#was kinda all over the place (mentally) in october tbh and my default is to kinda just shy away from literally everyone and everything rip

[kalloway]

anyone else finding it literally impossible to work on things these days?

I either don’t draw at all, or I do but can’t get far into a drawing before I lose all interest, and it has resulted in October being the most unproductive month I’ve had this year. And last year. And the year before that.

...maybe it’s just the season???

[theposersclub-blog]

Down Dog Diaries: Late October 2017

10/23/2017  It's been awhile since I've written, partially (mostly?) because I feel like a loser.  I went into October intending to practice yoga every single day and was convinced I’d make it happen.  I had detailed schedules written out and everything, but daily yoga just...has not occurred.  What's most troubling to me is not that I skipped some days, but the fact that I have such a relentless "all or nothing" mentality in the first place...with yoga, projects, basic adult responsibilities, all of the above.  My default POV is that any little slip-up equals ULTIMATE FAIL and I must reprimand myself for as long as possible.  So naturally, the pity party has been alive and well these past few weeks.

It's kinda exhausting.

If I were my therapist, I'd tell myself to stop focusing so much on what isn't going as expected, and focus on the wins instead.  Negative Nancy in my brain is all like, "Gurrrrrl.  What wins???  We over here playing JRPGs and eating all the donuts instead of yoga-ing #everydamnday!!!  Stop frontin'."  And yes, it's true.  I've racked up close to 50 hours of gameplay on NiNoKuNi: Wrath of the White Witch, pastries are queen, and Nance is seriously trying to keep your girl down.

But my therapist is always right, so we should probably talk about some wins.  Check it...

1.  Next week is the last week of my (very first) 8-week studio course and I didn't miss one class.  It might not seem like much, but as a lifelong/chronic ditcher, perfect attendance is quite an accomplishment for me.  Not to mention this class has kinda been a game-changer in all the right ways as far as my personal yoga practice is concerned, so we can safely say I got my money's worth.

2.  Another 8-week session of the aforementioned studio course starts up next month, and I’m digging Iyengar and this particular teacher so hard that I've decided to register for it as well.  Which means that by 2018, I'll have four months of Iyengar-style studio training under my belt.  Rad.

3.  As lazy I sometimes feel, I still see to it that I practice yoga 3-5 times every single week.  I legitimately don't think one week has passed since mid-May where I've practiced less than thrice...more often than not, I end the week with a solid four asana sessions under my belt.

4.  Nowadays when I'm in Downward Dog, my heels get sooooooo close to touching the ground, so that’s sort of sweet.  I'm also able to do Upward-Facing Dog without dying.  Consistently.  This is real dope to me considering the upper body strength (or lack thereof) I've been blessed with.

5.  I can hold Tree Pose forbasicallyever these days, and am able to rest my raised foot comfortably on my thigh on either side...for most of the summer, it was chilling at calf-level every single time.  Being a tree is kinda my favorite TBH.

6.  I've attempted a couple of crazy inversions that I never thought I'd try, especially in front of other humans.  Some of them (hey devil forearm stand, I'm talkin' to you, jerk!) have been a bust for sure.  But the cool thing is that my inability to do some these poses only makes me want to perfect them more.  I've started to incorporate very specific strengthening poses into my routine in hopes of building baby muscles and chilling upside-down someday.

7.  My hips barely ever hurt anymore.  Hip pain is one of the main reasons I decided to get back into yoga to begin with...I was initially unwilling to try physical activity because I could barely move when the pain was at its worst.  A co-worker told me that yoga helps with hip pain and I thought he was cuckoo, but I was, in fact, the only cuckoo.  Yoga is medicine.

8.  Oh, yeah, and my panic attacks are few and far between.  Obviously problematic thoughts and anxiety still plague me at times...but comparatively, I feel fantastic.  A year ago, I was having almost daily panic attacks, not to mention skipping showers and staying in PJs as often as possible, letting my home become an actual pig pen, and calling off of work (at a job I hated, at that) at least once a month because I was too depressed or anxious to move.  Today the frequency of the attacks have decreased and I'm so much calmer and focused overall.  While there are lots of factors playing into this, I'm certain that yoga has had one of the biggest impacts.  It's like one day I decided to start practicing alongside Yoga with Adriene in my living room for funsies, and all the sudden six months have passed and my whole life has changed for the better.  Yoga is so fundamentally part of it all now.  It's the craziest, most brilliant thing.  

Moral of the story?  Negative Nancy can take a hike.  On this sticky mat, we celebrate the wins and we do it with savasana, donuts, and video games.

Nama-friggin'-ste.