#ugh & the worst thing that is so specific to me they’re gonna cast link as some ugly fuck actor who legit just looks like some dude

[daeyumi]

i think uh. the Announcement has ruined my night actually. the more i think abt it the worse it gets haha.. 🙃🫠 like literally i don’t think there’s a way the movie can be good. i’m gonna get off social media for tonight & go play switch or smthn,,,,,,,,

[seenashwrite]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies So You Don’t Have To

(a.k.a. -  Nash Records Her Viewings Of Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold. And yes, it’s a apparently a legit sub-genre. Best I can tell, if it’s not Christmas or Valentines, and there’s snow, then it goes. Spoilers abound.)

ETA: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

As per last time during the Christmas round-ups, 4 and 5 stars mean the best of the lot, 3 stars means it’s not necessarily a waste of your time, 2 stars is up to your discretion, and 1 star means it is time you will never get back.

Here we go.

Winter Castle (people you've never heard of - Hallmark)

Holy shit, cliché on parade and nobody can act?! Jack-friggin'-pot. Zero chemistry amongst anyone, from family to friendship to romance?! Hot damn.

So they're all at this place for a destination wedding (a.k.a, Selfish And Life-Disrupting And Huge Expense For Guests Thing And Oh Here’s Our Registry Too, come at me brah), and everyone is staying in a hotel. HA! KIDDING! They're all in this giant faux igloo, and by "faux" I mean there are these church-esque doors in what is, I guess, a specially-flown-in iceberg on land. Google tells me it’s an actual place. 

Anyway, through the doors you'll find hallways (that have people carved into them, not creepy at all) which are lined with rooms. Suites? I never saw a bathroom door, doesn't damn matter, nobody poos in Hallmark's world. Oh, also, for lighting, we have Target pillar candles, then everything's backlit in '80s neon:

Are they shitting me?

But that's beside the point. Point is, it may be pretty to look at but in execution, it's stupid. No way people haven’t had to peace out and find a new joint to stay in because of near or actual hypothermia. Based on the warm, cozy, wood-floored, windowed, staircase-and-balcony-having rehearsal dinner area in a large building with stone wall exterior, this hotel actually has some, y'know, hotel to it. Lodge? Who cares, but I bring it up because of the standard precocious child who is there to bring everybody together whilst turning into a popsicle.

The poor kid is bundled within an inch of her life, dumb bunny-eared toboggan to puffy jacket, and is burrito'd in a sleeping bag, with a quilt on this bed that looks to be carved out of ice, as well, and I say "as well" because our leading lady is shown frequently perched on what looks to be a chair carved out of ice (fur puffy thing for ass protection) with her laptop on a table carved out of ice when she's face-timing her Not Gay Male Best Friend in a bow-tie and sweater vest back home, and - bonus! - he doubles as The One Person Of Color. Now, if memory serves, legit igloos made by actual First Nation(s) folks (meaning both Canadian and American - specifically, Alaskan - and probs any groups that found themselves in the way-way-North in the way-back-when and had to come up with this genius or, you know, die) are actually pretty damn warm once the fire gets cranking. Not to say you don't keep some fierce socks and gloves on, that's plain smart, but enclosed space with heat is enclosed space with heat - just don't lick the walls. That's good advice, igloo or otherwise. 

On that topic, via the article linked above, says one of the actresses:

"It's like an igloo," Mullen told the Standard. "The further you go into the hotel, it gets colder and colder. As you walk down the hallway into the different rooms, it's just getting into your bones." She said every time they called "Cut!," everyone would put on jackets to warm up. 

She’s incorrect - that’s not like an igloo. It’s too big, that’s why it doesn’t stay warm. I have *zero* desire to go to this place. That sounds like Dante’s Frosty The Snowman circle of hell. I digress.

I say all that to say, this movie is straight dumb because the script is basic bitch, they were leaning on the location and hard. It gets a star because they tried in the sense that they did use a unique setting, but the rest was neglected (the story and the casting). Everything else was so blaaaaaand, and the acting was so stilted and unnatural, and they cast the mother with someone who looks the exact same age as the lead gal/her sister (the bride), and then there’s this one chick character who was so pathetically desperate, and the leading man was such a pussy who wouldn't make a fucking decision, and they had our leading lady be all *sniffle* and tolerating that shit AND SHE JUST MET HIM BY THE WAY, and I just.... ugh.

1/5 stars

.

Royal Matchmaker (Bethany Joy Lenz - Hallmark)

This isn't an "official" Winter '19 jam, google tells me it's from the '18 spring movies, but everybody's bundled up, so I'm calling bullshit. It ain't half-bad, despite the fact that it's a “royal” one, who’d-a-thunk? There was one over Christmas that got a 4 (see link up top), and I never would’ve predicted it. But that was an oldie-goldie, this is now. This one has the traditional royal romance beats and, no shit, the sidekick is the same one from another "royal", the absolutely horrid "Christmas At The Palace”, from Christmas ‘18. I cannot reiterate how bad that movie was - not "My Christmas Love" bad, but bad.

All right, so - she’s a matchmaker from NYC, which is at least a new take on what's coming next - and you guessed it, a prince HAS to get married or some reason, even though it's mentioned they are under a Parliamentary system and not a monarchy, but he still has to because it's the 17th century, oh wait no it’s not. The king, who is from a random made-up locale (*sigh*) has hired her (and said partner) to find a suitable wife for his son, who’s presented as the typical eligible rich bachelor, and “presented as” is the key phrase. It’s one of the things I like about this plot, but it doesn't outweigh the bleeeccchhh.

For one, it wears me out, the making-up of countries. It’s distracting. If you’re gonna do royalty, the right move is to have the royal not be a king/prince but make it a duke/duchess jam, refer to the locale vaguely as a duchy in England or Ireland or Scotland or Sweden or Norway or whatever Americans will fall for, 'cause as a rule, Americans aren't typically hip to other countries' jams. Hell, say someone is a prince/princess, but it’s more in inherited title only - that’s what the 4 from the Christmas list did right. Nobody called him “Prince Whatever”, he wasn’t presented as this hot commodity, it was a nothing burger, we didn’t even find out that he had the title til near the end of the movie. I’ve digressed, back to this flick.

I detest the royal garb they’ve got lead dude in at the conclusion, it looks like you or I waltzed into Party City and slapped down $30 and walked back to the set. It’s ill-tailored and in too-bright colors and is, again, something utterly distracting that could've been avoided, and same with the king’s, too-small jacket to too-long length of slacks. All the women, including our main gal, are in prom dresses straight off the rack from Sears and J.C. Penney’s. This is not praise. The men are all in identical rented tuxedos with clip bow-ties. Thanks, I hate it.

I mean, and I hate that there’s a ball at the end at all, but it goes hand-in-hand with the core premise, which is that they’re on a tight schedule - ol’ Bethany has 4 weeks. They, of course, fall in love with one another, and props to casting because these two look good together and have decent chemistry, but that could be because Lenz knocks these movies out of the park - this is the third... maybe the fourth... that I’ve seen with her - she elevates everything she’s in. When I mentioned her to a friend, I was told she also elevated some shitty TV show that I never watched, so perhaps you are already familiar with her.

Anyhow, once again there’s too much filler and the ending draaaaaaags and then BOOM it’s done in the last three minutes, which is standard for these movies (both Lifetime and Hallmark), I’d say, about 95% of the time. The story was good in that the prince wasn’t a typical playboy and he kept his philanthropic side a secret because he didn’t want press invading these small villages and whatever he was helping rebuild - he genuinely likes getting his hands dirty and he actually knows how to do shit, he fixes a radiator at a community center at one point. Eh. I dunno. It had such potential in the front half, then just shit the bed in the back half, so it was half of a waste of my time. But you may dig it. It's far from the worst of Hallmark's offerings but, again, I think it's because of Lenz, she's the only thing getting it up from a 1/5.

2/5 stars

.

Oh… oh mah… what the... we interrupt the winter fare for what looks like a rando that’s snuck in and christ on a cracker, no. No. No. NO. The summary:

A woman begins an online relationship with a famous photographer, not realizing that she is actually communicating with the man’s young son.

This caught my ear because as I was sitting here writing up the last movie, it came on, and I hear this woman’s voice, her typing (so it’s her voice in her mind), then a man’s voice (as she’s reading), and I looked up when the man’s voice started switching to a kid’s (boy’s) voice back and forth every sentence or so - and then I looked at that summary, and….

NO

"Chance at Romance", it's called –> 0/5 stars, I don’t even need to watch it, what a stupid garbage fucking premise, and it’s gross, and I hope that shit kid gets punished, like as in, no computer til he's old enough to own his own home and pay for his own internet, because scumbag kid. If he has the balls to pull this catfishing shitstorm on a fucking adult and gets away with it, what the fuck will he do to manipulate girls his own age? Gross. IT’S A GROSS PREMISE YOU GREETING CARD FUCKTARDS

.

Love On Ice (Andrew Walker, who's in every fourth movie, and  the lead chick's familiar her name is Julie Berman - Hallmark)

Former pro skater, now teaching - don't worry, it's not the aforementioned “Christmas At The Palace”, despite the similar M.O. - and decides to go for one last run at regionals because the new coach in town who's teaching the next big thing is like "You used to be the next big thing, why don't you undo eight years of not training aggressively in, like, a couple weeks and compete against the girl I've been hired to make a winner, and I'll coach you both, because I have a boner for you and your shitty blonde extensions! No, that's not what he says, but that's the deal, yo. The next-big-thing's got an overbearing mother and, once his boner gets found out, here comes a new coach that used to be the former-next-big-thing's coach, and she's a horrible actress, she can't play sneaky-evil to save her life. I liked the two leads, and they did a better job than the other ice skating scenes/movies with concealing the real skater actors, but overall this was as boring as watching paint dry, I just wanted it to be over.

1/5 stars

.

The Perfect Catch (Nikki DeLoach and... shock of all shocks, no not really... our old buddy, Andrew Walker - Hallmark)

I swear, I don't know if Andrew Walker is on some mission from god, or being punished by him. I'm in the same boat, so I empathize. At least I'm not contracted. I can't speak for him, but I remain happy for DHJ, that he's escaped this purgatory, and is safe on the shore... at least, at present.

In any event, this one doesn't seem like a "Winter official", but there were jackets and no definite spring or fall standards (pastels or orange leaves), and it's airing now, so here we are. It seems to be baseball season, so I know they mean for it to be spring, but they are wearing coat-coats, not it's-still-kinda-chilly light jackets. I don't fucking care, I watched it, so I’m reporting on it.

It ticks many boxes on the Winter Fanfic Bingo card (forthcoming), specifically the ones that are carryovers from Christmas and will be carried over to all the Hallmark/Lifetime movies regardless of time of year. Because being formulaic, when playing the long game, is cheap and efficient, and in the restaurant business, or products made on a factory line, or in healthcare standards, things of that ilk, you want streamlined coupled with the trieds-and-trues. In writing? Not-so-much. It's lazy.

And speaking of restaurants, that's the first box that got ticked - our leading lady owns a restaurant and, next box, it's in danger of being lost. Other boxes include: our leading man is famous; he's the character that comes back home, leaves/might leave, then changes mine/comes back, and it's to stay!; adorable child who ideally will bring everyone together; a character's parents are dead. Blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blaaaaah-blah-bleh. <---- that had more variety than this flick. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this movie. It's vanilla. It's white bread. It's mashed potatoes with no salt or a touch of sour cream mixed in, no loading with shredded sharp cheese and crumbled brown sugar-and-cracked-pepper bacon and the barest touch of chives. I'm hungry, shut up.

It doesn't just get 1 star because it's not bottom barrel - everyone's competent in their acting, there's nothing outlandishly stupid about the script, it's not shellacked in Velveeta. I will say that they pull a little teensy, micro-twist with how they resolve his balancing a primo offer that in no way should he pass on career-wise fairly realistically. The very last scene is, of course, stupid and embarrassing.

2/5 stars

The next movie has palm trees, so officially not Winter. But oof.... it's got Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison, both of whom are ringers. Hmmm. Yeah, I still ain’t subjecting myself to more than needed for this adventure. Oh, and they continue to play the basic-basic-BAAAAASIC-boring "Hope At Christmas" on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries", if you’re interested. It is a mystery to me as to why they continue to do so. Anyhow, there's apparently 3 or 4 more brand spanking new offerings from Hallmark for the next several weeks. 

More to come. I’ll reblog this with every new entry added to the top, so you can always just keep this post URL bookmarked if you think you missed it. Tell me if you want to be tagged. 

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

MUSIC QUESTIONS

Found here: http://beyondthetemples-ooc.tumblr.com/post/183365664552/music-asks-these-are-actually-pretty-fucking-hard

Song names are linked to videos that play them. (The meme said “these are hard”, but I decided to make it even HARDER for some reason, and decided I wouldn’t use two selections from the same band! Which made this take me literally two hours, but it was Fun. I like a good musical challenge~ So anyways.)

1:A song you like with a color in the title Blue Eyes - Within Temptation

2:A song you like with a number in the title Fixed At Zero - VersaEmerge

3:A song that reminds you of summertime Elvenpath - Nightwish this might be for Spiritual Reasons, heh. “In the sheltering shade of the forest, calling, calming silence. Accompanied only by the full moon, and the howling of the night wolf, and the path under my bare feet... The elven path.” 

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD Reality Fringe - Alex Dalliance / Vulture Culture “By right, I’m STILL ALIVE! Bad blood, I WILL SURVIVE! By truth, my eyes can SEE! The broken EDGE of REALITY!”

6:A song that makes you want to dance damnit, i already used Alex Dalliance, Nightwish, AND Xandria! How about..... ~*Diamond Shuffle - Next Level*~ (we dance HARD to this at the org functions sometimes, and i absolutely LOVE IT.) Based on the Cupid Shuffle! "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right! To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left. Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick. Now put your diamonds up, now put your diamonds up. Do the diamond shuffle.... We’re going Diamond, D-I-A-M-O-N-D! We’re the BEST, you can bet! Not another, can’t be beat! Do your diamond dance, diamond dance"~

7:A song to drive to ( (( ??? I don't drive, so I wouldn't know. Whatever I'm in the mood for, though. )) )

8:A song about drugs or alcohol Someday - Crossfade "Can't put this bottle down as Iiiii, watch this day fade into night...."

9:A song that makes you happy Samhain - Magica [Lyrics: x] that took Depressingly long to figure out. geez But: any time I listen to that piano? My spirit absolutely SOARS.

10:A song that makes you sad oh, that's too many. hold on; I need a minute... particularly because i don't want to Repeat Bands on this, for some reason. How about one that almost always Draws Tears? Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots “I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now I’m insecure and I care what people think...Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days. When our mama sang us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out...Used to dream of outer space, but now they’re laughing at our face, saying ‘Wake up, you need to make money!’ ”

11:A song that you never get tired of Believer - Imagine Dragons “I’m fired up, and tired of the way that things have been, oh!...Don’t you tell me what to think that I can be. I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea...Seeing the beauty, though the... PAIN! You make me a, you make me a believer...All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh, your spirit up above...”

12:A song from your preteen years Tokyo Nights - Puffy AmiYumi (Always one of my favorites by them.~) “Utaru, Tokyo Nights! Anno kutokete, Tokyo nights! Yoru ni hohoemu. I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love...~”

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs Have I talked about ~Under Pressure~ enough yet? “It’s the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends screaming, Let me out!...Keep coming up with love, but it’s so slashed and torn! Why? Can’t we give ourselves one more chance? Why can’t we give love one more chance?...'Cause love's such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care for, the people on the edge of, the night, and, love dares you to, change our way of caring about ourselves...”

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding {{ N/A - I don't want to be married. ^^'; Handfasted, maybe. But none, really. Also, if I did, I'd want to pick our music Together. }}

15:A song that is a cover by another artist Supremacy - Tarja (Muse cover) “Wake to see, your true emancipation is a fantasy. Policies have risen up and overcome the brave. Greatness dies, unsung and lost, invisible to history...You don't have long; I am on to you. The time, it has come, to destroy: Your suuu-premacyyyyy!”

16:One of your favorite classical songs Greensleeves - (???) (I know it's not "baroque", but it's certainly a bit of a classic.)

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke Broken - Seether ft. Amy Lee “The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high, and steal my pain, away. There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight! I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...”

18:A song from the year that you were born Addams Family (WHOOMP!) - Tag Team

19:A song that makes you think about life We Are the Others - Delain "As simple as air in your lungs, as simple as words on your lips: No one could take it away, no one should argue this! Now with our heads up high, we’ll carry on, and carry out: That we won’t let them, GET us down, or WEAR us out! Cuz we are not alone. We are the others, we are the cast-outs! We’re the outsiders, but you can’t hide us...If you feel mistreated, torn and cheated: You are not alone! We are the others. Normal is not the norm. It’s just a uniform. Forget about the norm, take off your uniform. We are all beautiful!”

20:A song that has many meanings to you The Worlds Forgotten, The Words Forbidden - Sonata Arctica Every. Single. Aspect. of the Nexus has feels in this song! “What is a man to do? No light, only suffocating dark. Deep, burning pain. I’m losing everything I am, remember nothing of my past. Now it’s all gone, and I fear the game is over. Save me...This isn’t my home. I follow moon to find a path away from the scorching sun, I follow the stars to my abode...I seize the moment to hear a story no one’s telling anymore. The worlds forgotten, the words forbidden.”

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title Song For Jolee - Kamelot (I have no idea what the Other Jolene Song everyone talks about is, but ^this^ is the one I think of whenever someone says "Jolene", and it catches me off guard Every Time I Remember, "that's not the same song, they mean the Fabled Meme one, right. Right..." I heard it's a country song though, and look, that's not my style, so I don't care to be informed. The contrast+realization is kinda amusing, anyways. 8FF)

22:A song that moves you forward Higher - Edenbridge “Time and tide wait for no man ever, and your eyes are agleam, like you’re in a dream, getting out from under. Give a little try, give a little more try! Never fall in line, for a fleeting moment! Be and end all, I am aiming HIGH. Reach a little higher!...Lay it on the line, and run the mile. Reach a little HIGHER!”

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to ????? (I make recommendations based on personal taste; I can't Generalize like that! ;; )

24:A song by a band you wish were still together The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance (Y’all should know how this goes. And if you don’t: can I make THIS my recommendation? Besides being Iconic of my “emo” generation, it’s legitimately a great musical composition with dramatic buildup and a seriously empowering message.)

25:A song by an artist no longer living Hands Held High - Linkin Park

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love (All over again, you mean?) Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay “I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts; some superhero, some fairy tale bliss. Just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss. I want something just like this. Oh, I want something just like this!”~

27:A song that breaks your heart Wanderer's Lullaby - Adriana Figueroa “Do you know, just, how much you’re worth?...You are the dawn of a new day that’s waking, a masterpiece still in the making, the blue in an ocean of gray. You are: right where you need to be, poised to inspire and to succeed! You’ll look back, and you’ll realize one day. In your eyes there is doubt, as you try to figure it out... Though the world may try to define you, it can’t take the light that’s inside you! So don’t you dare try to hide, let yours fade away...” (It’s... for someone very particular that this song breaks my heart all over again. Ugh, I could quote this whole song for her. When I’m in a very specific shift? This song absolutely DESTROYS me. And even when I’m not? It’s an absolutely gorgeous and reassuring song, but... you know. Depressed Brain likes to say “that isn’t true at all”, and I’m likely to tear up anyways.)

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love Tides of Time - Epica (Simone Simons... ~<333 She sounds every bit as amazing LIVE as she does on the albums! But this VERSE... actually strike that, this entire SONG is so gorgeously rendered.)

29:A song that you remember from your childhood Bring Me to Life - Evanescence (The Song that Started It All. Ordinarily I would link to the Bliss Mix, or the SiriusXM performance. Hell, a demo! You know, the version they actually WANTED to make, without the production misogyny. But this WAS, after all, the version from my childhood. =w=;; I’m not even gonna do lyrics, you all know how it goes.)

30:A song that reminds you of yourself (oh my stars, there are SO many... I can say “Every song I’ve linked to so far”, honestly.) I told myself I wouldn't repeat bands, so I had to do some digging for this one, since I already used all of my Favorites.... Wait, DUH. The song that's named after the very same word I named my Entire Identity and Life Experience after: The Nexus - Amaranth “I hide, empower our remedy. Step up, get your game on, get your fight back, never BACK DOWN!...I have the will inside my mind. There is a voice I can’t deny! Break, with the PAST. Set the nexus free at least! As the future will be there to save us. Trapped, in my SKIN, see the nexus in my dreams. But will you bury me within?...And as the darkness reveals, I see no reason for me to reach for the cure. I’m my own demon. I kept the secrets in my mind, there is a voice I can’t DENY!...Face it down, I’m the spine in the flame. Just let it out of me, break it out of the core - to help me, BREATHE...”

Actually, okay, it’s the whole song. It’s kind of perfect.~