#trying to feel gopd about myself again

[dreaming0fdistantgalaxies]

Been trying to do little things every day to make myself feel a little better about everything, today I did my makeup to run errands and took a cute selfie 🪐

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/29/2019 at 9:16pm

Tonight was therapy. I had two options for what to talk about. The first was outlined in a recent post, but I just don't think I was ready for that tonight.

The second was a selection of items from a huge binder I have of various items from my past. A lot of what was in there was the writing, but the items that stood out to me weren't necessarily my writing.

1) A photo of me from in high school with my favorite band, Barlow Girl, in the background. I was wearing the hoodie I basically wore every day around that point in my life. I was around 15 or 16.

2) A series of notecards that I used for my first ever youtube video. I never showed my face. The cards read as follows: "-These are my secrets: -I am insecure -My friends think I am overly secure -I fake my smiles most of the time -I do not think I ever want to get married -I might not even believe in romantic love -I read to escape reality -I am a feminist... -But I hate my body -I trust my parents w/ my life... -...but never with my secrets... -I was raised by a Christian family... -...But I don't know what I believe about God anymore... -I find it hard to trust people -I have a whole binder of stuff I have written to try to deal... -I cut myself when I get overwhelmed -I've tried to stop too many times to count... -But I keep running back to it... -I'll probably never stop trying -Those were <u>my</u> secrets... -Tell me yours?" My therapist expressed interest in a few of the cards in particular. The ones about marriage/love, feminist/body, trust/secrets, religion, and thr last one about self-harm. She asked me if I think I am done with self-harm. I said I hope so. She asked me again. I said I think so.

3) A card written by a friend from high school in which she says all sorts of nice things about me. But a lot of them are about how I am awesome because I have helped her. I feel like it sort of is representative of my friendships in high school. It also reminded me of the meeting (think Intervention) that I attended to support this friend after she showed a bunch of people at youth group how she had self-harmed up and down her arms. That meeting freaked me out and made me not want to tell anyone about my own struggles.

4) This was not in my binder, but I found it in the word documents on my laptop. It is a poem that I wrote in college titled "Seductress" that is about my relationship with self-harm at the time. My therapist read it through once, amd then again. She said she felt it was very sensual, and not something she would have expected from someone who thinks they might be asexual. I can see where she is coming from.

We ran out of time to discuss the 5th and final piece. She tried to ask me about it, but I said we didn't have time to go into that one.

5) It is a little traced drawing of a robot on a 3x5 notecard. The robot stands with curved metal arms and legs. The silver of it's body is colored with a metalic sharpie and thin black lines were added in to delineate the various parts. It's hands are open like it is about to grab something. It has two little antennae and a rounded helmet (sort of like buzz lightyear) with a large question mark. That robot symbolized the person in a robot costume that felt me up when I was drunk out of my mind my senior semester of college.

I will probably talk about this last piece in my next session in two weeks. It might be a gopd segway (sp?) into the other things I want to talk about.

E.