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tyrantisterror · 5 years

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TT Rambles: Building a Kaiju Cast

As far as I’m concerned, the kaiju renaissance is in full swing - not just because of movies like Godzilla: King of the Monsters and Pacific Rim, but because of all the original novels, webcomics, etc. that the kaiju fandom is publishing. It’s beautiful to see all these new kaijuverses blossoming.

and I want to see more of them

It takes me back to that brief, shining period in the early 2000′s where there were DOZENS of thriving kaijuverses on Deviantart, all with weird and wonderful takes on giant monsters that oozed with style and creativity. God that was a good time and

I want to see more

So, as a person with a semi-successful kaiju-verse of my own, I’ve been thinking about how I could encourage people to make more kaiju beyond, like, just making my own and hoping it resonates and inspires people like the kaiju-verses that I see inspire me. And then my teacher brain got to thinking - one of the best ways to help people create is to give them structure to build off of. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Friends, enclosed here are some written instructions on how to build a fun and dynamic kaiju cast. You don’t have to follow these rules to the letter, mind you, but if you don’t know where to start, this might help.

Step 1: Pick Your Flavor

There are more ways to make a kaiju story than you may realize, as the genre is deceptively diverse despite its obscurity. However, for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to try to reduce it to two main categories:

Hero Monster(s) saves the world from evil monsters

Hero humans attempt to save the world from evil monsters

This is a crucial fact to figure out before you make your kaiju cast, because the differences between these two variants will inform how you structure your monsters. In the first approach, the monsters not only need personality and motivations, but character arcs, and benefit from being as distinct from each other as possible. In the second, the monsters generally have to be a bit simpler and less, well, person-y, so we don’t feel as bad when they’re cut down by the heroes. They also tend to be more uniform in appearance, origin, and personality, to make the division between humanity and monster more clear cut. The first approach will generally result in a “humanity needs to be more open minded and compassionate to those we deem as other” sort of message, while the latter will generally show how humanity needs to pull together in the face of catastrophic threats. On the surface these two story routes may seem very similar, but the differences between them are important ones.

Step 2: The Main Kaiju

In addition to OC kaijuverses, another big trend in the glory days of the DA kaiju fandom was revamping/redesigning the cast of the Godzilla franchise. There were dozens of different takes on it, and a friend of mine noted a peculiar but important lesson that could be learned from each of them: if you looked at how each artist redesigned Godzilla himself, you could basically predict how the rest of the monsters would look. This is because Godzilla is the crux of his universe - all the other monsters are designed to play off of him, and thus any change made to Godzilla will be reflected in the rest of the cast.

You can see this in other stories as well - Batman’s cast is built around his gothic horror/detective fiction roots, Spider-Man’s around his teen drama/sci-fi genre mashup, etc. As a general rule, stories are tailored to their protagonist, and in kaiju fiction, the protagonist is generally one of the giant monsters. Therefore, figuring out your main monster is important, as they will ultimately shape the entire story.

Now, when I say “protagonist,” I mean this in the “main/most prominent character” sense, rather than the “hero” sense. Your main kaiju may be a bad guy - they may be the villain of the story, the face and root of its conflict. Alternatively, they may live up the hero label in every sense of the word - one of the coolest things about the Kaiju genre is that it sports a LOT of heroes that are also non-human characters.

If you are going for the second variation of the kaiju genre - that is, the “Humans destroy evil monsters” story - your main kaiju still matters, even though it likely isn’t a prominent enough character to really qualify for protagonist status. In shows like Evangelion and Ultraman, or movies like Pacific Rim, there are still essentially “main” kaiju - that is, kaiju who define the style and approach that monsters in the series will take. Often they’re the first monster the heroes encounter - Knifehead from Pacific Rim, for example, establishes early on the aesthetic and rough personality of the giant monsters featured in the movie. Other times they show up later in the story to make a big impact - Red King and Gomora in Ultraman both showcase the creativity of the show’s designs while having unique personalities and power sets that really leave an impact on the viewer.

When creating your main kaiju, consider the following questions:

- What if your monster’s main motivation? Is it looking for something? If so, what? Is it seeking revenge? If so, why? Is it defending its territory? Is it investigating civilization? Is it searching for food? Company? The greatest kaiju characters have clear and defined motivations to bring them into the plot, just like all good characters do. What is your monster’s drive?

- How tough is your monster? Kaiju generally get into a lot of violent conflicts, so determining how much punishment your monster can both withstand and dole out is important.

- What are your monsters’ vulnerabilities? This includes both physical weaknesses and psychological ones. Are they weakened by the cold? Incapable of flight? Slow moving? Quick to anger? Stupid?

- What strengths/powers does your monster have? Can it heal fast? Is it smart? Does it have unique weapons? Is it creative?

- What quirks does your kaiju have? Is it gluttonous? Cocky? Graceful? Clumsy? Does it beat its chest or dance in triumph? Does it cackle maniacally while wreaking havoc?

- What is your monster’s relationship to humanity? Does it hate humans? View them as food? Feel indifferent to them? Is curious about them? Cares for them? How does humanity feel about it in turn? Does this relationship change over the course of the story?

- What is your monster’s attitude towards other monsters? Is it hostile towards them? Friendly? Indifferent? Does its attitude vary depending on the monster? Is its attitude mostly consistent with a few exceptions? Does it have friends? Enemies?

- How did your monster come to be? Is it an atomic mutant? A mythic beast? A space alien? A prehistoric creature from a forgotten age? We’ll dive into the archetypes associated with these origins later, but keep the question in mind.

Part 3: Other Kaiju Roles

Once your main kaiju is figured out, you can start building the cast proper in reaction to it. There are LOTS of ways you can do this, but I’m going to focus on a few common roles supporting kaiju have to play:

- The Arch Enemy: the King Ghidorah to your kaiju’s Godzilla, the Gyaos to its Gamera, the arch enemy is exactly what it sounds like: your main kaiju’s recurring nemesis, a big bastard of a monster that your main kaiju absolutely hates. You don’t have to limit yourself to one of these, of course - most main kaiju in fiction have a LOT of enemies, since monster battles are one of the main draws of a kaiju story. At the same time, most kaiju stories also tend to have one kaiju that is more wicked than most, whose grudge with the main kaiju is more vicious than normal. Creating an arch enemy for your main kaiju is a good way to give your story structure - every protagonist needs a primary antagonist to struggle against.

- The Guardian of the Earth: a lot of main kaiju tend to be anti-heroes, often starting off as enemies of mankind before slowly becoming protectors of the earth. As a result, a lot of kaijuverses often include an explicitly good kaiju who exists in contrast to both the main kaiju AND the main kaiju’s enemies. If the Arch Enemy kaiju is often what the main kaiju could become if they don’t change their ways, the Guardian of the Earth is what the main kaiju usually works towards being. Or, in short: every Godzilla needs a Mothra to be the angel on their shoulder.

- The Damage Sponge: Sometimes there are kaiju who are famous not for their prodigious destructive power, but rather for their ability to endure ridiculous amounts of damage, even by kaiju standards. The damage sponge normally isn’t the main kaiju, since the main kaiju’s job is to establish a baseline, while the damage sponge is defined by being more durable than other monsters.

- The Runt: a smaller than usual kaiju, who often compensates by being faster and more clever than the usual kaiju.

- The Giant Among Giants: the kaiju that makes other kaiju feel small, generally used to escalate the plot by its sheer power.

- The Rival Turned Ally: since kaiju generally socialize by fighting, most kaiju friendships begin with an unsuccessful fight to the death. Often your main kaiju will have at least one friend who began as a bitter enemy.

- The Big Eater: In large kaiju casts where the kaiju have different motivations and morals, there will almost always be one kaiju whose ethos can be defined as “neutral hungry.” It’s not good, it’s not evil, it just wants to eat, and unfortunately everyone else looks like a viable meal.

- The Brute: while all kaiju are generally violent and tough, the Brute takes it to another level. Its violence will be more extreme, its bloodthirstiness beyond compare, and its raw strength will surpass most if not all of the other monsters on the cast list.

- The Clever Bastard: like the Brute, the Clever Bastard makes for a harder than normal fight. However, instead of relying on sheer strength, the Clever Bastard uses cunning to make the fight more vicious, being a devious schemer who thinks significantly more than the average monster. It may also have more than a few tricks to its biology to help it as well, and generally manages to throw the heroes off guard by doing things they wouldn’t expect.

- The Innocent: in a world full of violent monsters, this kaiju is a notable exception for its sweetness and (relative) vulnerability. It means no harm and often has few ways to defend itself, and as a result is generally imperiled by the more vicious and bloodthirsty giants in the setting. The main kaiju may actively try to protect it, though the harsh world of kaiju means its likelihood of survival is rather slim.

Part 4: Kaiju Archetypes

Ok, now that we’ve talked about the more substantive personality based stuff, let’s get onto some fun surface details. The origin and design of your kaiju are important in their own right, but work best when they are made in service of your kaiju’s personality and role in the story. A lot of people start with these archetypes first - “I’m gonna make a fire breathing reptile!” - and while this can result in a good monster design, it doesn’t necessarily translate into a memorable kaiju character. Tailoring the design and origin to your kaiju’s role and personality, on the other hand, is more likely to result in a character we remember, since the design is now more than a surface detail - it’s an extension of the character.

Archetype 1: The Fire Breathing Reptile - best exemplified by the big two, Godzilla and Gamera, almost every kaijuverse has at least one big reptilian monster, and that monster likewise almost always has the ability to breath fire. It calls back to the many European dragon myths, and is just a fun visual in general. This archetype is so prolific that many modern kaijuverses actually skip it because it’s considered cliche, but while it may be hard to make a fire breathing reptile kaiju standout, the trope is still a classic and one many people think of as synonymous with the genre.

Archetype 2: The Big Ape - similarly, King Kong has made giant apes a staple of the genre, to the point where they are almost as common as fire breathing reptiles are. King Kong vs. Godzilla in turn made it customary to pit these two archetypes against each other, and as a result every kaiju story that has both a fire breathing reptile and a big ape will almost always portray them as natural enemies. The Big Ape is one of the archetypes that is most likely to be presented as sympathetic/heroic, following the logic that more closely related to humanity a creature is, the more noble it must be.

Archetype 3: The Magnified Bug - since kaiju are in part defined by being way bigger than an animal has any right to be, one of the most extreme visuals you can bring to a kaiju design is to take something that is normally very small and make it HUGE, because this emphasizes just how exaggeratedly big the kaiju is. As a result, giant arthropods - insects, spiders, etc. - are very common in the genre, as they really sell the idea of kaiju being unnaturally enormous creatures. Magnified bugs are generally not treated as sympathetic kaiju for the same reason big apes usually are - if we treat “more human = more good” as true, then bugs, being distantly related to humanity, can’t be very good creatures. However, there is at least one prominent and notable exception to this rule, and to be honest it’s a rather shitty rule anyway.

Archetype 4: The Mechanical Doppelganger

Ever since Mechani-Kong stepped onto the silver screen, it has been a tradition for a main kaiju to have a robot or cyborg made in their image as part of their rogues gallery. Hell, even Gomora from Ultraman got one, and that’s a show where the monsters aren’t protagonists! Like the previous tropes, this is one that comes to mind when people think of the genre, as countless parodies (including an infamous episode of South Park) have shown.

Archetype 5: The Alien Invader - a monster from another planet, with all the strange biological quirks such an origin implies. In Monster Saves the World kaiju stories, the alien is usually brought in late in the tale to heighten the stakes by delivering a stranger threat than the usual kaiju. In Humanity Saves the World kaiju stories, however, most kaiju tend to be alien in origin, which is used to justify wiping them out since they are an invasive species by nature. Alien kaiju are rarely sympathetic or heroic.

Archetype 6: The Mutant - whether the result of atomic fallout, genetic engineering, pollution, or some other unnatural mistake, the mutant is a new lifeform whose monstrous form is the direct result of humanity breaking the natural order of things. A LOT of kaiju are mutants, as the kaiju genre began during the atomic age as a direct reaction to the discoveries of what radiation could do to living creatures (discoveries that ranged from “Wow these radioactive fruits are really big!” to “Oh god this radioactive man is full of tumors!”). When a mutant is in a kaiju story, it exists at least partially to point out how humanity is screwing up.

Archetype 7: The Prehistoric Monster - often (but not necessarily) going hand in hand with the fire breathing reptile, the prehistoric monster is a kaiju whose kind lived millions of years before humanity evolved, in a time when giants ruled the earth. It is only a monster now because the world moved on while it didn’t - small creatures took over while it slumbered in some hidden location. This trope is becoming less common now that science has marched on and we treat the giant fauna of prehistory less like monsters and more like, y’know, actual animals, but it’s still a fun one to play with even if it has little basis in actual science.

Archetype 8: The Sea Monster - the ocean is full of weird animal life, and creatures are able to get much larger underwater than they can on land. As a result, giant sea monsters are a trope as old as story-telling itself, and are particularly prominent in kaiju fiction. Sea monster kaiju have a tendency to be particularly huge and abstract as kaiju go - one of the perks of hailing from a relatively alien environment.

Archetype 9: The Mythic Monster - While the earliest kaiju stories lean more sci-fi than fantasy, the genre quickly stretched to take elements from both. As a result, it is just as common to see kaiju based on real life myths as it is to see ones that are atomic mutants or space aliens. In fact, some of the bigger names in the kaiju genre have even alternated between having sci-fi and mythic origins, being atomic mutants in one tale and guardian monsters of ancient kingdoms in the next.

Archetype 10: The Defense Robot - Often (but not always) overlapping with the Mechanical Doppelganger, this enormous mecha is humanity’s ultimate weapon in the struggle to survive a world filled with kaiju. The actually effectiveness of the defense robot varies from story to story, but they often have greater offensive capabilities than flesh and blood kaiju while at the same time being a lot less durable. The Defense Robot rarely gets out of a battle unscathed - though it just as often comes back with a new remodeled look to fight another day (and also sell more toys).

Archetype 11: The Human Kaiju - most common in Humanity Saves the World from Kaiju stories, the human kaiju is, well, a human who becomes a kaiju. Sometimes it’s a temporary transformation, other times it’s permanent. Human kaiju are almost always the main characters of their given story, as the story potential of a human who can take the fight to the monsters is VAST.

Archetype 12: The Blob - our final archetype will be the blob, because sometimes you just want a big ol’ heap of goo in your story.

Conclusion

To reiterate, none of these things should be considered “requirements” for a kaiju story. Think of this as a set of guidelines rather than strict rules to follow. Many of the best kaiju stories have thought outside these archetypes, roles, and character questions, so you should by no means feel constricted to follow these ideas to the letter. However, if you want to start on your kaijuverse but don’t know where to begin, please consider this as a starting point. If you work with this approach, I think you’ll be on your way to making a fun cast of giant monsters in no time!

#TT Rambles #kaiju

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the-firebird69 · 4 years

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Godzilla Muto and Muto

Absorbed tons of radiation from Hawaii's nukes going off on the surface and nukes being tossed at thrm

Huge ones devistated your island as planned. Giant clouds of radiation wofted over the other islands and sank harmlessly into the sea.

Godzilla charged up to almost maximum came much larger and floated very quickly to San Francisco and only a matter of hours after eating she is of course pregnant and heading that way is it in the water and approaches the aircraft carrier at this time the one that you retrieved from off the coast of Japan that sunk during one of your recent asinine operations after it was retrieved off of Guam after 30 to 40 years under water from Vietnam conflict it is here and it may sink as Godzilla is scraping underneath it as we speak they may be calling for help several of their bulkheads have given away they are taking on water they may lose lives may lose hardware

It is a matter of having a huge navy or very small one and tons of privateers

giant massive ships are gone after trying tons and tons of fast ships and sail boats and pleasure craft and private submarines and submarines millions and millions of those are gone from last year and attempts up to this point billions and billions of ships recently tried going and we didn't mention it recently took them all and use them on the rest there are several attacks from the last large when mentioned none of you make it anywhere and yet you seem to have ho and you seem to have encouragement even on top of it do the reasons that we don't understand in that we see why that doesn't make any sense so we let you all the way meant then we grab you and you're very surprised each and every time

Godzilla is in your harbor your San Francisco Bay at the bridge there are very many usn ships that have gathered and are headed that way several are there already and are completely spooked by her size as she is visible because she used up the charge floating over and she is scaly and she is very scary looking and mean just like he says see the Xenomorph look they look very mean

An extremely hostile to you and you take it as if they are a nephew or niece that is out of control in your house and we find that your tongue in your mouth get you into so much trouble with them the e right away and don't save you for Intel which is a no no so we have a way of judging them out or forcing it and you don't see us but they understand they have to move thank you very much for your idiotic behavior it helped us gain control Godzilla will tear up your city because she is looking for a place to nest and she is looking for newts and can sense them she sees the ones that are laying out for her and we'll look at them closely and examine them and try and set them off if you want to because your morons she will devastate the city because your nukes are hidden and shielded and I will take your time to find them the noise & racquet will attract Muto who has acute hearing and sensing and can fly there in minutes should be attracted because it means chaos it means food or nukes it means action which means food and nukes and we'll come and look and find Godzilla thrashing the place and will join in trying to find what she's looking for first making some Easter egg hunt her husband of course we'll find her because he keeps track of her and is a jealous man even though he's smaller than her it makes it worse and we have a winner he's smiling supermodel

Godzilla is the harbor and she has found the news and it's time to them with her massive size and her evil eyes and bad breath she is so real low growls at them they behave as if she's not there she pushed the boat around with so much ease that it terrifies them so they talk to her she comes at them and they start to drive away she's so fast the kid escape the decide to arm it and dive over that's what she was waiting for she sits and waits bang goes off it's huge 10 to 20 megatons she takes it full on and is fine

She has huge already and grows inches and feet front of you.

She has no idea why people are screaming and yelling only that it makes her excited and she starts yelling too and it's kind of comical because it looks like Mewtwo in Las Vegas are huge crowd going screaming and she screams back and it sounds very ferocious so they scream louder so she screams back and it's like that and I keep doing it refused to run off so she comes over to see why they're doing that is scream even louder so she screams even louder and now it's a contest so she's screaming massively loud at them suddenly someone gets on loudspeaker and so you people shut up and dispersed he's going to eat you you're just making her loud or angry so they look over and say screw you and start saying this to her you shut up now and go lay down and go to bed so Godzilla gets up and says where you say and she smiles a little and starts to eat them I'm going to say bad Godzilla and then the guy on the microphone says it bad Godzilla go lay down of course he goes over and crushes the microphone every laugh because it's exactly what I could Japanese movie except you're Americans doing stupid things that you see the Japanese doing and their movies and ridiculous things that don't work and everything what you do live anyways and he's laughing his ass off Kingsley Kingsley that's not Kingsley at all the Zerg to look more like Kingsley than Godzilla

We agree it is some real f***** s*** so Godzilla looks around and finds the source of the noise and disconnects it it's a loudspeaker meant to draw her over so she scans and she sees a trap things for a 4-foot to get stuck with and those people gave their lives up to draw her there and she says it's because I'm in the field and I'm fighting and he says I know they're always trying to get me there mess everything else or to help but inappropriate just says what a terrific to you you have they're not my team is going to hell so she removes the trap and she whips at at them turns out to be explosives and those living crap out of the entire crowd so he has to go find other nuclear weapons and food and she's off that was a little party for her and she had fun and it was a good time the trap was small but a big enough for her to fall in

She is now rampaging through the city like she did in DC running very fast back and forth as Kingsley did on the lawn but she is talk later buildings over that are very tall compared to a human there are hundreds of times the height or more she knocks them down like dominoes play fall away from her as she does that on purpose there are several things she needs and wants and we'll have she came all this way and she does every year as a lizard does and it's to scale for her the islands are teeny and she needs more of what she finds

Godzilla has moved to the major downtown area where all the skyscrapers are which are two to three times as tall as she is and she is at least 8 or 900 ft tall they dwarf her that's why she needs the nuclear material and food crowds are gathering mostly military and the military has brought nuclear weapons a nice snack and hors d'oeuvre for her to begin growing they fire she absorbs it it's a lot of them they fire again she absorbs it again she's going after them signs of stress eating them and grabs huge huge handfuls and eats a whole handful without even thinking about bombs or hand grenades because they're too small

She jumps to attention for some reason there seems to be very big object in front of her it's huge it looks like glass to her she can't stand it so she tries to find a way around it and keeps walking and walking so she goes the other way and to her it was like looking in a mirror and she saw it all of a sudden it was right there because it was turning on slightly daughter to let her know she's in the wrong place now she is seeking other items further away and his little spooked cuz of this massive mirror but she hung the middle of the city that was very wide as well most people are not near it right now they also seem to have disappeared she thought and she is excited because she's on the hunt again and see several news has found her quandary she moves to inspect them in a large possibly Dixie megatons are even more maybe 100 those would wipe out most of the city she tries to carefully go near them and figures out they might be too big to approach so she starts throwing things at them hoping someone would detonate them

She's tossing and tossing nobody seems interested in blowing it up She goes near ut maybe I'll clean it up with my breath

And here's a knocking sound from it so she clears off and it goes off Shields herself and in a moment the explosion is over she is left standing well how about 1/2 to one-third or so of the city it's gone she walks around it over and over like Justin does the house and continues a circle so far almost to revolutions she's very fast she's getting energized soon she will have to eat and we see her looking at the sea and it's odd because her behavior is similar to a human but not quite and she goes off into the ocean and it's found some things whakes sharks not to close in several miles and a sweet thing after a few moments she will have eaten and will be massive

But I think you're missing is Ghidora may have caught up with her and impregnated her so she is only doing what does natural and is so filling what nature has helped her do for many thousands of years she is ready to come in now and the songs has how to heal the wounds that were caused from debris from the nuclear weapon which was very large and could have killed just about any other keju maybe except gamera as her armor is thick Aura Kraken are female Kraken, she's approaching the shore and is eating many thousands of tons of food and is huge possibly almost twice as large as she was and heights and girth she's not fat nor does she have a fat ass she approaches in his majestic gigantic she's faster and bigger and meaner than any caves you that any of you ever seen stick that in your pipe and smoke it and she receives to tear the city apart and he says go go Godzilla because he's a big fan and has been his entire life ever since the weakling Doug introduced him to the monster who he thought was a man over and over he says it and she lays down somewhere giving birth 2 hundreds if not thousands of Kaiju

They come out whole brains, bodies everything and are nasty

They're eating everyone they see and are not selective.

Huge crowds have arrived to watch the spectacle in a growing many trillions as a matter of fact hundreds of trillions now the clouds growing radiation everywhere I don't care they want to see and the newborns which there are many thousands start to eat them they are screaming very loudly the newborns start to scream as well and answer their call and I also becoming aggressive trying to shut them up as the crowd yells at having to be quiet advance of the crowd enter mulching them faster than the crab can come in but the crown keeps coming in and keeps getting eaten as Godzilla's get bigger and bigger thousands of them right now two or three stories high and are eating them by the handful already in minutes the relation levels are so high huge gasps of air between mouthfuls by the Kaiju gigantic breathers so they can get oxygen and it is a massive chore to watch him but not hard he is looking for information all the time says it to anyone am I speaking coherently the computer doesn't seem to get my words most of the time but lots of times say yes and it says what is up with Godzilla she's eating them all as well as for kids they're all becoming very huge she is almost a quarter of a mile if not more and how it's going to one third of a mile and if the whole crowd keeps coming in she will be half mile high which is very very huge almost 2500 foot it is massive she's also seeking other nuclear weapons as crowds are crushing in from everywhere they can see her off in the distance everybody it's lit buy a flood lights and they fire weapons at her which seemed to klance off most of the time and hits the crowd which for some reason won't stop coming in they seem to be mostly insane and snap pictures madly and keeping me in to get a better shot because their camera phones don't have telephoto like they wantsome people try to hide their expressions when they realize that their people are dumber than a rock and can't but really it's not funny it's pitiful and grotesque and weird and some find it funny because he thought you were smart and l50 to be so dumb they can't stand you giant crowds have gathered they're pushing in mini quadrillions possibly 50 quadrillion to see this event has been in the movie industry since 2014.

Huge fans of showed up with giant godzilla posters and Godzilla in Godzilla feet Godzilla masks tons of people are worshipping her and praying for things threatening other people even around them for their stuff it's a madhouse it can't be avoided that Tommy is watching it and others well we are dictating what's happening to him and he sounds like the War of the worlds guy was reading off of script and it was a hoax and it was only on the radio but this is not a big comment about it every few seconds reason he's doing it is because of the an adequate memory and speed on this device due to the inadequate Care and attention on those around him

Not that it matters because you people are so strange and you just watch your army evaporate in a cloud of on movie last and passive interest in their desks and large amounts of interest in Godzilla in her brand new Army of people eaters which is going to town now and becoming huge they are each about 15 stories tall which is about 150 feet which is huge just one of them here would devastate this entire town and probably 30 minutes can easily defeat any hardware you bring against it and they have thousands just to put it in perspective you all would be toast except for him he's protected and he would like to see the motorcycle so bring it we laugh it is how we treat him because he is a leader even though she gets cranky as Bitol those and Thor do the incredible pressure with you bring against them unwillingly unwittingly destroying yourself.

It's a huge deal Tommy Trevino says to see Godzilla thrashing everyone and it's a massive movie interest and will probably use the footage in the movie because it's so awesome and pure and yes it was and I have recording has excellent equipment as opposed to the millions of cameras film and sending it all over the place idiots arriving in droves I want to see a movie humanity but it's actually then may not apply exactly lots of them no longer looks exactly human and appear to be eating humans and to be Krakens he says watch out Godzilla even in a third the size they are probably as strong as your gigantic monsters Poseidon wife recommend me for sensitivity training and some sort of barbarian training 2 remove certain traits or say find to be disturbing and I got it right and I learned it from Thor so he'll have to be in the class with me no I won't he says and you'll say I'm saying it where else Thor says good job says

Pay attention to the entertainment Tom that's my diction for Christ Jesus sake there's more important things and getting me pissed off enough to fill your room up with scorpions or invite you to the Texas chainsaw massacre 21 or whatever it is thank you crema I don't have great dreams tonight what all this horrendous shift announce scorpions in the Texas chainsaw massacre

There is a huge huge monsters even trillions of us and all we can do is sit watch and make jokes as we're defenseless here he has reminded us of it and I don't have nightmares and night tremors uses I'm probably make sweats because it does cause that and I might shake like Preston suddenly forget everything because our drinks are so helpful

It means something Tommy f he says

she's right a house is a house but the shrinks think that it's theirs and these huge groups are fighting Cajun mostly now and robots and them others and we're stuck here because of these idiot shrinks who think they eill destroy each other like quirky wood so we must check and see if corky is doing it because he has no idea what ghosting is he has no idea what controlling is or robot brains or anything it could be happening behind the scenes smarter parties are larger and smart parties he is a pushover and he says it's most likely them because Trump was doing it during the cuckoo's nest and I agree and now back to the show

I am speaking and it is my show but what he is saying here is pertinent and important the retarded people who are supposedly running the show are complete imbeciles and are negligent to the point of negligent homicide we cannot allow it to happen he mentioned it so often it's driving us nuts we cannot let him sit there and roast with these complete imbeciles core so hard to control and it makes it not worth it the general population and the massive evil enemy Army and satanists are easier to control than a handful of these idiots who don't see obvious things is good for them and don't see past her window most of the time they just keep their heads down and are in myopia and a very destructive to his life so I'm putting an order in a hit on them and I am sending Godzilla their next cuz I want them to see how horrific it is and purpose on purpose in person in their face loud and munching on all of their bones so they can hear and see how horrific it is I will stop laughing when we're talking about some of it is funny to him because he's more or less a master of a very huge and powerful keju and understands that they look somewhat funny to on occasion but do not have a sense of humor as Godzilla does and it's not entertaining the Kraken is a lethal adversary and destroys things out of hatred and evil it will lift your bunkers out and crush them and throw them clear across the city and destroy half the city with it before it cracks a smile about anyting response 4 aircraft carriers across the sea over the horizon I do not think that Godzilla even at her heights now almost a half a mile could lift one aircraft carrier up it is tremendously heavy and this Kraken have for size lifted it up and toss two of them at the same time quite easily 5 to 10 miles literally the horizon and you see it inspired you to make flying aircraft carriers what we know is he's angry and he talks for them and controls of an occasion and can devastate this area in minutes or seconds I simply throwing things at you that you send out after it's in your whole Fleet back in less than 5 minutes trying to think of it that way as we try and regain our honor I guess you're horde of retarded people or Miss guiding your reactions you should be in horror then he finds out something that will help me with my mind he thinks that these people are laughing at what we say and laughing know what Godzilla is doing because she's entertaining so he wonders why they're sitting here not able to see it watching crappy video it's probably is for them because they suck and it could be fake cuz billium like to fool them and like to make them laugh at people

But they say friends are calling and it looks very damned real I see their friends like a fool and have other people do it because they like to make fun of the damn people here messing with them and they understand that they're fools and they're massive Godzilla fans massive what he says is why don't you go to Gators and get some Gator bites and jump on a plane I'm trying to think of whatever you like turn on only see a major motion picture in action with the much on one of the Godzilla's and some other is cleaning house on trillions of ppl suddenly they remember how it goes they go out there and then I'll catch one because they suck and he agrees they probably can't catch one they're very powerful they're not alligators witcher's usually too much for them anyways by themselves and they're not professional hunters they're just annoying people who go around surrounding people and bother you no matter what their value are the show is coming here so don't find any reason to leave so I say I said I was going to send it here and I shall and he says where is there enough room and say Yes Miami so I will leave the details to Poseidon whether he wants to reveal it or not what he does and he says what else can I do and say I don't know I feel the same and it won't prevent you from doing anything that you feel is appropriate and you can get away with and Thor proves in Olympus

We feel it necessary to straighten out these evil assholes this little giggly horror bag schitts that have killed most of their people thus far and he wonders if they'll be afraid or just faint and not be able to be afraid because they are unconscious by the way and make it a glimpse what will they remember you have nightmares like Tommy will have tonight not asked Godzilla to come here so I can see it and he says you fools you've killed us again they said it wasn't our idea and he doubts it and says 3 was it and what I say is they're taunting Godzilla and Poseidon you can actually get her here taunting usually does the trick every time and I do it constantly processive reason send to people Tom Selleck I got here probably billiam bunch of people they suckered here try and collect like collectors they try to collect me and up dead and they don't care which is normal because their thought process is completely messed up that's what happened we need two people to be stupid so I could send Godzilla to the city because you're too lazy and fat to go to San Francisco you want to bring the destruction here probably so they can rebuild it I'm trying I'm trying to put junk it buggers or whenever they don't know what they would have talked for some reason hilarious by threatening me your mind go ahead little punk so you're a jackass crap and ill spit venom and fire at you you won't know it

There you go put your back into it I'm firing a 50 cal might be able to hear it off in the distance your mother and your f***** brother dying an old troubadour of dick holes would you care to step up to the plate and have your own brain blown out fag boy

I get it leave us alone corky says you're very sensitive and very destructive I see you well aren't you the student stay the hell out of our business means you are perpetually in my business you're perpetually threatening me I'm going to professionally kill you you don't run anything you say you do and you irritate me and threatened me and ruin my diet monitor and I'm a massive nuisance I'll remove you now you'll miss the show someone else will see it you little c***

I'm sending Godzilla over after she's finished here and have Ghidora will meet up with her first and she'll get here fat and pregnant and irradiated maybe even bigger than she is now and devastate the city just like the little assholes want to try and bring him to DC which is disappearing rapidly and they say they will rebuild even though we just carted off all of the important buildings in need the city will threaten for on the way up there so the sable all the roads and highways I'm destroying them in the bridges I taking them and I can have a fun time trying to get there without planes or submarines are boats we shall destroy thank you very much my son for being patient even though it doesn't seem it to you you have a very steadfast tune in space and your expression patience to them to some of us out loud but I truly trying extremely hard to lead us correctly and r please don't know that and I'm tired for like to say I thank you for thanking me

Posiden and Wife

Ghidora and Godzilla. They are ours

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mst3kproject · 7 years

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Reptilicus

I defy you to find something in this movie that doesn't qualify it for MST3K. Giant lizardy monster? Check. A musical number that has nothing to do with the plot? We have that. Actors who appear to be dubbed despite also appearing to speak English? The entire cast! Black and white footage tinted blue in an effort to make it look like it belongs in a colour movie? You betcha! Wooden acting? Beakers of kool-aid standing in for SCIENCE? Foreigners pretending to be Americans? Toy boats? Yep, Reptilicus has it all, wrapped up in a bright technicolour package by our old friend, American International Pictures!

It seems tailor-made for the show, and Joel apparently agrees. I wrote most of this review before I found out that Reptilicus was slated to be the Season 11 debut, and now I’m looking forward to seeing how many of my predictions here come true when the episode hits Netflix on Friday.

SPOILERS: none of them! Not a damned one!

Copper miners on the tundra of Lapland discover a piece of a frozen prehistoric monster in the arctic permafrost (never mind that the scene was shot on a nice spring day in the woods somewhere). A guy named Sven is charged with bringing the find back to civilized parts for study. I hope you like Sven, because he's going to keep hanging around for the entire movie, and apparently possesses the same all-purpose security clearance as a Japanese child. He's still in town when the chunk of monster thaws out and begins to regenerate. Ultimately the regrown beast escapes its tank at the Copenhagen Aquarium and goes on a cartoon-people-devouring, scale-model-smashing rampage. Because what else is a prehistoric lizard monster going to do with its spare time?

Yep, that's the quality of effects we're talking about here. I like the windows that appear to be drawn on with crayon.

Being as the movie is set in Denmark, the sign on the building where the monster parts are being kept says AKVARIUM. I don't know why, but my friends and I used to find that outrageously funny. Every time it appeared on screen we would all shout AKVARIUM! in obnoxious faux-German mad scientist voices. Of course, that was years ago. We're now thirty-somethings with mortgages, children, and assorted professional qualifications – but I bet if we all got back together and watched this movie, it would be exactly the same. AKVARIUM!

Had the MST3K of the 90s ever seen fit to tackle Reptilicus, I'm pretty sure they would have made some kind of running joke about the AKVARIUM. I can also imagine them asking Reptilicus if he'd like some coffee with that Danish, the two monsters taking turns on the hexfield to offer competing stories of why Gamera vs Reptilicus fell through, and Dr. Forrester and Frank putting together a 'Visit Beautiful Deep Thirteen' campaign – with or without a lounge act.

It almost feels kind of unfair to attempt any actual analysis of this movie. Analysis is for movies that have higher ambitions, and Reptilicus really does not. If I squinted hard enough I might be able to pull something about scientific over-reach or cooperation between nations out of the mess, but whatever I came up with would be sort of a Last Minute 11th Grade King Lear Essay, made mostly out of coffee and bullshit. All Reptilicus wants is for the audience to have a good time (and maybe to visit Copenhagen), and it does accomplish that even if not quite in the way it wants to.

Rather than talking about what Reptilicus fails at (and believe me, it fails at quite a bit), then, let's talk about how it succeeds. What we really have here is a very fine example of how having something fun to look at can go a long way towards saving a lousy movie.

When you get right down to it, just about everything in Reptilicus is bad. The plot is contrived and full of holes – why do we keep Sven around when by all rights he should be back in the arctic doing his damn job instead of hanging around in Copenhagen? How stupid is just about everybody at the AKVARIUM to let the tail thaw out? Could they really not come up with a better way to suggest drugging the monster than the old trope about 'somebody offhandedly says I wish we could do Thing and somebody else goes why not'? How does General Grayson keep forgetting about the monster's regenerative powers so that he starts shooting at it again?

The acting is terrible. Apparently there's a reason for this – the Danish actors who starred in the production didn't speak any English and had no idea what their lines meant! That's why everything had to be dubbed over later, which means each performance in Reptilicus is a collaboration between two un-talented actors who were truly less than the sum of their parts. Worst of all is Carl Ottosen as General Grayson and the uncredited guy doing his voice. Ottosen almost always looks like he's not entirely sure what he's reacting to, and voiceover guy has only two modes: grouchy grump and solemn declaration. Sometimes he manages to do both at the same time. I hate to say it, but the best actor in the movie is probably Dirch Passer as Petersen the Comic Relief Janitor, who has a passable sense of physical comedy. He almost manages to sell his reactions to things like the electric eel and the microscopic view of his sandwich, even when the jokes themselves aren't particularly funny.

The characters don't have much to them. Sven is a terrible main character, without charisma or recognizable personality or even any motivation. He sticks around for the whole movie and spends most of it just standing there watching other people do stuff. Sometimes he answers phones or acts as a chauffer. He comes across less as the movie’s hero and more as its administrative assistant. Grayson's just there to shout orders and complain, but he's still closer to being a proper protagonist than Sven – maybe this is why they have him narrate a few scenes, in an attempt to correct this bizarre oversight. The professor's two horny daughters never amount to much, and Passer's comedy can't quite save Petersen from being the character everybody most wants to see die (he does not, but at least he's out of the story once the rampage begins). The Scientists are Movie Scientists, too interested in what they might learn to think about things like consequences and personal safety.

The effects are the opposite of convincing, always drawing attention to themselves as effects rather than contributing to the story. I've seen some ridiculous movie monsters, but Reptilicus himself (everybody in the movie refers to the creature as male) is right up there in the top ten. He looks something like a very silly Chinese dragon – a long, skinny, snakelike beast with a forked tongue, a mane of ratty fur down his back, tiny useless legs, and a pair of small wings that are, tragically, never used. Apparently a scene of Reptilicus flying was filmed, but was deemed ‘too unbelievable’ and cut from the film. The monster's acid-spitting consists of squiggles of green goo that resemble radioactive silly string. When he eats a farmer, it is represented by an animated cutout of the man in Reptilicus' mouth.

Okay, so I did just talk about how the movie fails, and I could keep doing so for some time. The comic relief isn't funny. The movie stops for a moment to break into a travel ad. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The point is, Reptilicus objectively sucks and if it were shot like a modern disaster film, all gritty and gray and trying for realism, it would be insufferable. Instead, however, it's cartoony and colourful, and while the effects aren't convincing they're always at least creative. The sets always look like sets, and the models always look like models, but they're elaborate and inspired. Everything sucks, but movie are a visual medium, so if it's fun to watch the viewers will forgive all kinds of sins.

It's also a perfect example of an important bit of bad movie truth: you can't make a bad movie on purpose, not the good kind of bad movie. People can try, but they come up with stuff like The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, which I couldn't even watch all the way through. A truly enjoyable bad movie is one that's trying hard to be a good movie and fails in just the right sort of ways – an intentional bad movie is the equivalent of a belabored explanation of a punch line that wasn’t that funny to begin with. The thing that makes Reptilicus so much fun is the same spark that animates Teenagers from Outer Space, or Starcrash, or even Troll 2 – its sincerity.

Reptilicus is one of the most utterly unapologetic movies I've ever watched. We've all seen movies that seem a bit embarrassed by themselves – remember Being from Another Planet, which wishy-washily tried to be a Serious Movie about Serious People instead of just embracing the fact that it was about a fucking space mummy? Reptilicus is the opposite of that. It's not ashamed of anything, even in the places where by all rights it should be. Its monster is an immobile puppet in a scale model, but the shots linger lovingly on every shoddy detail. Peterson the Comic Relief Janitor ought to be painful, but the script is so earnest that he somehow becomes a meta-joke: the very fact that he's not funny is itself funny. Somebody thought the movie could be used to sell Copenhagen as a tourist destination, so they have the characters tour the city and talk about what a great time they're having. The movie never gives less than its all to anything it puts on the screen.

So yeah, I love Reptilicus. It's never boring and it’s frequently laugh-out-loud funny, and there's nothing in it that's either offensive or scary. There are much worse ways to waste eighty minutes of your life.

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #reptilicus #60s

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topsolarpanels · 7 years

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7 Giant Crazy Real Things That Look Straight Sci Fi, Son

A whole bunch of hardcore science stuff went into designing pretty much anything within your line of vision right now. Why, your smartphone alone took up to three Science to induce. Three! Some of those Sciences were Scienced up in bearing old Science Buildings, sure — but some of them were birthed from bizarre, fantastical landscapes like …

The “Russian Woodpecker” Looks Like A Kaiju Wall

In 1976, radio signals around the world were interrupted by a strange, regular, tapping noise over the airwaves that people nicknamed “The Russian Woodpecker.” Nobody knew what it was exactly, but radio geeks eventually managed to triangulate its origin to a place just outside Chernobyl, in Ukraine. Specifically this thing TAGEND Ingmar Runge/ Wiki Commons It was, at the time, the scariest thing anywhere near Chernobyl .

This was before that other incident that made Chernobyl famous, so of course back then it appeared a little … fresher … than it does these days.

Ryan Menezes But it’s holding up pretty well for 40 -year-old untended steel .

Given the supervillain-bent of most massive Soviet projects, and, well … just the looking of that crazy damn thing, supposition was rampant: It was a mind-control device, a climate machine, hell, maybe only a giant antenna to pirate Martian pornography. We weren’t genuinely on speaking words with the Soviets, so it’s not like we could just ask them.

Alexander Blecher, blecher.info It would be decades till Russians occupied and controlled the White House .

After the Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the Woodpecker maintained tapping for a couple more years and then fell silent. It was merely after the Cold War aimed that we were able to find out what it truly was: The virtually 500 -foot-tall metal wall known as Duga-3 was one of three radar installings capable of seeing incoming American weapons. That’s not as interesting as our wild guess: Giant Gamera fence. But reality so rarely is.

Wow, what a truly amazing structure, rendered virtually instantly obsolete by satellites .

The World’s Most Silent Laboratory Look Like Weird Video Game Levels

Want a little peace and quiet? Go to the park. Want all the peace and quiet? Your alternatives are TAGEND

1. The grave, or …

2. An anechoic chamber, like the one at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

Because if there’s one thing we all associate with jet engines, it’s absolute silence .

It looks like aliens holding Air force One for ransom, but that blue spiky padding is just sound- and radar-absorbing polyurethane, which totally shields the inside of the building from outside sound and electromagnetic waves, permitting the Air force to test sensitive radar equipment.

Inside, you hear nothing, other than your own hollering hallucinations .

And this isn’t some bizarre technology limited to the military — scientists all over the world make use of these chambers for testing sensitive voice and radio technology. Eckel Industries has one that looks even more alien TAGEND Are we sure this isn’t a 2001 screen cap ? And, of course, techno-supervillains Apple have furnished 17 of these rooms at a total cost of $ 100 million to test transmitters and general iPhone performance TAGEND

To eradicate audio, they started by removing all headphone jacks .

But if you’re looking for the quietest place on the entire planet, that’s Microsoft’s audio lab in Redmond, Washington TAGEND We don’t hear much activity in Bing headquarters .

It’s so quiet in that room that people can hear their own blood . It’s the only place in the world where instruments was in fact pick up the audio of goddamn molecules brushing against one another. And Microsoft utilizes it pretty much exclusively to prove that they’re better than Apple.

California’s Water-Saving Devices Look Like Alien Egg-Spheres

California’s historic drought has necessitated some fairly novel water-conserving technologies. Take, for example, this clutch of gleaming black extraterrestrial eggs infesting Los Angeles’s municipal watering holes.

It looks less gross than most LA water, but still .

It looks like the West Coast is about to be swarming with hundreds of millions of face-huggers, but these are actually only harmless plastic “shade balls” that the LA Department Of Water And Power deliberately dumped into the city’s reservoir in 2015.

Stimulating it the most epic suit of throwing shade in city history .

There’s about 96 million balls in the reservoir, which means, even though each individual whatchamacallit only expenses 36 cents, the whole project cost around $34.5 million.

It’s the most expensive teabagging imaginable .

And while dumping the entire GDP of a small country straight into a water supply would ordinarily be labeled a bizarre cataclysm, there’s a good reason for this: the balls reduce evaporation and slacken algae growth. The department calculates it saves around 300 million gallons per year, and merely seems a little like alien caviar.

Alien caviar is $120 a plate at Spago .

The World’s Biggest Solar Power Plant Looks Like A UFO Launch Pad

Deep in California’s Mojave Desert, there’s something that looks like a Prius charging station for electric UFOs.

Note: This is one photo , not several put together .

That’s the Ivanpah Solar Power Facility, the world’s largest solar plant, and a major step toward California’s goal of providing 33 percent of the state’s electricity from renewable sources by 2020.

To milk that much juice out of the shine daystar, you need a hell of a lot of mirrors. Around 173,500, to be precise. Their undertaking is to take most of the sunlight that falls on the 3,500 -acre facility and concentrate it all onto one of the three Ikea-brand Eyes Of Sauron that stand at the center.

Water inside the nearly 460 -foot-tall towers is turned to steam and funneled into a turbine. The facility has a capacity of 377 megawatts, and at full production, the plant could light up 140,000 California homes.

The environmentally-minded developers constructed sure to relocate an endangered species of tortoise so that they could develop on its natural habitat. So it’s various kinds of ironic that the facility unwittingly triggered a bird holocaust. See, those invisible beams of sunlight that the mirrors are shooting out are hot enough to instantaneously incinerate anything that passes through them. Regrettably — well, you know how a bug-zapper works? Imagine one big enough to work on rare falcons. Merely the rarest . Reports suggest that Ivanpah incinerates an unsuspecting bird around every two minutes .

The World’s Most Powerful Lasers Look Like … Well, The World’s Most Powerful Lasers

According to the University Of Rochester, the purpose of its Laboratory For Laser Energetics( LLE) department is “to investigate the interaction of intense radioactivity with matter.” This is a research grant-friendly route of saying “blow shit up with lasers.” Lasers like this one TAGEND

Fact: This is how God constructed the universe .

That’s the 30 -foot-tall, virtually 330 -foot-long OMEGA laser system. Among the world’s most powerful lasers, its rays deliver 40,000 joules of ass-shattering energy in a single billionth-of-a-second detonation onto a fuel pellet the size of a pencil tip-off. Here’s what it looks like from inside the chamber, moments before a bumbling lab intern turns you into The Hulk.

It’s “ve called the” OMEGA laser because it’s the last thing you’ll insure . The OMEGA laser is in friendly competitor with the National Ignition Facility( NIF) in Livermore, California. Unlike the OMEGA’s direct-drive method — zapping a gasoline pellet with lasers — the NIF focuses an insane 192 lasers on a tiny golden enclosure, producing X-rays which then strike the pellet. It also appears exactly like a Borg sphere TAGEND

Or their sex toy .

From the inside, it looks like something Jeff Goldblum is about to blow up with a Macbook virus TAGEND It is also able to locate all mutants worldwide .

The Soviet Union Actually Had Crazy Giant Tesla Coils

In Command And Conquer: Red Alert , the Soviet team could construct giant Tesla coils that incinerated hapless Allied soldiers. Turns out that wasn’t made up: They truly existed.

Weird. We didn’t realize “Thor” was a Russian name .

These 130 -foot lightning towers, tucked away in secluded woodland 25 miles from Moscow, weren’t designed to obliterate encroaching adversaries, but simply for scientific curiosity and testing electrical insulation. At least, that’s what they tell us.

They tested the electrical insulation of Gulag prisoners .

The High Voltage Marx And Tesla Generators Research Facility is a mess of tubes and wires that could have been inspired by mid-century science fiction B-movies. And when it’s set to full power, it can match the entire country’s electrical potential with lightning ten-strikes that rise 500 feet into the sky.

Targeting the USSR’s number-one enemy: hope .

It is now the property of the Russian Electrical Engineering Institute and supposedly not at all evil, though it’s still operational, and can sometimes be seen sparking its bolts high into the air for what we are sure are utterly benign scientific purposes.

Today, all it does is pump out high-energy Putin memes .

Fusion Power Research Looks Like Something From An Alien Sequel

Fusion power is a clean, sustainable energy source that, if mastered, would eliminate our need for non-renewable fuels and offer dirt cheap electricity for everyone on countries around the world. All we have to do is find a way to imitation the conditions at the core of the sun. Easy!

Toward this end, MIT has created the “Alcator C-Mod, ” basically a large metal donut that confines a stream of crazy-millions-of-degrees-hot plasma within a magnetic field. Don’t worry, they tell us the reaction occurs on a small scale and is pretty well contained, so it probably won’t kill you. Unless you bang its giant superconducting girlfriend.

Then, it’ll smack you so hard you’ll get permanent fisheye vision .

Unfortunately, the Alcator C-Mod was necessary to shut down after losing sponsorship from the Department Of Energy, though not before setting a new fusion world record on its last night of operation. In spite of attaining temperatures of 35 million degrees at an unprecedented 2.05 atmospheres of pressure, federal fusion funding was diverted to France’s International Thermonuclear Experimental Reactor( ITER ), soon to be the world’s biggest, baddest magnetic imprisonment experiment.

Though its model here is more of an adorable Star Wars droid .

Scheduled for finish in 2015, numerous delays have pushed that to 2021 at least, with its cost soaring from an initial$ 5 billion to about $40 billion and counting. But hey, it’s shaping up to look dope as hell.

It’ll be an amazing venue for the 2022 World Cup .

Meanwhile, in Japan, they have the Large Helical Device( LHD ), a project of the National Institute For Fusion Science in Toki, Gifu Prefecture. The LHD attempts to mimic the action at the core of stars by trapping hellishly hot plasma within a magnetic field restricted inside a twisted 44 -foot metal tube. More importantly, though, it looks like they ripped the design straight out of H. R. Giger’s nightmares.

From the outside, the LHD looks pretty innocuous TAGEND Just a run-of-the-mill planet mill .

But on the inside, its eight intertwining superconducting coils look like the kind of porn that Japanese robots won’t admit to watching …

They had to invent four new dimensions to construct this .

To achieve fusion without the gravitational advantage of a body 330, 000 times the mass of the Earth, terrestrial fusion devices must heat ga to about 100 million degrees Celsius. This roiling hell-stew would speedily melt the very machine that created it, so magnetic fields exerting 1,000 tons of pressure per meter are required to separate the plasma from the inner walls. For some reason, this requires giant metal tentacles.

We’re not about to question it; they seem to know what they’re doing.

Also check out 23 Real-Life Mad Scientists Deleted From Your History Books and The 6 Most Baffling Science Experiments Ever Funded . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 10 Ways Science Says You Can Seem More Attractive, and other videos you won’t insure on the site !