#update: literally about to get a root canal what the hell

[eye-merely-jest]

silly jester kurt because of fucking course tumblr user "eye merely jest" was going to do this at some point. 'cause HEAR ME OUT ACTUALLY he'd actually be an excellent court fool for so many reasons like he's already got that silly and whimsical (autismed.) charm that all the bestest fools have and he's acrobatic and agile and PLEASE IT WORKS I SWEAR

[chemicallyimbalanced-shadowling]

Another life update and storytime in case anyone cares ❤️

I made a bunch of dentist appointments to get everything wrong with my teeth (which is a lot) fixed and I’m real proud of myself.

Lemme backtrack and give some context..

I’ve always been absolutely mortified when it comes to the dentist. My anxiety spikes out of control and when I say I’d be on edge I mean not only figuratively but literally too. But even though I hate dentists I used to never take good care of my teeth at all so there was always something wrong with them. When I was really little I jumped straight out of my chair and started screaming and running away and the dentist had to leave my older sister alone quick while he caught me and brought me out to my mother over his shoulder which I’m sure was awful and embarrassing. I remember after that my mother would always give me some medicine to make me sleepy before we left for my appointments because I would be too scared from the jump and put up a fight when they tried to put the gas mask on. When I was 14, mama took me to a sedation dentist. I took all 3 pills but still walked in wide awake and they accused my mom of selling the pills. They took me in anyway but couldn’t give me more medicine since I did take all the pills so they only numbed me but I was so scared even though I was numb and I cried the entire time and the dentist yelled at me for crying and told me it was my fault and to shut up. After that I didn’t go back to the dentist until I was 20. I had a shit ton wrong and I needed a tooth pulled but they don’t use gas at the dentist I have to go to now so I was terrified. The moment I got in the car I started shaking, and the moment I sat down in the chair I couldn’t breathe and yet again cried the whole time. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and felt so damn pathetic. After that I didn’t go back until a few days ago.

So now here we are.

I was and still am having the worst tooth pain of my whole damn life. So I scheduled an appointment to go back in and figure out what to do. Basically, and I’m really embarrassed about this but I’m exposing myself anyways, I need 8 fillings, 2 root canals with crowns, 1 crown on a non-root canal, and gum treatments to reverse gingivitis. Luckily my school loan refund came in literally that morning and I had more than enough money to pay for everything straight up after insurance (thank GOD for insurance).

Right after my initial exam a couple days ago I got my first of two gum treatments which included getting a major cleaning and some antibiotics put in my gums. That wasn’t bad at all, I’ve always been fine with cleanings. Today I got prepped for my non-root canal crown. So I now have a temporary crown on my tooth until they get the official one in and cement it into my mouth. I didn’t cry once, though I was shaking and wanted to leave. I was terrified. But I got through it without crying and honestly I’m so proud of myself. But on Monday I have an appointment to get 5 of the 8 fillings all at once and it’ll take an hour and a half and I’m scared as hell and I don’t think I’ll be able to get through that many at once but I don’t wanna have to deal with a third fillings appointment you know? Then in a couple weeks I’ll get my two root canals (I’m terrified) and get the permanent crown put on the tooth that I got prepped today. A week later I’ll have the preps for my two crowns on my root canals (yeah I’m terrified) and my probably my last three fillings (terrified again) and maybe my second gum treatment appointment.

But yeah. Sorry that was so long!

Tldr; I’m terrified of the dentist but I made appointments finally and I’m proud of myself but I’m still scared out of my mind

[canimal]

I’m so done with this fandom. Literally every single day as I update Last Year I wonder why I’m still here. It can be so nasty and stressful. This is our HOBBY! It’s supposed to be FUN! What the hell is with all of the entitlement?

Writers get insulted on a daily basis for simply trying to enjoy their hobby. Our stories aren’t updated quickly enough (or they’re updated TOO much, if you can imagine people actually complaining about that, but I promise they do 🙄). Our stories are too boring or they’re too short or they’re too long or the reader doesn’t like the pairing... or they’re angry that a story that is NOT marked as a ‘Romance’ isn’t a Romance. Our interpretations of the characters (even those with next to nothing in canon) are wrong because they don’t like them. We are called “greedy Bitches” for wanting reviews... you know, so we can find out if people are actually enjoying the story or if we are just wasting our time. The list goes on and on and on ad nauseum.

I just want to be happy and share my stories because I think there are others out there who might like them. None of us signed up to be bitched at or insulted or to be told to kill ourselves over freaking Fanfiction!

If you’re not being kind to your Fanfiction writers, either start immediately or just leave. Don’t be so selfish that you start demanding they update or else. Leave them encouraging reviews because you never know which days the ONLY words they’ve heard are from entitled assholes who want to list all of the ways in which they suck. Every single story that you consume was written for FREE by someone just wanting to have fun. Nothing makes people stop a hobby more often than when that hobby no longer becomes fun.

Some days writing in this fandom is more stressful than my job and my personal life all crammed together. And that was even when I had the worst boss in the history of bosses and I was in the midst of a violently crumbling marriage! Authors leave when the thing that they’re doing to help them relax no longer relaxes them. No one’s hobby should be more stressful than their job. No one should see a root canal as an acceptable escape from their HOBBY!

Be kind. Many of us are struggling in our personal lives and are about one hateful review or FB post away from packing up and finding somewhere else to have fun.

PSA

I am so close to just absofuckinglutely removing myself from all things fandom related. 

People really need to stop.  Just fucking stop thinking you are OWED something by authors. 

You most certainly are not. 

If an author misses an update - boo fucking hoo. They’ll update again eventually. 

Don’t automatically turn into a screeching fucking harpy because OMG WHERE IS THE XYZ UPDATE?!!?!?!?!?! 

Fuck you. It’s not here. Sorry not sorry, move the fuck along.

YOU. ARE. NOT. OWED. ANYTHING.

You are GIVEN a gift, OFFERED freely by the author. 

When you were a child did you ever look at people on your birthday and scream WHERE’S MY PRESENT?!

No? Why? Because you understood that gifts are just that and if you act that way you won’t get any more, right? 

Same fucking concept. 

And another thing, if after you act like Veruca Salt, you insult anyone who dares say that your behavior is ugly (especially one of my friends) don’t be surprised when I come at you hard. 

Fuck you and your bitch ass. You still owe my girl an apology.

No wonder so many authors are burning out or leaving altogether. I’m tempted to peace the fuck out myself. 

[stress-bob]

HERE WE GO

Ok. Worked out, cleaned my room, paid credit card payment, paid rent, posted my probably-wont-make-progress-but-maybe progress picture, and smoked a bowl. My body is ready.

So I was talking about what happened around the time Dea and I broke up recently with a friend, and made me think that it’s been awhile since i’ve sorted through it. Figured why not put as much as I can remember down ~a year and a half later.

Buckle up buttercup,This gonna be looooooooong.

My order of things might be a little muddled, there was a lot going on at the same time.

So let’s back up to before we actually broke up!

For about a year prior I was getting real stressed out about my job. I was in a customer service position working for her Dad actually. He owned a Diesel shop, and had a Company owner in Italy who he was buddies with. Marco (italy guy), asked him to set up a place in the US to service his customer base.

I was going to college at the time, and decided I didn’t want to pass up a really interesting opportunity. I’m mostly glad I did. Anyway, I dropped out to work full time here and ended up making some good money. Most of what I did was answer phone calls and help people solve issues (99.9% of the time they caused) . At some point we started going to trade shows, and that was super super fun. I would fly out, set up a pop up tent and the whole shebang.

I was also sent to Mexico two different times for something similar. Except this one, it was with our distributor who was huge. They took their top 100 dealers on a “land cruise” (used to be an actual one, but they do resorts now), and about 25 manufacturers would pay ~20k to fund and attend this. During 3 of the 6 days, the 100 dealers would be set up at tables or 5. Basically think of speed dating. We’d each go around and give a 30 minute pitch about our product to these guys, answer questions, etc. I believe it was 4-5 hours each of the 3 days. You’d think an introvert like me would have a hard time with that, but it was actually a BLAST.

So what was the issue with the job?

Two big things. Dea’s dad (Rip), and a co worker of mine. I worked with a buddy of mine Adam, and he was fantastic. But we had this other co worker who was an old hick from Idaho (buddy of Rip’s) who was to handle our forum and some online stuff. For most of the time I worked with him it was fine. At some point he got really nasty. We had our own forum going on, and a buddy of his helped set it up for us. There were a lot of stupid things that happened surrounding that.

So eventually he’s outright hurling insults at me basically daily on the private side of this form (for a WHILE), and Rip wouldn’t do shit about it. On top of that, Rip had his own shitshow of a shop to run on top of it, and he’s old and tired. But he wouldn’t really give us the autonomy we needed so we could prioritize and get things done with what we had. We can’t be expected to try to learn fucking SEO while answering calls, updating the website, doing sales etc etc infinity fucking etc. Too much do be done with two people, and it was all expected to be done.

Eventually I was donezos, sent him a longwinded 2000 word email about exactly what I had problems with and why i was leaving (prob still have it).

So during the culmination of my work bullshit, that’s when Dea and I’s problems are starting to come to a crossroad. To be completely fair with myself, this was a long time coming. Tbh not sure exactly how long, but it probably should have been over before this went down.

We’ve always had communication problems. I think fundamentally we just don’t understand each-other well. Sure we both could have pointed out a lot of habits and what each would have done in certain situations, things we liked. But that’s not really the type of understanding i’m talking about.

The first time I realized something might happen is when she asked me about how I felt about polyamory. It’s something I had thought about before, because other women are definitely attractive. But with how long we’d been together, I knew it would bring up a lot of really jealous feelings that wouldn’t be pretty. So when she asked, I answered pretty matter-of-factly that it wasn’t going to work for me.

Looking back she was watching a lot of shows about poly life around this time, fun tidbit.

I wouldn’t say this answer upset her necessarily....but she was clearly idk, put off? Maybe disappointed.

IIRC she eventually asked again, and my answer remained the same. I think this was what spurred the discussion of “I don’t know if this what I want”. I did know what I wanted. She didn’t. What else can I do but wait until she does figure it out? I’m not that type of person that’s going to try and influence her. I could have tried to convince her she would be happy if she stayed or some bullshit. I loved her, and if not being with me is the way it needs to be? Them’s the breaks. I was also so SO tired emotionally. I had nothing left to give at that point.

So she breaks up with me. I think I left to walk to 7-11 at this point, because I needed a break. I don’t actually remember that well. I wasn’t around her right then, regardless. Maybe we were in our room when we broke up. Anyway Not that long after she breaks up with me(5 mins, half hour?), she’s crying and didn’t want to break up.

And of course I didn’t either. That lasted about a month, and she does it for real. Now here’s where the fun stuff started!

Sometime before or shortly after this I found out my Mom has an autoimmune disease that will kill her sooner or later. It’s very possible this is what her contributed to her mom dying when I was 8. So scary stuff yeah?

I quit my job, because FUCK that noise. It was too much.

I stayed living in the same house, but different room. Big mistake. I trusted her ability to communicate too much. Not that mine was stellar (we’ll get into this).

My parents divorce. Which hey, go be happy Mom! Again, sorry Dad, them’s the breaks. Happened to me to not even a month prior. But no, they both decided to be giant shitters. I think my Mom definitely did worse things to him, and to the family. He definitely said some nasty shit too though.

My mom decides to encourage my dad to go visit some family in Ohio (maybe he was thinking about it already? he reconnected with them recently at this point). By the time he comes back, she has a “friend” staying in the house. I feel like she said he was just staying for a while. Well my dad aint dumb, and this is the guy that has been in love with my mom forever, apparently.

She lied to the family a bunch, introduced my sisters kid to Frank even though she SPECIFICALLY told her not to. Her fucking kid’s grandparents split up. Shes like 7 for fucks sake. My sister was LIVID. Like didn’t let my mom see her granddaughter for many months livid. It’s hard to get that trust back. On top of lying to my sister plenty etc etc.  I don’t even want to get into frank right now.

I also had about 9 grand saved up at this point, and decided to not work for awhile and take care of my mental state. I literally could not work anymore after the breakup, and my parents bullshit. Another side note, but a root canal decided to cost me $1500 out of pocket a few months in. Probably like $2k total with the other stuff. Great timing, life. I think I was doing a “staycation” for like, 8 months? ish?

So here I was, jobless (had $$ tho tbf), freshly broken up with, super fucking depressed, stuck in the middle of my parents bullshit when i don’t even have enough for myself (and i’m a grown ass fucking adult too)[[, and just generally lost. Really really lost.

I just remembered. Something that made me pretty angry at the time (guess what leads to resentment?). Very shortly after we broke up, Jordan (the good friend he is), decides to try and set up a guys night for me at john’s house (jordan lived with karis at this point). Of course the bros say “hell yeah!” as they are wonderful. We invite Dex too, because why not?

The time rolls around, Jordan can’t go. Dex does show up at some point. Here’s what happened: Dea was really hurt because people were all getting together to make me feel better, i guess? I don’t remember the wording but....i think she felt like nobody was being her friend in that moment I guess? It was her home alone. And for context we got together every saturday for years pretty much, so I do kinda get it. She was also actually pretty mad at Dex because he showed up. She didn’t invite ANYBODY to do anything. So Jordan had to stay with Karis to comfort her, basically.

Like dude. YOU broke up with me. I get it was also really hard for you too, but put the shoe on the other foot for a goddamned second and consider how I felt in all this. Also consider I didn’t set any of this up. Also consider that you didn’t tell anybody that you needed a friend. I did. Don’t get mad at us for this, fuck.

Here’s where the “this-is-why-i-shoulda-moved-out” happens.

Let me say this up front. I expected Dea to bring back dates. This was definitely part of the deal of still living there. I get it. And I did figure she will be comfortable finding someone sooner, given the poly thing.

She brought someone over about 2 months after we broke up, and had mentioned nothing about this.

Now how this played out, was the night before she says “Hey i’m gonna have a friend over tomorrow”. I just say ok. Didn’t really matter because I didn’t have anywhere I could just go on moments notice like that. Coupla days to figure it out woulda been nice, thanks.

Turns out, it’s a dude that been over before. He was Taylors husband (they were poly before they split) who was at our holloween party like half a year before. To top it off, I got to hear the wonderful sounds of them having sex down the hall. Fucking thanks for that. Happened twice too.

You just shut down yeah? Or maybe that’s just me. How am I supposed to feel 2 months after breaking up a 9 year, third of my fucking life relationship, and within 2 months you’re banging a dude while i’m like 2 rooms over AND CAN HEAR YOU. And a dude that’s been over before for the cherry. FUCK man. I still get a little animated about that one.

Those were the big things. A great way to wrap up the whole burrito though? Dex and I were both given 1 months notice to leave from Rip. MY understanding of the local law was that 2 months is required if you’ve been month to month for more than 1 year (6 years...). He didn’t care, or knew I wouldn’t lawyer up. Whatever. The last and final fuck you was the day I went to get the rest of my shit. BEFORE the time on the notice, the locks were changed. Here I am, at 8 in the morning with a U haul we rented, and we can’t get in the house to get my stuff. What. The. Flying. Fuck.

I sure as shit wasn’t going to talk to Dea at ALL at this point, so I called him and he came down. And he sat there the entire time waiting for us and doing bills. Jesus fuck dude. Like, you think i’m gonna murder your daughter or something ffs?

I think I got most of it. I’ve got some stuff with my current living situation, but it’s really peanuts compared to everything else. I‘m also like, idk fairly happy right now too in general so. I’ve grown a lot, and that gives me some comfort.