#when he decided to hold onto yu tangchun and yu tangchun said Fuck You

[tytangfei]

the way that zhan junbai used psychological warfare and blackmail on jiang yuelou and chen yuzhi, using their loved ones against them, enjoying the show of his enemies go against one another and struggling, and then for his beloved yu tangchun be relentless and unforgiving toward him is just such *chef’s kiss*

[killerandhealerqueen]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ What can I say? Zhan Junbai could have been a person capable of knowing what to do with love but instead he only knew power and violence. Sentiment was meaningless to him, he always said so. But then he was holding onto prayer beads as he took that final act. A selfish act of revenge? Or is it because that's all he knows of love and life? To destroy, and destroy... Or maybe to get his own revenge (not just at Jiang Yuelou but at life itself for how he himself ended up), and the revenge perhaps of the owner of those prayer beads, too.

God, am I getting sentimental over this bastard at 10:18 at night? You bet your fucking ass I am.

God, Zhan Junbai could have been so much more if he had grown up in a loving household. He could have become Jiang Yuelou, who even despite his circumstances had Bai Jinbo and his wife to love him and take care of him and show him how a real family worked. But no, he got stuck with a shitty fucking war general hell bent on taking over fucking Jing City. And that's all he's ever fucking known.

And it's awful to think about because Zhan Junbai wanted to be loved! God, he wanted to be loved so fucking bad, by somebody, anybody. He wanted to experience whatever else got to experience and finally Yu Tangchun came along and gave him that chance! The chance to feel something other than violence or rage and the lust for power!

But then, then, life and his uncle decided to fucking show up and rain on his happiness and say that no, you can't be happy, you can't be loved, you can only have power and violence. That's all you've ever known and that's how it's gonna be and you just have to live with it. So Zhan Junbai reverts back to how he was before he met Tangchun, because let's be honest with ourselves, we all saw that there was a slight change in Junbai, however small, there was a change.

So yes, I do think that Zhan Junbai was getting revenge on life because why couldn't he be happy too? Why did Jiang Yuelou get to be the only person who got his happy ending? Why couldn't he have his happy ending too? Why did he gave to have the shitty life that he had? And I suppose he took his life as a selfish act as well because he wanted to be with Yu Tangchun that badly, considering that he was holding his prayer beads when he ultimately took his life. He didn't have to do that, but he did. And I suppose by holding the prayer beads, it was a way of him connecting with Yu Tangchun one last time, almost as if he was saying, it's okay, you can pull the trigger. You said you wanted to be the one to kill me, so now's your chance. We'll be together soon.

Fuck you Zhan Junbai for making me feel things this late at night...you and every other killer and healer make me emotional as fuck...damn you all