#tumblr is my own personal journal atp cos i dont have followers to see this lmao but i have to release this somewhere

[seven-pleiades]

Nothing will ever ever be good enough for my mom. I'm constantly on the verge of burn out to not be a disappointment and end up completely being a disappointment because I'm so burnt out. (More under the cut sorry I am venting today)

Even from a young age it was always "study hard at school" i did. I was predicted the highest of grades. I burned out and got average grades.

Then it was "do well at college" I did. Again burned myself out to the point of dropping out.

She made me feel worthless so I went back and got my A levels.

Then it was "get a degree". I did but because it wasn't a 1st. The second highest level "will suffice".

Then it was "get a job" i did. I stayed in an job too long where I get death threats, SA threats, general abuse all day to the point where I had to go on sick because I was terrified of what she'd say.

I got a new job. I'm happy here. I'm doing GREAT at my new job. And it's "when are you getting a promotion"

I literally felt unwell last week and had the day off. I attempted to go in the next day and literally tripped over them passed out and told the person helping me 'no it's ok I'll jber to work' when they said they'd call someone at home because I was in no right state to go to work I said "can you talk to my mom she won't believe me". How PATHETIC. I, a 24 year old had to tell someone to call my mom.

Literally laying in bed crying and feeling once again, like nothing. Because she makes me feel like nothing. I go to work all day she still expects me to do 200 things for her when I get back. And if I don't? I'm "lazy" and "useless" and "welcome to the real world".

For context, my mom doesn't work. She hasn't worked in the whole 24 years of my life. Is this projection? Because she has nothing to show for herself? Probably. Is it my and my siblings fault that she hasn't been successful? In her mind? Absolutely. She tells us everyday.

Oh seven why don't you just move out? I can't. It takes time, money, the right place that's not a million miles to work and despite me not wanting to be here or her even deserving me to be here. I'm the only one here. Deep down I have this duty to look after her and not abandon her.

I don't have any friends or family in the area to even move out for a short time. I don't know how much more of this treatment I can take. I don't want to burn out again and lose my job that I actually like and enjoy.

There are countless other times my mom just treats me like shit. Whether it's how I choose to spend my little free time, my weight and appearance, what I eat, how I dress, the fact I don't have a partner.

I vent to my very few close friends and I feel so bad. They have their own shit to deal with.

I just feel very alone and I'm struggling and I'm at a complete loss.