#when he wasn't always writing songs about his emotions or mental state yet

[menlove]

thoughts on the song "you've got to hide your love away" ?

oh SO many. it's a beautiful song & you can definitely hear a lot of dylan's influence in it. it's an interesting one to me bc I can see it several different ways. like Of Course as a fellow dyke w my fags in arms I hear even the phrase "you've got to hide your love away" from a man in 1965 and my eyebrows go up to the clouds. & there certainly Could be some of that I think, whether he Was actually having an affair w paul (or any other man really) or just dealing with internalized homophobia.

but for MEEEE I think what compels me more about it is just like he said about it, he's trying to convey his emotions more in his writing instead of just projecting himself into situations (which started with if I fell and THAT makes me crazy) & the sentiment of "you love too much and too hard and you've got to hide that emotion because people will laugh at you" is incredibly sad & also does say a lot about him & go a long way towards explaining some of his actions in really Any relationship he was in, whether it's about a man or a woman or whoever. if Anything it just goes towards my (& many others lmao) conviction that that man would get a bpd diagnosis.

it's certainly... well I can't imagine a straight man writing that song & fully understanding the feeling, but more than that to me it's just an interesting look into his insecurities & head at the time re his own emotions

[ncity-carrotcity-tancity]

Maniac part 1

maniac masterlist ao3

You always had the biggest crush on Jung Jaehyun, ever since elementary school. So when you start dating, it feels like you're on heaven's cloud.

But what happens when he breaks your heart and a sarcastic 6ft tall boy is there to pick up the pieces ?

-a maniac by conan gray inspired fic-

pairing : johnny x gn reader ; jaehyun x gn reader

tags : au college/university - fluff - enemies to friends to lovers - slow burn

warnings : nothing

part 1 words : 2k

total fic words : 50k

Tell of your friends that I'm crazy and drive you mad

That I'm just a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath

Then tell them you hate me and dated me just for laughs

so why do you call me and tell me you want me back ?

You maniac

You weren't even trying to wipe the tears away, just letting them roll on your cheeks.

You probably looked miserable but you didn't care, it was the first time you let all the emotions loose and allowed yourself to cry over that asshole. He didn't deserve a single tear you shed, but you had repressed yourself from crying for days and keeping all these feelings bottled wasn't good for your mental health.

So you granted yourself a moment of weakness, knowing no one would be there to witness it.

The door on your left suddenly opened and you jumped, startled.

Who the fuck came at that time of the day here ?

You recognised Johnny, one of Jaehyun's closest friend.

You sighed. There was something nearly comical about this situation.

He was carrying a very heavy box with a lot of sport material in it.

Your eyes met and you tried to hide the best way possible how red yours were.

"Y/n..." he stated awkwardly.

_____________________________

You were trying really hard to hide your emotions but the simple fact of thinking about Jaehyun reciprocating your feelings lit up your whole day.

Slown down sugar, you don't know that yet.

You pinched your lips to stop them from extending into a smile.

"Are you okay ?"

You jumped.

"Fuck Chris, you scared me to death !" you exclaimed, turning around to see your best friend.

"Have you seen yourself ? You're staying put in the middle of all this crowd with an idiotic smile. The fuck is wrong with you ?"

You couldn't hold back your excitement anymore, you grabbed his hand and brought him in an empty hallway.

"We have just started working on solo songs in my drama class and you know how I practiced 'I dreamed a dream' ? Well I did it today in front of the whole class and he complimented me. He told me I had a very pretty voice and that he would love for us to do a duet ! Chris ! He gave me his number !" you scream-whispered.

"You're shitting me ! Did you text him yet ?"

"I was waiting for a few hours not to seem desperate. Tonight I'll send him a text."

"Do you know what to write yet ?" he excitedly asked.

"Just greet him and let him do the hard work," you giggled.

"Smart bitch. You have to let me know how it goes ! Yeji and Mark are gonna be so jealous you told me first," he added side smiling.

"Well you're the first I found, I couldn't possibly hold it until we saw them."

_____________________________

You dropped on your bed after having changed into your pajamas and sighed.

Mark and Yeji were indeed very jealous that Chris had been the first one to know. And they obviously harassed you with questions and suggestions on what to do.

You were happy to be back home in your house clothes and hot chocolate in hand.

You took out your phone and unlocked it, staring at his contact.

You pressed the message button and wrote a very short text. Not a minute passed before you got an answer.

Fuck, was it a mistake to wait that long before texting him ?

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Your heart was jumping in your chest.

You had liked Jaehyun for years now. You went to the same middle and high school and now college and you had always had a secret crush on him.

He had always been quite the popular kid, becoming captain of the football team in high school and having the main role in every school production. He probably didn't even know you went to school together... Everyone was heart eyes for him but he wasn't that much into dating and all his exes were kinda freaks... but nothing mattered anymore. You were texting him right now.

_____________________________

You texted the whole evening and it was honestly unbelievable how perfect he was.

You agreed on so many levels. You were falling way too fast.

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This was the last straw.

You were going on a date with Jung Jaehyun tomorrow evening.

You locked your phone, trying to process what was going on. You suddenly got up and started to jump on your bed in excitement.

You fell on your back, a laugh of pure euphoria escaping your lips.

Love was really messing with your brain.

_____________________________

You had had the hardest time falling asleep the previous night, rehashing your conversation with Jaehyun and doing scenarios of how the date could go.

You spent all day thinking about it and the fact that you told your friends, showed them the texts, didn't help.

The last hour of class was the worst though. You couldn't for the love of god focus on your lesson, constantly looking at your phone to check the time.

When the clock finally struck 5pm, you jumped off your seat, grabbing all your stuff and rushing to the front of the class. You looked for a text from Jaehyun telling you where to meet him but there wasn't any.

You rose your head from your phone and started slowly walking to the exit.

A hand on your shoulder stopped you.

"Hey there, someone told me you were free for the next few hours. Wanna hang out ? I just happen to have a place booked."

You turned around and tried your best to hide how red your cheeks were.

"Hey Jae," you whispered.

He grabbed your hand and pulled you with him. He was wearing a big case on his shoulders.

"What do you have inside of this ?" you asked, indicating it.

"Wouldn't you like to know ?" he answered without even turning around.

You took the metro, talking about how your day went and whatsoever, his hand never leaving yours.

He was always smiling softly, accentuating his pretty dimples.

You were on heaven's cloud.

You walked to a café. It was very cute, with lots of pastel colours, flowers and pastries. You stood there for a while, joking together, talking about everything. It felt like you had been friends for a long time, it was so easy to be with him.

He then decided to leave, telling you he had something else planned. You managed to pay for the drinks, which he was very unhappy about, but you left laughing at the face he made when the waiter told him you had already paid for everything.

He led you to a park and took a blanket out of his backpack. He let you sit first, then joined you, holding out a chocolate for you.

"I like being here, it's very calm," you stated with a smile, grabbing the chocolate and unwrapping it.

"Thought you would like it," he grinned.

"Are you going to tell me what's in there..."

He giggled, amused.

"You are really impatient, aren't you ?" he told you with a knowing look.

You scoffed.

"Well I think I can know now !" you replied.

"I was about to open it, but I actually think you're not ready yet," he stated mischievously.

You gasped and poked his shoulder.

"Do you want to get something out of me in exchange ?" you exclaimed.

He just stared at you, without answering.

"So ? What do you want from me ?"

"What do you have to offer ?" he asked, his eyes burning you, making your cheeks become red.

You stood there, looking into each other's eyes for some very long seconds when he suddenly turned around to grab the case and you snapped out of it.

"I feel generous, so I am going to show you what's inside."

You shook your head in disbelief and he smiled, proud of himself.

He took a small piano out of it and put it in front of him.

"Do you wanna sing ?"

You were stopping yourself from excitedly jumping around. A date at the park with a piano ?

He played a few songs, letting you sing most of the time. You were enjoying this a lot, it was way too perfect.

"Alright, why don't you sing a bit ? I feel like I've bearely heard your voice !" you invited him.

He nodded and started to play. You recognised Lauv's "I like me better" at the first few notes.

You looked at him play and sing passionately and tried to hide how affected you were. You liked him so much.

This moment was so beautiful, the sun slowly setting, the blue sky taking a purple shade and him singing with his wonderful voice.

He played the last notes of the song and rose his eyes to look at you. Something made you shiver.

He took off his jacket and put it on your shoulders.

You were staying still, too scared about what your body would do if you moved even an inch.

As he was adjusting the collar, he grabbed a strand of your hair and put it behind your ear. As he did that movement, he approached his lips to your cheek and left a very short kiss, retracting to watch your reaction. His hand was still cupping your face, you pulled on it slightly to make him come closer again and his lips found yours softly.

Your brain was shortcutting, you didn't understand how all of this was real and therefore decided to not think about it and just get lost into it.

You stopped kissing and looked at each other, both trying to hide your smiles. He laid on his back and grabbed your hand as you followed him to the ground, watching the beautiful pink sky on top of you.

It was so soft, it felt magical.

_____________________________

He walked you home, hand in hand, telling you some lame pick-up lines as you laughed happily. You took some quick glances at him, marvelling at how wonderful he was. His bare face, brown hair long enough to fall into his eyes having him shake slightly his head to push them back, his simple fit. He was simply breathtaking.

"Say pretty, wanna go to the cinema this weekend ?" he asked with a grin.

You excitedly nodded.

"Of course !"

"Cute," he cooed and you elbowed him.

He dropped you in front of your door, kissing you one last time.

"See you tomorrow, precious."

You felt like your whole skin was melting out of your bones every time he used a pet name.

He turned around, ready to leave but you grabbed his wrist and pulled him in, hugging him.

"Thanks for today Jae, it was perfect," you muttered against his chest.

He giggled.

"I'm glad you liked it," he said, grabbing your chin and having you look at him, his finger rubbing cicrles of fire on your skin.

You pecked his lips and he kissed you back, with a smile.

"You're so pretty."

"You are so pretty, are you kidding me ?" you retorted in disbelief.

He chuckled and you kissed him again.

"Text each other ?" he asked, with a spark of hope in his eyes.

You nodded and he kissed your forehead before breaking away. He waved you goodbye and you headed back inside.

Was this real ?