#very casual talk about d/s dynamics undercut so don’t read if that’s not your jam I guess LOL

[bottomvalerius]

okay I’m gonna do the thing where I publicly post like this is my diary but it’ll be under a readmore so it’s still very chill and cool actually LMAO

this is probably like completely nonsensical to most but I’ve been. Really struggling with identifying as a submissive and I can’t tell if it’s just this dynamic isn’t working anymore or I’m just going through some shit mentally, but my domme has given me like. Not much to work with, and it’s making me feel very bitter for some reason ? LOL like the appeal of this dynamic was that she was supposed to be my mentor, and as another switch, she would get where I am coming from and be able to like idk sympathize with where my fears and insecurity are coming from ? I know she struggles with empathy and will not pick up on things unless I’m very explicit about it, but I feel like I HAVE been

The last time we were in person I had a massive anxiety attack and she just did not handle it well. And we talked through like okay well this is how you can identify when things are wrong and this is what I myself can do better and communicate clearly, but then nothing and I mean Nothing has come from it. She said she would check in more but she hasn’t, and idk if she meant just when we’re in person or what. I’m not doing my protocols anymore because writing a journal entry LITERALLY made me so anxious I almost puked. And when I tried to be like “I’m not sure how to engage with my submission anymore” she very quickly hit me with the “I’m not your therapist.” And like. Yes. I know that. I’m not trying to have you diagnose me, I just want comfort from you as my dominant? And some reassurance that these feelings are normal and I’m not some fuck up ???? And that’s like basically been our last conversation because then my job got insanely busy and so has hers. So I’m just like. In this weird limbo. We text every day but it’s so forced and she isn’t like checking in with me anymore, and that to me is making me think I’m doing something wrong and I hate feeling this pathetic about shit lmfaoo

I have a lot of fun with her, and I’ve been learning a lot about myself, but I feel like all of that has just been swept up and I’m left feeling like. Idk like I’m Too Much like always and I’m no longer this perfect, bratty, engaged submissive and it makes me literally sick to my stomach LMAOO WHICH I UNDERSTAND that is super pathetic and shallow of me, but idk like this part of my sexuality is LITERALLY part of my sexuality and I feel like I was so close to reallt getting into the scene and now suddenly I’m like “do I even belong here and am I even made for this ???” which has just. Been. A lot for me LMFAOOO