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momo-de-avis · 5 years

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So I read your big personal post and I'm furious. It makes me see red that adults can watch children be treated like ants and feel ok to ignore it. I wanna say I'm truly sorry that you had to go through all of that, and I hope you can grow free-er and free-er from it in the future 💕 A question, though: how can you still keep in touch with them? I'm trying my hardest to leave home and run away from these demons or else I'll never be happy, how and why do you do it? If you wanna answer, of course

Thank anon, your words mean a lot to me and rest assured I may not have the strength every single day to do it, but at least I’m conscious about my effort and just... keep going the best I can. And I do believe one day I’ll manage to look back and say ‘boy, did I grow up’. There are days when I do already and it feels revigorating, to say the least.

And I don’t mind at all answering. I share these things about my life because where I stand I have at least learned a few things (I do have my therapist to thank for that) and by sharing that it might help others.

There’s a lesson I learned with her that became super important in balancing out who I am and who I am with my family. It has to do with that feeling of guilt that comes with the whole experience. Because one thing I did hear a lot was how ungrateful I was, a kid who didn’t care about her family, who wasn’t there for them, etc etc. And because my experience as a kid within the foundation of family can be translated with ‘left to my own, trying to find my own way of surviving and growing’ what that resulted in was forcing me to try and change others.

Which is a lost battle. And that’s what I had to learn the hard way.

To quote my therapist: it’s a dangerous thing to believe you can change others, but it’s important to learn that you can change the environment around you by changing your attitude.

A few weeks back, I was talking about Christmas with her, because she knows Christmas is that time of the year when crippling depression strikes like a goddamn lover, although it’s been getting better with every year. Mostly because ever since I started spending Christmas with my bf’s family (who are the prime example of just... how a family should be, so much it fucking threw me off my balance the first time I met them like---holy shit this is a real fucking family), I finally got the perspective of the two opposites. And I was telling my therapist that there was one thing I learned, given my current situation, that made christmas with my family a lot more bearable.

I can just... leave. Like, if they piss me off, I can just get up and say goodnight and off I go. This isn’t something most people can do, because they’re not given that liberty. But what was new here was that I actually allowed myself to say and believe that. Because my whole life I was dragged back and forth between family shit where I guilt-tripped into taking part of these celebrations and it ruined the experience for me, and it forced me to withstand all of it against my will. So to tell myself ‘you don’t have to put up with this shit, actually, you can just leave’ was a turning point for me.

And this came out of a VERY long process of accepting who those people are. I remember the appointment I had right after Christmas, I told her: I remember sitting at the table with my family and thinking: wow.. I genuinely don’t like these people. I don’t see myself in them at all, and they have nothing to do with me, and I want nothing but distance and the bare minimum of contact. I just don’t fit in.

To learn about who you are in this scenario, you have to learn about who the people around you are. You have to accept that trying to change them will only lead you to more frustration. The best you can do is learn to adapt enough that it doesn’t corrupt you but it doesn’t expose you to danger (it’s basically why there’s an encouragement to let LGBTQ people remain closeted if they choose to out of self-perseverance, even if they have already come out to their friends---because you act a different way with your family, and sometimes that means survival). Now, granted, that’s a hell of a learning process---at best, a trial and error kind. But it’s one of the ways to preserve yourself.

I really had to accept that these people, the way they are, is more than something that is susceptible to change. There’s a whole ritual to the way they exist. My mom is stuck in the past, and she projects that onto both of us---she treats my brother like he’s still a 14 year old in private school, and me like I’m still a teenager, to the point where she refuses to memorize the things that changed about us past that age, like how she doesn’t understand how I don’t like that band I used to listen to at 15. My brother comes up with fucked up rituals that were never there, but exist to paint a picture of ‘how-it-should-be’, of good manners and eloquence, to the point where he literally comes up with memories that never existed (he still believes that we used to eat Fatias Douradas on Christmas, when the entire family has reiterated that my grandmother never even cooked them---and that's is why every single Christmas he buys them, only to throw them in the garbage because no one ate them). That puts me in the position of the old portuguese saying: in the land of the blind, the one who sees is a king. And the moment it snapped in my mind that these people were living a fantasy to cover up for the atrocities they committed against each other, for the fucked up things they’re stuffing in the back of their minds in pure denial, I sort of became at peace with that. Because it gave me more confidence in myself.

When I told my therapist recently about how witnessing my nephew’s behaviour was like watching a script I had written, because I predicted every single thing about it, she asked me why did that matter to me. And I told her ‘because I was validated by none other than myself. It means I understand their dynamic, it means I know now how they work a little better. And I know now there is very little I can do, so I chose to step aside.’

So, to answer your question, in all honesty, there are a series of external factors that came into play. Without them, I certainly wouldn’t have made it as well as I did. The fact that I was so quickly and easily embraced by my bf’s family was a breath of fresh air, and it was the one thing I never got as a kid and what I am so thankful for. It gave me perspective and it’s still teaching me a sense of belonging. That sort of puts my mind to ease, so that when I face my family, I’m more relaxed because I understand my place a lot better, and I understand that the place they want me to fulfil isn’t normal, not for me and I don’t have to fulfil it if I don’t want to.

The fact that I can just get up and leave whenever I want helps a lot. I have accepted that my family is like a retail job. I can only stand that shit for no longer than 8 hours a day, and 8h to me is too damn much. I would say 5h. When I’m with them, it’s never for any longer than that because otherwise I’ll go crazy.

And then there’s bit... In all honesty, I see my mom a lot more than I see my brother (I must see him like, some 5 times a year), and I can tolerate and accept her presence a lot more. I guess I do have the ability to forgive, and that’s what allows me to move forward, because the fact remains that, when you grew up with an alienated mother and no maternal figure to rely on, and as a grown woman you finally see those attitudes your kiddie self wanted so much, you sort of succumb to it. You embrace it because you’ve craved it for so long, even if your inner goblin is screaming ‘IT’S TOO LATE NOW’. Most of the times, my mind is at conflict, thinking: this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve this. But a part of me just really wants to move past that, forgive and accept that she has her own fucked up way of changing and showing support. There have been moments even when I thought ‘she acknowledged her faults, even if she will never say them allowed or ask for forgiveness’ and that sort of eased me (although I’m a leo... I forgive, but damn I don’t forget).

I think the main ingredient here is that I always felt left out and shunned by my family. But now, I feel like I’m the one leaving them out and shunning them. They don’t know what’s going on with my life, and although they don’t really ask, you can tell at times they try to pry. And I don’t tell them shit.

It’s funny, last session I told my therapist the one thing I would never share with my family was my writing because they never acknowledged it the way I needed it to be acknowledged, and that ruins the experience of writing for me. And that’s a bit how I balance tolerating them while being me. The things that are important to me, they’re locked away and they’re not touching them. All they get to live with is a cut-out version of myself that they think is the person they know, but someone completely different. I let them believe their own conceptions of myself while preserving my own achievements and the things I treasure to myself.

It’s basically creating the persona they believe I am when I’m with them versus the person I really am everywhere else (trust me when I tell you they get completely baffled when they hear my friends say the most basic shit about myself---like how my mom got dumbfounded when she learned through my godmother that I actually did know a lot of drug addicts and dealers but stood away from using while not being the sort of person my brother is and dehumanize them. She really couldn’t conceive that I was that person because all her life she believed everything I did was because someone else did it and I followed. She is so keen on refusing to accept I do things out of my own free will she’s thrown off her balance when she learns that like, the pink hair thing in 2006 was actually sort of a trend setted in my school lmfao)

(oh shit this got WAY TOO LONG)

#Anonymous

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