#ughhhhhh i can’t handle them today

[foxyslide]

🦋DIARY🌸

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TW cw, cals burned, stats, bmi, Ed mention, mental health, ramblings, long ass post, and ugly mugshot

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(EDIT: lol I had posted pics of myself but then changed my mind and removed them)

(Not from today)

Hi it’s me 👋 all Shea-buttery. I hope everyone’s doing better than I am..

It’s 11:19, got home from cycling 18miles again along greenway. Cw is 54kg on the dot. 60cal x 18 = 1,080cal burned again, but I think it’s more since I was cycling nonstop for two hours unlike my journey to work.

Did not fast yesterday :,-( was going so well but I think because I slept the whole day it was difficult to sleep afterwards and I had the pizza and ice cream hubby had brought home 😞 felt so shit afterwards. It’s so shit I can’t purge, neither physically or otherwise (physically because I hate the sensation of vomiting, it’s not for me. Otherwise because of my husband, he wouldn’t put up with that shit).

I wonder would drinking a shit ton of coffee help after a binge?

Hubby has said that if this continues, this obsession about loosing weight, he doesn’t know how long we will last together. He’s worried that I will never be happy with myself, and he doesn’t know how long he can handle it. I’m so comfortable taking about my problems to him I don’t realise when I’m doing it and how it’s affecting him 😟 definitely need to journal and draw I need a way to vent. And I guess vent more on here instead of to hubby, to give him a break he deserves one.

he is honestly the one who’s been keeping me from kms, he’s the voice of reason, he’s the Angel on my shoulder, telling me I’m loved and I’m perfect the way I am and I am cared for and I need to stop bullying myself. He keeps me sane when I get really paranoid, doesn’t matter what other ppl think, even if they think badly of you doesn’t effect you, you’re getting in with your life. Live your life to your own standards, not someone else’s. Great advice that I never ever take 👍🏽

Yesterday we realised the voice in my head is the voice of my mother, and he told me the only way to end this is to confront her, he’s told me this before but I just CANNOT. Just the thought of it makes me wanna hide under the bed. Yes, like a child.

it’s her voice that tells me I’m too fat, that I have no self control, that I need to finish everything on my plate but oh my god I have cellulite we need to do something about this, never mind that I’m seven years old. I’m too lazy too stupid too inconsiderate, I don’t have a good memory I forget everything, I loose everything, I don’t appreciate the value of money, of things, I don’t appreciate what others do for me. I am selfish, greedy, I will never make it in the outside world, I will never make it on my own. Look at your friends, look at your cousins, they’ve done so much with their lives, and how slim they are! What’s wrong with your legs? Why are they so fat? You need to exercise more. Your arms are good, but the rest of your body… you’re not going to eat?! But I cooked it FOR you!! You can’t waste food! I raised you, I gave up my life for you. I’m telling you now don’t have kids. What the hell are you wearing?? What the hell are drawing?? You’re crazy!! You’re a monster!!

you know what mum just let me be a fucking monster then. And leave me the fuck alone.

lemme just jot down my stats and goals again because I let myself go. I need to get back on track. also scary thing although cycling is my fav exercise I can see the muscles I’m gaining on my thighs and I’m just like 💀 I mean I wouldn’t mind having shapely legs but if they end up quite big I’m gonna have to give up cycling.. plus muscle weighs more than fat so is cycling a good way to do this anyway? Am I gonna at least reach my first gw?

height: 163cm (5’4)

Hw: 70kg (154.3lbs)

lw: 52kg (114.6lbs)

gw1: 49kg (108lbs)

Gw2: 47kg (103.6lbs)

Ugw: 45kg (99.2lbs)

revised ugw???: 40kg (88.1lbs)

current bmi:

Ughhhhhh

I can’t wait to see that needle drop

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[fosterem]

A lot is happening in this day.

Puck stayed home AGAIN from school today, because her throat hurts. She did this last week saying her stomach hurt. If she stays home from school, she needs a covid test (from a medical provider) to return. I was going to make her go, today, but had last minute guilt about WHAT IF she actually has covid. So she’s home, and has a test at 1:30.

I got a text from the baby’s mom at 9, asking if I could pick him up from daycare because they say he has a rash. Picked him up. Bedbug bites, everywhere. Daycare says he needs a drs note to come back. I was blunt with mom, saying they’re definitely bug bites, and she should have her apartment complex treat again. Poor baby. The bites are everywhere. Super sad, because I dropped him off yesterday morning with not a single mark on his body.

At 11:30, I got a call from a dcfs worker (not my worker) asking if I could take placement of The Teen. They’re currently in a treatment center, and need somewhere for them to go over the weekend if discharged. The worker said she asked our caseworker for my number, and caseworker told her no. I’m glad our feelings for each other are mutual 👯‍♀️

I wrote all of that 👆🏼 yesterday.

Puck ended up testing negative. We woke up this morning to a message from our school district stating they will no longer be mandating masks, effective immediately. It feels bad. I instructed all 3 of my children to wear their masks at school, but sister came out this afternoon without hers. Shocker.

I’m struggling majorly with sister.

Majorly. Majorly. Majorly.

I know it’s because lack of predictability + routine during this season, but it’s still really hard. I have no patience and feel like I’m reacting to every situation, incorrectly. Bleh. She’s pushing every. single. boundary.

Mid typing that 👆🏼 I got a call from our pcp that Puck’s PCR came back positive. I rounded the troops and brought everyone home. Sister has had a runny nose for the last two weeks. This isn’t uncommon for her. I actually have tested her twice since last week, and then again tonight- all rapids were negative. I’m sure she has it. I test myself regularly (because of the baby) and tested negative again tonight. Lolly, Eight and myself are all symptom free. Besides Puck’s sore throat yesterday morning, she’s been fine. Now I’m wondering if her being sick to her stomach last week, is related? She did test negative on a PCR last Tuesday, but I feel like nothing means anything nowadays.

Caseworker called me and I had a mini meltdown over the phone. Sister’s behavior is really overwhelming and the thought of quarantining with her is pushing me over the edge. I was basically just like, “this is my current headspace with sister, and I want you to know that I know it’s overwhelming me + I feel like I can’t handle it + I also feel like not my best parent self + am really anxious about not being able to go to the nicu”. She was soft, and said soft words and then asked me what I needed from her. UGHhhhhh I’m emotional. It made my belly drop and I just wanted to cry. Life is hard. Foster care is harder. She is just doing her job, but it felt unexpected and genuine.. which is not the experience I have had with other workers.

Speaking of being emotional. I’ve tapered myself off of my lexapro. I’ve had no withdrawal symptoms except brain zaps, which I kind of like in a weird way. I definitely feel less numb to emotions, hence me crying over my caseworker.

Okay, that’s all bye.

[the-fiction-witch]

Love You

TV SHOW: THE QUEENS GAMBIT COUPLE: BENNY WATTS X READER RATING: SMUT

I sat on my chair, my feet up a little so my bare feet didn't sit on the ice-cold concrete floor, the light on above my head with my little lamp angled beside me to light my canvas as I painted holding a paintbrush in my hand my cloth in the other and the brush I was just using and will likely need later in my mouth holding the handle in my teeth as I worked, I used my upper arm to move some hair out my face as my hands where covered in paint I took my brush out my mouth holding it up to look again at what I was painting and the scale "Hi?" Benny laughed across the room sat at the dining table barefoot, in his dark blue jeans, and green textured button downplaying over some games from his last tournament he saw me measuring and he waved at me "Quiet model," I told him returning my focus to my canvas "Rude lady today" he laughs returning his focus to his chessboard "Models are meant to model, not to speak" "Very rude little lady today" he laughs blowing me a kiss "love you" he cooes "Umm" I huffed continuing to pain ".... Love you" he repeated this time louder I continued to ignore him focused on my painting trying to mix up colours correctly, "I said, Love you?" He said the time in his voice now getting more annoyed sitting there expectantly waiting for my response but I didn't answer "y/n! I love you!" He yelled but I still didn't respond he ripped a bit of paper from his note bad screwing it up into a ball and throwing it at me hitting me in the arm "Oww Benny" I complained "Return my affections woman" "That what you say to all the girls' Benny?' I laughed "I said I love you," he says almost shouting at me but I didn't say anything continuing to mix paint he ripped another page and threw it at me then another and another "return my affections" he kept chanting at me as he threw them but still I wouldn't answer "I would like a response" "And I'd like a cup of tea" I joked "Fine," he says getting up and going to the kitchen I continued with my painting until he came and put his chair next to me handing me my mug of tea "Thank you benny" I smiled taking it and having a sip as I painted "Your welcome" he smiled "do you love me now?" I giggled slightly but continued to ignore him "Love you?" He asks slightly whining gently poking my arm "looooovve yooou" he whines continuing to poke my Arm whining and poking like a perpetual child "y/n!" He whines "love me" he whines hugging me tightly nuzzling into my neck giving me kisses and slightly bitting my neck "Oohh will you just go back to your chessboard Benny" I laughed trying to push him away "When you say you love me" he says refusing to let me go giving my neck and shoulder kisses, hikis, and bites "Get off Benny, your not a vampire" ".... We do live in what could be described as a coffin? I do wear mostly black? And have an uncontrollable lust sometimes?" He smirked "I'm busy Benny" "Love me!" He complained trying to push me over "I'm busy" I told him forcing him away from me "Fine" he says moving away pouting a little as he sat there "I'll make you say it" he smirked moving to his knees, I was confused but I continued with my painting trying to ignore him as he moved to sit on the floor "What are you doing?" I asked him but he ignored me "Benny?" I asked but he still ignored me and moved closer kissing up my inner thigh pushing up my dress with his hands until his lips met my panties "Benny!" I gasped in shock but he still ignored me taking a grip of my cotton panties in his teeth pulling them down my legs until they pooled at my ankles, I clamped my legs shut trying to stop him but he forced my legs open before I could say another word he moved kissing my clit intensely making out with me often making sure I felt the sweet softness of his lips and tongue before immediately giving me the scratchy sharpness of his facial hair to draw my attention more unable to get used to anyone sensation, running his tongue across my clit gently sucking on all the little spots he knows I can't resist "uuughhh Benny" I gasped grabbing his hair

"Quiet, fuck toy" He smirked

"Benny!" I gasped almost moaning but still he ignored me nibbling, kissing, sucking, licking, scratching his hair against my skin, "Mean boy today" I giggled

"Fucktoys are meant to be used, not to speak" He smirked doing anything he could to get my blood pumping and my attention on him and what he was doing

"Ughhh ughhhh! Benny!" I groaned putting my leg over his shoulder "why are you doing this?" I moaned but no answer "I'd like a response" I joked

"Yeah, and I'd like a blow job, but I'm fine with this" He smirked sucking and kissing extra hard

"Uhhhhhhhh! Ughhhhhh!" I screamed tugging on his hair my fingers knotting in his hair like a rotary phone cord, "Benny! Benny stop it"

"I'm busy" He muttered barely moving away so much I could feel the vibrations of his voice on me

"Benny!" I whined trying hard not to squirt it felt so good, but he ignored me "Ughhhhh! Uuuuuuhhhh!" I squealed as he slipped two fingers inside me he continued ignoring my whines and pleads as I got closer "Uuuuuuuhhhh! Benny!" I screamed

"I'm busy, Go back to your painting" He smirked getting more intense

"Uhghhhh uhhh benny! Benny!" I screamed getting close struggling to hold it back He continued until I was reaching my peak I tugged his hair hard screaming my sounds bouncing off the walls of the apartment, he let me ride it out before he smirked sitting up and glaring at me "Umm I love you" I giggled giving him a hug

"That's better. I love you too" he smiled giving my head a kiss

[zambie-trashart]

Pixelator: Rewritten Series

guys... UGHHHHHH I know I say this every time but UGHHHHH! Why does season one have to be so hard!!!! I only have three more episodes from season one but I hate season one guys!

Read the whole series

Summary: Jon is sick with a Kryptonian virus and Marinette and Alya get stuck with crappy jobs. So when Pixelator, a maniac with a love for Jagged Stone starts terrorizing Paris, what will a partially pixelated Ladybug, sick Superboy, photographed Chat, and reluctant Robin do?

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Jon rolled around in his bed and Marinette was on the phone with Clark.

“He’s going through something, I’ll be over later but for now, I would just leave him alone. Even if it is a Kryptonian disease, it can affect Earthlings too and if it’s the one I’m thinking of, you don’t want it,” Clark said to his niece.

“Well what am I supposed to do, today us career day and Chloe’s going to make my life a living hell,” Marinette complained.

“Sorry, but he can’t leave the house for any reason, you stay safe now alright Mari?” Clark said before hanging up. 

Marinette ran to the hotel and stood next to Alya.

“Where’s Jon, Marinette?” Miss. Bustier asked looking for her normal shadow.

“He’s really sick, my mom should have called the school this morning,” Marinette said before Miss. Bustier went off into telling each student what their jobs would be. 

Alya and Marinette were left and Alya was assigned trash duty. Before Marinette could get her assignment, pop star Jagged Stone walked into the hotel with his crocodile. 

Marinette was assigned to be a gopher, which meant that she had to go get whatever any of the guests wanted. For Jagged Stone that was a pair of sunglasses in the shape of the Eiffel Tower that were red, white, and blue.

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Jon was giggling in the Fortress of Solitude as his dad scanned him. “Jonathan, hold still!” his father yelled turning around but when he did, his son wasn’t there anymore. “Shit.”

Superboy was floating in front to the hotel that Marinette would be spending the day at. He saw a random man who was dressed weirdly walk in and fire something at Chloe. He flew in and tried to save her but ended up getting pixelated with her.

His head started to clear and he looked around. “Where am I?” Superboy asked getting off the ground.

“Oh. My. God. Superboy!” Chloe yelled jumping on Jon’s back making him fall over.

“Help me,” Jon said looking up to whatever God there was.

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Marinette walked back to the hotel with a pair of shades that she thought would do the trick. Jagged was getting attacked so she transformed but Chat was nowhere in sight. She brought Jagged to her school thinking it was safe there. 

“Are you sure this is safe Ladybug, this is a school?” Damocles asked looking at the heroine and pop idol.

“Yeah, this is somewhere where no one would ever look for him, I mean who wants to go to school?” Ladybug asked before looking at Damocles’ face. “I mean isn’t school awesome?”

She exited the office and bumped into Robin.

“Is your arm gone?” Robin asked looking at her pixelated arm.

“Don’t remind me.” Ladybug rolled her eyes and the two were off. “I haven’t heard from Chat yet which means it’s just the two of us,” Ladybug said.

“I haven’t heard from Superboy but his father said he has some sort of rare kryptonian 24 hour hay fever. Makes him go loopy and stuff. It’s hard to watch,” Robin said thinking about the last time Jon had it. He had two defaults during that time, hugs and vomit.

“That sucks, I know where to look for this guy though. His name is Vincent and he lives in the downtown area of Paris,” Ladybug said and they were off.

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“It just goes on forever, no windows, no doors, nothing,” Adrien said to himself. He looked up and saw Ladybug and Robin standing there. They’re going to get us out of this.

“Superboy? What are you doing here, you are supposed to be in the Fortress!” Robin yelled at a picture. “I guess it’s been 24 hours but you should still be there not here, when we get you out of this you are going back there immediately, got it.” Robin seemed actually concerned for Superboy.

“Yes sir,” Superboy saluted making Ladybug laugh. They left and Adrien was left alone again.

“I’m going to try and make a deal with him and you can sneak up behind him and destroy his headset,” Ladybug said as they ran to the Acr De Triomphe where Pixelator was.

Ladybug let herself be cornered and Robin snuck up behind him just like planned.

“Go Robin!” a random citizen yelled. Good thing Robin had such good reflexes. They dodged beams and Robin hit them with his sword.

“How are you doing that?” Ladybug asked watching as his sword didn’t disappear.

“Nth metal, can withstand anything,” Robin said dodging another blast.

“I could use one of those,” Ladybug said in awe.

“Maybe I can train you sometime,” Robin said before realizing what he just said.

“Let’s focus on this first birdbrain. Lucky charm!” Ladybug called out getting a case of compact.

“Hey Pixelator! I heard you were looking for me!” Jagged yelled getting on top of a car.

“Look into the lens,” he said and as Jagged started to open his eyes, Ladybug threw the compact at Robin who hit it with the handle of his sword and Pixelator was sent into a picture of his own.

“Miraculous Ladybug!” she called and her arm was back. Superboy was lying on the ground in front of Robin and smiled up at him nervously.

“Two more hours, let’s get you back to your dad,” Robin said putting one of Superboy’s arms over his shoulder helping him up.

“Robin, wait!” Ladybug called out making Robin turn around. 

“Yeah.”

“I’d actually like that lesson sometime, seems useful,” Ladybug said and Robin smirked.

“Of course, see you next time,” Robin said grappling off with his friend.

“Robin’s got a girlfriend, Robin’s got a girlfriend!” Jon teased.

“Yeah, and she’s your cousin,” Damian said as they walked through the zeta tubes.

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“Jagged Stone is having a concert today and is giving tickets to the four students who demonstrated the highest work ethic today,” Penny said giving tickets to Alya, Nino, Adrien, and Marinette. 

Later that night at the concert Damian and Jon walked up next to them smiling as they tapped on either side of Marinette making her jump.

“Hey, feeling better Jon,” Adrien asked.

“I’m feline great,” Jon said before laughing at Damian’s face after the pun.

“Let’s just go in,” Damian said. 

“This song goes out to the couple that saved my life Ladybug and Robin!” Jagged said before starting to play the piano. Damian and Marinette blushed and Jon laughed. Couple comment aside, it was a great concert.

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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

yeah that one took a lot out of me. so clearly some will be more focused on one ship rather than the other, this one was obviously more maribat rather than Adrijon but whatever. Some of them make more sense that way.

@loveswifi @ash-amg @wannajointhecrabcult @mochegato

[sl-c]

thoughts {24.1.18 / 10.42pm}

what is wrong with me, why can’t I wake up early anymore

also not enjoying these weekly breakdowns

did enjoy this epic vegan dip i found today

thankful for yoga

still questioning whether to just abandon ship & delete my socials for a while, but if I did that I’d want to completely evac life in general inc. work & I just love work too much

thinking more than ever that I still have some kind of nutrient deficiency or malabsorption 

literally took a pregnancy test this morning because I was sick of waiting for my period & I knew it would come straight after (which it did); kinda like how you don’t do something because you’re waiting for someone but as soon as you decide to do it they actually come

i need to paint something dammit

I really want a holiday, like a 1-2 month break from everything where I can just chill out completely; maybe i’m burning out

can’t wait for renovations

words can’t articulate how good it was to snuggle his puppy today, I don’t know why but when I was breaking down this morning I suddenly had this idea to spend time with his dog & it actually helped so profoundly much; just snuggling a little pooch & absorbing some love

excited to get my new hair style by next week

there’s a lot going on right now

i feel so disconnected & lacking in time for parts of me that are really important

faaaaark do we need to have another talk idk

god i love sleep

i'm actually a little scared about going to work tomorrow, well tbh I’m just scared my brain is going to react to it & whatever pressure comes with it to stir my anxiety/stress/downness even more & I don’t know if I can handle that; at the same time, oh well

i don’t know what to buy at my store with my gift voucher !

still need to: book a dietician appointment, sort out my dentist, get one of piercings sorted out, get lazer done, get my contacts, get a replacement drivers license ughhhhhh

wish I could be more care-free than I am right now

god I had a really rough morning, I literally cried on & off for hours. I’d be totally fine then nek minnut fkn waterfall out of my eyes, a lot of which happened while I was driving which wasn’t ideal. I honestly thought at one point I was going to keep driving until I crossed a border...

why is that I found 2 amazing food products & now that I finished both can’t find them anywhere again D:

looks like I’m going to have to wait another term to start dance; dammit

sometimes i just wondering what the fuck is going on; I feel so weird, like I’m not actually here, like the moment is really happened & it’s fucking weird

I recently discovered someone has been taking advantage of their job to inappropriately expose & take advantage of young women & I don’t know what to do about it. If I call them out publicly, it will most likely completely fuck up their current job thus income & relationship with their spouse; it’s a big call but at the same time something has to be done to stop it

could really do with an intense facial & full body massage, oh mann

night 

[simlovinggirl]

You guys are awesome, doing another reply post because you guys are commenting so much!  I love it :D Seriously I know I say this every time, but your comments always make me smile so thank you so much <3

@dreamersdolls @melien​ @stephaniesim​  @introvertsimmer @amespixels @simsismybae @smilingsection

dreamersdolls replied to your photoset“Sky: “I wasn’t expecting that.” Mist: “I’ve been wanting to kiss you...”

SHE SURE AS HELL BETTER CHOSE SKY!

CHOOSE* WHATEVER!

Seriously just waiting for today’s queue lol xD  Not saying anything, but ..... nope can’t say that either.  Hehe so glad to see your really into their story though! <3

melien replied to your photoset“Pop!”

Aww I love the coloring and her outfit!

One of the things i enjoy the most, is recoloring of outfits to match each generation :D I loooove her pregnancy outfits for her first pregnancy <3

melien replied to your photoset“Mist pulled out a photo of him and showed me.  I can’t describe how it...”

Their baby ;-; he's a sweetie

Isn’t he!  He’s so adorable and grows into being such a heartthrob <3

dreamersdolls replied to your photoset“I was surprised at how much just doing my hair and putting on a decent...”

Yeah, no, honey, you still need to shave.

Oh man, i went through such a debate on having him keep his facial hair or not.  I eventually decided on not wanting him to completely change back to what he looked like in his past life and decided to keep the beard :D I actually kinda like it lol.

Replies to your photoset“Mist: “I’d like you to meet Eric too, he should be home soon.”...”

dreamersdolls replied: TOLD YOU! Bye Eric, Mist can go back to Sky now, you jerk.

stephaniesim replied: My jaw literally dropped...so much for "good guy" like I get that Eric's being protective of Cloud and Mist but you don't just say that kind of thing before you know the whole story

Oh man poor Eric, he’s so hated.  Jealousy will make you say and do some stupid things.  Tbh, you have to kinda feel for the guy.  He literally just married Mist and then Sky showed up and, in his mind, is ruining everything for him.

melien  replied to your photoset“Gah these two are so cute! i can’t handle it… <3 @melien seriously...”

I love how their colours match *-* they're so compatible!

Seriously totally love these colors together.  They look amazing and it just adds to their cuteness as a couple <3 :D

 Replies to your photoset“Eric: “Well I’m sorry, I thought I would be, but let’s be honest.  I’m...”

stephaniesim replied: Like I said before, I know he's just being protective but ughhhhhh he's being such a jerk about ittttt

introvertsimmer replied:  I know you got good intentions but you're being a real tool

There is a graceful way to handle a situation and Eric that was not it.  It’s hard to justify him acting this way, but jealously does make you do dumb things and say things you might regret.  

dreamersdolls replied to your photoset“Mist: “When we talked you said it was fine for him to be here....”

Good Mist!

One thing I’ve always like about Mist is that while she is sweet and kind, she can also handle herself.  She’s a protective little cookie and won’t let anyone disrespect someone else in front of her :) <3

dreamersdolls replied to your photoset“Mist found me a few minutes later.  I had put Cloud down for the night...”

Screw Eric! He knew about her past, he knew what he was getting into.

Weeeell, he knew a bit about her past.  Mist didn’t tell him everything about her and Sky because honestly who would believe that kind of a story?  Still he knew enough not to be an a** to Sky lol.

Replies to your photoset“Late that same evening…”

dreamersdolls replied:  I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling he's going to run wish Cloud...which, really, with Sky around, there's no way he'd pull that off. Sky spent centuries continuously hunting Mist, he's had loads of practice.

amespixels replied:  Uh oh don't you dare

While I think Eric would love to keep Cloud, he’s to good of a guy to do that to Mist.  He wouldn’t want to take Cloud away from her and break her heart. This was simply him saying good-bye <3

dreamersdolls replied to your photoset“Mist: “Eric?  What are you doing up so late…and dressed?” Eric: “I’m...”

Bye bye Eric!

Lmao, this made me laugh so hard.  You really don’t like him do you?  It’s ok, me either.  Only because he got in the way of Sky and Mist xD

stephaniesim replied to your photoset“<3 ”

Lol he does not look happy about being an elder

Lol!  I don’t think he appreciates the new aches and pains xD

Replies to your photoset“He is such an adorable elder!!! <3”

dreamersdolls replied:  Having a birthday while cooking...hopefully he doesn't burn the food.

simsismybae replied:  Cute!!!!!

Isn’t he adorable :D <3 And no he didn’t burn it thankfully lol.  I was seriously worried he was going to start the house on fire, but he didn’t. He did pick the worst time to trigger his age transition xD

smillingsection replied to your photoset“Sky: “Wow, he’s adorable.  He has your beautiful eyes.” Mist: “He...”

i'm so sad he didn't get to be with them :(

Me too :( I think that is one thing that will always eat at Sky is that he missed so much time with Cloud.

[ocpdzim]

this is not tagged with every relevant trigger warning tag because honestly ??? I dont feel up to repeatedly rereading such a long wall of frantic screaming in order to tag everything but there’s a lot and it’s bad and awful and chaotic and REALLY NEGATIVE so proceed with caution if you do want to read it but ofc nobofy has to read it

UGHHHHHHH YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN’T STAND IT   I NEED T O COMPLAIN BUT I CANT TALK TO ANYONE I FEEL SO   AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL I’M SORRY EVERYONE EVEN THOUGH I AM HERE I CANT TALK TO YOU PLEASE DONT TALK TO ME TODAY I WILL JUST FEEL MORE GUILTY BECAUSE  I CANT RESPOND AND I CANT HANDLE IT I CANT TAKE IT I   CANT D  O IT AND I WILL BE FORCED TO PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE BECAUSE I CANT HARDLY STAND TO TELL PEOPLE I AM NOT OK IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD AND GUILT Y BECAUSE REALLY I SHOULD ONLY EXIST TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY BUT I !!! CANT DO IT!!! I’M A BURDEN AND I’M AWFUL AND I HSOULD JUST DIE UGHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY  I do   this shit i run myself headfirst into the dirt fuckgn working for HOURS and not eating or sleeping I work until I get PHYSICALLY ILL  i  HAVENT EATEN ANY THING EXCEPT A DONUT AND HALF A PIECE OF GINGERBREAD TODAY  AND ITS 5:30 PM I CANT HARDLY THINK AND  I ‘M MISERABLE I’M!!!! SO MISERABLE!!!!!! AND I KNOW IT HAS TO BE MY FAULT SOMEHOW AND SO I HAVE MADE UP THIS UNFORGIVABLE TRANSGRESSION THAT PROBABLY ISNT EVEN A BIG DEAL AT ALL WHICH I HAVE NOW CONVINCED MYSELF IS SO HORRIBLE I CAN’T TALK TO ANYONE OR I WILL JUST HURT THEM AND SO EVEN THE IDEAA OF SPEAKING TO ANYONE AT ALL MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I SHOULD RIP MYSELF TO SHRED S AND DIE SO PLEASE DONT SPEAK TO OR OTHERWISE INTERACT WITH ME UNTIL I SAY IT’S OK I really do appreciat e how nice everyone is to me despite how awful I am but right now I really dont need reassurance I need to be alone  kindness will just make me feel guiltier 

thi s is so ridiculous i have this big fucking multiday panic (and the works still not done if its not done tonight I fail and BASICALLY I WANT TO DIE) and so like, I cant face that it’s because of my own procrastination and laziness and failure to accept that my actions have reasonable and practical consequences so you know what  I d o?? you know whtat I’m fucking doing????? right now???? I think desperately to try to figure ou t what could’ve possibly got me in this situation other than procrastination which I cant accept as a cause for?? some reason????? so INSTEAD OF THAT I THINK UP SOME SHIT THAT I ACCIDENTALLY DID MONTHS AGO THAT I DONT THINK ANYONE EVEN NOTICED BUT THAT THERE IS ALSO NO POSSIBLE WAY TO EVER FIX WITHOUT SERIOUSLY HURTING MYSELF AND AT LEAST ONE OTHER PERSON AND I GO “hey, you know what, I think that was unforgivable!!! but there is nothing I can do about it now.” and then I get stuck in this awful hellish loop of feeling like my current work situation and my bad health and being dehydrated is all some fukcign DIVINE PUNISHMENT for this TOTALLY UNRELATED SHIT I DID MONTHS AGO adn then???? then i FLIP THE FUCK OUT AND ISOLATE MYSELF BECAUSE I FEEL SO DAMN GUILTY OVER IT EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX IT AND NOBODY EVEN KNOWS ABOUT IT AND NOBODY CAN EVER KNOW ABOUT IT AND I DIDNT EVEN DO IT ON PURPOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE and then here I am!!!! making a big fuckig scene!!! throwing  a temper tantrum !! worrying everyone!!! because everything has to be all about me all the damn time!!! “ALL EYES ON ME BUT DONT TALK TO ME!!!!” thats what i’m doijg and it’s so fucking, awful and terrible and I feel sick but I cant stop!!! fuck I’m a piece of shit!!!  i am so sorry anyone ever has to put up with me!!!!!! and all this fucking isolation shit is making  it increasingly difficult for me to continue denying to myself that i have ANOTHER FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS that i dont want to admit to having to myself  becuse it feels like i  have ~too many~  already and so if i have another i must be faking!! which doesnt even make any fucking sense because having more doesnt afford me any kind of advantage whatsoever so there’s ?? no reason for that???? but im fucking terrified about it anyway!!!! fuck!!! i’m so afraid that everyone will hate me

o h and just in case someone feels like this is urgent enough they need to talk to meanyway to tell me to stay safe like, please dont worry about it you dont need to i’m not gonna do anything drastic because i have t o finish all this DAMN HOMEWORK and then LIE DOWN AND SLEEP so just, I really appreciate the concern but I cant handle interaction right now and I live with my parents any way and everyone can hear every slight movement or noise since this issuch a n old house so I dont even have the means to do anything anyway ecause someone would come to see what was going on before anything could actually get done like right now my mom just came in here and was liek WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STOOD UP AND WALKED AROUND and I said I havent and wont since I woke up and until I finish all this work I think she intends to bring me some of those awfuk nasty soy dogs in like 40 minutes o something

so like???? Awful(tm)

[internationalmobboss]

all questions sugar tits. k, thanks?

mmmm yes ma’am

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My beautiful girlfriend2. Are you outgoing or shy? I can be both depends on my mood3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My beautiful girl4. Are you easy to get along with? I think so 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Yes6. What kind of people are you attracted to? My girl! That’s it! Noone else! 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Yes8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? My brother9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? I mean ehh10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My girlfriend11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “okayyyy mom”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Ugh my favorite question, i have so many Number 1 is Summer on You 2. What if’s 3. Body Like a back road 4. Ciao Adios 5. Mama 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Oh yes it’s my favorite14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes, I do 15. What good thing happened this summer? Well it’s not summer yet!16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes all day erday 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I believe so 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope19. Do you like bubble baths? Yeah they’re okay20. Do you like your neighbors? NO21. What are you bad habits? I like bounce my leg when i’m sitting22. Where would you like to travel? Everywhere but i do want to go to Bora Bora23. Do you have trust issues? I mean no i dont think so 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Talking to Dario about his day.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? WHERE DO I START, um i dont like my love handles the most26. What do you do when you wake up? Send my goodmorning text :)27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? DARKER28. Who are you most comfortable around? Véronique 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? I don’t talk to them so they can’t tell me. 30. Do you ever want to get married? Yes I do 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? It’s getting there. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? mmm Shay Mitchell33. Spell your name with your chin. hjrtj34. Do you play sports? What sports? I use to play soccer and basketball. Sometimes i play for fun, but I have decided to take up golf this summer. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Nope37. What do you say during awkward silences? Sooo the weather38. Describe your dream girl/guy? My girl is my dream girl 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Express, Polo, Tommy40. What do you want to do after high school? Well i already graduated highschool a while ago. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m angry43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Bottom of the ocean 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? I gots to work, mama needs a g wagon46. What are you paranoid about? Nothing47. Have you ever been high? Yes48. Have you ever been drunk? Yes49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nope50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Red51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes, someone famous. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Um my body probs53. Favourite makeup brand? Ughhhhhh que?54. Favourite store? MMMM Barnes and Nobles 55. Favourite blog? mine! 56. Favourite colour? Blue57. Favourite food? This is a tough one58. Last thing you ate? A granola bar59. First thing you ate this morning? A granola bar60. Ever won a competition? For what? Ugh soccer tournament 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? No No I was good62. Been arrested? For what? No! I would die63. Ever been in love? Yes64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I was little and this guy wanted to show me something under his coat and boom he kissed me in the middle of a hide and seek game65. Are you hungry right now? nope66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I mean all friends are friends67. Facebook or Twitter? I would say Facebook68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? I wish70. Names of your bestfriends?  Véronique, Tanja, Izabela, Amber, Marija71. Craving something? What? My woman ;)72. What colour are your towels? White72. How many pillows do you sleep with? I have 373. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 075. Favourite animal? ughhhhh this is a tough q76. What colour is your underwear? Gray 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? See above79. What colour shirt are you wearing? It’s blue80. What colour pants? They’re tan81. Favourite tv show? PRETTY LITTLE LIARS OMG82. Favourite movie? Wolf of Wallstreet83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 Jump street 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Gretchen Weiners86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? DORY87. First person you talked to today? Véronique 88. Last person you talked to today? Véronique 89. Name a person you hate? I don’t hate anyone90. Name a person you love? Véronique 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? I mean yea92. In a fight with someone? Nope93. How many sweatpants do you have? Like 494. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Limited Idk95. Last movie you watched? It was called Mine, stupidest movie of my life96. Favourite actress? SHAY MITCHELL97. Favourite actor? Ugh Idk Ryan Reynolds98. Do you tan a lot? No99. Have any pets? Nope100. How are you feeling? I’m pretty good.

101. Do you type fast? The fastest102. Do you regret anything from your past? No103. Can you spell well? Yes104. Do you miss anyone from your past? No105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes108. What should you be doing? Working109. Is something irritating you right now? Nope110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Yes111. Do you have trust issues? Nah112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Véronique 113. What was your childhood nickname? Dora114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes115. Do you play the Wii? yes116. Are you listening to music right now? yes117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? eh nah118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah119. Favourite book? Confessions of an Economic Hitman 120. Are you afraid of the dark? No121. Are you mean? No I’m very nice122. Is cheating ever okay? No123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I try real hard, but unfortunately no 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? yeah125. Do you believe in true love? yea126. Are you currently bored? little bit127. What makes you happy? my girl128. Would you change your name? yes129. What your zodiac sign? Taurus130. Do you like subway? yes131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? run132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Véronique 133. Favourite lyrics right now?  Ain't nothing else I would doWhen I spend the summer on you134. Can you count to one million? yes135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i don’t know136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed137. How tall are you? 5′6138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight 139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette140. Summer or Winter? Summer141. Night or Day? Day142. Favourite month? December143. Are you a vegetarian? No144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk145. Tea or Coffee? Tea146. Was today a good day? So far so good147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers148. What’s your favourite quote? I have so many. MMM Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. Swami Sivananda149. Do you believe in ghosts? yes150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? By my watch, its about 4:30 when i park the Buick in the plant lot

(via catscuddlingandyou)