#to help out by the head of this like security company thing maybe its toto maybe is seb maybe even mattia or rene

[princemick-archive]

dima said kevmick bodyguard au and im-

[coffeemaenad]

Toto and Stompy save the world

@ravenwald I have no clue what the fuck just happened, but I had to sit there and write this and now you have to sit there and read this.

Refs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_85Vvqes3o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7D-1RG-VRk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEQuDyuQFKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6uwIj_S_pQ

“Tweet tweet. What are you up to?” Stompy asked his friend.

“Tweet tweet,” Toto said. “Just scrolling through everyone’s New Years wishes on Twitter. There’s a dog who hopes for a new skateboard, and look, a slug who wants a new grappling hook. Very strange. “I Like To Move It Move It Bird wants to open an academy to teach baby birds to dance, and Elvis Bird’s friend is hoping for some stick on ears that he can then stick earplugs into.  What do you hope the new year will bring?”

“I don’t know,” Stompy replied, gazing over his warm, secure cage laden with quality newspaper, (zero tabloids), and finally over the snowy feathers of his best friend. “I’ve got everything I need,” he said, his eyes brimming with happiness.

“”I’ve got everything I need,”Toto mimicked Stompy’s words with a burst of impatience. “That’s just the bullshit answer people give when they don’t want to think about it. What’s your real answer?”

“Well that was a bit needlessly aggressive,” Stompy said, clicking his beak. “I suppose I hope that you will take up those anger management classes.”

“I tried to, but they pissed me off too much,” Toto said with an apologetic tone. “I’m sorry for snapping Toto.”

Stompy wrapped a reassuring wing around his friend, who beamed and pulled in closer and they rested against each other for a few wordless seconds. Stompy hummed for a bit, and then perked his head up. “Stomping away sadness is my very favourite thing,” he said.

“You’re good at it too!” Toto trilled encouragingly.

“I hope so,” Stompy said, blushing furiously. Luckily, nobody noticed because he’s a bird. Maybe ornithologists can tell but for the purposes of this, his cheekbone feathers or whatever they’re called covered it up. “It makes me so happy to crush unhappiness mercilessly underfoot, to destroy it to its very core, to leave it a crumpled up pile of debris on the floor, to strike it down and cry “No more, scoundrel!”.”

Toto blinked.

“But,” Stompy continued. “There is a lot of sadness out there. It means that I will never run out of people to help, but it also means that there will always be people who need help.  It’s my fondest hope that someday, the world won’t need me anymore. I don’t think that’s coming this year. I don’t think it’s coming for a long, long time if I’m honest. But I do hope that perhaps a very special person, maybe some person out there, seeing an account of these words that have been recorded on some great world-spanning network of information that is accessible to all of the hearts and minds of the humans and the birds and the hippos and the samoyeds, and everyone, will take my message to heart. And they will be inspired to have hope. To have hope that despite all of the awful things in the world, there are still ordinary people who want a better world, and who will do their bit, bit by bit to add a little kindness where before there was none, or smile at someone who is alone, or collapse an evil system, or y'know, anything. And I hope that if a lot of people take it on themselves to perform one little good deed, maybe just one a day, that all of those little good deeds will add up. And one day, far in the future the good deeds will drown out the bad deeds, and the world will become a good and happy place for everyone. And sadness will be a memory. I hope that this is the year everyone decides to do it. A little good deed can save the whole world.”

“And I hope I get a really cool racecar,” Toto said.

“And also that Toto gets a really cool racecar,” Stompy sighed. “I mean, that’s fine. I wouldn’t lead with it, but it’s fine.”

They both basked in the quiet for a while.

“Are you annoyed with me?” Toto said.

Stompy fondly nuzzled his head against Toto’s. “Stop worrying. And lets get some sleep,” he said. So they both settled down, dreaming of what New Years Eve would bring them.

But the next morning, they awoke to a terrible sight. The shiny things were in disarray. The alcoholic birdseed was scattered around the cage. And where was the kale? There was no trace of it anywhere. Toto sank to the floor and screamed. With no kale, there could be no New Years Party. Everyone would scoff and go “Dude, where’s all the kale?” It was the absolute worst thing that could possibly have happened, and it was reality. The kale was all gone.

“The cage door isn’t broken,” Stompy said. And he was right. It had been expertly broken into, and left closed. But then why make such a terrible mess? Was the thief in a hurry? It was also very strange that the thief hadn’t taken any of the jewellery or treasure that Stompy and Toto had collected over the years. Only their kale. It was very strange. “It’s as if someone wanted to create a scene,” Stompy said. “They wanted to create a scene without causing any actual damage.”

“Without causing actual damage?” Toto screamed. “We can’t have a party without kale, everyone will laugh at us! Pumkin loves kale! He’ll leave. And if he leaves, Tuba will definitely leave! And if Tuba leaves, everyone will leave. Our New Year is ruined!”

Stompy scrunched his face up. Toto could be very shrill when he was upset. But Stompy was also an expert at stomping away sadness, and now was his moment. He pushed down his own anxieties about this absolute disaster that had unfolded, and trilled nonchalantly. “The kale is just an item, Toto. Our friends don’t care about possessions or treats or what wonderful things we can give them. They simply want to spend this time of year with us, to go over our memories and our hopes, to enjoy our company, and laugh and smile and while away the hours basking in the glow of companionship. That’s what’s important.”

“No it isn’t!” Toto said with a stamp of his foot. “I’m going to the shop to buy some more!”

“Thank god for keeping retail workers away from their families during the seasonal period,” Stompy said.

Toto nodded in agreement. “Thank god,” he said with a relieved chirp.

Toto hopped merrily along the street. He was thinking about New Year, and about Stompy’s speech, where he had hoped for a better world. Stompy had been making a lot of speeches lately. That was probably because God finds it easier to get their point across if they just inspire someone to outright say the moral instead of weaving it more carefully into the events of fate, Toto reasoned. Toto then started wondering if we are truly masters of our own destiny.  Perhaps our entire lives are planned for us by a drunken asshole deity who doesn’t really think things through properly because they hope against hope that their friend will find it sort of funny, a bit. Toto shivered. Such thoughts were too vast and scary for such a lovely New Years Eve. There were bands playing in the square, and early revelers singing very badly. Toto thought about all of the friends he had made this year, and smiled to himself. He loved them all very much, and hoped they knew how much he loved them.

But Toto stopped in his tracks. There was a stray kale leaf on the ground, a black footprint showing that it had been here for some time. Interesting. He studied it intently. The kale leaf seemed familiar. But it couldn’t be. It must be coincidence.

Like a bolt from the blue, he realised that there was yet another kale leaf further down. Toto decided to investigate. There was a trail of leaves leading into the distance. It looked like it would go on forever. But Toto wasn’t afraid. He hopped along, determined to reach the end of the trail and uncover the identity of the wicked kale thief. Not distance, nor snow, nor a ridiculous and illogical string of events would prevent him from achieving his goal. When Toto set his mind to it, nothing could stop him.

Toto was immediately caught in a net.

Back at the cage, the doorbell rang. Stompy began to wonder aloud in what sense his house was a cage if it had a doorbell, before realising with sadness that Toto wasn’t present to hear his musings. He drooped a little and hoped it was Toto at the door. It was just strange when the two were parted.

He opened the cage door. It wasn’t Toto. It was a slug in a neon pink superhero costume.

“Nice costume,” Stompy said.

“Thanks,” the slug replied. “The skintight latex really shows off my butt nicely.”

“Oh yes,” Stompy said. “Yes it certainly does. I hadn’t noticed.”

“Can I come in?” the slug said.

“It’s New Years Eve,” Stompy began to say, but then felt very ashamed of himself. He’d made a commitment to help everyone in need. Who was he to turn this little cosplayer away? “Of course you can, little slug. Make yourself at home.”

“Thanks,” the slug said, leaving a slime trail on the ground. “The name’s Wilson. I heard through the grapevine that you were the victim of a cruel and horrible kale thief. And I am sworn to bring the perpetrator to justice.”

“Oh,” Stompy said. “I mean, thats okay. My friend’s just gone to get more, it’s no big deal.”

The slug glowered angrily at those words. “I thought the same,” he said. “But you have no idea what you’re dealing with.”

Stompy sighed. “Are you about to tell me an overly long dramatic backsto-”

“It began just three nights ago,” the slug said. “Back then, I was just a normal slug. My name was Will. I enjoyed playing in the rain and making pedestrians trip over. Life was full of simple pleasures. It was dull, easy. But I knew in my heart that there was a greater destiny in store for me. An overwhelming, amazing destiny. I didn’t know how soon it would come and find me.”

“Would you like some tea?” Stompy said.

“Not in the middle of my story,” the slug said. “We were having a party. A little family get-together ahead of New Years. Y'know, because of peoples’ schedules and such. But the party was not to be.”

Stompy’s eyes widened. “I think I can guess what happened.”

The slug slumped sadly. “No kale to be found anywhere. Everyone was really disappointed. I knew I had to leave my old life behind. I had to throw off the shackles of Will, and begin anew. I had to face danger and best evil wherever I see it. I became Wilson. Only then could I stop this terrible thing! For it seems he’s upping his game. We’re not talking about a little get-together. This time there’s going to be no kale in the whole wide world! You have to help me stop him.”

Stompy sighed. “We can have another New Year Party another time. But if I don’t help you, there won’t be a world by the time of next New Year. Well, okay, that’s a little melodramatic. There will be a world, but peoples’ salads won’t pop like they should, and it’ll be a bit disappointing.”

Wilson smiled gratefully. “Thank you,” he said as Stompy suddenly stood upright with great force and raced to the cage door, knocking over bird furniture and straw. “Wow, you’re really keen, aren’t you?” he said.

“No,” Stompy said before correcting himself. “Well yes, but, no. I have to go. I think Toto’s in trouble!

Back to the other plot thread, Toto blinked from behind his net. He chjrped indignantly. “This is, this is just bloody well rude,” he screeched. “And when I find you, I’m going to-”

Shush,” a little voice said. “Please don’t be so loud.”

“Is it you?” Toto said. “Are you the one who put me in the net?” And then he hurled a barrage of expletives and threats far too violent and gruesome to reproduce here.

“Ew,” the voice said shakily. “I’m sorry about the net, okay? It’s just, I haven’t done an evil scheme before and I panicked. I mean, I had it down exactly how this was going to go, and, why did you have to poke your nose in?”

“So why did you have the net? Toto said.

“Look, I, because,” the voice said. “I don’t know. Okay? I admit it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“So it is you,” Toto said. “The foul beast who has been hoarding all of the kale. Show yourself, wretch!”

A tiny cockroach in a little purple supervillain costume scuttled out from behind a box. “Hi,” he said weakly, raising a tarsus in greeting before awkwardly putting it down again..

Toto was a bit taken aback. “You don’t seem very scary,” he said. “What’s all this nonsense about breaking into cages and putting me in a net then?”

The cockroach sighed. “You wouldn’t understand,” he said. “This was not meant to go this far. I’m sorry about stealing your kale. I’m sorry for dragging you into all of this. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“I think I understand,” Toto said. This cockroach was a lost and lonely soul, and needed some comfort. And net or no net, Toto had principles. And he took in a deep breath, looked through his net up at the starry night sky and began to sing the score from My Neighbour Totoro. The villain watched with a scowl, but Toto spied the odd break in his expression. He continued his song, gracefully and beautifully dancing vocally through the notes of the song, giving the most soulful and awe-inspiring rendition of the score from My Neighbour Totoro that had ever been. By the end of the song, the villain was sobbing great big  tears.

“We used to watch that as children,” the cockroach said wistfully.

Toto nodded. “It’s surprising how many situations the score of My Neighbour Totoro applies to. Now, are you going to stop being silly and tell me what the problem is?”

The cockroach nodded, and took in a deep, cleansing breath. “Let me let you out of that net first,” he said.

But Toto had already thrown it off. “Oh look,” he said. “It wasn’t attached to anything.”

Back in the other storyline, Stompy and Wilson were running. Well, Stompy was running, Wilson was slithering along the ground as fast as he could possibly go. “He was a good roach, once,” Wilson exposited. “He was the kindest, nicest bug in the whole world. He was my friend,” he added with a wistful sigh. “But something happened to him, something changed him. Turned him down this dark road. I don’t want to kill him, Stompy. Or imprison him if I can help it. I want to save him. I want him to understand that doing good things feels better than doing bad things.”

“If he hurts my Toto,” Stompy yelled, and then he didn’t know how to follow it up. Stompy had always believed in seeing the good in everyone. His goal was to help people. The only thing he stomped was sadness. But if this nonsense cost him Toto, cost him the most precious part of his life, he really didn’t know what he was going to do about it. Most likely dark shit. Messed up shit. Nobody hurt Toto. No ‘nobody hurt Toto or else’, just straight up, nobody hurt Toto. Or else.“If he hurts my Toto, you won’t have to worry about this supervillain,” Stompy hissed. “You’ll have to worry about me.”

Wilson twitched an antennae. “You have wings,” he said. “Why are we running?” Stompy stopped, skidded a bit as he steadied himself, and then picked up Wilson and they flew away.

“That was when I was ten-” the supervillain cockroach sniffled. “And then when I was eleven, I got a new bike, and the bullies at bug school stole it, and Wilson was the one who went back and got it for me. And I never thanked him. And when I was twelve-”

“It sounds like you and Wilson are very close,” Toto said. “I’m sure he’ll understand if you just give back all of the kale and apologise. We all make mistakes, and a friendship like that is too important to throw away.”

“You don’t understand,” the roach said sadly. “I can’t do that. He needs me.”

“What do you-” Toto began, but he was interrupted by a loud crashing. Stompy burst in, clutching Wilson in his feet. Wilson had a look of determination on his face. Probably. “Unhand that bird, Billson!” Wilson cried.

“Is your name Billson?” Toto said incredulously.

“Silence!,” the supervillain, whose name definitely was Billson, said to Toto. “Too bad for you, Wilson! My plans are already in motion!”

“Toto,” Stompy cried. “Are you okay? If you’re hurt, I’m going to fucking eat both of these little fuckers right fucking now-”

“Stompy!” Toto squealed. “I knew you’d come.”

“I’m afraid you’re too late, heroes!” Billson scoffed. “Do you seriously think I’d allow you into my hideout if there were the slightest chance of any of the kale being retrieved? I scoffed it all thirty-five minutes ago! And, do you seriously think you can go and buy more? The shops all closed thirty-five minutes ago! And do you seriously think you’re going to have a fun night at the bonfire watching the New Years fireworks? They stopped letting people in thirty-five minutes ago. And do you - Ouch, watch where you’re going!”

Toto had shoved him aside as he raced into Stompy’s wings. Stompy flung himself around his friend, his eyes dewy with relief. They spun around laughing with joy at being reunited.

“I was so terrified,” Stompy cried. “I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you!”

“I can take care of myself,” Toto laughed. “How did you know where I was? This is such a masterfully hidden hideout.”

Stompy blushed again as he gazed into his friend’s eyes. “I always know when you need me,” he said. Toto smiled and they pressed their foreheads together, as the strains of Auld Lang Syne began to ring out over the night. The clock had struck midnight.

“How touching!” Billson sneered. “But I must be off! There are other schemes I shall unleash upon the world.” And then he just sort of walked out. Wilson tried to catch up with him, but as he was a slug, he couldn’t go very fast.

“No!,” Wilson cried. “We shouldn’t have let him escape!”

“We had to,” Toto said. “Don’t you see, Wilson? You’ve done so much for him over the years. He just wanted to give you the one thing every truly great adventurer needs.”

“And what’s that?” Wilson said.

“An adversary!” Toto said. “Sherlock Holmes has Moriarty. Batman has the Joker. A third example. If an adventurer doesn’t have a nemesis, they just aren’t cool. Billson believes in you so much that he’s prepared to dedicate his life to proving just how much! So let him have his New Year. You can go and kick the shit out of him tomorrow.” Wilson’s antennae flicked back and forth as he realised the truth and smiled.

“Now I’m a real adventurer!” he said. “How wonderful! Happy New Year everyone!”

Stompy and Toto hopped back on the way home, wing in wing, talking at length about the adventure they had had. A band was playing in the town square, and crowds of people had come outside into the night to wish each other happy new year, and share their hopes for the future. They stood and watched the happy scene.

“I meant what I said,” Toto said. “About the racecar. I mean, I would really really like one. But it’s not my fondest hope.”

“Then what is your fondest hope?” Stompy said.

“I hope that things don’t change too much. I mean, with us. I hope we’re still this close next year, and every year. Every year from now until forever. Stompy, I love you.”

Stompy beamed. “You didn’t need to say that. I already knew. But thank you. Come on. Lets dance.”

“I can’t dance!” Toto laughed. “Two left feet.”

“It’s easy, Stompy said. You simply lift this foot… aaaand-”

They were interrupted as “I Like to Move It Move It” started blasting into the night. I Like To Move It Move It bird had arrived to get the party started. Toto and Stompy laughed, excited for the arrival of their old friend. They swayed together, the rest of the world fading away, and danced. They danced until the sky was tinged with pink and a new day began. The New Year had arrived. And Stompy and Toto realised that they had forgotten to go to their own New Years party. But it was okay because Tuba had a key, and everyone else just had the party without them. It was an awesome party. Nobody present even liked kale.

In the years that follow this tale, it hardly seems necessary to describe the numerous adventures of Wilson the Slug and his trials against his arch-nemesis Billson, famous and beloved as those thrilling tales are. Billson continued encouraging Wilson to believe in himself as an adventurer and Wilson was able to help so many more people in turn. Perhaps if, in the New Year and every year, we all try to be a little kinder and wiser to each other, one day Stompy’s dream of a better tomorrow will come true. And he and Toto, safe in the knowledge that they are no longer needed, will retire, get a collection of racecars and go round and round and round in the racecars until they get dizzy and stop and get ice cream.

The end.