#when house tried to open the wine or whatever with the sword? i literally got saved by the dinner alarm beeping

[1-800-i-ship-it]

ToG Characters on April Fools

(if u think im procrastinating by doing this, ur absolutely correct) this is supposed to be purely entertaining, you are free to disagree with me 

Shibisu: tries to pull a prank on everyone but 9 times out of 10 probably fails, Hatz really doesn’t get why he tries to hide his swords and replace them, it literally never works. (rip to every year he loses a tracksuit to disaster dye...everyone has way too much fun messing with his tracksuits that he seems to have an infinite amount of.  

Rak: poor guy gets pranked every time with fake bananas...he has become very wary now, but the first time he bit into a plastic banana he chased down many, many turtles. legend says they never returned again, fearing the mighty chibi spear bearer who now has a bigger affinity for chocolate bars instead. 

Khun: how the hell do you even prank this guy??? answer: you don’t. (I mean, unless you have moronsexual energy + are bam) very, very good at planning out elaborate pranks...the prank war he had with Hatz was absolutely insane and Khun won by a landslide; Shibisu tried to butt in many times but they just ignored him :’) really good at making you feel like something’s off and by the time you figure it out you would have realized you have already been pranked. 

Bam: honestly you can’t even prank him you would feel way too bad about it...I mean like, this kid literally. ate grass. like, just straight up ate this yellow plant thing from the ground to test what it is. idk what he’s made of, but probably something better than litmus paper. prank tests probably won’t work on him? he’s prob just going to absorb them somehow. 

Yuri: oh hoi oh BOY does this lady pull THE BEST PRANKS. poor Evan always gets dragged along with her and her shenanigans, groaning and mumbling the whole time, but he secretly enjoys her company, even though he now has many more targets on his back because of her. definitely one of the most extra pranksters out there (will definitely paintball the walls outside of your house and toilet paper it and bake something that looks marginally good but definitely has something sketchy inside...mildy poisonous mushrooms? 3-day-old leftovers? you never know. 

Maschenny: probably Yuri’s and Khun’s equal when it comes to pranks. think she will forget pranks you pulled on her before? think again. revenge is a dish best served cold....that’s all you need to know. don’t get on her bad side or you’re screwed, save for the fact that she practically already hates everyone, so good luck! if she favors you she just probably hates you even more so you best get ready for April 1st and do your best to survive. 

Hachuling: definitely on par if not above Yuri’s and Khun’s and Maschenny’s pranks. has his own style and is always nonchalant about everything but will probably be silently laughing to himself when you fall for his pranks, inevitably. just does it for funsies cause he thinks it’s amusing. 

Lero ro: literally the only guy with braincells left on this godforsaken day lmao. good luck trying to prank him he will probably see it coming from a mile away, much to Quant’s chagrin.  

Hansung Yu: literally has the :3 face the entire day like wtf is this mans problem?? could probably prank everyone really well but only does it once in a while. besides, he always replaces the coffee with horrible instant coffee anyway. never falls for pranks either like damn does everyone want to sock his smug bastard in the face. 

Evankhell: try not to get burnt or get on her bad side. you can’t run away forever, unfortunately. 

Urek: loves pulling pranks, collabs with Yuri sometimes to Wreak Havoc and then promptly gets scolded by Garam, probably. Garam doesn’t even have the heart to pretend to say yes when he asks her out inevitably on April Fool’s. 

Hwaryun: the silent prankster who you will forget about if you don’t pay attention. watch out cause she’s coming for you and it will well-thought out, very much so, on par with all of the khun family’s pranks. 

Anaak: oh god the prank wars between her and Ran...just run away as fast as you can, the fight’s about to break out at any second whenever they’re in the same room. both don’t care about other people’s pranks except whatever this feud is between them. 

Wangnan: don’t ever, ever open the pokeballs he gives you on this fateful day. I warned you. 

Miseng: watch out cause she’s got ALL the blackmail material AND the photoshop. no escape cause she’s got pics of literally everybody. don’t underestimate this smol bean, she can go feral. 

Rachel: just salty about everything, probably leaves eaten chip bags on people’s desks but everyone’s already learned that they contain nothing inside. is this a metaphor? maybe. 

Parasol: oh god this poor guy everyone loves pranking him so much. I mean, can you blame them? the faces he makes are hilarious and god-tier meme content. I’m sorry pickle, your fate awaits you every year on April fool’s, and you cannot escape. 

Jared-19: pulls very bad offensive pranks and then gets hurt when people tell him to stop doing so, proceeds to blame it on someone, repeat cycle. 

Eduan: lmfao goddd F all his wine gets replaced with weird substances...courtesy of the khun kids. grape stash taken away, hidden somewhere, far, far away. 

Kallavan: can’t even joke about being disloyal to Jahad...does this guy ever crack a smile?? 

[houseisekai]

House Isekai: A Realm Reborn - Prologue

It has been two years since House Isekai last fought side by side. Everyone has moved on with their lives, growing as people, as well as fighters.

However for some, it has left them nothing to do as they sit around. These thoughts are the first thing that springs to mind for Kazuma...

[Dead Broke - Konosuba OST]

Kazuma sat on the chair, tapping his fingers against the armrest sighing loudly.

No one was in the house currently. Megumin was off casting explosions with Yunyun, Darkness, surprisingly, was off doing Noble duties. And as for Aqua...

Who the hell knows what she was up to right now?

(Kazuma) “So...god damn...BORED.”

He slumped back on the couch, grumbling to himself. Nothing sounded particularly entertaining or stimulating right now.

Kazuma got off and began pacing back and forth trying to think of something.

This was the fourth week in a row he had done nothing. At first he loved it. Then it hit him, there was no one at home to even talk to since they were off doing their own thing.

He had gotten exactly what he wanted, peace and quiet.

Now, he had too much of it. There was no devil king to defeat, no quests to do, no one to even have lunch with. No world to sa-

...No. Definitely not that.

Kazuma had that experience too many times. Granted, it was only twice, but it’s not like he wanted a third.

(Kazuma) “GOD DAMN IT!”

He kicked the table leg in frustration, which only made his foot hurt and made him swear even more.

Kazuma shook his head and went into the kitchen. He swung open the pantry, trying to find any bottles of wine-

They were gone.

Why the hell were they go-

(Kazuma) !!! “THAT BLUE LITTLE BITCH.”

Aqua took all of it. Literally all of it. Even the ones he thought he hid.

To say anyone outside could hear him would have been an understatement. Anyone in a 50 mile radius could feel his anger.

He made one last scream of pure unadulterated anger before he fell to the floor, ready to cry.

There was literally nothing to do. Nothing at all.

...

...

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

(Kazuma) “...The hell?”

He sat up, feeling a vibration in his pocket.

Raising an eyebrow, he reached into it and pulled out a small crest.

(Kazuma) “When was this in my-”

It was a tiny badge of House Isekai’s logo.

(Kazuma) “Man...That’s something I haven’t thought of in a while...Wait a second, we never had anything like this, why the hell is it in my pocket?”

Beep! Beep! Beep!

(Kazuma) “...How do I make it shut up?”

He tried poking it.

Beep! Beep! Be-

He tried poking it multiple times. Except harder.

Beep! Be-

(Kazuma) “...”

He put it on the table, took a deep breath, then crushed it with his fist.

SLAM!

DING DING!

(Kazuma) “Thank go-”

BZZZRRRRRT!

Kazuma was about to scream before he heard a voice coming from it.

[Arcana Code - Fire Emblem: Three Houses OST]

(Familliar Woman’s Voice) “-...questing immediate assistance from anyone that can hear this. If you are able, please arrive at Garreg Mach. This message will now repeat.”

(Kazuma) “...The fu-Sitri?!”

(Sitri’s Voice) “This is Sitri Eisner of Garreg Mach Monastery. House Isekai, we are requesting immediate assistance from anyone that can hear this. If you are able, please arrive at Garreg Mach. This me-”

Kazuma was shocked to hear her.

He thought that whole deal with House Isekai was a one and done case. They’d team up and whatever, then save the day, then piss off, never to hear each other again.

(Kazuma) “FINALLY SOMETHING TO DO!”

He got up excitedly before it dawned on him. Going back to Fodlan meant it could be really really annoying. Especially depending on who shows back up.

Though...it could mean something like last time could happen.

(Kazuma) “On second thought:”

Kazuma sat down in his couch, refusing to get up.

...

...

...

...

...

(Kazuma) “...Oh for fucks sake-”

He mumbled to himself as he got up and put his adventurer gear on. He grabbed his trusty sword and dagger and headed out the door, grabbing the badge.

(Kazuma) “Let’s go already...Actually, how do I even...?”

There was no Tower in Kazuma’s world. Since Aqua wasn’t here, he wasn’t even sure how to get to Fodlan to begin with.

Kazuma brought out the small badge and stared at it, looking for a button.

After a few minutes, he found nothing.

He scratched his head and held it up close to his mouth.

(Kazuma) “Er...this is Kazuma, I can help?”

Immediately, a portal opened up in front of him, the other side showing a reflection of Zanado.

(Kazuma) “...I swear Slayer, you can make the weirdest shit.”

He stretched his arms before going through the portal.

Once he was through, the portal closed behind him and he was inside a room covered in crystal.

(Kazuma) “Is this...the tower?”

(Familliar Girl’s voice) “Kazuma?”

Kazuma turned around and saw the others that had arrived.

[Musica Universalis - Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers OST]

(Towa) “Oh my gosh, it really is you!”

(Rean) “Hah, long time no see, Kazuma.”

(Aigis) “It is good to see you.”

Kazuma smiled and waved his hand.

(Kazuma) “Yo. I see you guys grew up a bit.”

Towa and Rean were now wearing white uniforms, looking a few years older. Rean at least did, Towa was still as small as ever.

Aigis was now sporting a black business suit. At first glance you couldn’t even tell she was mechanical. And instead of a bow, she now had a tie.

(Rean) “What about you? Doesn’t seem like you changed much.”

(Kazuma) “No I...Pretty much...didn’t...”

He had spent one part of the two years actually doing something eventful. The remaining time had wasted it away doing pretty much nothing.

(Kazuma) “Anyways, why did Sitri call us in? Any of you guys know?”

(Towa) “Oh, so you heard that message too!”

Everyone took out a similar badge, like Kazuma’s.

(Aigis) “I do not recall having this before we left Fodlan.”

(Rean) “Well, I think Slayer had something to do with us having this. He DID develop that call system after all.”

(Towa) “I suppose we’ll ask later. We need to get to Garreg Mach, the message sounded pretty urgent!”

(Kazuma) “Right, right...How do we get there?”

Rean looked at his hand and shrugged, deciding to try his idea out.

(Rean) “Valimar?”

Valimar’s voice could be heard throughout the entire room.

(Valimar’s Voice) “Yes, Rean?”

(Towa) “Oh wow, it worked.”

(Rean) “Could you teleport us to Garreg Mach from the Tower?”

(Valimar’s Voice) “Affirmative. Do you require my presence as well?”

(Rean) “No, that won’t be necessary. Thank you.”

A portal opened up once more, and it seemed like it was directly outside the monastery.

(Aigis) “Convenient.”

(Kazuma) “Ugh, we gotta walk...”

(Towa) “Oh come on, it’ll be just a short one! We’re right outside the gates.”

(Rean) “Let’s head out. I don’t think anyone else is coming for right now.”

Everyone went into the portal, and it slowly closed behind them.

...

Hangar, Thor’s Military Academy Branch Campus

Valimar was about to deactivate once more before seeing the members of Class VII walk up to him.

(Juna) “No one else is here, right?”

(Altina) “Correct. It is just us.”

Nodding, Juna turned to Valimar.

(Juna) “H-Hey. Valimar?”

Valimar’s eyes flashed green.

(Valimar) “Class VII. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

(Ash) “Mind explaining what the hell Rean just did?”

(Kurt) “Yes, did he and Instructor Towa just...walk through a portal?”

(Valimar) “Affirmative.”

(Musse) “Is...that normal for them?”

(Valimar) “No. It has been two years since he and the original Class VII used it.”

They all looked at each other, confused.

(Ash) “Hey, open a portal for us too-”

(Kurt) “What? Why would you want to-”

(Musse) “I wanna know where Instructor Rean went! Maybe its where he gets so strong.~”

(Ash) “Actually yeah, good point. I was wanting to follow just for fun, let’s do that instead!”

(Altina) “Data shows that this will end badly-”

(Ash) “Too late, open it!”

(Valimar) “Hm...I suppose if you are in their hands...Very well. Opening portal.”

Garreg Mach Monastery, Gates...

[Life at Garreg Mach Monastery - Fire Emblem: Three Houses OST]

BING, BING BING BING, BONG!

Classes had been dismissed for the day, so the entire monastery exploded into a hub of activity.

Rean, Aigis, Towa, and Kazuma walked through the gates, getting a rush of nostalgia.

As they looked around, most of the damage had been repaired, though there were still some workers fixing rubble here and there.

The four of them walked up to the entrance hall, they didn’t see even a single familiar face.

Even the gatekeeper was someone new. Upon closer inspection, the guards appeared to be from all three nations, Alliance, Kingdom, and Imperial soldiers.

(Kazuma) “Place has certainly changed, huh?”

(Towa) “I had no idea they were able to get things working this fast again in just 2 years...”

(Rean) “Maybe we can ask around, excuse me!”

(Imperial Guard) “Hm?”

(Rean) “We’re looking for Sitri Eisner?”

(Imperial Guard) “Sorry fella, she’s busy.”

(Aigis) “With what?”

(Imperial Guard) “Can’t say. Outsiders aren’t allowed to know the inner workings of Garreg Mach for security reasons.”

(Kazuma) “Outsiders? Ungrateful little, WE-”

(Rean) “-ARE so sorry about him, thank you so much for your time.”

Rean and Aigis held Kazuma off before he could explode into a rant, Towa bowing in apologies, then they left further into the entrance hall.

(Kazuma) “Why the hell did you hold me back?! Outsiders my ass, we’re the ones who saved Fodlan!”

(Aigis) “It is advised we keep our voices down. We do not know what the state of Fodlan, given current data.”

(Rean) “A lot can happen in two years after all...”

(Towa) “We should just look around anyway, we know Garreg Mach like the back of our hand!”

As soon as they stepped through the gates, all of them stopped dead in their tracks.

Lamp posts were put alongside the sidewalks, with a massive hangar in the distance being where the Cathedral used to be.

And outside of the Cathedral, several massive stone golems were walking out, armed with swords. In fact, they looked like rougher versions of Valimar.

Some of the guards had glowing armor with what looked like small cannons on their shoulders.

One guard had a crystal pulled out of his pocket, and displayed a screen of information to him, something straight out of a science fiction novel.

In a fantasy world that relied on magic.

Even the students appeared to have these devices on them.

(Rean) “...Huh.”

(Towa) “Me and my big mouth...”

(Kazuma) “What the fuck?”

(Aigis) “I do believe I am processing an error?”

...

Sitri entered the room and everyone went quiet as she moved to the center.

She took a moment to look at the students in front of her. There were only five, but these were supposedly the best of the best of the three houses.

(Sitri) “Kairos, Astrid, Helena, Elizabeth and...Stefan, yes?”

(Kairos) “Yes ma’am.”

(Astrid) “That’s us!”

(Helena) “Yup.”

(Elizabeth) “Oh good, you took care to remember my name!”

Stefan put on his helmet before responding.

(Stefan) “Yeah, you got it right.”

Sitri nodded clearing her throat.

(Sitri) “Then let’s get started.”

=====

Every end marks a beginning:

The end of the Church, leading into Fodlan’s restoration.

The end of House Isekai, leading into...

A Realm Reborn

=====

[Raise Your Flag - MAN WITH A MISSION]

Raise your flag With all your voice With all your voice Shout it out loud with all your voice One day Someday somewhere Dream on as we wander Under pressure, you are waiting for direction Going on the road without your mind All misleads they give ignoring our decisions Killing yourself your soul we have inside Continue the struggle and feel like you're discouraged Rise up again to run to the end In between the never-ending dream We can struggle and muzzle the world before it fades away Raise your flag With all your voice With all your voice Shout it out loud with all your voice One day Someday somewhere Believing that we will reach that goal Come on and Raise your flag So just Raise your flag No matter how many times we feel defeated or lost As long as we breathe As long as we carry on Dream on as we wander

[emperorsfoot]

While everyone celebrates their victory over the Horde, Glimmer mourns the loss of her mother. 

And a remnant of the Horde tried to launch a last ditch attack against the Princess Alliance. 

Glimmer’s reflection gazed despondently back at her from the surface of her drink. She ran a finger around the rim of the glass. A sparkling wine. White wine, technically golden in color. The light and tiny bubbles in her reflection just seeming to add to Glimmer’s own natural sparkle.

All around her everyone was happy. They just defeated the Horde. Hordak’s Sanctum was destroyed, the literal heart of Horde Command was gone –along with its Commander by all reports. Lord Hordak was nowhere to be found. The Horde was no more. They had won!

Glimmer should be happy.

Lifting her head from her glass of undrunk wine, she looked at the empty seat next to her.

The Queen’s seat at the high table. Angella’s seat. Her mother’s seat.

Empty.

At first Glimmer didn’t want to believe Adora when she said Queen Angella was gone. Trapped in the portal between worlds. After all, Angella hadn’t come with them to Horde Command. When Glimmer and Shadow Weaver teleported out of Bright Moon, they left Angella behind. She couldn’t have been there. She shouldn’t have been there!

And the story Adora told! It was so absurd! An alternate reality created by the portal collapsing. Reality constantly changing and re-writing itself as time collapsed. The only two people left at the end of the world were Adora and Angella, and whoever removed the sword was doomed to stay. It was completely ridiculous!

Glimmer did not want to believe it.

She flitted and flashed through the whole palace, teleporting in and out of every room, corridor, chamber, hallway, workroom, storeroom, basement, and attic. She looked in the kitchens, she looked in the stables, she looked in the throne room, in the council chamber, in her mother’s private rooms, in her own private rooms, Adora’s room, Bow’s room, the spare room they repurposed as a prison cell. Everywhere. Glimmer looked everywhere for her mother.

But Queen Angella was nowhere to be found.

As Adora said, she was gone.

Not dead. Not technically. But still just as permanently gone.

It was hard for her to celebrate the defeat of the Horde when it came with such a high personal cost to herself.

Bow and Adora slid in on either side of her. Adora was careful not to bump or jostle Queen Angella’s chair.

Glimmer knew that it was not Adora’s fault that he mother was now gone. Adora had not killed her. Adora had not asked her to retrieve the sword for her. Angella made her own decision. But, still… on some level. On some low, base, and dark level, Glimmer might still blame her friend. Not consciously. Certainly not intentionally. But somewhere deep down, insulated from intelligent thought, where primal feeling reigned.

Adora was sensitive to this and took extra care around the late Queen’s things. She did not want a repeat of her first ever strategy meeting with the Princess Alliance wherein she unknowingly sat in the late King Micah’s chair.

Bow placed an arm around Glimmer’s shoulders. Adora reached for her friend’s hand, but the other woman pulled away. She knew Adora meant well. But she was not the one Glimmer wanted comfort from at the moment.

Honestly, she wasn’t even sure if she wanted comfort at all. Glimmer was in a sort of numb, insulated state. She didn’t feel much of anything, because she knew the moment she started to feel things she would feel her mother’s absence, and her own guilt over the tensions and strains in their relationship.

Adora pulled her hand away, avoiding eye-contact.

A tense silence settled over the Best Friends Squad. None of them felt much like celebrating their victory over the Horde.

“How’s the wine?” Bow blurted out. Desperately needing to break the atmosphere. “I’ve never had wine before. My dads don’t let alcohol in the house.”

Wordlessly, Glimmer slid her glass of sparkling white wine to him. She wasn’t drinking it. Someone should.

Picking up the glass by its delicate stem, Bow took a small sip. Then made a face of displeasure. “This tastes like its turned.”

Wine was not as great as all the grown-ups of Etheria made it out to be. It was bitter. Almost like medicine, but without the promise of health afterwards.

Adora reached for the glass. “Let me try.” She asked. “Before I defected, the Horde would sometimes give us beer. I wanna see how wine compares.”

When Bow passed her the glass, she chugged its contents in one long gulping sip. As if she were used to a room full of rowdy soldiers chanting ‘chug, chug, chug’ as it passed down her gullet.

“Wow! That’s way sweeter than beer!” She announced once she was finally able to take a breath.

“Have as much wine as you want.” Glimmer pushed back from the table. Standing, she stomped out of the party.

Perfuma and Frosta gave her curious or questioning looks as she passed, before looking up to Adora and Bow. Silently asking if she was alright. It was not protocol for the hostess to retire from a party when its barely just begun. Not that protocol was a significant concern at the moment. This was not a formal diplomatic event like the Princess Prom. This was a victory celebration. People could do what they wanted.

Nobody tried to stop Glimmer as she exited the great hall.

But Adora did chase after her. “Glimmer! Glimmer, wait!”

Bow gave a bit of an awkward smile, barring his teeth at the room. “C’mon, people, this is a party!” He called over the crowd. “Turn up the music! Let’s dance! We defeated the Horde!”

Taking Perfuma by the hand, he spun the both of them until they were in the center of the dance floor. They continued to move together until others joined in, either with a partner or by themselves. Moving to the music and celebrating the fact that the Horde was gone.

Yes, the victory was at a cost, but nothing in life worth having came without cost. There would be time to mourn Queen Angella, and after the appropriate period of mourning, Glimmer would be crowned Queen in her mother’s place. But right now was for celebrating.

Bow dipped Perfuma dramatically, before twirling her around and letting her go. She went spinning into the arms of Mermista –whom was actually trying to fend off Sea Hawk, not catch wayward blond damsels. The two blinked at suddenly finding themselves in each other’s arms. But Mermista quickly adapted, smirking with triumph. Sea Hawk was successfully deflected.

The musical pyromaniac sea captain looked downcast and slunk away.

Shadow Weaver watched all of this with mild amusement. It was nice to be among young, happy people again. Everyone in the Horde was always so… grim. She stood, observing the party. Holding a wine glass of her own but unable to drink it without taking off her mask. She laughed at Perfuma’s antics and Sea Hawk’s expense.

Castaspella slid next to her, perhaps to reconcile their difference –Shadow Weaver had been instrumental in rescuing She-Ra and defeating the Horde- or just to reminisce about the late Micah.

The party back on track, disturbance forgotten, and everyone enjoying themselves again, Bow ducked out of the great hall after his two best friends.

He found them both standing on an observation balcony. Glimmer, slouched over the railing, looking out over the landscape of Bright Moon. Adora standing close behind her, one arm outstretched as if to offer a comforting hand, but hesitating.

Bow came up on Glimmer’s other side. “We all miss your mom, you know.”

“I know.” Glimmer muttered, speaking more to the open landscape sprawling out before her than her actual friend.

“I never really got the chance to get to know her very well.” Adora admitted. Queen Angella was welcoming enough, but she always seemed to keep Adora –the defected Horde soldier- at a bit of an arm’s length. Only allowing the younger woman in past her emotional barriers at the very end, in the depths of the portal. “But she seemed like a strong woman. And she loved you very much.”

“I know that!” Glimmer snapped. Pushing off the railing she was slumped over to glare at her friend. “I know she loved me! She was my mother!”

Adora took a step back. Growing up in the Horde, emotions were seen as weaknesses. Adora never really learned how to offer comfort or support because to give comfort and support to a comrade in need was to make yourself appear as emotional and weak as they were. The idea of comforting a grieving friend was still relatively new to Adora. Something she only started learning after she took up permanent residency in Bright Moon. “Sorry, I’m just trying to help.”

Glimmer turned back to the balcony view, not wanting to look at either of her friends. “I know that. I’m not mad at you.” She tried to assure the other woman, not looking at her. “I’m just… I’m just mad. Let me be mad.”

Opening her mouth, Adora looked like she was about to say more. But Bow placed a hand on her shoulder, silencing whatever it was she was about to say before it could get out.

“Sometimes people just need to feel things.” He told her. Then to Glimmer, “We’ll be inside if you need us.”

Bow dragged Adora back inside to the party.

Glimmer slumped down onto the railing again, resting her chin on its smooth, highly polished surface. It sparkled almost as brightly as she did. Everything in Bright Moon sparkled. Just looking at the palace, at the water, the mountains, the Whispering Woods, one couldn’t tell that they’d just lost their Queen.

Heck! Standing inside the late Queen’s own palace you couldn’t tell they’d just lost their Queen! Not with the way everyone was dancing and partying in the great hall.

Glimmer hated it.

Why should everyone else be happy when she was so very, very angry. Not at anyone in particular. Just at the situation. At the victory. At the portal. At the sword. At Hordak for inventing it. At Entrapta for making his half-assed invention work. At her mother for spending almost the entire war trying to play things safe then out of nowhere deciding to sacrifice herself in a last-ditch effort to save all of reality.

How dare she!?

But, most of all, Glimmer was mad at herself. For constantly defying her mother. Going behind the older woman’s back. Flat out ignoring her direct orders. For making her mad and straining their relationship. So much time spent being mad at each other. So much time wasted. Now she was gone. That was time they would never get back.

Most of all, that was what filled Glimmer with rage.

Standing on the balcony, looking over the landscape, she thought about her mother. Were these feelings –this anger and resentment- something that she ever felt? After Glimmer’s father died, maybe? Did Angella ever feel this way? Would she understand how Glimmer felt? Could this be something they might have bonded over?

Staring out over the water, Glimmer realized she didn’t know.

She watched the light of the moons play across the water. Even the darn water seemed to be celebrating. Rippling under the moonlight. The surface moving against the wind. The-

The surface moving against the wind!

That didn’t happen.

Glimmer lifted her head, eyes narrowing as she squinted across the water. The ripples weren’t from a natural current. They were surface disturbances from something else. Something moving across the water.

It was dim outside, and she was looking directly into one of the moons. It was the night time equivalent of staring into the sun.

But from the horizon line she could just barely make out the outlines of several skiffs. Several Horde skiffs!

Apparently, the Horde was not quite as defeated and gone as they thought.

With a bit of an alarmed gasp, adrenaline pumping, Glimmer teleported directly back into the great hall.

“The Horde’s coming!” She shouted for the crowed room to hear.

“Uh, what?” Mermista crossed her arms over her chest, skepticism dripping from every word. “The Horde’s gone. We defeated them yesterday. I’m pretty sure you were there.”

“That’s right!” Perfuma clapped her hands together cheerfully. “We saved She-Ra and defeated Hordak! It was a wonderful example of harmony and team work!”

“I kicked butt.” Frosta recalled fondly.

Bow came up and took his friend by the hand. Expression gentle and sympathetic. “Glimmer, I get that you’re upset right now. You’re mad and maybe you feel like you need to hit something. But you don’t have to invent enemies to fight. We can-“

Whatever the end of that sentence was going to be, Bow didn’t get to say it. The building was suddenly rocked by a powerful explosion. The concussion of something hitting it –hard- and bursting on impact.

Something like a Horde tank shell.

Glimmer just frowned at Bow. As if to say, ‘do you believe me now?’

“I’ll get my sword.” Adora informed them. She dashed from the hall, running to her room where she left the sword of She-Ra. She didn’t think she would need it at a party celebrating all their enemies being defeated. She thought all their enemies were defeated.

Everyone else waited. Staring at Glimmer.

“Why’re you all looking at me?” She demanded. The palace was under attack! Shouldn’t people be doing something? Adora was doing something. She was getting the thing that made her their savior. She was acting. Why was no one else acting?

One of the Bright Moon guards cleared her throat. “We- ahm –we await your command.”

For half a moment Glimmer looked confused.

“Glimmer,” Bow began gently, as if reminding her of uncomfortable facts she should already be aware of. “You’re the Queen of Bright Moon.”

Realization dawned on her. The Bright Moon guards took orders from the Bright Moon Queen. Glimmer had always been on the ground when the fighting came to Bright Moon. In the thick of the battle. The Princess Alliance equivalent of a ‘Force Captain’. But the Queen stayed in the palace or with the Runestone. The Queen oversaw the battle. Maintained the defenses. Commanded the palace guard.

With Angella gone, Glimmer was the Queen now. There hadn’t yet been time for a formal coronation. But for all practical intents and purposes, that was her new role.

“To the defenses, then!” She shouted for the whole room to hear. “Guards to the walls! Bow, I want you and your trick arrows in a high place! Perfuma, on the ground. That’s where She-Ra will be when she gets her sword, she might need back-up. Netossa and Spinnerella should go with you too. Mermista, in the water. You and Sea Hawk try and stop or slow down as many of their skiffs as possible! Frosta, stick close to Bow and clobber any Horde soldiers that get close to him. Shadow Weaver-“ here she hesitated for only half a moment “-to the Runestone with me.”

“You have the command and bearing of a true Queen already.” Everyone could hear the amused smirk in the old sorceress’ voice as she glided over to stand next to Glimmer.

Another shell rocked the building just as Glimmer teleported with Shadow Weaver.

The Runestone overlooked the whole bay. From its vantage point, Glimmer could see that the attacking Horde force was not actually as terrifying as she originally thought.

It was comprised primarily of skiffs carrying infantry –and not even very much infantry at that. They had two ground tanks, but the treads on them were warped or even broken, and so the tank canons had instead been mounted on the skiffs. It took two of the hover-boats to support one tank. The tanks themselves were heavy and unbalanced the skiffs. The pilots were hard pressed to keep their vessels vertical, never mind move in sync with the other partner pilots sharing to carry the tanks.

This didn’t seem like an evil onslaught attacking them at a time when their guard was down, at a party celebrating a seeming victory. This was a mad rabble of disorganized and near feral zealots bent of revenge but lacking anything actually resembling a strategy –or even much of a plan, really.

Looking down at the bay, Glimmer didn’t know why she felt the need to bring Shadow Weaver with her. She didn’t even need to do anything, never mind borrow power or skill from someone else.

The moment Adora appeared outside the palace, she held her sword high and shouted the words that incanted her transformation from simple Horde-defector, into the Princess of Power.

Spinnerella threw the skiffs off course. Causing the ones weighted down with the tanks to topple over and capsize. Perfuma tangled the infantry that made it to the bank in vines. Any canon blasts they managed to get off before the tanks sank into the bay were shot down by Bow’s trick arrows.

It wasn’t a battle.

It was a rout.

The Horde soldiers retreating almost as quickly as they had come.

She-Ra managed to capture their leader before she could escape with the rest of her forces.

Force once, it was not Catra.

Maybe Adora was a little surprised by that –or maybe she was downright shocked. It was hard to tell when she was eight feet tall, glowing, and you had to peer up and squint to see her expression.

The big question was, what to do with Octavia now that they had her? The space room they repurposed as a ‘prison cell’ was currently in use by Shadow Weaver –as an actual room now that Glimmer had deemed her an ally. Bright Moon didn’t have any dungeons.

Not really knowing what else to do, She-Ra carried her inside. To the great hall the party had just vacated. For what would be a rather public interrogation.

“I’m not saying anything!” Octavia announced after She-Ra threw her down on the –perfectly polished and sparking- marble floor.

“T’ch, you just said something, dummy.” Frosta pointed out, unimpressed by this Horde leader.

She-Ra reverted back to Adora. “Frosta, don’t be mean! Octavia might be a Dumb Face, but that’s no reason to call her a dummy.”

The Force Captain only growled wordlessly at that.

“Where’s Catra!?” Adora demanded, taking charge of the… interview. She refused to call this an ‘interrogation’. This was not how she was taught to interrogate prisoners in the Horde. But the Princess Alliance always did do things shockingly different.

“I donno. Dead, probably.” Answered Octavia, in complete contradiction of her earlier statement that she was ‘not saying anything’.

“She’s not dead!” Adora insisted. “I saw her! She escaped with Hordak!”

Octavia blinked at that, truly surprised. She didn’t think Hordak had survived either. “Well, then she’s with Hordak. Obviously. Who’s the Dumb Face now?”

“Wait…” Glimmer pursed her lips in thought. Something not making sense. “If you thought both Catra and Hordak were dead, then they didn’t order this attack.”

Finally, Octavia caught on that she should stay true to her word and ‘not say anything’. She clamped her mouth shut.

“The Horde’s without leadership!” Bow drew the correct conclusion anyway. She didn’t even have to say anything.

Mermista gave a snort of humorless amusement. “They’ll tear each other apart!” She announced. “We don’t even have to lift a finger. With Hordak gone, they’ll all be at each other’s throats to try and get his job. They’ll defeat themselves for us!”

This prophesy was met with several relieved smiles. This little blip of an attack not withstanding, they truly had won. The Horde truly was defeated. Now it was time to usher in a new age of peace and renewal.

Glimmer pursed her lips, not quite as optimistic as her fellow Princesses –she was feeling the burdens and misgivings of a Queen now.

“You guys…” She began softly, almost as if she were afraid to ask. “If Hordak’s not leading the Horde anymore… where is he?”

[greekmythstoldbyanasshole]

Odysseus

So first off, we’re going to talk about Odysseus. Odysseus was like that smart, but weasely guy you know. The kind of guy who is great to have around if you need to find a way to sneak out of a bad blind date, but also the kind of guy who cheats on his wife while she’s sitting at home literally turning away handsome and rich guys left and right. 

But I digress. 

So, Odysseus was on his way back from the Trojan War on his way home to Ithaca. The place, not the college. At this point, his ego must have been huge, since he created the entire field of hacking when he designed the original Trojan Horse. 

After leaving Troy, Odysseus and his buddies were looking for a place to stop and chill out for a bit. I mean, I probably would have just grabbed a couple of Red Bulls and tried to power through until I got home, but that’s just me. They eventually found an island and thought, “This island probably isn’t full of monsters, so that’s cool.”

Island was totally full of monsters. It held the terrible Cyclopes, known for horrendous things like living in caves, eschewing government (and law) and grouwing crops from rain personally sprinkled by Zeus. Seriously? This is the description that these guys get? They’re horrible because they are special farmers who live in caves and fuck with the government? They’re only a few steps away from being a US Senator. 

Odysseus, feeling like Jesus, took 12 of his guys with him to do some ‘splorin’. He told everyone else to stay on board and remain at the ready at their oars, to which I’m sure the not-cool-enough-to-be-a-part-of-the-landing-party guys gave a very convincing nod and said, “Ya, we’re totally going to do that.”

O-dawg and crew then saw a cyclops and decided that the best course of action would be to follow the fucker while holding a wineskin full of specifically unmixed wine. None of that “Barefoot Red Blend” bullshit. 

Ok, so at the beginning of the story, I know I said that Odysseus was super smart, but the following tidbit makes him seem like a bit of a moron. He took one look at the big, ugly, Fox News Conspiracy touting Cyclopes and was like, “It’s customary for all Greeks to be, like, super inviting hosts, who give out sweet gifts to their guests. I’m sure these guys will be like that and not murder us in their caves or anything.”

Then, like a normal Air BnB guest, Odysseus waited in the bushes until the cylops started tending to his sheep, and then snuck into his house. 

When they got into the cave, everyone started bitching about how musty and cluttered it was, as if they hadn’t just broken in hoping for free shit. There were baskets full of cheese and animal pens full of lambs and little baby goats, who were hopefully weraing those little pajamas like you always see on Facebook. The cyclops had made a bed out of willow branches because Ikea hadn’t been invented yet. 

After a while, Odysseus’s homeboys started getting nervous about the whole, “breaking and entering” thing, so they suggested some light robbery. 

“Why don’t we just take some cheese and leave?” They asked, like dicks, “We can always come back later for some lambs.”

Odysseus decided to take the moral high ground. He packed up their things, left a nice tip and a detailed review, got back on his ship and sailed home. 

Just kidding. He acted like a baby. 

“They’re supposed to give us a gift because we’re their guests,” he pouted, knowing full well the difference between an intruder and a guest. He also had a name! How great. His name was Polyphemus, which definitely doesn’t sound like a sexuality. 

So Polyphemus came back to his house and had his sheep with him (like a normal person), rolled his rock-door into place and then milked his sheep. When he was done, he realized that there were 13 strange men in his cave. Not one to judge, but what kind of life does Polyphemus lead that he doesn’t notice 13 random guys in his house? Just how into milking his sheep does he get? Also, what were Odysseus and his crew doing while they were waiting? Politely coughing to let him know that people were watching? There are so many questions. 

When Polyphemus finally got around to talkking to them, he said, “Who the hell are you guys? Like, pirates? Or what?”

Odysseus, super pumped to get his weird guest-gift, said, “We’re Achaen soldiers. We were just fighting in Troy, but we got blown off course, so now we’re here by Fate. We’re in your cave because Zeus says that hosts should give their guests gifts...so...you know...”

“Dumbass,” Polyphemus retorted, “We’re Cyclopes, bruh. We don’t care about Zeus’s laws. We helped him defeat the Titans, so now he waters our plants. He’s essentially our sprinkler system. But,” he continued, “I do care about something. Where did you land your ship?”

As soon as Polyphemus said this, all of Odysseus’s men were probably like, “Fuck. We’re probably not getting that god-damned gift basket.”

Odysseus, though, being the king of thinky-thinky said, “We don’t have a ship. Poseidon decided to smash it against some rocks. We are the only survivors.”

Suddenly, Polyphemus remembered that he hated the number 13, so he grabbed the 2 nearest guys to him, smashed their heads against the wall, and then fucking helped himself to a nice meal. 

Cyclops Cave Air Bnb:

           We got some free cheese and the goat yoga was fantastic, but the host fucking ate my cousin. 2/5 stars

After that, the cyclops laid down on his sad excuse for a bed and went to sleep. 

After apparently just hanging out while his buddies got devoured, Odysseus pulled his sword out of his ass and charged headlong at Polyphemus. However, he paused halfway down the cave as soon as he remembered that there was a big-ass rock blocking the doorway. Remembering that he was better at verbal jousting than physical activity, Odysseus put down his sword to think up a plan. 

After waking up, the giant strolled over to his kitchen, cracked 2 eggs and made himself an omelette. Only, instead of eggs, it was men. Because this guy is just terrible. 

After this, Polyphemus led his sheep out to pasture, and rolled the stone back into place, because everyone in this story is a dick. 

At this point, Odysseus’s men start to cry, which is the first reasonable reaction anyone has had up until this point. Meanwhile, Odysseus decided to try something useful for a change. Among his weird collection of things, Polyphemus had a “hug olive wood log” which was “definitely not a dildo.” Odysseus told his men to sharpen the log and then harden it in the fire. 

When Polyphemus got back, he milked his sheep and then ate some Panda Express while watching Ellen. Nah, he ate more guys. 

After the cyclops was done eating, Odysseus gave him some of that crazy, unmixed wine. Which was apparently a big deal because, apparently back then, everyone would lose a drinking competition to a college girl named Amanda who passes out after 1 1/2 Bacardi Breezers. Anyways, Polyphemus downed it. 

“You know,” the cyclops slurred, “If you tell me your name, I’ll give you a gift.”

At this, Odysseus got a guest-gift hard-on. It didn’t matter that literally half of his men died, he was going to get some decorative bath soap. Odysseus just smiled like a sleazeball while pouring more wine. Not yet having gotten the spins, Polyphemus continued drinking. This whole cycle repeated itself again, and not until the cyclops was good and wasted did Odysseus say,

“You want to know my name? My name is Nobody. That’s definitely what everyone calls me. Nobody. I would tell you to ask my buddy over there to vouch for me, but you fucking ate him.”

Accepting this to be as normal of a name as Polyphemus, Polyphemus said, “Well, Nobody, here’s your gift: I’ll eat you last!”

At this, the cyclops laughed so hard that he threw up the wine and human bits, and then passed out in all of that. 

Gross. 

Without a moment to lose, Odysseus and his men pulled the log “out of hiding,” whatever that means, and stuck it in the fire until it was as red-hot as early 2000′s Ricky Martin. The men took the flaming rod and jammed it into the cyclops’ eye hole. Since he had killed all their buddies, they made sure to wiggle it all around and keep it there until his blood boiled out of the socket. 

Gross.

Meanwhile, Polyphemus was understandably freaking the fuck out. He was causing such a hubbub that all of the nearby cyclopes came over to see what all the yelling was about.

“Dammit, Polyphemus, what is wrong? Surely nobody is killing you by force or treachery?” they asked, apparently unaware of all the strapping young men in the cave.

Polyphemus screamed, “Yes! Nobody is killing me by force and treachery!” 

Apparently fed up with his sarcastic-ass answers, the other cyclopes said, “Ok, man. Whatever. If you are alone and screaming like that, you must be crazy. Try praying to Poseidon to cure your womanly hysteria.” And, without opening the door like decent friends, you know, to see if he was actually ok, the cyclopes just left. “Eh, he’ll be fine.”

Hearing all of his definitely-not-getting-Christmas-presents-this-year friends leave, Polyphemus screamed. He shoved the boulder out of the way and stood in the opening, ready to catch any shithead who tried to escape. However, Odysseus weren’t no bitch. 

Later that night, after the cyclops had put in his earplugs or something, Odysseus stole some branches from the branchopedic bed and used the branches to tie groups of 3 sheep together. He did this just enough times so that each of his buddies would have a 3 sheep luxury package, but not enough for him, because he was an arrogant motherfucker. 

After tying the three sheep together, he told his crew to each grab on to the belly of a sheep, which, I guess, were huge? Odysseus took the biggest ram for himself (phrasing) and held on. 

Instead of waiting until, like, 5 o’clock in the morning to grab some sheep, the poor suckers spent the whole night hanging upside down. When the sun finally rose, Polyphemus let his sheepies out to play. As the sheep went by their blind master, he tapped each one on the back to make sure no one was escaping. The following is how I picture that scene to have played out:

*pat pat*

“Hmm, this is weird. 3 of my sheep must have gotten tangled in my bed and got stuck together. I’ll deal with that later. Next!”

*pat pat*

“God, my sheep are dumb today. 3 more sheep are stuck together. Good thing I’m patting these sheep down for escaping prisoners, or I might think someone was up to something.”

*pat pat*

Odysseus and his big ram *wink wink* were the last to leave. As it came near the cave’s entrance, Polyphemus put on his Border Patrol cap and stopped the ram.

“My old buddy,” Polyphemus said to the ram, probably while looking in the wrong direction, “why are you in the back today? You usually lead the group. Maybe you feel bad that daddykins got blinded by that big, mean bully, Nobody? And he got me drunk! Rude. I’m sure if you could talk, you would tell me where he is hiding.”

But he couldn’t talk, because he was a ram, and that would not be logical. Like the rest of the story. 

Odysseus had a mild panic attack when Polyphemus *pat pat*ed his ram down, before it waddled over to its friends in the pasture. 

When all the sheep had gone far enough away from the cave, Odysseus and his men released themselves from the sheep. Can you imagine how badly their arms must have hurt at that point? I mean, I sometimes need to take a break when I’m straightening my hair, and that takes, like, 8 minutes. Tops.

After getting off the sheep with jello-for-arms, they grabbed a bunch of lambs (with their mouths?) and hauled ass down the mountain. When he finally reached his ship, Odysseus, being an arrogant moron, turned around and yelled, “You! The guy who was a dick and ate your guests, the ones who totally didn’t sneak into your shitty cave, I hope you enjoy the punishment Zeus has in store for you!”

Polyphemus, the guy who didn’t just hear the whole sheep plan, nor the sheep yoking, nor the lamb stealing, heard this taunt from forever away on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Pissed, he grabbed a piece of the mountain and threw it at the ship. It’s a whole new level of angry to rip off, and then throw, a piece of mountain. The piece of mountain grazed the ship, which resulted in a mini tsunami. This pushed Odysseus back into the shore. His crew frantically pushed the boat back out, where they doubled the distance they had before. Odysseus was about to call out to the cyclops again, but his crew told him to shut the hell up and be glad that they had escaped. However, Odysseus was mad and arrogant, and Twitter didn’t have the balls to block his account, even with all the racism and threats of nuclear war, so he yelled again. 

“Cyclops! If anyone asks you who blinded you, you can tell them it was Odysseus of Ithaca!”

Hearing this, Polyphemus remembered a prophesy he’d heard about the Boy Who Lived. No, not that one. About Odysseus. He prayed to Poseidon in the style of Veruca Salt, if Veruca Salt had become a dictator. 

“Don’t let Odysseus make it home! Actually, no. Let him go home, but all his friends die! And...it takes forever! And when he gets there, there’s a whole bunch of shit going on! And make his lawyer get arrested for paying off a prostitute! And kill his hamster!”

After praying/bitching, Polyphemus threw another mountain chunk at Odysseus. This throw also resulted in a mini tsunami that pushed his boat to shore. This time, however, it pushed the boat towards the rest of Odysseus’s fleet, which apparently existed. Instead of booking it, the men decided that right then was the best time for a gyro, so they ate a feast of the lambs they had stolen and drank DILUTED wine. When the sun rose the next morning, they took sail. They were happy to be alive, but also really sad about the guys who had been turned into BK’s Chicken Fries. 

But, the fun was just beginning because Poseidon was pissed. 

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Soulless Riffing: Brainless Ch.10 + 11.

I got a supernatural action/romance book series as a gift that’s just riddled with stuff that I hate….and as a steampunk Victorian London action romance story filled with werewolves and vampires…it’s yeah gonna be easy to poke fun at.

I just want to say, it’s totally cool if you like this story or ones like it!  It’s certainly a better caliber than a lot of what I make fun of…however…I can’t help but want to make fun of it.

Over here for the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7+8th, and 9th.

Chapter 10 is short so I threw in 11 too! SO FUCK IT HERE GOES!

Chapter 10

So this zombie bursts in to attack Alexia and Lord Akeldama.  The zombie’s clever plan is to just start…pouring chloroform on the floor. I don’t think that’s how that works but lol ok whatever. Immediately the super powerful vampire is out cold.  They talk about how gaudy and huge Lord Akeldama’s house is, so I totally pictured the zombie kicking the door open, pouring it, and even though he’s still like 50 feet away he’s out like a light.

So my head canon for this is the zombie is like, “Well they’re obviously going to get away! Why bother!?” So he just pours out a medicine bottle’s worth of chloroform out of annoyed futility. Lord Akeldama since he’s such a DANDY thinks the zombie poured some kind of staining liquid like wine all over his centuries old, priceless Turkish rug.  He’s so mortified that his favorite rug is ruined and feints on the spot.

Now this scenario makes sense, YOU’RE WELCOME!

Alexia is able to hit the zombie in the head 3 times before she realizes that’s not working and the fumes OVERCOME HER! YES SHE LITERALLY GETS THE VAPORS!

THANK FUCK! FOR ACTUAL DRAMA!

When she wakes up she’s being dragged bound and gagged into the Hypocras Club for scientists.  She overhears some shady biz about how they want to experiment on Lord Akledama.  She also notices an obnoxiously prominent octopus motif in the place.  It might as well read,

“Alexia turned the octopus-shaped knob, of the octopus-shaped door, to reveal an octopus-shaped hallway, with live octopuses hanging from the wall all wondering where they got such a bad rep from.”

The two of them get thrown in a cell and are able to undo their gags.  The less cool version of Blackadder’s Prince George (Lord Akeldama) explains that the zombie-thing is an automaton or basically a fleshy robot/golem.  He also explains that the robot can only be undone if you speak the magic word. Looks as if safe words work much better in this universe than they ever did in 50 shades!

 ALSO JUST KIDDING CAUSE THERE’S ANOTHER WAY TO STOP IT BUT WON’T BE REVEALED UNTIL IT’S A SUPER TENSE MOMENT! HARDY HAR HAR!

But we actually get a genuinely good scene after this where Lord Akledama talks about the fact they both may die.  He says that, if it’s possible, he wants Alexia to hold his hand so he can see the sun one last time.  It’s cheesy, and probably not going to be applicable in the situation they’re in, but it’s really sweet and sad and I like it.  The baddies then come back to drag Akledama out of the cell, presumably to be tortured to death.

NO! I WAS JUST STARTING TO ACTUALLY LIKE HIM!

Say something Nice Faps:

Actual plot

No or little mention of the dumbass ship

Akledama wanting to see the sun.

Chapter 11

So Alexia is not having the best time in the cell by herself but eventually she hears voices. We have super unsubtle exposition that boils down to.

“So yeah we’re torturing werewolves and vampires, so we can figure out how to genocide them REAL GOOD!”

Hoo boy listen. The only other racist thing against vampires/werewolves we have seen in action is a woman talk briefly about how untoward it is that a business is catering to THOSE kinds of people. I will not count all the vague times Alexia alludes to them being oppressed with no concrete examples.

Going from, Bad person is annoyed they may have to glance at a vampire while at a cafe, to inhuman experiments meant to further genocide is AT BEST a huge jump and at worse flat out feels entirely separate from the setting created.

Fun Fact: Racism isn’t a child predator who hides in the shadows and pops out when you need a scapegoat.  Racism is fucking everywhere effecting everything.

Don’t try to add racism allusions in your story if you can’t grasp that fundamental concept.

Faps, nobody picked up steampunk werewolf fucker for commentary on race. And besides the inability to grasp the complexity of racism is going to seem quaint next to some of the dumb writing bullshit coming up next.

So during this conversation this mysterious bad man also states, “We have a random human in this cell, cause she was there lol.”

“Can I see her?”

“Lol why not!?”

So we open up the cell to meet the big baddie Siemons, whom, I’m probably just going to refer to as childish evilguy nicknames for awhile cause his characterization is as on the nose as you can get.  Like no joke, whenever they mention him smiling it’s, “He smiles psychotically.” 

The guy, Mr. bigbad was talking to turns out to be #1 Stud MacDougall!

GASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSP

Actually I totally called this cause she mentions 3 times during their short conversation that she recognizes the 2nd voice, it would be most DRAMATIC, and cause I have money down that he’s secretly a bad, bad man so Alexia doesn’t feel bad about not fucking a fatty. She’s not shallow; he’s just a bad person you see.

BUT, to this story’s credit MacDougall is AGHAST to find Alexia in there, goes to her side, and demands she be set free at once.

Evilbaddy Von Octo-dump is like, “Oh! She’s Alexia the Soulless who can stop supernatural powers! We inexplicably did not put 2 and 2 together despite being super smart Nazi-scientists.  I mean we very obviously tried to kidnap her 3 separate times, and stole her records for more info. But we weren’t actually interested in kidnapping her. We just tried to get a vampire and took her along for the lulz!”  Why even put in the effort to say they weren’t after her? This is stupid!

MacDougall, despite studying the supernatural FOR A LIVING, has never heard of the Soulless phenomenon and like…

FUCK HOW AND WHY AND ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

The author states explicitly that all the supernaturals in England not only are aware of the Soulless but are informed of the identity of every single Soulless.  How would normies NOT know? Vampires and werewolves hang with humans all the time, and it makes no sense why the Soulless would be hidden information from the general public.  Soulless can pose a threat to the supernatural not regular boring humans, there’s no reason to believe that the average citizen is going to be upset at this knowledge at all.

This wouldn’t even, so far, cause any plot inconsistencies if everybody knew.  I think the rub here is that we have to justify her family not knowing so the reveal would make them upset, but we’ll see how important that plot point actually is.  Honestly, I fear the author is just so used to supernatural media where SOMETHING is hidden from the general population she felt compelled to do the same.

MacDougall convinces Meaniemollusk NaziStink to take off her restraints and try to get her on their side. They allow her to clean up and change. Alexia takes advantage of this to go to the Octopus shaped mirror, break off an octopus-shaped shard, cover it in octo-cloth, and hide it in her octo-bosum.

Alexia tries to play dumb and meek in order to appease Squidlly MurderMan.  He tells her he plans to kill all Vampires and Werewolves.  She points out that they’re scientists with a political agenda and apparently that’s her breaking her bimbo character and the gig is up.

OKAY?????????????????

They then take her to another cell.  On the way there she hears Lord Akeldama’s blood-curling torture screams, but she doesn’t seem all that upset.  I mean she probably doesn’t want to appear outwardly upset to blow the gig even more, but we don’t really have much internal monologue about how worried she is.

So that’s cool.

They want to test her soulsucking ability and she lies saying it takes an hour. (Which is hard to believe, isn’t soulless supposed to be common knowledge in England, and also they stole all the notes anyway they probably know.)  They also OUTRIGHT SAY they’re planning on killing her anyway but it would be rad if she was cool about it. They say they’re going to murder/test it by putting her in a cell with a rabid werewolf to SEE WHAT HAPPENS!? (She’d probably die but lol turns out it’s Lord Maccon aren’t we all shocked.) But like let’s break this whole mess down.

1.)    You uhhh consider LYING that you won’t kill her if she cooperates. That tends to encourage people to cooperate. YOU ARE BAD PEOPLE AFTERALL AND BAD PEOPLE LIE!

2.)    HOW FUCKING INCOMPREHENSIBLY DUMB ARE THESE FUCKING SCIENTISTS!?  You UHH MAYBE consider you could learn a fuck-load from experiments where a person can turn off a supernaturals’ ability at will? PERHAPS it’ll be easier to genocide them if they’re not super-fast, super strong, immortal AND can heal real fast????? WHAT COLOSSAL FATHEADS ARE RUNNING THIS JOINT!? AUTHOR? YOU CAN HAVE THEM BE SUPER EVIL AND BAD WITHOUT THEM IMMEDIATELY TRYING TO KILL PROTAG? YANNO?

Also throwing her in a locked room with a PEAK werewolf, even if they never believed it took that long, is basically instant-death for her.  She’s kinda arrogant when it comes to self-defense but even she’s like, “I’d be super lucky if I even reach the point of having the shit kicked out of me before I can turn him completely enough for them to not be a threat.”

So they take the antidote to the supposed poison they want to snuff out and just dump it down the drain.

BUT GOLLY I’M SURE LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE OVERGROWN CHILDREN ALMOST FUCKING IN THAT CELL! THAT’S GONNA BE SWELL!

Say something Nice Faps:

No shitty Maccon/Alexia verbal sparring

MacDougall does try to not get her killed. I mean he just shouts dramatically.  Not that I’m asking him to fall right on a sword but it does seem a bit tepid. But like for a woman who gleefully and regularly puts herself in danger? Maybe that’s the response that’s appropriate.

Also the author never really says MacDougall is down to clown with Murder Bigots.  So I guess what I’m trying to say is I’d still fuck MacDougall apart.

[justadadonthenet]

Loser’s Club as camp half blood kids hc

(These are terribly organized I’m so sorry, all under the cut)

Stan: deffo an Athena kid, look at that little logic man and tell me he’s not Athena. He would be extremely talented on the battle field but would rarely want to fight (besides, why do that when he could command his battalion in capture the flag) and he somehow befriended an owl in his third year at camp and it’ll do whatever he wants (including keeping richie in check)

Ben: also in the Athena cabin, but one of the softer of them. Always wins when they’re tasked with a building competition cause he actually reads up on what types of structures work best,,he would develop and design all of the Athena cabin weaponry and would specially design stuff for stanley. Their cabin is the coolest one because Ben is always reconstructing as needed, and it’s never too full because he has somehow developed a building that expands as needed, but only on the inside. This kid is fucking gifted.

Mike: Jesus imagine my boy mike as a Persephone kid that’s the cutest shit I’ve ever seen,,,persephone kids are almost as rare (if not more) than big three kids, so he lives in the Demeter cabin. the whole camp would adore him and the wood nymphs would love talking to this ~one~ boy because he has major respect for all parts of nature,, he would grow lil flowers to give to everyone and would make flower crowns for bev,,and although he is a little flower child he takes capture the flag VERY seriously if he’s up against his Losers. (The wood nymphs love doing favors for him such as tripping richie and taking bev’s sword right out of her hand)

Richie: holy fuck he would definitely end up head of the Hermes cabin (somehow) and he would be worse than the Stoll brothers combined,,,don’t ask how he managed to acquire a dildo tree or get a Trojan horse to camp without anyone noticing, he’s also ~conveniently~ part messenger god, which makes sending pranks to people even easier (also imagine the first time he tries to use the winged converse y i k e s there was definitely a face plant in there)

Bill: listen,,,,he would definitely be a Zeus kid if he wasn’t such an angery piece of shit,,, so you better believe he is one of the softest Hades kids to ever enter that camp,,,when he got bored he’d summon cool rocks and shit. As soon as he hears of Nico being able to summon the dead he pesters him into teaching him, learning extremely quickly how to summon spirits. Every once in a while the losers cant find bill, cause he’s sitting in a hidden cave he managed to create, talking to Georgie

Bev: listen my fiery girl would obviously be an Ares kid. She may be the nicest in the cabin, but you’re dead wrong if you think for a second she wouldn’t beat your ass if provoked. Her and Stan definitely have a friendly rivalry in capture the flag (or any battle-related activity, for that matter.) she loves her bf Ben but she can’t help but coaxing the latest Athena cabin weaponry plans out of him. Ben goes to mush as soon as Bev talks to him, and every thought he had of keeping the developments to the cabin goes out the door with one look into those eyes. Coincidentally, next week’s capture the flag battle is between Ares and Athena, and Ben is completely lost as to how the Ares cabin somehow had counter measures for all of their weaponry,, he���d been planning them for months, and had picked through all of the Ares cabin’s tactics previous to this, how did they know? Let’s just say stan was HEATED

Eddie: okay with an idiot of a boyfriend like richie (who constantly forgets where he sets up traps during capture the flag) eddie needs to be able to fix his boy. He may not seem like an Apollo boy other than the fact that he’s wicked good at being camp medic, but he’s getting pretty dialed in on his foresight (even though it only consistently reaches about an hour into the future.) still, this makes fixing up his idiots easier, as he knows exactly what to pack in his magic fanny pack (think Leo’s tool belt) before every capture the flag (even though he no longer needs it, after realizing that it wasn’t his drugs healing him but his own abilities). After LOTS of practice, Eds walks up to richie, touches his forehead, and richie fucking loses his shit because h o l y s h i t why is everything so blurry??? Before taking his glasses off and crying because everything is in focus

Also:

-bill and mike always help in developing the area for the capture the flag games and make sure it’s aesthetically pleasing, interesting, and different from the last time

-SHIT AND MIKE AND THE DEMETER CABIN MAKE CORN MAZE CAPTURE THE FLAG FOR FALL (complete with spooky scares from the grain nymphs)

-most of the hades kids come and go, so billiam is alone a lot in his cabin, making the hades cabin basically the loser’s cabin for sleepovers

-(bill also sleeps in the Athena cabin a lot cause of the immense space and his bf)

-Eds discovers his poetic abilities when sitting with Ben and trying to think of what to say to ask rich out

-Eds definitely also helps richie write songs

-richie is a large lanky boy but somehow kicks ass when they have track events (its one of the only places he doesn’t trip)

-his biggest threat? Billiam, aka lanky boy #2

-“it’s not fair, he can literally influence the track and make my lane turn into sand!” “S-step up your p-prank game, tozier”

-richie replaces bill’s shoes with some winged ones and Jesus Christ he’s never laughed as hard as he did when bill hit the side of the big house as soon as the race started

-eddie never really pursues his artistic abilities but one time rich has a bad night and sends Eds a message to meet him at the hades cabin (bill is with Stan) and he finds richie panicking over a nightmare so he starts singing to richie and holy shit richie was crying but not cause of his nightmare

-mike always brings flowers to the medics tent and brings some of each patients’ favorites to put at their bedside

-mr d cannot stand richies existence sometimes but all of that is forgotten when richie somehow gets him some ancient bottle of wine that d hasn’t seen in millennia

-whenever eddie sees richie’s laugh or smile the camp gets a lil brighter for a second

-sometimes mike goes and sits with bill while he’s talking to Georgie. He helped him with hiding bill’s little spot, can also (to an extent) contact the dead, and bill trusts him immensely. Bill loves the losers but most of the time he just wants to talk to Georgie alone. When he does invite the losers to come talk, they don’t go to bill’s spot

-I can’t help but imagining mike making all of the losers little flower crowns made of assorted flowers and all of them match the person

-richie has so many laurel wreaths from mike due to his immense list of track records

-they think bill was conceived while the gods were battling with their second self, because he was claimed by hades but has the ability to conjure metals and jewels like Pluto (which is super uncommon when you’re Greek)

-(of course he gets his bf’s cabin some of the best metals for weapons)

-richie somehow gets all of the Good Shit from the outside world into the camp. Nintendo switch? Stan buys it off of him the first day rich has it (along with all the Mario games that comes with it.) cigarettes? Him and Bev share those. Books from libraries across the world? Ben is still amazed as to how richie gets a hold of some of the Ancient Greek texts he sells him but he’s not complaining.

-Eds sometimes misses his boyfriends stupid glasses, so richie finds some hipster glasses and wears them sometimes

-sometimes Eds wishes he had better luck with curses bc sometimes his boyfriend needs to shut the fuck up

-richie and Bev live at camp year round, while bill and Ben often return home, eddie has to go home every break (no matter how short), and mike and stan only goes home on the really long ones

-mike also helps Eddie with finding certain medicinal herbs (richie of course finds the medical marijuana eddie is keeping hidden in his fanny pack)

-instead of “your mom” jokes richie now makes jokes relating to Percy (with only the occasional jokes about mrs k) because come on he’s now the camp mom

-“wait eddie this is so gross that we’re dating cause we’re related” “fuck off richie” “gives me more of a reason to date your mom”

-eddie always makes sure Bill gets enough sunlight,,,that kids depressed enough he needs some vitamin d

-Stan’s owl friend always watches the cabins during the night, and when he sees richie setting trip wires and such on the playing ground, alerts stan

-eddie teaches richie guitar, which he picks up on quickly. It’s one of the only things his Hermes dexterity applies to, and his lankiness gives him a little bit of an advantage

-reddie is the musical power couple that everyone loves during campfires, although Eddie objects every time until richie literally pulls him to the middle of the circle with Eddie on one knee and his guitar on the other

-they have WiFi thanks to richie

-richie sets up sensors on all the cabin doors on April first and the first door to be opened (bill’s) sets off speakers in all the cabins, blasting Africa by Toto at full bass and full volume

-let’s just say eddie didn’t talk to him for four days because WHY WOULD TOU DO TJAT RICHARD

-“wait bill can you have blue fire hair like hades in Hercules??” “Richie I s-swear to god”

-eddie purposely makes it sunny all the time cause he loves the way the sun shines in Rich’s hair and gives him lil freckles :,,,,)

-Ben appreciates the sun too because bev’s hair looks like fire and she gets so many freckles

-Percy stays at camp during breaks cause he knows how lonely it can get and it always helps for richie to have one more friend while most of his are gone

-he adopts richie cause he sees a little bit of himself in that little shithead (and he may use him to long-distance pester Jason with letters rigged to spew water at him as soon as he opens the envelope before pulling out a soggy piece of blue paper that says “hope you’re not missing us too much in California”)

-Annabeth ADORES Ben and Stanley, she basically adopts them as her kids cause Ben is an intelligent little softie and stan is equally intelligent (although in battle strategy rather than crafting)

-Ben loves it when annabeth visits cause he has someone to show his architectural plans to and help him revise them

-Ben gets SUPER good at architecture, so good in fact that he’s literally hired at age sixteen to help in construction in Olympus

-Hermes learned from his mistakes of neglecting his kids, and is sure as hell to visit and talk to richie and the others as often as he can, especially Richie because of his family history

-after the Athena cabin’s plan backfire, stan gets richie’s assistance in payback (he gets the Hephaestus cabin to create weapons that look exactly like the Ares cabins’, but turn into a mini metal figurine of richie doing finger guns as soon as the capture the flag buzzers go off)

-Bev has a rage in her eyes that hasn’t been seen since they defeated IT, and sweet sweet Ben has to hold her back and (try) to calm her down until bill can come in and make her pass out

-she wakes up kicking and screaming with her entire cabin giving up at blocking her from the door and parting like the Red Sea as soon as they see a red glow surrounding her

-this is the one time bill allows a third loser into his cave hiding place, as nobody knows where it is (he made richie pass out as well before taking him into the cave to protect him from the Wrath of Beverly)

-Bev finally calms down (eddie may have put that medical marijuana to use in some special tea he’s formulated)

-mike sometimes just goes and sits in the forest if he can’t sleep. He loves how it looks at night, and how many odd creatures are roaming around

-he meets Grover one night, and they instantly become great friends

-Grover figures out that one of the wood nymphs has a crush on mike, and plays match maker

-the losers notice mike going to the forest more frequently, and while walking back into camp, little patches of flowers grow in his footprints

-when they start dating, mike likes to make his girlfriend’s tree bloom, and changes the color and type of flower each time

-they’re adorable and everyone loves them

-he protects her tree with all costs, as its life is tied to hers

-mr d has definitely found richie in his underwear and a camp Jupiter shirt passed out on the steps of the big house at 6 in the morning, with Richie holding a bottle of fireball

-richie was put on pegasus shit duty for a week, and Eddie refused to rid him of his immense hangover

-somehow richie gets a cat into the camp, its the camp pet and rich always brings it into the med tent to cheer up injured and sickly kids

-the cat mainly lives there, but it goes to bill’s cabin a lot for peace and quiet

-listen,,, the cat would totally have some horrible name that richie makes up like mr noodles and mr d would be so confused as to who mr noodles could be

-Ben my sweet boy and Stanley sometimes sit with mike in the forest during the day. Mike and stan watch the birds, and Ben reads more of the books rich has smuggled in

-richie tozier makes it his goal to get as many aphrodite kids after him as possible (eddie acts like he hates it but knows his idiot would never leave him)

-literally half the Aphrodite cabin is in love with him, and the other half isn’t interested in guys

-richie gets mike to give him assortments of flowers, and brings them to Eddie in the medics tent every morning

-it’s basically like an alarm cause every day, without fail, the sun will shine a little too brightly at 8 am

If you took the time to read all this you’re a Saint and I appreciate you