#waxing poetry about sea slug

[octoooo]

Been staring at Cyerce Nigricans for a while now

now you have too >:)

[soulofacircus]

hi babs! 20, 86, 93, and 97 for the late night train asks <3

Hahahahahahhaa!. Knew it would be you! (You already know this shit but okay)

Do you think about your past or future more? Wow, babs, way to cut to the bone! grabs my blanket okay, erm; I try not to think of my past, but a lot of people won't let me so I work really hard in compartmentalising. I try not to think to much of the future because it depresses me even more, mostly because I know I won't be where I'd like to be.

What could you talk about for hours?

Pfft, fandom. Obvs. But, whatever ya'll want too. Talk to me about your love of plants, cars, bikes, music. Talk to me about the sea slug or sea bunny! Did you know that male fruit flies seek out alcohol when sexual rejected?. How about, it's illegal to own just one guinea pig in Switzerland?!. Heels were actually originally worn by men. Also, lager? it was created to bring women to the pubs but men took it as their own. Basically, I will wax poetry about all the things I love but I will listen and talk about yours.

What are two facts about yourself that are true, but seem contradictory? Or two beliefs you have that seem unlikely to exist together?

Well, I can't decide if this is an easy one or not.. Fact 1. I am honest. (And I mean HONEST!. I won't sugar coat. I will give you MY opinion.) Fact 2. I absolutely ABHORE hurting people, even if I don't know them. I will always try and appease people and always take the hit, end up in tears because I don't want others to feel like crap. Aka. Ride or Die!.

What is a trivial hill that you are willing to die on?

What ever hill you throw me up my loves, (looking at you lot!) sign me up for the the thing I have no idea about but I know you love or are invested in! (as long as no one is getting hurt) . I'm on that hill babe!.

[lethesomething]

Campaign resources: Torotuga, the pirate den

After three days of sailing, land finally came into view. A large island, with a small fortified city on one end, cut off from the rest of the island by steep mountains and dense jungles.  To my dismay, however, the captain curved away from that crest of civilization, turning the ship in a large arc towards the back of the island, where nothing but dense forests and swamp greeted us.

“Hoist the flag” the captain shouted, and one of the crew came out with a piece of black cloth, which he unfurled to show a white painted, rather crude depiction of a turtle. With that, a hush fell over the deck and the ship veered into a large mangrove forest, a maze of brakkish water, low fog and bleached trees. I swear I saw movement in those trees. Little flickers of light, be they lanterns or will o’ wisps, and the occasional glint of steel. It was clear to everyone traveling with me, that we were being watched. (from ‘The Sea-Faring Adventures of Milton Hornswaddle’)

Torotuga is your prototypical Pirate’s Den. It lies on the swampy half of Rhea Island, in the middle of a heavily contested region in the ocean. The island itself ‘belongs’ to the sea-faring and conquering nation of Pardoba, and it holds an outpost in the form of the military fort town of Santa Gasso. However, most of it is densely forested and if not unexplored, then at the least uncontrollable, blocked off as it is from the fort by a sheer mountain range and dense jungles. It is here, deep in a mangrove maze called the Forest of Skeleton Fingers, that you can find the bustling city of Torotuga.

The ship continued on through these treacherous waters, narrowly avoiding collisions with trees and rocks, until we finally reached what I had feared all along, a dead end. It was then that the captain came out and marched up to the bow. “Oy! Open the facking gate, ya crusty cumstain!” To my wonderment, I heard a voice coming from the nearby trees. “State your name and business,  cuntwaddle” “Marston ya old pissdog, you know damn well who I am.” There was a moment of silence, and I held my breath at such signs of incivility, praying for the gods to save me from the arrows that were sure to befall us, when the ship’s captain sighed. “I am Captain Orsric Graverobber Bones, of the Drunken Elephant. Me and my crew kindly request entry,” he said, in a tone that suggested ennui to a point i would not be able to muster. “Good enough for ya, ya vomit covered sea slug?” And with a creaking sound, a wall that had appeared to only be dead trees blocking our path, was lifted, revealing a hitherto unseen waterway further into the forest. (from ‘The Sea-Faring Adventures of Milton Hornswaddle’)

A Safe Harbor

The town of Torotuga holds about 500 semi-permanent residents, a number that can be boosted up to 2.000 by visitors.

The populace holds a few notorious criminals that have settled down far away from the law, as well as travelers and actual colonists that have stuck around. About a third of the permanent residency, however, consists of escaped slaves, either native  to neighboring islands or brought here from far-off places to work on the plantations and farms of Pardoba and a few other nations.

Trade

It is clear almost immediately to any somewhat intelligent adventurer, that the economy of Torotuga is mostly illicid, and largely circular. This is a trade hub and stock-up place for privateers and pirates, though adventuring parties, specialized traders and even certain military groups (of the underground variety) also frequent the place.

The largest trade here is ‘entertainment’. The economy of Torotuga consists for about 60 percent out of brothels and bars. Coming off a boat in the bustling harbor part of the town means  weaving your way through runners and trade deals, to be met by a veritable row of… very friendly people. Men and women beckon you, wearing bright clothes, some quite revealing, and made up with red lips and dark eyes.

Another large trade here are pawn shops or, if they try to be fancy, ‘antiques stores’. On the outskirts of the town you’ll find fishermen and a few farming communities, eking out a living on the edges of the jungle.

Architecture and craft

Torotuga gets most of its supplies from passing ships, and it shows. Most of its buildings are made out of scavenged wood and smelted or otherwise repurposed parts. Newer buildings use a mixture of ancient techniques, such as woven vines, and parts made out of metal or imported bricks.

Everything about this town has a distinct improvisational feel. The furniture and decorations are either made out of barrels, stolen off of ships or built new, with themes that remind you of the cultures native to the islands here. The whole town is a mishmash of styles, techniques and bits and bobs. True master craftsmen, however, are few in number.

There are a few carpenters, mostly specialized in boats. Apart from that you can find some relatively skilled weavers, leather workers and woodworkers, as well as smiths. Any mastercraft weaponry or armor found here is probably found or plundered, though.

It is, however, important to know that you can find Anything here, if you search hard enough. The people of Torotuga are good at finding ways, certainly if there’s coin in it. If you let them know you need a seamstress, for instance, they will absolutely find someone, even if it is the cook’s old nan, to do your thing for a pretty price.

Safety

Torotuga runs on ‘pirate’s honor’, which is to say, controlled anarchy. The place does not have a single point of authority, but instead had several factions who look out for their own. Some of the most feared of these are the Whores Patrol, a group of vigilantes that see to it that the prostitutes of the island can do their jobs safely. The artisans also have a neighbourhood watch of sorts, which is Extremely Protective of its members and most shops and bars will employ a very ostentatious group of guards.

Since there is no justice system, those caught committing a crime against someone in Torotuga will need to appeal to one of the factions or lose their hand and/or life.

Food

Torotuga has a mixture of different cuisines from the islands, mixed with the kind of stuff the pirates would know from home, in so far as this can be found. The different inns and bars serve mostly beer, but will whip you up some soup or bread and cheese, or grilled meat, when asked. Notable delicacies can be found in The Temple Bar, which serves a special stew, made of rice, wheat, sharp spices and seafood. There’s a bunch of not particularly identifiable stuff in there, but it’s very tasty. From food stalls, you can buy a simple type of taco, made of flatbread folded around a mixture of meat or poulty, mixed with random vegetables and spices. Most of the best and cheapest food can be procured from the smaller sellers, such as The Baked Potato and Kulita’s.

Notable shops

The largest pawn shop in town is The Hoard, run by a steel dragonborn, Dimitri Helfdal and his mate, a sapphire dragonborn named Irin. This shop stands in the very center of town and has carved stone walls, seemingly built out of the ruins of some ancient structure that stood here before. It is a fairly large building, with a stone and wood front and a large shop sign bearing a carved wooden dragon head, apparently an old masthead. Inside is a quite literal hoard. Dimitri and Irin tend to get the pick of any treasure troves that come to Torotuga, so you can find the best and most expensive stuff here.

Sulejman Sirk runs the apothecary, the Glass Shoal. It’s meticulously clean and organized, seemingly made out of the hull of a downed ship that was outfitted with a brick and windowed front and plated with iron shales. The centerpiece in this store is a large chandelier, a mobile of glasswork fish surrounding a steel brazier that lights up the place. He has your basic health potions and a Very Expensive set of water breathing things (like, super overpriced, guys). Also stocks an impressive amount of poisons.

Davy Jones Locker is a thrift shop of sorts. The proprietor, Antanen ‘David’ Jonesin, is a halfling that collects the mundane and the useful. The interior of this classic brickwork building is made with a number of treasure chests that have been stacked and arranged along the floor and on tables and sideboards. These things are not what typical pirates care for, but he does good business because they do tend to be things sailors Need. His store has stuff like barrels of rope, caltrops, a few smoke bombs found on drowned assassins. He has oil skin bags to keep books and letters safe from the water, sealing wax, forgery and climbing kits, a few block and tackles, fire stones, that sort of thing. Nothing magical, nothing glamorous, but exactly the kind of thing you need to survive.

The Silt Reader is a very small book shop that specializes in literature and poetry. Mostly second hand, a lot of them waterlogged. This store is owned by a half-elven woman, Runa Pavalur,   who keeps it very organized, with tomes neatly stacked on shelves and arranged by category. Each book has been outfitted with a bookmark made of thin rope, with a little card attached to it that gives a short summary of what the book is about. Most of the books in The Silt Reader are travel diaries and novels, a fair amount of those of a ‘popular’ variety. This is why, apart from categories like Studies, Travel, Political etc, the shop has shelves named things like the Rose section (hetero romance), the Heather section (mlm romance), the Calla section (wlw romance) and the Orchid section (straight up porn).

For maps, it is best to go is the Crow’s Nest Cartographer. This is a very small house that has one entire wall made up of shelves holding a large amount of rolled maps. It is owned by two gnomish brothers: Illilniss and Omulnis. They will also pay for coordinates of places that have been discovered, or were hitherto unknown.

Lavar’s Smelter: Lavar is a fire genasi, who isn’t too crafty, but is very good at, well, smelting. He’s the one that melts down all the anchors and random steel and iron that is hauled here, something that should not be possible with a smithy as small as his. Is smithy doubles as a blacksmith for basic tools. When asked, he can shoe a horse and provide stables overnight.

Shell and Shield: The only somewhat skilled smith in town. The Shell and Shield is owned by a tortle named Perrahar, whose main trade is tools. She sells non-magic weapons and some simple armor as well but mostly she’s very interested in learning new things. Bring her some new metal that she’s never seen before and she’ll happily craft new things out of it.

Other establishments

There is a church, The Temple Bar, dedicated to Dionysus, the god of wine. It’s not clear if this is a sanctioned church or not. Mostly it appears to be one of the largest bars in Torotuga. Its purveyor is a dwarf and beer connoisseur named Mazzoum Hornmail. The interior is decorated with fake grape vines and filled with assorted furniture. This one is fairly fancy, with a little orchestra playing, and a dance floor. The rooms upstairs can be rented by the hour. The bigger ones are outfitted as meeting rooms, serving the purpose of neutral ground for pirates to strike deals or talk strategy. The smaller ones tend to just have a bed and a washing tub.

Despite the name, The Baked Potato does not sell potatoes. It does sell yams and sweet potatoes, stuffed with a variety of fillings and baked in an oven.

Kulita’s sells a lot of fried things, including fried fish and fried chicken, combined with dumplings, corn bread and pickled vegetables or stewed beans

The local bath house is called the White Whale. It rents out large, round tubs in private rooms to interested parties. These are pretty nice and use, important, ground water, so any visitor can finally get all that salt out. Rooms are outfitted with scented oils and soaps and come with one complimentary towel. The rooms are priced fairly reasonably, but the rate goes up quite a bit if you opt for one of the companions or masseuses that are offered.

The Sickly Shrew: A Very Seedy bar and one of the cheaper establishments to acquire a room for the night. Also a great place to find, like, a specialist to kill someone for you.

The Foghorn Inn: The most boring and basic of inns that Torotuga has to offer, if you’re into that kinda thing.

Assorted locations

Thaba’s Hut

Take the road out of town, past the farm fields that have been planted here, and into the swamp. Follow the set of foot bridges and walkways, till you reach an island, a clearing in the dense foliage. Standing here is an ancient looking hut, built on stilts. It has a thatched roof and a porch, with stairs leading up. The railing of the porch and the stairs looks solid from afar, but upon closer inspection, they are laden with offerings of a sort. Little dolls hang from string tied to the wood, shells, glass vials, trinkets and shiny objects, all tied to the outside of this house. In front of the hut, a small crackling fire burns in a fire pit, tended to by a tall, broad-shouldered man. This is Thaba’s hut, and if you are in need of special magical services, this is where you go.

You pay Thaba for entry, and for the privilege to see the wisewoman inside. Should you enter, you’ll find that the entire place is overstuffed with jars and more dolls and trinkets. A bunch of objects, too, are suspended from the ceiling, much like they were wrapped around the railings. Some tools hanging from twine off a crossbeam, glass and brass pitchers, something that you very much hope is a wig. There’s dried herbs, ham, but also bones, something that looks like a dead snake. There’s… a lot. The hut is where Iyabo, sitting in the middle of the floor in a magic circle, performs magical services. Most likely this will be along the lines of identifying items, removing or placing curses etc. Nahin’s fighting pit

Walking around town, you may hear a number of shouts and just general noise, originating to a dirt square just on the outskirts. Here, you’ll find a small mound of dirt that serves as a brawling ring. Two figures are squaring off here. One is an apparent halfling in monk clothes, fairly lean build, the other, on this day, is a goliath, a large, looming tank of a man, in somewhat soiled sailor’s clothing. They’ve drawn quite the crowd. On one end you see what seems to be the rest of the goliath’s crew, a number of sailors jeering and egging him on. On the side of the smaller figure are also supporters of a kind, albeit a bit more demure. You see a number of humanoids, all in fairly ratty clothing, most of them dark skinned and weathered looking. They’ll occasionally clap but they’re mostly looking. Bets are being made by the crowd, with bookies walking around trying to get any visitors to have a little go. But as soon as the fight starts, a heavy groan goes through the crowd and it becomes apparent just how skewed this match-up is. Within the first second, the goliath has already been kicked in the face. The smaller figure jumps up onto his chest, kicks him in the chin and backflips off, down to the ground. The goliath swings and the smaller figure leans back easily to avoid it, jumping up over a second swing, before turning in mid air and swiping at the shoulder, following that up with two swift kicks. This goes on for a little while, before the goliath says ‘You  little shit’, and he pulls out a crossbow. The crowd starts booing. You hear the people behind the smaller figure yell ‘unarmed only!’ but the fighter themselves holds up their hand. “Learn’, they say, and sinks into a defensive stance. The goliath shoots once, twice, point blank, and you watch as the smaller fighter plucks both out of the air before they reach. As the goliath starts reloading, angry now, the other fighter moves. They jump up onto the crossbow and run up their opponent’s arm, before leaning down and kicking the goliath in the sternum. The giant goes rigid, for a moment, their eyes at this point confused and fearful, as the other fighter jumps down, dashes around and swipes at a spot right behind the knee. The goliath. Topples. The crowd erupts in shouts and you can see a well dressed man, apparently the goliath’s captain, walk up to the smaller figure and hand them a pouch. “Sorry about that,” he says. “Temper, that one. But you won fair and square.” The smaller figure bows and returns to their friends, as the crew, with some trouble, pull up the goliath and the crowd slowly disperses.

Kobinahin, or Nahin for short, is a higher level monk that fights for coin and has a little outdoor dojo going. Nahin is always itching to learn new tricks and will gladly match or teach adventurers.

Characters

Merchants and assorted service people

Thaba: A tall, broad-shouldered dark-skinned man, clean shaven and wearing modest but well-kept clothes. He has milky white eyes and a deep voice. He serves as a guardian or manager of sorts to Iyabo. He can usually be found sitting in front of the fire pit by his house.

Iyabo: This wise woman is a multiclass druid – bard with some wizard thrown in there. She is a tiny woman, potentially gnomish in nature, but it’s hard to tell. Her hair is quite a bit longer than her body, a mass of tiny braids, embellished with rope, ribbons, glass beads and brass rings that obscures her shape almost completely. From what you can tell, the hair may have been dark in color once, but it’s been painted with clay. Individual strands are red, ochre, green or a chalky white, the whole thing giving the impression of a gloomy, if colorful, bead curtain.  The hair makes it almost impossible to see her face, but when her arms emerge from the curtain, her skin appears to be greyish blue, mostly because that, too, is rubbed with some kind of dust. Her hands are studded with different rings, her wrists covered in bracers and rows of bangles. Iyabo jingles when she walks, and you can discern the rustle of fabric, as well as the sound of many, many necklaces or chains clinking together. She doesn’t so much talk as whisper harshly , also with vague southern accent.

Dimitri Helfdal: A man of smallish stature, stocky and broad, with medium gray skin. Mid forties and fairly jovial, incredibly curious about new treasures and things. He wears a monocle and light linen, embroidered pants, with a sleeveless shirt. Dark grey scales line his shoulders, hands and head, glinting with a brushed steel look that makes him seem , in a weird way, armored. He does not have a tail.

Irin: A dragonborn woman of dark olive skin, fairly tall and with a long tail that whips back and forth between the folds of her long skirt. She wears a beautiful silk tunic, with cropped pants lines in copper thread and a long skirt consisting of four almost see-through loose panels. On her head, and down her back and tail are long crystalline dark blue spikes and the scales that adorn her skin are strangely see through, giving the impression of dark blue gems. It also seems like she has filed some of them to resemble jewelry, the ones around her throat and down her chest looking like a very elaborate necklace.

Sulejman Sirk: A black man in his late thirties, with corn rows tied into his hair, and a cropped full beard. He tends to smile widely and has a prominent gold tooth. He has several gold earrings in one ear and wears a dark grey v-neck kaftan of sorts, with embroidery on the shoulders.

Runa Pavalur: A red haired half-elven woman, fairly young looking, very pale with freckles. Basic hippie attitude, she wears what appear to be several crocheted tablecloths stitched together, and her hair falls down her back in two long braids. Speaks in a gentle, slow  tone and has very obviously read every single book in the store.

Illilniss and Omulnis: Gnome brothers, both with heavy mustaches, kindof tanned skin and an almost inky blue hair. They finish each others sentences and then get grumpy about it.

Antanen ‘David’ Jonesin: An elderly halfling with salt-and-peper hair that poofs up around his head like a cotton ball. Wears tiny round glasses and looks rather clerical, but very businessy attitude. His voice is clear and fast, like an american radio dj.

Mazzoum Hornmail: A very serious dwarven man who looks jovial and fat and jolly. He gets quite stern when people don’t treat him with the right amount of respect. It is said Mazzoum has spent years sailing the oceans, and kinda just settled down here because he got tired of the floor moving.

Kobinahin: A dark skinned halfling monk of indeterminate gender. Dark, golden ochre skin, long black hair usually tied in a ponytail. Fairly elegant features. They wear a dark grey jumpsuit with cropped pants and sleeves tied with cloth strips. It is cinched in at the waist with a large strip of cloth. Kobinahin fights for coin and essentially teaches the prostitutes and the escaped slaves self-defense. It’s not clear why they left home to travel the world and fight. (the reason is this DM needed to introduce the Monk class). Speaks in serious, shortish sentences. Very no-nonsense.

Lavar: A fire genasi with tanned skin and flame red hair who serves as a smith. A practical sort who, despite his fiery nature, doesn’t really get upset easily. Always looking for find new ways to make coin.

Perrahar: A seemingly young tortle, though her shield is quite damaged with little black spots. Very curious in nature but extremely chill in attitude. Speaks Very Slowly and pretty damn deadpan. Very little gets to her.

Back-up NPC’s

Loughlin Nic Cadhla: An older woman, lots of scars, with frizzy brown curls in almost an afro, and pale freckles skin. Hard of hearing, from standing next to cannons most of her life. Retired pirate.

Tran Phu Nguyen: A forty-something man who is immaculately dressed and must have been utterly gorgeous when younger, still quite handsome.  Ex-prostitute.

Hamisi: A slender, dark skinned man, bald with a short beard. He’s missing an eye and has some horrific scarring, mostly on his wrists that you can see. Missing two fingers on his left hand. Wearing a loose shirt and simple cropped pants, no shoes.

[simplyadorkable-blog1]

Season 6, Episode 13 - “Cece’s Boys”

Cece gets Jess and Reagan to help her find new models; the guys plan to enjoy a day at the spa.

Episode 13 treats us with an update on Coach and May. They are hosting a foreign exchange student and live in North Carolina. Schmidt is perplexed that they weren’t aware that Coach moved and is thrown into a downward spiral of worry that the same will happen to him. Remember that time they ran into Coach in New York City? I’m looking forward to another cameo later in the season, fingers crossed! Nick is weirdly okay with it, “Realistically we’ll probably only see each other two or three more times before we die and that’s sad, but not that sad. What’s for dinner?” This just makes Schmidt even more uneasy. Before he can keep freaking out, Cece enters with her own problem. Big modeling agencies poached her client that she was going to put up for Sausage Crunchies and she doesn’t know what to do. Jess convinces her to worry about keeping Donovan and recruits Raisin to help find new clients. Afterall, selling a job is like selling drugs and Raisin does that everyday. Jess encourages them all to put their heads in. Schmidt corrects her, “What are we supposed to do, smoosh our heads together?” They all put their hands in and Winston slays the put-fake-cat-paw-on-top-bit because he’s not tired of it!

Jess and Raisin begin their mission at the bar. There’s a glaring lack of options so the pair approach two very average looking sea slug guys. Their conversation is so boring I didn’t even write it down. Raisin pulls Jess away to convince Jess that they are not model material. Jess defends by saying to not judge a book by it’s cover, but Raisin points out that models literally exist to be on covers. Touché, Raisin.

Meanwhile Cece is panicked that Donovan is about to quit. Fortunately for her, his big news is that he’s decided to stop wearing beanies. Cece is relieved, but learns that big agencies are trying to woo him so she tells him that he is her first priority.

Back at the loft, Nick and Winston munch on some Sausage Crunchies. Nick describes the taste as average, but the aftertaste as outstanding. Schmidt is paranoid that he is going to become an outstanding aftertaste. He’s concerned that the loft is their tether and once it’s gone they’re going to be spread across the earth like Rod Stewart’s offspring. He wants to keep them together with something like a dark secret or a timeshare. Winston says he will miss Schmidt’s poetry and I could not agree more. He has quite the way with words. He goes on to suggest that they need a ritual. Winston suggests standing in a circle and burning chicken bones. Some say that Winnie the Bish is a light-hearted guy, but it sounds to me like he’s seen some serious stuff as a cop. Schmidt turns down the literal ritual idea and specifies he wants something more like a shared experience. Nick suggests getting super weird into metal detectors, but Schmidt has an a better idea.

At the bar, Jess and Raisin continue to attempt to recruit a variety of hot guys. The pair keep getting turned down, in fact one of the guys explains that he’s busy trying to figure out why the bees have disappeared, and if a couple of guys in the bar can’t figure it out, Raisin doesn’t know who can. Jess has an equally awkward run-in with a guy who is apparently an only child after yesterday. We quickly gloss past that to Raisin spotting a hot guy strutting into the bar. He claims that if he doesn’t swing his arms, he’ll fall. And that kind of intelligence is exactly what they were looking for. I’m going to choose to not judge how they’re treating every model on this show (other than Cece) and move on to Jess’ fishing analogy. “I’m the bait, you’re the hook.” “I don’t think the bait thinks of them as a team. “That’s such a hook thing to say, you’re such a hook.” This honestly just came off lowkey rude, but since it was Jess I don’t think she meant it that way.

Schmidt convinced Nick and Winston to have a spa day which they surprisingly enjoyed. Even though Nick wore his shirt during the massage, no bottoms though. Mad respect to anyone who Donald Duck’s in public. The guys receive wet towels to smell which Nick thoroughly enjoys, “How can a smell be both hot and cold at the same time, I ask?” Their enjoyment takes a turn for the worse when an employee informs them that it’s time for their Brazilian, aka scrotum wax.

There is a quick exchange in Cece’s office when she introduces Dean to Donovan and they have a confusing argument about being models, leaving Donovan feeling jealous. “The line between what we’re doing and being creepy is so thin,” Raisin states to Jess at the bar. Cece calls Jess in a panic, overwhelmed with taking care of her two models. Jess wants to do anything to help Cece and ends up lying to her, saying they have two more guys on their way. Of course those two guys end up being the average sea slug ones they first approached.

Jess and Raisin take them back to the loft to get them ready for the Sausage Crunchies audition. Jess gives them white tees to wear from her roommate’s earthquake supply. I’m going to take a wild guess that that roommate is Nick Miller. Raisin is not convinced that this plan will work and wants to bail, but Jess refuses. Raisin gives in and suggests they give the guys makeovers including all the eye makeup that Schmidt’s got. While this is happening, Donovan locks Dean in the closet of Cece’s office, Cece yells at him, and he leaves.

Nick continues to tell Schmidt he wants to leave the spa, “I don’t want the hairs ripped off my testicles by a stranger, I think it’s there for a reason.” Schmidt assures Nick this isn’t some back alley waxing. There’s a short tangent consisting of if those exist and what emergency would constitute going to one. Schmidt desperately tries to convince Nick to stay for a reason he is about to reveal, following Winston’s graphic description of why he also wants to leave, “I have off the charts follicle strength. It will be a bloodbath down there, a real crime scene, so I’m leaning no.” Nick agrees that no one touches his purse! Schmidt finally spills his heart out to his two friends, citing the reason that their lives will go on without him (including walking in on the other in the bathroom and coming up with clever names for the wifi network like This Is 4D) and they’ll lose touch. He leaves to get his sac waxed, “I’m going to go shuck this corn!” What is up with this episode and off-putting descriptions of the human body?

Jess and Raisin take the average guys to the audition, gaining confidence on their way, just to have it shattered by all of the attractive guys there. This makes me wonder if Robby had been in the episode, if it would have gone down differently. I’m sure he would have a hookup or two since he’s rich and has a Grammy. Anyways, Cece is not impressed by their choices. Jess defends them, but Raisin gives up and the pair decide to fire them. While Jess starts to let them down, Raisin realizes that they are the only two guys eating the Sausage Crunchies and that’s the angle that Cece should pitch.

At the spa, Schmidt is ready to be waxed. Before it begins, Nick and Winston show up like the band of brothers they are. Schmidt is over the moon, “Three friends going on the same, silent journey. Together, yet separate. Alone, yet closer than ever.” He’s interrupted by the screams of pain from Nick and Winston and soon joins them in pain as their waxing is shown in slow motion. Like I said, so off-putting and downright painful.

The episode concludes back in the loft. The three women are in the kitchen where Cece tells Jess and Raisin that Dean got the job and the three men are lying on the couch in pain. Schmidt claims the women will never know the pain of a sac waxing. Jess points out childbirth and Raisin says, “Weekly wax, top to tail.” Schmidt, Winston, and Nick completely ignore this and instead bask in their pride of following through on their ritual.

Originally Aired 1/17/2017