#tinydiary

[tinybruised]

my body feels disgusting and i haven't been doing a good job focusing on wl, ive been so busy the last few days and ive just been focusing on trying not to over eat but it's not enough, i need to starve

[hexxxlife]

st. Crimson

hand distilled honey wine is no joke. I got so drunk I agreed to taste pasteurized sea water, and then I couldn't stop drinking it. It tastes like the ocean when you get caught under a wave. this devolved into me begging Torrey to play alternately some Polish post punk and / or Rihanna. Erin fell into a sandwich board. We left the station right before our train came. I had some epiphanic moments with one of my oldest friends and a virtual reality mind meld with my band mates. Off to Hudson valley to stay in a clapboard mansion and finish 3 bottles of witch wine. I am more afraid to look at my credit card statement than ever, but I love it.

[tinybruised]

june is going to be my month of figuring it out, how to be consistent again, what works best, im not giving up, then july, august and september are going to be months of drastic change🌸

[tinybruised]

🌸things i miss about my old body🌸

visible collarbones/ribs in chest

biceps smaller than elbow joints

visible spine and ribs

THIGH GAP

FLAT CHEST

veins in my hands

much smaller stomach

my clothes used to be loose

sharper jawline

slimmer fingers

i swear i had clearer skin??

no upper arm fat

no back rolls

HIPBONES

[tinybruised]

🌸june 10th 2025🌸

restarting my wl today, after many false starts combined w bouts of deeply not caring earlier this year.

this blog will become my sanctuary. food will become simple fuel, controlled carefully, occasionally enjoyed w awareness, always manipulated to my advantage.

i was looking at old pictures, pictures from a year ago mostly, and a few older. im so envious of the body i had. im so devastated that i lost it. i will look at those pictures every day if i have to. i will get that small again, and smaller.

i have control. i can handle hunger. ive done this before.

im dangerously near my hw and this has been my wakeup call. im not allowing myself to gain anymore, idc how suicidal i am or how motivated by self destruction it is, im not binging anymore, im regaining control.

binging is over.

i will log my food here every day.

i will become obsessive again.

i will keep making rules, finding the best ways to reach my goals and i will keep proof of it here.

i was lost to depression this year and a deep binge eating and self harm addiction, i wasn't recovered, i was simply engaging in a different ed. my clothes are so tight now i only ever wear pajamas and sweats, the damage done is painfully unavoidable.

everytime i feel my thighs touch i die a little inside and that should be enough to motivate me.

every pair of jeans i can't pull up.

every dress that won't zip.

every pair of summer shorts i can't wear.

im going to change and it starts now.

being confronted with the past really affected me. im going to get that body back, and im going to get skinnier. i can't describe how difficult it is, i'm sure many of you know this for yourselves, i have a body that naturally wants to hold weight on so maintaining is a constant battle. but im ready.

im ready to make this my everything again. ive been so suicidal it's felt like ive had nothing, and no this won't reverse it but it gives me somewhere to focus. every moment that passes without food is a victory and that's something.

i will create a path for myself and i will get there.

[lenasminiland]

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[hexxxlife]

no sleep til, before, or after.

well, I've been in brooklyn for 9 hours and already an old man with dreads down to his ass proposed marriage on the train platform & a polish teen gangster offered us crystal meth in the park. like wait, let me understand this ... you want me to pay you $30 for a bag of drugs AND give you a cigarette?? damn, kid you drive a hard bargain but no. I completely forgot about that interlude until Erin reminded me of it upon waking. I did end up giving that kid a cigarette. then we spent the rest of the night chugging mescal and laughing like hyenas. my dignity's intact but I really should have washed my hair before I left home.

[hexxxlife]

aux vivres

Yesterday evening I bought a greyhound ticket on my phone while drinking a cocktail at the Ritz Carlton. That was the peak of my life making sense, through the lens of this cross-continental romp. And of course by “cocktail” I mean Canadian club and ginger ale. I ordered it for the look I knew the waitress would give me. She did not disappoint. You might not know this but I used to work at the Ritz Carlton in Orange County. For like a split second. The training is uniform, you do a drug test, and all the employees are unfailingly polite. I don’t think I have to tell you it was not a fit working environment for me, a sarcastic dick. Anyway I think the last time I got drunk on Canadian Club was in my dad’s basement, in like 2009. The pours at the hotel were like the pours at Taix– where you eyeball them incredulously and then have a talk with yourself about how you are going to finish your dinner, young lady. There is nothing classier i have ever done than order up a bus ticket with my Wells Fargo debit card while drunk in a hotel I’m not even staying at. May I live long and hard.

[hexxxlife]

swimming opportunities

went swimming in a killer bra and skort combo if I do say so myself. the bartendress really undersold the location. “Oh yeah there’s a pond, I’ve been swimming in it all summer.” turned up both at night and in daylight, full of edibles and boxed vermouth. Of all the indiscriminately destructive decisions I’ve made, I regret those that bear me into a state of aquatic submersion the least. the water was fucking cold. I cursed and splashed. Erin fell and tore the back of her leg up; rivers of bloodborne hilarity. I patched her up when we got back to the house. I’ve never debrided a wound with such a diverse combination of intoxicants in my system before. Improv army nurse right here. You’ve got wounds? I’ve got several meters of bloody paper towels and a decent-sized heart. We’re gonna have to get some Bactine when we get to Montreal. Or whatever they call that in French. Bactìn?