#were so comfortable SCREAMING at me about my dietary choices

[akchually]

.

[peachfluffsoftstuff]

Lost and Found [1]

Content: Soft Vore, Half size, Unwilling Prey, Mischievous Pred, Lamia/Naga Pred, Fearplay, Safe Vore (Ambiguous At First)

Word Count: 3927

Fandom: N/A; Original Content

A/N: My first piece posted on this account!! If you enjoy, please drop a reblog or comment!! <3

- Bahi watched the small human warily trek through the forest, eyes trying to peer through the darkness of twilight. The poor thing didn’t have any sort of night vision or even a weapon, from the looks of it. He’d been watching the young adult travel in a jagged, uncertain path for the last hour, and it looked like he was well and truly lost. Vulnerable.

As such, it was best that Bahi get a grip on him before any of the… less friendly folk in the forest did. He waited silently for the human to get past his current hiding spot, and then quickly struck from behind, knocking him over with a yelp and encircling him with his thick snake half in the next instant. He waited patiently for the human to stop uselessly struggling before speaking.

“Well, hello there.” He said with a wry curve to his lips. “Not often I see a human around here!” 

 The human took in his size and appearance with a wide eyed expression, lips pressed together in fear. Bahi looked back with an amused sort of curiosity.

“And what’s a mouthful like you doing in this part of the woods?” He asked, tightening his coils’ grip on the human just slightly. He could feel his quick, hummingbird-light pulse and the slight, ineffectual jerks of the human’s body reacting to the snug hold Bahi had on it. 

“I lost my way. Didn’t mean to end up here.” The human’s voice was soft, and surprisingly steady, considering that Bahi had heard his breath audibly hitch at the word ‘mouthful’. A reasonable reaction, what with all the rumors about lamia dietary choices. 

“Oh man, you must be a pretty unlucky guy.” Bahi commented, leaning forwards on his thick snaketail till his face was only a few inches from the human’s. “You got a name, or am I going to call you ‘snack’?” 

The human shuddered, soft brown eyes locked on him. “... It’s Ran.” He answered after a moment. His hands clenched and unclenched lightly from where they were trapped against his sides. Bahi grinned, chuckling at how Ran’s face paled a bit at the sight of his teeth. 

“Well, Ran, thanks for getting lost in my corner of the woods.” Bahi propped his head up with one hand, casually. “I’ve been feeling hungry all day.” 

Ran’s body stiffened, eyes widening. He inhaled, but before he could utter even a syllable, Bahi surged forward and covered his mouth with one hand. “Hey now,” He whispered, as though telling a secret, “don’t start making noise or I’ll have to bite you.” He smiled sharply again. “That’s no fun for either of us, yeah? There’s stuff in this forest that would be a lot less kind with you than me. A morsel like you doesn’t want to attract their attention.”

Ran stared at him with pinprick pupils, and he withdrew slowly, holding a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture to emphasize the message. Sure enough, when he removed his hand, the human didn’t start screaming.

“I-It’d be much more kind of you to let me go.” He said shakily, almost as low as Bahi’s whisper. Bahi pretended to consider this. 

“It would be,” he conceded, “but I’m hungry, and you smell delicious, so it turns out I’m not that kind.”

With that, he shifted his coiled tail to orient the struggling human horizontally, picking at the laces on his boots until they came loose enough to be tugged off. “No way I’m eating those,” he commented errantly, and then nudged Ran up at an angle just slightly so he could make eye contact with him. 

“Thanks for the meal.” He said, smiling, and then opened his mouth, teeth folding back. He huffed a chuckle at the human’s panicked breathing, and caught both ankles in one hand, pinning them together to bring them into his mouth. 

“Gghghhaugh.” Ran said weakly as Bahi wrapped his tongue around his ankles. He would have laughed at the reaction if his mouth hadn’t been occupied with feet. Instead, he lifted his tail to hold the human above his head, almost completely vertical. Never hurt to let gravity help out. 

He loosened his coils, causing Ran to start sliding lower. His throat opened up easily to accept the human’s twitching feet, and he swallowed thickly, a pleased purr starting up in his chest. Ran whimpered, and Bahi ignored it completely in favor of running his tongue along the calves in his mouth. 

“There’s gotta be something I could do for you so you’d let me go. Please, I’ve got money, I can hunt, I’ll do anything, please-” He twisted in his hold, chest swelling with panicked breaths.

Bahi huffed a laugh again, and made it clear exactly what he wanted from him by tilting his head back and swallowing, pulling more of Ran’s legs into his mouth. The fabric of his clothes didn’t taste nearly as good as his skin, he noted. Still interesting flavors, though.

As soon as he reached Ran’s navel, he unwrapped his tail from around the rest of his frame. Unsurprisingly, Ran immediately tried to go for his eyes, presumably to claw them out. Bahi caught his hands easily with his own, and then coiled the end of his tail around Ran’s small wrists, locking them together and then pulling them up above his head and out of the way.

Ran swore, writhing and straining to pull himself out, but his struggles only made him sink deeper into Bahi’s throat. His purring intensified as he swallowed again, eyes narrowed with enjoyment. Even so, his meal’s rapid, fearful bargaining was growing louder, and the last thing he wanted was to be interrupted. He reached up with one hand and ruffled Ran’s dark hair teasingly before pushing downwards, shoving him further into his mouth and swallowing several times. 

Bahi paused. At this point, the only part of Ran not entrenched in the lamia was his arms. Almost all of the human’s body was tucked into his throat and first stomach, his wriggling a delightful sensation on Bahi’s insides. Taking his time, he curled his tongue around Ran’s arms and swallowed lightly, dragging more of him into his esophagus. 

He looked cross eyed past his nose to the grasping hands sticking out of his mouth, and tilted his head back again, relishing the feeling as Ran slid down deeper, first stomach already starting to stretch with its new occupant. Lips twitching up in a satisfied smile, Bahi poked Ran’s fingers into his mouth one by one, and swallowed a final time. 

Soon enough, the only sign that the human had ever been there was the writhing imprint sliding down his throat. Bahi pressed his fingers against the movement and sighed as the last of the weight dropped into his stomach, wrapping his coils around himself and leaning back against them. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” He cooed, and got a bout of violent thrashing and indistinct panicking from Ran in response. 

“Come on, you’re not even being digested. I couldn’t digest you in that stomach if I wanted to.” Bahi pressed down on his exposed abdomen, chuckling when Ran shifted around trying to get away from his touch. After a few moments of silence as Ran absorbed that statement, he spoke. “You couldn’t?”

Bahi grinned. “Nope. I like to make my meals last as long as possible, after all.”

Ran was shaking inside of him. “You… You’re a monster.”

The lamia rolled his eyes, amused. Humans were so easy to mislead. “Yup. Thought you’d figured that out when I caught you in my giant snake coils? A little slow on the uptake there, kid.” He punctuated this by stretching out and relaxing, another rumbling purr starting up at the sensation of being pleasantly full. 

“Why would you even do something like this?” Ran spat, shuddering at Bahi’s movement. “Why not just kill me?” The implied ‘it’d be better than this’ went unsaid.

“Man, you’re kind of boring, huh?” Bahi continued over Ran’s indignant sound. “I did it for fun. And because I was hungry, obviously.” 

“Fun?! Eating people alive is fun to you?” Ran spat, twisting around as much as the small space would let him. Bahi’s eyelids drooped at the sensation, his pleased purr increasing in volume, much to the human’s ire. 

“Very.” He murmured, on the edge of deciding to head home and settle down for a nap. 

Before he could curl up properly, a sound caught his attention. It was faint, barely discernible to even his advanced hearing, but… It sounded like someone calling. Bahi stretched out leisurely, ignoring the discomfited movements from Ran, and then headed that way, long ears twitching to try and pick up the noise better. 

He didn’t have to go far before he could understand the words. Someone was yelling Ran’s name in long, echoing calls. He grinned in amusement. “Oh, so you didn’t come here alone?” 

“What?” The human evidently hadn’t heard his would-be rescuer yet. “What are you talking about?”

Bahi didn’t bother answering, instead moving faster towards the source of the noise. He knew Ran had heard it too when the human suddenly started struggling with a renewed vitality. 

“Stop! Don’t go near him!” Ran demanded, with a surprising amount of ferocity for someone who was in no position to make demands. Bahi kneaded his hands into his stomach in retribution and kept moving, eventually reaching the source of the voice. 

It was another human, this one taller with downturned hazel eyes and worry lines creased into his face. He was following the dirt path, but peering through the trees in search, presumably of his missing friend. Bahi flicked his tongue out, scenting the air. It seemed as though this one would be just as tasty as Ran. Maybe even as amusing. 

He moved further ahead along the path, finding a tree with a comfortable fork to rest his coils on. Before long, the new human came into view, and froze at the sight of the huge lamia draped in front of him, looking ready to bolt. Bahi offered him a sly grin, and then directed his words at the human curled up in his gut. 

“Looks like your friend is here.” 

Ran thrashed, alarmed, and the other human ran forwards a few jerky steps, eyes wide with horror. “Ran?” He yelled, eyes locked on the human-sized lump in Bahi’s stomach. 

“Glin?” Ran shouted back, hands pressing desperately against Bahi’s stomach lining. “Glin, run away! Get out of here!”

The newly-named Glin hesitated, looking between Ran’s trapped form and Bahi’s lax expression. He stepped forwards again, to Bahi’s amusement. Humans had no sense of self preservation. It was hilarious. 

“You… ate him?” Glin said, unsteadily. Bahi nodded a bit smugly, lowering himself to the ground and slowly making his way over to circle the human. Glin tensed, turning to keep him in view. 

“Could you… let him go? Please?” Glin said, backing up a step as Bahi came closer.

“It depends… I could be persuaded.” Bahi answered, tone light with humor as he felt Ran still inside of him. He flicked his tongue out again, picking up the delightful taste of a very nervous Glin from a foot away. “But I am so hungry… Perhaps I could release him for someone more likely to fill me up fully.” 

Glin’s head jerked up, understanding immediately what Bahi’s intent gaze meant. He looked at Bahi’s body, where Ran was now kicking up a fit that made the end of Bahi’s tail curl in pleasure, desperately trying to convince Glin to get away and leave him there. He swallowed visibly, and then met Bahi’s eyes, gaze determined and terrified in equal measure. 

“Let him go. I’ll take his place.”

Bahi smiled a very unreassuring smile. “How generous of you.”  

Ran was thrashing about still, making him one of the most energetic occupants Bahi’s stomach had ever had. He easily stopped the panicked movements and flailing limbs by tensing his core, his stomach muscles compacting Ran into an easy-to-regurgitate ball. It was never pleasant, forcing a human back up out of his gut, but it wasn’t particularly difficult either. In no time at all, the last of Ran’s wriggling form dropped out of his mouth, landing on the ground covered in saliva and stomach fluids.  

“Ran!” Glin quickly jumped forwards to help his friend, pulling him up and hugging him tightly. “I thought you were dead-”

“What are you thinking, you idiot?” Ran hissed back, struggling to his feet. “I don’t want you sacrificing yourself for me! I-”

“Whoops!” Bahi picked Ran up by the collar, prying him away from Glin and hoisting him into the air like a disobedient puppy. “Don’t go running off before your time!” He dropped Ran into his coiled tail, wrapping it tightly around him like a woven basket to muffle his protests.

Glin looked near tears, stress evident in his body language. “You said you’d let him go.”

“I did! And I will, once you’ve fulfilled your end of the bargain. I wouldn’t want you both trying to escape and betraying the deal. Then I’d be free to break my end of the deal.” Bahi leaned in, reaching out to run his clawed fingertips along Glin’s cheek. “I’m sure I could make room to fit you both, if I really tried. You wouldn’t want that.”

Glin nodded jerkily. “R… Right.”    

“Good.” Bahi smiled, and then pulled one of Glin’s hands to his mouth, wrapping his tongue around his wrist to taste him properly. Glin was tense but unmoving, and Bahi was delighted to find that he tasted just as good if not better than Ran. The stiffness wasn’t ideal though… Normally, he had no problem getting his unwilling prey to struggle all the way down, but Glin might interpret that as breaking their deal, which was no good. 

“I’ll give you a chance, since you bargained for your friend so valiantly. If you can get free of me now, I’ll let you both go.” Bahi offered. As the proposal registered in Glin’s mind, he brought both of the human’s wrists to his mouth and swallowed, eager to begin. 

Glin jerked back, but found that once something was stuck in Bahi’s throat, odds were you weren’t going to be able to just yank it back out. Instead, he kicked out at Bahi’s abdomen, making him grunt slightly. A valiant effort, but one doomed to fail.

Bahi met Glin’s gaze with amused eyes, and then let his jaw open further and shoved his head in, swallowing again so that Glin’s arms were fully caught in his throat and his head only inches from following suit. Glin writhed with the fervour of an animal caught in a trap, and Bahi reached down and picked the human up by the sides, tilting his head back as to ease the process. He had to be careful now if he didn’t want Glin to suffocate, which would be no fun.

He swallowed, easily accommodating the human’s upper half, and paused to savor the taste. Glin kicked desperately, wriggling with his whole body, and Bahi began to purr with satisfaction. Frenzied movement in his coils reminded him of his other catch, and he loosened them enough that Ran could see as Bahi angled his head back further, letting Glin’s thrashing legs slide further into his mouth easily. 

As expected, Ran nearly howled in protest and began to attack the coils holding him with renewed energy. Bahi struggled not to laugh, instead wrapping his tongue around twitching ankles and swallowing a few times to get the last of Glin down, exhaling with pleasure as his meal slid into his stomach completely, still thrashing. 

For a moment, he simply basked in the sensation of being full, eyes half closed as his whole body vibrated with the force of his purring. After a moment, Glin stopped struggling, probably having accepted that escape was futile, and Bahi forced himself not to take a nap when there was a very angry human still wrapped in his snake half. He tightened his coils, forcing Ran to quit trying to fight, and lifted the human up in the air. 

“Oh, quit it. You were the one trying to get out a while ago, so be grateful. Your friend made a brave choice for you, after all.” 

Ran had gone limp, staring at Bahi’s slightly distended stomach. Bahi glanced down as well, and realized that while he could feel every shuddering breath Glin took in his stomach, from the outside it looked as though his prey wasn’t moving at all. 

“Oh, he’s fine.” Bahi sighed, rearranging himself so that he could settle down on his coils properly, and then shoved Ran against his abdomen, causing Glin to jerk in surprise. Ran almost flinched away, and then seemed to dismiss the fact that he was pressed up against a lamia’s full stomach, and sought out Glin’s shape instead. “Glin! Glin, are you okay?”

Glin twisted, able to hear Ran’s voice even through flesh. “Ran! Why are you still here? Go! Please, just run! Go home!”

Ran stared, almost uncomprehending of the choice he was supposed to be making. “I can’t… I…” He looked up at Bahi, eyes glassy. “Please, I can’t leave him… I’ll do whatever you want, anything, I’ll feed myself to you, just please let him go. He only came here because I got lost, it’s my fault and he shouldn’t have to suffer for it. Please, I’m begging you.” 

Bahi had been nearly asleep, enjoying the blissful sensation of having two humans pressed up against the inside and outside of his stomach walls, and sighed as he was dragged back to dealing with the situation. Panic and anger were amusing, but tears like this simply soured the sweet taste in his mouth. He supposed he should have expected it, preying on the bonds between two close friends like this. “I can’t sit here in this forest all day making deals and re-eating the both of you.” He grumbled. 

Well. That actually sounded appealing on some level, but he wanted to nap already. 

He leaned forwards lazily and dragged his tongue along Ran’s face, reminding himself of the taste. Ran’s whole body twitched but the little human forced himself not to jerk away, even as Glin pleaded with him to run. Bahi sighed, as though put upon. “A nap.” 

Ran blinked, slowly. “What?”

“I want a nap, and then I’ll let your friend go.” 

“Won’t… won’t he die? Please-”

Bahi rolled his eyes. “Didn’t I tell you I can’t digest anything in that stomach? He won’t die. I’d have to hibernate for days for him to run out of air in there.” 

Ran seemed to consider this, watching Bahi’s face as though gauging his honesty, and then nodded, slowly. “Okay… I’ll wait for you to finish napping.” 

“Good.” Bahi stretched, excited at the prospect of sleeping, and reached over for Ran. “C’mere.” 

He lifted the human up again, watching as he twisted uncomfortably in midair. “Wh-what are you doing?” 

“Did you think I was just going to leave you out here so you could run off and bring back a hunting party? I’ve got just enough room to squeeze you in there.” 

Ran seemed to freeze, and Glin spoke up. “You said you’d let him go! We made a deal!” 

Bahi sighed again, setting Ran down on the ground proper. “There. I let him go.” Ran stayed still, like a rabbit trying to figure out its next move. “Last chance to run away.” Bahi told him, nudging his shoulder with his tail. Ran stumbled a step, looked to Glin, and then the forest path. He looked at Bahi. “I’m not leaving Glin.” 

Glin tried to protest, but Bahi easily ignored him to instead lift Ran back off the ground. “Great, then it’s settled. Don’t move too much and this will go quicker.” He said, and then opened his mouth wide. Ran looked down into Bahi’s maw and let himself go lax. “Okay.” He said weakly.

True to his word, he didn’t thrash around as Bahi lowered him into his mouth for the second time. It went much faster this time around, as Ran didn’t struggle and Bahi didn’t take quite as long savoring the sensation. He swallowed quickly, dragging him down into his throat with impressive speed, and patted Ran’s head before finishing up, once again tracing the human’s descent to his stomach. 

It was a somewhat tight fit, shoving two humans into his first stomach, but the slight discomfort was dwarfed entirely by the pleasure radiating through his body as the two struggled to adjust, moving around and speaking to each other in low whispers. 

He moaned slightly, tempted to just sleep right there on the forest floor, but there was always the chance that something bigger could come along and swallow him up, and then he wouldn’t be able to fulfill his part of the deal. So, he set off for home, travelling slowly along the ground. His passengers struggled to rebalance themselves.

“Where are you going?” Ran asked, alarm creeping into his voice. He shifted nervously, making Bahi’s purr rise in volume for a moment.

“Home.” Bahi said, a bit blearily. “Safer to sleep there.”     

“Where is that? This wasn’t the deal.”

Bahi yawned. “Relax. ‘S not far, and we won’t get snapped up by anything big if we’re there.”

“Bigger than you?” Ran radiated disbelief. 

“Big enough to gulp me down in two mouthfuls.” Bahi winded through the trees, amused by the shocked silence that followed. “This forest is full of dangerous folk.” 

“Then… why do you live here?”

Bahi hummed in false consideration. “Because of all the tasty humans that get lost in the woods.” He retorted, teasingly. 

Glin stiffened, but Ran just halfheartedly kicked at his stomach wall. “You enjoy toying with us, don’t you?” 

“Ah, so you caught on.” Bahi purred, ducking underneath a branch. “Humans are too funny not to mess with. Especially when hunters come out trying to skin me, of all things. Hilarious.” 

“Did you… eat them, too?” Glin asked, tentatively.

“I eat most humans that come my way. I’ve got to eat to live, after all. And humans are the most filling thing out there,” he said blithely, aware they’d misinterpret his words but not satisfied enough to give the game up just yet.

There was silence from the two for a while, probably thinking about how they were in the same stomach that had contained plenty of humans before them. Bahi sighed in relief as he finally reached his little cove, clearly marked with his scent and difficult to stumble into on accident. 

Ran finally spoke up again. “If you hadn’t heard Glin, would you have digested me?” 

“Hm?” Bahi settled under his favorite rock outcropping, finally getting to settle down properly. “Why would I digest you? Much nicer to let you squirm around in there.” He coiled around the humans in his stomach, eyelids fluttering as the sensation of being full began to lull him to sleep. 

“I mean once you got bored of me. Or were you going to leave me in there until I suffocated? Are you really going to just let us leave tomorrow?” Ran shoved out, only increasing the volume of Bahi’s sleepy purring. 

“Too many questions… Talk in mornin’. Tired.” Bahi mumbled. Ran said something in response, but it was indistinct to his ears, and in moments he was asleep.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

[michaelmyersmalewife]

DYAD | v. parasite | MASTERLIST

venom symbiote x reader

words: 1k+

warning(s): emetophobia (brief, towards the end); graphic gore

you can also support this fic on wattpad & ao3

That day, you woke up with a gut-wrenching stomach ache.

You were drenched in a cold sweat, shaking and unable to focus on the smallest of things. If it weren't for the sound of Venom's voice snapping you back into reality, you weren't sure if you could have hoped to pull yourself back into lucidity all on your own. Your teeth clenched, eyes screwed shut as a jolt of dull pain struck your abdomen like a hammer as you tried to sit upright.

"Wh-What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck -" a mantra of hoarse whispers spilled from your lips as you lifted the thin white scrub shirt, exposing your bare stomach and the deep, flowering bruises that sprouted across your skin.

I could fix you, Venom's voice, terribly strained, reverberated down your spine.

"Then why don't you?" you groaned, trying adjust your position to something more comfortable but ultimately finding none.

Hungry

You ran your hands down your face. "Yeah, I'm aware of that but whatever they feed us you just spit back out like a toddler so I don't think -"

Wrong

"I'm wrong? Were you even listening to a word I said?"

Wrong food

"That's very descriptive, thank you."

Phenethylamine

"....You're gonna have to repeat that one, pal."

Venom sighed. A chemical. It's what sustains us. And you do not produce a sufficient amount

"And that meeeeaans..?"

Hungry

You pounded your head against the wall you leaned against. "Any idea where we could find some? I'm pretty sure these guys won't mind some constructive criticism in terms of their uh..dietary choices."

It is produced in the cerebral cortex of complex organisms, such as yourself

"So like......you eat brains?"

If you want to put it simply

"Oh my god are you gonna eat my- "

No

".......Okay, good."

You sat in silence for a long time, staring at the ceiling of your cell contemplating the implications of Venom's words. And what it meant for you. You couldn't tell how much time had passed, but your mind raced with too many thoughts for you to get any form of respite. You exhaled.

"Is that why I have -" you limply gestured to the angry-looking bruises along your middle. "These? Because you're, um, hungry?"

Venom said nothing for a few minutes. You almost thought they were ignoring you if you hadn't been able to feel them thinking of what to say. Something about that made you nervous.

I am sorry

"..For what?"

The bruises. They are my fault, I cannot help it

"How are they your fault? I thought you said - wait. Am I okay? Are..we okay?"

Venom didn't respond after that. It didn't do much to soothe your anxiety, it felt more like a sinking guilt that weighed heavy on your shoulders. Not wanting to move any further, you slumped flat on your bed and closed your eyes, pinching the bridge of your nose.

"Listen..I can't help you fix this if you don't tell me how."

Venom's presence stirred. You could feel their apprehension, a touch of fear. It unnerved you to the point where you could feel your skin buzzing with tension. You shifted, propping yourself up on your elbows.

"Venom?"

Hm

"How can I help you?"

You felt a prickling, ticklish chill run down the base of your neck and down your spine. You realized it was the sound of Venom laughing.

~~

The sound of sliding metal and glass woke you from your shallow nap. It must've been 12:00 pm already. With Venom's help, you quickly shuffled to the door, fingers hungrily accepting the tray of food. Out of the corner of your eye you saw the look of disgust that washed over the worker's face as you dug into bland scraps as though you were a starved animal. As you scowled at him, he walked away, shaking his head.

Almost as soon as you started, you stopped, already feeling a wave of nausea wash over you. Your hands shook, and while you were trying to brace yourself for what was undoubtedly coming next, your legs gave out from under you.

The last thing you heard before your stomach emptied itself was Venom muttering 'sorry' in the back of your head.

As expected, you heard the man outside your cell run towards you. You heaved the last of what little you managed to eat, your body trembling as you struggled not to crumple to the floor. The tears at the edge of your eyes threatened to spill over but you refused to let them fall, blinking them away. You wiped your mouth, your breathing sharp and heavy.

Turn around

You heard the man punch in the code to your cell. Your head turned to the side, but not of its own accord.

Be ready

It happened within a matter of seconds.

The man took a hold of your arm, roughly pulling you to your feet. You hissed, feeling your already strained bruises throb with the sudden movement.

"Can't go one day without making a mess, can't 'ya?"

Do you trust me?

Do it, you thought.

Your face was wrenched in a snarl, teeth bared. Your hand gripped the man's, nails digging into his shirt right through his skin. With a pull, you brought him to the floor. The strength that possessed you in that moment was intoxicating, freeing. You brought him to your eye level where you sat crouched on the floor, hands clenched around his shirt collar. He was screaming something incomprehensible.

"Real sorry about this."

In that instant you felt something slink over your face, gliding past hair and flesh and encasing it in something so viscous it could've been oil. It was cold and warm and for a moment you thought you couldn't be able to breathe until the substance itself poured into your mouth. It fit so perfectly, filled the spaces around and between your eyes and nostrils and teeth like the air around you. It stopped just below your chin, and with your new eyes and mouth you grinned. The man in your grasp screamed even louder, this time trying to pound at your body with all the strength he possessed. But you were stronger.

Two tendrils shot out from your back, restraining his wrists without even lifting a finger. The tendrils obeyed the will of what could've only been Venom as they wrenched the man's arms behind his body with a sickening snap. This time, he was beginning to cry.

You weren't able to hear his last words before your mouth stretched beyond its limits, the bones of your jaw rearranging itself in order to fit the array of knife-sharp teeth that now adorned your maw. Strings of drool dripped from your teeth onto the man's face and what felt like a thick, prehensile tongue wrapped itself around his head, pulling your teeth down with it. As soon as you felt your mouth scrape against his flesh, popping through the thin layer of skin that separated your ravenous body from the prize within, you sighed in content.

His screams - however brief - were muffled, their vibrations hitting the back of your throat. You closed your jaws with a loud snap, and just like that you released the man's body. The sound of it hitting the floor of your cell was drowned out by your chewing, gnawing through skin, bone, and blood vessels. It took you seconds to puncture the skull, finally finally tasting the sweet gray matter on your tongue. You swallowed it with a loud gulp, licking your teeth and saliva as the phenethylamine pumped through your system.

You hadn't felt this good in years.

Before you could revel in the feeling for long, you could feel your second face - Venom's face - retreat back into your body. You were in a daze, incapable of truly comprehending just what you had done. You were shaking, but you slowly felt your strength returning. Your head whipped around to see that the door to your cell had remained open. You felt your legs pick themselves off the ground, clumsily making you run towards the exit.

"Wh - Wait, fuck- "

You stumbled out into the hallway. You were out of your cell. You were out of your cell.

Before you had the chance to celebrate, the blaring sound of an alarm rang overhead. Your ears rang from its intensity, teeth gritting as you tried to tune it out. Already you heard the quickening pace of heavy footsteps approaching you.

"Shit what now!?" you whispered hoarsely.

Run

[psychedelictrashpanda]

It’s been awhile, weird old blog with unspecified direction. How about more of me me me?

I finally did DMT again, and WOW. It’s been at least a full decade since the last time. I still didn’t quite “break through” enough to “meet the entities” again but mein GOTT was it healing. Speaking of God, we’ll get to that soon... But before smoking the dimitri, I was beginning to sustain a mania in slow motion with dissociatives again. Not to any extreme like I did with PCP long ago (btw, glancing at my Eyehategod poster, I realize that horror/metal fest when I was blasted on PCP the entire time was all the way back in 2013! It seems to much more recent, but the way these drugs interact with memory is very peculiar. or maybe it was the traumatizing effect of it and other things at the time that makes me block out and thus distort the time signature of the memory... I digress). And I don’t have the destructive tendencies I did in the past anyway, so I’ve never been apt to push it as far as I was when I was shooting up 3-meo-pcp and blacking out for days at a time. I mean, I did push it I suppose. For the main George Floyd protests I was loading up on a combination of things. Can’t even remember if that was my sober window between methadone detox and the suboxone I’m on now. But, I was combining bits of weird PCP offshoots with opiate offshoots (4-map iirc) and/or kratom with maybe a drop of benzo... straddling the line between going overboard and a “party dose” for lack of a better descriptor; between recreation and desperation. In retrospect, I was summoning the courage to act like my old self used to in these sorts of situations. That is, giving it my all, being novel about it, idk, summoning the spirit of Dr Gonzo I suppose (who, after reading his two books, was more slimey of a jerk than he’s presented in Hunter’s stories. well, I need to finish the Cockroach People book, he started getting into his attraction to underage girls as a young 20-something man himself and ugh, gross). My true wild & adventurous spirit has been hampered, weighed down with anxiety and depression and all manner of undiagnosed mental illness. Who knows if it’s more the drugs or the environmental factors that trigger drug use, but the spirit is tortured like Griffith in the torture dungeon, the heart is wrapped in a black grime guarded by the Beast of Darkness, the will is subordinated to authoritarian capitalist hegemony...

Where was I? Oh so I started suboxone for the second time in my life innnn... February I want to say. Last time I did it I was able to detox myself simply buying subs off the street, but I did it too quick. That’s been one problem, every time I detox rapidly it’s too harsh a push back into reality and I succumb to relapse less then a year into sobriety. The reason reality is harsh is the same reason my stance on anti depressants has been further cemented. I’ve articulated it better lately... Basically I believe it’s a weird solution to depression to force your chemical makeup into the right position to function properly in the same environment that caused it in the first place. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” One of my conversations with a young college friend really illuminated why many don’t even consider this position. She was insistent there’s no cause of depression, you’re just born with a fucked up mind. Now sure, hereditary disposition is a thing, as a drug addicted child of an addict I should know. But for example she pointed to another friend with hard depression and was like “his life seems fine what explanation could there be?” But I put forth maybe his childhood of having to closet his homosexuality in a hard conservative family that had the possibility of disowning him if they knew about it contributed to that “natural chemical imbalance,” as it’s implied. YES, some people NEED it. But for the most part, it really seems to me to be what I’m gonna call the thyroid phenomenon. That is to say, a medical explanation for a small fraction of severely affected patients is used as a broad brush by the public to diagnose themselves. Forewarning: I am not fat shaming here, forgive the example. Dietary practices are a personal thing so my feelings are stronger as well. Anyway, it seems to me as soon as this thyroid malfunction became a hard biological explanation for obesity beyond the psychological, suddenly everyone was a candidate. It’s fine to think “maybe I have it” but when a growing and significant portion of the obese crowd started screaming they all had thyroid problems and can’t help themselves, when a teensy percentage actually do... well it sort of touches on the “addiction as a disease” narrative that’s never sat well with me. Addicts use the disease reasoning to skirt personal responsibility. I'm not denying it is a disease, but I believe calling it as such in the public discourse isn’t terribly constructive. (Okay, you’re seeing an opinion change in real time here... I changed my mind.) I was vehemently against the narrative, but I need to readjust to simply make people WARY of the narrative. As an addict, I could easily see myself using the excuse of it being a disease as a fatalist function; that is to say giving in, relinquishing personal control over my fate. Hereditary disposition, Rat Park, addiction as a disease... there’s also a severe lack of control it all conjures. Paradoxically, drugs can used to meticulously control your state of mind. I can’t control my desire to control myself?

God where was I going with this... Oh! God! May as well mention I’ve been warming up more and more to the spirit of monotheism beyond it’s structural and institutional dimensions. I could get deep into my recent past of not believing in the idea of a spirit, soul, etc. How the pendulum of my ideology swings between cold rationalism and loose spirituality, especially as I go through phases of rebellion against perceived oppressors. Growing up in a red state with a lot of Christian ideals, society around me was always telling me everything I seemed to like was the work of Satan. Naturally, I started reading into Satanism. I never self identified with occult-esque belief structures, except maybe chaos magick because it’s whole idea is to merge whatever practices work into something of your own, but I did staunchly identify as anti christian. Not a hard thing to do when you’re already a metal head, which definitely fueled the trajectory. Not to mention metal helped goad me into DXM use (thanks Velvet Cacoon ya bunch of goons), the first real psychedelic journeys I had. Because I never gave real consideration to myself having depression, I moulded my personal ideology around the symptoms it causes. Which is why for awhile after coming to terms with depression as a problem I probably have, I was only able to identify it in retrospect. I never felt it in real time because it was so old-coat to me, I adapted to it like an addict adapts to their drug of choice and ti becomes their world. So I would decide to skip social events, let my room get messy, watch only old comfort shows, etc... but only AFTER emerging from that state was I able to immediately look back and think “wait... I was doing all those things because I was depressed.” In the moment, it’s rationalized as “I don’t want to see these people for these reasons” or “I want to watch spongebob because it’s fun and an old favorite.” Rationalization, the concept of the west, serves as a detriment to the individual in a number of manners. This is one. I was a MASTER at rationalizing away my drug use. Statistically, more people die from this this and that, why be worried that I’m on this drug instead? Statistics quelled the perceived danger. It was also a formative tool in my skills of justification. I always felt I had to justify every action I took, but that’s getting back into family matters...

But why not bring that up? it’s a sore spot. I feel like the tables have flipped from my dad always saying “you all just think I’m an asshole!” to me thinking I’m the asshole. It’s too much to get into but I’ll touch on a couple important things... I’ve learned a major source of my anxiety is not being able to draw the boundaries between business and family and myself, because they’re not properly defined. When I’m told by my bossfather after explaining the distress I feel simply thinking about the family company, and he goes typically all-or-nothing when I touch on crucial issue and says “if you want out just tell me you want out”, I can’t separate between whether he’s saying it as a father or as a boss in the moment. He would say, “of course I just mean the company”, but where does company end and family begin? It’s also an intense pressure, maybe shame, simply typing this and thinking in the back of my head about someone who might read and think “what a spoiled brat, has a family company and blah blah.” But who put all that in my head? He says he’s changed from the days of putting immense pressure on me with the sort of sentiments that cause that shit in my head like always telling me how great I have it and all the opportunities, shit, I’m feeling it right now, the frustration and I can’t even identify these emotions. At least I am aware of them, that’s a huge milestone for me. But the only thing that’s changed is he sees me as a the broken mother fucker I am and treats me as such. Sometimes it’s nice, and sincere sympathy, other times his frustration with having to check his language all the time is palpable so it does no good to do so. The immense pressure, the intense urgency, the confusing complexity, all those market pressures haven’t changed. This is evident when we were driving somewhere and I suggested not worrying about the fastest route on the map because one minute isn’t a big deal and he insisted that one minute IS a big deal. Sweating one fucking minute indicates a mountain of reputational pressure. In a way, that one minute is putting business ahead of family, but I feel harsh saying it because as he’s pounded into my head the business is what allows the family to survive. Not to mention why put the crack head of the family above that one minute (not literal crack, but it was obvious as soon as he saw I was “fucking around” on ketamine he decided to not take me as seriously) Still, I’ve made my decision that survival reasoning is fucking bullshit already. He’s the one that wants a mansion and wants enough mailbox money for us not to have to worry ever again, so he’s the one deliberately creating the pressure. Maybe he hasn’t considered how hardened he’s become to those feelings after a lifetime in the street and in prison. I really feel for mom. She’s okay now, but her spirit... It’s part of the reason I can’t relax myself at home. He has always painted her as dead weight in the past, never getting a job, sitting watching TV, but he’s unable to connect the dots psychologically because we’re all layman that part of the reason she’s like that is because her actions have been demonized already so who the fuck she got to prove herself to? Same reason I fell into relapse sometimes. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t sort of deal. The damned if I don’t being the reputation of yourself you have to live with after getting sober. He says “don’t worry about it” but I couldn’t accept that because the reason he doesn’t trust me (never mind respect, that’s even further away) is informed by my past. I can’t complain that he never allowed me to contribute to a crucial decision like choosing the building for the dispensary, talking about whether we want a certain investor or not, etc, is because that’s not something to entrust to a druggie. I’ve always felt he let me play make-believe CEO and gave me an allowance for it, while telling me otherwise. He’d say “this is all for you” but he’s making the decisions that truly move mountains and then putting it on us. Which is why I have a hard time saying “I want out”, he can be a baby about things just as much as I am, and I fear he’d let his entrepreneurial drive be affected by my departure. Sigh, this is already getting to be a headache to think about... He’s tired. I’m tired.

There was also something I wanted to say regarding the role social constructs play in all this, but it’s getting long enough already. Suffice to say I’ve been getting into psychoanalysis lately and it’s scratching the right itch for knowledge and wisdom. I can see why Zizek is enamored with Lacan, and why it’s so important to mix it with Marxism. And not to toot my own horn, but what the hell... There are a lot of lofty ideas I’ve been coming across that are already parallel to ideas I’ve developed through my own life experience, and it makes me think I’m meant for this sort of stuff. If I’m lucky in my pursuits (not to put too much weight on the luck aspect), I’ll be a journalist of some sort. Articles, video essays, whatever. Need to rein in my indecisiveness and dispel FOMO tho.

Back to DMT. But not really. Earlier in the summer I got some straight Ketamine and it was also immensely healing. But it has a great abuse potential, especially for me, so it’s harder to “hang up the phone” after I get the message as TmK would say. It made me feel again, and start to understand what love is. Partly because it conjured all these lost feels I had for Kat. She’s great people though, I think I’d just stress her out too much. Idk. Whatever. My love life is a total mess. Anyway after I ran out I wanted more of course and stumbled on some DCK, a somewhat rare ketamine offshoot. Coupled with my increasing propensity to trip acid more than once a week, they started building on each other. I was happier and happier at home, but at work/fam was getting more and more distressed about my place in that whole show. In his show. Simply thinking about the company, especially after having read that article about procrastination and how much it resonated with me, caused me unnecessary levels of distress. Normally as quickly as I can feel that, my mind will tuck it away and bottle it up somewhere so I can go about my day. The problem with drugs is they cause you to act instead. So he was doing the usual “it’s so easy! you’ll have it made!” and I interrupted with this torrent of shit I’ve been holding back forever, and he would not yield on his “you didn’t let me finish...” Incidentally, has he really never picked up on every time I interrupt I already know what he’s talking about? I said as much, something like “it’s not the labor” and he keeps saying “no you’re not listening” as though a frivolous detail changed the main thrust of the fact he’s always trying to make it easier for me. I wish he could simply let me go off and have the strength to take it a little less seriously, but considering how often I take things personally I shouldn’t be surprised he does to. On top of this, his brother/my uncle was in the hospital for some serious shit. But another reason I picked this time is because I only feel safe even confronting him when non-involved parties are around. He doesn’t care that I don’t feel safe confronting him though, he says “don’t worry about me” so maybe I shouldn’t. I feel like such an asshole about it, but that feeling is conjured by the ideological structure he helped to create. Where does my shame end with him being the causation and start with my personal ideology? How much can a person create their own ideology, truly? It’s about as small a window as free will, I imagine.

SO after feeling awful for going off after having all this stuff build up in my mind, I felt awful and went home to drug up some more. Again, not recklessly to the extent I used to be. But I did a fat line of DCK while on a couple hits of LSD and a smidgen of Zolpidem (a wholly underrated substance). Everything was getting to me all at once. A perfect storm of my problems. All the while another doubt caused by ideology from without (society and family both) was making me think it’s all the drugs. But the developments I’ve made are huge strides, I’ve matured so much from it all. And I realized every time I do this, those developments are wiped clean because the validity of them is rendered null due to both the general social stigma of drugs and my history with them. And maybe that’s a major trigger fo rmy relapse in the past. I’m not suppose to be on drugs, but I dabble, have incredible experiences and make strides of maturity, but because it’s drugs the exact opposite effect is percieved from the outside; the experiences are simple chemical euphoria, the strides of maturity are false delusions. It triggers a sharp roll back down hill. I wish someone respected me for who I am, I feel so alone sometimes.

Drugs as an umbrella term, drugs as a vice for the worst dregs of society. There are so many problems in our world regarding drugs. I could write a book. But how much I’ve written here touches on another pressure I feel. IS it simply him again? When he asks “you’re gonna be gone in a few days right?” is that what’s making me feel like this is a waste of time? I’ve got to get out of here. It’s so hard though. I simply have to be strong. The strength is in me to take the massive cut to pay and benefits when I move. Maybe I’ll get a portion of my strugglers card back and shit heads like Blasey Shomas can’t simply say “why don’t you take care of yourself instead of daddy taking are of you?” anymore. Part of me wants to say he says that because he’s driven by his own emotions and not smart enough to directly debate my claims, his insults should hold no weight. Another part of me is truly trying to be... I don’t know a proper term for it without sounding egotistical, but “enlightened”? This is why monotheism is sounding more interesting to me. Jesus’ position about those dregs of society. I’ve always tried to be a trusting person, understanding of people’s struggles, the ideologies they function under that make them lash out or otherwise act the way they do, etc. I even changed my wording there from “I’ve always been” to “I’ve always tried to be.” Not so much for my usual reasons of dodging a committing claim (which I’m working on -- instead of “I think ___” just say what I believe to give the claim more sense of authority so as to be taken more seriously), but trying to be more humble. And not to think lowly and use myself as a punching bag like I used to... ugh, whatever. This post is messy enough.

So that night after having done DCK every day for a couple weeks and tripping every other night on acid, I was at my wits end on what to do, where to go next, everything. The outside world is crumbling, the inside world is lost. I finally whipped out that DMT I’ve had for a long while, something inside told me it was time. Oh duh it was the wits end part, I had no other chemical recourse. I sat in my bed with a foil sculpture loosely resembling a pipe, repeated to myself “it’s okay, just let it happen to you, it will be okay.” A part of me even had a small fear based on those rare reports of those interdimensional beings mentally raping some people, but I don’t know what to make of those experiences, seem like flukes. I took my three deep hits and set the pipe aside as soon as the rusb began and laid back. It wasn’t enough to break through, so I need to get a proper pipe, but it was enough for a “being” (which I am convinced is a part of your mind, not from another dimension or otherwise external source) to appear before me. At least I think. Whatever it was slowly came closer, reassuring me that I’d be okay. The most profound part was an overwhelming sense of all these puzzle pieces suddenly falling perfectly into place where they should be. As though the answers to all my struggles obvious and within me the whole time. For example as soon as I came back I adjusted my posture, as that’s something that I’ve been wanting to work on, and because I was reminded of that just now I adjusted my posture in my seat while writing this. I felt an overwhelming sense of forgiveness toward myself, I think. Amazingly, the inebriation I felt before the trip was largely dissolved, as though the stuff I was on somehow all lost it’s potency. The distresses melted away. At least, the power behind them was nulled. I’m still facing the same problems, but there’s a zen(?) quality to my thinking when they come up in my mind. No longer will a pin drop trigger everything I’m feeling all at once. When I came-to completely, I started BAWLING. In being overwhelmingly consoled by the trip, I became inconsolable. Tears of joy. Tears of healing. And that was the main takeaway. The loudest words of the experience were “Now the healing can truly begin.” At the same time, now the real work also begins. 

Balance is key

[mjsmum]

Does a beautiful birth experience even exist?

It might seem as if I've opened the blogging flood gates, but I'm very aware that baby challenges change as quickly as the direction of the wind, and I want to get my feelings in order about some of the early topics before they fade to make way for new parenting dilemmas.

Matilda will be two weeks old tomorrow, and I feel like I'm finally ready to talk about my labour experience. In fact, I may have left it a little too late, as I would contemplate having another baby now - whereas at the time I strongly declared to Jim that we were getting a cat next time! 

The naivety of going natural 

Like many women, I had a strong desire for a natural, holistic birth experience. I'd like to consider myself a tough cookie when it comes to pain management, and I told myself that the discomfort would only be temporary, and that I could feel empowered by the act of bringing new life into the world with minimal medical assistance.

To support this goal, I started arming myself with tools to help me prepare for a painkiller-free birth. I attended prenatal yoga classes to learn controlled breaths; I consulted a herbalist to learn about natural remedies; I rented a tens machine, and wrote a birthing plan that was all about a water birth and absolutely no pethidine or epidural under any circumstance. 

When reality starts getting in the way 

The first sign that my birth experience wouldn't be all it was cracked up to be came in week 28 of pregnancy, when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. After struggling to control it with dietary changes I was put onto metformin tablets with my evening meal, and nightly insulin injections. This meant two things:

1 - I would be induced around my due date if baby didn't make an early appearance

2 - the likelihood of needing extra monitoring was such that a water birth would be highly unlikely 

I could write a whole separate blog post on the impact of GD on my pregnancy experience, but the overwhelming effect on my labour plan was one of panic . That my choices were being taken away from me. And it's hard to remain empowered when the things you wanted for your birth experience are being taken off the table one by one.

However, as my due date drew nearer and Matilda's weight and measurements began to shoot off the chart, I was secretly glad not to be enduring the agonising two-week countdown of being overdue, and one day before her due date we decamped to hospital to be induced.

The long wait for labour to begin

In the middle of my labour, my midwife (who was incredible - more on that later) declared that unless it's for medical reasons, she doesn't know why anyone has an induction, and I can understand why. Turns out it involves a whole lot of waiting around - two days in my case - for something to happen. 

You're stuck in a side room while women in natural labour filter past you to the delivery suite, with someone poking their head round the door every few hours to take your blood pressure or shove a finger up your hoo-ha just in case anything has kicked off.

The best thing I did during this time was send Jim home for some proper sleep, as we had no idea how gruelling the first few days of parenthood would be. The worst thing I did was to let my mixture of fear and excitement keep me awake at night, as I could've used the energy for labour when it finally happened. However, it did give me the chance to binge watch my way through series 6 of ER on DVD!

Eventually, after a pessary, two gels and a sweep, I began to feel period-like pains in my stomach, and requested some light pain relief from the midwife. A dose of paracetamol and codeine later I got back into bed, and felt something start to trickle down my leg. By the time I got to the bathroom my waters gave way fully, and after a dramatic gush all over the floor I realised I was standing there with soaking wet pyjama bottoms. Things were finally kicking off!

Thank god for a hot shower

I don't actually remember much about early labour - it lasted around 5.5 hours, and Jim came back to the hospital as soon as my waters went - other than the fact I felt very alone. I was only checked by medical staff once or twice during this time, and it was hours before they would internally examine me to see how I was progressing.

It was a LOT more painful than I had imagined, and my yoga breathing went straight out of the window. My cries for more codeine were never answered, but one kind midwife did run me a bath. The water helped but I felt trapped in the restrictive porcelain tub, so got out after a handful of minutes.

Not being able to get comfortable basically summed up the early part of my labour. Standing was too much; sitting on the ball only worked between contractions; hanging off jim's shoulders worked temporarily, but didn't anchor me the way I needed. In the end, my absolute saviour was the en suite shower in my room. I turned it to maximum heat, grabbed hold of the hand rails in the cubicle and swayed from side to side for literally two and a half hours until someone came to check on my progress.

Everything...and then nothing 

The good news on examination was that I was 9cm dilated and ready to go to the delivery suite. I'd lost the will to put clothes on by that point, so the midwife wheeled me up there in a towel and blanket with soaking wet hair - oh the glamour! 

For me, the first hour in the delivery suite was the only moment of clarity and control in the whole labour experience. My midwife, Toni, was very calm, soothing and experienced. My contractions slowed to a manageable level, and I felt happy enough to proceed with my plan of as natural birth as possible, with just gas and air to see me through.

Had I known what was about to come, I would have taken the epidural offered to me at that point, but for some reason I was still hell bent on this badge of honour of pushing a baby out with minimal pain relief. Next time, I'm taking the drugs!

What should've been the beginning of the end was actually the start of 6 of the most tiring, painful and frustrating hours I've ever experienced in my life. And by the time Matilda arrived, I was so delusional and exhausted I felt like I was having some kind of out of body experience.

The slowing down of my contractions was the first of many things that started to go awry in those last few hours. They had to put me on a hormone drip to artificially stimulate me to contract three times every 10 minutes, and they also gave me IV fluid as Matilda was showing signs of dehydration. 

I still wasn't dilated enough to push, so had to put up with a couple more hours of intense pain before being given the green light to start trying to pop my baby out.

Throughout those couple of hours I pleaded and begged to start pushing, but had I known what real pushing meant, I would've shut up and made the most of the gas and air! The physical effort involved with each push was so intense that I was physically sweating, and I definitely shit myself on more than one occasion, but by that point I no longer cared.

Time for intervention 

What started to become apparent at the pushing stage was that Matilda just wasn't coming out. As much as I pushed her forward, she started to slip back, and after 90 minutes of body-wrenching squeezes, the midwife made the decision to call a doctor for assistance. 

What I didn't know at the time was that doctor intervention had been discussed more than once during those final hours because of my 'failure to progress', but that my midwife fought tooth and nail at every stage to buy me more time. It was this determination that meant I didn't end up having a c-section, and I will be eternally grateful to her for being so persistent. 

I don't think I'd really thought about what the end of my labour would be like in advance, but I never got that glorious moment of doing a final push to feel a slippery baby slide into the midwife's arms with a triumphant first cry. Matilda's heart rate began to drop, so the decision was taken to use forceps, and suddenly the room was filled with a team of doctors and nurses.

By this point I was basically hallucinating with adrenaline, pain and tiredness, so the final part felt slightly disembodied. I saw what I could only describe as a giant pair of salad tongs on the side, not realising that they were what was about to help deliver my baby, and then I was being dropped down and tilted backwards on the bed ready for the big moment.

The midwife explained to me that I needed to push hard with the next contraction, as the forceps were there to assist - they couldn't do the job for me. It was this next contraction where I basically had a total meltdown; the pain and discomfort of the forceps was like nothing I'd ever experienced, and instead of pushing I started screaming and begging for them to make it stop.

Here, the midwife stepped in with a bit of tough love and shouted at me to pull it together for the sake of my baby. It obviously did the trick as I gave it one final push and heard the staff telling me excitedly that my baby had arrived!

The eye of the storm - and the calm that followed 

Because of the way Matilda was dragged into the world, we didn't get that idyllic moment where she went straight onto my bare chest for skin to skin. I didn't know at the time but her shoulders had got stuck so they'd had to rotate her to get her out. The cord was wrapped around her neck, and her apgar score was only 5, so they rushed her over to the side of the room to give her some inflationary breaths. 

I remember everyone being calm but not hearing my baby crying, and repeatedly asking Jim and the staff if everything was ok. Then she let out the first of many wails we have since heard, and they briefly put her on a towel on my stomach to say hello.

At this point I was still lying flat on my back, legs akimbo in stirrups, unaware that I'd suffered a third degree tear and lost 800ml of blood. They explained to me that I needed to go straight into theatre for repair, so no sooner had I met my baby I was wheeled away, given a spinal block, and laid back down for repair.

Strangely, that moment in theatre was the beginning of the post-birth calm. I was so tired and overstimulated that I couldn't really think about the baby I'd left behind in the delivery suite - it almost felt as if it hadn't happened - and I zonked out into a deep sleep during the hour it took them to stitch me back together.

The next thing I remember is being transferred onto a different trolley and wheeled back to the now cleaned-up delivery room. I felt nothing but tingles from the waist down, and waiting for me was a plate of pie and mash and a peacefully sleeping baby, who was placed onto my bare chest. It still didn't quite feel real at that moment, but I wasn't in pain; all I felt was complete contentment. 

Processing the reality of giving birth 

The first couple of nights after Matilda was born I couldn't close my eyes without getting forcep flashbacks. To be honest, I felt haunted by the whole labour experience, but gradually the horror moments started to fade. 

Over the next few days I began to fully process MJ’s birth, and realised that while it had been far from the holistic experience I had imagined, it had taught me some important lessons:

- Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to make life even harder and have a natural birth? Real empowerment comes from making the best decision for you personally, and if we ever decide to go through it again, I will confidently ask for an epidural and feel no sense of shame

- Any woman who delivers a baby is a fucking superhero. Whether you deliver naturally in water or have an elective caesarean, you birthed a baby. That deserves a massive amount of respect 

- Nothing that hurts that much can ever be empowering at the time, but you can definitely give yourself a massive pat on the back afterwards for getting through it. You are a female warrior! 

- Never underestimate the power of a good birthing partner. I crushed every bone in Jim's hands during my contractions, and yelled at him every time our birthing soundtrack came to an end and needed rebooting, but he will never fully realise how just being there with that support in those moments got me through

- It's OK to come away from hospital with the opinion that labour sucks, and lament the gruelling process your body has been through, and continues to go though afterwards. Because when you're having a 'woe is me' moment you can pick up your perfect, tiny little baby and give her a tight cuddle, and realise all that pain and fear was completely and totally worth it

[misterkavanagh-blog]

Getting To Snow You || Reilly and Ricky

Ricky and Reilly get pizza, with some disastrous outcomes.

Reilly pulled his coat closer around him and adjusted his hood slightly so that it didn't mess with his glasses as much. It was still damn cold and the snow and killer snowmen were still all over Ashkent Creek. So far he hadn't been sent back to school, though when Ashkent Creek was a war zone it was hard to get kids back into school. Turning to Ricky, he had to admit that he kind of wished that his jeep wasn't so open to the weather. But what could he do? He just needed something other than sitting around his apartment to keep him occupied. "So?" he asked, looking at the supplies in the back seat, "where to next?"

Ricky hadn't known what to expect when he picked up a stranger to join him on his supply run. World's beefiest high school teacher hadn't been on the list. But he turned the music down and looked at Reilly out of the corner of his eye as they took the icy roads slowly. "Well. I've got gummyworms and nice pens for Ember, food for you, a first aid kit for Effie, and whiskey and food for me." He swerved slightly to hit a snowman head on, "Gettin' real tired of this shit though. Was there anything else you needed?"

Reilly shook his head, "No. That is everything for me. If that is the end of the list, we'll deliver to Ember and Effie and then you can drop me off at my apartment and head home, unless there was something else that you wanted?" He almost wanted Ricky to suggest they do something else, but the light would start to fade soon and whilst they had managed to miss the majority of the snow men whilst in the Jeep, Reilly wasn't sure that he wanted to handle them tonight, in the dark. Especially not after he had learnt that vampires existed, suddenly he had begun to appreciate the sunlight a little bit more. "You know, it is awful nice of you to do this," he said with a shrug, "most people would only look out for themselves."

The light was starting to fade and Ricky had a vague idea of how long it would take to visit everyone's house. It wasn't a short amount of time. Ember and Effie were on opposite sides of town and bringing Reilly back would take him farther from his apartment than it would bring him closer. That being said though, it was nice to actually be out of the 600 square feet he called home. "That's it for me. I just needed to reup on the basics. Meat, booze, ice cream, veggies. Only the essentials for me." Reilly wasn't bad company, as far as snow-travelling company went, if a little quiet, "Though if you're hungry we can grab a bite or something before all the deliveries." He shrugged broadly as he drove, fiddling with the radio, "It's the least I could do. I've got a car that can handle the snow. I gotta use it to help people when I can."

Raising an eyebrow, ​Reilly​ felt his stomach rumble and realised that actually, he was hungry. In an attempt to preserve himself, he had been cutting back on how much he ate to keep himself from running out of food. "I could go for some food," he said with a frown, "how about we grab some pizza from somewhere, my treat." He paused and shrugged. "I know that you're the type of guy who thinks that way -- otherwise you wouldn't be out here doing all of this for people you don't know very well -- but most people wouldn't be that selfless." He shrugged and looked out at the field of snow in front of them. "People don't always act just because they can."

"Pizza's always good. You can never go wrong with pizza. But we'll split the bill." Ricky took a left to bring them back towards the town center and the best pizza place he knew about. "I've got really weird and particular pizza tastes. Dietary needs and such. Not fair to make someone else pay for that." He turned the music down as Reilly talked some more, "Yeah... I know they wouldn't. But if I'm not, when people need it, what the hell kind of world am I creating around me. I'm healthy, I'm comfortably middle class, I've got more than I need... I feel like I've got an obligation, y'know? To do what I can when I can for the people around me."

Reilly nodded, "Yeah, pizza seems to be a good middle ground, I don't think that I can think of one person who doesn't like pizza." He smiled gently and shrugged, he wasn't going to argue if Ricky wanted to split the bill. "Hey, I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't have any food at home if it weren't for you, but I'm not going to argue with you, if you want to split it then we'll split it." As Reilly listened he had to admit that Ricky was surprising. By his looks he was a jock, but you wouldn't anticipate someone of his position to be doing anything other than thinking about where their next keg stand was coming from. Ricky however seemed to be more thoughtful and much more intelligent than Reilly had expected. "That is quite the outlook," he said with a shrug, "I'm impressed. Most people don't think the same way."

Ricky beamed broadly as they pulled into the parking lot, thrilled to see the place was actually open, "Pizza is the great culinary middle ground. You can always find some version of it someone will like." He slid out of the car, locking the door and patting the hood as he walked towards the entrance, "This shopping excursion comes free of charge. I put the offer out there and you took me up on it. No need to try to pay me back for it." Disentangling himself from his jacket he looked at the menu above the counter and pondered his choices, looking over at Reilly after awhile and grinning, flexing in his tank top as he responded, "Don't let the muscles and tattoos fool you, Reilly. I've got a heart. Don't tell anyone though, it's a big secret. My whole image would be ruined." he joked before stepping up to the counter, "Yeah hi. Fourteen inch pizza, no cheese, light sauce, triple anchovies, bacon, pepperoni, ham, and chicken please. For here. Thanks a lot."

Raising an eyebrow as they moved into the pizza place, Reilly smiled gently. "It really is. You've got to hand it to whoever invented pizza, whichever italian genius did it, they obviously had no idea that they were about to create the most successful type of food in the world." He smiled as he pulled his hood down and his coat off, adjusting to the heat of the place, he shifted his glasses so that they sat more comfortably on his face. "I could say the same thing about the pizzas, I won't," he said with a gentle smile, "but I could." Laughing gently at Ricky's antics, Reilly smiled in reply. "Don't worry, I don't think anyone that has muscles or tattoos is a serial killer or anything like that, but I will make sure that I keep your secret, as long as you keep fighting the good fight." He smiled before stepping up to the counter himself. "Can I get a fourteen inch meat feast please. But can you add extra mushrooms. Thanks."

"Forget international diplomacy. Just put everyone around a build your own pizza table and issues will get resolved hella fast." Ricky took his glass for water and filled it was Reilly ordered, pushing his hair out of his eyes and under a hat as he waited, and doing his best not to spoil the moment with an incredibly inappropriate joke about meat feasts. Reilly didn't read as gay anyway, and barely read as someone who'd appreciate a really solid dick joke. Chuckling along with Reilly, Ricky grabbed them a table close enough to the kitchen that the heat from the pizza oven kept them warm, but far enough away that he didn't overheat from the proximity, "Serial killer I am not, I mean honestly who has time for that. I work full time and I've almost graduated with my bachelor's. Killing people would take up way too much time."

Have you suggested that to the United Nations?" ​Reilly​ asked with a gentle smirk, grabbing himself a glass of water and making his own way over to the table that Ricky had chosen. It was a nice warmth, which Reilly appreciated after being in the cold so long. "Yes well you didn't seem the type either way," he replied with a chuckle. "What are you studying?" he asked, catching onto the bachelor's and wanting to know what Ricky was interested in. They had talked a little during their drive around town, but not really enough that he would feel confident saying that they knew one another. Ricky seemed like a decent enough guy and he was intrigued to get to know him.

"I've tried but they won't let me past the front door. Something about the hair and the scruff and the height and the casual style of dress. Just doesn't scream ​diplomat​ to them. Maybe I'll try the Brazilian Embassy. Dad taught me enough Portuguese to at least fumble through a conversation." Ricky and Reilly waited in the steamy warmth of the shop for their pizza to be made, "Marine Biology. I'm in my last semester at UMAC and I've already been accepted to the Master's program there." The teenager working the counter flagged him down and he strode over to pick up his pizza, sliding back into his seat as he took a deep whiff of it, "What about you? What do you do. Definitely too old for college, unless you're working on your second doctorate."

Laughing gently, ​Reilly​ smiled, "I'll let you borrow a suit and we'll get you a hair cut and a good razor and you'll be leading the UN into peaceful diplomacy in no time what so ever." He shook his head gently and smiled, grabbing his own pizza a minute after Ricky's was ready. "Marine Biology certainly sounds interesting, sadly the sciences were never my forte, I could never remember all of the latin names and to be honest with you I never excelled at Maths, I didn't do badly, but it wasn't my strong suit either." He shrugged gently and smiled, tearing a piece of pizza off and chewing on it thoughtfully. "Sadly I didn't get around to doing the first doctorate, or the masters, I'm a teacher, I teach at the high school actually, history and a little bit of everything else when someone is sick or needs me to cover their class."

Ricky laughed broadly, the sounds of it bouncing off the metal of the oven doors and the steam-covered windows protecting them from could outside, "Have you seen my hair? The world will understand. Consider me....... Samson. To cut my hair is to blunt my power and I can't have that." He set his pizza down and listened intently as Reilly talked about his truncated academic career, speaking only when he knew Reilly was done, "Family complications can turn any well-formed plan on its head. I know how that goes." Further sympathy, however, was cut short by the demolishing of the front door to the pizza parlor, "One meal. I want one goddamn meal without this shit happening" Ricky muttered as a voice demanded pizza, "We should probably find a backdoor" he started to slide into his coat and look towards the kitchen, "Before whatever the fucknuts that is decides we look better than pizza."

Reilly however was kind of frozen in place. He hadn't expected to see Harpies or monstrous snowmen, and he certainly hadn't expected to see whatever the hell these things were again, not when he knew that they had a healthy appetite for humans. But at the same time he needed to gather evidence, to research what this was and to show Regan. He wanted to prove to her that he was more than capable of surviving in this town and that she was wrong when she had written him off and told him to go home. "These things are really stupid," he said finally, snapping back to the present, "I am almost certain that they're here because of me and I know for a fact that once they find out that they don't like pizza as much as humans, someone is going to get hurt, so we need to lead them away from here." He looked around. "Here is the plan, you run out the front and get away from here once I've led them out the back." Without waiting for Ricky's reply, Reilly rose from the table, grabbed his box of pizza and walked straight up to the weird bears. "What time do you call this?" he asked, acting indignant even though he was pretty sure he was a step away from wetting himself, "I've been waiting for you all this time, and you arrive now?!" The bears seemed confused, almost as if they didn't quite understand what was happening. "The pizza is through here," he said, walking over to the counter and pointing towards the kitchen as the staff from the restaurant fled out the back, "just waiting for you in those ... lumps." He said, looking at the rolled out pizza dough.

"Woah woah woah man," Ricky held up his hands and cracked a smile, "If cutting off my beautiful curls is the way to world peace then you sir are going to have to invest in a bulletproof vest because it's not happening." Taking the first bites of his pizza he listened to Reilly talk about his life, "History though, a noble subject. What's the quote.... those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it?" Another bite and he looked across the table carefully, "I'm going for the master's but truth be told I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with it. There's some crazy pipe dreams of course but.... who knows if that's going to become a reality"

Shrugging, ​Reilly​ smirked in reply to Ricky's objections. "Well I'll just let the people of the world know that there hopes for a planet of peace have officially been dashed because you're unwilling to cut your hair, I'm sure that they'll understand though." Laughing gently, he shook his head. Chewing on his pizza as Ricky spoke. "It was always my favourite subject at school and complications with family meant that I couldn't pursue my career in historical academia any further than an undergraduate level, but at the end of the day it was still worth it." He shrugged gently, about to ask Ricky about his own pipe dreams when the front door of the pizza place caved in, bringing the bell that jingled when the door rang with it. Then a scarily familiar voice chimed in. "Where Pizza?!" it demanded, as the weird bears covered in rocks made their way through the doors of the pizza place.

Ricky was a little surprised how Reilly immediately took control of the situation but surprise turned to indignation when Reilly suggested the Ricky was just going to leave him with.... whatever the fuck had just wandered into the restaurant, "Slow the fuck up there, tall dark and studly. I am 100% not abandoning you to deal with those..... man what the shit are those? Vampires, werewolves, Aipalooviks, killer snowmen and Nixes I've seen.... these fuggos I have not... and because I haven't I'm certainly not leaving you alone with them." It only took him a minute to see where Reilly was going with the charade and the minute he picked up on the tack he joined right in on it, "He is a ​very​ busy man! You kept him waiting! The rudeness is absolutely beyond the pale." The advantage of being so tall was every one of his emotions was amplified by large limbs. "Your pizza's back there! Go! What are you waiting for! You made the gentleman wait this long, don't make him wait anymore! ​GO!​" Not his smoothest but hopefully while they were in the back of the restaurant he could drag Reilly out of the restaurant.

Honestly, ​Reilly​ had shocked himself. He didn't really know what he was doing but he was sick of running away from all of the weird things in this town. Just for once, he wanted to be able to stand his ground and stay put. Apparently his years teaching had helped him, because he just imagined that the weird rock bear things were some of his least favourite pupils over the years. Everyone from Jessica Gillian (she had tried to get him fired because he wouldn't go on a date with her) and Ricardo Montoya (who had thrown a chair at him) were being projected onto the intruders. Though Ricky hadn't left like he told him to, Reilly took this as a reassuring sign, after all if he was stuck here on his own then things could go badly wrong. As the rock bears shuffled through to the back and began chewing on dough, Reilly grabbed Ricky's hand and dragged him out of the front door and into a large group of snowmen. Gulping he looked at the razor sharp points on the mini icicles that were the snowmen's teeth and then he heard a roar of displeasure as the rock bears decided that actually they hated pizza and suddenly Ricky and Reilly were surrounded. ​Great​.

Ricky allowed himself to get dragged out of the pizza parlor only to find them surrounded by snowmen that definitely hadn't been there when they pulled up "oh for fuck's sake." He heaved a sigh and tugged Reilly behind him, "man I did not want to fucking die today." Before the snowmen could move in on them however, a great bellow from inside the restaurant demonstrated that the timer on that particular ruse had run out "double great." He muttered "any other ideas? Because right now I'm just lookin at kicking and punching through the snowmen to get to the jeep and then hightailing out of here." Not his brightest work. But he was running on pure adrenaline.

Reilly shivered in the cold. He realised that he had left his coat inside of the restaurant and as his breath frosted up in front of his face, Reilly realised that that didn't really matter right now. However what really did matter was the fact that sooner rather than later they could very well die. "Uh," he said, looking all around them and hoping for options to open up as the roaring got louder and he saw the first rock bear charge through the already wrecked doors. Dodging out of the way, he pushed Ricky into what was left of the frame of the door and out of the way of the weird rock bear, who went charging into the wall of snowmen, crushing them into powdered snow. But they quickly began to reform. Seeing his opening, Reilly looked at Ricky. "Run?"

Ricky saw the shiver, and saw the frosted breath, and remembered, though he didn't know how he'd forgotten, that humans weren't quite as okay with the cold as he was, and that Reilly had abandoned his coat in the restaurant. He allowed himself to be toppled into the doorframe, which was undoubtedly going to leave a bruise on his bicep, as he watched one of the weird pizza-hating fuckers demolish a line of snowmen as it ran for them. That... was an unexpected windfall for them. No sooner had the suggestion left Reilly's lips than Ricky grabbed him by the wrist and lunged for the car, thankful that his small town mentality meant it was still unlocked. He slammed the key in the ignition and the foot on the pedal as he reversed over a reforming pile of snowman. As they sped along the road he looked behind him to see the rock bear weird things fast on their trail... faster than he would have liked "Well we're being followed. So what's your next suggestion?"

The wind whipped through his hair as the Jeep skidded round a corner and ​Reilly​ turned in his seat to try and get a good view of where he was going. The rock bear thing was crashing after him, but he couldn't help himself. He wanted a photo of this for the next time he had to try and describe it, so whipping out his phone, he snapped a couple of very blurry and grainy shots, hoping that one of them would be good enough quality that someone in the know would be able to identify it. Reilly was wracking his brain, but to be quite honest he wasn't coming up with much. In fact, the truth was that there was almost nothing that he could think of. "You don't have a gun do you?" he suggested, hoping for the best. Not that he had any idea why Ricky would have a gun. 

Ricky floored it through the snowy streets as Reilly turned in his seat "Are you taking pictures?!" He took a corner a little too fast and fish tailed a little bit but as he corrected he could hear his heart thumping in his ears. He couldn't help but laugh at Reilly's question "no. No I do not. I've got.... I'm not a fan of guns." He took every strange twist and turn he could think of in an attempt to lose them, but a part of him thought they were being tracked by smell and it was gonna be a moot point. "No gun. And I don't think we're gonna lose them. But we need to think of something." Another fast corner and he started breathing a little heavier from the adrenaline. "Sorry about lunch."

"I've run into these things before and I just want to be able to find out what they are, if we survive this that is," ​Reilly​ shouted back to Ricky, looking through the truck for something that would give them a fighting chance. "I don't blame you," he replied with a sigh as he rifled through his glove box and the stuff in the back of the jeep. "Don't worry about it," he said with a shrug, "unless you organised all of this, I somehow doubt that you were the one to organise it all," he held onto the side of the jeep as they skidded round a corner and wondered whether he should tell Ricky to slow down, or if that wasn't really worth it. "Have you got any fuel?" he asked, "or hairspray and a lighter? We could make an improvised flame thrower."

"So you're the monster magnet and for once it's not me" Ricky sped out of town, taking country roads to try to lead the beasts away from the town center. Reilly rummaged through the car, presumably looking for something they could use as a weapon, talking the whole while. "Do I look like I have hairspray?! I've got a canister of gas in the back though. But no lighter. I don't smoke." The rest of his explanation was cut short as he took a snowy corner too fast and the jeep couldn't correct. The car flipped onto its top as Ricky felt himself tossed by the forces of momentum and gravity. When they stopped, uncomfortably upside down, Ricky turned "fuck fuck fuck Reilly are you okay?"

Reilly was about to say something about how this wasn't his fault when Ricky took the corner a little too fast. He felt the car skid, and then start to tip over. It was almost surreal, as if he had somehow slipped into a dream like state and this wasn't happening. Except he could see the world turn upside down and then the right way up and then upside down again and that pretty much confirmed to him that this was actually right. His seat belt snapped taut around him, stopping him from flying around the car and killing himself, but his head slammed into the dashboard and he could feel a cut in his forehead begin to leak blood. He was pretty sure that the lenses of his glasses had cracked on one side too, so all in all, he wasn't doing great. "Shit," he muttered, spitting out blood and struggling with his seat belt, "I'm not dead," he groaned painfully, his arm felt wet. "I don't think I broke anything but I'm pretty sure my arm and head are bleeding."

One of the very few downsides to being a Selkie was that having twice the blood meant that he bled a helluva lot more than humans did when he was injured. He'd slammed into the side of the car hard enough to open a gash on his left arm that he could feel bleeding at an alarming rate "shit" he murmured "this is gonna be a lot of gogo dancing to fix this." Ricky unbuckled himself and fell to the ground, crawling over to Reilly to unbuckle him and catch him as he fell towards the ground "fuck man. Fuck. I'll pay for your glasses." He ran his hands over Reilly's arms, noticing a cut on the man's bicep and across his forehead "Doesn't look too bad. You're bleeding but you'll live I think." He crawled out through the window and held his arm out to pull Reilly out. "We gotta run, man. Can you run? We need a new plan."

Reilly grunted in pain as Ricky unbuckled him from his seat and he went crashing into his muscular body. He couldn't help but notice that Ricky too, was bleeding. It wasn't as if he was an expert in any sort of situation like this, but he was finding that he was in them more and more and it was rather alarming if he was perfectly honest. "Don't fucking worry about my glasses," he grunted as he pulled himself out of the car and rather groggily to his feet. His head felt light and he was worried that he was going to go crashing back into the snow at any minute. "I think I can run," he said as he set of, going as fast as he possibly could, even though he knew that that wasn't fast at all.

"I'm gonna worry about your fucking glasses, man. I'm gonna worry all about that shit." Reilly started to take off running and Ricky followed after him, acutely aware that he was leaving a literal trail of blood behind them. He pulled up along side Reilly and slid his arm around the man's waist, helping him run as they moved farther from his not-entirely-wrecked-but​-wrecked-enough car, "Okay okay okay you said you've dealt with these things before. What are they, how do we kill them, if we can't kill them how do we get far enough away from them so they don't kill us or anyone we know." Ricky was glad he couldn't really feel the cold but he was starting to get concerned about Reilly. They were in the cold, the man didn't have a coat, and he was bleeding. Those weren't good things for a human to be doing.

Reilly grunted in pain and wrapped his own strong arms around Ricky. If this college jock thought that he was going to let him get carried along he had another thing coming. "I just think that we have ​other​ things to worry about, my glasses just don't seem all that important," he grunted as they crunched through the snow. He was really starting to feel the cold now, he just had to hope that someone had seen them. His phone screen was smashed and unusable. Grunting, he looked down at the blood patches that were already forming beneath their feet. "Last time I saw them I just convinced them that pizza would taste better than me and now that they've had pizza, I don't think that they really believe me." Grunting in pain, they reached the tree line and Reilly took a second to lean against a tree. "As for what they are or how to kill them, I don't know. They seem to run first and think second, so we could trick them into doing something dangerous."

Watching the beast come charging at him ​Ricky​ took several deep breaths before throwing himself to the side at the last minute. Landing so hard in the snow knocked the breath out of him but he was rewarded by hearing the creatures angry bellow as it plummeted to the rocks and icy water below. "YEAH!" he shouted after it, clambering back up to his feet, "Suck my giant dick you fucking assfuck. Tell the devil I said what's up when you get to hell, fucking pizza-hating piece of shit." Victory gloating finished he rushed back to Reilly's side, pulling the jacket tightly around the man as he dragged him up to his feet, "Alright we gotta get back to the car and call an ambulance and we gotta raise that core temp, buddy. I really hope you don't have any qualms about physical contact because we're about to become uncomfortably close." He hurried through the snow as fast as they could manage until the wreck of the Jeep was within sight, "Alright get back in there's a blanket somewhere in the trunk that I'mma grab while you use my phone to call 911, but we're gonna have to hug it out for heat."

Reilly shivered as he was dragged to his feet. What had started out as a attempt at an act of kindness, was quickly becoming a death defying misadventure that Reilly wasn't sure he was completely comfortable about. He had already been mauled by a Harpy and he was pretty sure that his sister's eyes had somehow turned black. Now he had been chased through the snow by both killer snowmen who were intent on feasting on his flesh, but a weird clan of giant bear like ​things​ that had hated pizza and tried to kill them. Then there had been that great car accident. Reilly had really enjoyed that. Now he was stuck having to try not to freeze to death. As they arrived at the Jeep, Reilly reached into the Jeep and grabbed the blanket. Wrapping it tightly around him, he tried to get as warm as possible. He had to be honest that he wasn't sure how comfortable he felt with the fact that he was going to have to cuddle a stranger. But at the same time it seemed as though it was really the only option available. He didn't really want to prove Regan right and die.

As they clambered into the wreck of the car, Ricky had his shirt pulled half off before he even had his phone out of the pocket "ambulance. Car accident off Old Mill Road, near the cliff, my friend and I were minorly injured but there's a hypothermia concern. He's starting to exhibit symptoms." He nodded a couple of times before hanging up and looking over at Reilly "I'm really sorry pizza turned into this and this is gonna be super weird I know but you're gonna have to take your shirt off." Ricky managed to find a way to lean back against the door of the car "you're colder than I am so I should probably be behind you and I know this is strange but it's the best way to try to keep your temperature stable. Again. Super sorry."

Unsure of whether or not he was going to do this, ​Reilly​ decided that a few awkward hours would be preferable to his death. The thought that he might well prove Regan right was sickening and he was determined not to let it happen. Reaching down, he unbuttoned the shirt he was wearing and slowly pulled it off of him without dropping the blanket. "Well, you at least bought me lunch first," he said trying to lighten the mood. He was pretty sure that all it actually did was make things worse. "Maybe next time we could skip the weird monstrous man eating snowmen and whatever the hell that was. "Lets just do it, and really there is no need to apologise. You're probably going to save my life."

Ricky burst out laughing so hard that tears rolled down his face, "well at least I've got that going for me. Bought you lunch before you almost died." He held his arms open and waited for Reilly to cross the car before pulling him close, heart thumping in his chest with panic at how cold the other man felt "yeah let's definitely skip the monsters. Just pizza. Or pizza and beer. Because after this I feel like I need to drink a whole awful lot. But you know... this is only like the third weirdest way I've had a shirtless guy touching me so congrats. Still not the weirdest."

Reilly shook his head, though to be quite honest he was unsure if that was because he was shivering so violently or if he had genuinely meant to shake his head. His awareness was faded slightly due to the combination of the cold and the blood loss. Though he had to admit that things could be much worse. That troll could still be alive. Though somehow he doubted that anything could survive that fall. "Bullshit," he coughed, "I don't believe you, tell me about the other two.

Pulling Reilly in closer and the blanket tighter Ricky tried to will more of his body heat into the shivering man, "I dance. At a club. On occasion. This dancing involves not a whole lot of clothes. So one time after I got done this guy, handsome guy but way too drunk to function, ran up to me and grabbed me and hugged me and told me he'd seen the face of God in my abs. Nice compliment I guess. But also totally weirded me out. Bouncer took care of him though." He ran his hands up and down Reilly's arms, trying to get some warmth into them, "Then there was this guy I had over a couple weeks ago. Cried after sex. So awkward. So so so awkward. Oh my god so awkward." He knew he was prattling on but keeping Reilly awake seemed like something that was mandatory at this point. "What about you. Hats your weirdest shirtless gender of your sexual choosing moment?"

Sighing gently, ​Reilly​ had to admit that he wasn't sure if this was even working. If it was he wasn't sure if it was normal not to feel it, but he was so far out of his comfort zone that he was far from sure about what the normal way to feel was. "I'm not picky," he muttered gently, shrugging to himself as he did. "It depends on the night and how I feel, but I'll swing both ways I guess. I mean. I used to, but I wouldn't really do it anymore. Not my scene anymore I guess."

"No no no no man none of this getting quiet shit. You can't go to sleep on me. Wide awake. Tell Ricky all your horrible terrible awkward stories." The panic was genuine now as Ricky rested his chin on Reilly's shoulder, "The ambulance should be here super soon and we'll get you to a hospital but you gotta stay with me man." He nodded a little as Reilly talked "bi. That's cool. I can dig that. I had my slutty phase. Or I guess I'm still in it. I only lost my virginity a couple months ago but. Yeah. It has its draws and it has its negatives that's for sure. Tell me more about you."

Reilly chuckled and forced himself to keep his eyes open. He didn't want to die, he didn't want to die, he didn't want to die. Breathing and doing his very best to keep himself awake, he shifted gently and he kept talking, hoping that would help. "I moved here a few months ago to be nearer to my sister, my brother died when we younger and my mom couldn't cope, she committed suicide but Regan never really accepted it." He couldn't believe that he was spilling his entire life story to some random guy he had just met, not to mention that he was also half naked. "My dad didn't handle it either and I had to get her through it, my younger brother too," the memories of the early days came rushing back. Caring for his siblings during the day, drinking himself to death during the night. "I came here, but she didn't want me here, because of the whole weird world that exists here, that was when I found out about all of this..."

Ricky nodded along as Reilly told his story, heart slamming through a couple of beats when he mentioned he was related to Regan. "I'm sorry about all of that man, sounds like you've had a rough time of it with family. I can sorta understand that. My mom was murdered when I was a teenager and it broke dad and I apart. We didn't talk for a long long long time. We only just started talking again but it's pretty tenuous." The sound of sirens broke through even his shitty hearing and he perked up "oh thank fuck. They're here man. He stuck his hand out of the car and waved to flash down the paramedics "we're in here! He needs help. I'm fine but he's too cold." He pulled the blanket tighter as the paramedics moved into help "I'll ride to the hospital with you. You're gonna be fine."

Reilly had to admit that he didn't really have that much energy left, his body just felt so cold. "It isn't your fault," he said with a shrug, pulling himself towards the paramedics and collapsing into their arms. They grabbed him and hauled him over onto a gurney before moving him into the ambulance. "You know," he said -- though he was barely conscious -- "I think I owe you a drink or something for having saved my life," he chuckled gently as they wheeled him into the ambulance. He wasn't quite sure what the EMTs were doing to him, but he hoped it worked, it would really suck to die in the ambulance.

[ilypikachu]

quick rant xP

less than a week until my birthday and I’m screaming with the anticipation haha. 

I’m realizing that the aunt and uncle that I live with are egotistical. When asked where I wanted to go out to eat for my bday, I listed out 3 restaurants for them to choose from. choice 1 has a vegetarian cafe that is pretty much equally priced to Cheesecake Factory (which was choice 3). the difference b/w choice 1 & 3 being that you wouldn’t feel guilty and gluttonated after finishing your meal b/c the food is organic and mostly plant-based (choice 1). choice 2 was an Indian restaurant b/c why not try something new. Plus, I really enjoy Indian food. I put Cheesecake Factory b/c my aunt and uncle are horribly picky ppl when going out to eat (and this is one of the few places they don’t mind, which I learned when celebrating Tyler’s bday). So choice 3 was a test cause i didn’t care to go there. The next day, my aunt and uncle brought up list of restaurants. I told them to narrow the options done to 2 and then I would make the finalized decision. They ended up deciding to just go to Cheesecake Factory for its varsatile menu. Really?! So this was the conformation that they’d rather stick to their comfort zone instead of try something different and healthier. Oh and that they’re egotistic. 

For my bday cake, my aunt bought a Tiramisu cake. Okay, thanks but that is YOUR favorite cake, not mine. You didn’t bother to ask what kind of cake I wanted for my bday. You asked Tyler what his favorite was so why couldn’t you ask me? What’s funny is that my boss at the Medicinary cares more about my taste for food than my aunt ever did. My boss and co-workers took the time to ask me when my bday was a month in advance. Then they weren’t afraid to ask what my favorite desserts, snacks, and any dietary restrictions I had. Then again, my boss is a Naturopath but still. it’s a simple question that means a lot in the long run!

Oh and you didn’t have time to go to Whole’s Food? What bullshit. It’s just out of your way so you’re not going to go. There were so many other options for you to make it to Whole’s Food. One, you could have gotten it this morning instead of just sitting on your phone on the couch. Whole Foods opens at 7am so if you’re going to be up early, then just get your butt there as soon as the stores open and you’ll make it to work on time. Or if driving was an issue, then we could have stopped by there after dinner cause my uncle was driving.

To sum up, my favorite aunt/uncle pair happen to be the pair that my mom trusts the most to care for me if she were to ever pass. This aunt has always supported any fundraiser I was raising funds for. She genuinely cares and the uncle is hilarious and real. The aunt/uncle pair I currently live with care but don’t deeply love. Sure they try their best but otherwsie all they do is piss me off whenever I talk to them because I have to repeat things I’ve said to them multiple times, they are offensive blunt, egotistic, hippocritical, and don’t believe in my me. Plus, they get in my way when I’m occupied in the kitchen. 

In the end, it is the thought that counts. Therefore, I do appreciate they took me out to eat and it was nice catching up with them over dinner.