#wah wah pity party etc etc

[tyrianlynch]

I’m in so much pain it’s honestly been hard to function at all these past few days but the people in my life can only hear that so many times before they’re tired of me so I’m shouting it into the void

[keirametzbrassknuckles]

Been talking with some ex classmates of mine recently and even the ones who don't have full-time career jobs are still like... in art. I am the only one to have failed so hard I'm not even working around the industry. Feels bad man. Feels like shit.

[honeymoon-changb]

And I love you.

A Johnny scenario.

genre: fluff, i guess, failed attempt at comedy

A/N: idk why i’m putting this here lmao i’m not a legit author but yea i wrote this a whileeeee ago in notes on my phone and just found it again and decided to post it cuz i didn’t have the balls to share it before; it’s kinda cheesy but i guess i was feeling all fluffy about John ay also pls note English isn’t my native language so if you see any grammar errors etc - that’s why. Anyway, enjoy y’all (if anyone reads this at all lmao wishful thinking)

  Haechan was sat cross-legged on the living room couch, a big Lion King mug in one of his hands (that’s Taeyong's latest purchase) and his phone in the other one. In sheer attempt to kill the boredom of the off-days, he boy was watching one YouTube video after another as he took loud sips of a warm beverage. Not a pleasant scene for those who get easily irritated by slurping or munching sounds, mukbang haters. You have just finished washing up after the downside of hot-cholocate drinking culture - which was the prepration process - and made your way to the living room, where honey-skinned boy was now joined by the roomies TY Track and the-1-and-only Johnny. You stood in the back, unnoticed, and listened.

"You made hot chocolate for yourself only?" the friendly giant said in a sulky tone.

"Y/N's the one who made it." Haechan replied, not even bothered to grace Johnny with his gaze.

"For you only? Y/N, since when is Haechan your favorite!?" Johhny screamed, not realizing how close you were. You coughed to get their attention, before opening your mouth.

"Huh, psh, pffft, my-my what? How dare you accuse me of favorism, I dOnT have a favorite?" you winked at Haechan, who, what a surprise!, was actually blessing you with his attention. In response to your purposefully over-the-top dramatic acting, Mr. John Seo played heartbroken.

"AH! I can't believe you. All these nice things you've said to me, they must have been lies, and I was but a fool who believed to be someone special in your life!" he cried out, almost literally.

"Oh, don't you call me a liar, now, mister!" you replied, waving your finger at the boy. "Look... if I was gonna make enough hot cocoa for y'all, we'd need a barrel of milk." you added, less dramatically, to actually make this conversation into something more than just jokes on jokes.

"I didn't even know we had cocoa powder?" Taeyong spoke, to whom you replied:

"You didn't. I got some on my way here."

"What for, if you're not gonna make any for us..." the tall jokester said, or rather spat under his breath as if he didn't really want you to hear. Oh, but you did. Before you could reply to this snarky remark, though, a wild Mark appeared, joining this pity party.

"It smells like heaven in here." he said, with the typical, cutesy Mark smile on his face.

"Must be the hot chocolate ONLY HAECHAN is drinking." Youngho, the saltiest child on earth, said.

"Yum, I'd love some hot cocoa." Mark said, unaware of how long this convesation has been going on and how annoyed, yet amused you were feeling, especially because of John's pricesless commentary. And he just had to go on.

"Ya, tell me about it, man..." he looked at you, eyebrows furrowed, hands placed on his chest and he really did look hurt, the little actor. "I just feel so saaaaaad... like there's a hole inside of me and hot chocolate is the only things that could ever glue the pieces my broken heart together." he cried out again.

"Oh, oh, I get that feeling, too." what came as surprise, Taeyong played along.

"Yeah, and it seems like only YOU have the power to heal us, to put us out of our misery, Y/N." Seo continued. Mark must have caught up on the game, as he joined in, saying

"Have mercy on us, Y/N!" You felt like you were going out of your mind, dealing with these whiny boys who were now all gathered around you, staring at you with big pouts on their pretty faces.

"Oh MY GOD, you guys are driving me insane!" you snapped, loudly laughing (and maybe lowkey dying inside). "Yes, fine, okay, AL-RIGH-TY-YO! I will fill your whiny asses with my heavenly hot-cocoa, but boy do I pray that it'll not only glue your bRoKeN piEcEs together, but your mouths as well." you shook your head left to right at them.

"THANK YOU" Johnny said, fake crying. You were almost convinced he’s about to fall to his knees and repeat himself, but luckily for eveyone witnessing, he didn’t. You shook your head at him even more intensely.

"On one... no... on two conditions, though." all three of them looked at you intrigued as to what they'd have to do to have you bless them with your original-family-recipe hot chocolate. "First, since you're all outta milk, you have to go get some at the store and by some I mean multiple boxes because there's so many of you all living under one roof, you damn plague..."

"Sounds fair." commented Mark.

"...and two..." you smirked. "...two, you have to praise and compliment me in 3... 2... 1... Go!" And the boys did as they were told, which made it quite difficult to actually make out what the sweet words were, even harder when Haechan joined in after you confirmed he could get more hot chocolate. But then everything went dead silent as Johnny's raised voice delivered these four words,

"and I love you."

It wouldn't be that big of a deal if it weren't for the fact you two have never exchanged this confession before, as you were dealing with the friends-turned-lovers type of situation, never actually calling each other boyfriend or girlfriend, hell, never really discussing your feelings, just enjoying each other's company and all the benefits that came with it when different needs arose. The momentary silence contributed to the air becoming suffocatingly heavy with a mix of anxiety and a dash of awkwardness, as you were caught off guard with this sudden avowal of feelings, and the confessor himself appeared to be unsure. Not unsure of his feelings, as you would have thought, because it's not like you didn't care about one another in this way. He must have felt unsure of why these words rolled off his tongue in a middle of such commotion. He panicked and decided it was best to flight from the scene, and so he pretended to be called by Jaehyun. You decided to act as well, so you made the decision to get the milk in the supermarket yourself.

"Mark, Mark, let's go to 7-Eleven, the milk isn't gonna buy itself, now, is it?"

"Aye, sure." Mark replied hasily, stuck in fluster over this incident. He now was continuously wondering about all of this. He obviously wasn't with you guys all the time, so he didn't know whether you ever confessed before or what was truly going on between you - obviously, since you never talked about what you felt for each other with one another, why would you with other people. This was something no one could know but you, and the way things got so awkward just a minute ago enhanced his confusion. He wasn't sure if it was okay to talk about this or if you wanted anything but, so he kept quiet. But man, did you wish he'd start a conversation... This silence forced you to stay in your head, feeling a little panicky. You, too, felt unsure and uneasy at this moment. You surely cared about Johnny and spending time with him was truthfully you favorite way of pushing through one day after another, but love... has always been something that confused you a little, because what even is love? Too many people threw this word around like it was nothing, so how does one figure out whether it's something serious or something you can say just so lightheartedly like you’re talking about your favorite cereal? Your lifelong history of having a hard time trusting and opening up to people wasn't helping in this situation at all. And since Mark wasn't going to intiate the dialogue, you decided to do so, before you dig too deep into your anxious thoughts.

"What's your favorite music video you've done so far?" you asked to somehow break the silence, and by him raising his thin brows, you could tell he did not expect you to do so. He laughed, brushing his hair.

"Hm, that's a good question, why don't you answer it first so I can think of my answer."

"What's my favorite MV of NCT's?" you asked rhethorically, since you knew that's what he meant, so you proceeded to share the response before he even nodded in reassurence. "Gotta be the rough version of Limitless. I love the retro style too much, I love everything about it."

"Yeah, that's a good one!" he cheered. "Me, I think for now I'm gonna have to say "Boss" 'cause we got to go to Ukraine to film and that's a travel destination I never thought of visiting, but it was beautiful and so interesting."

"Ahh! I've watched the behind-the-scenes and, not gonna lie, I felt a little jealous. I love to travel." you responed.

"You do?" he continued, to which you nodded. "If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?" You squinted your eyes and held your fingers up to your chin, expressing you're thinking of an answer in movie-like manner.

"Right now, I'm feeling like... Hawaii." you finally said. He seemed so interested in your answer.

"Wah, it'd be so cool to go there some day."

"Yea, it's like a piece of paradise on Earth."

Unexpectedly, this converation initiated by you made the grocery shopping escapade the most pleasant one you've ever gone on, and Mark accompanied you even after you came back to the dorm and started making the crazy amounts of world's most comforting drink for the bunch of sulky idol kids you were so thankful to have become friends with. The living room was now filled with more members than before; sounds of a video game played by Yuta versus WinWin could be heard over a heated conversation happening between Doyoung and Jaehyun; Taeil sat alone at the dinner table, scrolling intensely on his phone; even Renjun and Chenle, who must've escaped the Dream dorm to hang out at their hyungs' place, were there, leaning over the couch behind Haechan who was still messing with his mobile; and Taeyong just joined, with a slightly-shocked expression on his face as he saw so many people gathered in one medium-sized living room. It’s like everyone was there... except for your Johnny - and that struck you with anxiety. Finishing your duty as the hot-chocolate-assosiation head chef, you poured the drink into all the cups you could find and with help of your convo-partner, served it to the others by placing it on the large dinner table and having Haechan shout "HOT CHOCO Y'ALL" as he saw you put the trace down. You went up to Taeyong to ask about Johnny jist to have him lead you to their shared bedroom, where you found the target sat on the bed, looking quite distressed.

"I made you an extra-large cup of hot cocoa so if you don't come out to join the party, it'll just turn into cold cocoa." you said with a smily expression. "And most likely end up being consumed by Haechan anyway." You made your boyfriend laugh for a second, but that quickly turned back to the colon-slash emoji expression. It was the image of someone who's seriously bothered by a mess of thoughts. And everyone knew what it was all about. He sighed before opening his mouth, letting a fistful of words hastily fall out.

"Look, I know it was so wrong or weird to say that, especially so randomly and under such circumstances and I don't even know why it came out of my mouth right then and there, and then I made it even worse by panicking and stupidly escaping, like what kind of pers-"

"And I love you, too." you cut him off, finally returning the confession. It took him by surprise, but it was a pleasant one, like when you r mum is the only person to call you on your birthday but then it turns out it’s because your friends were busy throwing you a secret birthday part. And you didn't just say those words because you felt you were compelled to do so. You meant it, as you figured it out just two minutes ago, when you stood in that room filled with too many people you dearly care about and yet felt some sort of emptiness, because he wasn't there. He appeared to be at a loss of words, which was a rare occurence for Johnny Seo. He was just smiling, looking at you, and you felt so sure now, you were in love."I always felt nervous when we kissed on those days where I'd think too much about the meaning of love, or what it should be like, what the movies and books have taught me, and how maybe I'd never be ready to open up, be this or be that, how I may ruin it all one day, this friendship, because I was careless enough to let myself cross this line and engage in romance. You see, I've never been with anyone before and it's not like I never had the chance to date, it's that I convinced myself it's better to be alone, because being with somebody is too hard, too risky, too complicated and I hated the idea of that... but it isn't like that at all with you. It's just so easy with you, on those days where I don't let my thoughts enhance the fire that lits up my anxiety, on those days where we just kiss through smiles and I feel the goddamn butterflies, it just feels so right. You and I, it feels so right, and I figured that it could be like that on all days, if I just let myself go, and it's so hard because I like control and I wired myself to believe I'm better off alone because that way I can't end up getting hurt, but for you I'd try and for you I'd take the risk. And now I realize that all of these things mean I'm, in fact, in love with you, and I love you." The raw monologue turned out better than you thought, almost free of stumbling on your own words. He listened to you so intensely through all these words, watching your lips move and your eyes wander. Without responding, he got off the bed, stood up and slowly walked up to you, gazing into your eyes for what seemed like too-long of a moment, before he finally spoke, now with calmness in his voice. No more awkward rambling.

"The only time or reason I ever felt nervous was not knowing if you feel the same way. But now I do. I always felt at ease with you, it is just so right, like you said, I just feel so happy when I'm around you and these days I'm happy a lot with the life I'm lucky to be living, but you are a different kind of happiness... and that's how I knew. And, so, I love you." Now you were the one who couldn't say anything. Your gut was burning up and a shaky smile was glued on your face."Oh, and also, when I'm horny, I can't think about anyone else but you anymore." he added and you burst out laughing, him alike.

"Couldn't let this scene be all-too-serious, could you." you laughed.

"Nope." he said, with a goofy smile on his lips.

"Well, I think all that needed to be said, was, and I don't wanna rush things... but there's luke-warm cocoa to be drank..." you joked, too, making him laugh once again. The abolute U-turn this conversation took was just the perfectly accurate image of your relationship - almost never too serious despite serious feelings."I swear, if Haechan drank it, I'm gonna beat his shawty ass." you added as you turned around to open the door and make your way to the busy room.

"Babe, I think you're shorter than him."

"No, the proper response is 'Of course I'll help you beat his shawty ass up, babe'" you sassed as a reply.

"Sorry, I'll note it down and do better next time, mademoiselle."​

[fromnatwithlove]

Hong Kong Reflections

#Honestly really so grateful I came on this trip. I feel like i’ve really changed a lot throughout the trip & my life view is also very very different!! This may sound a little exaggerated, but I’m definitely a different person that I was before the trip. Initially thought it would be really awkward and boring, being the only young person and going with yeema, ah yee jane, ahma and gong gong and mummy, but wah i really feel like i’ve grown in the past 6 days than I have in the past year.  HK LESSON #1: Fake it till you make it -- it works.

We all know that we act differently around different groups of people. We seem to take on a different persona, based on what people expect us to be & what they think we are supposed to behave like. For me, I’m very mischievous around my friends, very kind and patient and thoughtful around relatives, yet at home, with my family, I have a very short temper and for some strange reason, I find myself extremely reluctant to offer help to my family members. I never understood the reason why (and I still don’t!) but I realised that, your perspective and expectation of yourself is SUPER important! Small efforts to tweak your mental state and consciousness to pretend to be a certain type of person (e.g. polite, helpful, patient, kind-hearted) will actually help you achieve that kind of character for real. I’ve been so used to being the considerate, patient and helpful kid that I find myself super willing to help my family members at home, even when it’s not necessary to put on a show! So stop believing that your personality traits have to vary with different groups of people, and that, just because you’re short-tempered at home means you’re a short tempered person, that its in your nature and cannot be changed. You can actually just psyche yourself and convince yourself to be more helpful, make mini-mental efforts to not have negative thoughts and basically... fake it till you make it!!! I realised this works for my mom too. She’s usually super impatient and gets angry for the smallest things, but being around relatives forced her to control her anger and like. she can actually do it. We all can do it (be more helpful and patient, etc). It’s honestly just a mental mind game. HK LESSON #2: Filial Piety and Familial Love

There are many little things that say “I love you”, just that we don’t notice them. I love my Ahma so much. I’ve been saying this for so long like 10 years and I always beat myself up for not telling her that but honestly -- there are many things that don’t always have to be expressed in words. Just because I dont say it outrightly doesnt mean that she doesn’t know. I love offering to hold her hand bag, and my favourite feeling is holding her hand to cross the road and when she holds my hand back for balance as she walks, knowing that I’m always by her side and here for her! She’s forever asking if i’m cold and she gave me her scarf. She makes the effort to call me by the right name (instead of my sisters). I remember this particular meal time where, while we were all eating, she kept looking over at my plate to see if I had enough to eat. She would pick up food with her chopsticks and pile them up on my plate, asking me to eat more. I guess there are some things my mom does that I take for granted as well. Every time she asks if I have enough to eat or gives me good food, it’s honestly just cos she’s looking out for me. and I guess i’ve been taking that for granted la. When we argue and I get really angry I always think that I can never get along with my mom and that I cannot stand her as a person. But i realised honestly when she doesn’t get angry we really really get on very well??? which is such a strange feeling for me ahh. And I really honestly am very thankful for my mom cos i know she sacrificed a lot for us and just wants the best for us. without her I would never be where I am today la honestly. and I’m just thankful I guess.  HK LESSON #3: Arguing is also a form of communication

The other day I told Ahyee Diana that Mummy and Jiejie always fight, and she said “It’s normal. Fighting is okay, sometimes it’s even good. Fighting is also a form of communication. It’s better than not talking at all”  If you think about it, fighting with someone means that 2 parties actually care enough about one another to spend time explaining and arguing their point across to the other person, and usually when family’s argue it’s just because they want the best for each other (just that what they perceive as the ‘best’ may be different!) If you didnt really care for the person much you would not waste your time and breath arguing with that person and getting upset or angry over it. In some ways, its actually better than both people giving each other the silent treatment or not bothering to speak to that person at all because they dont care enough. I guess its true that, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. HK LESSON #4: Believe + Determination = Success Determination is not synonymous with confidence. I know I am determined but I am definitely lacking in belief and confidence! I know i’m always struggling to draw the line between having confidence and having an inflated ego. I guess I dont have the answer yet, but I think BELIEVING in yourself is very important. If you don’t even think you are a suitable candidate, how would you expect others to believe that you are a good candidate??? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!! you must believe in what you are doing if not there’s honestly no point in even trying! That being said, ah yee jane told me about Uncle Yong Chun’s story of how he single handedly created the company and managed its success, even though he was born without a silver spoon. He was willing to suffer and do construction work to earn bits to fund his own local uni education, and eventually he achieved success. He never gave up on himself, never had a submissive attitude or told himself that he is disadvantaged and can never be good enough. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH and you honestly have to believe that! You have so much potential nat! you already have the determination part down you are just missing the part where you TRUST yourself and BELIEVE that you can do it :) :) HK LESSON #5: Grades aren’t everything | The future is unpredictable | Your choices make you

Your academic grades do not determine your future, neither is intellect a guarantor of success and wealth in life. Ah yee Jane was merely working as a clerk, Uncle Phillip didn’t do as well in school as Mummy, Uncle Teck Chee’s grades sucked so bad he had to choose the most unwanted course in poly. Look at where all of them are now. DON’T. SHORTCHANGE. YOURSELF. you have so so so much potential and capability as a person never ever view yourself in a discounted perspective and never ever shortchange yourself. Human beings are amazing and you are a human being!!! You will be able to do great things if you set your mind to it. Honestly, dont let your grades define you because being book smart only works well in the early stages of your life. but HOHO guess what? your early stages in life are over. It’s a different ball game in the working world and it’s up to YOU and your belief in yourself whether you can do it. Never ever think that just because you are less successful now, means you won’t be super successful in the future. The future is so unpredictable! Tables turn and you will never know when your efforts will just all be rewarded all at once :)  HK LESSON #6: Have a Happy Heart 

What’s the secret to happiness? Having a clean heart. One that is free from jealousy and judgement, from insecurities and suspicion. Free from negativity and criticism. Be simple-minded and positive, laugh at everything you see. Laugh at every little stupid story, even if its not funny. Laugh more! smile at people more! Don’t be jealous of people, and don’t feel insecure all the time. Be captured by the things around you and try to find joy in everything. Every time you want to complain, find something to be joyful about and make effort to be less critical and negative in your life. really really just be simple and happy because honestly nothing is more everlasting, authentic and long-lasting than that. Just stay strong and don’t let yourself wallow in self pity. Look at ah yee jane. honestly she could have just fallen into depression after uncle yong chun’s accident, and wallowed in self pity but she’s still so positive and cheerful and hopeful!! she’s satisfied by the smallest things in life and her monetary wealth is not the most important thing to her. 

Be peaceful -- and as JJ said, why get so excited?  HK LESSON #7: There is a reason for everyone’s character flaw, and mistake. 

Don’t be so quick to judge and get angry when others do something wrong. Do not be so quick to make judgement and criticise them, for you do not understand their story.  HK LESSON #8: People love you for who you are No matter what the results are for A levels, your relatives will still always think you are the best and they will love you no matter what. The school you go to does not matter to them at all.  HK LESSON #9: It’s okay to be depressed. People Understand.  It’s perfectly normal to go through hard times. Everyone has their own struggle and no family or person leads the perfect life (with the exception of people like JJ perhaps.) At the same time, speak to more adults if it helps and people actually will understand you! Don’t always think that just bc you had depression means that you’re damaged goods or that you are mentally weak. In fact, if anything you are just mentally stronger for having recovered. At the same time, this trip also made me realise that there’s so much more to life than struggling to meet people’s expectations of you all the time. just care about yourself and love yourself more. The future has so much in store! Jobs, marriage, family, friends -- there are so many people around you that love you so much in fact I feel so awful / queasy and guilty when I think about the nights where I lay in bed and told myself that no one would care if I ever died anyway, because people eventually recover and forget and get over it. SO MANY EXCITING THING LIES AHEAD NAT. As Russell said, the world is your oyster. Go out there and OWN IT.  Overall, Have more confidence in yourself and love more! Sending the future me a lot of love (esp if you’re reading this after tons of rejections and poor A levels results). Just rmb! Your university doesnt determine anything, and nothing is certain in life.