#today I made a bucket list of churches to try (By Myself) and places to visit around town

[brown-little-robin]

it went fine yesterday btw :}

[katie-writes24]

Last Chance

Pairing: Alexander Hamilton x reader

Warnings: Language, suggestive material, brief religious content ig, angst, fluff, weddings, bad officiant script (if that makes sense), irl it’s kinda wrong but just go with it.

Part 2

I’ll just get straight to the point, Taylor Swift was the cause of this..... That’s it! You’re welcome, enjoy! Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Oh and also, can we appreciate that I finally figured out to put the ‘keep reading’ feature on because I finally set tumblr up on my computer? Yay me, this is a life changer you don’t even know!

As a kid, Y/N would be dragged to church every Sunday, told to represent her supposedly "religious" family. Her mother would force her into a dress, always reminding her to "sit like a lady" since there were always boys present, and you just never know. They would go and learn about the god above, be thankful that they were brought here, cheer his name. 

When she was fourteen, she went into church on a Monday, this time for a funeral. She automatically noticed the change in tone, obviously, but since then she looked at churches a bit different. They weren't praised as much, they held an entire different meaning, one that wasn’t very happy at all. No, she learned that churches could be just as devastating as celebratory. 

Like now, where people gathered in front of the steps, mingling and wearing expensive clothing. There was a truck on the lawn, workers were shoving different table sets across the road, where a large tent was set up. There was a group of people laughing a couple feet away, all looking down at a little girl with a white dress on. A stretch limousine rolled around and a few women climbed out with grace, all wearing the same pale color. 

Truly devastating. 

Y/N tugged at her own dress, hoping that the simple color would at least help her blend in with the crowd. Maria had told her it would be just fine, and it’s not like a new fancy dress was in her budget. 

Besides, it’s not like anyone here cares about her appearance. They’re not here for her. In fact, she hadn’t found one familiar face yet, which should be a good thing, but Y/N couldn’t help but wonder how many of these guests both parties even knew. 

“Would you ever get married?” 

He scoffed, “Marriage isn’t very meaningful is it, why should I have to document my love for you? As long as we both know it right?”

“Okay...I guess you’re right, but I wouldn’t mind seeing you in a nice tux.” She wiggled her eyebrows, but it didn’t bother him. 

“Is that all you’d want a wedding for? Because I will gladly put on a fancy tux if it meant you’d be down to-”

“Shut up! No, that’s not all. I’d like one, I’d think it’d be nice. It wouldn’t even have to be a big one.” She could see them by the beach, perhaps even getting married at the courthouse and use their money to blow on a big dinner after. She wouldn’t even mind a service in their apartment, it’s roomy. 

“Well, not like I have anyone for a big wedding anyways…”

She sat down next to him and stroked her fingers through his hair. “We’d invite our friends. I could invite my mom, you know she loves you. We don’t need a bunch of people to have a wedding.”

“Good, because I don’t want a giant guest list where there are different number tables and- a full service and a grand ceremony. I just...I just want you.”

She wonders how much of this is total bullshit. 

From where she’s standing, Y/N doesn’t think anyone would approach her. The lake is quite breathtaking, but the crowd is full of anxiousness and people are patiently waiting for the ceremony to start by the front of the church. 

Some people pass her by, and she picks up on certain terms, like how “beautiful the church is” or “she picked out the perfect dress, Philip was crying it was so pretty” and her favorite “just wait till you see this guy, they are just perfect for each other.”

Perfect. 

“I told you I can’t dance.”

“And I was a fool to not believe you. My feet are killing me,” He smirked and then laughed as she hit his shoulder. 

“Fuck off! Why are we doing this again?” She looked up at the sky that cracked before her, grey clouds mushing together.

“Because dancing in the rain is on my bucket list,” He twirled her around, pulling her close when she fumbled out of the turn. 

“Okay, what does that have to do with me? You’re telling me all your years before we met you couldn’t have gone outside and danced?” She grimaced as she felt drops of water against her skin. 

“Maybe I was waiting for the perfect person to do it with?” A hand wrapped around her waist and she chuckled. 

“Perfect? I am far from perfect,” They met each other’s stare and she got butterflies just seeing that look in his eye. 

“Well, then this is perfect,” The rain started to beat against the cement below them. “You and me, here right now, together. It’s perfect.”

Lost in her own thoughts, she didn’t hear anybody approach until they called her name. Y/N turned her head a little too fast, scared that she would be caught, there would be a giant scene, and then she would lose her chance at-

At what exactly? She didn’t know either.

“That’s really you, isn’t it?”

Hercules always was so welcoming, she never felt out of place when she was around him. In fact, he actually had a small smile on now, dressed nicely in his, most likely own, tailored suit. 

“Hey, Herc,” Y/N gripped her own arm, unsure if it was appropriate to go in for a hug. “You look nice.”

“Thank you, I made it myself.” He chuckled and opened his arms, allowing her to view his form. He looked just the same as she had seen him almost two years ago. 

“It’s definitely you! Did that business of yours ever hit it off with the investors?” Maybe she was aiming for small talk in hope of a distraction, she wasn’t ready for the obvious to be out in the open just yet. 

“No, but I’m working with something better. Got a lot of new line ups, good people to work with…” Hercules  trailed off with a fond smile on his face. 

“I’m really happy for you, Herc. You deserve it!” 

He smiled, “What about you? What have you been up to?”

Y/N winced and tried not to fidget. “Still working for the same place, I actually got a promotion a couple months ago, so I’ve been busy with that...But everything else has been...things are going well.” 

Hercules nodded, and just like a wave, tension flooded the air around them. 

Y/N refused to look up and meet his eyes, to either see full curiosity, disappointment or any other mood that would just make her feel sick to her stomach, will have her asking the same question over and over to herself. However, the silence couldn’t stay too long. 

“Y/N, what...why are you here?” 

An older woman was yelling at a worker, wanting more champagne for the bride's suite. She was aggressive, and yet the guests around her weren’t baffled at her behavior in the slightest. Y/N hated entitlement, hated more when the rich forgot that other people aren’t as fortunate enough as them. 

Y/N also hated that Hercules was still staring at her while she was wondering if her own mother would be so stressed as to the point of lashing out at others. 

“How long have they been engaged?” She finds herself asking only to quiet her thoughts of if they were stuck in one place and never seemed to want more. 

“Eight months,” Hercules sighed, never being one to push and always being honest. “Eliza’s sweet, she has a good heart. She’s loyal-”

Ouch.

“And she makes him happy.”

“Do you think we were ever… not happy?” Her eyes finally met his, instantly going soft and trying to word his answer carefully, even though Y/N could see a straight answer on his face. 

“I think...you guys worked around each other well. I think you enjoyed each other’s company, and maybe you might have been in love once, but that’s in the past. Right now, over a hundred people are going to celebrate what’s best for him and Eliza…”

He’s not marrying you, he’s not with you. 

It was something unspoken, but Y/N knew that was what Hercules was trying to get at, letting her know that her presence was unwelcome and that this was for the best. 

Why was she here? Why did she think that today would be the day to confess her feelings that never drifted away? Why was she so selfish, and think that her happiness was more important than-

Someone approaches them rather quickly, and it makes her turn and brace for an attack. 

Instead, it’s just John. 

“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here, you weren’t invited!” He was loud and he was causing a scene, something Y/N definitely did not want. He actually looked like he was about to jump her, but before he could move any closer Hercules puts his arm on John’s chest to block him. 

“Relax, John,” Hercules looked back at her with a pointed look. “Y/N was just leaving.”

There was a pause, and she almost believed that yes, she was leaving. This was her cue, no one wanted her here, she wasn’t supposed to be here. Who is she to ruin a wedding? How could she do something so terrible?

“You should move in,” He ran his hand over her back, listening to her slow breaths. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. It’d be nice, having you here all the time?” He knew she was drifting off and probably wasn’t even registering what he was saying. He was proven wrong when she raised her head to look at him in the dark light. 

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt seeing you all day,” Y/N smirked as he nudged her with his leg. She kissed his chest and smiled down at him. “If I move in, there’s no turning back. Rent is too high for me to be switching back and forth.”

“I couldn’t think of anywhere else I'd want you to be.”

Y/N gave him a curt nod, walking backwards a bit before fully turning around. She walked all the way pass the church, passed the parking lot, all the way down to the end of the lake. She was out of sight. 

But there was no way she was leaving. There was no way she was going to give up her last chance. 

Even from where she stood, she could hear the beats of the traditional wedding music pick up, cheers from the crowd pick up as everyone hustled inside. 

Her feet moved before she could even make a decision. 

There was an elderly couple just walking into the room, and luckily the man held the door open for her. She thanked him and took the grand venue in. On each bench there was a bouquet of flowers, a white row leading up to the altar. It was packed, and Y/N could only imagine how many people she was about to shock. 

She sat in an empty aisle seat in the back, and finally realized that Eliza was just reaching the top of the stairs, kissing her fathers cheek before he gave her over to him. 

“Should I get a haircut?”

“No. I like it the way it is. You have nice hair, it’s soft and always so full. Why would you want to chop it off?” She caressed said hair. 

“Eh, it’s too long. I think it’s a hassle to work with when I’m getting ready for work. I don’t know…” He looked in the mirror with a pained face. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest, leaning her cheek on his back. 

“Well, personally, I like it. But it is your hair. You know I’d love you either way.”

“Are you just being biased?” 

“Mmh, well, I can’t say I don’t like having something to pull on.” She tugged and he whimpered before turning and kissing her, a full grin on his face. 

He looked just like Y/N imagined him. In fact he hasn’t changed, except maybe the circles under his eyes got a bit darker. His hair was neatly wrapped in a ponytail behind his head, sharp tux on, a smile on his face.

Except none of that was for Y/N, it was for another woman. 

Swallowing back the lump in her throat she cleared her throat, tapping her foot nervously as the officiant started speaking. 

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of Alexander and Elizabeth.”

“Stop being such a poor sport.”

“You so cheated! You know what, it’s fine. Because I know what really happened.”

“I’ll tell you what happened: Mr. Hamilton sucks at Mario Kart!”

“You take that back!”

“Through their time together, they have realized that their goals and dreams are more meaningful through a combined effort and mutual support provided in love.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You got promoted, Alex! You’ve come so far since we met. You work so hard, you stay late at work, you stress yourself out far too much for my liking. But you got exactly where you wanted to be! And from here you can only go up! I’m proud of you!”

He smiled, kissing her knuckles and thanking her. 

“As we create this marriage, we create a new bond and a new sense of family.”

“I hope our kids have your eyes.”

“If we’re thinking about children, I have no problem shoving them right back if they don’t look exactly like you.”

“Alex, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m just saying. Your eyes, your nose, I even want them to be as witty as you.”

“I hope they don’t have your sense of style.”

“Hey!”

“Now, before we begin the vows, if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony-”

“You’re acting crazy!”

“No, I’m acting reasonable! You can’t seriously think that you were just going to let this go?”

“Where are we going, Y/N? We’re stuck in this one spot, and I can’t do it anymore!”

“Then don’t!”

“Let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.”

“I think I’m falling in love with you…” She wiped the tears from her eyes as he held her closely to his chest. “And I’m terrified.”

Y/N stands without letting herself have any more doubts. 

Almost immediately, attention is drawn. There are gasps in the crowd, one woman even let out a horrid yell. The man sitting a couple feet away even scoffs, like Y/N’s idea was ridiculous. It’s enough commotion that causes the bride and groom to look her way. 

Warmth filled her as his brown eyes connected with hers. 

It went in flashes, Alexander’s emotions. First he was a bit confused, almost as to why their loved ones were making such noise. Then, it was anger, finally realizing that it was because someone was objecting to his wedding. And as their eyes connected, it was like he was sad. 

Maybe it was because he hasn’t seen her since she walked out. Maybe it was because she was ruining his special day. Maybe it was because he knew she lost her chance years ago, and that even he knew it was too late. 

Maybe it was because he knew the outcome of this. 

Y/N took a shuddering breath, before saying the three words that could easily crush the hearts of everyone in this room. But she ignored the appalled crowd, she ignored the angry face of John right next to Alex, she didn’t even want to see how broken Eliza must look right now. 

Instead, she focused on the very small quirk of Alexander’s lips, the small chance of hope that was promised. 

[itsachels]

Italy; pt. 2

Venice, Florence, & Rome

I have to open my heart up a bit before I post. Midway through writing this, I got hit with the most overwhelming feeling of “Who on earth wants to read all of this?” That’s part of the struggle with writing. I know travel stories are usually a lot more fun for the traveler to tell than it is for the audience to listen to. That’s why it’s so fun for me to write this, because I don’t do much “story telling” after trips for fear of boring people. I can see it on their faces and it’s a little hurtful but that’s okay. I’ve been in their place enough times to not take it personally. So anyways, this is my first opportunity to tell about Italy from front to back. To be frank, no one has to read this. A big part of keeping confidence with this blog is reminding myself that this is all for me, not to please an “audience”. But it’s hard, you know? I always want some kind of approval, even if it’s never spoken…it hurts more than it should, to think someone might read my stuff and think it’s “stupid” or “pointless”. It’s all very dear to my heart so I just want others to appreciate it the way I do. If you do choose to read this…thank you! You are so appreciated, and I hope it inspires you!

Venezia

It has been so hard getting around to typing this story out. My baby is at such a clingy stage right now, which makes it hard to sit down and do this. Normally during his naps, I get housework done, but today I’m just going to ignore the mountain of dirty dishes so I can finally write. If you haven’t read Part 1, you can find it here.

On our last day in the Puglia region of Italy, we meant to go to Alberobello, but there was major confusion with the buses. Sometimes transportation was tricky, since it was all so unfamiliar. At home, if I want to go somewhere, I just jump in my car. I don’t have to worry about reading bus schedules, let alone reading them in a different language. So that left us stranded in Bari with nothing to do. We eventually ended up on a bench outside of McDonald’s, playing Sudoku and listening to music.

When it was finally time to hop on the train to Venice, we had a 7-hour train ride ahead of us. We didn’t get to there until 10 pm, so finding our air b&b was tricky. We eventually found it down a creepy dark alley (my mom’s heart rate probably just quickened). It was a studio apartment with barely any room to walk, incredibly low ceilings, and a broken shower. But it had windows that opened up to the canal and that was honestly all I wanted. We paid $88 a night which is dirt cheap to stay on the canal in Venice. It’s senseless to splurge on hotel rooms, in my opinion, when you’re only sleeping there. The more you spend, the more pressure you feel to stay and get your money’s worth rather than going out to explore the city.

We had one of our few “American” breakfasts the next morning. I say that because breakfast in Italy usually means a pastry with a cappuccino or juice. It’s hard to find places that’ll serve you much more than that. It was delicious, and this cute little café is where I had my first real Italian espresso experience. And you can bet it was my last.

We found our way to St. Mark’s square and basilica and I couldn’t stare at that church long enough! The exterior was amazing. We opted out of Doges Palace because it was expensive. I think its important to be able to let yourself miss out on things…just because it’s on most people’s itinerary, doesn’t mean it has to be on yours. Save the time and money for things you just can’t leave without experiencing. We spent our extra time that day sitting on the edge of a canal, watching gondolas pass by and soaking in the sunshine.

We stumbled into the Galleria dell’ Accademia. It wasn’t originally part of our itinerary (we barely had one to begin with), but we saw a sign saying Leonardo DaVinci’s art was on display, including “Vitruvian Man”. Alex was so excited to see it, which made me enjoy it even more.

One regret I have is not noting the names of some restaurants we liked. Like, I still daydream about the paninis and peach bellini we had that day. Anyways, around that area we saw the Bridge of Sighs. In case you don’t know the backstory, it was the bridge prisoners were led across on the way towards their execution. The little gated windows gifted them with one last view of Venice.

After some souvenir shopping on the Rialto bridge, we napped back at the room. Not to be dramatic, but I almost couldn’t walk anymore. That was followed up with dinner at a cute little restaurant that reminded me of the Lady & the Tramp’s spaghetti & meatballs scene. We pigeon-watched in a small plaza afterwards, listening to the water flow down the canal and talking until sundown. It was pretty romantic, if I do say so myself. If I had to describe Venice in one word, it’d be that: romantic.

Thus, ended our one day there. I wish we had more time. We ate cereal and yogurt in our room the next morning, dropped the key in the box, and rode the vaporetto back to the train station. By afternoon, we would be in Alex’s #1 bucket list city: Florence.

Firenze

When I look back on Florence I mainly think of gelato, drizzling rain, ceilings covered in intricate and vivid paintings, and of course the Renaissance architecture (I’m looking at you, Maria del Fiore).

Our hotel (Hotel Lorena) in Florence was so sweet. It was basically a hole in the wall; we almost didn’t see the entrance when we were walking past. It was owned by the nicest man with the strongest Italian accent I’ve ever heard. His mother was his assistant🥺, and she while she showed me to our room she asked about my pregnancy and said a baby boy is one of the greatest gifts I will ever receive. I wish I could tell her how right she was!

Okay. I have to talk about the Medici Chapelle Ristorante. I will never forget that meal, in all my days. The best part was the cocoli…fried dough drizzled in honey…a Tuscan beignet. That one in a lifetime meal was followed by gelato, on the steps of the Medici chapel, before turning in for the night.

The next day was big because we were setting out for the Duomo. It was only a couple of blocks away from Hotel Lorena; we had a view of it from our bedroom window. It rained a good bit but we still had fun seeing the incredible exterior of the church and the inside, which was also beautiful. We were blessed to be able to attend mass there. Did you know that in 1601, lightning struck the copper sphere on top of the cathedral, and it smashed into the ground? You can not appreciate how far that ball fell until you’re standing in the building’s shadow. There’s a marble circle marking the spot where it landed.

The bell tower had an unforgettable view of the city and goes higher than the church’s dome, which is what people normally choose as their viewpoint. The stairway was so narrow, there were times I seriously wasn’t sure the crowd could get through. At least all the work was well worth the view.I am not ashamed of what we spent as Ditti Artigeniale the next morning because we were desperate for one of those “American” breakfasts I was talking about. It gave us plenty of energy for exploring Pitti Palace and all of its beautiful painted ceilings. Why don’t we decorate like that anymore???? In the backyard were the Boboli gardens, which were by far one of the prettiest sights I saw on our trip. A garden on a hill, in full bloom, with the Tuscan countryside for a backdrop? Yes, please.

No, we didn’t see the statue of David. Remember our conversation about where to put your money? We didn’t want to put it there. I just really didn’t want to spend $50 to see a statue I wasn’t very excited about. We settled for a free viewing of its replica, which happened to be near the Fountain of Neptune. If you stare at any chunk of concrete in Florence, let this fountain be it. It was breathtaking. I feel like this whole paragraph could be very offensive to an art connoisseur. Sorry!!! I’m sure David is very handsome and I am not comparing the fountain to a chunk of concrete.

Florence was a lot like Polignano a mare in the fact that we spent so much time walking around, stumbling into churches and shops and just trying to figure out where to eat next. We had a very slow pace on this trip and didn’t hesitate to stop by our hotel for a nap when we felt a yawn coming on. A nap in Italy is better than a nap at home! Our days were really simple and easy. No pressure, no running to “fit it all in”. It was unhurried strolling, easy conversation, and letting the day unravel however it wanted to.

Rome

A harsh contrast from that last paragraph: Rome was intense. My legs were bruised from all the walking. One evening I tried to wipe off what I though was bluish dirt (?) on my thighs, and when it wouldn’t give, I realized they were bruises! Not from bumping into anything but just from the stress of carrying a baby all over the city. And our b&b was just weird. People didn’t seem to understand “modesty” when walking out of the bathroom, our host was kind of a stick in the mud, and it was down a sketchy/dirty street. I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but I’m not. It was so cheap and steps away from the metro. It was also above a corner shop that sold delicious cappuccinos and pastries for only 2 euros, so that supplied our breakfast every day. We didn’t mind all the little annoyances and it just made for more memories. Believe me, Rome was beyond worth it.

We started with a free walking tour guided by a local college student. He did amazing; these tours are a good way to get your feet wet in a new city. It gives you a feel for the layout and your guide can share little things that you wouldn’t know otherwise. For example, in the Piazza del Popolo, we had sat under a big statue playing i-spy. We just thought it was a nice place to people-watch. As it turns out, we were sitting in the shadow of a 4000+ year old Egyptian obelisk. We never would’ve known! Our guide also took us to the Pantheon; Alex was so cute with how excited he was.

Before the tour, when we saw the Spanish steps (so beautiful in person), we went to the church at the very top. If you paid a euro or two, you could light a prayer candle. We lit one for Noah. It’s really special to me that he was on that trip with us, even though he was obviously still in the womb. Because we want to continue traveling as a family, it felt like the beginning of something exciting.

That was just day one…the rest of our Rome adventure included the Colosseum and surrounding areas, lots of people-watching in different piazzas, an interesting night in the Trastevere neighborhood, a fun little trip to the countryside to tour the Catacombs, and aaaall the glory of the Vatican. Rome deserves a longer piece, but I feel like I’ve exhausted myself sharing what I have so far. I’ll save it for a rainy day. Even then, though, I simply cannot tell all about Rome without writing a whole book. I wish I could share every funny story and mishap and surprise. You just have to see it for yourself.

And that is my story of Italy. If you’re debating a trip, go. It’s a gem you get to carry in your heart for a lifetime after. I hope reading this inspires some ideas!

[tannie-bell]

50 Questions Tag 💖

Tagged by the lovely @daisychans (thank you~!! 💕💕)

1. What takes too much of your time?

honestly? this site 😂

 2. What makes your day better?

my favorite foods, soft pics of my faves, and good music

 3. What is the best thing that happened to you today?

finding coffee that reminds me of what i had in bangladesh

4. What fictional place would you want to go to?

idk...somewhere with dragons and mermaids

 5. Are you good at giving advice?

i’ve been told i am...now whether that’s true or not is up for debate 🤷😂

6. Do you have any mental illnesses?

i’ve never been diagnosed with anything, so no (as far as i’m aware at least)

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

nope. from what i’ve heard, i don’t want to experience it either

8. What musicians have inspired you the most?

definitely bts and stray kids...danny gokey's story is really moving and inspirational too

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

with like a person?? romantically?? no :) not yet at least

10. What’s your dream date?

a soft date (late afternoon/early evening) at a cozy, preferably local café, with a nice walk through a park and a stop at either a bookstore or bakery (or both!). basically anything soft is a dream date

11. What do others notice about you?

from a purely physical perspective, that i’m almost as pale as a ghost and how long my hair is (when i have it down)

12. What annoying habit do you have?

I still bite my fingernails, no matter how hard i try to stop (i've gotten better though)

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

considering i’ve not had a “first love” yet, no :)

14. How many exes do you have?

including all the silly litte “relationships” you can have when your like 8?? three

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

which playlist? bc that makes a huuuge difference 😂😂 in the one i listen to most, about 142

16. What instruments do you play?

mainly piano, but i can also fumble my way through playing an ocarina

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

me 😂 after that, bang chan

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

s. korea, china, bangladesh again, basically most of asia (bc i don't think i can make it to every country 😂)

19. What is your zodiac?

libra

20. Do you relate to it?

ehh, no, not much

21. what is happiness to you?

my biases's smiles to me, happiness is using my passions in ways that positively impact others

22. Are you going through anything at the moment?

the stress and then denial that comes with procrastinating so long you can’t possibly get everything done in time :)))

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

procrastinating

24. What’s your favourite store?

barnes & noble or hot topic or h&m

25. What’s your opinions on abortion?

i personally don’t support it, but i’m not going to scream at and hate on people who do bc that’s just rude and like, i’m not going to shove my opinions and beliefs in anyone’s face. if someone asks what my stance is, i’ll tell them without being condescending and jerky and leave it at that

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

i mean i have a series of things i wanna do, but i don’t have a physical list

27. Do you have a favourite album?

one of many impossible questions um.... skillet's unleashed is pretty high on the list

28. What do you want for your birthday?

dinner at this local indian restaurant that’s supposedly really good

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

closed off, maybe; very quiet and shy only until i’m comfortable around you...then you betta watch out 

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

approximately the same (18), maybe a little bit younger or older depending on the person

31. Where do you keep your phone when sleeping?

on my nightstand/dresser thing next to my bed

32. What word do you say the most?

probably “like” 😂😂

33. What’s the oldest person you’d date?

atm probably someone no older than 22-23

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

once i hit 22, three years younger at the most. right now, my age (maaayybe a year younger) bc i’m not dating a 15yo

35. What job or career do most people say would suit you?

anything artsy. a couple people who’ve witnessed me arguing said i could be a lawyer 😂😂😂 big nope to that last one

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

does k-pop count as a genre i like so many different genres that i don't think i have a favorite. i just like good music that isn't entirely predictable. i do really like metal though

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would you live?

japan or s. korea

38. What’s your favourite song at the moment?

mikrokosmos ~ bts

39. How long have you had this blog for?

three days shy of 13 months

40. What are you excited for?

sleeping soundly all night tonight and my trip to japan in four weeks 😍

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

it really depends on the situation and the person. i'm usually more of a listener. i think

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

helped set up for my cousin’s graduation party

43. What do you want for Christmas?

my two front teeth um, probably money for a car if i don't have one at that point. either that or books

...or a laptop

44. What classes do you get the best grades in?

typically more artsy ones. english too

45. On a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling right now?

ehh, maybe a 5-6??

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

living somewhere in asia with my future husband (and hopefully children), teaching english and assisting local churches

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

i didn’t~~yet.

48. What age do you want to get married?

i don’t really have a preferred age. young enough that i can still have kids lol

49. What career did you want as a child?

i really wanted to be a dancer! my family never had enough money when i was growing up to pay for lessons, but i’m thinking about just teaching myself once i have some free time 😂  

50. What do you crave right now?

 gulab jamun, donut holes, milk tea....pretty much anything and everything that keeps me from losing weight 😂😂

tagging the wonderful @ahjihyuk @sing-sang-seungminnie @chioo92 @wpnderfyk (if you want to ❤️) and if anyone else wants to, please consider yourself tagged 😊 💕

[dailyaudiobible]

03/08/2019 DAB Transcript

Numbers 10:1-11:23, Mark 14:1-21, Psalms 51:1-19, Proverbs 10:31-32

Today is the 8th day of March. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian and it is a pleasure to be here with you at the end of another work week. And I am glad for that. A little more sleep through the weekend and that should be the end of the jet lag and that’ll be great. At any rate it is it is a pleasure and it is a joy to come around the global campfire together with you and allow God's word to speak. We’re reading from the New Living Translation this week. Today, Numbers chapter 10 verse 2 through 11:23.

Commentary:

Okay. So, it's not a bad idea to remember Psalm 51. It's not a bad idea to know where that is and how to get there because the cry of repentance found in Psalm 51 really does portray for us the posture of heart that we need to go to God with when we have things we need to confess. And it's really easy, especially when you're dealing with things that maybe we’ve been dealing with for a long time and it's kind of like, you know, I've confessed this a thousand times and I'm sure that my heavenly Father is disgusted with me. It's important to know that He's not and this feeling that we may feel is how were supposed to feel. And it's doubtful that many if any of us are in the predicament that David was in when this prayer was prayed because David had a bunch of chaos and scandal going on. He had gotten another man's wife pregnant and he had had that man killed to cover it up. And that man happened to be one of the 30 most loyal warriors to David. And, so, David had taken his friend's wife, gotten his friends wife pregnant, and then killed his friend. That, I mean, that is about as low as it gets. So, coming back to Psalm 51 and just understanding the posture of crying out from your heart in repentance and asking God for His mercy and then expecting that He can create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you, this is so helpful.

Prayer:

Father, we take counsel of your word that you have brought into our lives today. This is an opportunity for us to come humbly with our hat in hand down upon our knees before you, understanding that you are the great and Almighty God. And yes, you are our Father. And Father, we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed by what we have done and by what we have left undone. Purify us from our sins and we will be clean, wash us and we will be made whiter than snow, give us back our joy again, don’t see our sins, remove the stain of our guilt. Create in us a clean heart, oh God. Renew a loyal spirit within us. Do not banish us from your presence or take your Holy Spirit. Restore joy of our salvation and make us willing to obey you. We repent of our sins and we ask your Holy Spirit to change us from within. And may how we live this day reveal what you are doing in us as we are purified. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, its where you find out what’s going on around here.

Couple of things. Obviously, we’ve just returned from our pilgrimage to the land of the Bible for this year, but we’ll be going back next year, and registration is open for that. And well, so far, all of the pilgrimages that we’re taking to the land of the Bible they sell out, so it’d be a good time to check into that. If that's something that's on your heart, something that you've really put on your bucket list, something that you want to experience, then you can go to dailyaudiobible.com and go to the Initiatives section and you will see Israel 2020. And you can get all of the details that you would want to know.

The other thing is also an event, it is the More Gathering for women and that is coming up in just a couple of short months, actually not even a couple short months. Like, in just over a month we’ll be up on Sharp Top mountain in the mountains of North Georgia, which are absolutely gorgeous. And it's a gorgeous time of year to go there. And the More Gathering for women will be taking place. So, you can get all of the details at moregathering.com or just go to dailyaudiobible.com and go to the Initiatives section, same place where Israel 2020 is and you will see the More Gathering and all of the details are there. And, yeah, I mean, if it's been a long winter and your looking for new life to spring forth this is a good reset, the More Gathering for women. It's a hard thing to describe but I can tell you that relationships that will last your lifetime, friendships have been formed there. There are groups of ladies that the come and meet each other each year to just remember what happened in their lives at the More Gathering. So, it is a powerful, powerful time. And if reset and restart is something that you’re feeling in your heart, this is a good way to get that going. So, you can get all the details at moregathering.com and hope to see you there.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link. It is on the homepage and I thank you humbly and profoundly for those of you who have clicked that link. If you're using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And as always, if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi Daily Audio Bible family, this is Mary Lynn from New Brunswick calling once again. And this time is the first time I’m calling for a prayer request for myself. I had __ with God because he just called for me, but I would like to lift up my marriage. I don’t want to make it sound like we are in crisis. I have a wonderful husband who is a good provider and he’s got so many great qualities, but he walked away from the Lord probably about 15 years ago now and as I continue to grow it just becomes a continues to become…it continues to become more of more of a bone of contention between us. I keep trying to serve the Lord and please Him and do things that I know that the Holy Spirit is telling me to do and, for whatever reason, a lot of time that causes strife in our marriage. So, if you would just lift him up, his name is Dennis. He is saved as I said but he‘s just…the last 15 years…in all honesty, he’s never told me what happened but I believe it had a little bit to do with some church hurt that went on through our church. And I guess for me it’s a little easier to understand that humans are humans and we’re not to follow Christians, we’re to follow Christ. So, I would really appreciate it if you would lift up him and our marriage and just that he would be enlightened, that the Holy Spirit would fall fresh on him and that his conviction would bring him back into a constant walk with the Lord and that our marriage would begin to be revitalized in that area. So, I just continue to lift all of you up. I continue lift up To Be a Blessing and Christie in Kentucky and His Little Cherry. You guys are constantly on my mind. So, God bless you all. Thank you and have a great day. Bye.

Hi Daily Audio family, __ from the UK here. I’d like to pray for my dear close friend Andrea Allison who last year suffered the acrimony of her husband cheating on her. So, consequently they’re separated. She’s been totally __ in un-peacefulness since with her ex being really nasty and manipulative over the children and custody. She’s really confused emotionally, really not sure, she goes from partner to partner. I really pray that these two guys….that she’ll find the Lord and that, with me being in her life to help her, to encourage her, and to be to a support for her, that she’ll get healing and a healing in her spirit, soul, and mind and that she’ll be on the journey and that God will show His love to her in a massive way. And pray for her boys, Warren and Charlie as they go through…see mommy and dad separated and get used to this new life and new beginning. Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate you. God bless all of you. Bye-bye.

Hi Daily Audio Bible this is Rebecca from Michigan, it’s March 5th and I just have to pray for some people. I heard about a man here with bulimic issues and I always thought women had that problem, but I guess men have that problem too. I want to pray for him and I want to pray for the person that can’t walk, that was told that they can’t walk and the person who needs sight. Lord Jesus, I pray for this man that has a bulimic issue. I pray that he can find himself a recovery a course with the 12 steps because I know a lot of people that have eating issues that have been to this group and been delivered. I actually know somebody right now who had over eating issues and she’s been delivered, and I’ve never seen her smile so much in her life, and actually she works in a restaurant. So, I pray for this man to overcome his bulimic issues. And I pray for the lady who was told she could never walk again, and she’s burdened down her eight-year-old mom. I guess she’s got to wheel her around and take her a lot of places, but you know what, I know You have healed the lame and heal the blind and You are able to heal this person and perform very much a lot of miracles, people being healed that were told they could never walk or never see again or whatever. But see God I know You, Your bigger than all these issues, Your bigger than what a doctor may say or a person may say because our hope is in You and it’s not in a man. You do not live but I pray by faith that this person will walk again and be...

Hey Daily Audio Bible family, this is to be a blessing in California. Happy Tuesday, March 5th. I gotta tell ya, it doesn’t stop, the work scenario is deep and wide and thick and high, but our God is bigger than all of that. I’m whining to myself, I’m complaining, I’m __, I’m grumbling. People are on my very last nerve. I mean, really, the situation I’m going through, this is week four and it just seems to kind of be stirring around like quicksand or a whirlpool. But how sweet is God, He reminded me of a 95-year young woman who has been in a convalescent home. She really has no ability to get up and out of bed and Miss Martha is the sweetest thing ever. She has an amazing attitude, just had her 95th birthday and she’s hoping to live to 100. Her family is in different parts of the country. She doesn’t have a lot of visitors and yet God is her dearest friend. That certainly gives me hope and encouragement that while I’m going through whatever it is I’m going through, if someone can be bedridden, love Jesus, and be sweetest can be, so can I. Thank God for role models. Thank God for your prayers. Thank God for the Daily Audio Bible. Have a good evening. Bye-bye.

Hi this is Jonathan from North Carolina calling to pray for Angela from California. Lord, I just want to lift up Angela and these struggles that she’s having with suicidal thoughts and difficulties that she’s experiencing and the darkness that she’s going through. Lord, I just pray that You would help her to sense Your presence that she is feeling battling these thoughts when her daughters not around. Help her to be able to enjoy this season with her daughter, that she is expecting a baby, and as well as to be able to enjoy those times alone Lord, that You would make her feel the sense of Your presence. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

[ourjoyfuldestinations]

St Peter’s Basilica

St Peter’s Basilica in Rome is the world magnificent shrine, visited by thousands of pilgrims and visitors every day. I think one should make visit St Peter’s Basilica as one must see bucket list. Not only it is the most important example of Renaissance architecture and it is also one of the holiest Catholic shrines in the world. If you are not a catholic, just put your faith or no faith aside because this massive church is a breathtakingly beautiful feat of human arts, architecture and engineering. With its prominent position in Vatican City, it dominates the skyline of Rome.  The enormous scale of the structure is almost too much to absorb, it showcase some of the Italy most impressive greatest art works from Bramante, Raphael, Michelangelo and Bernini. In a Church of such grandeur-overwhelming in its detail of gilt, marble, and mosaic- you cannot expect less or subtlety. It meant to be awestruck and overpowering!!

Outside appearance of the building of the St Peter’s Basilica.

Standing at the St Peter’s Piazza designed by Bernini (1656-1667) with the Egyptian Obelisk.

The “Holy Door” only opened by the Pope during Holy year, also known as a Jubilee, meaning every 25 years. The last one was 2000 (but Pope Francis made an exception in 2015). On the first day of jubilee, the Pope strikes the brick wall with a silver hammer and opens it to the pilgrims but for the rest of the years, this door is cemented and sealed.

On the top around the basilica you will see total of 140 statutes of saints, stand upon the colonnades. Each statue is 10 ft tall and they have been standing to guard the cathedral since 1670. I got a closer glimpse of their backs when I climbed up to the dome.

The site of St Peter’s basilica, is a cemetery for one of the Jesus12 apostles, Peter,  was martyred and buried here under the reign of Emperor Nero in 64 AD. Peter is recognized as the first saint and first of succession of popes according to Roman Catholic Church. In 306 AD, Emperor Constantine became the first Christian emperor of Rome. He decided to build St Peter’s basilica on Vatican Hill at the location of St. Peter’s tomb. 

The Construction of the original St Peter’s basilica started in 319 AD and finished in 349 AD. This massive constructions involved moving a million tons of stones, marbles and earth to establish the foundation and build the structure. The old St Peter’s basilica stood over 1000 years then deteriorated beyond repair. In 1506, Pope Julius II commissioned to rebuild the new St Peter’s basilica which we see today.

The new basilica took 120 years to complete and filled with great architects of high Renaissance and Baroque designs. Many great architects involved in this huge project of designing new St Peter’s Basilica. The major players took on this huge project, the first was Bramante in 1506. After Bramante’s death in 1514, Raphael took over as the main architect and when Raphael died in 1520, Michelangelo took his place. After Michelangelo death in 1564, his work was continue by his student, Giacomo della Porta. Later, Carlo Maderno was asked to extend the church and finally the basilica was completed in 1626.

The St. Peter’s Baldachin (canopy) sits directly under the dome in the Basilica, stands this 29-meter high bronze canopy designed by Bernini in 1623 and completed in 1634. Inside the Baldachin housed the pope altar and right underneath the altar, lies St Peter’s tomb.

Monument to Pius VIII, the Pope is kneeling, Christ is enthroned top in the center. St Peter on the left and St Paul on the Right.

The size of these cherub babies are bigger than me! The golden basin holds the holy water which some people will dip their fingers for blessings.

This is the “Pieta” is the masterpiece of Michelangelo housed in St. Peter’s Basilica. This masterpiece shielded by bullet proof glass.

Looking inside of the dome!!

St Peter’s Basilica touts the highest dome in the world and is visible throughout the skyline in Rome. So climbing up to the St Peter’s Cupola to get a splendid view of Rome from up high is sure breathtaking! The stairs up to cupola are tight and narrow, paid 10euros for the elevator half way up then climb remaining 320 steps up is not for the faint of heart, but is well worth your effort when you are on the top of the dome to get these kinds of views.

The gorgeous overview of St Peter’s square and Vatican City! 

The St Peter’s Basilica Dome designed by Michelangelo.

This ultimate symbol of the Vatican, is the most beautiful buildings in Rome, with the a history stretching back 2000 years ago, it is both very fascinating and inspiring. From the moment I stand outside of the church at the Piazza, is enough to make me feel my trip here is worth it. I made two trips to St Peters Basilica during my Italy trip and both times I have moments just couldn’t help myself to gasp at its beauty. I spent some time in prayers at the Chapel of the Blessed Sacrament, just sitting and trying to take everything in.   

[dazzling-ji]

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund? 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed. 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk. 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent. 

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions. 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.

[weannewashere]

Going through unedited drafts on Tumblr is an interesting experience, because you get to remember where you where mentally/emotionally at certain points of your life in the past. I had the chance to do that today, and came across something I wrote a year ago for my end-of-2016 post when I was trying to reflect on how the year made my dreams come true. Anyway, I think the things I wrote are still relevant, so here are excerpts from that draft.

Dear 2016...

You brought me to Malawi. The childhood dream was to be a medical missionary, but working on a diabetes research project for three months in a foreign country was close enough. From traveling down a bumpy road beside two chickens in a packed van, to the challenge of holding focus group discussions in a different language, having afternoon tea on a tea plantation, dancing with a joyful crowd of people throwing money at a newly engaged couple, presenting a health lecture for Hope Channel, swimming in Lake Malawi’s crystal clear waters, seeing an elephant/impala/hippo in the wild, and hiking a mountain in pitch darkness and spending my birthday weekend at its peak, it was an adventure through and through.

You brought me to Loma Linda. The dream was to graduate from LLU, a school I had always looked up to as a child for its standard of whole-person care (also, fun fact, where the first baboon-to-child heart transplant took place), and that was exactly what happened. Loma Linda was the place that really drove home how blessed I was, how God loves me and provides for me. “If it’s God’s will, it’s His bill” was the mantra I lived by, and He proved faithful. I almost ended up dropping the MPH program and going back defeated to the Philippines after my first quarter because of financial issues with my scholarship contract, but in the span of a week a group of kind, generous AUP alumni met and decided to cover the $20,000 I needed. I didn’t have a car to get to places, but the very first friend I made on the very first day of class just happened to live in my neighborhood, and she offered to pick me up and drive me home from class every day (by the end of the year, unbeknownst to me, my classmates had developed a text messaging system to make sure I got to places - “Hey, Weanne woke up late today so she didn’t get to ride with me - can you drop by her house and pick her up?” “WEANNE THE EXAM IS STARTING WHERE ARE YOU DO YOU HAVE A RIDE I CAN COME BACK AND PICK YOU UP.” Ugh, bless their good hearts.) On the first day of winter, I woke up shivering and realized I had not packed any jackets with me from the Philippines (I thought California was a hot searing desert okay), but what do you know, ten minutes later a church member knocked on our door to drop off a jacket she just randomly thought I might need. In the middle of the year, I was starting to lose a lot of weight from skipping out on lunch because I had no time to pack myself a meal from the house, but then a former high school teacher called to give me an unlimited gift card to the school cafeteria on her account.  I stayed in a house where I was 7,000 miles away from home, yet all my needs were being met before I even had a chance to verbalize them, I was cared for and adopted into not just families, but communities. Yup, Loma Linda was responsible for a huge bulk of my character development over the past two years, but it was a development mostly driven by faith that God would have my back wherever I go.

You brought me to Geneva. The dream was to work for the WHO, and somehow that’s what happened - that and so much more. “Go somewhere no one knows my name” used to be just another unattainable bucket list item to me, a little girl from the province, from a community and church where everyone knew everyone. But Geneva was my granted wish - one that gave me the gift of not knowing anyone and realizing how much I needed someone, anyone. The gift of feeling out of place and learning to bend, adjust, go out of my way in order to find my way. The gift of having no one to take care of me for the first time in my life and realizing I can survive… on week-old leftovers and garlic seasoning, that is. It would be cliche for me to say this experience made me stronger, so I would say it made me… resilient. More independent yet more aware of my reliance on other people at the same time.

Also, if Malawi gave me perspective and Loma Linda gave me faith, Geneva gave me courage. Or maybe it was freedom. Whatever it was, being in a place where nobody knew me and the stereotypes and boxes I had always been placed into, I could essentially be anyone I wanted - whether that was the person I already was or the person I want to be. In a way it was sort of daunting - not having a reputation to safely fall back into, but the challenge was empowering. For example, people in Geneva didn’t know I have a reputation for having the worst gross motor skills, so I still got invitations to go biking or wall climbing or salsa dancing - and I thought “you know what, why the heck not.” Such small things like that emboldened me to try newer things and made me realize I didn’t have to limit myself to the image people had of me. And it wasn’t that I was trying to pretend to be someone I was not - it was more of me learning I could be more than who I thought I was.

I wish I had finished writing this draft, but oh well. I guess my 2017 reflection is due soon. Let’s see how that one turns out.

[karlosharrison-blog]

Over the past few decades, Poland has risen to take its rightful place as one of the premier tourist and traveler destinations in Europe. This is no mean feat considering how it was left after the Second World War, and now its vibrant cities and stunning countryside are attracting visitors from far and wide.

Scenic Krakow city.

Poland’s landscape draws many outdoor enthusiasts, while places like Krakow, Gdansk, Wroclaw, and Warsaw are cultural and culinary hubs with a buzzing nightlife scene. The fact that it’s considerably cheaper than its western counterparts only adds to the charm. 

And yet there are so many more destinations to explore here that perhaps don’t get the same attention as those aforementioned cities. One such place is my hometown of Zagan in the southwest of the country – where I was born and raised. It might not be on everyone’s bucket list, but it is most certainly worth a look – not least for its Polish culinary excellence and history, and great Polish Christmas traditions. Read on to discover what you can see, do and – of course –  eat in the region.

Where is Zagan?

My hometown is located in the southwest of Poland on the Bóbr river, some 60 kilometers from the German border and 160 kilometers from Wroclaw. It has a small population of just over 26,000 inhabitants and is the capital of the Zagan administrative district in the historic region of Silesia. Interestingly, it is thought that the name of the town means “place of the burnt forest,” referring to the removal of woodland by the early settlers here.

The town was first mentioned in records dating back to 1202, while the whole Silesia region has seen its fair share of ups and downs through the years, a culturally rich part of the world with corners in the Czech Republic and Germany. With its position on the Bóbr, Zagan was an important trade route, and the area is blessed with many natural resources. But it is perhaps most famous for being the location of Stalag Luft III – the German prisoner of war camp that housed allied airmen during the Second World War.

Colourful townhouses in Zagan

We shall return to this fascinating story momentarily. 

How to Get to Zagan

The nearest major airport to Zagan is located in Wroclaw, but you might also consider flying into Dresden in Germany – which isn’t that much further away at 169 kilometers. Flights depart regularly from most international airports. At the time of writing, trains from Wroclaw run four times a day and it will take you anywhere between two to three hours to arrive. Check the schedules before departing. Buses are possible but they don’t stop in the town center and can be irregular.

I and Cez visiting Zagan by car. We went to explore my neighbourhood together.

The best way to get to Zagan is by car, as having your own mode of transport will afford you the ability to explore the surrounding area and visit the sights with ease. Failing that, don’t forget that Poland is a very hitchhiking friendly country and ridesharing is also extremely popular. Points of interest in the region are often a distance apart, so having your own wheels is highly recommended.

Getting Around

Even if you do have your own vehicle, I would most definitely suggest exploring the town by bicycle. Zagan is a very bike-friendly town given its relatively small layout, and you can rent one from the tourist information office right next door to the Ducal Palace. 

What to See in Zagan

While having its own particular charm, the town itself doesn’t have many sights to speak of – certainly not when compared to Wroclaw or Dresden for that matter. But what it lacks in physical attractions, it more than makes up for in history, food and hospitality. That and its number one tourist draw – Stalag Luft III POW camp and museum.

Stalag Luft III Prisoner Camp Museum

The regions undeniable highlight is, quite rightly, extremely popular. So much so that people flock to the town from all corners of the globe just to see the former POW camp, with many visitors being inspired to come because they had family members or friends imprisoned here. It was constructed in March 1942, and it became an infamous detention center for captured airmen. But it was the daring escape attempt by 200 men in 1944 that really captured the world’s attention, and most notably Hollywood’s, when they released the 1963 film The Great Escape.

Although the Steve McQueen flick is a stone-cold classic, it’s quite different from how events actually unfolded here. The camp today is a faithful reconstruction of what it would have been like for those who were “guests” during the war. 76 airmen managed to break out through the famous “Harry” tunnel – a mock-up of which you can visit. Of those, only three actually made it back behind friendly lines. The rest were either recaptured or executed on Hitler’s orders. The camp is a sombre but fascinating memorial to those brave men and should not be missed during a visit to Zagan.

When in Zagan, you can’t skip visiting Stalag Luft III Prisoner Camp Museum.

The Ducal Palace and Park

Located in the center of the town is the beautiful baroque Ducal Palace, built on the site of Piast Castle in the 15th Century. The palace has an eclectic history, changing hands several times during its existence and at one time being one of the most famous palaces in Europe being visited by a great number of dignitaries. Designed by Italian architect Vincenzo Boccacci, it has been adapted and improved down the years and has a year-round program of events and exhibitions on site.

The pride of Zagan – the Ducal Palace and Park.

It’s set close to the leafy, serene and relaxing Prince’s Park – which is where you’ll find many a local hanging out when the weather is good. Tickets for entry to the palace need to be bought in advance at the tourist information office at the entrance.

The Abbey of St Augustine

With roots back in the 13th Century, this monastery complex is an especially sacred site in Poland and is named as an official national historic monument. It has remained almost intact since it was built, making it a very interesting and noteworthy attraction in our little town. It has this really cool feature called the whispered vault, where the acoustics are just so that even if you speak a whisper, someone will still hear you across space.

When in Zagan, go for a stroll across the city centre. It’s so much to see and do there.

The church itself is very beautiful and the library and museum are well worth a visit. Be advised though – you need to book a sightseeing tour a day in advance if you want to see it, but that means its real advantage is that it’s never overrun with tourists.

11th Armoured Cavalry Division Exhibition

If you haven’t already guessed, Zagan has a long-standing military history, and today it is home to the 11th Armoured Cavalry Division – which traces its roots back to operations in 1945. There is a small museum at the barracks, including a display of tanks and armoured vehicles, uniforms and documents and other interesting exhibits. American tank divisions are also stationed here and are on constant rotation through the town. Located a short drive out of the center, the exhibition is a must for anyone interested in the subject.

What to Eat in Zagan

Ahhhh, now we come to a topic that is very dear to my heart. Polish food! As far and wide as I’ve traveled, I always love to return home for some traditional, hearty and comforting cuisine – usually cooked by my mom! Zagan has some wonderful places to sample Polish delicacies, but we’ll get to that in a moment. First, let’s take a look at just a taste of what you should be ordering here.

Rosół

A delicious yet simple chicken soup that’s famous in these parts, we would usually have it as part of our Sunday dinner. It’s perfect for colder weather or any time you’re not feeling well.

What’s for Sunday dinner in Zagan? Rosol!

Polish chicken soup is simply the best in the world – but I might be a little bit biased.

Bigos

This is a mouthwatering dish made from shredded sauerkraut and cabbage, mixed with mushrooms and diced sausage. It’s the kind of meal where the only downside is that it will have to end at some point.

A plate of delicious bigos is waiting for you!

If this is on the menu (and it will be) you need to give it a try – it is our national dish after all.

Pierogi

Perhaps one of Poland’s most famous dishes internationally, pierogi are thick dumplings that come with a variety of fillings.

A plate of Pierogi (Polish dumplings).

You can take your pick from beef, sauerkraut and mushrooms, cottage cheese and boiled potatoes, or even seasonal fruits, such as strawberries and blueberries. They’re often imitated around the world, but there really is no taste like home.

Łazanki

Another hearty and filling dish (most Polish food is), this is made from homemade pasta, fried cabbage, shredded carrots and onions, and well-done diced pork.

Yummy lazanki – you must try them in Zagan!

Sour cream is often served as an accompaniment and it’s also a popular dish in Belarus and Lithuania.

Polish Croissant Cookies

For those with a sweet tooth and something for dessert, try these puff-pastry cookies. They’re usually filled with jam and they’re really easy to make. Perfect as an after dinner treat – or a treat anytime!

Where to Eat in Zagan

My hometown is teeming with awesome restaurants for you to try all the culinary delights that this region offers. International cuisine is also available if you would prefer, but you really must try the local dishes to get the full experience here.

Domowe Obiady 

This is a great place for cheap eats as it’s more of a takeaway vendor. Still, the food is delicious and very traditional. All the usual dishes are on offer, and you can even buy produce to cook for yourselves at home. The name of the establishment literally translates as “home cooked lunches”. I want to order myself some pierogi right now!

Kepler

If you’re looking for sit-down eats but still want to sample traditional Polish cuisine, head to Kepler – which is actually the number one rated restaurant in the town. Conveniently located in the heart of Zagan, this place serves a full menu of Polish classics, as well as delicious apple pie and ice cream (jabłecznik z lodami) which – although available the world over – is also a Polish speciality. The waiting staff speak very good English here, too.

Antonio Pizza

If you’re going to eat Italian while you’re here, you might as well head to Antonio’s Pizza.

Pizza time!

There are a lot of pizzerias in Zagan – Polish people love making and eating the Italian dish just as well, but they can often be hit and miss. This one is probably the best in the town.

Bar U-Waga Smak

Don’t be confused with the exterior of this place – it’s not actually a “bar” as you might know it. U-Waga Smak is one of the famous Polish “milk bars,” where many Poles will go to dine on hearty, traditional food that doesn’t cost the earth. Set in a cafeteria style, you’ll be rubbing shoulders with the locals – which can be an entertainment in itself. A milk bar is a must visit when you’re exploring Poland – it’s an institution.

Take Me Home Country Roads!  

My old stomping ground of Zagan is a very special place for me as it holds a lot of cherished memories. I always love returning to visit after great lengths of time trotting the globe. There is nothing quite like visiting mom for some home cooked Polish treats, and although the town doesn’t have the tourist draw of other cities in the country, it has a certain charm that I would still recommend experiencing. There is, after all, no place like home.

Would you pay Zagan a short or a long visit? And what would be your favorite thing to do there?

The post Things to do in Zagan, Poland appeared first on Etramping Travel Blog.

[lilac-milk-moon]

What are personal core values?

Identifying your personal core values is critical

What value does identifying your personal core values offer? Let me start by asking a different question — do any of the below thoughts sound familiar to you?

I just can’t make myself feel motivated to save for retirement.

How do prioritize my hobbies, time with my family, and my career? They’re all important to me.

I’m overcommitted with too many social and volunteering obligations. But I don’t know what I can say “no” to because they’re all good things!

Why would I ever I quit my job? I could always work at my job just a little longer. The transition might be hard. If I keep working, I can always keep saving more and more.

I never seem to meet the goals I set for myself.

If you find yourself having thoughts like these, identifying your personal core values may help bring clarity to your life.

An article from Psychology Today explains that identifying your core values offers nine benefits:

Reducing your stress

Boosting decision-making skills

Inspiring better habits

Revving up your willpower

Helping you act more assertively

Helping you communicate with more compassion

Making wiser career choices

Bolstering your confidence

Increasing relationship intimacy

Why are personal core values important?

Identifying your “why”, or your personal core values, helps inform how you build the rest of your life.

Greg McKeown, in his book Essentialism, says “If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.”

In the past, I have often been victim to this. It’s so tempting to say yes when asked to join an organization or go to an event. It can be hard to feel like you’re disappointing the person who invited you if you decline.

But if you’re not intentional, you’ll realize that your life doesn’t reflect your own priorities! Your time is limited, so you need to learn to say no to spending time on things that are just “fine,” or even “good,” if they’re not absolutely essential to your goals and values.

As McKeown writes, “If it isn’t a clear yes, it’s a clear no.”

Personal values vs company values

Companies, schools, and other organizations frequently have core values, too. I don’t think it’s helpful to view personal core values the same way, though.

Examples of company core values

Company core values are meant to unify a group of people towards a common cause.  These core values tend to be very general and morality-based.

These tend to be nouns or adjectives.

Here are examples of a few popular ones:

Accepting

Caring

Hard-working

High integrity

Honest

Hospitable

Innovative

Kind

Professional

Responsibility

Thoughtful

Quality

Broad-sounding values like these may be appropriate for companies or organizations, but they’re too vague to be meaningful in your personal context.

I’ve found it more helpful to identify personal values that are specific and actionable.

Accidental values

An article from Harvard Business Review explains the difference between aspirational values, permission-to-play values, and accidental values. They discuss these topics in a the context of company values, but I think they’re meaningful in a personal context too.

Aspirational values are those that you currently lack but need to succeed. You want to gain these.

Permission-to-lay values are the minimum values required of any employee.

Accidental values arise spontaneously without being cultivated by leadership and take hold over time.

Be careful not to let accidental values be the guiding principles in your personal life.

Examples of personal core values

A helpful tool to force your thinking into a long-term perspective is to ask “How do I want to be remembered after I die?”

Think of personal core values as the big themes throughout your life.

I recommend formatting your personal core values as verbs — things you can tangibly do.

Here are examples of possible personal core values:

Build something valuable

Create something beautiful

Experience something meaningful

Give to a cause

Go somewhere significant

Lead a group

Love a person or people

Pursue a passion

Serve an organization

Teach children or adults

I made those pretty vague, but I encourage you to explain your own very specifically.

Try to think of the 3-5 personal core values that matter most to you.

I encourage you to literally write them down.

My personal core values are:

Love my wife and our family well.

Serve people in our church and community.

Make our travel goals a priority.

Teach young adults. 

Those are topics I think about a lot, so in a sense, choosing them as my personal core values was easy. But, as I was deciding, I noticed that having a high-profile career with lots of accolades, for example, did not make the cut. Occasionally I’m tempted to want such a career, but in the long-term it’s not what is most important to me.

Ultimately, identifying your personal core values is not a practice of saying yes to a few things, but of saying no to the non-essential elements of your life so that you can invest your time in what’s most important.

The exercise of actually writing down your values can help you identify what’s truly most essential in your life. 

Personal core values can lead you to specific goals

Next, think of goals as the specific things you want to do to fulfill your personal core values.

Re-evaluate your goals and consider setting new ones.

Pursuing goals that reflect your personal core values will bring clarity and meaning to your life. Goals that are relevant to your core values will help you take forward steps towards those values.

For example, here are goals I have that correspond to my values:

Value: Love my wife and our family well.

Goal: Make time for my wife every day. Understand her values, goals, and needs and invest in them.

Goal: Be present and active in our future children’s lives. Help equip them for the future.

Value: Serve people in our church and community.

Goal: Serve in our church when possible.

Goal: Pursue adoption in our 30s.

Value: Make our travel goals a priority.

Goal: Go to California this year. Go to Europe in 2020.

Goal: Visit all 50 states in my lifetime.

Value: Teach young adults.

Goal: Facilitate discussion and practical knowledge in the Semi-Retire Plan community.

Goal: Semi-retire to a teaching career at a local college.

Beyond your goals and values, you can also write down your financial bucket list to keep yourself accountable.

Forward vs backward steps 

Whenever you consider spending time on an activity, ask yourself if it helps you achieve your goals (and therefore if it helps fulfill your personal core values).

For example, I have political opinions and I think following politics is interesting. But if someone invites me to join a local political action club, I am going to say no! This club may be a good thing, but it does not relate to my goals or core values, and therefore it is not the right way to spend my time. It is not essential.

You have limited time, so anywhere you choose to invest your time necessarily has a trade-off.

Time you spend pursuing anything non-essential is taking time away from an activity you value more.

Semi-retirement

This set of tools is practical for semi-retirement too.

If your full-time job strongly aligns with your goals and values, you might actually prefer to not semi-retire. And if that’s the case, great!

For the rest of us, once we have our plan in place and enough savings to leave our full-time work, it may be tempting to delay. We may think, “Why not stay at my job a little longer and save more?”

If your full-time job is helping you achieve your goals and values, then it can be considered essential. Once you have enough savings in place to semi-retire to meaningful part-time work, though, that crappy office job becomes a clear no!

Are you finding it hard to decide how much of your current income to spend versus save? Consider if spending it would help you move towards your goals or values. Consider if saving more would help you move towards your goals and values.

For example, travel is important to my wife and me, so I refuse to feel guilty for spending a moderate amount of money on it each year.

Having a new or impressive car would be fun, but it’s not essential for me. So, I drive an 8 year old paid-for Camry and I plan to keep driving it for several more years. Spending more money on a nicer car is a clear no for me right now.

What changes do you find are needed in your life once you identify your personal core values? What are some seemingly good things in your life that you are now prepared to say no to?

The post What are personal core values? appeared first on Semi-Retire Plan.

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[sundaymomma-ing]

Sometime ago I began this article about why we stretch so far financially. Families seem to feel compelled to have and do and provide all of the things. I had to set the writing aside because I got sick, again. When a few of my children then got sick, I basically abandoned that post. Honestly there are many more bloggers out there who are much better equipped to tell us that we don’t need to spend money on all of the things. When I went back to look over my outline of thoughts I noticed that the ramblings about spreading ourselves financially thin actually spoke to me about how I budget myself. My time, my kindness, my patience, my “yeses”… you know, the bucket from which I pour out.

I get sick a lot. I have this chronic issue that I can’t figure out on my own and that I have yet (after a couple of years struggling) chosen to go see a doctor for. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible. I am not confined to bed for weeks at a time or in serious pain for hours on end. Just consistently, month after month the same issues reappear. Annoyingly. Frustratingly. Obnoxiously. I’ve dealt with it in many different ways and though it brings it’s own bit of difficulty to our household, I really shouldn’t complain, but sometimes I still do. I have known for a long time that a person can’t give more of themselves than they’ve been given. You have to invest time and energy into yourself when you are a constant care-giver or you will run out of care to give. I’ve begun to do this more and more, realizing that when I try to shake every last drop of energy I have out onto my family, things don’t really go so well for me.

This emotional budget of mine; this amount of self given out verses the amount of self-fulfilling coming in is almost as difficult for me as keeping my checkbook balanced. Maybe even more so. We’ve basically figured out how to live within our financial means without creating much debt to muddle through, but I continually get to a point of frustration with how I manage the allotment of myself. It seems that I am always running on empty and I wonder how much of this is connected to being sick so often. If I had a better quality of self-care would I physically feel better?                                   Sometimes when you write something down it becomes painfully obvious.

The question then becomes; how do I change the way I mother to allow for proper personal time when I am so accustomed to the cycle I have now? See, what I do now is provide constant care to my littles, grabbing a quiet ride home once a week or so until I am so frustrated that I could scream. Then my sweet husband sends me out to find peace at the library or coffee shop for a few hours. This has kept my overall sanity in check, but I am wondering, if I could get ahead of the screaming, could I keep myself healthier? This has been gnawing at me for awhile now and stealing the mornings was my first attempt at listening more carefully to my body. I think I will have to set up appointments with myself, opportunities to get out before the desire to drive cross-country sets in.

Am I the only one this is difficult for? I’m thinking not, you likely have your own ill-used methods of caring for yourself. This morning I’m suggesting a small shift in how you utilize that method. If you’re like me at all you frequently get to the point where you are mentally exhausted, you feel that one more “MOM!!” shouted from a bedroom will send you to the brink of insanity. If you have tinys who aren’t yet sleeping through the night your physical exhaustion may be the thing that does you in. If you sit through church services managing the needs of your kids instead of letting the message sink into your very soul then you are likely spiritually exhausted as well. Viewed individually, all of these things seem small. When you add them together week upon week can you see how you’re going to end up feeling?

The shift is just in remembering that you will feel exhausted or burnt-out at some point, and taking the time today, before the crazy you shows up. You know you’ll be overwhelmed by your mothering gig in a couple of days, so why not ask for the time now? I know it’s hard. I know looking at your sweet husband and telling him that you need a break before you lose your mind is difficult. But I propose it is ultimately better! A friend told me recently that she read about doing three small acts of self-care each day. I’ll admit this sounded overwhelming to me. Three things each day that were just for me? I immediately thought that either the small things would feel like one more thing to check off of my list or that I couldn’t do big enough things to make a difference every day. In the interest of my own self-care I am hoping to try this out. I can not continue to be sick, something has to give….

So I just typed all of that and I’d like to walk away from it. These thoughts and plans will handle my mental well-being, yet I am realistic in my optimism. My physical health though, that’s where I am seeking healing this day. Will this preemptive resting, this seeking out of peace in advance of illness assist me in not succumbing? I’ve wondered quite long enough. And so I will walk away now, and take a chance or two…

Over the past five weeks I have made some changes in how I care for myself. There have been many frustrations along the way, the assumed bronchial infection that I’ve been living with has fought hard against my measures to break it down and expel it from my life. Taking up residence in strange places and providing an interesting look at how a body works when we let it. I am hopeful that I am near the end of the residual side effects. I am feeling closer to well than I have in a very long time, and I am grateful. I still do not take enough time to care for myself, looking at a day and seeing all of the reasons why I should not seek quiet instead of looking inside my soul and seeing the one reason that I should. I have allowed myself to trust that the process is working and that is a big step for me.

As I look back over the past five weeks I wonder over how my body works, over the strengths of both habit and bacteria. More time is needed, forgiveness too, of myself in the amount of time I am taking to get back to good. I have been living unwell for a few years now, I suppose healing will not come in only a few weeks. I can take the time, walking slower than I thought I’d need to, leaning into my own heart and not allowing the rush of the world to make me feel that I am healing too slowly. That is a good lesson to be reminded of. Peace, and wellness, comes in trust not through fear, or hurry, or anxiousness. I know that all of those will build up inside of me in the same way and they will not bring about good.

I wonder more. I read more. I give myself up to the tiredness and I sleep. I try to do these things free from guilt, because I know that won’t help. I am making a plan to wander more and the inevitable garden sketches of deepest winter are making their way onto paper. I don’t manage three things for myself each day, I don’t know that I will reach that goal while my children are small. I have begun allowing myself a few minutes of quiet after lunch though and just yesterday I lay down on the living room rug as the winter sunshine poured through the windows, yes my tiny promptly plopped down on top of me and within minutes my other two were sprawled next to me. I quickly reminded myself that they can’t steal the sunshine from me. That’s a good lesson too.

If you need peace for your mental or physical health I’d love to chat about what you’re doing or let you in on what works best for me. If you need prayer to find that peace I’d be blessed to come alongside you. From the deepest part of me I know how sicknesses can build, one on top of the other. Exhaustion, lack of self-care, continually putting the needs of others before your own…in mothering we do all of these things and there is no end in sight. There are too many words written here to begin how a more and stronger community of women would benefit each of us. It will come soon, the community piece is a large part of why and how I am choosing to seek wellness. For this day, I will sit with my coffee for a few extra minutes, waiting for the late-rising sun, trusting that even if I am still unwell- doing good for myself is not wasted energy.

  Sick and Well Sometime ago I began this article about why we stretch so far financially. Families seem to feel compelled to have and do and provide all of the things.

[enzaime-blog]

"We have good news and bad news."a Breast Cancer Survival Story

New Story has been published on http://enzaime.com/good-news-bad-news-breast-cancer-survival-story/

"We have good news and bad news."a Breast Cancer Survival Story

I knew something was wrong when my doctor came in and noticed my haircut. She was thrilled with the cut, but seemed uncomfortable gushing. She wanted to set a tone for the meeting and my smiling face and desire to be young, happy, and looking forward to a new year was something she was about to crush.

“We have good news and bad news.”

My stomach sank, not to my toes, but all the way down the nine floors into the hospital lobby. Mamma grabbed my hand and clutched so hard it hurt, but I didn’t dare pull away.

My latest scans showed that the tumors in my liver were stable. Not shrinking, but we were given the gift of stable. That was the good news.

The bad news was two-fold. The scans picked up on a new tumor: a dark spot in a lymph node in my abdomen, behind my liver, next to the celiac artery. Also, my tumor markers had increased markedly. Tumor markers, for my readers in the non-cancer world, are substances that cancer cells produce that can be measured in a blood test. When there is an increase in these substances in my blood, it is an indication of increased cancer cells in my body.

This new tumor and my tumor marker levels meant that I had stopped responding to the TDM1. I was removed from the clinical trial. I can no longer receive my precious silver bullet. Somewhere in the distance as I stared blankly out the 9th floor window, I heard a heavy door slamming shut. I could see my “case” being added to the clinical trial outcomes. My seven months before “disease progression,” dragging down the drug’s success. My performance dragging down every other patients’ average.

I pictured somewhere, perhaps in another room in this very hospital, another metastatic patient was hugging her husband with joy, not fear, as she learned that there is a newly open spot on the TDM1 clinical trial. I probably know this patient. A dark part of me was struggling with my burning jealousy.

My doctor paused to let this news sink in before weighing in with her opinion.

“Bridget, we are disappointed. We are very disappointed. I know everyone in this room hoped that you would be on TDM1 longer, but you have to realize that, from a clinical perspective, this trial was a success. You are in a better place vis a vis your liver now than you were in May. Your liver lesions shrunk 22%. This is a success, and tumors in your lymph nodes, while hearing that is certainly scary, those are not vital organs. Better the lymph node than the liver or another vital organ. We are disappointed, but I am not worried about you. OK?”

I know my doctor is right. I find comfort in her words, and I relish her confidence. My doctor has confidence in me and in my chances.

But I also struggle with other facts. With every drug that is taken away, with every drug removed from my “arsenal,” I get closer to running out. I am scared. I am angry at myself for not doing better. Was it something I ate? Too much red meat? Too much red wine? Too much stress? Late nights? Not enough exercise?

Over the past few days, as I have digested this news, I have felt like a spurned lover. I am recovering from a horrible break up. I thought TDM1 was “The One.” I had visions of babies and suburban homes and years of happiness. When I was sent home on Wednesday without my scheduled infusion, I cried. I felt hit in the gut. I felt like a woman feels when she stares desperately at the phone and begs it to ring. When she picks up to make sure there’s a dial tone. When she calls and hangs up without leaving a message and then yells at herself. Why can’t I have him? I miss him! He was perfect! It all seemed to be going so well! What happened?

Just like with a bad breakup I have to learn, “It’s not you, it’s me.” There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. My cancer simply figured out TDM1’s weakness too quickly. It found a detour to continue along its path of destruction. My cancer has some sort of as-yet undiscovered personality trait that makes TDM1 less than ideal.

And, just like my single girlfriends everywhere, I have to take a deep breath and say, “On to the next!”

Although I’ve been on 11 different drugs since 2005, and that might not seem “early” in the cancer journey, my doctor assures me I was actually able to grab a spot on this TDM1 clinical trial a little “earlier” than the other patients. Unlike many members of the trial who had exhausted all other standard therapies, I still have, according to Doc, many standard therapies still available to try. So now, we will try a standard therapy first approved by the FDA in 2007, the targeted therapy Tykerb with the chemotherapy Xeloda.

In 2007, a clinical trial found that Tykerb plus Xeloda given to HER2+ metastatic patients who had progressed on other treatment regimens, gave patients 27 weeks without disease progression versus 18 weeks for Xeloda alone. While 8 months without another progression is certainly not a cure, some patients on Xeloda and Tykerb did see their cancers disappear and have been on the drug for several years. The 8 months is an average. We are entering an age of individualized treatment for breast cancer, my treatment over the last six years has certainly been individualized, and I am hoping to be one of those ‘no evidence of disease’ recipients of this drug cocktail. I am hoping that this combo will be “The One” for me.

My new drug regimen is all pills. I no longer have to visit the infusion room, which is fantastic, but also feels a little funny. I’ve gone to infusion every three weeks for the past six years. I feel like my nurses should have some sort of going away party. I know every receptionist, nurse, and clinical assistant. I know their kids’ names. I know their upcoming wedding dates. Infusion was a social occasion for me, and those nurses answered a lot of my questions and laid to rest a lot of my concerns. They brought me warm blankets and sandwiches and drinks. They took care of me. They were caregivers. Missing infusion also feels a little like a break up. I know that this could be a great thing; it will just take some getting used to.

Instead of monthly infusions, I will be taking 11 pills every day. Talk about picking your poison! I’ve already started taking the Tykerb and I’m feeling….funny. I have problems with nausea and I just don’t feel quite right, but I figure I can handle funny. We shall see what the Xeloda brings.

How am I doing? I am still digesting this news. I am torn. I have dual personalities here. I feel yet again like I am trying desperately to hold onto my life, grasping at straws, and I am concerned about the continued bad news we’ve been receiving over the past two years, but cancer can wreak havoc on my body, but it cannot take my soul.

If I’ve learned nothing in this cancer journey, I’ve learned that every cancer has a personality. My cancer has multiple personalities: when it dies, it dies quickly, but when it grows, it grows just as fast. This beast struck fear in my heart this week. In just nine weeks the news turned from “shrinking, shrinking, shrinking!” to growing. For cancer to turn on a dime, for a whole new tumor to appear in nine weeks…. This beast doesn’t just die and stay dead. It has got a hold on my body and it will not go quietly into that dark night.

We have more dancing in the kitchen to do! Regardless of cancer’s intentions, I am adamant that I will continue to live the life I have made for myself. I will witness my best friend walking down the aisle. I will visit the beach with Mamma and Company this summer. I will write a book. Big Man and I are season ticket holders to our local theater and I am seeing every single show and having a pre-theater dinner to boot, even if I do feel a little ‘funny.�� Big Man and I want to take a trip to Wimbledon some summer soon, he’s a tennis player whose never been to London, one of my favorite cities in the world that I can’t wait to share with the man I love.

Let me be clear, though. We do not have a bucket list! I don’t like the phrase bucket list. I might be aware and prepared for death, but I am certainly not racing toward the finish line while checking things off. Instead, I see the plans I’ve made as physical evidence of my fight. The battlefield is at the tissue level down in my belly, but I find symbolism from my actions every day.

As I’m swallowing the last five pills of my day, I smile with the realization that this is a physical act. “Take That!” I smile picturing the cancer cells running for the hills as the pill slowly dissolves. Like roaches scattering when you turn on a light. In the same way, if I were to get on a plane for London tomorrow, I would look out the window and say, “Not today, Cancer. Today, I am living!” After getting home from a fantastic party or double date, I think to myself as I kiss Big Man goodnight, “I am alive today.”

I feel like, when the end comes, I’ll know it. I have seen my grandmothers grow old. Dying from cancer is not like falling over from a heart attack or getting hit by a bus. It is a slow progression like the progression of old age. You slow down. Your plans get a little smaller and closer to home.

Hiking in the White Mountains this summer, crossing the finish line of the 3-Day this fall, planning babies and houses with Big Man at Christmas, yoga classes, dramatic hair cuts, I have very broad and ever broadening horizons. I have big plans.

This cancer might scare me, but I am going to stand my ground.

The Big Man and I went to church together today and left at peace with this news. At peace, but still clinging to one another. We can’t seem to hold each other close enough, even while in church. Brushing elbows turns into me slipping my arm through his elbow and Big Man pulling me close. Brushing fingers turns into hand holding. One hand turns to both hands intertwined.

I laid my head on Big Man’s shoulder today as Father John talked about the Feast of the Baptism of Our Lord. Father John argued that, while the babies who are welcomed into our church every weekend will certainly not remember their baptism, baptism is the most important sacrament. Symbolically, it is during baptism when God enters our world and makes His mark on our souls. We are His adopted children. He does not give us our eye or hair color, but He has given us all of our best qualities.

God gave me the Big Man My strength and fortitude, my gift of gab. Big Man’s ability to make me laugh when I feel instead like crying, Big Man’s kind eyes and even kinder heart. Those are the gifts we symbolically received at our baptisms. Those very qualities that get us through cancer and help us to actually grow with it. We don’t remember baptism, but our souls remember.

God didn’t give me cancer, but He gave me the tools I need to beat it and to carry on.

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Two and Thirty-Three

**Friday**

Me not want wake up. Me want to sleep more. The pups were doing so great most of the last week. Last few nights they keep waking me up. Mom and Tanna are back in about a week.

I spaced and didn’t eat anything for breakfast. Don’t want to over ear because of it.

Had a Bubba Burrito from Laughing Planet Cafe. It was HUGE!!! And filled me up until 10:30 or so...I think I did a good job not over eating. I think it filled me up pretty well and kept me going for awhile without over eating.

The day kept moving slowly. I felt like I was going to fall asleep the whole time. It was awful. I can’t wait for tomorrow. Kickboxing and Kayaking! I am going to but a sweatshirt to wear tomorrow. Lets see how that works!

It was crazy busy at work. I ended up not recovering that much money wise because I had so many inspections from other days and was trying to get the bigger ones in. But I feel like I inspected a ton.

**Saturday**

I woke up maybe 45 minutes before I needed to leave. I had to drag myself out of bed. It was awful. I was moving half asleep today and I think it might have slightly showed in my workout. I felt like I was dying in the warm up. So many burpees!!! I was actually able to do a couple without modifying by putting one leg out at a time. I was a nice feeling.

I bought a hoodie. It is so soft inside and warm. It’s red. Not normal me style but it goes with my trying to be more unhidden lol if that makes any sense. After Class I headed to the store Fishers Landing Fred Meyer had my milk in stock! I ended up buying two of them. Once I run out of one I’ll start looking for another. See how long it takes for my stomach to decide it hates this milk also.

I got home around 12:30ish. Hopped in the shower and got ready for Jessie to come pick me up for Kayaking! I had bought a pair of sandals to wear for kayaking. They were awful. I need more than those shoes provided.

We were on the road by like 1:10ish or so. We found our way to the Kayaking place and eventually headed out. It was so much fun. I can’t wait to go again. Getting in the Kayak was not so much fun. But instead of stepping into it she had me sit down and scoot into the Kayak. It was tough to steer at first. Odd. Like learning to drive or something. Its opposites. So maybe learning to drive backwards? lol which now that I think about it...makes perfect sense why reversing was so much easier. You rowed left to turn left and rowed right to turn right. haha I can’t believe it took me this long to figure that out.

We went to Rock Bottom for dinner. It was pretty good. We talked a lot. Well I feel like I talked a lot. Mainly about work.

Headed home. Sorted my laundry and some how ended up laying on top of my laundry. I don’t even know how that happened. Did two loads of laundry and made a couple lists for the church did the bulletin and Now I am getting ready for bed.

I have a list...that will grow as I think of things I want to try. It is my Fitness Bucket List. lol some are things I have been wanting to do for a long time and some are finally done.

Kickboxing

Kayaking

Archery

Rock Climbing

Bouldering

Snowboarding

Hiking

We will see how many I complete by the new year. I am hoping come next month...preferably early next month...I go hiking for the first time. We will see. I am going to leave it at that and go to bed. Until Tomorrow!

Good Night World!

[yelir-atsirk]

1.Name Krista 2. Age 23 3. City that you live in Kansas City 4. What do most people not know about you? I have terrible stage fright 5. What do most people know you for? I hope people know me for my kindness, my sillyness and genuine nature. 6. Hobbies I love to sing and paint. 7. What are your passions? People, Love, Joy, Travel, God, Family and Service in pursuit of those things. 8. What do you search for in a significant other? Intellect, kindness, a humble nature, generous, goofy and gentle. Deep, soft, eyes and a hearty smile. 7. What are you most proud of? My ability to stick to my guns and do the right thing when it really matters. 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love? My mother and I often have those. Outside of that, it has been quite some time that I've had a real milestone conversation with a love of mine own. 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it? Not really? Coffee mugs are abundant, I keep little memorabilia from all over and can never seem to quit collecting pens. 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list. Visit Ireland Cross country road trip Ride in a Hot Air Balloon Cooking Class Take Piano Lessons Preform Live on stage Death Cab for Cutie live Grand Canyon Graduate College Attend a Murder Mystery Party 11. What was the last thing you learned? My Mom was teaching me how to make an omelet. 12. How many relationships have you been in? I count 3 legitimate one. 13. Turn ons Make me laugh, play with my hair and shut my mind up. Good kissers, strong arms, steady hands. 14. Turn offs Bad breath, insecurity, tough lips and try hards. It's meant to be fun, don't take it all too seriously. 15. Favorite food Pizza, melty cheese. 16. Favorite drink I love dr.pepper, sweet tea, blue moon and ice cold water. 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received? Chicago Trip was pretty awesome, Gambino trip was equally awesome. 18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic? Optimistic, no doubt. 19. Do you sleep during class? Not intentionally. 20. What is the most expensive thing you own? Do student loans count? 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own? Key rings and Carribeaners 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone? Yikes, lots. 23. Text or call? I love phone calls. 24. Opinion on long distance? It just doesn't work long term, plain and simple. It's like having half of a relationship. 25. What is your definition of success? Happiness. A balanced life. Simplicity. 26. Favorite song? Impossible to say. 27. Favorite artist? Death cab for Cutie, Alt-J, Mayday Parade and Kelsey Wild. 28. Celebrity crush/crushes? Ben McKenzie, Kit Harrington, Chris Evans and I lady crush on pretty much all of the Emmas. 29. When was the last time you read for fun? Last summer, working on that now. 30. Favorite flower? I love Gerbera Daisies, Sunflowers and Dahlias. 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now? Time off and some far away destination to travel to or someone to kiss on the regular. 32. Any guilty pleasures? Plenty. 33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself? Two words, Lazy Heart. 34. What do you search for in a friend? Real, honest, down to earth, supportive, silly and slightly crazy. Must not envy, manipulate or play stupid. 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month? Oh lots, I'm sure. To a significant other? Zilch. 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home? Walgreens. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people? Not all bad things are bad. There's a lesson to learn in all that we experience. 38. In your opinion, what hurts more: Being left out or being stabbed in the eye? Eye stabs, like no fucking question. 39. How many green shirts do you own? Roughly 4. Not my color. 40. Do you like anime? Nope. 41. What do you invest the most time in? Work. TV. Sleep. Family and Friends. In that order. 42. What was the name of the last book you read? "The Testing" 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone? Loving someone implies a vulnerability, wether voluntary and mutual or not. 44. Where are you most productive? Where ever I feel most inspired. 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends. Drinking. Eating. Talking. 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone. Painting. Planning. Listening. 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist? I don't. Humanity is far too fragile and fallible. 48. Do you have any allergies? I think not, but I will knock on wood anyway. 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone? Tonight's playoff game. 50. What was the last promise you made? I'm sure I promised a table I'd make something happen for them. 51. What was your last dream about? TEETH FALLING OUT. 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be? My Mom, Riley, Brooke, Kristin and Gabby. 53. How many countries have you visited? One. 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.) Music without a doubt. 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you? I got a hair compliment today. 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself? By my hair. 57. Do you consider yourself mature? I do, but perhaps that's naive and immature of me. 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr? Meh, a week possibly. 59. What is your favorite quote? "Our limited understanding of the truth has no bearing on whether or not the truth exists." 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be? I won't. 61. What is your greatest accomplishment? I've yet to feel as though I've had one of those. 62. Do you believe in the death penalty? I do not. 63. What are your goals for life? Live a life that follows God. Have a family, see the world, spread love and joy and know it deeply myself. 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now? Sleeping. 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world. Somewhere sunny and green. 66. What were you like in 2013? I was 20, broke, and having a boatload of fun being both. 67. Do you have a job? Always. 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend. She's still my best friend, and will always be. 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be? It's hostility towards its own ignorance. The numb nature of education and the aggressive stifling of creativity and critical thinking. 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before? Plenty. I'm a bit messed up. 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website? It's all about that buzzfeed life. 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars? Play a series of mini games and answer trivia questions on live Tv. 73. Does money equal happiness? In the right hands. 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime? Oh plenty, but it's always fleeting and reserved simply for that moment only. 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime? Lots more. I feel a constant state of grief for time and youth and change. 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told? Your mom. 77. When was the last time you looked at the news? Facebook counts, right? 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say? You are only temporary, but you are breathtaking. 79. What is your favorite animal? I love sea turtles, whales, humming birds and elephants. 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it? Like lie still and be buried dead or disappear for 3 years dead? The first I could not, and the second would be so hard to do without friends or family let alone to them. 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at? Self discipline, accountability, consistency and honesty. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? 3am average bed time, 8-9 hours average length. 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity? Fuck no. 84. What is your favorite clothing store? Rue 21, Target and Gordmans. 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves? Gloves. I got a weird shaped head. 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail? Wings, duh. 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it? All life has value, doesn't it? 88. What do you fear the most? Failure. Never taking any risks because of my fear of failure. 89. How many digits of pi can you recite? 3.14. 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be? 21-22 was a damn good year. 91. Describe yourself in one word. Real. 92. Describe your last victory. Scheduled close all weekend, didn't close once. 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen? I'm sure it was something I've found in the fridge. My family is bat shit insane. 94. What is something you will never forget? Apartment 508. 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail? Vivid detail. 96. Have you ever broken a bone before? Knock on wood, no. 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody? Hate, by far. 98. Coffee or tea? Coffee. 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way? Positivity, church, planning, self care. 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today? Just the time to take this.