#v. a blade forged by will . gotei

[burdenedreverence]

Hayden did not come as far as he had, to simply come this far. He had fought, and killed, and died in the name of something greater than him. Did he have a chip on his shoulder? Surely. He was young, bold, and arrogant. Where other men dared not go, he ventured forth.

It is why she so wounds his pride, when she is around. She buzzes and prances and strikes at his vulnerabilities. She sees through his iron shell, and with words that pierce like steel tipped arrows. It only infuriates him further that she surpasses him in raw Hakuda skill, it is only by his raw strength and speed that he contests her.

He sighs, deeply, his chest rising and falling as his head tilts backwards. Arms spread wide in the bench, he is exhausted. Physically and emotionally. He tries to not think about that damned woman, with her graceful lethality that seems to effortless or the natural beauty of her form-

His eyes open, his head shakes. 'God dammit.' The words ring in his head, looking around. As if anyone could possibly read his mind to know he thought that, or frankly cared.

Ever since that night, she has plagued his private moments. And it has become frustrating.

There is some part of him that wishes to find her, challenge her right now. Another part that wishes to extend a hand towards her, cusp her cheek, and say something profoundly idiotic. He was a fool like that, the worst type of man. But still, regardless, he wanted to find her.

If it was to fight her, or make a damned idiotic choice, was yet to be determined. Another broken nose would be worth it, he'd wager.

@waspandr

[burdenedreverance]

The Importance of Duty and Choice

du·ty

noun

a moral or legal obligation; a responsibility.

choice

noun

an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.

If someone hasn’t guessed a big theme of this blog is the overarching idea of ‘duty’ and ‘choice.’ At what point does someone’s responsibilities end and the consequences of choosing. I like to believe that in writing the character that is Hayden I’ve somewhat developed a throughline in his threads and asks, that he feels obligated to use his natural abilities for a ‘just cause.’ Often times that manifests in a physical bravery and moral courage, as it is the easiest that comes to him. 

But a big question people might have is why does he feel compelled to act this way? When one takes a duty onto them it is usually by some outside force more often than not; society, work, religion, etc. These external forces which speak of responsibility and the burdens we share as a collective. That is not always the case. It has been well documented that an individual might simply feel compelled to aide in the public good, for no reason other than it is the right thing to do. Regardless of the sacrifice to themselves, or livelihood. It is why we place such high emphasis on personal responsibility and personal sacrifice. You do not have to do these things, you choose to. 

Hayden falls into the latter category, of those who merely feel compelled to look after his fellow man because they are human. That by merit of sentience, existence, and common history he has a responsibility to look after them. To fight the battles that some cannot. He was born with a higher-than-average physical ability, and he is a strong-willed man. If he was born with more wit, perhaps smarter, then he might turn those attributes to the common good. 

But he was not. By circumstance and the choices he made, it has made him a fighter. A warrior. His duty isn’t to merely offer his life, to die, it’s to achieve something in the process of it. If by living his life he can better those around him, himself, and the world; than that is his duty. It’s also his choice. I think it’s important to recognize that. That he doesn’t follow dogma merely because of the faction or organization he serves, if he did then his duty would end and begin where they told him it did. 

Is it tragic? Maybe. I don’t particularly see it as that. I don’t think Hayden’s story is particularly sad, to me at least. I think it has elements of sadness, of strife. It also has reassuring moments of victory and vulnerability. He falters, he fails, he grows. When someone is guided by their heart, they’re gonna make the wrong choices. It’s accepting those choices, learning from them, that matters more. 

It might even seem idealistic, or naive. After all, choosing to suffer on the behalf of those who would regard you little is an net loss. There are some people who will never improve, some people who are beyond saving. There are values that you could potentially attach to the lives of people in dangerous situations. ‘Should I protect myself because my worth and skills are of more use than that of this child? This random civilian?’ The answer is always the same for Hayden. It may not be the right answer, it may not even be the sensible answer. 

Circling back. Duty and choice. Responsibility. Burdens are not easy to bear. 

He chooses to be obligated to the world. ‘If not me then who?’ You can’t begin to change the world, or even those around you, without mastering yourself. And these standards, yes standards, he sets for himself is in the hopes that those after him does better than he ever could. The biggest misconception of Hayden is that he thinks he can do it on his own; in reality he’s just someone who believes in setting the example. 

I think at the end of the day, his joy outshines any melancholy in him. 

[unburdenedrelief]

oh nooo, Akane accidentally spilled some sweet tasting liquid on her chest. whatever shall she do? her cleavage is gonna get so sticky~

He has to admit things have been interesting since his fateful one night stand with Akane. What he become a singular instance of admittedly pour judgement had become a repeated affair, one which he found himself unable to untangle himself from. He prided himself on his self-discipline on his professionalism. It was a point of immense pride that he was not lacking in the will department.

So the fact they kept ending up in one another's bed, that exchanged glances from across the room had turned into repeated visits to nearby closets or nights spent together; it was a little embarrassing. And he wasn't particularly a male known for his womanizing or lustful behavior, he was far from those things.

His eyes move downward to her chest, a loud grunt leaves his throat. He knows what she's doing, and he's going to give into it. Just this once he tells himself.

"You ought to remove your robes, before the stains set in." He'd comment his eyes locking with her, making no movement from his seated position. He isn't so eager to chase after her, yet.

[burdenedreverance]

cont. from here

That poor newbie, if he had stayed Hayden would have gone out of his way to help him. As he watched the fellow depart he sighed, going to pick up his papers before a somewhat popular face joined him. A brief exchange of words happened as they gathered up his report before he stood up, offering her a thin smile. He'd let out a brief chuckle at her adamant comment, and now that he was standing upright she could see he was in fact the First Division's third seat.

"To some's dismay, I'm quite adamant." He'd inform with a slight nod, the deep rumbling baritone and accent indicating he was a westerner. No doubt having ended up in the soul society by some strange happenstance. "It's a shame that young man ran off so quickly, I would have provided him some help." He saw no reason not to, his gaze going off to the distance where that young guy ran to, his eyes lingering. It was his duty, and his pleasure, to provide assistance to his fellows within the Gotei. He liked helping people.

But he'd quickly turn his gaze back to her, holding a callous hand out. "Apologies, I am Desmond Hayden. Third seat of the First Division. Most call me Hayden." He'd greet figuring it was only fair to offer a proper introduction to the woman after all! "I think, I know of you." He'd remark slowly as if still trying to remember, before his eyes went to her insignias.

@rangikuxmatsumoto

[burdenedreverance]

wink.

His eyes catches her's from across the room.

He's been busy. Impossibly busy. Unit reports to process, patrol routes to schedule, disciplinary hearings, and an assortment of other mundane tasks expected of leadership. Always committed to his work. His work is what saves lives, gives purpose to an existence which had none for so long. It is how he repays the kindness given to him by the Gotei and Yamamoto.

It is why he feels guilty when she winks at him.

Because he knows that deep down a man like him doesn't deserve such affections. Her's is a genuine, uncomplicated and uncompromising affair. She cares for him in a way which is sweeter than caramel and longs for him with an intensity that rivals a sailor who misses the sea. If given the choice between the Gotei and himself? She chooses him.

She deserves better than a man like him. One who places her before the world, the Gotei, or even their work. He has never been unfaithful with another person. But he is unfaithful to her. His affair is with his duty, and obligations.

And yet, he stills goes to her. He finds time in a schedule which allows for little room. It isn't the best, but it is his best. And as he crosses this room towards her and his hand brushes against her own, he thinks:

'Perhaps this is enough.'

[burdenedreverance]

❝ that was a great strike. if i was a hair slower, you’d have gutted me. ❞ - from gin

He missed the strike.

For a moment the world is silent as his blade moves downward slowly, he seen it perfectly. He imagines the constriction of every muscle within his body working in tandem with his mind. Before he even moves he imagines the actions he takes. It isn't mathematical calculations, but its an algebra. Fighting.

The tip of his blade touches the ground, and the world shudders.

The earth cracks itself asunder ripping apart as shockwaves travel outward. The ground was not prepared for his titantic strength, the effort of sleepless nights and disciplined days. Rarely does he have warrant to release the full might of his physical prowess, there is often not a need for it. To display strength for flattery is egotism and he shall not fall to such weakness.

Eyes turn to the left as he hears the words of the male speaking, emerald irises meet his own peaking from behind silvered hair. It is barely perceptible, but he sees the sweat on his forehead. The every present smile which is both unnerving and humane. He never understood Gin, he never tried to. Hayden doesn't care to understand the motives of most people.

He only cares about their actions, and the effects. You learn about someone by what they do, and the consequences of such things.

Why had he missed? Because he didn't train enough. Because the moved too quickly. Yes. Hayden moved too quickly. In his haste to make contact he gave away all he was. No tact to it.

'Remember, Hayden, you define your own battle.'

He does not fight to anyones tune, but his own. He has seen the wars be won by Generals who waged war on their own turns, who did not worry about what their opponents did. To define battle, is to define war itself. To define war, is to win.

His wrist turns sideways, and his Zanpakatou responds. The flat of it's blade drags across the ground as he turns spraying dust, dirt, and debris into the air. Towards Gin face and eyes, he speaks.

"A perfect strike, would have landed."

He does not strive for greatness. He looks for perfection.

@hiravth

[burdenedreverance]

"I'll find you, Coyote."

His voice is low and dangerous, promises lace his words. He has been in these foreign lands for months, and he has embrace war once more. After half a century in Hueco Mundo it is only natural that he enjoys the 'pleasant' climate of Vietnam.  His time here has been as a 'special military advisor', doesn't matter the details of where he came from or who he is. He forged documents long ago, made his way into 5th Group.

He was Project DELTA, otherwise known as deep penetration reconnaissance into Viet Cong territory. For the purpose of conducting and directing airstrikes. He had to admit, this new method of warfare was as terrifying as it was effective. He had become something of a notional legend in the Special Forces community, due to his operational success. And whenever a high causality rate mission happened that he was a part of, he always came back. Sometimes alone.

What truly marked him different from the others was his long-held fixation on Coyote. It had started when the first team he was with was dismantle by them. That started the grudge. It was more of a professional rivalry, and since has turned personal. A fixation. A genuine obsession to find this individual and see them laid low. Maybe it was because they had killed enough Americans to truly anger him, or maybe it was because he felt they were simply better than him. Whatever the reason whenever a whiff of Coyote's actions where known, he was the first one to hunt down leads.

Command stopped trying to stop him long ago. As far as they were concerned, if anyone could catch them it was Erasmus D. Hayden.

This particularly mission he was alone for. Credible HUMINT placed a potential staging point for Viet Cong training facility. His job was to find it and call in the cavalry.

There was also credible intelligence Coyote activity was in the area.

He drops his rucksack near a tree, placing his M14 down as well. Stop, look, listen, and smell. SLLS. The army so loved their acronyms. He could hear the distant cracks of rifle fire, the cadence of which spoke more to training then live combat. He was close.

'Or maybe you'll find me. Either works for me.'

He grabs his weapon, and begins once more. Coyote. He'll find them.

@midnightactual

[burdenedreverance]

cont. from here

The man wordlessly handed a flask to them. The flask itself was something of note, a tin design with the engraining of what looked to be a mountain ridgeline. If she took the flask and partook of the drink, it held the strong taste of an foreign whiskey with a surprising smooth finish. He himself was sitting in front of the fire, his knees pulled up with his arms resting on his kneecaps.

"You look to had an eventful evening." The man would finally remark, the only thing notifying her of his identity was the shinigami robes bearing the third seat emblem of first division. The distinctly western features of the man were another identifying factor. His head would shift to look at her, deep green irises taking in her bloodied form.

"Pass that back when you're done."

For a faint moment this entire affair reminded him of a distant memory, on foreign shores.

@icybreaths

[burdenedreverance]

ღ

Romantic attraction: none | very low | low | medium | high | very high | extreme Sexual attraction: none | very low | low | medium | high | very high | extreme Aesthetic attraction: none | very low | low | medium | high | very high | extreme Sensual attraction: none | very low | low | medium | high | very high | extreme

"Much of this goes without saying. But I feel there is something to be said about the sensual attraction. Rangiku is very touchy. I like that. She has shown her affection not through merely sexually charged encounters. She touches my hand, my cheek. Reaches out when I pull away. Does not shy away from Hakuda practice either."

He pauses for a moment, as if in thought.

"I enjoy her touch. Regardless of the circumstances."

@rangikuxmatsumoto

[burdenedreverance]

cont. from here

He exhales slowly, fog escaping from his mouth into the cool air. The words she spoke where soothing, in the way that reminded him of distant memories on foreign shores. He sat on the steps of the stairs that one used to walk into the barracks, his uniform felt heavy on his shoulders. There was a tiredness to him. There always was a tiredness to him. Like that of a rusted tin soldier that moved only by merit of the gears inside of him, always fulfilled his purpose.

"Explanations. When I heard that word, it carries with it the weight of a demand." He muses for a moment, shifting his head to look at her. His hands came to rest on his knees, rubbing them lightly in thought. There was a forlorn sound to his voice, a distant look in his eyes. "Not from yourself. I know that is not your intent. 'Explain yourself, soldier.' I was told long ago; these memories would fade. And they do. But other days, they return full force. A past life and this life, connected. I am the same man I was in that life."

His lips pulled into a small smile, his gaze tilts downward. He recalls words she had said to him in the past, about his nightmares and dreams.

"I will answer the call of duty and pay the toll to everything up to and including my life. I have only known war, and battle. I fear that the concept of peace has eluded me. I know I have done great many terrible things." His gaze sharpened for a moment; he leaned backwards straightening his posture. He did not want to seem self-pitiful. That was not what he was. Self-aware. He looks to her and speaks slowly.

"What haunts me, is if I have done the right thing. To kill a man, to end their life, for a purpose is terrible but a necessity. But..." His voice falters for a moment, and in this second, he cracks. It is not a shattering of the walls which he has, or the complete crumbling of who he is, but it is a small line. A pressure point which has received too much and now shows the signs of weakening. "But the hate in my heart, the anger in which I feel, that has no purpose or direction; that haunts me."

He stops speaking perhaps out of fear for what else he might, the implications. Perhaps because there is shame within it. Perhaps he merely just does not like exposing this side to him to a superior. For all purposes he was but another shinigami wholly dedicated to his duties, to the detriment of many other facets of his life. The regime and regimental lifestyle he lived, was one part because it was all he knew and one part because it helped tame the wildness of his heart.

"I have grown melancholic, I apologize, Captain. My mind wanders."

Like a ship within turbulent waters, he is lost. But she need not know that.

@compassionatekiller

[burdenedreverance]

The Attachment Style Quiz

Anxious Preoccupied:

Relationships can often make you feel anxious, unsafe or insecure because you likely have a subconscious fear of abandonment.

As a result, you seek more closeness in your relationships, and can feel afraid if you sense a loved one is pulling away.

Securely Attached:

You often feel comfortable and at ease in relationships. You’re also good at communicating your needs and feelings, and feel open to vulnerability in your relationships. However, sometimes you can experience difficulty when relating to those who aren’t as secure in relationships.

“Sounds like, it’s saying I’m needy.”

Tagged by: @hirako5hinji​

Tagging: @oschvank @uzchis @gentlehealer @compassionatekiller @desuetmort @fortunescaling @icybreaths​ @soulxfragments​+ whoever wants to

[burdenedreverance]

“Hayden! Sales for the newest edition of the ‘Shinigami’s Health’ is up by five hundred percent!”

“Thats... good.”

“The budget, has officially, increased!’

At least, some good came of his degradation.

[burdenedreverance]

"A qualified man with vision, unmoved by daily selfish interests Will be led to right decisions by his conscience In general, a man who knows from whence he comes and where he's going Will cooperate with his fellow human beings He will not be satisfied with merely doing his Ordinary duties, but will inspire others by his good example You are being watched by the nation You should realize that you will satisfy it if you do good But on the contrary, you do evil, It will lose it's hope and confidence in you." Selassie

[burdenedreverance]

Cont. from here

"I don't regard anyone with the Gotei as a stranger." Hayden would remark as his head turned slowly to watch the frost seemingly rise in the area, his eyes taking note of how far it extended. He even felt it on his skin, the biting chill of it ignored. It reminded him of the memory of a long winter, encamped as sickness spread across the camp. Such was the dangers of the frost.

He approached slowly, his sandals crushing frozen grass. His hand gripped the red sash on his waist as he would arrive to sit near to her, the heavy weight of his frame almost cracking the brittle structure of a wood. Even now the droplets of frost seemed to form on the edge of his clothes, as a hand came to brush against his shoulder knocking it off.

"I would have a fairer opinion if the report on his state had reached my desk, yet I found it sorely lacking. So, I am to retrieve your verbal report." His voice was even handed, such was the nature of the Third Seat. He cared deeply about the Gotei, not just those tied to his division. Of all the seated Officers, Hayden went out of his way to understand each division.

So, the situation was alarming.

@icybreaths

[burdenedreverance]

💞 + how long can you last?

"…"

"Hayden, answer it."

"I don't wanna."

"Think of the money."

"…"

"All that training contributes to stamina. I can last as long as needed. I employ, my future partner, to test the limits of such a thing."

"…Did you just-"

Hayden stands up and walks away.

[burdenedreverance]

💞 + What is one sexy fantasy you've always wanted to try?

"I… don't know how to answer this one!"

"Think, Hayden, think! Our budget depends on it!"

Hayden would bury his head in his hands as his elbows came to rest on the desk. This one truly had him stuck, not that the rest of them didn't paint him as some sexual deviant. But this one felt a lot more personal, and on top of that how does one define a sexual fantasy!?

"Give me a moment." He'd mutter as he lift his head from his hands, laying his arms flat on the table. A deep breath was taken, before he sat up crossing his legs. He might have an idea how to answer this. "I don't really have these, I think. At least not to the degree that- wait. Waaaait." His eyes widened for a moment, as a mix of shame and actual surprise came on his face.

"God help me." His hand came to his mouth clasping it, as the other shinigami leaned forward. A look of intrigue and excitement as their hand tapped the notepad waiting for the juicy details. "I have entertained the idea, in a moment of weakness, of a superior propositioning me. I know it is wholly inappropriate, but the idea of an assertive and sudden superior- particularly from one I might not have expected it from would be…"

His cheeks would heat up briefly.

"It would be quite nice."

Furious scribbling.