disgusting, Abhorrent, Should Be Euthanised, etc).

this is reflective of, emotional and physical abuse has been so normalised to me as a young individual, that i have been repeating patterns of behaviour i saw routinely growing up, not even understanding why that kind of behaviour is hurtful or how i could do stuff differently. and that kind of makes me go, oh shit. dude, what the hell? that’s... that’s actually, yeah, that’s one fucked up upbringing. it really Was that bad. 

even regarding like The Voices In My Head(tm), my reaction historically was just like, scream at them? yell at them? injure the body somehow until they shut up or it passes out? 

which, uh, oh. that’s totally what my mother did when i was displaying “unreasonable” or “irrational” emotions as a small thing. rejecting then snapping then shouting then smacking until i either ran away to cry alone and injure myself more (emotional abandonment; reenacting and normalizing physical punishment) or went very numb and quiet and compliant like a Good Child (dissociative reaction/freezing; fawning). 

now like i am aware of these structures and this history Right Now. but still frequently i do get into the old frame of mind where it’s like, “you’re being stupid. you’re overreacting. you’re being melodramatic. Other People Have It Worse. Just Don’t Think About It” which, yeah, that’s introjected from a number of adult figures in my life. very very unhelpful, but when you’re a kid, you’re looking to adults for structures to implement to help you navigate your own life. when those adults are emotionally unhealthy... Yeah. this happens.

and right now, i’m like, uh, what the hell? it’s not a dick measuring contest, you’re telling a kid in pain that they’re not allowed to express their pain?

like i’ve talked abt this before probably but it’s an incident that reminds me how fucked up the whole situation was and is. when my school found out i was self harming in like y7 (so like, 11-12yo), because i’d cut so far down my PE shorts didn’t cover the marks, my PE teacher legally had to get the school to call home. and like, i fucking Begged her, please don’t, a call home is gonna make things SO much worse for me. but ofc the law is the law especially when it comes to teaching, and the call home got made. and later that evening my mother bust into my room with NO warning and fucking screamed at me, “You Selfish Little Cow.” 

like i went numb as hell. i don’t really remember clearly what she said after that but it was a whole tirade. stuff about how i was a brat and going to get her in trouble with social services and how i was ruining the family (implicitly, her life) and causing trouble, and how i ought to Think About What I’d Done. i was thinking/feeling, oh my god, she’s beating me again. i’ve ruined everything for everyone again. this is all my fault. i’m responsible, i’m the one to blame, i should have hidden it better. i’m not allowed to talk. i’m not allowed to feel. i’m supposed to be Quiet and Good and Do School and Not Annoy Anyone and Behave. i’ve failed. i am a failure. I Am A Selfish Little Cow. 

i think i tried to commit after she left? but like, in that way where you’re so numb and out of it you can’t actually physically pull together the methods, despite the mind wanting No More. 

and like i’ve been going to visit the woman that DID THAT TO ME. smiling and telling her about my life while Really Fucking Avoiding Telling Her Any Details About My Life. hesitating in pain and then adding “xx” to the end of the text messages i felt like i was obliged to send her. trying to convince myself “she’s my mum, i’m not gonna get another one, i should call her, it’s not so bad, we can talk about... uh, talk about politics, or religion, or, uh, her dog, or my siblings...” COMPLETELY fucking avoiding the fact that, like. this is the Same Person who caused me all that pain, and i don’t feel safe or secure talking to her about important details of my life, or my emotions, or, well, me. i hide and go Nothing Is Wrong! :) I’m Doing Fine! :) 

and! it really does seem like she’s not, you know, as cruel as she was with me, with her other children, at least since after i ran away. but no amount of that can actually change MY memories of growing up with her? my more-or-less programmed Make Her Happy reaction to her physical body? i can’t just, you know, conveniently forget those Things that Hurt Me to engage with her for her happiness. because, well, Her Happiness is not My Happiness, although i was lead to believe that was so. and, when i’m Conveniently Forgetting those things (i.e. my emotions at the hands of an abusive relative), i’m not behaving with the proper regard for myself as a person, and by extension i’m missing pieces of how to properly engage with other people. 

i don’t wanna like, mask the in between spaces of utter dread and anxiety and total blankness with Everything Is Totally Fine. I Am Functioning. Yes I Did Well In School This Year. That’s All That Matters. What Have I Been Doing? Oh You Know. The Usual. (without ever saying what The Usual is, because, yeah, when i’m in that Mode, i don’t fucking know what i do at home! idk how i spend my time! My Function Is To Avoid Conflict). 

because, uh, yeah, academically, sure! i am functioning, sort of! bodily? uh, well, i’m SLOWLY learning how to properly feed myself, and sleep without chemicals, and stay clean, stuff like that. socially? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. okay, fuck. that’s the one i can’t... figure out, like, at all, on my own. how do i... where the fuck do I even start? i’m not even okay enough with Myself to navigate the social world without passing inappropriate judgement on potential peers. i see people who might, Might, be friends, and my brain goes POTENTIAL THREAT REGISTERED. SELF: SIGHTED. ACTION: HIDE. DO NOT APPROACH. FLEE IF CONTACT INITIATED. 

SO LIKE. my issue now is, i totally know that like... these patterns of behaviour are not My Fault, don’t make me Useless, Bad, Bratty etc, if i sit down and write about it, frowning on-and-off for hours. but, i can’t actually implement these regulatory thought processes in realtime quickly enough to... meet new people and enjoy it? on like, a social level? even on a professional level i have to wait for a good day, and switch off like, chunks of me to get the Task Completed. and uh, talking to friends isn’t a Task process, it’s supposed to be a Leisure process?

i’m quite capable of filling my time and navigating the world quietly, alone! there is a surprising amount i can find to do. but hypothetically i’d really like to, like, meet people, and not talk about “haha dude I’m so sick right now. let’s smoke another blunt,” because while it was... uh, reassuring? and i suppose fun? for a while? to meet other people dealing with life pain like that, that sort of thing gets really mutually toxic.

like, i’m in the process of quitting drugs altogether, and drugs tend to go hand in hand with that social space. daily use, even second-hand smoke, is not something i can be around any more. weed was great for ages, but now like, the drug basically told me “nah g i’m not for u any more”? - as in, it was not helping me any further, i could feel this, and i just... smashed the pipe i’d smoked out of since living in the YMCA, deleted my dealers’ numbers, and withdrew. goodbye ganja! I Keap The   B o m g   In My Mind Now

i was offered like, support from a local drug addiction charity? people fucking pushing me and pushing me to go there, actually. but like... i step outside the place and the ground is carpeted in fag ends. there are cheap booze shops like 5 minutes walk away. it felt like the kind of place where something heavy would come up in group, and i’d be with the people who peel away afterwards to chainsmoke, get a couple litres of cheap voddy, then somebody pulls out their second phone to get a baggie of the good shit once the booze hits? like it could easily just drag me back down. this is a thing i gotta discuss later, and more privately. that kind of group Not For Me.

i’d also like... started Really noticing the whole undercurrent of like, anger and judgement and denial and impermanence in the we’re-all-mentally-ill-here social spaces i used to hang out in? and i’m aware that i was participating in that too, and that while it was good to begin with and for a long time, it really isn’t good for me any more. actually tbh i go Completely Wack upon returning to those people and places now. which, fuck, like, if the person in question happens to be reading this, i’m very sorry. and yeah, sorry doesn’t cut it, because that must have been Fucking Alarming from your perspective, and i wouldn’t have done it if i’d been in my right mind, and i wasn’t in my right mind, and currently can’t be around so many triggers, and yeah your lifestyle being triggering to me is NOT your fault at all, which is why all i can really do is a disappearing act. cuz there’s no conversation that can even make a goodbye feel right, fucker that this situation is. rip. 

so yeah uh. my issue now, is Establishing Trust and Healthy Social Connections. that is, trust that someone is gonna like me for, the collection of things i like and do and say and am? uh, or even several people? 

this... is one i can’t figure out Alone, because, well, it concerns social relations. and i have very little confidence in social relations, because, well, they’ve either been painful, or centered around painful experiences. and i’ve been told that when i’m really truly enthusiastic and happy about something, i’m overwhelming and annoying to others? so i put the brakes on like crazy if i start feeling “too” happy and end up going Appeasement Mode to get out of the social situation as quickly and smoothly as possible.

and uh, what, i don’t even know the collection of things i like and do and say and am. i don’t... Know all of those things at any one time. how, uh, what? what am I. you know. the usual ??????????? flippy haze. 

i mean! i’m getting better at talking Within myself. i REALLY try to talk slowly with kindness and understanding of context to myself and the voices in my head now, and figure out solutions to pain and problems that don’t involve different kinds of pain or avoidance? but i still lapse into like, you know, Augh Jesus Christ I’ve Heard This One Before Why Do I Need To Have This Discussion Again, and frequently i can’t find a viable alternative for avoidance, because i get overwhelmed easily and that makes EVERYTHING worse. and i haven’t figured out how to take my foot off the brake pedal, either, even though i’m not always pressing it. I Need It There For Now Or Else The Car Might Crash u kno. 

so, like, what? i guess i just keep, talking kindly to the voices, and also to myself? practice until it becomes the default state of being when a trigger pops in? this requires patience, and also booting away people who refuse to have patience with me. unfortunate, necessary.

the thing about IRL conversations, is they happen so QUICKLY, and like, i don’t have enough time to calm the brain down from every trigger that pops up! because like, it can be a facial expression, a movement, a word or phrase, a tone, something in the periphery, something behind me, an internal sensation. it’s SO much information my brain is scanning urgently for threats, and my brain scans harder the more a person knows me, because a person who knows you can deal WAY more damage than a stranger. 

so... yes. this is the part i require assistance with. Hrrrrrrmmnhghdfgjnh.

I SUPPOSE. perhaps now the university have stepped in to arrange a case review with the NHS, they can really push for the kind of support i need. which, yeah, it’s long-term one-on-one trauma-focused counselling or therapy, and also some help with social interaction???? not repeated crisis team referrals, not some 12-week DBT course, i’ve literally been off finding DBT skills and employing them on my own because the waiting lists are so fucking long, and not a 12-week psychodynamic course, because i’ve been seeing a psychodynamic counsellor on and off for four years privately, and the work is nowhere near a conclusion. shit, i’d be satisfied if they could just somehow secure funding for me to keep seeing that guy specifically? he’s REALLY helpful to me, literally like my fucking role model for non-toxic masculinity. and i’m not ready for like, group social skills work, Yet. but soon, you know? only when i’m like “okay, yeah, i really do think I can handle this without my health going backwards again” - which, i need more within-myself security for that. 

also better mood monitoring would be nice, i.e. seeing the same damn person, who actually knows my case, instead of a different person every time saying “I’ve just quickly had a look at your case notes”. because if i go low again this winter, then my “depressive disorder NOS” is bipolar, and i’ve been mismedicated from the beginning. and yeah honestly like? as soon as it starts getting dark and cold, I get inexplicably sad, even with plenty of indoor light and warm clothes and whatnot. but yeah we’ll see about that.

anyway This Shit Wack. Im Done.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

The Mechanical Dragon (Part 7)

Zirin reaches out and strokes her cheek, the same cheek she had touched time and time before. She tilts her head and takes in the sight of her. Those golden eyes seem to have lost their shine to months of pain and distress. And her hair… she only has it in patches. Zirin brushes her hand over Azula’s head. It is somehow even more disturbing to view the various animal pelts and the clawed talons now that the hog-monkey head is off. Because now she can say for sure that they don’t belong. Because now she can see completely, the suffering they bring their wearer. And those wings, a paste-like yellowy ooze weeps from the places where they were jabbed in. Worser still, Zirin thinks that Azula’s skin is starting to grow around them. Her father will have to make quick work, the more her skin mold and fuse with the foreign wings, the harder they will be to detach. But he very well can’t work on her again now. He doesn’t have the supplies and she can’t imagine that Azula is ready for round two just yet.

 “Why didn’t you tell me that it was you?” Zirin asks. She knows that she isn’t going to get an answer. Regardless she pulls the princess into her arms, taking care to work around her wings. She doesn’t return the embrace, leaving a faint ache in Zirin’s heart. Azula tugs out of the hug. Looking into her eyes is like staring into dismay. She has seen Azula in moods before, but she has never seen the woman’s eyes so blank and hollow, so empty of all emotion save for a dash of agony and a flicker of fear, distrust.  

Distrust.

It stabs at Zirin, to know that the trust she fought to establish with her seemed to have evaporated. And to no doing of her own.

 She finds herself wanting to yell at the princess. To shout at her for this newfound mistrust. It is irrational she knows, but she can’t help but be a little bitter. She knows that it will do her no good to say anything about the matter so she, instead, offers Azula something to eat.

 With the hog-monkey head cleared away, she no longer needs Zirin to feed her. She struggles at first, to lift the chopsticks with awkward claws in the way. And struggles further to position them correctly. “Let me.” Zirin tries.  Azula shoots her the most agitated look, as though she is fantastically offended by the offer. Zirin knows then, that she is still Azula beneath all of that torment and fear. The same prideful and proud princess she’d come to know. She retracts her hand. “Kay, sorry.”

She watches her fumble with them for a while more before she finally gets a handle on them. However clumsily, she feeds herself. She eats fast, giving Zirin another painful reminder that she had been holed up in the ground only days before. She thinks that this may be the first time that Azula has eaten a decent meal in months. She sure seemed to be savoring the food, and Zirin always thought herself to be a horrid chef. Regardless she points to her empty bowl. Zirin can take a hint, she is requesting a second helping. She doesn’t really want to cook another serving but she promised that she would take care of the woman. If that means extra cooking and more dishes, she will do it.

 Eventually, Azula looks up. “Thank you.” It is the first thing she has said while awake since being rescued. Zirin almost goes teary-eyed again. She never thought she would hear that voice again. Though it is much weaker than she remembers, she clings to the sound of it.

 .oOo.

 The morning after brings more hurt. Zirin has long since learned that one has to suffer to heal in full. Her father and his work with Azula only reinforces this. Zirin wasn’t sure that it could get much worse than seeing the hog-monkey head come off. But the wings, those are proving to be worse. Her father orders her to mash herbs and mix aloe again. She hears him grumble something about the infection and how it treating it is going to be a tricky feat.

 She watches him clan his hands and pull out his set of scissors. He inspects Azula’s back for a moment before drawing a conclusion. He gloves his hands and pulls at a flap of moose-dragon fur. The one closest to the wings. “Stitched on good.” He grumbles and Zirin knows that this will be tedious work. She isn’t sure if he will even get to the wings themselves today. He pulls out a pair of scissors even smaller than the ones he just tried. He cuts the first thread and then the one below it and the one below that. Azula sits rigid, visibly tensing with each snip, bracing herself for some kind of pain that doesn’t seem to come. The first patch of moose-dragon falls to the floor. It would seem that she is a morbid quilt of the things. Zirin wonders if all of it is moose-dragon fur, she imagines that there might be other animals tossed into the mix.

 “Aloe gel, Zizi.” Okon requests.

 Azula hisses as he applies the aloe-herb mix to where the stiches had once been. She tries to push his hand away.

 “Let me do it, fa.” Zirin takes the gel and takes Azula’s hand and finishes running it over the line of needlework.  She backs off to let her father continue. He carefully clips away at another pelt. One after another, pausing only to let Zirin apply aloe. They work until every last pelt is removed and discarded alongside the hog-monkey head, which is collecting maggots and flies in the rubbish bin. Zirin shudders to see that some are clinging to the pelts that her father had just removed. They had burrowed there, probably when Azula was still confined. And they had been feeding and growing larger. She sees Azula’s eyes fall on the pelts and the insects thriving off of them. It disturbs Zirin to note that Azula doesn’t seem surprised to see them, she knew that they were there. She knew very well.

 The longer her father stares at Azula, the more closely he inspects her, the more her discomfort seems to grow. Zirin watches her shift uncomfortably. “He’s not going to hurt you…or say anything about you.” She offered. “He’s just trying to figure out what to do next.” She doesn’t think that her words helped, Azula doesn’t trust her Okon. As his eyes scan the princess, Zirin makes an observation of her own.

Another thing that brings a fluttering to her belly.

Seeing Azula’s naked body for the first time, it occurs to her that the woman’s once perfect, flawless skin is going to be a mess of scars resembling a pai sho board. The stitchwork had been so uneven, just one more slap. She can’t imagine that Azula is taking it well, she hadn’t even assessed the damage for herself yet.

 Zirin hands the aloe gel to Azula, thinking that she’d rather apply it herself. She does so wordlessly, her expression as unreadable as it usually is with her. As she tends to her own injuries Okon rummages through his drawers.

 “I have anuter job fer ya, Zirin.”

 “What do you need me to do?”

 “I needja to get summore things from the garden. Ash daisy, chili pepper juice, ‘n orange jade.”

 Zirin wrinkles her brows. “I’ll go ‘n get it.” She spares another look at Azula. Whatever is to come is unpleasant enough to warrant ingredients for a potent sleep inducer. She takes to the garden to fetch the plants. When she comes back her father is holding a saw, he takes care to keep it out of Azula’s line of sight. She watches him set it to the side and pick up the aloe paste, a rag, and a bucket of water. He begins scrubbing at the place where her skin seems to fuse with the bone of wolf-bat wing. The place that leaks a yellow-green and a coppery red. She needs the cleaning, Zirin finds it hard to watch and wonders if she should just head outside again and being concocting the liquid remedy to fight infection fever. She is about to step back outside when Azula lashes out. She does so in a weak but damaging display of teal-blue. Her father grunts as he hits the floor, muttering a couple of curses.

She is in so much pain, Zirin notes, enough to strike at the hand that tries to help.

 “Hol’ onta yer girlfren.” Okon hollers as he does when he is under pressure. His face is contorted into an angry scowl which does little to reassure his attacker that she is in tentative hands. Thing wings bob and she could see it on Azula’s face that it ails her so when they do. But she brings fire to her palms again and tosses them with a furious yell.

 “Stop it!” Zirin shouts. And when she doesn’t Zirin yells louder. She is worried for her dad as much as she is for Azula. Azula who is more akin to a cornered animal than her regal self. Zirin’s worry makes sparks a rage in her, one she is hard pressed to control at the best of times. “Don’ touch ‘im, Azula. He’s tryin’ to help. Don’ touch ‘im.”

Her words fall on def ears. She still has the sense to not body slam Azula. But that sense is fading rapidly as Azula’s barrage of fire grows more hazardous. Her father, a non-bender and the most non-violent person she’s ever met, sits passively. She knows what he is thinking, he doesn’t want to hurt the woman he is supposed to be helping. No sense in solidifying that distrust. But Zirin can’t let her hurt him and before she knows it, she and Azula are on the ground.

For a moment the princess’ eyes are wide they are almost frozen. But that suspended state is broken by a the most ungodly scream Zirin has ever heard and she realizes that she had partially ripped one of the wings off.

 Her heart leaps, she feels sick. Azula’s blood is streaming and Zirin is afraid that it can’t be stopped.  She can observe that some muscle tissue has been plucked with the wing. She actually gets sick.

And her cries.

Zirin has never heard someone cry like that. A terrifying cross between a wail and a shriek. Maybe she is alternating between the two. But it puts a decent hole in her heart, because she knows that it’s her fault. She only wanted to protect her father.

Okon himself is on his feet again. This time Azula lets him have his way, but the act of picking her up alone has her eyes rolling back. They wouldn’t need the sleep inducer after all. It was too much for her.

 “Hol’ ‘er wings steady.” Okon demands.

 Zirin doesn’t need extra coaxing, she holds the wings in place to the best of her ability as Okon lays Azula facedown atop a makeshift operating table. It is the one he usually uses when he’s working on his bigger machines.

 Zirin huddles in the corner feeling dreadfully ashamed at how she handled things. Her father finishes cleansing the infection. He is mumbling to himself debating over whether it is best to stitch the skin split from pulling the wing or if he should get on with whatever he was about to do before that. It doesn’t matter, Zirin has already concluded that she no longer has any business being there. She’s already made a mess of things and she can’t imagine that she instilled any trust in Azula. She stands up and pushes the door open. She only has it slightly ajar when she hears a gruff, “where ya goin’ ta?”

 “My room, father.”

 “No, no. I needja.”

 She pauses in the doorframe. “For what? I think I helped a’nuff for today.”

 Okon raises the saw. “I needja ta hol’ ‘er wings steady again. I gotta saw through the bone, make id easier ta take out.”

 Zirin cringes she can’t stomach it. The smell of infection is awful and she doesn’t want to see how badly she’d worsened Azula’s condition. But she does, she holds the wings in place as her father begins sawing through them. It takes too long, much too long. Azula gives a sleepy hum and her eyes crack open. Zirin leaves the wings to retrieve the ash lily, orange jade, and pepper juice mixture. Taking care to no breath it in herself, she wafts the fragrance in Azula’s direction until she fades out again. And Okon resumes his work until the bone is severed completely through.

 “This is gonna be the hard part, Zizi.”

It is a warning.

He begins snipping away the excess skin that has accumulated around the wolf-bat bone. When this is accomplished he places a hand firmly between her shoulder blades and yanks at the protruding bone. It comes out with a slurp.

 “It’s not gonna stop bleeding is it, father, we have to put it back.” She points at the gaping hole in Azula’s back.

 She sees it on his face, that he agrees. He doesn’t have the medical skill to plug the hole in a way that a professional healer would. It is late realized, but Zirin finally thinks about just what they were doing. They should hand her over to a real healer. They should give her to the royal doctors. But now she doesn’t have that kind of time. The blood flow is constant and urgent.

 “Ken ya clean it fer me?” He hands Zirin the bone. His own hands are busy wadding a clean towel and stuffing it into the opening. It will only slow the bleeding for so long, so Zirin makes the cleansing quick. They’re going to lose her, she can’t see how a person could survive this. Once the cleansed bone is back in Okon’s hand, he removes the cloth and sticks the bone back in place. He riffles through another drawer and comes away with a tin of blasting powder. He sprinkles it around the bone. “I needja ta fireben’.”

 Zirin hesitates. She isn’t awake, she can’t feel it. She repeats it over and over as she cauterizes the wound.

She has to keep up with the mantra much longer.

They have to replicate the process on the left wing. If they are going to leave it where it is, they have to clean it. Clean it and shorten it.

 Again Zirin feels like crying for Azula, not only is she going to be a mess of stitch marks, but those bones are there to stay. Her father manages to shorten them enough for her to be able to lay on her back again in time. But she can’t imagine that it will ever be pleasant.

 “That’s a’nuff fer tanight.” Okon declares.

 Zirin doesn’t protest, it was more than enough. She doesn’t know what else there is to do, save for keeping an eye on the infection. But she somehow feels that there has to be something else, something to make Azula feel better about the removal that is to dangerous to preform in full. She contemplates it as she dresses the woman. At least that would hand the princess some dignity.

 The princess is still drowsy so Zirin has to help her into bed. She can feel tension ebbing from her. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t let you hurt my father. He was just tryin’ to help.” She waits for a reply that Azula won’t give. “He really was, see.” She brings Azula to a mirror and lifts the night shirt some. “They’re smaller so they won’t get in the way.”

 Azula blinks at her reflection and then averts her eyes. She isn’t any pleased with the results, Zirin can tell. All of that suffering and the wings are still there. If only she can find a way to make something pretty out of something dreadful.

 “Please don’t be mad at me.”

 The worst thing is that Azula doesn’t seem furious. She is so far from who she had been and it scares Zirin. On a normal day she would probably find herself in an Agni Kai for her life. But today, the princess looks at her forlornly. All the same she is relieved to know that Azula isn’t going to push her away. Maybe she realizes that intentions had been at their best. Zirin allows herself to believe that, Azula is smart. She can read a person. She helps Azula find a place on the bed and bundles her up in blankets. “We cleaned the infection.” She holds out her liquid remedy. “You’ll have to drink this to get fightin’ the one you already have. Every day, ‘til it’s gone.”

 Azula takes the cup in her hands and sips at the mix of herbal juices. She makes a face, bitter was never a favorite flavor of hers. But Zirin watches her drain the cup. She holds the cup out for Zirin to take back. She sets it to the side and urges Azula to rest her head and close her eyes.

 She longs to run her fingers through Azula’s hair as she always used to when comforting the firebender. But the princess’ long locks are gone and she no longer responds to touch…not affectionate touches anyhow. She is so damaged and Zirin doesn’t know how to fix her. She think and fears that Azula is gone. She takes her hand anyhow and strokes it until she sees her eyes close. She wants to give her cheek a gentle kiss but can’t imagine her receiving it well. So she holds back on a motion that used to be so natural.

 Long into the night she peers at the other woman. Her eyes never seem to leave the small bumps that jut out from her back. She takes in the sound of Azula’s breathing and savors it, the princess is at peace. At least until morning. For once she seems to be sleeping soundly, she imagines that slumber comes much easier now that she is free of the hog-monkey head and the worst of thing wings.

 The wings…

How darkly poetic it is that a fierce dragon of a woman is ailed by wings…

The wings simply weren’t right for this dragon.

An idea finally comes.

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[marias-studyblr]

Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!). 

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing. 

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

[chillerhjemmeisak]

Could you do Noora going back to London, sort of the other way around from William coming back to Oslo? :)

“This would all be somuch easier if you just learned to do what I asked!”

William winced at thesound of the front door slamming as his father stormed out. It wasn’texactly rare that William pissed him off enough to illicit such areaction but each and every time it managed to dig an even deeperwound in his chest.

“Fy faen”, hesighed, dragging a hand down his face in exhaustion. Feeling astrange sense of relief at being able to speak Norwegian, his fathernot liking the sound of it when he could scarcely understand it,William sighed.

Collapsing onto thecouch, William brought his knees up and sat back against the arm.Dropping his head onto his arms and groaning in frustration, hethought back to his phone. Sitting opposite him on the couch, havingbeen thrown precariously by his father when he caught William textingrather than listening to another useless rant.

William stared at thephone, contemplating whether or not texting Chris would help releaseany of the pent up aggression he felt. It had become habit; textingChris a simple flame emoji was enough at this point to alert his bestfriend that he needed a distraction. Almost every time it came in theform of Chris updating him about Eva, until that bordered on updatesabout Noora too much and William had to ask him to stop.

London was amazing. Itwas both better and worse than Oslo, providing him with a much neededrespite. But, where Oslo held memories of Nicolai and his troubledupbringing, London was littered with memories of Noora.

Her coat, still tuckedinto the closet, was one the many imprints she had left on William’sLondon apartment. Her make up remained tucked into a cupboard in thebathroom and the bedroom was still overflowing with her influence.From the seemingly endless supply of clothes she had left behind tothe constant whiff of her perfume William got when he entered theroom, the bedroom was still as much Noora’s as it was his.

When she had left,William hadn’t expected it to last. He knew Noora,in a way that very few, perhaps not even Eva, knew her. And he knewthat sometimes she was spontaneous and irrational.

Butwhen the first 24 hours had passed and she hadn’t returned, Williamhad to really consider that she really might have jumped on a planeback to Oslo. When the first week had been up and she hadn’treturned, William had given up, tearing through the house to figureout if she really had left.

Whilemost of her clothes remained, which was arguably why William hadn’tbelieved she’d really left in the first place, all of her valuableswere gone. Her favourite bracelet, never worn but always stored inher jewellery box, was missing. Her books, laptop, pictures andpostcards were all missing. Her favourite clothes, including her topfrom Madrid, were all vacant.

Itwas only then that William started to realise she had really left.

Ithad been hard to accept at first, but by now William was used to thedull ache in his chest when he sat in the apartment, surrounded bysilence. Noora hated silence and as such, their apartment was alwaysfull of noise from music to her endless phone calls to Eva.

Hisfather had only seemed to worsen when Noora left. When she wasaround, he had been civil, sometimes even kind. He had purposely besofter on William lest Noora stand up to him, something William knewshe wouldn’t hesitate to do.

Nowthat she was gone however, his father had become cruel. With everymention of her name, William’s father grew more and more angry, andresentful of that fact that William had not yet moved on.

ButWilliam didn’t want to.

Sohe really wasn’t sure why he had lied to Chris. Telling his bestfriend that he had found a new girlfriend had seemed like a good ideaat the time, one that reflected his desire to get Chris off his back.Chris was his best friend but that meant that the boy was neverafraid to call William out, and had been doing so every day sinceNoora left. It had seemed like the easiest solution to get him tostop; to never have to hear the words “Come back to Oslo” everagain, because with every time he heard them he felt his resolvebreak a little more.

Williamsighed deeply, slumping back into the couch and spreading his legsout to lay down. Reaching down and grabbing his phone, he shot aquick text to work to let them know he wasn’t coming in beforedropping his head back against the couch.

Itall seemed to happen at once.

Firstthere was a ping! andwhen William looked down there was a text lighting up his screen.

Heraised an eyebrow at Chris’ message, a simple “Open the door”.William gaped at his phone; had Chris seriously come all the way fromOslo without telling him first?

Then,there was a knock at the door but William didn’t move to answer it.The knock was far too soft to possibly be Chris’ and the silence thatfollowed was so unlike his best friend that William immediatelyturned to his phone to text Chris back.

From William, 9:16am

Hvafaen, Chris? What are you playing at?

To William, 9:16am

WTFbro, open the door.

From William, 9:17am

Areyou seriously outside my door right now?

To William, 9:17am

Maybe.No. I dont know.

From William, 9:17am

Youjust text me to open the door

To William, 9:17am

soopen the door

From William, 9:18am

WTFare you playing at Chris? Why are you here?

To William, 9:18am

cosim a really fucking good friend

From William, 9:18am

?

To William, 9:19am

Pleasecome outside.

Weneed to talk.

Williamfrowned at the change in tone and with a groan of frustration, pushedhimself from the couch and moved towards the door. He hovered for amoment, sighing deeply before swinging open the door.

Andhe froze.

Noorasmiled nervously, handing Chris’ phone back to him. Chris stoodcautiously off to one side, car keys hanging from his finger and asmirk on his lips.

Williamquickly tore his eyes from his best friend and focused his attentionon Noora.

Shewas exactly as he remembered and a part of him felt stupid forexpecting her to have changed so much. But William felt like he had,as though her leaving had shaped him into a completely unrecognisableperson.

Butunlike him, Noora still looked stunning. Her hair was knotted anduntidy and her lipstick was applied haphazardly but her eyes werebright and wide and as vulnerable as he remembered. Her lower lipquivered slightly and she appeared as uncomfortable in the silence ashe expected.

“Halla”,she finally spoke, breathless.

Williamknew he was staring, gaping even, but he couldn’t help it. Swallowingand averting his eyes momentarily to calm down, he spoke.

“Halla.”

Theair between them was charged, the tension not sexual but so thickthat William expected on of them to break down any moment; and heprided himself on not often doing so.

Nooralooked just as unsure, as though so afraid to say the wrong thingthat she would endure the silence in order to savour the moment.

Thatdidn’t appear likely however as the moment William opened his mouthto speak, he was cut off by the all too familiar voice of Chris.

“Faen,just kiss her already” his best friend moaned loudly.

Noorarolled her eyes and the spell was broken. Turning to Chris, shesmiled softly but with obvious exasperation. “Thanks for getting mehere Chris, but you can seriously go now.”

Chrislooked offended for a moment but the grin that followed showed hewasn’t annoyed. “No problem.” Turning to William he said proudly,“See how good of a friend I am?”

Williamrolled his eyes, leaning against the door frame and looking pointedlyat his best friend. Chris seemed to get the picture and quickly movedto leave. Just as he reached the stairs leading down to the lobby, hefroze.

“Almostforgot”, he laughed awkwardly, turning around and dropping the carkeys into William’s palm. “Here.”

Williamstared down at his hands in confusion but before he could ask, Chrisshrugged. “If you’re wondering, yeah I brought your old car toLondon. And yes, I charged all of this to your card.”

Withthat, he spun on his heel and left as dramatically as expected ofChris, throwing over his shoulder an obnoxious “have fun!” Wherehe was going, William didn’t know. Nor did he care.

Thesilence settled once more and William knew he had to say something.In his state, he somehow managed to stutter out, “You came back?”

Nooraturned back to him quickly, as though she had forgotten he was there.The look in her eyes told him that wasn’t the case however andWilliam watched as a single tear gathered in her eye.

“Ishouldn’t have left”, she said adamantly.

Williamshook his head softly. “No”, he said. “It’s a good thing youdid.” At Noora’s look of confusion, he continued. “You needed to.For you. For me too.”

Nooranodded slowly. “Yeah.”

Aftera moment, William took a deep, steadying breath. He opened the doorfurther and with as straight of a face as he could manage, he noddedNoora inside.

“Let’stalk then.”

Hope you liked it, Nonnie

[tumblunni]

Oh and yeah don’t get hung up on the stupid idea of virginity as something you can ‘lose’ and you’re forever broken afterwards or whatever. Like.. you get to decide when you’ve become a sexually mature adult. if you want to consider it as a big changing moment in your life, you could make it whenever you had your first actually-enjoyable sexual experience. or hell, it could be whenever you first realized your sexuality, even if it was long before you had sex! And you dont have to quibble over what ‘counts’ as sex, and whether it has to be straight sex or whatever. And seriously, there is NOTHING ‘impure’ about being someone who’s had sex! And i say this as an asexual who does not enjoy the thing At All. I have like.. actual reasons to feel horrified at the idea of ever having sex, cos it would be non-consensual by definition. I feel I probably would indeed be stuck having a panic attack for weeks, feeling like I’m somehow not allowed to be asexual anymore because someone else forced me to have sex I didnt enjoy. i mean I get so paranoid about stupid stuff sometimes that ive been all ‘oh im not asexual because i.. like.. found someone mildly good looking once but didnt even want to date them’ :P So yeah, I can REALLY understand how it feels to be ashamed about the societal concept of virginity, I’m not trying to say that anyone is stupid for feeling that way. I just think its really important to inform people about these things so hopefully we can destroy the societal forces that enable and agree with people’s paranoias. the WORST thing is people who tell you the thing you fear is real, and even come up with even worse paranoid scenarios that keep you up at night! Man, the world can be fuckin cruel sometimes.

Oh and TMI kinda thing under the cut:

I haven’t ever had sex but I’ve uhh.. gah.. tried to masturbate to ‘become normal’ or whatever. it didnt work and it wasnt enjoyable, but I ‘popped the cherry’ so I was crying and hating myself all day until I found better biological education like this. i thought that like.. ‘im not a virgin now, even though i didnt have sex’, or that a hymen popping was meant to mean that somehow i enjoyed it even though i didnt? Like, that my own perceptions were wrong and that having sex EVER AT ALL makes you not asexual, regardless of whether you wanted it or enjoyed it. When nah actually hymen popping is literally just because you weren’t into the sex, which is a frickin logical explanation lol XD So yeah thats my story of my own traumatizing experience with virginity as a concept. I still worry nowadays that ‘well youre not a virgin if you fingered yourself’ and that somehow not being a virgin makes me wrong about my own sexuality, and I should be disgusted with myself and just die rather than live this way. But yeah i know its irrational and I’m thankful for sex education on the internet to save me from stupid shame spirals!

[magical-agatha]

vent. dont reblog.

its not supposed to be a big deal if ur friends forget ur birthday and i know i shouldnt take it to heart but it does suck and for me in particular who has a rly hard time feeling like i matter and is like. rly desperate to matter to my friends. its hard not to be hurt. but i also feel like im being dumb. and i dont know how fair or reasonable im being. i dont know how to tell if being hurt that my friends didnt remember my birthday is a rational response or not. i dont know how to tell if anything i feel at all is rational and reasonable. i feel like im not allowed to have feelings or i shouldnt let myself have them or let them get out bc theyll just be wrong and unfair and irrational. and ppl will get sick of me. if they arent already. i hate having bpd. i hate that i have to worry about if im being irrational or not. bc theres no way for me to tell. all i can do is feel what im feeling. but im not allowed to do that bc my feelings are wrong. im tired and scared and im constantly a mess. i cry so much. almost daily. and im sick all the time. but i cant be content with being alone i have to want friends and wanting friends means wanting to be liked and wanting to matter and inevitably feeling like i dont matter. bc of little things. and bc it feels like im the only one trying. and maybe thats fine maybe we’re not a good fit or something. but i want to be friends with ppl. i want to keep trying. bc i want them to try too. bc i want to matter to them. maybe i do and maybe they are trying and im just missing all the signs. i dont know what to do or think. im so confused. it hurts and i want to run away. but running away doesnt work. running away means ‘im hurting pls come after me so i know i matter to you’ but it doesnt work like that. ppl dont chase you bc if u leave they think that means ur upset with them or want to be alone. so they give u space. and now you feel even more worthless bc of a misunderstanding and a lack of communication. my brain keeps urging me to run away and self isolate and i know that isnt a solution so im trying not to do it. but i dont know what the solution is. so its getting harder to resist the urge. and sometimes running away is cathartic. crying is cathartic. but catharsis doesnt work much anymore. bc the problems dont go away. so for me where i am catharsis is basically just a very brief respite. before all the feelings come back and it hurts again. bc nothing is solved. the problems are still there. and i dont know what to do. so i do nothing. i just cry and hurt and run away and then i come back when i feel a bit better. and then i feel worse. and it all repeats. i feel so stupid. its august. we wanted to move out before my birthday but we havent been able to. ive been at my limit for months. im basically just stretching my limit as far as i can trying to make it work and survive bc we will get out eventually and i just need to survive until then. no matter how. i just have to survive. somehow. and every time i feel like i cant go any further like i cant stretch my limit further and i cant cope anymore. every time i feel like im slipping and this is the end and im about to give up. i dont. i stretch it further and i cope. bc i dont have a choice. but im sure this is all doing so much damage to me. its not normal to cry so much ur constantly congested. i had a meltdown yesterday and punched a hole in my bedroom wall bc the limit broke and i couldnt stop myself. either i hit myself or i hit the wall. i scratched up my hand on the plaster as it went thru but i didnt break anything like i did the last time. i havent done that in years and i hate doing it. it makes me feel so ashamed. but at least now i know that its just a symptom of being pushed way past my limit and not being able to cope. my grandmother had been harassing me all day and id been stressing about someone and crying and very very depressed and then i dropped the vanilla slice i had got as a treat to make myself feel a bit better and suddenly it was all too much and i had a meltdown. im glad i didnt hurt myself. hitting myself would have been worse. i feel like i have to justify punching the wall like it did by saying if i hadnt i would have hurt myself. its not okay to punch a wall. i didnt want to do it. i feel like theres nothing i can say which will make it acceptable. even with all the context of why it happened. im still ashamed and i still wish i hadnt done it. but i didnt get a choice. saying that sounds like an excuse. i feel pathetic. i need to get out of here so i can be safe and get better and get on with my life. what do i do. what did i do to deserve this.