#tina maloney | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aion-rsa · 4 years

Text

30 Rock’s Best Running Jokes

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

When 30 Rock drew its final breath in 2013, yards of column inches were devoted – deservedly so – to praising the work of creator Tina Fey. Article upon article applauded the characters, cast, performances and seven seasons of energetic, inventive, satirical comedy.

More than anything else though, 30 Rock was always about the gags. It was fruitcake-dense with jokes, regularly fitting in more quotable laughs before its opening credits than many shows manage in a full half-hour. As it returns for a one-off reunion special, join us in celebrating the many, many running gags of its seven-season history, from the fake movies, to the terrible yet incredibly catchy songs, Frank’s hats, and those godawful TGS sketches…

The fake movies

The presence of Tracy Jordan (a bonafide Martin Lawrence meets the Wayans Brothers-style movie star) in the TGS cast opened up the world of film parody to 30 Rock.

Admittedly Jenna Maloney also enjoyed a movie career of sorts, but while she was being offered the part of “any blonde actress” in torture porn flicks by the producers who watched and rented Saw, Tracy was turning down the lead in Garfield 3: Feline Groovy to pursue his serious acting career. The latter climaxed with the release of spot-on Precious parody Hard To Watch (Based on the novel Stone Cold Bummer by Manipulate), for which Tracy received the O in his EGOT plan. Sheer class.

Over the years though, who couldn’t not smile at Tracy’s blaxpoitation-filled back catalogue, from the timeless romance of A Blaffair to Rememblack, to Sherlock Homie, Who Dat Ninja?, The Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas, and last but by no means least, Honky Grandma Be Trippin’. The man is a chameleon (in that he’s always a lizard).

Two of Jenna’s TGS projects however, bring back the fondest memories of 30 Rock’s stinging movie satire: small-town legal drama The Rural Juror (based on a Kevin Grisham novel), and her GE-produced life rights-avoiding Janis Joplin biopic, Sing Them Blues White Girl: The Jackie Jormp Jomp Story.

The TGS sketches

The quality of TGS’ output was never under question in 30 Rock; the sketch show was unremittingly bad (when the absence of their star meant a ‘Best of TGS’ series had to be run in lieu of live shows, Legal objected to their use of the word ‘Best’, and when a review dubbed it the worst comedy ever made, Liz was thrilled they’d defined it as a comedy). Liz Lemon’s opus was a fluorescent collection of fart gags, dodgy caricatures, Jenna’s songs, and misjudged celebrity impressions.

Beginning life as, in Kenneth’s words, “a real fun ladies comedy show for ladies”, TGS was Saturday Night Live’s idiot brother, the unsophisticated thorn in NBC’s side, under constant threat of controversy and cancellation. Forced to synergise backward overflow, advertise parent company products and promote GE interests, 30 Rock’s show-within-a-show satirised both the TV industry and tired trends in comedy (the always hilarious combination of a fat woman who’s sexually confident! Old ladies are crazy! Farts!).

Lemon may have seduced pilot Carol (Matt Damon) with her Fart Doctor skits, but TGS failed to win many hearts. With sketches like Pam the Overly Confident Morbidly Obese Woman, Ching-Chong Man Who Loves to Play Ping-Pong, Fat Hillary Clinton, Bear vs. Killer Robots, Me Want Food, and Gaybraham Lincoln, why it wasn’t more successful is a mystery.

Astronaut Mike Dexter

Lemon may have ended up with James Marsden’s Criss Chros, but fictional boyfriend Astronaut Mike Dexter will always hold a special place in her heart. Handsomer than Dr Drew, less British than Wesley Snipes, less living-in-Cleveland than Floyd, and a million times better than Dennis Duffy, Astronaut Mike Dexter had it all… except of course, a corporeal self.

The fake songs

Over the years, Jenna Maroney’s singing career has vomited up some truly dreadful creations, and topping the list has to be Muffin Top (a big hit in the king-making music markets of Israel and Belgium). Seguing from its pop insanity chorus “My muffin top is all that, wholegrain, low-fat” into a Madonna-style spoken-word rap “I’m an independent lady, so please don’t try to play me. I run a tidy bakery. The boys all want my cake for free”, the song is a battery assault on the senses.

But is it worse than Jenna’s summer dance jam, Balls, which earned her the princely sum of $50 in royalties? Or her computer generated, generic benefit song in aid of an unspecific natural disaster, which urged viewers to donate to “help the people the thing that happened, happened to”? How about the Jackie Jormp Jomp performance she gave of Chunk Of My Lung, written by Jack five minutes before the show, containing the classic line “You know you’ve bought it if life makes you sweet food”? Or Fart So Loud, the un-Weird Al-able song she and Tracy wrote after he parodied the theme to Avery Jessup TV movie Kidnapped? Such riches…

It’s not only Jenna who’s provided 30 Rock’s musical intervals of course. Season three finale Kidney Now! welcomed an eclectic collection of stars including Sheryl Crow, Mary J Blige, Elvis Costello, Moby, two of the Beastie Boys, Wyclef Jean, and Cyndi Lauper to perform a We Are The World-style anthem at the Milton Green benefit gig. Angie Jordan famously released a fifteen-second single My Single Is Dropping, to ride on the wave of her reality-show fame, Frank and Pete’s Sound Mound came up with unforgettable rock anthem Weekend Woman, and in the very same episode, even Tina Fey got in on the action by providing excellent Joni Mitchell parody, Paints and Brushes.

The legacy award though, as in the 30 Rock fake song that will continue to bring joy to the hearts of fans decades from now, has to go to one song, and one song only: Tracy Jordan’s Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.

Frank’s hat slogans

Off-set, stand-up Judah Friedlander favours his ‘World Champion’ trucker hat, the one he claims to have been awarded as the winner of the World Championships of pretty much all sports, martial arts, and that time he karate kicked Chuck Norris’ beard off his face and forced him to legally change his name to Charles.

On-set as Frank Rossitano though, Friedlander wears a series of self-designed trucker hats, each bearing a different gnomic slogan. Often incongruous, sometimes suggestive, and always odd, Frank’s hat slogans are part of the bricks and mortar of 30 Rock. In terms of favourites, we’re quite fond of ‘Alabama Legsweep’, or the laconic enigma of ‘And’, though ‘Shark Cop’, ‘Half Centaur’ and ‘Space Gravy’ also caught our eye over the seasons.

Jenna’s Mickey Rourke sex stories

Like Dot Com’s intellectualism, this running gag may have been introduced late into proceedings, but Jenna’s torrid sexual history with putty-faced beefcake Mickey Rourke gave J-Mo some of her best lines. Jenna’s allusions to Rourke’s sexually deviant and murderous attempts on her life paint a fascinating picture for 30 Rock fans. Here are some of the finest:

“Your new vibe is a double-edged sword, much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with”, “Nice try Hazel, but you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran. You didn’t kill me when you had the chance.”, “I’m going to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.” “Next time you’ll tell me Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign.” “You know what they say, if you can’t stand the heat, get off Mickey Rourke’s sex grill.” Wise words.

Kenneth the immortal page

To this day Kenneth Ellen Parcell remains something of an enigma to 30 Rock viewers. In later seasons, Jack McBrayer’s character went from being a simple country rube from Stone Mountain, Georgia to the flesh vessel for a mysterious immortal with no reflection, no age, and links to a world beyond our own.

Plenty of reference has been made to Kenneth’s ageless and supernatural state over the years, including the suggestion that not only is he unable to die, but he’s also an angel, sent to oversee the transition of souls from one world to the next.

The fake TV shows

It’s either a credit to the 30 Rock team or a condemnation of our times that Jack Donaghy’s hit reality viewer vote show, MILF Island, no longer feels like a parody. In generations to come, time will no doubt erode the boundaries between fact and fiction, and we 30 Rock fans will be telling our kids about the time we watched Deborah beat her competitors and claim MILF victory in the same breath as educating them about those people who ate kangaroo anuses for public approval.

MILF Island stands head and shoulders above the rest of 30 Rock’s fake TV shows (including TGS itself, lest we not forget), but that doesn’t mean that Gold Case, Los Amantes Clandestinos, Black Frasier, Homonym, or the inimitable Bitch Hunter deserve any less respect. Our fallen brothers, we salute you.

We could go on indefinitely listing the recurring jokes that made 30 Rock great, from Liz’s sandwich lust and desire to go to there, to Jack’s gloriously thatched head of hair and Republican conspiracies. As the show prepares to return, which of the above will live again?

30 Rock: A One-Time Special lands on NBC on Thursday July 16th at 8pm in the US.

The post 30 Rock’s Best Running Jokes appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2WjIevB

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

5 notes · View notes

tabloidtoc · 5 years

Text

OK, September 2

Cover: Inside Macaulay Culkin’s Private World

Page 1: Contents

Page 2: Contents

Page 4: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s secret getaway -- craving a break from palace life Prince Harry whisked his overwhelmed wife away on a six-day trip to Ibiza

Page 6: The Bachelorette Hannah Brown -- I’m struggling

Page 7: The Kar-Jens -- eyebrow-raising looks -- Kourtney Kardashian, Kylie Jenner

Page 8: Ian Somerhalder’s youthful looks are a result of good karma, Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson are back together after a brief split and they have Chris’ ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow to thank, Beyonce’s mom Tina Knowles revealed that granddaughter Blue Ivy has developed a passion for using cosmetics

Page 10: Red Hot on the Red Carpet -- sunny hues -- Camilla Belle, Eva Longoria, Amanda Seyfried

Page 11: Camila Mendes

Page 12: Who Wore It Better? Emily Ratajkowski vs. Bella Hadid, Elizabeth Banks vs. Camila Alves, Giulia De Lellis vs. Kendall Jenner

Page 14: News in Photos -- Jamie Foxx and daughter Corinne Foxx at the premiere of her first feature film, Sistine Stallone and her dad Sylvester Stallone

Page 16: Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins and rumored love Victoria Pratt, NBA star Ben Simmons and Tony the Tiger, Nicky Hilton Rothschild

Page 18: Cate Blanchett

Page 22: Tarek El Moussa, Barbara Palvin

Page 24: Inside My Home -- Bella Thorne’s new home in Topanga

Page 26: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth’s split turns nasty

Page 27: Kelly Preston and John Travolta at odds over daughter Ella getting a pilot’s license, Antonio Banderas questioning his relationship with Nicole Kimpel and wondering if Melanie Griffith is the one who got away

Page 28: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’ delivery countdown, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s coparenting clash, Justin Bieber still dragging his feet on a religious ceremony wedding to Hailey Bieber

Page 29: Amanda Seyfried and Thomas Sadoski’s simple life, Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo’s rough patch, Love Bites -- Ashley Graham and husband Justin Ervin pregnant, Jared Haibon and Ashley Iaconetti married, Alanis Morissette and husband Mario “Souleye” Treadway welcomed baby no. 3

Page 30: Cover Story -- Macaulay Culkin -- inside his private world

Page 34: Drew Barrymore raising strong girls

Page 36: After months of sneaking around Jennifer Aniston has told friends that she and Brad Pitt are giving it another shot

Page 38: Bottoms Up! The surprising celebrities behind some of your favorite alcohol brands -- George Clooney and Rande Gerber, Marilyn Manson, Ryan Reynolds, Dan Aykroyd

Page 39: Justin Timberlake, Katie Maloney and Kristen Doute and Stassi Schroeder, Bethenny Frankel

Page 40: Interview -- Andie MacDowell on aging, parenting and her new film Ready or Not

Page 42: Summer Body Saviors -- Padma Lakshmi, Heidi Klum, Cindy Crawford, Sofia Richie

Page 43: Jada Pinkett Smith, Gigi Hadid, Elle Fanning

Page 46: Style Week -- Hannah Goodwin

Page 48: Fluorescent Footwear -- Natalia Dyer

Page 49: 5 minutes with Camila Coelho

Page 50: Back to School -- Yara Shahidi

Page 52: Ava Phillippe

Page 54: Entertainment

Page 55: Q&A -- Duane “Dog” Chapman

Page 56: What really happened to Marilyn Monroe

Page 60: Simon Cowell went on a strict diet and lost 20 pounds

Page 62: Sound Bites -- Cara Delevingne, Milo Ventimiglia, Jennie Garth on Jason Priestley, Post Malone, Gwyneth Paltrow can’t remember who she’s worked with -- Samuel L. Jackson, Sebastian Stan, Tom Holland

Page 63: Horoscope -- Virgo Keke Palmer

Page 64: By the Numbers -- Kirsten Dunst

#tabloid #macaulay culkin

2 notes · View notes

strangerthingstrashass · 6 years

Text

Sweetly Part 5

Evelyn’s day continued on its path to being awful. Her talk with Nancy and Jonathan had put her there. Not to mention Billy’s constant flirting with Tina who sat right next to her. Evelyn didn’t want to admit that it hurt even slightly, but it did. She should have gotten attached to him even the smallest bit.

Throughout the period Billy glanced back and forth from Evelyn to Tina. He wanted to see if Evelyn would get jealous, he was frustrated to see that she did not. No matter what advances he made at Tina, she kept her nose in her book taking notes every once in a while for her essay. Billy was not happy to see some kid Paul turn around and start conversing with Evelyn.

“Hey Evelyn, what are you doing your paper on?” Paul asked turning around in his seat to face the girl.

“Oh uh, the Civil War. You?” Evelyn responded sending a small smile his way.

“World War 2.” He stated with a shrug of his shoulders.

“That’s my favorite war.” She told him, her interest being peaked.

“Really? You have a favorite war?” Paul laughed causing a small frown to appear on Evelyn’s face.

“Of course, history is my favorite subject.” She said, suddenly becoming very interested in the cast that was on her hand.

“Of course it is Byers.” He laughed turning away from her and laughing with his friends. Evelyn sighed leaning back in her chair, the class period she normally loved had become her least favorite in seconds. Billy was of course listening to the conversation the entire time and made a mental note to have a chat with Paul Maloney later on.

He also noticed how unlike Evelyn it was to let the comment he made go, something must be wrong.

“Evelyn, you okay?” Billy asked causing the girl to turn around and glance at him, only to roll her eyes and turn back away. Billy knew now that he had pissed her off, he was glad to know she liked him even in the smallest of ways but now he had to make it up to her. When the bell rang, Evelyn was the first to jump out of her seat and rush out of class. Quickly making her way towards the library to do homework while she waited on Will. She could see the parking lot from where she sat, students getting in their cars and driving off.

She saw Billy there standing next to Tina while he waited for his sister. Irritation clear on his face, Evelyn wondered why he had even spoke to her in the first place. Why he asked her out at all, why bother with all of that if it’s for nothing.

She waited until Billy left to come out of the school and wait at her car for Will. Soon enough she heard a commotion in the middle school yard, she looked over to see her brother screaming at something that she couldn’t see. She ran over at the same time Mike did.

“Mike! What’s going on?” She yelled shaking her brother trying to get him to snap out of whatever was happening.

“I- I don’t know I just found him like this, I think he’s having another episode!” Mike panicked beginning to shake Will also.

“What do we do Eve?” Mike asked in a hurried tone.

“I have no idea Mike..” Evelyn stated worriedly, shouting came from the front doors of the middle school and Evelyn saw her mother rushing towards them.

“Honey what’s happening?!” Joyce said as she rushed towards her daughter and son.

“I think he’s having an episode mom! What do we do?!” Evelyn cried out tears forming in her eyes at seeing her brother like that. Joyce began shaking her son and screaming for him to wake up. He jolted awake, making Evelyn jump back before she pulled him and her mother into a hug.

“You guys go ahead and go home. I’ll be there soon, you kids need a ride?” Evelyn asked not wanting to let the kids walk home.

Evelyn dropped the boys off before taking Max’s directions to her house.

“Is your brother going to be okay?” Max asked glancing over at the anxious teenager.

“I hope so.. hey what happened to your wrist there?” Evelyn asked pointing out the faint bruise that laid on Max’s wrist, which she had gotten when she talked back to Billy the other day.

“Oh it’s nothing-“ Max said hurriedly trying to cover it up with her sleeve.

“No it’s not! Tell me the truth Max!” Evelyn pleaded and watched as the young girl sighed before speaking.

“I disobeyed Billy the other day and he grabbed my wrist. No biggie.” Max said trying to make it seem like it was less than it was but the teen girl was already fired up. When they pulled up the the girls house both Max and Evelyn got out. Evelyn walked up with her knocking on the door which was answered by Max’s mother.

“Max! I was worried about you, Billy said you didn’t show up to go home!” Max’s mother scolded.

“Hi Mrs.Hargrove I’m Evelyn, I was actually helping Max with some of her math homework and we totally forgot to tell Billy. Is he here?” Evelyn said, Max’s mother calmed down and nodded before telling her to call her Susan.

“Yes he’s in his room, will you go get him Max?” Susan asked her daughter, who nodded with hesitation. Susan offered for Evelyn to come inside, to which she refused insisting that it would only take a minute.

Soon an irritated Billy exited his room and opened the front door.

“Tina I’m serious-“ he cut himself off seeing that instead of it being Tina it was Evelyn.

“Evelyn, Hey what are you doing here?” He asked closing the door behind him with a smile. His smile soon faded as he saw the pissed off look she gave him.

“I drove Max home. I saw the bruise you left on her wrist.” She stated accusingly, Billy was caught off guard and ashamed, he didn’t have time to reply before her finger was stabbing him in the chest.

“If you ever lay a finger on her again and I find out about it you’re dead Hargrove!” She spat stomping off of their front porch and towards her car.

“Evelyn please, can we talk?” Billy pleaded following her down the steps.

“No! My brother needs me right now, and I don’t want to talk to you. We can talk when you are less of an asshole!” And with that she slammed her car door and sped out of the neighborhood. Max sat in the living room fearing the backlash she would get from Billy since Evelyn had found out. When Billy finally came in he looked towards Max, instead of it being and angry glance it held sorrow.

Billy had finally seen that he was just as bad as his father, if not worse. He hoped that it wasn’t too late to make it up to Max and the girl he held so much admiration for. Max was surprised when the next morning, instead of being shouted at to hurry up she was being patiently waited on.

Of course Billy was still mean like most big brothers were, he wasn’t as bad as he used to be and Max was grateful for that. She made sure to thank Will’s older sister that morning when Billy had pulled into the high school parking lot.

Evelyn’s truck was already parked, she stood beside it speaking to Steve Harrington. Billy watched as Evelyn laughed at something Steve had said before Max interrupted them. Jealousy burned within Billy as he stalked into the high school ignoring the glare Tina had sent his way. While on his way to his first period Billy caught sight of Paul Maloney and decided now was a good time to have a chat.

Paul laughed at something one of his friends said just before getting shoved up against the lockers.

“Woah! What the hell Hargrove?!” Paul shouted earning the attention of the entire hallway. The only thing that could be heard was the whispering of students as the watched the scene in front of them unfold.

“I heard you talking to Evelyn yesterday, don’t disrespect her again.. or else. do you understand.” Billy growled out, Paul nodded finally and Billy released him and kept walking towards his class.

“Thank you.” Max said to Evelyn sending her a smile.

“For what?” Evelyn questioned as she gathered her things from her car.

“Well for the ride yesterday and for putting Billy in his place. He’s been being better already” Max told her and Evelyn nodded.

“No problem, oh and tell the boys that Will is sick.” Evelyn said before rushing off.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove imagines #billy is a softie #billy hargrove fluff #billy hargrove x oc #mike wheeler #max mayfield #lucas sinclair #dustin henderson #will byers #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler #stranger things #stranger things imagines #the upside down

20 notes · View notes

atomic-chronoscaph · 7 years

Photo

Patty Maloney as Tina and Felix Silla as Twiki - Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (1979)

#buck rogers in the 25th century #twiki #felix silla #buck rogers #patty maloney #tina #cruise ship to the stars #70s sci-fi #70s tv series #sci-fi #seventies #1979

116 notes · View notes

abcnewspr · 2 years

Text

HIGHLIGHTS FOR ABC NEWS’ ‘GMA3: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW,’ JULY 25-29

The following report highlights the programming of ABC’s “GMA3: What You Need to Know” during the week of July 25-29. “GMA3: What You Need to Know” is a one-hour program co-anchored by Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes, with Dr. Jennifer Ashton as chief medical correspondent. The news program airs weekdays at 1:00 p.m. EDT | 12:00 p.m. CDT on ABC, and 4:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. EDT on ABC News Live.

Highlights of the week include the following:

Monday, July 25 — Mayor Byron Brown of Buffalo, New York; “GMA3”’s Eat Like a Local series kicks off in Atlanta with chef David Rose, TV personality Kandi Burrus and rapper Jermaine Dupri; actor Corbin Bleu (“High School Musical”); Disney cruise surprise

Tuesday, July 26 — Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY); “GMA3”’s Eat Like a Local series continues in Houston with chef Dawn Burrell, rapper Bun B and KTRK's Chauncy Glover; actress Sofia Carson (“Purple Hearts”); La Fête du Rosé founder Donae Burston

Wednesday, July 27 —Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA); “GMA3”’s Eat Like a Local series continues from Miami with chef Lorena Garcia, NBA player Udonis Haslem and singer Gloria Estefan; actress Sarah Drew (“Amber Brown”); Deals and Steals with ABC e-commerce editor Tory Johnson

Thursday, July 28 — Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives Director Steven Dettelbach; Podcast of the Month series with Malcom Gladwell (“Revisionist History”); “GMA3”’s Eat Like a Local series continues in Philadelphia with chef Mike Solomonov and former NFL player Torrey Smith; actress Tisha Campbell (“Uncoupled”)

Friday, July 29 — Former Mayor Adam Graham of The Village, Oklahoma; San Jose Sharks manager Mike Grier on being the first Black general manager in NHL history; Faith Friday with Pastor Joel Osteen; “GMA3”’s Eat Like a Local series finale from New York with former NFL player Tiki Barber and chef Gina Neely; Broadway star Nkeki Obi-Melekwe (“Tina”)

ABC Media Relations Denise Horn [email protected]

-- ABC --

1 note · View note

perfettamentechic · 2 years

Text

15 agosto … ricordiamo …

15 agosto … ricordiamo … #semprevivineiricordi #nomidaricordare #personaggiimportanti #perfettamentechic

2021: Gianfranco D’Angelo, è stato un attore, comico, cabarettista, doppiatore e cantante italiano. Sposato con Anna Maria. (n. 1936) 2013: August Schellenberg, August Werner Schellenberg, è stato un attore canadese di etnia Mohawk. Ebbe ruoli importanti nei film. Sposato con l’attrice Joan Karasevich. (n. 1936) 2010: Laura D’Angelo, attrice e coreografa italiana. (n. 1956) 2005: Laura Carli,…

View On WordPress

#15 agosto #15 agosto morti #August Schellenberg #August Werner Schellenberg #Concetta Luisa Annunziata Pica #Duane Maloney #Duane Thompson #Gianfranco D&039;Angelo #Laura Carli #Laura D&039;Angelo #Laura Russo #Marc Michel Marrier de Lagatinerie #Marc Porel #Ricordiamo #Tina Pica #Will Rogers #William Penn Adair Rogers

0 notes

beautifuldisastr · 6 years

Note

who is tina maloney and why does tim call téa that?

It’s his nickname for her. Matches his…Bendy Maloney

11 notes · View notes

caseymalone · 7 years

Text

Top 10 Games 2017

Here are my top 10 games for 2017! Minor spoilers for a few of them, but nothing major. You’ve been warned!

10. Resident Evil 7: BioHazard

There have been 27 Resident Evil games, including remakes, remasters, 3DS releases but excluding pachinko machines and Tiger Electronics handhelds. Of those near thirty games, Resident Evil 7 brings the total I’ve enjoyed to… two. I guess this is my way of saying that between being a huge scaredy cat and irked by the stuffy, smothering control scheme of the originals, there’s no nostalgia weighing me down whenever Capcom reinvents Resident Evil, first with Resident Evil 4, now again with 7.

But where Resident Evil 4 took the fantasy of being a special agent in a world full of monsters further than ever before, Resident Evil 7 drops it completely. In it, I’m a wimp, a nerd with a camera at the whims of this family of maniacs, trapped on their grounds by a drive to find my wife, who is changing into… something. Capcom smothers me with a pervasive sense of helplessness playing RE7, forcing me into a desperate scramble to escape the unstoppable Daddy (side note: “The Unstoppable Daddy” was my nickname in college). Filling me with absolute dread when the disgusting creature Marguerite becomes clambers through holes and onto walls. And forcing me to freeze up and take a deep breath at the sinking realization that my next goal is all the way across the grounds.with god knows what between me and it. Even the change to a first-person view means your helpless doesn’t stop at your ability to fight - you don’t even know what’s around you. Resident Evil 7 left me terrified and anxious throughout, which is saying something since played it on Easy.

9. Gorogoa

It’s now an annual event that, despite a perception that Adventure Games are dead, someone releases a labor of love whose beauty and finesse showcase the best the genre has to offer. Gorogoa asks you to interact in the simplest terms - zoom in and out, or drag and drop. What makes Gorogoa special is that when I do those things, it feels like I’ve changed fundamental ways that I think. My perspective on the world has shifted about ten degrees to the left and all the rules are new. That combined with hand-drawn visuals, stark sound design and desolate narrative made Gorogoa a brief yet crucial experience for anyone looking to see games as more than loot-box dispensers.

8. Star Wars: Force Arena

Oops, speaking of Loot Boxes. Well, card packs? Is there a difference? Where have we come down on this? The conversation around gaming in 2017 has been dominated by a debate about the ethics of selling random pulls at cards, skins, characters, horses, buggies, whatever, and I’m going to level with all of you - my perspective is skewed. I make mobile free-to-play games, which use this mechanic, and I’ve been playing collectible card games since the Revised core set for Magic: The Gathering came out in 1994. So one way to look at my opinion is that I don’t have a problem with this way of selling people games, and a much less charitable one is that I’m fully indoctrinated. Either way, being able to get emotionally side-step this entire debate has lent me the clarity of mind to tell you all that Star Wars: Force Arena is good as hell.

Force Arena is the real-time, head-to-head gameplay of Clash Royale, but with direct control of a Hero, MOBA-style, then Star Wars’ed all the way up. Every system is implemented in a smartly and cleanly, facilitating my ability to get into the game and getting out of my so I can let people know my Han Solo deck is not to be flexed with. The whole thing is catnip for Ol’ Maloney over here, and I am straight rolling.

7. Star Wars: Imperial Assault - Legends of the Alliance

Is spaghetti a sandwich? Is Chewbacca a dog? Is Matt Kessler a mongoose? Is Legends of the Alliance, an app for Star Wars: Imperial Assault, a video game with physical components or a board game with a digital accessory? The line between board games and video games is get blurrier, as outstanding digital components have begun to take the place of cumbersome bookkeeping, or allow designers to add elements that would be impossible to achieve otherwise. Or, in the case of Legends of the Alliance, replacing the Imperial Player entirely.

Traditionally played as a team of rebels against a monolithic Imperial player, Legends of the Alliance turns Imperial Assault into a fully cooperative experience, running the campaign as a virtual dungeon master, setting up your next level and directing Imperial enemies to attack your heroes. But more than simply emulating a now missing player, Legends of the Alliance takes this chance to add something to the experience.

Without the app you bounce from one XCOM-esque tactical mission to the next, but now… now you go on non-combat missions. You make friends in the world. You feel a real sense of betrayal when you learn not all the Rebels are working for the greater good, and you deal with the emotional aftermath with other characters when the Empire manages to grind you under their heel. These things weren’t in the box of plastic and cards I bought years back - they were exclusively part of Legends of the Alliance, and creating new memories and experience while justifying asking you to bring your laptop to your tabletop.

6. Horizon Zero Dawn

There’s a vital sincerity to Horizon Zero Dawn. After borrowing mechanics liberally from Far Cry/Assassin’s Creed, adding giant robot dinosaurs, and then putting the voice actress behind Borderlands 2’s (in my opinion, brutally irritating) Tiny Tina front and center, it would have been so easy for Guerrilla Games to smarmy one-liner their way through this post-post-apocalypse adventure. Instead they cast that all aside to carefully bring you into a world without even a hint of irony.

At the center of the game is Ashly Burch’s Aloy, full of wounded confidence and strength tinged with kindness, a performance so natural yet thoughtful that Aloy stands above any other character in games this year. That sincerity doesn’t make Horizon a serious or grim affair - there’s jokes, and boy howdy is there a lot of flirting - but it serves to draw the player into the world, rather than establish a safe ironic distance from which both the player and the game can remain “cool.” Every choice shows that Guerrilla Games truly wants me to care about Aloy and the world of Horizon. It turns out I do.

5. HQ

For me, 2017 was a year of shared gaming experiences. I’ll get to the other two big ones below, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this nightmare of a Black Mirror episode, this scheduled dose of Quiz Daddy Scott Rogowski, this twice daily car crash with a cash payout, HQ.

For months at 3 PM, I’d jump into Discord with my friends and join in the collective hypnosis of a new game of HQ. We were beyond captivated. We had a million questions - who is Scott? Why does he vamp with the intensity of someone hosting at gunpoint? Where is he broadcasting this from? And when he’s not there, where the hell is Scott? Who is this rando who claims to be ‘Scott’s Boy’? How does the player count keep growing, and how does this thing make money? It was a mystery wrapped in tech startup poppiness and a screaming man in a suit, and we wanted to know everything about it.

Like any mystery, as we’ve learned more about Scott and HQ, our interest has waned and my friends have fallen off the Trivia Train. But for months, once a day we’d simultaneously drop everything and delve into it. Something nothing else in games or television has gotten us to do for years. Also, uh...

…

I’m playing a game called HQ Trivia. You should play too. Use my code “caseymalone” to sign up.

4. Super Mario Odyssey

In late October 2017, was there anything I needed more than some unabashed joy? A full-on celebration of bright colors, silly characters and bizarre hats? Super Mario Odyssey would be an incredible game at any time in history, but the timing of its release felt like more than just a game; it felt like a balm. A warm weighted blanket sewn from my old t-shirts, taking nostalgia and making it into something new, something calling me to come back and crawl under it all day, every day. A game that rewarded me for just being in the world, asking me to challenge myself at your own pace, issuing pats on the head and individually wrapped chocolates as a reward for just wandering around and doing my thing. 2017 was a year where Nintendo was dedicated to challenging what people expect from them with their hardware, their mobile ports, and another of their major franchises. When it came to Mario, though, Nintendo clearly just wanted to make people happy. And I’m so, so grateful for that.

3. Destiny 2 & 2. PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds

Destiny and Battlegrounds seem like pretty starkly different experiences, but what I got out of them in 2017 was the same - time with some of my best friends. Friends who live in Los Angeles, New York, New Jersey, England, San Francisco; people I never get to see, people I don’t even get to talk to that often. But those friendships got actually stronger this year through these games.

That wouldn’t be possible if the underlying games weren’t outstanding - Destiny 2’s shooting feels incredible, and its endless list of chores made sure there was always a mission for me to suck friends into, or a goal for me to help them out with. There aren’t (currently) many Strikes for us to go on, but honestly that helped - when you know all the beats, a zen-like state takes over and you can enjoy the lock-on and kickback of hand cannons without worry. All the while catching up, making goofs, or ranting about the state of the world without the game getting in the way.

Destiny 2’s not perfect - a lot of the changes made from Destiny to Destiny 2 to make it smoother and more welcoming turned solo play into a dull shade of its predecessor. But as a part of a Strike Team, Destiny 2 hums with efficiency, getting out of my way and letting me and my friends have fun.

And it would be second to none this year if wasn’t for PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds.

Battlegrounds is insane, it’s a fun-time mess-around machine paired with an intensely hardcore military shooter, a game that’s thirty minutes of a goofy chatroom capped off with two minutes of a game-ending firefight. Except for when that fire-fight lasts for twenty minutes and it’s the most intense experience of my life. I’ve had as much fun losing PUBG as I’ve had winning (the few times I’ve managed to snag a chicken dinner), and I’ve had even more fun when I die and get to stay in voice-chat to cheer on the rest of my squad, spectating through to the end.

While I don’t get much out of watching strangers stream on Twitch, I’ve been lucky that enough of my friends stream this game, for a while on an almost daily basis, that I had just as much fun watching them as actually playing it. I laughed so hard when friends would get motorcycles trapped in a tree, cheered when they’d have from-behind victories, and feel heartbreak when the squad’s last hope would get shotgunned from behind after escaping tough spot after tough spot. Somehow all these feelings were just as strong as when I was behind the controls myself. There’s magic in this game, which boggles the mind, because with its bugs and frankly generic style, it could not possibly look less magical.

I cannot fucking believe I’m typing this but it turns out the real game of the year was the friends I made along the way.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Just kidding, game of the year is The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

I always have less to say when I get to the top item on my list because what could I possibly say about Breath of the Wild that hasn’t been covered already? Nintendo stripped so much out of the Zelda series that honestly when I started playing it, I felt uncomfortable and exposed - what do you mean my weapons break? Wait, I don’t have to buy bombs, I just HAVE them? When are the DUNGEONS going to show up, what are these shines? I don’t like this at all. But as I bristled against those, I was slowly filling with wonder. Every canyon I walked out of, every corner I turned, every hole I climbed out of revealed a field with towns and caverns, or small forests full of unknown treasures and monsters.

Lots of games do open worlds, but where Skyrim feels like I could get lost in it, the Hyrule of Breath of the Wild feels like I am conquering it. In Skyrim I feel like I’m exploring the map - in Breath of the Wild, I’m making it.

I remember so clearly, late at night, climbing to the top of a bridge that crosses Lake Hylia. I don’t know why I was there, or what I thought might be at the top of the tower, but Nintendo put it there, so maybe. Maybe there was something. I climbed to the top and there wasn’t anything for me to take, but as I looked over towards the horizon, Hyrule stretched on forever. I felt overwhelmed with the possibility of disappointment - that I would feel the need to climb it all, that there wouldn’t be a thing for me at the top of most of those towers, under those rocks. And as I thought about that the music changed. From the water of the lake emerged Farosh, the lightning dragon, soaring, completely oblivious to me. He was beautiful, powerful, made me forget about any of my goals or collectibles and forced me to take in his majesty. Forced me to realize there were no rupees or arrows up there because this moment was my reward. And that there would be moments like this all throughout Hyrule. I just needed to go looking for them.

Near Misses: Injustice 2, Everybody’s Golf, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe

34 notes · View notes