#unrelated but god I am horrid at drawing hands

[tastymarbar]

very self-indulgent barry x espio (esparry??) doodle because I can and therefore I will.

[palteringcecutiency]

> Psii and DL: Be several kinds of idiots, together.

methodicalauxilium »- C001d you do me a favor ->

palteringcecutiency Depends on what it is, of course.

methodicalauxilium »- Tell me I am being an idiot ->

palteringcecutiency I'm certain I could do that quite easily but do you have a specific reason in mind?

methodicalauxilium »- My alternate descendant apparently being unwilling to talk of me and to all appearances being unnoticeable to history in any significant way in a universe I have abso100tly no direct influence over ->

palteringcecutiency And you wish me to tell you you're an idiot for... being upset about this, I assume?

methodicalauxilium »- Yes -> »- Words seem to have been left out -> »- I am unreasonably upset ->

palteringcecutiency My my. I certainly can't see why you'd be bothered by your alternate's only legacy being something utterly shameful, possibly the part where you got exiled.

methodicalauxilium »- E%actly -> »- It isn't as if I didn't already endure the shame of my a%ions for centuries ->

palteringcecutiency And continue to, if your reaction to this and other incidents are to be counted.

methodicalauxilium »- Apparently -> »- Which is stupid -> »- I sh001d be used to it, and this is a different universe I have no reason to care about ->

palteringcecutiency Not an entirely different universe, one that is directly related to ours. How does one get used to shame from failure? I'd love to know, I certainly could use advice.

methodicalauxilium »- I have no clue, but you w001d think applying a few centuries of being able to think about almost nothing else w001d provide some insight -> »- Perhaps what bothers me so much in this case is it seems you and Caesurae are at least markedly different ->

palteringcecutiency Ah yes, harping. The best of solutions to such things. Jealous, are you, that somehow they eked out better endings and your equivalent did not?

methodicalauxilium »- Apparently not -> »- It turns out for all irrelevancy suits me, I don't like it -> »- Jealous is a word that is unfortunately apt -> »- Though better is not the word either you or Caesurae seem to want to use ->

palteringcecutiency That was sarcasm, Horuss. Harping does nothing but make it worse. I would never have guessed, the proud highblood wanting credit and influence. Perhaps you should work on that here, then, if it matters so much. Cronus escaped a horrid death and I avoided a horrid torturing. The only reason I would not use 'better' is it is a gross understatement.

methodicalauxilium »- I don't think I will ever be tr001y relevant, the universe does seem to like showing that to me consistently -> »- ... yes, it does seem Better over there -> »- For quite a number of people ->

palteringcecutiency You certainly won't if you refuse to do anything to change it. And yet you are hung up on your alternate, and hate that you are.

methodicalauxilium »- I am doing what I enjoy -> »- That sh001d, by all accounts, be enough -> »- And yet ->

palteringcecutiency Things one enjoy come in layers, you realize. You may enjoy what you are doing, but there is clearly more desired.

methodicalauxilium »- Well yes, but this is what I am allowed -> »- And I w001dn't know what to do with more notoriety anyway ->

palteringcecutiency Allowed by whose rulings? Yours? And one does not need to handle notoriety well to achieve it.

methodicalauxilium »- Artiife% -> »- I do not do anything unless I can do it well ->

palteringcecutiency I'm sure you can imagine my eyebrow arched look quite clearly.

methodicalauxilium »- Very -> »- But I may need an e%planation for why ->

palteringcecutiency You are letting your perfectionism get in the way of what you truly want while trying desperately to convince yourself and others that you are fine where you are, and when that does not work, you are blaming another. I believe now is the perfect time for it. You are a fucking idiot.

methodicalauxilium »- At last -> »- I even got a swear ->

palteringcecutiency Such an extreme case called for it.

methodicalauxilium »- Ah, so this is e%treme ->

palteringcecutiency Oh of course. I didn't think I'd find another fatal case of stubborn stupidity but here we are, god bless the multiverse.

methodicalauxilium »- Which was the first ->

palteringcecutiency Kankri.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh -> »- That is quite the case ->

palteringcecutiency It seems fitting for a troll who is sabotaging himself so completely.

methodicalauxilium »- I -> »- Sabotaging myself ->

palteringcecutiency Quite thoroughly.

methodicalauxilium »- And we arrived here from me being annoyed about my alternate ->

palteringcecutiency Obviously. It's a direct line, haven't you been following?

methodicalauxilium »- Up until that last bit ->

palteringcecutiency You want something, in this case notoriety. You want it bad enough to be upset at your alternate for not achieving it. However, when presented with the idea that perhaps you could have it for yourself, you would much rather find every excuse not to do it and then continue doing the same thing as always, while /still/ being upset that you are not magically obtaining what you want.

methodicalauxilium »- I -> »- Well ->

palteringcecutiency Quite the postergrub, aren't you?

methodicalauxilium »- For -> »- Stubborn stupidity, was it? -> »- Or idiocy ->

palteringcecutiency Self sabotage is the one I was thinking of, but those also apply.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh good -> »- Three in one ->

palteringcecutiency I'm sure I could think of another if you'd like, to round it out to four.

methodicalauxilium »- No, I believe that quite satisfied everything I needed -> »- I c001d even say you have already gone above and beyond ->

palteringcecutiency So glad I could help. c:

methodicalauxilium »- Does that smile speak of genuine enjoyment ->

palteringcecutiency Does smugness count?

methodicalauxilium »- Yes ->

palteringcecutiency Then yes.

methodicalauxilium »- Then at least there is that ->

palteringcecutiency I suppose it is too much to consider you actually changing what you're doing instead of huffing in a dark corner, cursing things 'beyond your control.'

methodicalauxilium »- It so happens I am trying to build a reputation better than the former -> »- Which is a process that takes a while ->

palteringcecutiency By falling in line and doing nothing to draw attention to yourself so no one deems you a failure?

methodicalauxilium »- No ->

palteringcecutiency Oh? Then what is it that you would call what you're doing?

methodicalauxilium »- I am doing what people need me to do -> »- That is what I do ->

palteringcecutiency Lord, Horuss. You're talking in circles and proving me more and more right every time.

methodicalauxilium »- I like doing that -> »- What is wrong with it ->

palteringcecutiency The part where you are unhappy with where it is getting you, perhaps? Or should I go with the self-sabotage part?

methodicalauxilium »- I am unhappy about what happened on Alternia -> »- And I am not sabotaging myself ->

palteringcecutiency So unhappy in fact, you're going to do the exact same thing here and hope you get a different result.

methodicalauxilium »- I believe what made me unhappy was being useful to no one -> »- Do feel free to tell me I am wrong ->

palteringcecutiency Ah yes. Useful to no one. All that nothing you did for centuries, being Makara's right hand troll. Yes, I can definitely see where you're getting that. In case you've missed the sarcasm again, this is me telling you that you're wrong. c:

methodicalauxilium »- I believe this conversation is going nowhere ->

palteringcecutiency Oh is it now? How sudden.

methodicalauxilium »- You are equating me being upset about the last portion of my previous life with being upset about the whole thing -> »- You regret the last portion of your life, but do you regret the time you spent with Vantas? -> »- I  do not regret trying to be useful to society, even as misguided as the goals I helped those around me strive for often were -> »- But teaching is something I chose to do, without outside interference -> »- I am making a difference in the lives of my students, and even if it isn't the notoriety I wanted on Alternia, or even Beforus, it is something I am proud to be doing -> »- And I do not take kindly to you calling it self sabotage that I am pursuing different goals here than I did in my former lives ->

palteringcecutiency Finally, participation. c:

methodicalauxilium »- It seemed personal ->

palteringcecutiency It is not that I am referring to when I speak of self-sabotage. I mean more the fact that you are upset and regretful of what happened on Alternia, especially your exile, and wish for something better here, but are far more invested in finding reasons that you /can't/ than finding ways that you /can/. Goals have nothing to do with it, the situations are far too different to expect them to be the same.

methodicalauxilium »- You have completely lost me ->

palteringcecutiency Fuck, give me a moment, that was the handholding version. Which part lost you?

methodicalauxilium »- How the hell am I sabotaging myself for doing what I enjoy ->

palteringcecutiency By having those be two unrelated topics.

methodicalauxilium »- I am sabotaging myself by doing what I enjoy ->

palteringcecutiency Horuss, you're sabotaging yourself by insisting you can't have what you want, how hard is this to wrap your head around?

methodicalauxilium »- Apparently, very ->

palteringcecutiency Apparently!

methodicalauxilium »- Thank you, for making me realise that what I was really doing wrong was saying something I c001d have sworn I didn't say ->

palteringcecutiency

»- It turns out for all irrelevancy suits me, I don't like it -> Perhaps you should work on that here, then, if it matters so much. »- I don't think I will ever be tr001y relevant, the universe does seem to like showing that to me consistently -> You certainly won't if you refuse to do anything to change it. And yet you are hung up on your alternate, and hate that you are. »- I am doing what I enjoy -> »- That sh001d, by all accounts, be enough -> »- And yet -> Things one enjoy come in layers, you realize. You may enjoy what you are doing, but there is clearly more desired. »- Well yes, but this is what I am allowed -> »- And I w001dn't know what to do with more notoriety anyway -> Allowed by whose rulings? Yours? And one does not need to handle notoriety well to achieve it. »- Artiife% -> »- I do not do anything unless I can do it well ->

You were saying.

methodicalauxilium »- Those first several statements were bitter -> »- And in direct reference to the fact that I was unreasonably upset, despite logic -> »- And Artiife% is literally preventing me from doing more -> »- He monitors what I do to make sure I don't teach the children hemist bigotry, and won't let me do more than teach math at the moment because he doesn't trust me with literature or history or anything of that kind where not one, but two lifetimes of bias may come through -> »- I want more, but I have to prove I am not like I used to be anymore -> »- And that happens to involve proving I am trustworthy -> »- So I /am/ happy where I am -> »- I /am/ working towards the goal that will get me the notoriety I want, in the manner I want it -> »- And I am doing it in a way that makes me comfortable, instead of following the e%act dire%ion of a system that did not have the best interests of the full population in mind -> »- The only thing I was upset about was the fact I was unable to get my mind off of my direct alternate -> »- Which, let me remind you, I knew was stupid -> »- Because I /am/ doing what I want -> »- I /am/ working towards a better life -> »- And even if I didn't want a second, or as it happens to be, third chance -> »- I am damn well trying to make the best of it -> »- And e%cuse me if I really don't think this is 'sabotaging myself' -> »- And as much as I say I want 'notoriety', it makes me uncomfortable to have people recognize me in the streets -> »- I just want to be important -> »- And I am ->

palteringcecutiency ...well.

methodicalauxilium »- I appreciate your attempt to help, but I don't think you understood me -> »- I value talking to you, and your insight -> »- But this time, you came to an incorrect conclusion -> »- I apologize for phrasing things in a way that led you to those inferences -> »- I was attempting to vent, but I seem to have gone about it in entirely the wrong way ->

palteringcecutiency ...no, this was my misunderstanding. I apologize.

methodicalauxilium »- Thank you ->

palteringcecutiency ...I suppose you're still rather upset, since I... disrupted, your venting?

methodicalauxilium »- Ah -> »- Well, regardless of how you did it, you distracted me from my upset -> »- So -> »- I am significantly less annoyed than I was before ->

palteringcecutiency ...I'm glad I could help, if terribly.

methodicalauxilium »- But -> »- Even still, you are right about one thing -> »- Regardless of the utter lack of logic in it, I am still upset that my alternate descendant has reason to be too ashamed to talk of me -> »- And I am jealous that you and Caesurae, and even Arlequin, got a different ending -> »- But as far as I can tell, I remained the same -> »- I don't even /know/ if I did -> »- But I certainly know that your alternate started a major software company that lived on -> »- And Caesurae literally lived on -> »- And Arlequin has a quadrant that isn't just Herself -> »- And Karkat can be a threshecutioner, as himself, without being killed, which says a lot about the state of the universe -> »- But I am not worth noting beyond 'my kismesis won't talk about it' ->

palteringcecutiency It is not an utter lack of logic, it is not as if your jealousy comes from nowhere. Those two gush about those three and have nothing about you, not even when you prod for it, aside from vague shame. It could easily be maddening. I'd be more surprised if you weren't upset.

methodicalauxilium »- It is good to know there is some sense to it -> »- It still rather annoys me that I am so bothered by someone I've never met, who is very likely dead ->

palteringcecutiency Someone who is your direct alternate rather than some stranger that shares your name, you mean. Literally you in a life different than yours. And you're not the only one, though personally I wish that timeline never found Tumblr rather than being annoyed at myself.

methodicalauxilium »- I imagine there is literally no way to feel good about this -> »- I e%pected to feel glad that I wasn't mentioned, rather than learning about all the embarrassing 'c001d have been's -> »- But either option is awkward and disheartening in a peculiar way ->

palteringcecutiency I imagine you're correct, bah.

methodicalauxilium »- Bah, indeed -> »- I wonder what changed their timeline so much ->

palteringcecutiency I cannot even begin to fathom. The biggest start of change I've seen yet is Cronus surviving his meeting with Makara. Something else fucking happened then, he came out a different troll beyond just alive.

methodicalauxilium »- Hm -> »- I honestly wonder if anything was different for me, if that is when change began -> »- By then, I was already e%iled ->

palteringcecutiency Perhaps? Were you alive still when that happened? I am still unsure of how things lined up.

methodicalauxilium »- Yes -> »- I am fairly sure those events were rather close together, in fact ->

palteringcecutiency Well, yes, I was still a troll, but I was uncertain how long you lived in solitude.

methodicalauxilium »- A very long time -> »- I died of old age, rather than anything interesting -> »- I believe there was another uprising stirring -> »- I haven't a%ually gotten a clear idea of what happened after my e%ile, for the most part -> »- Just rumors -> »- And I have no idea what happened after my death ->

palteringcecutiency The Summoner's, perhaps? I was in space long before the banishment of the adults, but I did my best to try to keep track of as much as I could, for as long as I could.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh, probably -> »- I am not entirely sure, my memory wasn't as good as it c001d have been -> »- It is quite nice to not be old, at the very least ->

palteringcecutiency I can imagine. ...though I have never experienced it, myself. Nor really seen it.

methodicalauxilium »- It isn't something often seen, especially from c001b100ds ->

palteringcecutiency It also did not help that I was on the Battleship with Her, and lifespans were remarkably shorter there, or ridiculously longer.

methodicalauxilium »- Yes, she did have a habit of e%tending lives whenever it was convenient -> »- I lived longer than I sh001d have, though of course I aged normally after my e%ile ->

palteringcecutiency ...as did I, unfortunately.

methodicalauxilium »- Apologies ->

palteringcecutiency You hardly need apologize. You did not remind me, it is something literally etched into my skin. I could not forget if I tried.

methodicalauxilium »- I am still learning your boundaries -> »- I don't want to make you uncomfortable ->

palteringcecutiency ...it does not help that they change, depending on the night and how it is going. But tonight is a good enough night, talk of the helm and Her will not make me uncomfortable easily.

methodicalauxilium »- So long as you are willing to communicate with me, I am willing to do what I can to accommodate for how you are feeling -> »- I am glad you are having a good night ->

palteringcecutiency I am glad as well, things are far easier on good nights. Less tiring.

methodicalauxilium »- I have been worried about you, recently ->

palteringcecutiency ...what? Whyever for?

methodicalauxilium »- Perhaps it is coincidence that I seem to have managed to talk to you on a fair few bad nights -> »- Plus your altercation with Caesurae ->

palteringcecutiency Those are hardly something to worry about, I can't see why you'd bother.

methodicalauxilium »- Perhaps, maybe, feelings of friendship -> »- I do happen to care for you, you know ->

palteringcecutiency ...ah. I. Didn't, no.

methodicalauxilium »- I had thought it obvious, considering I actively seek out your company -> »- But if it isn't, I will just have to say it outright -> »- Even if you may not reciprocate -> »- I care for you, and consider you a friend ->

palteringcecutiency There are many reasons one may seek out one's company, but. ...it is certainly reciprocated, I count you among my friends readily, and worry myself over you. Needlessly, probably, but the fact remains.

methodicalauxilium »- I am -> »- Incredibly flattered ->

palteringcecutiency As well you should be, it's rather an exclusive club.

methodicalauxilium »- I believe you make four ->

palteringcecutiency That delights me more than it should.

methodicalauxilium »- I believe I w001d be the same ->

palteringcecutiency You are... two and a half. For me. If we are not counting my family, I am. Unsure if they would or not. They're their own category in my mind.

methodicalauxilium »- I think so, but as you like -> »- I am still e%ceptionally flattered ->

palteringcecutiency Five and a half with, then. Which is not that many, still. Hardly more than you. Which makes me equally flattered.

methodicalauxilium »- E%clusive club indeed -> »- Thank you, for letting me vent ->

palteringcecutiency Of course. c: I'm glad I could help, as much as I did.

methodicalauxilium »- You did help -> »- Even if there was some miscommunication ->

palteringcecutiency Then I'm glad I could help. c:

methodicalauxilium (◠ ◡ ◠　)

palteringcecutiency And you were calling me adorable. Ha.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh -> »- Ah -> »- I don't think the label suits -> »- But thank you ->

palteringcecutiency If you insist my emotes are, that one certainly qualifies.

methodicalauxilium »- Perhaps ->

palteringcecutiency Perhaps nothing.

methodicalauxilium »- I seem to be flustered ->

palteringcecutiency Over doing something cute? How curious. c:

methodicalauxilium »- Ah -> »- Nevermind ->

palteringcecutiency Come now, do you truly expect me to walk away from this? Noble blueblood, flustering because of an emote and a word. Careful, I might not think just the emote qualifies. Not if you keep this up. c:

methodicalauxilium »- Oh dear ->

palteringcecutiency c:

methodicalauxilium »- I do not deserve this ->

palteringcecutiency I'm afraid you do. c: This is what happens when you associate with me, and you've certainly declared your intent to continue, haven't you?

methodicalauxilium »- I e%pected derision and sarcasm -> »- I didn't e%pect this ->

palteringcecutiency Oh, those come as well, do not worry about missing those. But I would not be who I am without constant merciless teasing.

methodicalauxilium »- Curses -> »- I sh001d have known ->

palteringcecutiency It's too late now, you showed appreciation and will never be rid of me.

methodicalauxilium »- I suppose this is what I deserve, then ->

palteringcecutiency I'd offer my condolences but I'm far too amused.

methodicalauxilium »- I think I may have disappear to recover ->

palteringcecutiency Hiding will only delay the inevitable, but if you must.

methodicalauxilium »- The inevitable being ->

palteringcecutiency The teasing to begin again. Or are you planning on vanishing forever?

methodicalauxilium »- I am vaguely considering it ->

palteringcecutiency Goodness, so soon? :c Woe, the ranks shrink again, you shall be missed Noble Darkleer, as will your adorable emotes.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh goodness -> »- I c001dn't possibly deny that sadface -> »- And being called Noble ->

palteringcecutiency Excellent. c: My plan worked perfectly.

methodicalauxilium »- I have once again fallen victim to your plots ->

palteringcecutiency Mwah ha ha, as they say.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh my god -> »- That is ridic001ous enough when you hear it -> »- It is even more so, typed ->

palteringcecutiency You are quite welcome.

methodicalauxilium »- If only you had said it in person -> »- You may have managed to hear me laugh ->

palteringcecutiency Oh really? Well, I'll have to remember that. Certainly can't let that slip through my fingers.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh no, I have revealed that I am not, in fact, an emotionless robot ->

palteringcecutiency Was that supposed to be a secret? Goodness, my apologies, I already knew. Besides, the emotionless machine is me. c: And I refuse to share my spotlight.

methodicalauxilium »- I am fairly sure you have at least two emotions ->

palteringcecutiency Oh? Do tell.

methodicalauxilium »- :c and c: ->

palteringcecutiency Heh. I am torn between protesting that they cover far more situations than just two, or assuming you meant all of that at once as a solitary emotion.

methodicalauxilium »- Oh, yes, they definitely cover more than two situations, but I did say at least so I am grammatically in the clear ->

palteringcecutiency Clever clever.

methodicalauxilium »- I do like to think so ->

palteringcecutiency You have your moments. c:

methodicalauxilium »- Now I am really flattered ->

palteringcecutiency As you should be.

methodicalauxilium »- I have to find some way to repay the favor ->

palteringcecutiency I look forward to your attempts. c:

methodicalauxilium »- I think I need a good night's sleep to be able to manage it decently ->

palteringcecutiency Then I wish you luck with obtaining restful sleep, and wait for it patiently.

methodicalauxilium »- Are you going to attempt to sleep soon as well? ->

palteringcecutiency I'd been considering it, I suppose.

methodicalauxilium »- Perhaps you c001d attempt it -> »- Good night, Mituna ->

palteringcecutiency I will give it a try. Sleep well, Horuss.