#well. i was still a fan of them i just havent revisited them in a while

[leonhrt]

i really have just been getting back into things i was into as a kid recently

[ketamie]

What are the furry things you’re into like idk the games or something or is it comics. I want to see what this is all about

i don't know where to even start i got into the furry thing when i was literally like 12 so there's a lot of backlog for me. i used to interface with the "fandom" via comics mostly at the time. though which i don't remember plus they're probably awful. & redacted. the first thing i've read that sticks out is grant by captaingerbear LMAOOOO i don't consider the thing particularly pornographic plus it's almost entry level furry-wise not that it really matters (the distinction isn't all that interesting imo). i've heard there's a wealth of some genuinely interesting gay furry comics (not grant) that i've just never gotten to. the internship by jackaloo comes to mind as something that's praised but i read it and did not care soooo. if you're more interested in pornography just dm me and i can point you in several directions im just not doing it here because look at me i'm completely normal.

nowadays what i like most about the fandom is the visual novels anyway like. what got the poison to start spreading for me was playing morenatsu back in 2014 which is like one of the progenitors of the gay furry dating simulator genre it's definitely not the first of its kind but i literally see its icy paw still clawing into modern gay furry visual novels. i'm not saying it's "good" but it's literally the template. there's a lot of things considered abhorrent about it that i've seen people try to fix in a certain fan-made remake but it'll never be the original morenatsu. for better or for worse. also the game was never finished but it did enough damage already

since then i've played. let me see. extracurricular activities, minotaur hotel, nekojishi, password, pervader, the human heart, distant travels, after class, house of beef, echo, the smoke room, adastra, arches, khemia. i've touched interea, badtime stories, morenatsu revisited, willy bear beach, lagoon lounge. i could be forgetting a couple. there's also a lot more i never bothered with. almost none of these are finished so far with the exception of echo, adastra and nekojishi to my knowledge because the entire "market" exploded maybe half a decade ago and people are still printing these out on the renpy engine on a very slow update schedule considering most of them are passion projects for broken gay men

if you'd ask me what seperates them from other gay media i think it's the only thing the fujoshis and "allies" havent infiltrated yet considering that being a gay furry requires like deep layers of investment i think. like it's very clear these things are written by gay men for other gay men and even though the quality is often atrocious i think it's so often beautifully camp that it doesn't matter. i always cite extracurricular activities as one my favorite pieces of camp media ever made. morenatsu has that feeling of insane longing embedded in its fabric even though i seriously doubt it was intentional. i could also just be projecting though. but yeah it's an insular community and that adds to its unique charm

if you'd ask me what i'd recommend... morenatsu but watch out (there's really heinous elements to it). echo 1000000% as honest to god some of the most amazing fiction that i've ever read but a lot of its text is dedicated to subverting already established tropes that you'll only fully appreciate if you read it as your n-th gay furry visual novel. but despite that it doesn't matter. adastra as a really well written gay romance. i thought password was interesting and it's something you can sink your teeth into. minotaur hotel.... it's alright. most of these are published on itch io as free games so you're very much free to pick and choose what you think you'd like. it's not that deep at the end of the day. if you want to hear a more detailed opinion on what i think is good or bad literally just dm me i'll talk your ear off like i've done to several mutuals in the past

and if you want to get a better grasp on what being a furry entails in general i might not be the best person to ask even though i'm literally obsessed with the visual novels i'm very much not all that knowledgeable about much else that goes on i was never a furaffinity baby i don't really know the artists the important pieces of work or whatever that means... i simply read.

[tklpilled]

ty for the tag @cantsaythetword <3

fandom faves of the year !!

favourite new fandom: i guess bsd considering i've been hyperfixated since april LMAO but mp100 is also a vv good one!!

favourite new ships: skk, satosugu, and akiangel

favourite anime/tv show: chainsaw man !!

favourite movie: the only good ones i watched didn't come out this year so. none

favourite character: do Not make me choose i'll cry

favourite soundtrack: the csm soundtrack goes So hard

favourite book/manga/comic: TGCF OMG i havent even finished it (if anyone knows where i can read the whole thing translated i'll love you) but its so good

favourite game: i dont think i played any that came out this year!! been wanting to play legends arceus though

highlight of the year: i am forgetting literally Everything that happened this year. reigen sans queen of england was definitely a fun one though

community faves !!

favourite tumblr moment: goncharov was certainly a time

favourite fanart: this, this, this, this, and this are some :)

favourite fic: oh this one is. very hard .... but some that i find myself revisiting often are -if we're being honest by thequeenofwhump -now and forever (and before then, too) by radstarmuffin -difficult patient by stargazingly -birthday tickles for the child(e) by anonymous

favourite ask game: gonna be honest i remember absolutely zero of the ones i reblogged

top achievement as a creator: i hit 500 followers !! which is so cool ily guys

best fic of mine: in terms of impressions, on ao3 it was looking out for you and here it was kiss me hard before you go, which is wild because i wrote it last week, but if we're talking fic that im most proud of, im a fan of my akiangel drabble here

most underappreciated fic of mine: dandelion didn't do very well on ao3 </3

post that got more popularity than expected: that akiangel fic. what the hell

something on my blog i changed: my layout. numerous times.

next year !!

something i didn't do this year but would like to next year: commissions!! i plan on opening them soon :D

goals for next year: i feel like i didn't write much this year until these past few months, so writing more!!

2023 releases i'm looking forward to: botw2 definitely!! as well as the new seasons for bsd, jjk, tgcf, and sxf :)

spreading love !!

shoutout to people who made my year better: of course all of my friends and partners!! i love you all sm <3 and shoutout to those mutuals i don't regularly talk to but we're still chilling together

(too nervous to tag anyone so just go for it lmao)

[spikeinthepunch]

i was blabbing on my priv twit about SU and i still have more thoughts but i am putting it under a cut so you must choose to read it, and it you do dont be stupid about it <3 if you follow me and want to bring up old ass SU discourse you should leave. i am looking back and appreciating this show

i have noticed some ppl watch SU who havent before watch it now, and its nice seeing a number of folk be like "why were people discoursing about this?? its just a good kids show" which is totally 100% true, tho i hope ppl watching it are also aware of like.... how important that show was/is-- not even just for its LGBT rep but its story IS serious/has a lot of depth and does teach some very unexplored themes, and lessons.

people were overly serious and heated about the show in a way that was like "i expect these things because it already did [serious thing]! why arent they doing this!" but you cant deny the show dove into some serious territory and wildly out there themes that kids shows werent doing at all. the show was plot focused and it took all kinds of twists and turns- no one should be mistaken about that, its just that adult fans were stupid about it.

and alongside newer watchers talking about the show i still see a lot of it followed with "...but i know its flawed!" which like. yes, also true. but i think something i notice with that is that it feels like anyone going to watch the show has to put up a defense of like "i know i said the show is good BUT i need to say its flawed or else people will get mad and assume i think its perfect". and lets be real. what show is gonna be perfect? none really, but we dont say that for like... every other show we go to talk about. why do you have to put a disclaimer when talking about SU?? as if it almost feel required when talking in spaces where ppl may have Opinions about it, bc the fandom was often so toxic. its definitely because SU fandom still left that impression of constant discourse, and not recognizing its flaws meant (to them) that you endorsed all kinds of things that could be "bad" about it.... i really dont think its worth saying at all nowadays if we want to detach from the fandom 'that was'.

anyone who watches can gladly come to their own conclusion about that, but in the end i think many now wont have such a big impression about whether or not its flawed because it is a kids show, you know? wasnt that the point of revisiting it today? being softer on it than the rabid 2016 tumblr fans? i think many do feel that way, not affected by the fandom, but in the end i just find it important to not feel the need to validate those who would assume the worst out of something you never stated.

i mostly voice this because again, it kinda sucks seeing a lot of talk just be about new watchers surprised the fandom was so toxic because the show its just a nice kid show. cartoons as media isnt often (or at all) regarded in long history and its a shame because i think more and more people forget SU paved the way for so much, for so many shows and cartoons especially. and i think its really worth talking about SU without feeling the need to mention its "flawed" because even then i think the fandom really heightened/exaggerated those flaws.

its well written and it most definitely threw in lessons and feelings and explorations of things id never seen before that even as a not-child age was very important to see. honestly dont know what i would be like if i hadnt seen that show, and i wasnt a child and i took it seriously, and you should to some extent! you wouldnt be the same as those adults who got into discourse. its normal to have cared about that show.

basically i hope people dont forget those important as time goes on, and i think it is important to also seperate the 'stupid adult fan' from the expression and closeness to any peice of media on can have even if its a cartoon. its been a hot topic more and more to talk about adults enjoying kids shows- some more harsh and strict than others. i know its expected people will remember a shitty fandom but SU isnt even a bad show either. id hardly say its mediocre even for the ppl who dont care for it, bc it could still erase/take away focus from how it affected LGBT shows going forward and that alone is very important! idk where to end this now but i just had feelings. i detached from the fandom like in the middle of the show (or at least just stopped looking directly in spaces like tumblr) and i kind of missed any opinions ppl started forming but all i see now is a lot of recognition for the fandom being bad but not a lot of deeper discussion of what the show did in the end. there is so much to say about the show from a meta context and the development it had as well.

[gayspock]

komaeda

(starts chasing you)

How I feel about this character lets embarass ourselves right off the bat. because you know? you know what? ive got horrifyingly complicated feelings. and its like... jesus god... (shakes head)

i guess its just.... he's just separate entities now, isnt he? IM NOT TRYING TO- you know.... like im not trying to make it all so much more than it is, but it kinda just happens. like- he's sort of become a punchline on this site in particular, whether that be fingers in his ass sunday (good lord, thats rotten to say like that) or a "cursed" "meme" (ACK!) post or whatnot. but then there's also the VERY removed fan interpretation of him, in its mant variations, and that- well... a lot of those versions of him are also fucking loathsome.

but then for me personally. i dont know. i also have multiple different perspectives on him, in of itself. does that make sense?

because jeez, man- LIKE... he genuinely DID mean a lot to me as a younger teen. JOKES aside he was hilariously quite special to me which god bless your fucking soul... when i first interacted with DR, i did quite sincerely obsess over him and obviously. that did sort of... morph over time, then? because- you know how it is.... when you're in a "fandom space", your perceptions will shift and change with it (i do have a ramble about that locked and loaded im specifically going to stop myself from getting into here GOD bless) and i know with himit did become several layers of well im still obsessed, well this is a joke, well this this embarrassing, this that and the other... etc. etc. etc. lalala. i think its fun and cute to do that you know and get yourself all twisted into silly knots that you cant explain to anyone, not even yourself<3

BUT FR. now looking back on it its like.... if i just strip it back. i do still really do like him as a character, yknow? funnily enough. and i do still identify with some aspects of how i felt before but... with a hopefully slightly more mature perspective? LIKE- OKAY... RIGHT. LIKE. I THINK WHAT KIND OF EMBARASSES ME THE MOST is like... his whole little inferiority complex and very particular thought proocesses (DO be quiet...</3) really were things i found a lot of solace in (shut up</3) as a 16 y.o and its like bestie... in many ways im still like god. well yeah. but also its like cmon if we have to be like that does it have to be through fucking komaeda..... because like also obviously, along with my perspective on him, i dont rlly feel the same way abt DR as a whole as i once did. obviously. now im like- HELL im strikingly indifferent to it now. huh. weird. BUT EH.

All the people I ship romantically with this character you know its funny. i dont actually get.... invested-invested in "ships" and dying by particular ones. LIKE- for the most partits like i do LIKE certain dynamics and think theyre fun to entertain but i rarely ever have dedicated a whole lot of my interaction with a certain media to just that with like... the exceptions of j*hnlock when i was 13 and the MUCH later appreciation for spirk (though obviously i love other parts of tos- but they are an actual pairing where im like ok.. sniff sniff yah.. and did have a particular grip on me for a hot sec) AND........................................ komahina.................. which also fucking. yeah. i guess its just a fucking. every 5 years i get something wrong with me. thats actually a very funny regular schedule.

i dont think i do seriously commit to anything else, though. i liked the ot3 with them and nanami but i dont know how i feel about komaeda/nanami or if its just hinata has TWO hands. i really havent revisited SDR2 recently enough to properly assess that but my inclination is still a "uhhh, idk..." bc i do v much see komaeda as a gay man. im not opposed to some naegi/komaeda sentiments but i also dont rlly take that aboard more than like a passing haha sure moment rather than any proper exploration of it.

My non-romantic OTP for this character hmm... not sure! i think i need to revisit for some more specific interactions bc hell its been a LONG time since i replayed sdr2... but even then. i think any "brotp" type pairings WOULD be very much in the realm of hypothetical headcanoning - bc you know... HELP. he isnt offered much in the text. i think ive always liked the idea of like... komaeda being friends with anyone else from his class if he had the proper chance. and i think, like as i said above, with him, hinata and nanami if they WERE together it'd obviously be with him and nanami being besties but i guess thats also hard to asses with so much distance from the damn thing

My unpopular opinion about this character hhow.... hhoow. i think. chrit. I DONT KNOW HOW YOU KNOW. unpopular..... i think the interpretations of komaeda can be so fucking insane to the wall yet somehow so rampant that its literally so hard for me to say sth does tha tmake any sense.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon i wish he wasnt in danganronpa. i wish none of the cast of the first two games were in danganronpa. i wish dr3 was better despite the fact i had a lot of fun on this blog in 2016. i wish i wish i wish upon stars but ultimately its fine if none of it comes true ive made my peace <3

[troop52]

do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

[yeoldontknow]

🖊writerly conversation tag

tagged by @j-pping to do this amazing interview/reflections tag. of course she put together one of the most amazing tags ever because she is brilliant. thank you for tagging me angel! 

questions below the cut!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

gosh...i think for me the hardest bit was staying both motivated and inspired. a lot of my inspiration comes from being out in the world. im an introvert but i enjoy being out in the city around the noise and the people and the buildings on my own. the majority of my writing used to be done while riding the subway or on a weekend after id gone out somewhere. a lot of my fics are inspired by locations, and experiences within those locations. being inside for the majority of the year made it hard for me to remember how...people interact with or relate to the spaces around them. so i felt like a lot of the time staying inspired was coming from places within just me that felt inauthentic. i think my writing benefits from my ability to see multiple perspectives, so i felt like a lot of dialogue or writing itself was suffering just coming from me alone. it took a lot of work to ensure that it wasnt like that. 

and then, motivation was also so hard. the internet and the news and everything about america, the planet, the everything was unrelenting and draining. we as people were privy to so much trauma this year, to the collapse and fracture of communities, lives, governments. there were several weeks at the end of may and into june where i just...couldnt. i had no energy for anything. it happened again in november after the election and the windfall of it. energetic tensions were so high it just felt so hard to push out words when things were breaking everywhere. like there were more important things i needed to focus on, and healing was one of them.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

i enjoyed the new community of writers/friends i found by writing for bts again. they challenged me and pushed me to better myself. @jamaisjoons is so inspirational in the way she generates community and encourages relationships between storytellers. doing the summer bucket list pushed me out of my hermit hole for camp nano, and i cranked out molotov cocktail and felt so proud of it. it mattered so much to me because it was the first long thing id written after a period of feeling deceased, and it was so enjoyable because there was a sense of community around it. its easy to forget how essential having a support system in your creative community is.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

probably ciperion. words cannot express how proud i am of that story and the direction its going in. i read it back sometimes and i realize that my writing was elevated because of that piece. tbh molotov was responsible for that lift, but ciperion was just a whole other tier. ive also never written anything like that story before and it felt so good exploring the themes of seafaring and pirates. 

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

that i absolutely am someone who took for granted how inspiring the world is even if i see it as a stressor. but also that writing isnt necessarily about being inspired. its about pushing on when its hard. some of my best pieces came from that kind of push this year. 2020 felt like...a slog through most of it, but i kept pushing myself to write even when i was low and tired. i realized that some of my best writing comes from that push, when its not easy and when its difficult and i have to think harder. thats where i grow. 

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

i think im more syntax and detailed focused than i used to be. lately ive been experimenting with making the act of reading feel like pleasure. my favourite books are the ones where i read a sentence, and im moved because it felt nice to read or it felt powerful. the sentence itself had power, not the image it was trying to convey. somehow separate, if that makes sense. theres a lot i need to learn before i could go off comfortably and try to write a book, and this is what ive been trying to master. my attention to detail has grown, and sometimes i think thats a detriment. i think sometimes im too detailed and i dont leave my reader enough power on their own. im still finding that balance, but i think im pleased right now with what im trying to push myself to master.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

ive had two books in my mind forever. one was originally being written as a fanfic in a different fandom before i stopped and realized its too big and so much more important, and is worth being a book id like to write. if i wrote an opus like this it would actually be a book id submit to publishers but ~

- hundreds of years in the future, society has learned how to cure most diseases. for those we cannot, the sick person can be cryogenically frozen for a period of time until a cure is found. there is, however, a limit to the length of time they are frozen. no one has ever been frozen for over 100 years, and the main character is a scientist embarking on the experiment to do just that. it is, effectively, time travel. the main character is rash, selfish, sarcastic - not a very nice person; invested in their work and science and little else. they freeze themselves and wake up in the future. during their time in rehab they have to confront the horror theyve made of themselves, the horror people have made of the future, learn to be vulnerable. they end up falling in love with another scientist etc etc. theres so much more to this story and the world is enormous. one day ill revisit it

- a fictional play on orpheus in the underworld where a female main character’s brother was sold by their mother to the goddess of the underworld (helena instead of hades) for eternal youth. the gods all live in a hotel (the concept of this main thing is being used in elysian fields but its not remotely the same) after they were removed from the heavens. main character (ophelia) must gather several totems from the gods to prove her worth and survive her trip into the underworld to rescue him. id like to not focus on a woman finding romance, and instead a woman finding herself, her strength, her devotion to family, her power, and connecting with her history.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

this year id like to find balance, like i mentioned above, with my need for detail and my trust in my readers. the balance between detail and dialogue. i want to try to condense my writing again so not everything is a goddamn series. the ideas i have are huge and thats great but i need to remember how to parse things again, while still maintaining impact.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

i want more community, in general. as a multi fan, i see pockets in the kpop fandom where it exists and im well and truly aware that its recently become incredibly hard to foster on the exo side. ill just say that. maybe i dont witness it or its happening amongst blogs i havent found or have not found me. i want to see less dialogue about ‘popular blogs,’ whatever that means; less focus on notes; less worries about statistics. i want people to remember that fandom is not about numbers, and the moment you make it about that is the moment you stop having fun. i want less fear from writers regarding sharing work they read and liked, less shame around it. i want to see more vocal communication for the things people like and don’t like, more engagement and more interaction. the concept of popular blogs is so ridiculous to me, because no one has any control over the metrics. no one has control over who follows them or reads their work except the person doing the actual reading. i want people to realize they hold so much power - a person with 10k notes has as much power as a person with 2 notes because sharing is what fosters community. i want this fandom to remember to share again.

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

gosh i really love postmodernism in writing. think like mark z danielewski, who plays with the shapes of words or the act of holding a book - the physicality of it. id like to maybe write a choose your own adventure, or do something that encompasses multiple platforms. or even, more importantly, finish as still as sound and time runner. those are more reasonable goals. time runner actually is done, i just need to stop pressuring myself about it and edit it to get it up. asas, too, is largely done i just need to get my ass together. i have so many other ideas no one has ever seen i need to finish what ive started. thats a real goal.

tagging: @yehet-me-up @jamaisjoons @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @luffles424 @yoonia @shadowsremedy @chillingkoo @onherwings @inkedtae @ninibears-erigom @imdifferentshadesofpurple @readyplayerhobi @ditzymax @sugaurora @snackhobi @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @johobi and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if comfortable or you want to!

[nocancer]

Tryna by Cancer moon

Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.

Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.

Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.

Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.

9/27/17 wednesday

Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see? Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone. Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you. T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,  Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all. Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.

Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy. Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again. T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand. Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized? T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.   Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me. Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it. Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason. Yolandra: And do you know why exactly? T: Thats for me to decide. Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid. T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing. Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments. Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.   it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you. Yolandra: than what? T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am. Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you. T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking Y: you had to be there T: where? Y: in my memories. T: it matters that much to you? Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear,  then you'd know how much it means to me. Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.

9/30/17 saturday In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me. It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true. Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me, who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore. It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck. I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm. I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons. Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day. A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words. "Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.                                                                 if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters, I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be. All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.

Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream. The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that. Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew. I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher. Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back. Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world. out here  it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots,  thats the way it is.

We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out. These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here. Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm  hearing the voice my computer makes. It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else. I see things. Feel them. Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll ever be to Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause  is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway. In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like. So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank. Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment, an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand a chance against the power housed within my vessle. Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going". reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep. And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.

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Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude. She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.

Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right. "aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"

Her possession wakes up without a name. a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will. It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him.. Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these, that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice. A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency. “I need space. I only have but so much light of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says “Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”

I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored its catching myself being lazy to the voices. “She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.

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The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building. "Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance. She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day. "Where are you?" The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls. "Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning." A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon. "It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said. "Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think" "Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself." "No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said.     Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice." "Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said. Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said. Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness. "Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued. "I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now." "Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly. "Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?" "No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about." "Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself." They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other. "It's nice to be home." Erzulie said. Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power. "On the basis of love." Elegua said. The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean. Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them. Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born. "O Father, you are so brilliant." "Thank you, son. I am the Light" "Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?" "All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose. I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you." "I'm ready, Father." Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words. Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.) Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since. So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts, "I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?" Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did." "How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?" "If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some. I'm this close. Believe me." With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead. And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception. but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence. That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose. "I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."

____10/9/17 monday

My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass. Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St. I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory. Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings. as i step with my head down and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks, the reptiles answer emails. This is where I'm going. Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all as in any and all one. Which has become quite of a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap like they would     if I wasnt such      a masochist for being lonely. The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby. In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride.. I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be. The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension. I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work. I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure). he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now. This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know, , putting the pen to the pad, drawing  collumns in front of a Victorian fassad Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak. Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal. As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand. You better not be late.

___ On the parking deck

Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.

Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?

Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.

Miranda: “I used to.

T: What made it stop?

Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.

My heart was broken ”

T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”

Miranda: True

Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.

If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.

How’d you get out of that?

Miranda:

These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?

Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.

Miranda: [agreement] They do that.

Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.

M: And what’d she say?

Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-

Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”

Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!

Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.

My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.

(From a dream 10/23)

Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.

Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with                  yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.

?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.

Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better                     sweety?

?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what                          happens.

Shantel: Try me bitch.

[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]

Tyco: 30 deep huh?

Shantel: With them ratchets.

Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.

Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra

Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?

[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]

              Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin                 and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.

Shantel: haaah what okay

Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.

Shantel: She talk shit about you.

Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.

Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?

Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.

Neighborhood entrance.

Cars parked for miles.

House identified first glance.

Park.

Car doors..

Hip-Hop

Grass.

Walkway.

Steps.

Porch.

Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.

!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!

AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS

The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.

She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.

She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.

*GUN SHOT*

FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE

“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”

Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.

“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.

He points the glock at his head. Despair.

“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.

Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock                            purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.

“How much for a zip.”

“80, gas.”

“Was that yo bitch?”

“yea”

Kawaii: You lyin to me?

“No.”

“She eat your ass?”

“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.

K walks away.

T: they don't even sell Molly bruh

K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass. *Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.

Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?

Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers. Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.

*Moe: Waddup

Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.

Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*

Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.

Moe: Yo I'm down.

10/24/17 thursday

____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.

I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.

I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.

Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.

(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)

Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.

Tycho: Why didnt you leave?

T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.

C; Good cus it keeps changing.

T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.

C: Why do you say that?

T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.

Clarissa drifts off.

Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.

Tycho: Where were they?

“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”

Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.

     I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..  

H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.

“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.

“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”

“Did she ever show up to the party?”

“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.

“Like wasted orrr “

“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”

“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!

She wasn’t with a guy.

“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”

who nobody knows anyway

is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,

Wait, who’s hannah?

Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.

Ooooh, Okay, I see why now

-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.

> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.

This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch.  just to get her way goes beyond reputation.

Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.

> So what you tell her?

I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.

------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----

GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).

Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window

at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its

(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume  and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.

Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.

*Power turns back on*

“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section

Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him

*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*

“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”

“Three... No mercy”

“Two.. Shall be given unto those”

*gives code*

          “One.”

Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help. Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with.  The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too. So what if I'm imaginative? Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be. T: So what'd you first think of me? Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus. T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean" It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you. Then your fashion made sense to me. T:  I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy. You're not like the other people I've met. T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already. I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess? Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy.  Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think? Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place)  I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me. This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist.  The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto. --- 10/25/17 wednesday So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end. to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold ___ 11/2/17 thursday

I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load. I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?

755559888a

Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve. “So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said. “The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said. “Oh but they do.” “How do you know?” “Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.” “Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ”  Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen. “No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ” “ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see? “But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”

“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?”  Shelly bawled.  

The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into  And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her. “Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.

Summer Break 2018

As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.

Now I know.

Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me.  One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.

I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.

The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.

Save me. I’m on the other side now.

[riddlebot]

i’ve been playing a shit ton of da:i lately bc i missed my inquisitor so imma talk about him a bit idk

i decided on twitter that i was going to have him be a sort of mixture of all my favorite things about the previous inquisitors i made that i got rid of like 6 months ago so:

- he’ll get a fade related tattoo on whats left of his arm after solas takes it - he cuts his hair off when solas leaves, it grows back some by the time trespasser takes place (so he goes from the long hair w/ undercut to buzzed, and then it’ll be one of the shorter styles idk yet we’ll see when we get there) - he believes in both the maker and the dalish gods

somewhere in his tag like 9 months ago i made a post about his relationship w/ all the companions/advisors and i need to revisit the important ones so:

cassandra: they’re even closer than i expected them to be, her faith in him means so much and he really respects and loves her, she’s like an older sister to him? she’s very important to him, and whenever he doubts himself its her faith and belief in the inquisition and him that holds him up.

solas: they’re still gay sorry bioware you can’t stop me from romancing him in my head w/ a dude fuck you solas is bi FUCK YOU. anyways, i’:m edging closer to the end of the game every second so things between them are currently...stressed. mahvir loves solas, but he can tell something is.... off. and after their fight about mahvir’s choice to drink from the well of sorrows, its been strained. it hasnt happened yet but when solas leaves, its gonna... its gonna hurt mahvir really bad. god trespasser is going to be so depressing for him.

cole: i dont think i had them be as close as they are now originally, but mahvir often finds peace with cole. everything is so stressful and hectic and scary, but with cole he can sit on the castle walls and look at clouds and birds and just. ground himself in those moments. he also thinks cole is hilarious, and teaches him lots of jokes, and tells him a lot of stories. cole is a good learner, and listener.

sera: he and sera are thick as thieves of course. they did argue about what happened in the arbor wilds, but she relented and lets him have his beliefs, regardless of how nonsensical and stupid she thinks they are. they settled it, and it doesnt come up now. instead, the have target practice, and pull pranks to keep up morale (and because its fucking fun) mahvir worries about her, because she’s so much more visibly stressed/scared than anyone else, but he doesnt tell her that. 

blackwall: blackwall is still like, the most fatherly figure in mahvirs life. the whole thom rainer thing really shook him for awhile, but he forgives quickly. at least, more quickly than others. they dont talk about it, really. but mahvir often stops by the stables to see how blackwall is holding up, and just to enjoy his company. 

dorian: dorian and mahvir are very close. they are often exchanging books and having chess matches in the garden, or just... talking. mahvir gets into the habit of grabbing random recruits and asking them to take very important messages to dorian, which are actually just scribbles and jokes. dorian thinks its hilarious, and responds in kind. 

i havent gotten there with him yet but im just gonna talk about trespasser feels bc its all i can think about its like looming over me:

so when solas leaves after end game mahvir is gonna cry and be a huge baby because he’s soft and he’s young and thats his vhenan, why did he leave? he doesnt understand and pesters the advisors to expend resources to find him, but to no avail. he doesnt want to be found. 

after awhile, mahvir throws himself completely into inquisition business, it worries a lot of people, but he’s stopped openly weeping in the rotunda so its a start, maybe. they don’t know that most nights he dreads sleep, and stays awake crying or staring at the fireplace despondently. he only sleeps when exhaustion catches up with him. 

and after that.... he gets it together. things go back to normal, he goes back to normal, and before he knows it, its the Exalted Council. 

he and josie are doing so much, working so hard, trying their hardest to keep the inquisition alive, when shit hits the fan.

when he sees solas again, he has so many emotions rush over him at once he falls to his knees under the weight of it all in his chest. relief, love, heartache, sorrow. 

solas talks to him, and mahvir tries to make him see reason. solas takes the anchor, gently, and mahvir is beside himself with grief and confusion. 

he’ll keep the inquisition going, they’re strong and they’ll need to be, to find out how to stop solas.

[khiphop-discussions]

Geeks - Fireworks review

My review for Geeks’ 2nd full length album!

20 Questions - The instrumental on this one INSTANTLY made me dance. It’s so nice and fun but chill too. The chorus is so catchy. I can’t even really live review this one because I’m too busy dancing to type. LOL.  Louie and Lil Boi’s raps are on point as usual. It’s a nice song

Woo - I already heard this song and posted it here earlier today just putting that out there so you know this one isn’t live reviewed. This one is nice as well. Not as danceable but just a chill song. I’m guessing this is just gonna be an overall laid back album based on the first two songs. If you know me then you know that already gives this album an unfair advantage over others I reviewed. The chill vibe is one of my favorite styles. This is a nice song too. I like “20 Questions” more still though. 

Troubles Travels - This song is bit harder than the other two. Still keeps the laid back style though of course. This is rare but I like Louie’s rap better on this song. I see you Louie! The featuring artist (the singer) is Taylor. I’m not familiar with this singer but he fits well on this track. doesn’t “take up too much space” and make it sound like his song. He does his job well as a featuring artist and Geeks don’t let him outshine them on their own track (cause that’s embarrassing but happens a lot unfortunately).

#midnightdream #summer #rsh - Not quite sure what this is supposed to be. Maybe it’s an interlude type thing or something? It could have been done better. I don’t know if this is a sampled from SK or what. I’ve never heard it. It doesn’t connect the first part of the album to “Divin’” and the next part of the album all that well. Not sound wise at least. It doesn’t have Geeks on it. Just a guy singing. It could have been worse though. No harm no foul I guess.

Divin’ - You guys know this is my jam! I’ve heard this MULTIPLE times as you guys probably have too. It’s a great song. So again, DEFINITELY not live reviewed. I’ve heard it way to many times to even pretend like this is anything close to a first hearing. 

247365 ft Sik-K - *paused the song so I can give a preface* So first, I wanna talk about how Sik-K is in this song. Sik-K does a style similar to this album now so I think he’s gonna be a good addition to this. *unpaused* Lil Boi is going in! This is gonna be another song where I can’t stop dancing so excuse me if this is a bit short. OK so Sik-K’s part fit perfectly on this track! At one point I kinda thought he was gonna end up taking it over because he was really good. I thought he’d end up outclassing Louie but then Louie came in and killed it. (Why do I keep doubting my boy Louie? Please forgive me!). Sik-K doesn’t even sound like a featuring artist on this song. Usually that would be a sign that the main artists are getting outclassed and I’d call that a negative. On this track, it sounds as if Geeks is a trio. Geeks are really killing it. I honestly, did NOT expect to like this album that much. I’m NOT the biggest Geeks fan but by the end of this album I might be.

Good Girl ft Duplex G, Hyorin - Give me a break. Geeks pulling no punches on this album. Came through with a Hyorin feature too!?!? And you guessed it, this song is great too. Geeks is standing their own with some pretty strong artists on this album. Duplex G doesn’t really do much but say one line. “I wanna get it” basically. Doesn’t add that much to the song but it’s not bad.

Analog ft Cheska - *preface* Alright I’m a little  familiar with Cheska’s work. I expect her to be good on this track *unpaused* This album is so damn sexual. He’s a Big Boi now. They aren’t such Geeks anymore. The glow up is real (alright I’m done lol). I really like this song. It’s an R&B-ish track. 

F.U.L.U - Lil Boi is so on point. I don’t know why I’m so surprised because he’s always been dope. Not my favorite song but ,as usual, not bad. It’s a pretty nice song and would I would probably like it more if it hadn’t been among so many other good songs.

#LoveYou #fall #rsh - OK so this one is another interlude with the same guy singing as the #summer one. Guy has a nice voice. Can’t doubt that. I still think they should have done something different with these. Because they are really rock style but the rest of the album isn’t. So there’s a dissonance. Again, it could be worse. They aren’t terrible but could have been done differently and better. I see what they are doing though. 

#Wecanteventhink - This song is much more somber than anything else on the album so far. Definitely has a different feel as expected given the interlude to this part. Louie’s rap is so awesome. 

Troublemaker ft Stella Jang - This one is much less somber. Kinda goes back up to the style of the other songs. The instrumental is kinda weird. There’s some weird random, out of place drumbeats at certain places and it REALLY could have done without them. Without those beats it could have been a perfectly fine instrumental. I legit thought something was happening out side but it’s actually part of the instrumental. So there’s that. Otherwise this a perfectly fine song. Again, i’d probably appreciate it better if it wasn’t among so many other great tracks.

Back 2 U ft Channel 23 - Not much here. Just an alright song. Not all that remarkable. 

Ring Ring - I like this one. It’s catchy. Definitely not my favorite though. 

*preface to track 15* I’ve already heard this one as well. “Sometimes” is the song. Geeks already released it before this album but I haven’t heard it in a while and never listened to it more than probably twice. 

Sometimes ft Crush and Giriboy -  I didn’t like this song all that much when I first heard it. It was alright but wasn’t all that interesting to me so I kinda forgot about it. Crush’s voice sounds nice as expected. I actually kinda like this song? I wonder why it didn’t hit with me when I first heard it? Of course, it has an unfair advantage to other songs since this isn’t my first time hearing it. A lot for the time songs sound better to me upon further listens anyway so it’s not all that surprising. One problem I will say though, by the time Giri gets on I can’t even remember Geeks verses. So that’s a negative. Not bad though. Glad, I  got to revisit this one because I probably would have never listened to it again.

Fireworks - This song sound kinda out of place with the other songs on this part of the album. I think maybe having it somewhere else would have been better but then it kinda sounds out of place in general lol. Again, not a bad song but doesn’t stand up to other songs on the album. I think I’m just so spoiled by the other songs that the bar has been raised WAY to high. 

Overall, this is a GREAT album. I’m gonna have to cop this. I was NOT expecting to be this impressed by this album. IT’s GREAT. I think this is the BEST review I’ve EVER given to any LP or EP on here. Again, I WASN’T a big Geeks fan going in to this review. They’ve completely surprised me with this. I had no clue this was gonna be this good. I was waiting for since I was curious to see what they’d have to offer and they really brought it. As for my favorite song? I’m gonna exclude Divin’ because I’ve already been a fan of it for so long. Maybe I’ll revisit this again after I’ve really had time to take in all the songs and I won’t exclude Divin’ but for right now I am. I’ll say my favorite songs “20 Questions” and “247365″ with “Analog” and “Good Girl” as seconds. Great job Geeks! I’ll be looking forward to your next releases. Sorry for ever doubting you.

[balarsen22]

Therapy 5/2

We started off talking about the weekend, and how roller derby went. I had just found out that the rankings went from 207 to 130 because of how well we did, so I was pretty happy about that. I talked about how I was really feeling the pressure, that if I didn't play well Hurt would replace me and I’d be benched. I was trying to force myself to have fun. She asked about my mood over the weekend, and when I said ups and downs she asked if there were actually any ups (because usually I say that and then take it back and say more like flat and downs). There were one or two ups, but I did have a couple of bad downs too. I  admitted that I didn't make the calorie goal on Saturday night, and told her about the after party. She asked more about who was there who knows how much I struggle with that situation (megan, emily, and maybe shannon?), but I ended up leaving because I couldn't stop shaking and people from the team noticed. She got stuck for a little bit about me taking that much Xanax. She said that this week we’d let that I didn't hit my calories that night slide because I was completely stoned and overdosing on xanax. I commented that its no where near the dose I would need to overdose- I’ve calculated it, so I know. Apparently she was just joking about the overdose part... She asked more about how much I use xanax, which I try not to. I’ve had to use it more lately though. She told me I can't be taking that much, a She asked more about what goes through my head when I’m panicking, and I struggled to find the words to explain it. Eventually I came up with that if there was a thought bubble over my head, it would just be filled with exclamation points. I just really struggle with crowded and loud situations. She seemed to have a lightbulb go on in her brain, and asked me about if there was any tastes, or textures, or smells that set me off while she grabbed her laptop. It’s so hard for me to come up with a list of that stuff off the top of my head, but the smell of alcohol and the smell of cardboard set me off too, and being touched by people I don't know or if I’m not ready for it. Then she asked me a bunch of questions from whatever survey she had to confirm her idea, of which I ended up answering true to most of them. It included statements like “I am very sensitive to caffeine” and “other people’s mood affects me” and “I am easily startled” and “when I compete or am observed while performing a task I become so nervous that I do much worse than I would otherwise,” and a whole bunch of other statements I never really thought would be related. And then she told me I am a highly sensitive person. She seemed really excited to have figured it out. She explained that its when a person has hypersensitivity to external stimuli, a greater depth of cognitive processing, and high emotional reactivity. That there’s no treatment for it, but being aware of it can help. She disclosed that she has it as well- she struggles with textures, and bright lights, loud music or the windows down in the car, and similar things like that. As she talked, it all seemed to click for me. How much I have always struggled with noises especially, but also how I can get overwhelmed, and how other people’s mood affects me. She said it often gets overlooked as someone just being an introvert, as its rare that an extrovert has the trait (but she's one of the rarities). I started thinking back to TK, and how much everything affected me there- the dining hall, the fans, the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people who were upset or struggling. She said that it gets worse when we don't get enough sleep, so it makes sense that it gets worse when I’m sleep deprived. The sensitivity to caffeine being linked surprised me, but it fits. It also explains why I don't do well at bars or parties, and why the xanax didn't help. It can get mistaken for anxiety a lot of the time, or turn into anxiety, but its a different type of trigger. She asked why I even went to the bar in the first place, and I explained that I didn't want to miss out on things. I was frustrated with myself and wanted to make myself do it, and it was a team thing and I would've been the only one that didn't go. I had to at least try. She said she understood, but its probably best for me to avoid those situations. She was so pleased with herself to have figured it out. 

She changed the subject back to mood, and said that it was the beginning of May and we had said we were going to re-evaluate what I was going to do this summer at the beginning of May. She asked me to consider where I was and how I’m doing now. I’m still not doing great, but I’m not as bad as I was. She asked me to look at what was different- am I not going as low, is it longer in between, etc. I think I’m still going that low, but I’m not staying at the deepest part for as long as I had been. There’s also more time between the really low points. I also can't tell if thats because I’ve been numb a lot lately though. She asked what I was going to do, and I brought up that today was the one year anniversary of when I was admitted to TK, and that I have been thinking about residential a lot lately. I’ve concluded that I’m either going to get better or I’m not, but I’m not willing to drop everything again for something I don't believe can help. The only thing that would get me to go back would be if I end up in the hospital. She said that I almost did and I didn't go, but I argued that I would've gone if she had told me I had to instead of staying with Megan. I mean, I was in the flipping car on the way to the hospital when she called me back. She assumed that was what I meant, but I was more thinking that if I ended up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt I would go (I didn't tell her that though). She asked me what I would do if I was hospitalized at the end of summer. As much as I don’t want to, I would take a medical leave and the year off of school, if it came down to it. She seemed satisfied with my answers, and agreed to keep working with EMDR and neurofeedback and to see how I do. 

We changed subjects to eating disorder day. She said that she was going to assume that weighing was going to be 0 again, and I argued that I haven’t weighed in a month now and I should be able to. She said that she didn't want my eating disorder freaking out on me right before finals, so she was going to make the decision this week and keep it at 0, but we could revisit the idea next week. She asked me what I go up to, and I said how I’m not exercising as much this week because of taper before the half marathon on sunday, and that my hip and knee and shoulder are still super sore from this weekend, so I shouldn't have to really go up much. She argued that I’m still doing the same amount of exercise, but just squeezing it into one day, and that I need to eat to prep for the half marathon. Which I know I do, but not that much the entire week when I’m being lazy and resting. I commented on that it was so much food and that I feel like I’m just constantly eating all the time, and I’m eating when I’m not hungry, and she told me that if I ate foods with higher calorie content that I wouldn't have to eat so often. Doesn't she realize that those foods aren't safe? She joked that she imagines me eating like 3 apples a day and just constantly eating fruit. I also said that its painful a lot of the time- she asked if I meant emotionally, but I meant physically. My GI is all messed up. She commented that after years of restricting and abusing laxatives and diet pills, its bound to be a little messed up and it will take my body some time to rebound and get back to normal, but that she is sorry I’m in pain. She brought the conversation back to my goal number for the week, and when I couldn't decide she told me to just say the number on the count of 3. She really wanted me to do 1800, but I  decided on 1750. She called me a brat (while smiling about it though), but wrote it down. 

She asked me if I had re-tested Jake’s kidneys yet, which I havent, but I told her about how worried I had been when she stopped eating last night to go outside. Thankfully she was just full- apparently Megan (roommate) had left a bag on the ground for awhile when I was gone to surgery lab that had a loaf of bread in it, and Jake ate the loaf of bread. She failed to mention it to me until I asked if she had thought Jake seemed normal earlier. I was pretty pissed. Jessica talked about how her lab eats everything too. I learned a lot about her again today- she’s definitely been telling me more about herself lately than she used to. Its nice. We ran out of time, and I brought up that I was surprised she didn't ask me about the therapy homework- I had been stressing and worried about talking about it, and seriously considered cancelling knowing that we would be discussing it. I said she was going to have to end up reading it anyways, because she wasn't going to get me to say it out loud. She joked that now she really wanted to bring it up now that she knows how uncomfortable it makes me, and that she definitely would've made me read it. I retorted that she would've gotten the abbreviated version and not the actual journal entry. She asked if we should do it thursday or just next week, and I said that I’m all for putting it off another week. I left, but realized later that it will probably tie in to what we’re doing in EMDR on thursday, so it will probably come up then. joy.