#wake the FUCK up falke we fucked up big time

[keen2meecha]

a creature of despair

There was a ghost haunting the streets of New Demington and everyone knew it.

Not a literal ghost. That would be much more convenient - and much less stressful. Ghosts could be caught, exorcised, shot with rock salt and sent back to wherever they belonged.

This ghost, though.

This ghost had yet to be seen, although the trail of bodies they left in their wake was unmistakable. Some with premortem wounds, some without - but all of them with their throats slashed from behind, and a length of purple ribbon left behind to cover the wound. It was a very specific calling card, but investigators had yet to determine the significance. And this had been going on for months.

Even Amadeus Black was pricklier than usual lately, and that was quite the feat. He was prickly on the best of days, but it took a lot to push him further.

And yet, despite the tension in the air and the worry on TV, Falks’ freshmen class remained as bright and oblivious as ever.

“We should go shopping!” Briony El-Hashem declared.

At the opposite end of the table, Kyran Cinege snorted as he speared his broccoli. Sure, he’d known since he stepped foot in this place that his classmates were idiots, but it was nice to have tangible proof. He looked up to catch Vera’s eye. She was an ice-cold bitch, but they had a certain understanding. She was a lot more tolerable than the others, for one thing. And she didn’t try to be his ‘friend’ - in fact, she seemed to migrate to his side most days specifically because he had no interest in friends.

She also didn’t talk, which meant she didn’t ask questions.

“What about you, dude?” Ibrahim asked eagerly, leaning closer to Kyran - and then immediately leaning back away at the sharp glare he got. “You in?”

“Of course I’m not fucking in!” Kyran snapped. “You’ve either got a goddamned death wish or your idiots - or, more likely, both.”

“Don’t be like that,” Dimas said, rolling his eyes.

“I’ll be however I fucking please. Unlike you imbeciles, I’m not taking my chances when there’s a damn Villain roaming the streets.”

“We don’t know they’re a Villain!” Larue protested immediately. “They could just be a serial killer!”

“Oh, right, yeah, that’s so much better - congrats, Strawberry! You’ve changed my mind!”

“It’ll be fun,” Rocco interrupted, and Kyran choked back a swear. “C’mon, please? We’ll make it worth your while!”

There was only one person who could possibly make it worth his while. He had red-hair and stupid pretty eyes and was currently pouting up at Kyran, said pretty eyes pleading with him. Don’t fall for it, don’t fall for it, don’t fucking-

“Fine, whatever.” He grunted, tearing his eyes away from Rocco. “If it makes you assholes leave me alone for once.”

“You know we won’t! Hey, Vera, what about you?”

“No,” She said flatly, not even looking up from her book.

“Aw, come on, not you too! Please?”

Unfortunately, Vera didn’t have the same weakness that Kyran had. She gave Rocco a flat look, then returned to her book once more. Rocco wrinkled his nose at her, then returned to the others to help the planning of the apparent shopping trip.

Kyran scowled and flicked her book as he said, “Oy, Princess, if I’ve gotta suffer through this bullshit so do you.”

She gave him a flat look, then stood up, shouldered her backpack, and started to walk away. Kyran reached out and grabbed her wrist before she could get far.

“Let go of me,” She snapped, yanking her wrist out of his grip as whirled on him. He was out of his seat and standing across from her in a second, shoulders squared and hands raised. He had seen what she could do with her Gift. She wasn’t going to get the drop on him.

“Guys,” Elora protested uneasily from the table. 

“Shut up, Pinkie,” Kyran told her, not looking away from Vera. “You too, Glasses.”

Zahir snapped his mouth shut.

“I said. I’m not. Going.” Vera gritted out. Despite the tension in her jaw, her hands were loose by her sides.

“And I said you are,” Kyran countered, not letting his guard down that easily. “Because there’s a killer roaming the streets, and we’re pretty much the only ones who can keep these idiots alive if they really insist on leaving campus.”

There was a full tense minute as she stared him down. He was starting to wonder if she would just forgo the Gift and punch him in the nose-

And then she huffed, nodded, and left without another word.

“Was that a yes?” Ibrahim asked into the shocked silence.

 ***

“We’re going shopping this weekend,” Kyran announced suddenly.

Across from him, the devil herself blinked and adjusted her glasses.

“We were discussing your childhood?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got daddy issues, blah blah blah,” Kyran waved a dismissive hand. “Been there, done that, old news.”

“Alright.” Tuliana gave an infuriating smile. “Who all is we?”

“The whole class.”

“Including you?”

“Obv-fucking-iously.”

“Don’t make me get the swear jar out again, Kyran.”

“Obviously.”

“Why did you agree to go? I was under the impression that you hated everyone.”

“Dunno.” He flopped back in the cushy armchair and glared out the window.

“These sessions won’t do you any good if you stonewall me.”

He huffed and drew a frowny face on the icy window with his finger, then said, “I… thought I saw her. Yesterday. Up on those mountains or whatever.”

“It’s not… unheard of for people to think they’ve seen loved ones that they’ve lost.”

“So I’m not going crazy?”

“No, we’ve been over this.”

“Even though it’s been, like, a year?”

“There’s no timeline for grief. It happens differently for everyone.” When he didn’t say anything else, she jotted something down on her notebook and said, “Is that why you agreed to go? Because you think you’ll see her again?”

“No, that’d be stupid.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

He scowled and shot her a glare. The worst part was that her serene expression didn’t even waver. In the almost two months he’d been attending Falks, he’d managed to get under every adults’ skin except for two: the headmaster and Tuliana Nagi. The former simply because he hadn’t had enough opportunities, the latter because he was sure there were more annoying things in Hell than him.

So far, at least.

“Maybe…” He returned to the window. “Maybe because it’s what she would have done.”

“Gone shopping?”

“Protected them.”

There was a long beat of silence, then she sighed and rubbed at her eye. She did that sometimes. Their sessions were always at the end of the day, and he was pretty sure she had chronic dry-eye. Her eye drops were in her drawer, but she never used them while they were meeting. Probably because it was impolite or some shit.

“Kyran, it’s not your job to save everyone.”

“It will be soon.”

“Yes, after you’ve been trained.” She dropped her hand and leaned forward. He shifted uncomfortably, but couldn’t seem to break eye contact. “Kyran, you couldn’t have saved her.”

“If I hadn’t left her with him-”

“You didn’t leave him.” They had been through this so many times that she felt comfortable interrupting him, which was infuriating. “You got separated while the museum was collapsing.”

“What difference does it make?”

“You know that it makes all the difference.”

He snarled at her, but had nothing to say to that. She was - probably, unfortunately - right. But if he had just had the instinct to dive back, not forward, if they had lingered just a second longer, or sped up just a little-

“That kind of thinking won’t bring her back, Kyran.”

That was the whole problem, wasn’t it? 

Nothing was going to bring back the one friend he’d ever had.

***

The mall was way too big, and way too loud. The moment they stepped inside, he regretted agreeing to come along. 

It didn’t help that Vera was practically radiating smugness at his discomfort, even as she too winced at the light and the noise and the smell. The rest of their classmates barely seemed to notice the terrible everything of the hellhole posing as a mall. They laughed and shouted and went through store after store after store. Why did a mall even need five separate shoe stores? Wasn’t one enough?

“Capitalism,” Jerilyn whispered gravely to him when he voiced his complaint.

“Fuck that,” He replied, turning away.

“Dude, where are you going?” Ibrahim shouted.

“Anywhere that isn’t here!”

He made it all the way to the boba stand before he realized that he was being followed.

“Fuck off, Princess.”

“You dragged me on this trip,” She replied evenly. “Actions have consequences.”

It was the closest to sarcasm he’d ever heard her get, so he begrudgingly didn’t protest further. The ghost everyone was afraid of preferred secluded areas, after all. They wouldn’t strike in the middle of a brightly lit, crowded as hell building.

“Hi!” The Chinese girl behind the counter chirped at their approach. “What can I get you?”

“What’s good?” Kyran asked, scanning the menu and trying hard not to scowl. His classmates deserved his ire - retail workers didn’t.

“Depends on what you like - the lavender is pretty interesting.”

“Sure, that.”

“Great! And you, ma’am?”

“Er, same thing.”

The girl didn’t notice the hesitance as she put their orders into the computer, but Kyran glanced back as he passed her the money. He’d had his suspicions, of course, but every time she opened her mouth he grew more certain that the weirdo had never had a real childhood.

Maybe they could start a club.

“Here’s your change!” The girl said, dragging him out of his thoughts.

He turned and accepted the coins - and found his gaze drawn to her pin-laden denim jacket. More specifically, the white pin with the thick purple line in the middle.

“Nice pin,” He said, jutting his chin out towards it.

“Huh?” She glanced down, then beamed up at him with excitement. “Thanks!”

“I’ve got a friend who had something similar,” He added, his throat tightening as the words clawed their way out. 

“Oh, nice. I can give you the website that I got it from, if you want to buy them a present!”

“Uh, no, thanks. She hasn’t got much use for gifts anymore.”

The girl snorted, and then the man who was also working at the booth called, “Jing, come help me!” and she hurried away.

Kyran heaved a sigh, then turned to see Vera staring at him.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“Nothing.” Unruffled as ever - she was almost as obnoxious as Tuliana. “I thought you didn’t have friends.”

“I don’t,” He snapped, already regretting the moment of weakness. At least Vera wasn’t the gossiping type. “Not anymore. What do you care?”

“I don’t.”

She said that, but she also kept stealing glances at him for the rest of their little shopping trip. By the time they left, just before the mall closed as the sun was setting below the horizon, he was ready to commit arson just for some kind of release.

The city buildings cast long shadows in the fading sunlight, and his classmates at least had the common sense to lower their voices as they walked. They were still in a populated part of the city, but they were fast-approaching that time where it was too late for the day crowd to still be heading home, but too early for the night crowd to start leaving home.

“Oh, hey, come on!” Briony said suddenly, her voice leaping half an octave in her excitement. “It’s a shortcut - it’ll get us to the nearest stop just in time for the next bus!”

“Wait, I’m not sure-” Zahir tried to protest, but she was already taking off down the darkened alleyway.

Kyran swore and took off after her, and the others followed close behind. 

Luckily she hadn’t gotten far - barely halfway down the alleyway before she stopped, apparently waiting for them to catch up.

“Do you want to fucking die?” He snapped, grabbing her shoulder and yanking her around to face him. “We need to stick together, or-”

“Well, well, well. Who is it that’s flown into my web this time?”

Or that.

Kyran shoved Briony behind him and pivoted, searching for the source of the crooning voice. It didn’t sound like it belonged to anyone much older or bigger than them, but it had just enough of an edge to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

“Oh, could it be?” The voice continued, dancing with delight. “A little herd of Falkers, out and about in the city? All alone, and so late at night - I thought you were supposed to be smart!”

“Who says we’re alone?” Kyran snarled, putting a hand out to keep his classmates from doing anything stupid. 

There was the sound of sharp metal scraping against stone undercutting a breathy, unsettlingly girlish giggle, and a figure stepped into what little light was left. 

They weren’t what Kyran was expecting. Short, shorter than him, wearing jeans and sneakers and a faded purple hoodie that was missing the sleeves, leaving the person’s brown arms bare. They could almost be mistaken for a normal teenager wandering the streets - albeit a fucking jacked one - if not for the machete in their outstretched hand, resting against the wall of the building. That explained the scraping noise, at least.

“We don’t want any trouble,” Zahir called, earning a hissed shut up from Kyran.

“You don’t?” The person asked, almost sounding disappointed. “But don’t you know? That’s all you Falkers are. Little troubles, that grow up to be big strong Heroic troubles.”

“Back the fuck off now,” Kyran snarled when they took a step forward, raising his free hand in preparation. An explosion in such a tight space wasn’t ideal, but if push came to shove it would be worth it. “And no one will get hurt.”

The person paused and tilted their head. He could see the faintest flash of clever dark eyes studying him. There was something about this person, something hauntingly familiar... 

“Why don’t we make a deal?” They crooned, pushing their hood back. 

They were wearing a paneled black mask over the entirety of the bottom half of their face, but that still left the top half of their face exposed. Golden brown eyes with heavy bags under them, freckles, their dark brown curls shaved in an undercut. A scar through their thick eyebrow. Kyran narrowed his eyes. It was right there, staring him in the face, why couldn’t he figure it out-

“You give me your jacket, and I’ll let you go.”

“My jacket?” He glanced down at the leather jacket he was wrapped up in, worn to comfortable softness and right on the edge of being too small. “No fucking way.”

“Kyran,” Ibrahim whispered urgently.

“I said no,” He snapped, lifting his hand a little higher and curling his finger into the beginnings of a flick. If they made even the slightest of moves, kaboom. “I’m not giving some whacko my jacket.”

“Oh, but it’s not your jacket, now is it?” They said softly, taking another step forward. They were within arm’s reach. He needed to use his Gift, or throw a punch, or run, or something - but he was paralyzed, mesmerized by those far-too-knowing eyes. “You stole it from your friend, didn’t you? That night in the hospital? You chased her out, blamed her for your own damn issues, and then stole the jacket she left behind?”

“How do you know that?” He whispered.

“Oh, I know all about you, Kruze Cinege.”

She - because the only person who would ever call him that was a ‘she’ - smiled and pulled the mask down around her neck. Her nose was broad and freckled, her chin rounded and soft, her lips stretched in a smile he’d seen a hundred times before - but this one was mangled and bitter and empty, a fucked up facsimile of the original.

She’d gotten a haircut, gathered a few more scars, lost the spark that used to make her shine so bright - but she still managed to be unmistakable. 

No wonder they called her a ghost.

“Sofia?”

[ten-thousand-paper-wasps]

It wasn't the sex, not exactly. Sex for Nells was entirely casual, it hardly meant anything, harmless fun. It was easy.

Morrin wasn't easy, in any sense of the word. She was caustic, irritable and derisive and she made sure he knew exactly how much he displeased her.

He loved her, the way one might love a particularly ruinous cat, or an especially difficult grandmother. She was his darling, furious counterpart.

She carried him home in her arms. He trusted her with his back in a fight, with his life. There were no secrets he would hide from her.

But evidently, the feeling wasn't mutual.

"Make it good for me, pet," she commanded, like a god to its acolytes.

And Nells, in her thrall, fell to worship.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

On the third day, he came awake to the sound of muffled sobbing. Zakurr loomed over him, eyes screwed shut, kneeling in a desperate prayer. Falk sat at his side, their hand on Nells' heart and eyes glowing with power.

The crying had to be Morrin, then.

He reached for their hands. He was okay. He was home.

He was also exceptionally tender, which was absolutely not improved by being crushed by an anxious orc and his massive, beautiful biceps. Oh, how he's missed Zakurr.

When Falk ends the spell and their eyes return to normal, Nells sits up. "Where's Morrin?"

"She went to bed," Falk tells him. "Been a long couple of days, needed some time to herself. You know how she gets."

"Was up all night again, too," Zakurr added. "She's been in a right state since she brought you back."

Falk shoots a glare at Zakurr. "She just needs space," they said. "Nothing wrong with a girl taking time to sort her feelings. Was both of you covered in blood when you got in, of course she's been worried."

"But so have we, dearest," Zakurr rumbles. Worried for both of you, we were. I thought...Nells, I thought I was going to lose you. You wouldn't wake up."

"I'm okay, really," he reassures them. "What about--"

"She told us what happened. It's far from my place to say, mind, but I suspect she's feeling a bit conflicted."

Falk glares at Zakurr again, and Nells resolves to talk to Morrin immediately.

His stomach gurgles. Immediately after breakfast.

"I made soup," says his beautiful, magnificent orc. Nells thinks, for the thirtieth time in a week, that he's in love.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Once they're on the road again, Nells asks her. "Morrin, can we talk?"

"I don't especially want to talk with you, Nells, pleased though I am that you're alive."

"See, I weren't really asking, dearest, I do very much need to speak with you." Owlsby chose that moment to skitter up his body to perch on his shoulder, clicking his mandibles together.

"Seems to be a theme for you," she spits, "asking without asking."

He's taken aback by the accusation behind the words. He'd asked her, absolutely. Made damn sure of it, he had. "I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, don't beg, my pretty pet, not when your mouth can be better put to use. You can call it a duty, if you like."

Falk, just ahead, whipped around. "Morrin, that was uncalled for."

"Perhaps we can all discuss this more constructively?" Zakurr suggested. "If we’re to be together for as long as we will, I'd like no resentment among us."

"Morrin?" he tries again, "Did I dishonor you?" He almost fears the answer.

"It was a duty," she eventually says. "When you have a duty, there is no want or fear, only that it must be done."

"Morrin," he whispers, horrified, "have I sinned against you?"

"It was a duty," she repeats. "I would have done it regardless. It matters not if one wants it, one simply does it."

"I'm not asking about your thrice-damned duty, you stubborn, half-spent candlestick, I'm asking--"

"You did me no dishonor, Nells, but by the flames, I wasn't ready! I needed tenderness! You fucked me, you sputtering ball of wax, you fucked me and I loved it! I loved every minute, even though it meant nothing! It meant nothing, Nells, and that is your dishonor, not that you did it in the first place!"

Morrin had tears in her eyes again, but so did he. Merciful fires of birthing, ash on the hearth, smoke on the wind. He was stupid. He was so, so stupid.

They spend the rest of the afternoon in uneasy silence.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

After dinner, which is a stew made with the rabbits Falk caught earlier in the day, Nells feels ready to try again. He did wrong by her, and he must apologize.

"Morrin? May I speak with you?"

It's another long pause before she answers. "Aye."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I pushed you, I'm sorry that I didn't consider your feelings. I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did."

She takes a ragged breath, refusing to look at him. Falk's eyes are on them, watchful and wary.

"I'm not upset that you fucked me," she said. "I'm upset with myself. It was just something I had to do, you know? A duty. I can put my feelings away for duty. It doesn't count, not if it's duty. I could do it again, if I had to."

"Look, if we fuck, we fuck. If we don't, we don't. I don't want that from you, not if you don't want it. I don't want it if it's duty."

"Nells, the plan was--"

"Ash on the hearth, damn the plan! I can't do that to you again! Next time, you overinflated gust of wind, we just fight our way out."

Morrin snorted, and he thought he saw the ghost of a smile. "A castle that big? Maybe if you brought your newest husband with you. I'm not sure I have the strength to do it, myself."

"Come now," he laughs, "Zakurr couldn't pull off that level of deception, you've seen how huge he is."

"If he were much bigger, he'd break you in half," she says, a genuine grin on her face.

They were going to be okay. Coals on the sands, they were going to be okay.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

They don't touch anymore after that.

They love eachother the way they always have, but the easiness is gone, a brittle anxiety in its place. If they lean together, they jump apart. They stop hugging. Cuddling. Even sparring together has become too much touch to tolerate.

Zakurr was worried. Falk was agitated. Morrin was skittish. Nells was just lonely and a little lost, yearning for the touch of his vicious paladin. All the molten magma of creation, what he'd give to only hold her hand again!

After three weeks of forced distance, he broke. "Morrin, I can't do this any longer."

She only looked at him, quiet as she's always been, lately.

"This has to stop," Nells insists. "I hurt you, I did harm to your person. You are within your rights to be cross with me. But this, Morrin, this silence, this distance between us, it cannot go on! Carve your price from my back if you will, only be at my side again. Be my shield, my sensibility."

"Are you truly so lost, Nells?" Her voice is rough with disuse.

"Morrin, please, let us end this--"

"Spar with me."

"You want to spar?" he asks, hopeful.

"Dearest," says Zakurr, "are you quite sure this is wise?"

"It's what he needs," she grinds out. She draws her monstrous greataxe and steps toward him, and Nells mirrors her pose with a staff.

"Then you can do it elsewhere, away from my cooking," Zakurr commands. "I'll not have you knocking over dinner in a fit, either of you."

Falk says nothing, absorbed in his stew.

.

Her first strike is fast and brutal, and it's all he can do to keep out of her reach. Her beast of an axe is heavy, sharp, and unforgiving. If this is what she carries every day, it is little wonder she's so strong.

He snaps out of his thoughts as the branch he's perched on snaps in two, crushed by the metal of her weapon. He jumps up, up, out of her reach and she rages on the ground below him.

Morrin is too upset to spar safely. She's out to carve her price from his back, as he'd well offered. Sputtering candlesticks.

He comes in low, moving just slowly enough to get her close, then speeds back up to make her chase him. If she lands a blow like this, he may not survive the night.

He doesn't want to think about the idea that she's planning for it.

His staff strikes her behind the knees, on the shoulder, on the wrist, and she cries out but she does not drop her weapon. She swings again and catches his thigh with the flat of the blade.

Nells grunts in pain and drops. She didn't cut him, but that was going to leave a hell of a bruise later. He leaps back up as she swings the axe again, wincing.

The fight goes on, and on, and on. Nells and Morrin roll, twist, dance around eachother, remembering the shape of their bodies against one another.

After nearly two hours of constant, vicious combat, they stop, too tired to continue. They sit and rest, back to back, and Nells tries to burn the feeling into his memory, the weight of skin on skin.

"I'm sorry," she says, surprising him. "I went too hard." If you were any slower, I might have killed you, she doesn't say, but he hears it anyway.

"I probably had it coming," he tells her, rather than admit his panic. "Are we okay?"

She takes his hand. "I think we're okay," she says, and then she looks at him with such focus, like he's the most captivating thing she's ever seen. "Nells, back in the castle, you--"

"Upon my honor, darling Morrin, I shall never besmirch you in such a way again--"

"When you kissed me, there was, I don't know, it was a feeling, and maybe I'm being sentimental, but--"

"Morrin, I swear it, you're safe with me, let me hold you." And he pulls her to him in a soft, but solid embrace, burying his face in her mane of hair.

When he finally pulls back, she's still looking at him with those beautiful brown eyes. "Nells, it is terribly improper of me to ask this of you, but I need you to kiss me again."

Candlesticks, he really wasn't expecting that. "Er, what?"

"I've been feeling a lot of things, and I need to figure them out. This is the easiest way to do it. Kiss me, please."

"Morrin, are you feeling alright? Do you have a fever? I can fetch Zakurr, just a moment--"

"Please," she whispered. "If only once, but you must, I beg of you."

This was officially the most confusing day of his life. "Alright, dearest," he said, and he kissed her.

It was long and slow and gentle, the most tender he knew how to give. He ran a hand up her back, feeling the way their mouths fit together. Her eyes were closed. He held her more closely to him, the hand on her back pressing in, and then,

She grips his shirt in a fist and opens her mouth to him, tongues pressing together, fighting, dancing. She's taking control, forcefully, and he's letting her.

When they finally break apart, she's blushing like mad. "Did you figure things out?" he asks.

"I did," she sputters. "I figured out that you're a damnably good kisser, but I'm not in love with you, and as enjoyable as it was, I don't think I want to fuck you again." She pauses a moment. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah," Nells chuckles. "We're okay.

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to 2017 college football TV watch ‘em ups: week 3

I’ve heard all of the complaints about this week’s games but you can all go to hell. One great game is all it takes to have a great week.

But there will be others! Just have faith, some of these off brand games are gonna be a hell of a lot of fun. Trust yourself to the degeneracy. Going outside and/or talking to people is a lost cause that will bring you nothing but pain and confusion. The scorch is alive with the sounds of gambling!

We don’t have enough site visitors for you to not know the deal already. All times are listed in EST because that’s how they come from FBSchedules. Following my gambling advice is likely to make your life exponentially worse. Drink more. If you’re reading this you need a drink. And some drugs. 

If you ask what time or what channel a game is on in the comments you deserve to be banned. Absolutely brilliant header image pilfered here.

If you need something besides football to fill your time, go back and watch this classic episode of Geraldo featuring the guy Macauley Culkin played in Party Monster as well as a young RuPaul.

Saturday, Sept. 16, 2017

Matchup                                                                  Time (ET)                       TV

Air Force at (7) Michigan                                        Noon                          BTN

I’ve been joking all week that Air Force is gonna spring the upset here. I don’t believe that at all but I would totally take them to cover +27 if you can still get that anywhere. +23 is getting a little dicey, though.

Delaware State at West Virginia                             Noon           ROOT SPORTS

I’m not opposed to horrific beatdowns as entertainment. If WFV is up by 40 in the first half I might switch to this.

Iowa State at Akron                                                 Noon                    CBSSN

Pretty sure I’ve met my quota of Iowa State football this year and my MAC quota is however much Miami plays a MAC team.

Kansas at Ohio                                                         Noon                     ESPNU

Ohio is a bottom 10 team in the country but are they “lose to Kansas” bad? Only one way to find out: by reading the box score after the game is over.

NIU at Nebraska                                                       Noon                      FS1

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Bear with me here, we haven’t gotten through the noon games yet.

(9) Oklahoma State at Pittsburgh                            Noon                    ESPN 

Here, here, look! A top 10 team can lose a big upset to an unranked team that isn’t even any good. That isn’t something that interests you? No? Really? OK, well we aren’t friends in real life.

(25) UCLA at Memphis                                              Noon                      ABC 

Memphis might be better as a team than UCLA. Not more talented, mind you, because UCLA is actually very talented. But better as a team because they aren’t coached by Jim Mora Jr. He’s the worst. Memphis is thoroughly OK and it’s not inconceivable to me that Riley Ferguson ends up as a better pro than Josh Rosen.

UConn at Virginia                                                      Noon                    ESPN2 

This is a fucking abomination. Pray for the poor pro scouts stuck watching this bullshit because of the 7 or so NFL prospects involved.

UL Lafayette at Texas A&M                                      Noon                    SECN 

I don’t hate Kevin Sumlin but this job might kill him. I want him back in the AAC tier of coaching jobs. He coached some fun teams at Houston, I hope he’s saved up enough that a move back to that level won’t cause him any real pain.

Furman at NC State                                                  12:20 pm                ACCN 

Holy fuck. Don’t watch this.

Baylor at Duke                                                           12:30 pm                   RSN

I don’t know how to choose sides between the athletics department that is basically the embodiment of the evil that men can do in the name of protecting the runaway cash cow that “amateur athletics” can become on one side and Baylor on the other.

Coastal Carolina at UAB                                            1:00 pm     Raycom (local)

I think Raycom is the name of one of the lead characters in the Left Behind books. And now he’s out here broadcasting nearly football games for his friends and family.

Northern Colorado at Colorado                                2:00 pm              Pac-12N 

I’ve come to realize that the Pac-12 added Colorado just for schedule coverage on Saturdays. It worked out really well last year when they had four NFL defensive backs but I’m not recommending that you watch Rocky Mountain Iowa for fun. 

Tennessee Tech at Ball State                                     3:00 pm               ESPN3 

It’s awesome that some games don’t get to play on TV at all and this one is on some version of ESPN.

Utah State at Wake Forest                                        3:00 pm        ACCNExtra 

Hell, there’s only got to be one half decent game on at a time. This isn’t one of those but I mean to say stick with it and don’t leave me alone here watching all day college football by myself and talking to my walls.

Central Michigan at Syracuse                                   3:30 pm        ACCNExtra

When Syracuse fucked up the Big East they should have joined the MAC. Dino Babers is a perfect MAC coach.

FIU at Indiana                                    —Canceled

No word yet if this game was cancelled due to infrastructure issues or a general lack of interest.

Morgan State at Rutgers                                           3:30 pm               BTN 

This is very grim. Is Rutgers able to lose to Morgan State? I don’t know. Probably. 

Middle Tennessee at Minnesota                               3:30 pm              BTN 

Here we go, Richie James versus the Row the Boat guy. This could have some fun highlights. Has PJ Fleck actually gotten anything going at Minnesota or is still way too early? I’m honestly asking.

North Carolina at Old Dominion                               3:30 pm          Stadium

Reminder: Stadium is an app. You have to download it to watch. It’s free which is still way too much to pay to watch this game.

North Texas at Iowa                                                  3:30 pm              ESPN2 

I might honestly hate football by the time the Lamar Jackson game starts.

Notre Dame at Boston College                                3:30 pm               ESPN 

Notre Dame will be playing for revenge after Boston College tricked them into hiring Brian Kelly. I’ll keep an eye on the score but the expected entertainment value in watching this game is negative.

SMU at (20) TCU                                                        3:30 pm             ESPNU 

I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m intrigued by this game but I’m maybe pre-intrigued. Like Courtland Sutton is huge and could go off at any time but there’s a realistic chance that TCU wins by 60, also.

(23) Tennessee at (24) Florida                                   3:30 pm               CBS

It’s been 20 years since that stretch where this rivalry was contending for best game each year. Now, UF has an offensive guru head coach who is leading them to a third straight season of worse than top 100 offense and Tennessee has a head coach who’s actually even more inexplicably still employed. Feel the excitement!

(16) Virginia Tech at East Carolina                            3:30 pm            CBSSN 

Justin Fuente was a really great hire by Virginia Tech. It seems to have re-energized Bud Foster, the offense looks good. I absolutely fucking hate it.

(10) Wisconsin at BYU                                               3:30 pm                 ABC 

BYU used to have all kinds of big name opponents every year, back in the days before Don Juan Alvarez turned Wisconsin into a really good program. I like the idea of this matchup, in large part because it’s being played in Utah. BYU isn’t great right now but this is a tough spot to win on the road. If Wisconsin does blow the doors off BYU, I hope it’s behind a bunch of carries from Jonathan Taylor. I’m mulling over having him on the RTARLsman list next week.

Mercer at (15) Auburn                                              4:00 pm             SECN Alt. 

This is a very SEC kind of game. Good job scheduling this as the follow up to being mauled by Clemson. I’m not even being snarky, this is perfect. Not even the least bit watchable but should be great for the team.

Purdue at Missouri                                                   4:00 pm                  SECN

Missouri is favored by 7 and I kind of feel like that’s a mistake. Jeff Brohm is a low key contender for best coaching hire of 2017.

Army at (8) Ohio State                                              4:30 pm                 FOX 

The last time I felt this unsure about Ohio State Spencer started railing about Tom Herman being the best OC in the country, the Buckeyes went on a 13-game winning streak and won a national title. Now Spencer hates sports, Tom Herman is a shitty head coach in Texas and if Ohio State’s offense continues the way it’s gone so far this year then Urban Meyer will be forced by god to spend some time with his family. Go Army.

Oregon State at (21) Washington State                   5:30 pm               Pac-12N 

This is probably not going to make any sense to anybody that didn’t watch the game but Washington State actually looked kind of shitty even while they were coming back from a 21-point deficit last week. Luke Falk got hurt but I didn’t follow up to see the severity of it. I mean all this to say this is a game only a gambler can love.

Colgate at Buffalo              ��                                       6:00 pm               ESPN3

Can the bison avoid having their teeth cleaned?

North Carolina A&T at Charlotte                               6:00 pm  WCCB/CUSA.TV

I’ll say this for UNC, Larry Fedora does put together an interesting game plan. I’m not really sold on any of their talent this year but I’m still not sold on Mitch Trubisky, either, and that turned out pretty well for them.

Tulane at (2) Oklahoma                                              6:00 pm           FSOK PPV 

Somebody who fucks mud, please explain why this is only on PPV? Is that a mistake on the schedule or Oklahoma really trying to become the flyover version of Hawaii? For what it’s worth my impression of Oklahoma bashing Ohio State last week is that every single reaction to that game was outsized. Oklahoma is not the 2nd best team in the country.

Bethune-Cookman at Florida Atlantic                     6:30 pm       beIN SPORTS

Go Wildcats.

Kent State at Marshall                                               6:30 pm            CUSA.TV

The bad part is almost over.

Alabama A&M at South Alabama                              7:00 pm              ESPN3 

USA has been a disappointment so far but there isn’t even a line for this game so what the hell does information even do for you here?

Appalachian State at Texas State                             7:00 pm              ESPN3

When you look at every game all lined up one by one like this it seems like the bad stretches on for miles in every direction but the truth is you don’t even have to think about these games at 7pm because there’s other better stuff on.

Colorado State at (1) Alabama                                  7:00 pm             ESPN2 

Colorado State isn’t a complete patsy but they’re enough of a patsy that a 28.5 point line is enticing. The under seems close to safe if you get it at 54.

Idaho at Western Michigan                                        7:00 pm            ESPN3 

Idaho’s farewell to 1-A tour continues its journey through the worst places in college football. There’s not much good that can come of this one.

Idaho State at Nevada                                                7:00 pm         ATTSNRM 

Nobody gives a shit about this game but as a mascot fight it’s a classic. A Bengal tiger versus a pack of wolves? You assume the wolves would outflank the tiger but a really huge tiger is capable of making a lot of death happen.

Louisiana Tech at WKU                                               7:00 pm           Stadium

This was a pretty cool talent showcase the last few years (even though WKU was actually boring to watch under Jeff Brohm) but I don’t know about it this year. 

(12) LSU at Mississippi State                                     7:00 pm                ESPN

Arden Key vs. Nick Fitzgerald is interesting on both sides. Key’s build and jersey call to mind nightmares of Barkevious Mingo but you’ve got to keep trying for it with athletic talent. Fitzgerald is pretty athletic in his own right. On the other side this should be a pretty good chance for Derrius Guice to get his stats to start looking impressive.

Oregon at Wyoming                                                    7:00 pm              CBSSN 

I’ve got a sadistic interest in this game. Oregon may not be good on defense but they are really fast and that should be enough to make Josh Allen look ridiculous again. 

Southern at UTSA                                                 7:00 pm  KCWX-TV/CUSA.TV

It took a little longer than I’d hoped but it looks like UTSA has reached the pinnacle of mediocrity that Larry Coker dreamed of when he started the program.

Southern Miss at ULM                                              7:00 pm                ESPN3 

I won’t see a second of it but this is the kind of unloved game that keeps me invested in football. I don’t know if there’s any single player in this one that I want to see but it’s so indie.

Tulsa at Toledo                                                           7:00 pm               ESPN3

I can’t explain what it is that make me love Southern Miss-ULM and hate this one but I hate this one.

UAPB at Ar(18) Kansas State                                    7:00 pm             ESPN3

Haha - I’m leaving this typo because it’s amazing. FBSchedules inserted the 18 into Arkansas State’s name and made this much weirder and worse than it actually is.

Bowling Green at Northwestern                               7:30 pm                 BTN 

Thank god there’s no reason to be stuck watching this.

Georgia State at (5) Penn State                                 7:30 pm                BTN 

James Franklin is horrible and wants everything to be terrible and that’s why he doesn’t let Saquon Barkley touch the ball more than 10 times per game.

Georgia Tech at UCF                            —Canceled

I’m going to look around one day and I won’t even be an oddity for loving the triple option the way I do and then it will lose its magic.

(18) Kansas State at Vanderbilt                                 7:30 pm              ESPNU 

This is somehow boring and exciting at the same time. I think Vanderbilt is actually the better team but maybe I’m overselling them in my mind now to make up for how little I thought of them before the year?

Kentucky at South Carolina                                       7:30 pm                SECN 

I’m not getting sucked into this garbage pile.

Samford at (13) Georgia                                              7:30 pm          SECN Alt. 

This is a practice game. You don’t need to watch this even if you love UGA.

Arizona State at Texas Tech                                        8:00 pm                 FSN 

I guess Arizona State fans are going berserk on social media calling the players names, asking for the coaches to be fired. They’re taking that into a Big XII game which could be just what the doctor ordered! If the doctor wants Arizona State to keep getting shitty @s from their fans. That’s a very cruel doctor but not the worst that I’ve ever heard of.

Cincinnati at Miami, OH                                               8:00 pm  FOX 19/ESPN3

This game is so bad that it’s actually a question whether it’s better or worse than an NFL game between Cincinnati and Miami.

(3) Clemson at (14) Louisville                                       8:00 pm                 ABC 

Woo! This is all that matters. If Lamar Jackson is as good in real life as he is in my mind this will be the game of the year. Somewhere in the early stages of the second quarter, the Canelo-GGG undercard will start. Hopefully that main event starts just as this main event ends. I don’t want any overlap.

(17) Miami, FL at (11) Florida State              —PPD to 10/07

In purely football terms this seems like a best case scenario for both teams to postpone the game. Miami looked rough around the edges in their first game and FSU lost their starting QB in their first game. 

Rice at Houston                                                            8:00 pm              ESPN3

Everything starting at 8pm is counter-programming but this is Ed Oliver’s show. Which is worth checking in for even against Rice.

Troy at New Mexico State                                            8:00 pm             ESPN3 

This is a conference game. That’s all I have to say about this one.

Texas at (4) USC                                                            8:30 pm                FOX 

Hilariously, on a player for player basis, Texas is about even with USC. In theory! Realistically none of those players play well with each other and there doesn’t even seem to be an actual gameplan just yet. So the question is whether or not USC can cover a pretty huge spread. I feel like no? For some reason.

Fresno State at (6) Washington                                    9:30 pm          Pac-12N

I’m really looking forward to people nationwide discovering that UDub is still undefeated when they play USC.

San Jose State at Utah                                                 10:00 pm           ESPN2

Late night football is supposed to be weird and this is where things start to devolve into pure late night degeneracy.

University of Mississippi, Oxford at California           10:30 pm            ESPN 

Duhhhhhhhh, thesche schnowfthlakes in Berkeley can’t handle conthervatiff idealsch. I want to just enjoy the oddball cross-country Power 5 matchup but now I’m just stuck here thinking of the shitty Berkeley Bears as football antifa and I have to root for them. That’s a me problem, to be sure, but I can really only ever root against Mississippi anyway. Still, fuck Ben Shapiro, fuck small government, fuck the concept of “entitlements” and fuck white supremacy bullshit dressed up in the language of intellectual curiosity or purity. Woohoo, go footballs.

(19) Stanford at San Diego State                                 10:30 pm          CBSSN 

Rashaad Penny is bulked up more than Ronald Jones II, who ran over Stanford last week, but SDSU doesn’t have anything close to the OL talent that USC does. This is going could still be on at midnight on the West Coast, hopefully it will stay competitive that long. Or SDSU can rip Stanford, I’d be good with that, too.

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