#w / 13elmst

[duskterrace]

[ sumi ] 🎁 :~)

━━ STRANGERS AGAIN.

a study of the ' i like who i am with you ' to ' i wish i never knew you ' pipeline.

a small playlist to depict the emotions felt ( partially ) during and after the few months sumi & jinsol 'hung out'. all from the moment jinsol felt something to the moment they wished they didn't. click the title for the link !

SNEAK PEEK (O5/17) !

OO1. would've been you by sombr. OO2. strange by celeste. OO3. strangers by kenya grance. OO4. haunt me by rini. OO5. half of my heart by josh makazo.

[egobless]

there’s a story about a man who claimed the dark as his own and it swallowed him whole. 

there’s a story about a woman who made bedfellows with it and it drove her to a certain madness. 

there’s a story about another who quite fancied the shade and allowed him to break her open, the architecture of her curves underlined by the moon’s hue. wontaek relishes this particular one, all of its heated scenes and heavy smoke. he contemplates god in all his glory, and although he is not a pious man, he finds all of sumi's darkest spaces all too redeeming. 

he knows the darkness, though pardon him, he hates how trite that sounds. but it’s no different than what he presses onto canvas, how gunpowder black, all bleak and baltic, blends into ash grey. how it’s never really just negative space, instead it’s brimming, the overflow promising something askew. so why is it, pray tell, that he missed sumi’s own? the penumbra burning strange patterns into his walls, it moves as if colicky with greed. staggered and hungry in its need to destroy, wontaek watches as it launches his easel across the room, coming apart in an explosion of splinters. it sends his glasses flying, flings various vinyl records against the opposite wall, topples his record player over for good measure. ‘what the fuck?’ he hisses, near stumbling out of bed, his shame cutting shape into the night. ‘sumi, what the actual fuck?’ 

conjuring up his own demons, they melt from his shadow and ghost towards the beast but he sees them quickly thwarted and embarrassingly so. he’s not used to this; see, wontaek knows very little about defeat, has never felt the twinge of a battle lost, not really. ‘enough!’ he yells with a rage fit for his fury, cloaking the room in pitch. 

there’s a story about a man who took the first step on the moon and how he teetered towards the dark side’s edge. wontaek’s not so sure how it ends but i’m sure you get the gist.

when you come around w/ @13elmst

[duskterrace]

[ sumi ] ✉️🌿🍒🥀

✉️ : LETTERS TO SANTA

TO YOU,

I’ll be honest ( since I don't have any other choice ). I missed you. I missed your warmth. Your laugh. The way you’d squeeze whenever we hugged. The way my name dripped from your supple lips. I missed the late night texts. I missed sneaking around. I missed..those impromptu outings that strictly weren’t dates. And the way we’d sneak into empty classrooms together. Losing you has probably been one of the most confusing losses I’ve had to come to terms with to date. It was so abrupt, what we had, that I found myself grieving something that could’ve been instead of what once was.   It’s weird because I didn’t have feelings for you but I feel like I could’ve. I feel like just a month or two longer and I would’ve slipped and fucked up the agreement. And honestly, a part of me is glad you ghosted when you did. I can't help but imagine how much of a wreck I would have been if we went any further. How broken your absence would’ve left me. It’s been months but I continue to grieve the loss of a person who I still see everyday and that in itself is surreal. Because you aren’t gone. You’re within an arm's reach in the hallways, or a phone call away but… I can't bear to be the one to reach out. I can't bear to look that desperate. My pride could never allow it. But I want to mention, at least once that… just because I lost you as a trusted confidant, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy and I hope you know this. I’m still in your corner, sooms. Despite it all? I hope you still eat regularly, even if it’s not at my table. I hope you find happiness and success, just not at the expense of my own. I hope you get the closure you need. More closure than you’ve given me. Which… isn’t much. Or anything at all.  I hope for all the good things in life to happen to you. I do. I, uh… don’t blame you either. Not like I’m told I should. I think that’s because I’m incapable of seeing you as a person who used me. I can only see you as the girl with unexpected insecurities. The girl who wanted to turn the lights off every time. The girl who secretly enjoyed a passionate kiss or two after. The girl who pretended she hated the corny jokes. Actually—  I think it's because I still blame myself for you leaving. I keep telling myself that I must’ve done something wrong. I must’ve said something to you when we last met that didn’t sit well with you. That it was my fault for not noticing. That I should’ve checked on you after the last break ended. I’m sorry I didn’t by the way. I hope there’s no hard feelings. You are no longer in my life, and I no longer have the urge to reach out like I did a month ago. But the universe makes sure I’m aware that I can’t just cut you out of my life as easily as you did me. Things still remind me of you, honestly. I always search the area around me when I smell your perfume in public. I think about you on your birthday. When I’m shopping, I still reach out for small items you mentioned liking. It’s so easy for you to cross my mind, even after all this time. But for my sake, I hope you stop soon. Please.

Hesitate to reach out, Jinsol.

P.S — I saw you at the gala with some guy. I can't tell if you guys are together or not, or if he’s the reason my days are so much colder, but I hope he’s good to you. You seem so happy.

🍒 : LAST TEXT

( ✉️ )   SMS    →   SOOMS

read  / 08:23 am ✓✓ › woah? › I get that we agreed on no strings attached and secrecy but ouch sooms, what was that just now? › y’know you could’ve waved back at least,  i doubt people would look into it that much.

read / 17:10 pm ✓✓ › cool, so you’re just gonna ignore me? no reply or anything? › are you mad? › wait, did I forget something again? ᄒᄒᄒ

read / 21:47 am ✓✓ › wow, left on read again. › noted but could you at least tell me what I did? please?

delivered / 23:55 am ✓ › cool, fuck it ig. whatever.

🥀 : 3AM DRUNK TEXT

( ✉️ )   SMS    →   SUMI

delivered / 03:25 am ✓ › tis made me think ofv you ( insert tiktok link ) [ message unsent / 03:54 am]

delivered / 03:25 am ✓ › y’know yu couldv just said you were strickly strait frm the start ?? › i naver told you i was a man? › you saidd you were a fan soo you obviously would’ve k nown if that was the case › but i gu ess since you were a fan you were only after one thing after all right? › thats fair.  we promised to screw & scram, yu were just holding upp your side of the promise. › … srry for missing the memo. › if i did something too upset you during that time…i’m sorre. [ messages (7) unsent / 03:54 am]

delivered / 03:27 am ✓ › just talk to me one mor tiem › pls? [ messages (2) unsent / 03:55 am]

delivered / 09:12 am ✓ › sorry, hyeseong hacked my phone as some sick joke. forgot I still had your number ㅋㅋ