#what if u had a good concept and then ruined it by making everyone 14.

[clovisbrayai]

-_-

[maldito-arbol]

Chapter 5. Responsibility

HEART CHAPTER HEART CHAPTER <3

‘They are not built to feel. They are not built to be the heart , only to give and give and give . ‘ (oh)

Andy count, 1 2 3 4 5 6 8 12 14 16 21 23 (23 too fucking many)(it’s gonna be really funny if I managed to miscount)

“My name isn’t even really my name”- Witney, chapter 4 IBYBF

(The fact that Choke started playing when I referenced Witney)

Hnnnnn Barrel. I. Hm. Barrel has som eOpinions

Heart out here being the epitome of wanting a reaction out of someone

‘They come to understand later that the very first emotion they had ever felt was called Anger. ‘ (man something about that just. Man)

Froog and Strength having fun,,,,,

Awwwww Witney is so cute,, she’s so excited,,,,

“Do I have to take yours away from you?” He warns. (Barrel?????? Geez this escalated quickly)

A midnight snack from the kitchen

NOO DONT SQUEEZE THEMM NO

“You did a bad thing Heart” ‘I did a bad thing’ (the fact that that so heavily influenced Heart’s own vocabulary hhhhhhhhhhh)

‘So this is what pain feels like inside this dreamscape. It hurts a little more than they bargained for.’ (Man it’s been like a week since u met these people geez Andrias pulling zero punches I see fuck)

STREEENGTH!!! YAY!! My beloved <3 these two are so Fucking adorable

SECRET KITCHEN LEVER

Maybe. But Heart does not like agreeing with her. (Damn Heart has exists for like a week and is already Full Of Spite)

THEYRE ALL SO NICE TO WITNEY RN GOOD IM ACTIVELY IGNORNING THAT THAT WONT LAST LONG JUST LET ME HAVE THIS

THE FOUR OF THEM.

So THATS why Heart and Wit can dual wield dreams and sleepwalking but Strength can’t- it never had to

‘They are not doing it correctly’ ‘After all, there is a difference between gentle touches and tenderness versus rough grips and punishment.’ (*SOBS* SCREAMING CRYING SOBBING HEART NO-)

THEY WERE SO CLOSE TO FIGURING IT OUT FUCK NO

NO DONT THROW THEM TO THE SAND DONT CRUSH THEM IN YOUR HAND NO STOP THEY DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG FUCK OFF ANDRIAS NO FUCK

HE STOOD ON THEM????? DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

‘Unbreakable is an aspect of themself they once took pride in. Now, they wish it were a lie.’ (You ruined a perfectly good gem is what you did, look at them they’ve got suicidal thoughts)

NO TERRIBLE AWFUL YOU CANT DO THIS ANDRIAS- DONT PLAY YOULL BE BACK TIGHT NOW HEART PLAYLIST SHIT

Hmmmm. Did the making the other person confirm they they love them happen in PMIT too? It feels familiar I feel like it happened with Marcy and Sasha? I might be wrong I’m not sure but I feel like it’s happened before

If I do a bad thing, if you punish me then, you have to tell me how much you love me. (MAN ANDRIAS YOU RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD GEM IS WHAT YOU DID LOOK AT THEM THEYVE GOT A SEVERELY WARPED CONCEPT OF LOVE)

Because every single one means I love you. (Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Because she participates in it. (THE FOUR OF US)

“Do you love me?” “No, no one here loves you Wit” (HELLO? OKAY??? WHAT?? Terrible awful return of the do you love me no format)

even before they processed the sudden thought of no, please do not hurt me. Then you will have to tell me you love me, and I cannot take it. You cannot love me. You have to love Barrel. (HEART NOOOOMBNN NO. Man i fucking. Just. Geez all of this is so. I don’t even. Man. fuck. What. Geez.)

They like to break things, they think. They like when things are broken, just like them. (Hhhhhhhhhhh)

Wit cries. Everybody watches, but nobody moves. Her breaths become hiccups, her eyes spill with tears, and she does not bother wiping her face as they all come streaming out. Nobody comforts her. (EVERYONE WAS BEING SO NICE TO HER THO HNNNMMMMM BABY NO PLEASE GIVE HER A HUG SAY YOU LOVE HER STRENGTH WAS RIGHT IT DOES LOVE HER IT LOVES HEART TOO FUCK SHIT HEART ITS FINE STRENGTH WAS SO CLOSE TO FIGURING IT OUT IT KNOWS THEY CAN ALL BE CHILL TOGETHER NO)

“If you don’t tell him the truth, i will” “you promised”(NO NOT THE TRUE COLORS REFERENCE-)

NO THE BELL NO FUCK SHIT FUCK OFF NO

“Accept it, you sniveling coward!!” (YES! Call him out! He’s a little bitch he deserves it fuck yeah insult him!)

“Were you happy Heart?”

HEART CHAPTER CLAP CLAP

Haha :^)

Yeah I’m. I’m not gonna count them so let’s just assume ur correct

BAHAHA NOOOOO NOT CHOKE

Barrel DOES have some Opinions.

THEY ARE.

NO I KNOW RIGHT. IMAGINE EXPERIENCING TRUE EMOTION FOR THE FIRST TIME THE VERY FIRST ONE YOU GET IS JUST PURE RAGE. I’d be fucked too.

Froog and Strength my beloved,,,,,

GOD I miss Younger Witney, she was so precious and sweet,,,, unfortunately she was brought into the WORST environment.

Yeah Barrel is. He’s hhhhhh sometimes. Sometimes? Often.

A MIDNIGHT SNACK FROM THE KITCHENNNNNNNNNNNN. AND GUESS WHATS IN THE KITCHENNNNNNNNNNN.

Andrias leave Heart alone challenge.

Yeah. Yeah… the whole “I did a bad thing” gives my body a visceral reaction now because all of the context behind it is so upsetting.

Andrias is Disturbing. Even more so when you consider that he held himself BACK from hurting his friends at first, only showing his true side in bits and pieces just enough that they wouldn’t have believed him capable of such, but the second he met little Heart who was all his, he just…gave in to all those terrible thoughts. And eventually, he found the willpower to spread the outright abuse to his friends too. Terrible.

Strength is so good I miss it so much.

SECRET KITCHEN LEVER!!!!

Heart thriving on Spite so true.

Haha remember when Witney had healthy, supportive ppl around her? I don’t :^)

And thus comes the Fourth reveal that I have tormenting y’all so with.

*nods head vigorously* Strength always had Froog to share control with. It doesn’t usually do so by itself.

Shhhhhhh *patpat*

You know I had such a hard time writing that scene. That scene where Andrias steps on them. It’s so heart-wrenching and disturbing a concept on its own, but what makes it worse is the fact that Heart describes the whole scenario with such pretty language and without a shred of resentment towards Andrias for doing so.

They had not known what sand felt like until they are thrown against it, a tiny pebble amidst a grand ocean of grains each once lower than they, and now they are buried in them as grit and dust sprays up into the perfect and serene ocean around them, distorting it with imperfection.

When they are scooped back out of the sand, those hands feel like a messiah. Grains slide and slip through the gaps of his fingers, but those gaps are not large enough for Heart’s tiny form to. He wipes the remaining grime from them with those fingers, holds them up proudly like he is displaying a trophy. 

It’s heart-breaking. And you’ll notice a stark contrast between the way Heart describes the abuse inflicted on them versus the way Witney describes the abuse inflicted on her when her chapter comes out. Witney gets graphic. Here you want a taste? Take a taste.

Her meager struggling weakens slowly as her eyes roll back and saliva dribbles messily from her lip and the fingers on her from the other side loosen, slip off.

Uhhhhh let me think. There ARE these parts?

“So what did you say to her? What kind of stunt are you pulling with this whole girlfriend thing? I can’t even tell if you really like her or you’re just playing games!”

Now that one, that one she was offended by. “ Of course I like her!” She snapped, stepping forward and subsequently forcing Anne a step back. “If you’re gonna accuse me of some bullshit like that, then you clearly don’t know your own friends at all .”

And this

I’m yours after all. And don’t you love me? Don’t you know how much I love you and Anne? The three of us have always been together, and even if we can’t be anymore, I’ll fight to my very last breath all for you. Only for you. 

But I can’t think of anything else 🤔 maybe we’ll find it later

YEAH FUCK YOU ANDRIAS YOU FUCKED UP MY BBY

:’)

FOUR OF US FOUR OF US

HAHAHAHAHAA THATS WHAT THIS WAS FORRRRR

It’s a lot isnt it.

:’))

In this scene I imagine Froog was too afraid to comfort Wit because she didn’t want any of them to get the wrong idea, and Strength was just kinda forced to go along with it.

Hehehe boy I sure do love referencing True Colors!

the bells! The bells! Are calling!!! Yeah on a scale of one to ten How Much More do you Hate the Kitten’s Collar comparison now?

Though there are none visible, the sound of jingling bells reaches her ears, like a kitten's collar to alert its owner to its presence.

YES I NEEDED TO LET BARREL CHEW ANDRIAS TF OUT HE DESERVES IT

I love how it just cuts off there it’s so funny I’ve been laughing for five minutes.

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 18]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; dom!seungcheol, dirty talk, car sex, filmed sex videos, using panties as a gag, but also panty stuffing, choking, domme!reader for like .3 seconds ☠️, after all the mess of last night(iykyk) i think we need this lol, but also a bit of a filler chapter for… reasons. 💕 but also came out raunchier than I anticipated but that was maybe just a me thing LOL 😭 as always, thank you for all the love and support with cherry bomb💕💕 only two more chapters left, I cant believe it... 😭😭😭 also again, another inbox roundup tomorrow! For now, enjoy ch 18 and have a great weekend! Be safe! ❤️🍒

not me editing the notes to include the ❤️🍒 that cheol just used on weverse 😩

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - x - x

“Did you get it?”

Jun looks around the diner as he nods, “Yeah. It got to my house yesterday but I still don’t understand why I had to help you get this… Does Seungcheol-hyung not know? I’m confused.” He laughs nervously, somewhat concerned he’s helping you do something you shouldn’t be doing.

You grin back at the confused male, blinking innocently at him while he chuckles under his breath.

“Not… for now. But don’t worry. He’ll find out! I just… Haven’t brought it up to him yet, is all! But I will! ‘Cause we’re planning something~”

Jun’s lips fall into a surprised ‘o’, eyes flitting to the group of people that enter the diner.

“I’ll be with you in a moment!” He yells, smiling before he turns to face you again. “So you’re scheming something but hyung’s just not part of the scheming… yet?”

“Exactly!”

“Hey, what do you say we go on a picnic date on Saturday?”

You tilt your head at Seungcheol, eyebrows raised. “I mean, I’d love to but we need to… post on Saturday? We haven’t filmed anything yet so I thought we’d film early on Saturday and then… y’know.”

Seungcheol grins at you from the opposite end of the sofa; eyes glimmering with a playfulness that has you mumbling a quiet ‘I see’ before rolling your eyes jokingly at the male.

“I see you’re scheming so the answer is yes, ‘Cheol, I’d love to go on a date with you on Saturday.”

“Good, ‘cause I already have everything set up for us so it would’ve been a waste!”

The two of you share a laugh before you’re remembering what you needed to bring up to Seungcheol. “Hey, by the way… about the channel rebranding thing.” Pausing, you wait for him to give you his full attention before you continue. “I thought maybe, we skip next week’s Wednesday show and instead we do a Friday show and for the last time, do a Saturday show and that’ll be, like, the rebranding? Is that confusing?”

Seungcheol nods along slowly, “No I know what you’re goin’ for. Any ideas for the shows?”

Your face and cheeks feel hot as you squirm, “Well… I had this idea. Why don’t we each… come up with a show concept. I’ll pick Friday’s show and you can pick Saturday’s and we’ll go with each other’s idea. Not, like, a competition but y’know, I thought it’d be fun for our viewers too! They can see what we come up with when each of us have control of the theme.”

Seungcheol goes quiet, contemplating his options. “And neither of us will know what the other’s concept is until the show?”

“Mmhmm! All within our hard limits though! That’s the only rule.”

A grin finds its way onto Seungcheol’s face. 

Oh, did he have ideas.

“Sounds fun. Can’t wait to see what you come up with, baby.”

‘Jeongguk I have a favour.’

Jeon 🥴: always favours wit u but ok, i havent been disappointed yet

Jeon 🥴: u keep me on my toes, it makes me tingly 

‘Shut up’

‘Do you have Jimin’s phone number, by chance?’

Jeon 🥴: I mean yea i do but…

Jeon 🥴: nvm i dont wanna kno

Jeon 🥴: but actually i wanna kno before i give it to u

‘Just give me the number and you can find out next Saturday’

Jeon 🥴: cryptic but i like it

Jeon 🥴: 82 13 1013 0613

Jeon 🥴: ur welcome

‘Thanks, Jeongguk, I owe you.’

The week continues with you and Seungcheol continuing to plan without each other; sly smirks and hushed giggles passed between you both even when Friday’s show comes and goes.

Saturday morning greets you with cloudy skies and pouring rain and you pout at Seungcheol as soon as you manage to get the curtains open to watch the downpour.

“‘Cheol, it’s raining… How are we gonna go on a picnic date now?” He bites the inside of his cheek as he thinks.

“We can still go on our date, we’ll just… stay in the car. It’s not as romantic as I would’ve liked but I already had everything set up for us and even packed a basket.” He laughs under his breath, a little deflated that the rain had suddenly come and ruined his plans.

There went his idea of fucking you on a big picnic blanket out in the open.

“I gotta say, even though we’re just chilling in your parked car on the hillside… It’s actually quite pretty out here, ‘Cheol! Kinda calming with the rain and all~”

The two of you stay bundled up underneath a blanket in the backseat; the car windows already fogged up with the warmth the two of you radiate.

Seungcheol had packed a picnic basket filled with various snacks and premade food; a sheepish smile on his face when he told you he wasn’t sure what to bring.

“I would’ve made food but I wanted it to be a surprise and I also wasn’t sure what would’ve been good to bring. Although, now I’m thinkin’ we should’ve packed a thermos of hot chocolate or something.”

You pull away from him slightly, pouting. “That would’ve been good to warm us up a bit. I totally didn’t think of it either…”

Seungcheol grins, wiggling his eyebrows at you. “Speaking of warming up…” He leaves the comfort of the blanket as he leans over to the side, placing his phone precariously on the phone holder that he’d set up on the backside of the driver’s seat to catch a side view of the two of you. He opens the camera app and quickly starts recording before he settles back into his place across from you.

“Well? Give it to me, baby. Right now.”

You feel a thrum of arousal pour over you at his sudden demand, “I--but--but I’m not p-prepped yet, I--”

Seungcheol chuckles, shaking his head slightly before he leans over you; making sure the two of you are within the camera’s line of filming.

“Baby, I just wanted a kiss.” Your entire face goes hot, all the way up to your ears. “O-oh.”

He leans in, soft lips pressing against your own as he tangles a hand in your hair to deepen the kiss. You melt into his touch, lips parting on their own as you let out soft moans that mix in with the pitter patter of rain outside.

His lips leave yours and before you can even get a word out, a shiver runs up your spine when he starts pressing soft kisses against your jawline.

“So pretty and all mine.” He mumbles; voice muffled against your warm skin. “And now everyone knows who you belong to, right, angel?”

You nod shakily, throat dry at the gentleness in Seongcheol’s voice. “Y-yeah… ‘m all yours, ‘C--Cheol…”

“Should I leave some reminders? Just in case anyone forgets.”

You mewl in response, eyes rolling back when you feel Seungcheol starting to leave love bites on your neck. He sucks on the skin, only to soothe it with his tongue moments after.

“A-ah, don’t l-leave so many or e-else…” Whining, you rub your thighs together under the blanket; already feeling the arousal starting to take over your body.

“Or else…? I wasn’t aware you were giving me orders now, baby.” He smirks against your skin, leaving one more love bite on the column of your neck before he pulls away.

He kisses you softly on the lips once more before he’s pulling the blanket off of you and tugging you onto his lap; a gentle, warm smile on his plush lips. Your lust filled eyes meet Seungcheol’s before they’re flitting down to your lap where he pushes your skirt up to reveal your panties and before you can fully comprehend, he’s already tearing at the material before he tosses it to the side.

“I want you to ride my cock just like this, baby. Forget the camera’s even rolling, I wanna see you getting off in the backseat of my car and I wanna see your pretty face when you’re falling apart from how good my cock fills up your pretty cunt.”

You rock your hips against Seungcheol’s; hands placed on his shoulder as you chase your pleasure.

“You look so pretty like this, angel. So fuckin’ cute when you’re getting what you want.” You moan in response, head thrown back when the head of his cock taps your g-spot.

“So fuckin’ wet for me.” Seungcheol pauses; hands snaking down your body until you feel them on the skin of your ass.

He squeezes your ass as you whine loudly, fingertips teasing at the puckered rim. “Ah, we should’ve brought a toy with us. Bet you would’ve liked both of your needy holes filled, huh?”

“Y-yes, fuck! S--Seungcheol!” You clench around his cock, bouncing in his lap harder when he pulls his fingers away.

“We’ll save it for another time~ Wouldn’t want to rock the car too much, y’know? And I’d want you to be comfortable when you have all your needy ‘lil holes filled, not in the backseat of my car.” He grins at your somewhat disappointed face; feet planted on the floor of the car before he’s thrusting up into you and matching your erratic movements.

“Oh, g-god, it feels s--so good! I, ah, w-wanna cum!” Whimpering, your brows furrow as your hazy eyes meet Seungcheol’s.

“Aww, my sweet angel wants to cum already? So fuckin’ easy. Only a few minutes on my cock and you’re already falling apart?”

When he smirks back at you; there’s a sudden pang of confidence that pours over you and in an instant, you move a free hand up to the column of his throat. You squeeze down slightly, only enough as a warning as he licks his lips at you.

There’s a beat of silence as the two of you stop your movements while you sit perfectly still on his cock.

“Hmm? Gonna choke me to shut me up, baby? Go ahead. Let’s see if you can.” He taunts, hands still on your clothed waist. You start swiveling your hips again, except this time you keep your hand loosely wrapped around his neck; fingertips only just pressing into the sides as he lets out a soft groan in return.

“I bet you’d like it t-too much, ‘Cheol…” He chuckles softly; nodding when he feels his cock throbbing inside of your pussy.

“Not as much as you do.” He starts thrusting up into you again, momentarily making you lose your hold on him when your body jostles from his harsh movements.

“Mmh, gonna cum in your pretty cunt ‘n then I’m gonna make you sit pretty with your fingers keeping my cum inside while I drive us both home. Fuck, bet you’d cum again just from that too. Sitting in the passenger’s seat, fingering my cum deeper into your needy cunt.”

Before Seungcheol can say any more, your other free hand quickly reaches for your discarded, torn panties; shoving them into his parted lips as he lets out a surprised noise around the fabric.

“You, ngh, t-talk too m-much…” You mutter.

Seungcheol can’t help but laugh around the fabric, quickly pulling your hand from around his neck as he swiftly maneuvers you off of his cock to switch your positions.

He presses you down into the backseat as he pistons his hips into you; his hands keeping your legs spread obscenely wide as he fucks you hard and fast.

The car rocks back and forth with his harsh movements and your moans only get louder and louder with each thrust of his hips that has the head of his cock slamming into your g-spot.

“Oh, fuck, fuck, ‘m gonna c-cum!” You feel your walls getting tighter around Seungcheol’s cock and he finds it harder and harder to thrust into you as your body starts to tense with your impending orgasm. He growls around the fabric in his mouth; eyes silently ordering you to cum as his hips start to lose rhythm.

“Ah, S--Seungcheol!”

His name rolls off of your tongue in quick succession until it turns into muddled, broken whines and cries and he fucks you right through your orgasm as he chases his own. He feels his cock throbbing inside of you as your walls flutter around him and he only manages a drawn out groan before he’s unloading all of his cum inside of you; head thrown back as he lets the waves of pleasure wash over his body.

You stare up at him through glassy eyes, chest heaving as you ride out the remnants of your high. “Ngh… gonna, mmh, make a--a mess on the s-seats…” Muttering, it takes a few quiet moments before Seungcheol is slowing down his thrusts to a complete halt but the glimmer in his eyes lets you know he’s not completely done with you just yet.

Seungcheol starts to slowly ease his cock out of you as you groan softly at the emptiness, waiting for the second you close your eyes to blink to make his move.

He takes his chance; pulling the soaked material from inside of his mouth just as the head of his cock is at your entrance and he quickly places the torn panties right where the head of his cock was, just a second ago.

“That was really cute of you, baby.” You breath hitches when you feel his fingers starting to press the material into your spent hole. “Really, really cute.”

Your thighs shake at the feeling of Seungcheol slowly pushing your panties into your cunt; eyes rolling to the back of your head as you let out shaky whimpers. “Oh, fuh--fuck, Seungcheol, mmh!”

“I actually packed a spare pair of panties for you, y’know? I was gonna play nice and eat your pretty ‘lil cunt out instead of letting you sit in cum soaked panties but I guess you had other plans, hmm? Got a little too greedy, perhaps?”

He smirks down at you, watching as your face contorts in unadulterated bliss when he pushes more and more of your panties into your pussy until only a small piece of fabric is left hanging out.

Seungcheol turns to face his phone that’s still recording, plucking it from the holder it’d been in before he flips the camera and films your body instead. He lets it linger on your fucked out expression before he brings it down to your pussy, filming your squirming body as you clench around the fabric keeping Seungcheol’s cum from spilling out of you and onto the backseat.

“Mm, and now you get to sit in the passenger’s seat, your own panties stuffed into your pussy while I drive home. But I bet it feels good, huh? Your needy ‘lil hole plugged up ‘til I can get you home so I can fuck you again. Unless you get really desperate, then I’ll let you take the panties out by yourself and you can finger your cunt and make yourself cum again.”

Goosebumps rise on your skin at his filthy words and you can’t help but bring a shaky hand down, fingertips already on your clit as Seungcheol raises a brow at you.

“You should get to d-driving then, ‘Cheol… Don’t you wanna find out what, ah, I choose?”

He shakes his head as he ends the recording on his phone; tossing the device to the side before he leans over you again.

“You’ve been getting really cocky with me, angel. Something I should know about?”

You blink up at him innocently, lips in a pout. 

“Nope~”

[djskrappydu]

2017 Year in Review

Photo credit: @seinfeld2000 twitter I probably need to write more than once a year. I also probably need to find a better medium than Tumblr, but alas here we are 2017. (You will not find “Despacito” or “Bodak Yellow” here.)

Albums

1. Lorde - Melodrama

Ella Yelich-O’Connor’s sophomore heartbreak rebound album is bursting at the seams with raw emotion. Lorde described the album as a concept of one long summer house party. She is motivated to go out to get over her ex. (“Green Light”) She gets too drunk and falls apart. (“Writer in the Dark” & “Liability”) She wakes up the morning after and decides this isn’t helping. (“Perfect Places”) Melodrama is an album of youth and heartache that brings everyone to where they were at Lorde’s 21 years of age. Best Tracks: “Green Light,” “Writer In The Dark,” “Supercut,” “Perfect Places”

2. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy

Josh Tillman has stated that Pure Comedy was written and completed before Election Day 2016. But it sure feels like he wrote the whole thing on November 9th, 2016. Without once mentioning the current flaming dumpster in chief, Father John Misty diagnoses America’s disease. The State of Our Union is self-obsessed, screen-attached, entertainment-driven and headed for ruin. If you thought this summary was grim, listen to the album. Best Tracks: “Pure Comedy,” “A Bigger Paper Bag,” “Leaving LA,” “Birdy”

3. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

I want to state firmly DAMN. is not K.Dot’s best album, honestly I’m not even sure it’s his second best album. It would be hard to ever match such a complex opus like To Pimp A Butterfly that we’re still trying to unravel nearly three years later. However, DAMN. is a very, very good album. It’s an album about success, struggle, race, hip-hop itself, roots and hard work. In a sense, DAMN. is a summation of Kendrick Lamar as an artist with pieces of all his previous work collapsing into a whole. Best Tracks: “ELEMENT.” “FEAR.” “LOYALTY. (featuring Rihanna)”

4. War on Drugs - A Deeper Understanding

War on Drugs is driving music. The long kind of drive where you know your ass will be glued to your seat for a while. It’s a drive through the plains where you can see the whole sky stretch across your field of vision. The songs are long and the riffs and solos paint epic landscapes. A Deeper Understanding sweeps you up in the massiveness of its sound like driving into the sunset. Best Tracks: “Strangest Thing,” “Up All Night,” “In Chains”

5. Waxahatchee - Out in The Storm

Looking through this list, there’s a large portion of break-up albums, but I guess that’s one of songwritings biggest inspirations. Well, here’s the second of four on this list. Katie Crutchfield’s heartbreak is a lot angrier than Lorde’s. She’s furious and hurt. Her pain cuts to the core. Crutchfield feels that she wasted so much time and energy on her ex. On Out In The Storm she bares it all and releases it, well, into the storm. Best Tracks: “Recite Remorse” “No Question,” “Silver”

6. The xx - I See You

After Coexist, the members of the English trio recollected themselves. Jamie honed his craft with 2015’s In Colour, Romy worked on songwriting with Ryan Tedder and Oliver got sober. On I See You, Jamie XX became the frontman of the band behind the decks and drumpads. The groups third album is their most upbeat, lively piece of work. The phrase “I See You” was a saying between the band recognizing each other beyond skin deep. Each members pain and joy can beheard in their voices, basses and samples. Best Tracks: “On Hold,” “Replica,” “I Dare You”

7. St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION

Here’s breakup album three of four. Annie Clarke’s fifth album as St. Vincent has been described as “Trauma Pop.” After a series of breakups including one with supermodel/actress Cara Delevigne, Clarke created a piece of pop art. While the album and cover evokes hot pinks and reds, the lyrical content is quite glum. On “Los Ageless,” she asks why fall in love at all if you’re bound to lose anyway. It’s a breakup album about witnessing your own pain rather than the path to recovery like Lorde or  driving your raw anger at the ex like Waxahatchee. Best Tracks: “Los Ageless,” “Slow Disco,” “Hang On Me”

8. Migos - C U L T U R E

The title says it all. The Migos are the culture. (It’s literally the opening line of the album.) Quavo, Offset and Takeoff are rockstars. After a dud debut album with Yung Rich Nation, Migos created a summation of their contribution to Atlanta rap culture, rap culture and culture, period. C U L T U R E elevates the Migos to icon status where they can pave their own lane and everyone will follow. Every track on this album had the ability to become a rap radio hit. Quavo and Offset have become the go-to guest versus as Lil Wayne was back in the late 2000’s. Fuckboy bowdown, don’t ever doubt that the Migos aren’t the culture. Best Tracks: “Bad and Boujee (featuring Lil Uzi Vert),” “T-Shirt,” “Big on Big,” “Get Right Witcha”

9. Dirty Projectors - Dirty Projectors

Breakup album four of four. After a five-year hiatus, Dave Longstreth returns solo since the album is mainly about his former bandmate and ex Amber Coffman. (Her album City of No Reply was also fantastic.) Still inventive, Longstreth utilizes dancehall and pop sounds to create a breakup album with a long-term scope about taking note of the past and moving on. Longstreth is a master storyteller recalling the relationship in whole on “Up in Hudson” Best Tracks: “Up in Hudson,” “Cool Your Heart (featuring DAWN),” “Little Bubble”

10. Amine - Good for You

Amine’s debut album is on par with Chance the Rapper’s Acid Rap. Hear me out. Both rappers sing and rap. Both embrace positivity over the rap majority’s sound of violence and anger. They rap about friendship and family (“Sundays”/ “Cocoa Butter Kisses”). Arguably, Amine’s hometown of Portland doesn’t face the crime rate of Chance’s Chicago. Amine, like Chance, seems to be paving his own lane. Good For You was arguably the most fun record of the year with great joy and self-empowerment. Best Tracks: “Yellow (featuring Nelly),” “Wedding Crashers (featuring Offset)” “Sundays”

Songs

1. “Perfect Places” - Lorde - Melodrama

Lorde discovers partying won’t make her whole by making a masterpiece of pop songwriting.

2. “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano” - Sampha - Process

Sampha and the piano are a simple, but soul-crushing duo.

3. “Strangest Thing” - The War On Drugs - A Deeper Understanding

“Strangest Thing” takes you like a tidal wave of sound rushing over head.

4. “Recite Remorse” - Waxahatchee - Out in The Storm

Katie Crutchfield builds on her anguish over her ex’s treatment of her over this ambient gust of a track.

5. “Pure Comedy” - Father John Misty - Pure Comedy

American society has become a sitcom unaware of its biting irony. This is the theme song.

6. “Up in Hudson” - Dirty Projectors - Dirty Projectors

Dave Longstreth recalls his relationship with Amber Coffman, seemingly in real time.

7. “Slide (featuring Frank Ocean & Migos)” - Calvin Harris - Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 1

Calvin Harris, Frank Ocean, Quavo and Offset take you to the funkiest beach on their sonic island.

8. “Half-Light (featuring Kelly Zutrau)” - Rostam - Half-Light

Rostam keeps his love and all of us warm with this beautiful romantic jam.

9. “The Story of O.J.” - Jay-Z - 4:44

Jay-Z reflects on race and how to escape the system through credit.

10. “Tonite” - LCD Soundsystem - American Dream

Aziz Ansari had a joke about the kind of music they play at the club. James Murphy must have heard that when he wrote this song.

11. “Los Ageless” - St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION

Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? Annie Clarke tries to shred her way to an answer.

12. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean

Frank Ocean flexes his rapping chops on his ode to his fluid sexuality.

13. “Big Fish” - Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

Teetotaler Vince Staples and syrup-laced Juicy J create a club heater over a glitch house beat.

14. “Turn Out The Lights” - Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights

The twenty-two year old singer songwriter builds it up and lets it bleed on this emo-folk slow burner.

15. “FEAR.” - Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

Kung-Fu Kenny lights one up and exposes the traumas of his childhood home in impoverished compton.

16. “Deadly Valentine” - Charlotte Gainsbourg - Rest

The French actress-singer repeats her vows over and over to art funk.

17. “Kept Me Crying” - Haim - Something to Tell You

The sisters Haim tell the ex it’s time to let it go and let them breathe over the heavy drums.

18. “This Old Dog” - Mac DeMarco - This Old Dog

Aging takes a toll on all of us, but the ever-goofy DeMarco keeps a hold on his younger self and his love for his Kiki.

19. “Crew (featuring Shy Glizzy & Brent Fiyaz)” - Goldlink - At What Cost?

I moved to the D.C. area this year. This is what it was like to watch a city receive an anthem.

20. “T-Shirt” - Migos - C U L T U R E

It was a daunting challenge to follow-up “Bad and Boujee,” but don’t you ever doubt the Migos.

21. “Mask Off” - Future - Future

An inescapable song that turned flute rap into a real thing. However, don’t take this song as a source of advice.

22. “Bobby” - (Sandy) Alex G - Rocket

The Philly singer-songwriter personifies his depression and tries to fight him off for love.

23. “Supercut” - Lorde - Melodrama

While the good times always seem to draw her back, Lorde knows she’s lying to herself to ignore the bad ones.

24. “I Dare You” - The XX - I See You

This song feels like a breakthrough for the XX. An escape from their depression bound to new-found love.

25. “Slow Disco” - St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION

St. Vincent leaves her old lover hanging in the wind under this orchestral cut.

26. “On Another Ocean (January/June)” - Fleet Foxes - On Another Ocean

Fleet Foxes return with a vast song about long distance.

27. “From The Dining Table” - Harry Styles - Harry Styles

The most recognizable member of the most famous boy band of the last ten years makes himself incredibly uncool and vulnerable.

28. “ELEMENT” - Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

K.Dot’s in the zone and no matter what he does he’s going to make it look sexy.

29. “Portland (featuring Quavo & Travis Scott)” - Drake - More Life

Drake, Quavo and Travis sound impossibly cool while stealing Future’s flute rap wave.

30. “Serve The Song” - Real Estate - In Mind

Real Estate commit themselves to their trade with the grooviest song of the year.

31. “Magnolia” - Playboi Carti - Playboi Carti

Playboi Carti and Pierre Bourne let it bounce in New York.

32. “Sundays” - Amine - Good For You

It’s important to take advantage of your leisure time as Amine’s sinks into the beat like we should all sink into the couch.

33. “You and I” - Toro y Moi - Boo Boo

Chaz Bundick elevates while finding love after a long search.

34. “A Bigger Paper Bag” - Father John Misty - Pure Comedy

It’s been hard not to think about that one person all 2017. Clearly, Josh Tillman had him on the brain too.

35. “Blu (featuring Damon Albarn)” - Mura Masa - Mura Masa

The Guernsey-born producer is so in love it hurts.

36. “Czech One” - King Krule - The Ooz

Archy Marshall fades into the night over this slow jazzy track.

37. “Midnight” - Jessie Ware - Glasshouse

Taking some liberties from Elton John, Jessie Ware reminds us that she can really sing.

38. “disco tits” - Tove Lo - BLUE LIPS (lady wood phase II)

The Swedish star songwriter is feeling herself almost way too much over this house pop banger.

39. “On + Off” - Maggie Rogers - Now That The Light is Fading 

The recent NYU grad and indie darling shows her promise and her changing moods.

40. “REDMERCEDES” - Amine

Amine rolls deep over a Missy Elliot style beat.

41. “Candles” - Future Islands - The Far Field

The deep-voiced, operatic Samuel Herring makes it sound sexy.

42. “The Bus Song” - Jay Som - Everybody Works

Take a saturday bus trip around the bay area.

43. “Undercover” - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage

Kehlani is going to get to her love no matter what especially with a little help from an old Akon joint.

44. “GOLD” - BROCKHAMPTON - SATURATION

The world’s coolest boy band flexs their gold chains over old-school beats.

45. “How To Talk” - Lil Uzi Vert - Luv Is Rage 2

Just because Lil Uzi rode his wave to a number one album this year, doesn’t mean you can’t hurt his feelings.

46. “20 Something” - SZA - CTRL

The TDE-singer doesn’t want to let her 20’s go to waste.

47. “Motion Sickness” - Phoebe Bridgers - Stranger in the Alps

The up-and-coming is in a fragile state after her break-up and she’s trying to keep her balance.

48. “Million Enemies” - Wavves - You’re Welcome

While this probably isn’t what the band was getting at, imagine what it’s like to be in Trump’s brain.

49. “Hard Times” - Paramore - After Laughter

The emo giants return after a tumultuous hiatus with this Talking Heads-style jam to help you get through the day to day.

50. “Wild Thoughts (featuring Rihanna & Bryson Tiller)” - DJ Khaled - Grateful

This is the sexiest song ever to be recorded with DJ Khaled also screaming over it.

Music Videos

Migos - “T-Shirt”

I’ve never seen The Revenant and I don’t see why I would now.

Tove Lo - “disco tits”

Not safe for work, not safe for puppets.

Charli XCX - “Boys”

Like this year, the girl flipped it on the boys.

BROCKHAMPTON - “GUMMY”

Every video by this group is incredible. This was just the one with a “plot.”

Kendrick Lamar - “ELEMENT.”

Every frame is a powerful photo and he made it look sexy.

Most Underrated Album

Harry Styles by Harry Styles

I think I know like at most two One Direction songs. It must be quite an advantage to make your album debut already being one of the most famous singers in the world. Sure, you could have made R&B that sounds like Usher and Drake *Zayn*, just decided to ripoff the already terrible Ed Sheeran *Niall* or you could just make the same boring pop music anyone else would make *the other two*. But you could say, fuck it I’m going to attempt to bring back rock and roll instead. I’m not saying Harry Styles is the savior mainstream rock needs or it’s savior period, but this record blew out all expectations with him trying to do so. Styles recreates himself as Mick Jagger, David Bowie and John Lennon over this underappreciated record. Best Tracks: “From The Dining Table,” “Meet Me in The Hallway,” “Woman”

Best New Act

BROCKHAMPTON

“Rock the boat like a one-eyed pirate/Rick James, I can get it on my eyelids”

“I used to deal with the grams until they put the cam on my face/Now I’m evading the law on a high speech chase.”

“DON’T. CALL ME. STUPID. THAT AIN’T THE WAY MY NAME PRONOUNCED/DON’T CALL ME CUPID. I GOT TOO MANY HOES RIGHT NOW!”

What if I told you these were all lyrics from a boyband? Then let me introduce you to the one-of-a-kind style of BROCKHAMPTON. The group is the way should be America should be. Members of every race, religion, nationality and sexuality. A multi-faceted machine with members doing every kind of creative role. These guys work fast. By the time you read this, their third album of the year will be the days away. Unfortunately, it’s going to be their last, allegedly. (You can still catch them on tour through the beginning of 2018.)

The best part of BROCKHAMPTON is that this 20+ member group is having more fun than most of us probably do in our whole lives. The beats, flows and rhymes are all insanely creative because it feels like their just riffing in the garage. None of the videos don’t fit any strict narrative. People are saran wrapping PB&J to their face, bouncing in sumo suits and just hanging with a llama. The world needs to be more like BROCKHAMPTON.

Best Non-2017 Song Discovered This Year

“Ripple” by The Grateful Dead

I went to college in Colorado for four years. When everyone else was getting into the Grateful Dead, I stupidly shied away. I knew the basic, “Uncle John’s Band,” “Friend of the Devil,” “Truckin,” “Shakedown Street,” etc. This past June I joined a friend and his frat brother to a Dead and Company show at the Jiffy Lube Live amphitheater. Needless to say, I left with a tie-dye shirt of cartoon Jerry driving a VW Bus.

[qutemag]

The movie guy reviews: Transformers -- The Last Knight

Article by Benjamin Harkin

Here we are. Every critic relishes this review, and many online have already let forth the torrent of bile that Transformers: The Last Knight deserves. Every Transformers movie I go in hoping I’ll be somewhat surprised that the movie reaches a baseline of ‘okay’, and bar maybe the third one which was brighter, more colourful and contained John Malkovich, every time I walk out frustrated and despairing. People say Michael Bay is an auteur – an auteur of what? Glorified tech demos? Showing off what the Industrial Light & Magic team can do? Because that’s all these movies have going for them. This is evident with the multiple aspect ratios, that’s right, IMDb records this movie showing three different aspect ratios, and another place thought the trailer had eight. You have black bars darting all around the image as the movie crops itself to fit around funky new cameras Michael Bay wants to toy with for the sponsorship. It is the weirdest, most distracting shit to see a movie switching aspect ratios all the way through for no discernible reason.

The film feels like six films meshed into one, or perhaps six plot threads focus-grouped into oblivion and smooshed together in a way that made some executive in a high-backed chair shift lazily in their seat to turn off the preview footage and say “fuck it, that’ll do” for the three editors to hastily clip together in something resembling a two and a half hour film. There’s the scene with a post-apocalyptic New York, ravaged after the climax of Transformers 4, with Transformers living in hiding of the anti-Transformers defense force set up to catch them, now that Optimus Prime is paralysed, orbiting the earth in a shell of his former self. Some foolhardy boys break into a ruined stadium with a giant jet engine ploughed into the field, saying self-aware bulldust like “we’re kids, we always get away with stuff!” Yes, that’s a fucking line in this movie. And not the worst by a mile. Then prowling the streets, looking under rubble, they run into a Transformer hiding itself under scrap. Couldn’t radar easily detect the hulking masses like Transformers for the military to destroy? Apparently fucking not, if a Transformer hides among some rubble, that’s a-okay. The kids then run into a girl, a strong-willed, adventurous-sounding 14-year-old who’s making her own way among the debris jungle and a close friend to this Transformer that gets mortally wounded by a fighter jet trying to save the kids. And do you think Bay uses this setup to anchor the film with a young heroine, make a movie that takes a U-turn on everything that the hypermasculine, Megan Fox-ass loving, dumb as a post joke-making crap that has defined his Transformers series? Fuck no, all the boys dialogue towards this girl is along the lines of “wow…she’s hot!” and “Are you single?” Fucking gross and sad is all I can say. Michael Bay can’t wait to get started on the explosions, objectification, and immaturity. The young girl doesn’t do anything of note in the movie, hell, I can’t even remember her name. She gets sidelined at the halfway point, literally left behind in a junkyard with her BB-8 rip-off robot. Michael Bay instead wheels out the contractually obliged Megan Fox stand-in to be the impetus for Mark Wahlberg to do something in the movie and crack a few lines about how single they both are. Wahlberg was probably given acting advice to approach the character by showing a face in deep thought over how utterly hot it would be if he and the Oxford tour-guide Megan Fox stand-in lady banged with the Transformers watching.

“Are you single?” proves to be a theme in this movie, more than any kind of motif or any of the half-mumbled prattling about values that Optimus Prime manages to heave out of this exhaustingly mind-numbing, overbloated movie. Characters are defined by whether they’re single or not, not whether they fight for honesty, or freedom, or love, or caring for friends, or whether they want to be friends with giant robots. Nah it’s the fact that Mark Wahlberg and Megan Fox stand-in in this movie are on steroids and the camera treats them like they’re perpetually posing for Tinder. Characters from earlier in the series, like John Turturro, make manically unintelligible appearances to rant about doomsday situations. A physics scientist gets laughed at when he tells the president the world will end in roughly three days. Optimus Prime manages to awake himself out of being basically a dead robot to shoot himself somehow across the galaxy onto his home planet of Cybertron, which he knows was destroyed but fuck it, why not go there for refuge? And why not fall back to earth if you’re a dead shell of a Transformer? Nah, the logic in this movie is adverse to science or plot logic, or continuity, or good filmmaking, his dead body can float across the galaxy instead! Cybertron is now run by some Sorceress Robot Woman who twists Optimus into getting Cybertron fixed as a planet by colliding it with earth to suck up the planet’s core. Fucking who knows. Cybertron somehow flies across the universe in the time it takes this movie to skim across five other unresolved plot threads, like why Mark Wahlberg has a spiderly amulet thing that’s super powerful and what he is actually supposed to do with it, or what the whole deal was with the three-headed dragon robot that appears at points throughout the film, or why Megatron wants to break out his mates Suicide Squad-style or why the humans are willing to work with Megatron who was the bane of everyone for the previous four movies, or why John Goodman’s cigar-chomping Transformer gets blown up by rockets and falls over, presumed dead as the camera cuts to a new scene, then he just randomly reappears later on, or why Bumblebee fought Nazis in WWII. And the location used for the scene of Nazis being blown to smithereens, full with Swastika banners draped over the looming building? That my friends is Winston Churchill’s house. I’m sure Britain’s favourite wartime leader, known for everything Hitler was not, span so hard in his grave he tunnelled to the earth’s core.

Stanley Tucci plays a drunk Merlin in a flashback to the Dark Ages, for reasons never fully explored, despite being another character in the present for the previous movie. The Great Tucci Retcon. Oh and there’s Anthony Hopkins too. A wisened masterclass of an actor, made remarkably awkward and a total caricature for a man who used to be Hannibal Lector. He’s in this, 110% for the paycheck. Bay makes him say ‘duuuude’ and ‘that’s a bitch-ass car!’ because it’s cool to make grandpa say hip things sometimes. He has a robot butler assistant who’s also a borderline homicidal maniac for reasons that are never explained. He also has a WWI tank Transformer who has ‘robot-dementia’ or whatever which is an interesting concept far too intriguing for a movie this unforgiveably terrible so the Transformer is yet another sidelined idea in a litany of focus-grouped half-baked brain farts.

The entire movie is unfunny, every joke (and there are heaps, all undercutting the otherwise dead-serious grit and aimed at the lowest denominator possible while conscious) hits like a fucking sledgehammer wielded by lemurs on crack, rushed in delivery, painfully without any semblance of cleverness or wit, the setup too predictable and the payoff so fucking moronic, with editing so poor in timing that a joke about the butler robot playing the sweeping Transformer themes on an organ to give the scene a gravitas was completely lost when Anthony Hopkins cranked his sad, demur grimace up to the butler so slow you could’ve gone to the bathroom and back and the joke would still be playing out. I’ve said it once after Pain & Gain and I’ll say it again: Michael Bay cannot direct comedy and he shouldn’t. For whatever reason the gift of a funny bone doesn’t materialise in the filmmaking process.

The fight scenes are meh. Every one lacks any weight because frankly you don’t give a fuck about any of this while watching. You don’t care which Transformer fights which because they’re all so underutilised and shallow that you could probably get more pizzazz in banging your stapler against the computer mouse on a slow day at the office. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how half these scenes of metal clunking against metal were storyboarded. And they don’t mean anything either, Transformers are rarely shown actually being killed, and yet the ones shown dying without any fights or lead-up (because the editing is god-awful and rushed) are full on bleeding weird green blood which is probably too violent for a young kid, which is where this gritty, dark-looking, yet oddly cartoonish spaghetti-works is squarely aimed.

I should probably end this review somewhere. This sounds like a good place. I could go on and honestly, part of me felt the usual catharsis of a critic tearing a big-budget Hollywood mess to shreds, and giving the finger to this kind of spiteful, audience-hating focus-grouped piss that flows through the summer action blockbuster gate from time to time, but another part of me doesn’t feel that catharsis. Instead, a part of me feels a silent rage, because I know this review, or any other review, or any of all the people who happen to see these movies for what I could only describe as sheer self-flagellation and tell everyone else it is complete garbage, it won’t stop Michael Bay making Transformers, and it sure as hell won’t stop the franchise. Somehow this is what gets bankrolled over those millions of other screenplays of what could be great action blockbusters. Michael Bay has said he’s stepping down from the Transformers franchise, but that’s what he always says. Paramount have two more Transformers movies lined up for the next two years, they see this as being able to grow out into yet another expanded universe franchise with Bumblebee getting a spin-off movie. I know this is useless, this review. It’s just words screamed into a void, a void of producers and executives running endless focus groups, workshopping the movies through too many editors and writers and camera lenses for maximum 3D so everyone can spend the biggest amount of dollars possible. Because this is the thing: Michael Bay doesn’t care. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t care. Anthony Hopkins doesn’t care. Maybe the digital effects people care. All the people involved in this production, they watch the finished product and I’m sure that no matter where they thought their part was going, they were a little deflated and depressed by it too, especially the fifth time around, but they can forget about their shame at the end of the day. Because they’re all getting their paycheck and a contract for Transformers 6, and you’re doing yourself out of the $20+ you spent to see this rotten film.

(Transformers: The Last Knight is currently showing.)

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2: 16th December 2018

There’s more of them. Why? Why must there be more of them? How many Christmas songs do we need? None of the 12 we have on the Top 40 can even really make a play for the number-one spot (“thank u, next” being the Christmas #1 would be disappointing, though), so it just feels like we should be applying the same rules we do to artists who have more than three songs debut in the top 40. Three Christmas re-entries every week, at max – not only do we get less of them, but it’ll be more telling of what are the most popular ones, and we won’t have songs that never go anywhere break chart records. Did you hear that, Shakin’ Stevens? Sigh...

CHRISTMAS NONSENSE

#36 – “Driving Home for Christmas” – Chris Rea

Who’s Chris Rea? I don’t know, really, he was a guitarist, apparently? From what I can gather, this is his only lasting impact because after a peep at his discography page, I can’t remember much from this dude at all – and sadly, being best-known for this song is not a great first impression. It peaked at #33 when it was initially released in 1988 (although it was written in 1978), however has since returned to the UK Top 40 every year, peaking last year at #14. I hear this one all the time and while I was just about to trash it for being plastic and too polished to really work, I mean, all Christmas music is, right? Judging it from that perspective means that I can more specifically complement the joyful, light chirpy piano melody and the nice acoustic guitar plucks running throughout – especially the occasional riff. I do like Rea’s raspier voice and the song’s well-written and doesn’t seem dated (would have sworn this song was made in the 2000s before today, although that may just be the animated music video that I’m used to seeing), and that’s pretty much all you need to ask for a Christmas track, so since this one does more, I’m not complaining about this returning – good enough song.

#33 – “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” – Wizzard

I credit the band as “Wizzard” but it’s really “Wizzard featuring vocal backing by The Suedettes plus The Stockland Green Bilateral School First Year Choir with additional noises by Miss Snob and Class 3C”. Yeah, there’s a bunch of children choirs here that used to be credited but are now left to the wayside, just for us to gaze at in the video as the poor kid gets picked up and sang with before the song ends and Roy Wood kicks him out, quite literally. They recorded and wrote this song in August too, so their producer decorated the studio and gave lead singer Roy Wood a fitting hat from lost-property. Oh, yeah, and I’m still unsure who really owns this song, there was a brief dispute between EMI and Warner Bros over it. This classic initially peaked at #4 in 1973, and has come back every year since. Now, I love this song, not because of how well-written it is like “Fairytale of New York”, not because of the production such as in “All I Want for Christmas is You”, but mostly because of how joyful it is – despite being really tongue-in-cheek. It starts with a cash machine for God’s sake, they were clearly aware of how much of a sell-out and cash-grab a Christmas rock song was, and wrote a saccharine song with all of the elements of a Christmas song, including the crisp horns and the children’s choir, of course. Wood’s vocals here are pretty great, and there’s some proper groove to the production – I’m surprised this one never met the US Hot 100, to be honest. The instrumental bridge with the strings rising in intensity while clashing both the choir and keys is just beautiful, and I personally find it hilarious how much effort they put into perfecting something that they knew was just easy money. The sax solo in the background in the penultimate chorus is pretty cool, and Roy Wood shouting “Okay, you lot, take it!” in a growling voice is iconic. Oh, and it has whatever the 70s glam-rock equivalent of a beat switch is four minutes in that is just abrupt and unnecessary, but I’m not bothered by it, it lasts like 15 seconds.

#28 – “One More Sleep” – Leona Lewis

This is a much more recent track yet still has become somewhat of a staple. Leona Lewis is an X Factor winner who made a Christmas album in 2013, with this being her lead single and almost her revival as her last single had failed to chart and her last album did relatively badly in comparison to her two previous, so what’s better to revitalise your career than a Christmas tune? After peaking at #3 in 2013, it hadn’t re-entered into the Top 40 until 2017, but now has returned, so we can safely assume we’ll be seeing this one for years to come. Leona Lewis’ performance here is pretty great albeit subtle, over some pretty non-descript yet effective Christmas pop production. The drums here are really punchy, and with all the sleigh bells and whistles added such as the horns (I’m not sure why everyone uses these for their Christmas songs, but it works) it is pretty well-produced if anything, and I’m not going to say it isn’t catchy (and that’s it’s only real purpose). I’ve actually never heard this one in full before, so I was surprised that this wasn’t mediocre, but it’s not great either. I appreciate it though, we need some newer Christmas staples.

#22 – “Step into Christmas” – Elton John

This song makes me feel like I’m on a whole lot of drugs. Yeah, to put it bluntly, but disregarding how much I love that guitar riff a lot, and the steadier beat, as well as how well-written it is, there’s so many repetitions of that one hook that it just gets to me and almost hypnotises me. I know how Christmas songs are kind of supposed to work like that, but this one is nearly five minutes, and although there’s definitely enough change for it to stay appealing and have the necessary breaks in the joy, it feels like it never stops. It’s just a neverending slog of a really good song being ruined by playing it four times in a row. This song needed to be two minutes and 28 seconds, but it might as well be three times that, because it’s mind-numbing. Like, seriously, Elton, shut up. Look, we get it, the admission’s free, that’s cool, but your Christmas song you’re welcoming me into feels way too much like Paul McCartney’s for me to have any fun. Seriously, have you heard “Wonderful Christmastime”? It’s the same concept, except the song that is being repeated ad infinitum isn’t a good song to begin with. The method clearly works though, because it initially peaked at #24 in 1973 and had a new peak last year at #11. Now, before the conclusion, what’s happened to the rest of the Christmas songs not in the top 10?

Christmas Climbers

“Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up five spaces to #30, with “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” reaching #26 after a 13-spot increase. Similarly at #21, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens has increased by 15 spaces. In the top 20, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is up 14 to #16, right next to “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid up 11 to #15. I’m not entirely sure if we’re counting Dalton Harris’ cover of “The Power of Love” featuring James Arthur as a Christmas song, but in that case, it collapsed by 15 positions to #19.

Christmas Conclusions

There wasn’t anything really bad here, but Worst of the Week goes to Elton John for “Step into Christmas”, with Dishonourable Mention not being given at all – again, nothing is all that bad. I guess Honourable Mention can’t be given either hence Best of the Week goes to Wizzard for “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday”. Now, let’s return to the “normal” half of the charts:

Top 10

Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” is still at #1 without seemingly any competition other than a 1990s Christmas song by Mariah Carey. Yeah, I’d hate this to be the Christmas number-one because I honestly don’t think songs without any relation to the holiday get that. Heck, even “Perfect” last year by Ed Sheeran had a video about the holidays.

Also not moving this week is “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max at the runner-up spot.

Honestly, this top three seems too stable for Mariah Carey or Wham! to break into it. “Without Me” by Halsey is also not moving at all at number-three.

“Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus jumps up six spaces to number-four.

Of course, at the tail-end of the top five, up one space from last week, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey. I do want to add that this a top five without any credited male vocalists. Yeah, Mark Ronson is credited as a primary artist because he produced the track, but males produced every song here, it’s just good to see a top five full of pop girls this year.

Down one position from last week is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne at number-six.

Up seven spaces is “Last Christmas” by Wham! at number-seven – I guess this COULD make a play at number-one, but I doubt it’ll have a bigger peak than last year considering the death of George Michael was two years ago at this point, and that’s the main reason for its spike in popularity last year.

“Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down a spot to number-eight this week.

Thanks to the release of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, the R&B tie-in single, “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, survives in the Christmas avalanche, with a seven-spot rise to number-nine.

Finally, to round off the top 10, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is up eight positions from last week, now at #10.

Now, just like last week...

What Survived

Anything that has drops or climbs less than three spaces aren’t mentioned. Any new arrivals, Christmas songs or top 10 entries aren’t mentioned – but otherwise, this is quite literally the rest of the top 40. “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie is down three to #11, “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson has the same fate at #14, “Close to Me” by Ellie Goulding, Diplo and Swae Lee is up four to #17, “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez is down nine to #18, “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is down three to #20 (I’m surprised it’s still here), “Better” by Khalid is down three to #23, “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra is somehow up eight spaces to #25, whilst “A Million Dreams” by P!nk is down eight spaces to #27, “1999” by Charli XCX and Troye Sivan is down five to #29, “Polaroid” by Jonas Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella is down eight to #31, “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is down a surprising 12 spaces to #34, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down six to #38 (although I feel this will rebound in January), “Shotgun” by George Ezra returns to #39 (did his album get discounted or something?) and finally, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish is also down 12 to #40. I’m surprised it’s lasted as long as it has.

What Suffered

“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo had its streaming cut I take it, as it has dropped out from #12 (just as I started to like this much more, unfortunately), while “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez is out from #27 (good riddance), “MAMA” by 6ix9ine featuring Kanye West and Nicki Minaj is out from #29, “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker is out again from #31, former #1 “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is finally out from #38 and “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee and Maluma is out from #40 – probably because it wasn’t on the album. Speaking of...

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “whoa (mind in awe)” – XXXTENTACION

Yes, I’m disgusted by what I’ve heard of XXXTENTACION’s first ever posthumous album, SKINS. The song with Kanye and Travis Barker, “One Minute”, which they seem to be pushing as the second single, makes me want to throw up and “BAD!”, which we reviewed a few weeks back, is pathetic and lazy, but more importantly, unfinished. I know that even X, who is infamous for not developing his music, would add something to “BAD!”, for better or for worse. Honestly, I’ve been trying to escape the album to not fund and hence dignify what the label is doing, but I have to hear this one, so, sure, I’ll say, this seems at least promising. I like the little marimba line, I think it’s unique to hear in trap, but XXXTENTACION’s lyrics here aren’t exactly very memorable, mostly because he mumbles all of it, but mostly because he says “whoa” more times than I can count on one hand. The bass and trap skitter actually really works here, and to be honest, this beat, although barebones, is pretty damn good, although X trying to say something being “like whoa” is not as meaningful as he’s trying to play it, and honestly this song just doesn’t exist, does it? It’s nothingness. It’s mostly instrumental and I can barely hear the dude anyway. I can’t give this any title like Best or Worst of the Week because it’s our only new arrival this week, so it’s like a 4-5/10, to give you any idea of how much I like it.  

Conclusion

That was it, that’s our only new arrival. How anti-climactic. This won’t be the last time I see you, there’s a new REVIEWING THE CHARTS on the 23rd, but since I doubt anything Christmassy will really happen there, happy holidays, everyone. See ya next week!

[butchedyke]

answer questions 12-41! (:

omg alrighty let's go12. Who told you they loved you last?surprise surprise, my girlfriend13. Your worst enemy?a girl who was in my year at school who was a literal piece of shit. started drama not once but twice in our year's facebook group because she was a homophobic asswipe and i literally cannot stand her14. What is your current desktop picture?i think it's a cute tiled yuri on ice wallpaper15. Do you like someone?i've had a girlfriend for three years so.... yeah.......16. The last song you listened to?whatever was on the radio in the car i think17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?richard spencer tbh18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?also richard spencer19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?no one. bad question. moving on20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)probably my hair??? idk it's pretty cool21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?BAD QUESTION MOVING ON22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?i don't really keep my talents secret???23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?it's not super unique but alcohol/drunk people. i don't have an overly valid reason for it but it's a massive trigger and the only Specific thing that will set me off into a panic rip in peace24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.tbh probably my old subway order before i found out gluten makes me sick (foot long meatball sub on italian herb and cheese with lettuce onion pickles olives and cucumber with ranch dressing)25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?probably irresponsibly26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?somewhere in europe, maybe france?27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?nope28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?communism29. What is your favorite expletive?i'm always partial to a good strong Shit, although fuck is also a good word30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?i'm going off the assumption that my phone is already in my pocket and tbh it'd probably be either my laptop or my stuffed alpaca or my wii u31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?THAT ONE TIME I GOT BLASTED IN THE FACE AS A TODDLER BY ONE OF THOSE WATER FOUNTAIN PLAY PARK THINGS WHERE THE WATER SHOOTS UP FROM THE GROUND THAT FUCKING RUINED ME I CANT GO WITHIN LIKE 50M OF THOSE PLAYGROUNDS WITHOUT FREAKING OUT32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!please remove me from this hell country and take me to like......... england or some shit idk somewhere away from the heat and the fires and floods on alternating days33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?this is a very loaded question, probably either my dog who passed away late last year or my uncle who passed away early last year within a few days of us finding out he had late stage cancer34. What was your last dream about?rip i keep a note in my phone with dreams i remember and according to my last dream was this lengthy affair that i have copy and pasted:"i went to a one direction concert except it was a small venue and more like a community theatre than a concert hall?? zayn was there and apparently he had made a comeback but i missed it but he just kinda was there halfway through and also the weeknd was there but he didn't perform he sang like one word in one song and i messaged a friend like IM AT A ONE DIRECTION CONCERT AND THE WEEKND IS GONNA PERFORM but he never did and then in the intermission i wandered out and there was someone signing autographs on a shirt except it was just some random girl promoing her snapchat like she was writing "please follow me on snapchat at _____" but i had actually already done it bc she was at some convention i went to???? then i went over to look at the merch stand or smth but there was no merch and there were pieces of paper to like,,,, leave feedback or smth and idek i was just kinda like nah not doing that then on the way back in i went through a back door into the theatre because it was less crowded i guess idfk and harry showed up and i said something and he gave me a hug and wandered off. after intermission they started a song except louis was meant to open it and he wasn't there and everyone was like ???????? then he just kinda came up the aisle halfway through the first verse with a microphone and singing. after the concert i went out into the foyer and there was a bunch of people milling around but like,,,, small venue, not very crowded so the boys were just happily sitting at a table near the """merch""" stand chatting with the weeknd"35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?i'm sure i am36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?a few times, i used to have seizures on rare occasions (three or four in my whole life) and i went into hospital for each of those and also that time i broke my thumb when i fell off my bike on bike safety day37. Have you ever built a snowman?HA no i saw snow for the first time in japan in late november last year, there was nowhere near enough for snowman building38. What is the color of your socks?i'm not wearing any socks it's 10:30pm in the middle of the australian summer39. What type of music do you like?mostly pop, lowkey shitty 90s/2000s pop punk and occasionally for a bit of variety classical, mostly bc i've been in a brass band for nearly 10 years and it's good studying music40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?sunsets lmao sunrises are an okay concept except they're so early41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?caramel or strawberry i think? it's been so long since i've had a milkshake i want to die 0/10 would recommend lactose intolerance