#understanding of what went wrong and our respective [handwaves] cancelled out and didnt actually matter now. so.

[joelletwo]

[its own post and not in the tags] five years later i have spent muuuuuuuuuuch time agonizing over finding the limits of my responsibilities and the exactitudes of my fuckups and how profusely and heartfelt i would apologize for them if he ever came wanting one. however i also suspect unless he got more well-balanced about a lot of things real quick in this time that he would put more blame on me than im interested in taking.

and now that im no longer thinking about this every single day ive lost some of the authenticity of my desire to prostrate myself in repentance and go for the more kneejerk instinct to blame /him/ for more than he was actually responsible for lol. and some like. preemptive unfair irritation at the expectation of him blaming me for things.

and so [avpd wins!] i still think the best option for both of us is to continue not crossing paths and dredging this up lol. bc i think all i could manage politely is the heartfelt but precise apology and then i would have nothing else i wanted to interact w him about without fighting kjsfg. thank u me every day for irritating him into giving up the pretense about wanting to stay friends so i could work this all out in the privacy of my brain and not At him