#watch me overthink a joke about packed lunches that comes up twice

[curious-sootball]

I have been thinking about Victoria's interactions with the main cast and I have a lot to ramble about

Customary deadlands campaign spoiler warning

First, just how much more Victoria knows about the main cast than she lets on? Croyd's Wrath is established as a very small town, there's no way she missed everyone's shenanigans there unless she put active effort into ignoring those – in particular, Delacy shooting No Security Deposit Bill in the knee and Silas scaring Arlo into cutting down the bribe(also the bartender from the town saloon to the lesser extent - he got away unharmed, just terrified beyond reasoning). Like, those people live right there, in town, and the gang stayed there for at least a week and a half, most likely a little more – between Silas having a messed up shoulder after a sasquatch fight, Delacy getting non-fatally shot in Dead Man's Worth and Edie resting and healing after both her bounty hunting trips. General store visits would've gotten pretty awkward. Imagine Victoria politely, but firmly establishing house rules on things like not casting Infest or checking if the Coup is working inside of her house.

I know the packed lunch bit was mostly for laughs, but rewatching it with the ending(and the Q&A) in mind turns it genuinely heartbreaking. On one hand, Victoria at that point is established as unfailingly polite, if a bit distant - so, her making packed lunch for her tenants/hired bounty hunters when they ask for it sounds like her being polite. On the other hand - Edie mentions that she expected to receive snacks, not a full-on packed lunch, and Silas goes straight to polishing off the pot of homemade hummus that he was given: Victoria clearly given them more than what they've expected to receive. Also, Silas sounded like he was joking around when he asked for packed lunches - implying that he either expected snacks, like Edie, or didn't expect anything at all(which isn't illogical; most people in such circumstances would either make their own packed lunches or skip a lunch altogether, not ask someone to make one for them), and then Victoria went ahead and made packed lunches for them both anyway without saying much about it. This hits very different after both "I came to consider you my friends" and "The other Horsemen were her family": this bit reads like a genuine moment of kindness to me, because Victoria already gave the gang one hell of a motivator to work with her at that point(2000$ for each bounty), she didn't really need to keep convincing them. Also, note that the second person who asked for packed lunch is Edie – who has shown compassion to Victoria when she shared her backstory. Think about it: from Victoria's point of view, she's reliving the greatest failure of her entire existence – failing to properly start the Apocalypse, getting betrayed by people she considered her family(as much as such concept can be applied to them) and having her powers sealed away; then, Edie, at the moment basically a stranger, swoops in and says "you say you aren't strong, but for surviving all this, I think you are pretty strong". I am unwell about this scene.

And when (almost)all is said and done, during the final confrontation, Nate drops this line: "Never make friends with people you're paying; they will not respect you". I know, Delacy's "We already killed four horsemen. We can kill a fifth" while making eye contact with Victoria is iconic, but I think it was Nate's line that emotionally destroyed Victoria, though Edie's monster hunter speech and "She wants you to become [a monster] as well" "That's even worse!" are close contenders. Think about it: she thougt she finally found strong, capable candidates to replace the original Horsemen(who had betrayed her), she considered them friends, and one of them just up and said that it never was the relationship she assumed it was. That it had no chances of becoming that relationship from the start.

[lenaluthorownsme-blog]

First, I would not deny the fact that I have been privileged in every aspect, especially when I was a kid. By privileged, I mean it most on food. Since I was a child I was always told that it was okay, it was okay to have an extra serving of this and that – of everything. It was awesome back then; I can always get that extra pack of Skittles, of M&Ms, and of almost all my favorite food to eat and it was okay to do just that, until it was not. Until adolescence hit me, until I can no longer look at myself on the mirror without cringing, without being disgusted, without hating myself for how I looked. Until I started being conscious of how people see me and what they see when they look at me, at adolescence it was scary.

I got my period a little too early on, but it was normal for a teenager I was told. Until college came the same time hormonal imbalance slipped right in, it was severe in a sense that the monthly cycle began to be a twice-a-year-thing. And I think that has been one of the many reasons I started gaining weight. College was a constant cycle of starting a diet and losing track of the goal, putting another day of exercise off, talking myself out of doing the things that will help me feel better about myself, just because I know I can always do it tomorrow. Yes, the magical promise of a new start brought to me by tomorrow was not as magical as it sounds every time the fact that I lost another day of progress flaunts its face on the mirror the morning after the night of full procrastination.

I love food. It is not a shocking revelation but I do! I even eat when I’m not hungry just bored. I love snacking. I love meat, and rice was a staple in all of them big meals. That was the reason why I found it really hard to find the type of diet I can stick too. I’m always too scared to let go of my usual, I mean, aren’t we all? (It’s just me! haha) Anyway, I know I’ve lacked will and discipline in college because I always have an excuse to eat out or just eat. There’s always dad’s cooking, a hangout, an overnight project, a classmate’s birthday treat, a four to five hour break in between subjects and all the excuse you can use when you’re mentally stressed and physically exhausted. That took a toll on me and it wasn’t pretty because I started stress eating then I’d feel bad about myself for stress eating that usually ends up with me snacking – unhealthy snacks. On top of that, I lived a pretty sedentary life, the only ‘workout’ I get in a weekday is walking around the campus, which wasn’t much either and none on the weekends. (Not with all these series and movies to watch and books to read. Another lame excuse I know that too.)

I was a year through my first job when something in my brain clicked, I can’t remember exactly what made me decide to give up my usual ways to be healthier, maybe it was all because of the added struggles that came along being overweight (That word stung and every now and then it still does). Around April 2017, I summoned every ounce of courage and discipline and will I have in me to actually turn my back to rice and snacking, my two guilty pleasures.

It was hard. It took more than a dozen times of explaining to my officemates and friends and family that I’ve completely blocked out rice in my daily meals. At first, they thought I was joking and believe me, I thought I did too. But the burrowed guilt from years of living unhealthily (at least for me) is no longer bearable. I know guilt isn’t something that should be a constant part of my dealing with food but I couldn’t deny that for the first few months guilt, fuelled the fire of staying in track and finally working out.

I must admit that I became a calorie-restricted-person and a calorie-counter. It used to drive my officemates and my parents crazy until they got used to it. I know it doesn’t work the same with other people but I like implementing rules on myself and calorie restrictions and calorie counting has become my golden rule. My daily routine of breakfast-lunch-snacks-snacks-dinner was suddenly just lunch & dinner.

After cutting all the bad habits, the next thing I worried about was the relapse. So instead of being bored, which I know would get me to thinking about food and eventually eating, I focused on researching about other types of diet, until I came across intermittent fasting. I started on intermittent fasting a month after I gave up rice, fast food, chocolates, candies, chips, cookies, biscuits, fruit juices, sodas, and any other types of food I deemed indulgent.

I started on a 12-14 hour fasting to 16-18 hours, and of course, hunger was a great distraction in the first few weeks so I gave in and inserted coffee instead of water to pacify it and that actually worked just fine for me. My routine was to replace breakfast meal with coffee, eat my lunch at around 1pm and eat my dinner no later than 8pm.

Aside from that, I started working out after work everyday. I used various apps like Walking, SWORKIT, and STRAVA to help me with what type of workout I should do everyday, and to keep track on my health and the activities I was able to perform. I also keep MyFitnessPal handy to monitor the foods I eat every day, like a diary. Only it tells me how much calorie I’ve already eaten, how much more I need to fulfil my healthy goal of 1300 calories, and how much calorie I’ve burned through out the day.

Processed with VSCO with s3 preset

During the first two months, I thought I was just being ridiculous because I can’t see any changes yet, the last time I weighed in by this time was the one before I went into the whole diet and I was scared of weighing in again and see that not much has changed. My brain really does the trick on me, with all the overthinking about what my parents and friends and officemates who came to know about me going on a diet would have to say. You see, until then I was concern about what other people has to say like it mattered and I know it’s a bad thing but I can’t just stop at least not at that time. Because it was also a driver for me to do better and prove them wrong.

And then June came, when I told myself ‘fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I have to do and not wait for the results to come fast’ because by then I knew waiting impatiently on seeing the results right away would just waste the energy I can use for other more worthwhile activities. So I stuck with my intermittent fasting and calorie counting and added a new workout that includes a pair of dumbbells instead.

By this time, I’ve already proven that being in this kind of journey having friends who actually support you (despite the teasing and occasional temptation they brought) helps a lot. Because I had to decline a few hangouts here and there, I wasn’t easily persuaded to have a lunch out, happy hour became a no go, and all other social gathering that involves eating a lot. All with a secret promise that when I reach my weight goal, I’d eventually come around, they just have to be patient to me while I do what’s best for myself.

Third month brought me confidence, although not that much but I felt it. It started when I decided to buy a of pair pants, which I dreaded doing before because I know I’ll have to look on the bigger sized ones and that was exactly what conked my self-pity before. But not that time when I was welcomed by the fact that my waistline was actually 5 inches down from the original. This month also made me feel healthier, that a few flight of stairs didn’t scare me anymore because there was no laboured breathing. Although the sweating was still there, I didn’t mind because I’ve already fallen in love with sweating, it’s scientifically proven to release toxins from the body and that’s how I felt, and it felt great.

Processed with VSCO with p5 preset

July was the three-month-progress report month. It is the month I started feeling and actually slightly seeing the changes in my body. It was also the the month I braved for the first time in my whole damn life to wear an actual swimsuit. I haven’t reached my weight goal yet but this milestone for me that time was worth celebrating.

I once read a quote about working out before in one of the fitness blender accounts on Instagram I follow that, in the first few weeks of working out you’ll feel the progress, in a fews months you’ll hear it and a few more you’ll be able to see it for yourself. And I guess they’re right, because July was also the month when I started hearing it, mostly from my officemates. They were starting to notice and they sometimes wouldn’t shut up about it. But compliments didn’t stop me from pushing myself harder, because I know I was only getting started and I still have a long way to go.

In August, I had my first ever check up with an OB, because I found a lump in one of my breasts and it was actually alarmingly big. I got scared, my overthinking got activated (not that I ever stop overthinking but I developed a special one because we have a family history). Aside from the ultrasound (that thank God told me that it was benign but needs to be monitored), I was also requested to have my ovaries checked because maybe the lump was caused by my hormonal imbalance. The results came and I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), which is the main reason why I don’t have a regular monthly cycle. I was given a pill prescription to correct my PCOS and was asked to lose more weight. I told my OB about the effort I was doing for the last four months but she said that I needed to be in my healthy BMI and that means I’m still a bit far from it but she said at least I was closer than my original weight.

The trip to the hospital, brought me a renewed cause to shed off more weight. It wasn’t just a simple looking good on a mirror or for myself anymore, it weighed heavily on my health. Because of hormonal imbalance women with PCOS are prone to gaining weight that could cause high blood pressure, sugar, and cholesterol levels. That I knew I was too young to have but could be in the immediate future if I wasn’t careful.

Being on pills made it a little harder to gradually lose weight, because increasing or normalising my estrogen levels has certain side effects, it’s either I’d lose weight or gain more. For me the side effect came in the name of plateauing. So I had no other choice but to push myself harder again and it actually made me achieve another milestone on birthday month. I was at 69kg when I started my regimen, when I weighed in again on the day of my birthday I was at 59kg and I couldn’t be happier turning 23 for that.

Processed with VSCO with f2 preset

2017 has been a whirlwind of every exciting and life changing events I’ve had in my early 20s so far. It has put me into perspective, helped me to always see the goal waiting for me on the other side and I don’t mean it only about the whole getting fit.

Processed with VSCO with c1 preset

In the last months of 2017, I started drafting my 2018 list of goals and looking back to everything I’ve done the whole year the first few things to fill the list were, be healthier, self-care, self-love, and self-improvement. I thought after all the physical work, it’s now time to take on the bigger job of being the person I really wanted to be. So here’s to you 2017, thank you for helping me finally start living my life the way I’ve always wanted it to be.

2018, we got some serious work to do and we’re so ready for it!

Here’s to you 2017… First, I would not deny the fact that I have been privileged in every aspect, especially when I was a kid.